Unsocialized husbands?

[Stayseeliz]

Okay, I know the big "fake debate" with homeschooling is unsocialized kids but that's usually not a problem. This year my kids will do swim team, co-op, American Heritage Girls and field trips, library programs, etc. So the kids and I will be FINE for getting out of the house, talking to others, etc.

 

But I feel bad for DH. We stay so busy that we usually try to use non swim meet weekends for down time. We go to a church that's 30 minutes away so getting to know others is hard. We were in a small group on a weeknight for awhile but they moved and it's almost 40 minutes away now on a Wednesday night. That's a bit rough. We do have friends but everyone is just so busy that it's hard to get together. DH doesn't complain about not hanging out with other guys but I know he misses it. He works and comes home. I feel bad. :( Does anyone else experience this?

[Trish]

Also, aren't there people where he works?

[Stayseeliz]

Well, of course I know that I don't have to set up play dates for him. I know he's a big boy. I just feel kind of bad that our life right now doesn't lend itself to more social time. We tried getting together with other families sometimes but having a toddler doesn't lend itself to being able to to play cards, etc with other families since I have to keep an eye on the toddler at all times.

[Stayseeliz]

He works in a very small office with just a few other people. Yes, he does get a bit of social interaction there but not much.

[Desert Strawberry]

This is the season to be in the home. When the kids are grown and gone, you will have more social time than you might like.

Encourage him to spend time doing things he enjoys, but don't fret over it.

[marbel]

Yeah, I know what you mean.  There have been times when my husband was pretty much a work-and-come-home guy. 

 

Is there any way of finding a church closer to home?  I know that is a tough call and if you are happy with your church  you shouldn't change for convenience.  Church and work are my husband's most common ways of socializing.

 

Could you host a church get-together at your house sometime?  Maybe there are other people who live close to you and would also welcome some social opportunities?  I know that's hard too, if you haven't been able to get to know people.

 

But, if he is not complaining, maybe it's not a concern to him?  Maybe it's more of a concern to you?  How do you know he misses it?  That sounds more challenging than I mean it; of course he is your husband and you know him.  Still... 

[Catwoman]

It doesn't sound like you're exactly swamped with fun, social activities with your own friends, so I wouldn't worry too much about your dh's social opportunities, either. Talking with other moms at your kids' activities is not the same thing as actually going to lunch with a friend, and would probably equate to your dh's conversations with his co-workers.

 

Perhaps you could try to spend a bit more time alone with your dh (even if it's something as simple as hanging out together after the kids go to bed,) and that would provide both of you with some daily adult interaction.

 

I really don't think this is anything to worry about. If anything, I would look closely at your entire family's schedule, to be sure you're not over-scheduled.

[Parrothead]

So, are you home with him in the evenings or is he on his own while you and the kids are doing your things? Has he complained about going to work and coming home? Are there men's organizations, such as Elk's club, that he can participate it?

[regentrude]

You write he works and comes home. I assume that if he wanted to do something, you would not chain him to the house? He would be free to choose some pursuit outside of work and be gone one or two evenings a week?

If he does not, he must be content.

My DH works and comes home and has never expressed the need to "socialize" more. We sometimes have company, and we spend time together as a family on weekends. If he wanted to do something with other people, he simply would.

 

ETA: One can socialize with other people even while having a toddler. Maybe getting together to play cards is not the best activity. When our kids were little, we would go rock climbing and hiking with friends on weekends. I often had company for a late dinner or party at our house, after the little ones were in bed (in fact, I preferred to entertain in our home because that would mean I did not have to get a sitter). My DH usually is not the one to take initiative to invite people, but he is happy when I do.

[NicAnn]

I get it. We really like games- Munchkin, Cards against humanity, Magic, etc. These are very difficult to do with our 1 year old non sleeping baby around. So right now our social activities aren't with others as much. I figure in a year or so we can get back into it.

 

Meetup is a good place to meet people of any background. There is a group for everyone. Freethinking Vegan Gunsmiths? Sure why not.

[Tita Gidge]

Stacey, I think I see where you're coming from.

 

He's not complaining about it, and probably accepts it as this "season," but you know he misses having some of those non-work, non-family social opportunities.  I don't see you as trying to micro-manage his social life. It reads like you just want to make sure his (social) needs are being met :) you love him, it's natural to want to do so. 

 

My friends have a monthly get-together - it's usually Bunco, but when there aren't enough people it's just cards.  It's the same date most months, and usually at the same person's house, but we're flexible with kids' activities, family visits, cold season, and all that stuff.  We skip holiday months and some months just get called off because the host needs the break ;) all that to say, it's reliable but not a source of high stress - even for the host family.  Maybe you can get your friends together and start something like this - they extend the invite to a few other people, too, and you get a good-sized group gathered. It'll expand your social network, and even when your friends are busy THEIR invited friends may still come, too.  We have 30 people on our email list, and anywhere from 10-20 will come to any given month's gathering. Food is easy, it's bring a dish to share - we have a theme every month (Mexican, Asian, Dessert) and no one expects gourmet (or even home made) LOL.  You could do something similar with your existing friends, or as suggested upthread you might start a Bible study or service project or something with your church community.

