Can you help me say this to myself differently?

[Pamela H in Texas]

I am overwhelmed with distress about Monkey still.  I'm worried to death about her.  I'm missing her like crazy.  I wish the system wouldn't continue to hurt children in the ways I've seen (and particular in the way that Monkey was done).  

 

But the pain is overwhelming as is the fear, anger, bitterness.  The depression is engulfing me.  There are five weeks left that they could decide they made a mistake and give us back our baby.  That isn't going to happen though.  Maybe I held out hope for awhile; but these are people who didn't care what was in her best interest before they ripped her from her family despite knowing the concerns about her.  They certainly wouldn't give her up now.  I do think she is probably doing better now than she was a few months ago.  The last pictures even included personality and smiles unlike the first couple sets of pics.  Though they just shouldn't have hurt her in the first place, I think they will try to do well by her, at least for now.  

 

So now me....If I don't get ahold of myself, I'm just hurting myself, my family, and our life.  Though I'm trying to hold it together and appear that things are going well (and some things are to some degree), I'm really struggling.  We're having all sorts of issues because I can't keep my head above this raging river of depression.  

 

I went back to my psychologist a couple weeks ago.  I missed last week because of being ill.  This week, we talked and talked.  We decided to work on this from a certain direction and in a certain way.  But he was very clear that I can only make progress if I'm okay with choosing to allow this pain to take up less energy and have less of a devastating effect on my life.  He said, it isn't about accepting this injustice and cruelty.  And it isn't about going on without Monkey. 

 

I know I have to do this.  I just can't form it in my mind in a way that doesn't feel like "letting her go."  She is my daughter!  I can't possibly just accept she is gone anymore than any mother who has given birth or adopted could whether they had their child a year or fifteen years.  Seriously, she's my baby.  I'm NOT letting HER go.  HOWEVER, I also know that I cannot survive like this, that I'm drowning, that I can't keep up with life, that I'm terribly upset about what all I'm not handling/doing/seeing/feeling/etc.  And I'm always having one stomach ache and head ache after another.  I'm always on the very edge of crying or screaming.  I often feel like I've been doing one or the other for hours on end.  I am doing so inside!  I'm not HELPING her this way.  And I'm hurting the rest of us.

 

And I feel like such a fraud because people still think I'm doing so well with some things.  I'm not.  It is an act.  And even when I do well right then, I am messing up PLENTY other times, trust me.  And I'm failing to do sooooooo much that I know I need to be doing for myself, my children, my family, etc.  

 

I have to do this.  I have to live THIS life to some better degree than I have been which means I can't be investing all this energy into this pain constantly.

 

And that is the other thing.  I feel like we're losing Monkey to the pain.  The pain, the anger, the injustice, the cruelty, the disgust, etc is so overpowering; and though it is all FOR her, it seems like it overpowers her, that it is hard to keep HER in mind.  How horrible to lose her in that way on top of all this other junk!  

 

So I have to find a way to tell myself that truly feels okay.  Before I drown.  

[PinkTulip]

Pamela, I dont have any words that will make things better, but I am so so so sorry that you are going through this!

[Just Kate]

I don't know what to say...but I can offer to pray for you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: Pamela :grouphug:

[texasmama]

This is a huge grief process which is just beginning. It is not dissimilar to a death. I think you need to give yourself permission to treat it as such. The amount of energy it is taking to hold your feelings at bay may exceed the energy needed to face it head- on.

 

You are in a group with no name and recognition, which adds to the denial of the pain. There are no support groups for this. Take comfort in the fact that grief, while very individual, is widely experienced. Connect with others experiencing grief, even of a different type of loss.

 

Reading your post reminded me of my experience and feelings after my mother died. Grief is extraordinarily disorganizing in every way, emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm glad that you are seeing a psychologist.

 

Many (((hugs))). This is a long process.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Pamela. :(

 

I have been wanting to ask if you'd heard anything about Monkey, because I think of her every time I see one of your posts, but I didn't want to make you feel even worse.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but in all honesty, I don't know how I could ever survive what you have had to go through, so all I can do is pray for peace for you and contentment for Monkey. I'm still praying that you will get her back again some day. :crying:

 

:grouphug:

[trulycrabby]

I am so very sorry.  :grouphug: For now, just try to get through each day. Sometimes that's all that can be done.

[Starr]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Mama love. I'm so sorry. I think you are making a step by keeping up with the psychologist. 