 

Or, get together with some of the other swim or AHG families, after events.  I disagree with the poster upthread who said chatting with other sports moms is not like doing lunch with a friend - for me, it's exactly the same and just as good. Even better in that I can get a social fill without the stress of fitting in a date with a friend who is also to the max with her time.  I work outside of the home, too, and my work conversations aren't comparable. Work is work, play is play, and the dynamic behind those relationships is very different.  My brother and I have boys on different teams that practice at the same time and place - we both enjoy the other parents, and when our schedules allow we both show up to practice even though we could carpool. 

 

 

 

 

 

[mom2bee]

What? No at home hobbies like models, painting, woodwork, tinkering etc?

 

Sometimes a good hobby can be even better than the occasional social call with "sort of" friends. Use Craigslist or internet sites to find things that maybe he can do locally. A once or twice a month get together with enthusiast isn't a bad idea.

 

Seems sweet of you to be concerned with your husbands social/emotional needs. :)

[Arcadia]

. DH doesn't complain about not hanging out with other guys but I know he misses it.

How about a potluck gathering/tea party at your home? Very little planning required and just need to supply disposable plates and napkins.

My hubby used to play tennis often with his friends at our condo and apartments courts. He has not played for many years since we move here. My neighborhood park has a tennis meetup but he didn't want to go. He socialize a little at his work and that's it. He prefer to watch people rather than talk to people, just like me. He does talk a lot with close friends. He does not complain but I feel bad he has nothing outside of work.

[texasmama]

This is the season to be in the home. When the kids are grown and gone, you will have more social time than you might like.

Encourage him to spend time doing things he enjoys, but don't fret over it.

I agree.  My dh owns a business which offices at home, but he is mostly happy hanging around with us.  He does have lunch with a friend here and there every few months or text/email with other friends (stuff about sports and such).  He branched out and went to a men's prayer brekkie at our new church recently, which was "getting out there" for him since he is an introvert.  lol  But he is happy.  Does your dh express unhappiness?  If not, he truly may be fine with things as they are.  Surely he could meet up with a friend for lunch during the week or something.  Very occasionally, we have a close couple friend over with their one teen son.  They homeschool and live nearby so we might call and just spontaneously invite them over for a visit.  My dh is truly happiest at home with us, and I think many men (and women) are.  I am more extroverted than he is by a long shot but at this point, I work at an office part-time, talk on the phone with friends, catch the occasional cup of coffee with high school friends, go to co-op and hang with the moms there, and have some online chit chat (like this) which fills my needs.  It is a season, as stated above, and we both seem pretty happy.  We have never been without kids, though (I brought my oldest into our marriage), so we didn't ever have a rockin' social life.  lol

[Stayseeliz]

We met in grad school and had a great group of friends. He is very much a people person but is becoming more introverted as he gets older. I don't think he's unhappy with how things are right now but I know he misses having great guy friends. And like I said, we do have friends but most of their children are older and can go watch a movie, etc while they play cards while our youngest just isn't there yet. We do go to some things but I end up aggravated at having to watch DD2 the whole time. I don't really go out at night or weekends but I'm good with the social interaction I get at swim practice, co-op, etc. I'm usually wiped out by the end of the day and not wanting to get all dressed up to go to Starbucks or something, you know? We're typically home at night so DH isn't left to fend for himself. I guess I am worrying about something that doesn't need to be worried about. DH isn't miserable. I just know he WOULD be happy hanging out with friends more. We've looked for a church closer to home and it always ends badly. We're just too weird for this small little town. lol

[Hikin' Mama]

I think as adults we need to be responsible for getting our own needs met. My husband works and comes home. If he wants to do something else, he needs to do it. I work at home and I have a need to get out of my house and enjoy the outdoors. If I waited for my husband to make it happen, it wouldn't. :) So I go on camp trips with the kids (mostly without husband), I go hiking and kayaking by myself if I can't find a friend to go with me. And because I can't do these things as often as I like, I try to run or walk outside every day. I don't see it as anyone else's responsibility to make these things happen for me.

[Ellie]

Mr. Ellie has never expressed the need to hang out with other guys.  When the dc were home, he was as active with them as possible: assistant director for a small marching band and driving for a band tour, on the board for a Highland dance association, coach for one daughter's soccer team (when he knew nothing about soccer), happily going along with our week-long visit to all 21 California missions, and so on. We have always been active in church (choir, Sunday school, audio-visual tech, etc.); he's a Gideon (one of those guys that puts Bibles in hotel rooms); and together we did Scottish country dance for several years. He's recently become a member of a men's acapella group and is in hog heaven. :001_smile: I don't know how he'd even fit in time to hang out with the guys, lol.

[Erin]

Trap is a social butterfly.  In fact, I'm fairly sure that in the deep recesses of his mind, he's convinced there's something just a little bit wrong me that I'm not.  ;)

 

At the moment, he gets a lot of social time, but it's not very relaxed.  He drives a truck hauling frack sand in the oil field.   So, he meets new people all the time, and has made a number of friends.  But, because of the nature of the job, he has very little down time to just "hang out."

 

 

Even when he's home, though, he's never been the type to go to poker night with the guys or jackpot ropings or something.  He likes to go out and socialize, but he wants me along.

[Melissa in Australia]

Okay, I know the big "fake debate" with homeschooling is unsocialized kids but that's usually not a problem. This year my kids will do swim team, co-op, American Heritage Girls and field trips, library programs, etc. So the kids and I will be FINE for getting out of the house, talking to others, etc.

 

But I feel bad for DH. We stay so busy that we usually try to use non swim meet weekends for down time. We go to a church that's 30 minutes away so getting to know others is hard. We were in a small group on a weeknight for awhile but they moved and it's almost 40 minutes away now on a Wednesday night. That's a bit rough. We do have friends but everyone is just so busy that it's hard to get together. DH doesn't complain about not hanging out with other guys but I know he misses it. He works and comes home. I feel bad. :( Does anyone else experience this?

MY DH was a very social person, very much so. Until he got Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. He is pretty much property bound now, and he really misses having people around to talk to. So it doesn't have anything much to do with homeschooling at all.

[Wheres Toto]

Dh has friends that he gets together with a couple times a year and just talks to them on the phone or computer otherwise.  They all live pretty far away.  Otherwise, he has very little social life these days.  It doesn't seem to bother him at all.  He seems to get his fill with the special occasions and doesn't need daily interaction.  I'm the same way, so that works for me.

 

If he wanted more interaction, he could be better about going to Lodge (he's a Mason), he could spend more time socializing at church.

[fraidycat]

My DH is a work and come home guy, too. He's never expressed interest in anything else. He's an introvert, though, so I used to think he was a little weird. LOL I am so opposite to him - very extroverted. He gets enough "socialization" at work, and is very much ready for his evening/weekend downtime, when I'm chomping at the bit to get out amongst the people because I've been stuck at home all day/week. :)

[DawnM]

The term unsocialized just isn't the right term. Was your DH raised by Gorillas in the jungles of the Congo? If not, I am sure he has the capability to socialize if given the chance.

 

If he wants more social time, I think you should allow him to find time to do that. Some men want/need it, some don't.

 

Ask him.

[Starr]

Does he go to swim meets with you on the weekend?

[HLDoll]

My husband is an extremely introverted homebody. One super-charged extroverted friend from church is always inviting him to Bible studies, men's group outings and the like, and DH just smiles and says, "Sorry, I'm not taking applications for new friends right now." He's pretty content just to see the people he likes at work, Scouts, and church and not leave the house once he's home from work. I assume you're not an impediment since you're expressing concern, and your husband a big boy; he can seek an outlet for meeting his own needs if he really feels his social-scene is lacking.

[kwickimom]

He just needs to find a hobby or something where he will be around other adults. My husband had the same issue. He joined our local sportsman's club. The only other thing you could do is ask around/google some things he might be interested in and also maybe invite some families over where you think he will get along with the husband and maybe some opportunities will pop up.

 

The husbands I know that hang out with just male friends are: fishing, bow shoots, hunting, shooting, sportsman club meetings, playing pool, playing cards, working on cars, four wheeling, on a basketball team....things like that.  Otherwise everyone is hanging out with their families and another family. 

[kwickimom]

He just needs to find a hobby or something where he will be around other adults. My husband had the same issue. He joined our local sportsman's club. The only other thing you could do is ask around/google some things he might be interested in and also maybe invite some families over where you think he will get along with the husband and maybe some opportunities will pop up.

 

The husbands I know that hang out with just male friends are: fishing, bow shoots, hunting, shooting, sportsman club meetings, playing pool, playing cards, working on cars, four wheeling, on a basketball team....things like that.  Otherwise everyone is hanging out with their families and another family. 

[Stayseeliz]

Does he go to swim meets with you on the weekend?

 

Sometimes. During the summer we have meets almost every weekend in June so we don't drag all the kids to all the meets. Swim meets are hard on a two year old. He goes to about half.

 

He's talking to a friend about going to a men's Bible study. I think he'd really enjoy it. I think I just feel bad because I was fine with small group not working out and he was a little more disappointed.