[jhschool]

Hugs and prayers sent your way.

 

 

[NorthwestMom]

(((Pamela)))

[Rosie_0801]

Start a college fund for her.

[Joules]

First, you need to allow yourself to grieve and sometimes that means you are angry, really angry.  It's so personal for everyone that it's hard to know what will make a difference to you.

 

After my baby daughter died, the best thing someone told me: "Yes, it will change you.  It will change every fiber of your being.  Your only choice in the matter is *how* it will change you." The essence being it could devastate and destroy me or I could come out being more compassionate and be there for others.  Several other things helped, but I think maybe the biggest thing was that I was ready to hear them (having gone through part of the grieving process).  Even someone saying the right thing can be quite angering if you aren't at a place to hear it yet.

 

The only thing I can think of to reframe is:  She may need you to be there again someday, maybe far in the future.  When you are ready, you need to put the anger behind you so you can be there (for her and your other children).

[Pamela H in Texas]

I probably wasn't clear (because I feel like a mess and a half...I woke up this morning my face all puffy, my head hurting, my eyes welling up.  I feel like I've been crying non-stop since yesterday morning).  

 

I don't want to just get rid of it.  Honestly, I'm not sure I *want* to get rid of any teeny tiny piece of any part of her, including the pain surrounding her at this time.  At the same time, I'm drowning in it so bad that I can't function, my family is suffering, etc.  I don't want to stuff any of it, deny any of it.  I don't think I could anyway. My doctor and I are looking at actively working with it, lessening the energy within it, dealing with it head-on.  I'm so desperate not to "move on" from Monkey herself (would it *really* hurt to use her NAME at this point?!?!?! though the nickname has special meaning to us, we used it in real life even, I wish I could use her name!). At the same time, this other cr@p is overpowering her and I don't want THAT to happen.

 

If I were at the place I was that the pain was overwhelming but I could stuff it enough to function somewhat, I'd just do that probably, right or wrong.  But I'm WAY off right now.  And the issues because of it are mounting.  And the pain, related and unrelated, is multiplying.  I'm not having normal responses to ANYTHING now. It has become scary, very scary. 

 

I can't explain.  Basically, even if I were just functioning on a lower level, then so be it.  But not only am I not, I'm making a mess of EVERYTHING.  And the pain is engulfing me completely.  There is only so much water someone can tread before they sink anyway.  And then there is that issue of it overpowering Monkey, eating what little of her I have left.  

 

I can't just try to just survive anymore.  And I can't function through it on any level.  I am going to have to deal with it head-on.  But I need the okay to do so.  

 

Joules, I did tell my psychologist yesterday that I do think I need to get myself together for her.  IF she comes home, even if it is 20 years from now, and finds me eaten up with bitterness or dead, how is THAT going to be good?  I tell my children's birthmom to let our children find her healthy and safe.  Well, *I* need to be healthy and able to embrace Monkey when she comes home to us whether she is a confident, happy, young woman or struggling through life (I assume it will be somewhere inbetween as that is where many young people are).  

 

Maybe I stated it best above:  choosing to allow this pain to take up less energy and have less of a devastating effect on my life

 

I watched a Lifetime Movie once.  A woman's child was taken.  She spent the next 12 years ruining her own life while desperately searching for her daughter.  She lost her marriage, her freedom on several occasions, her friends, everything.  I think it is completely unreasonable to have expected she should have moved on and stopped looking for her daughter.  At the same time, she chose to allow the pain to take such energy and to devastate her life.  I have to choose otherwise.  

 

The thing is....had this woman looked for her daughter; but dealt with the pain better...she still had something to DO for those many many years.  I don't!  I know exactly where my daughter is!  I can email the woman who has her. I can send stuff.  I can get pictures.  I could Skype.  (Can you imagine someone settling for emails and even skyping with their child's kidnapper?  Seriously?)  There is nothing to DO in relation to Monkey.  I just have to bide my time until my Monkey comes to look for me.

 

UGh.  

 

My hubby didn't make it to work this morning.  I'm seriously thinking of calling the doctor up and going back today (assuming he still has an afternoon appt available).  I just need a life preserver...or at least a pool noodle!

[Pamela H in Texas]

shouldn't all this writing I'm doing help at least a tiny bit?

[*Lulu*]

I get it, you NEED to do something. While I do not have first hand knowledge of the grief you are currently experiencing, I do understand overwhelming grief and suffering and the desperate need to DO something. Even if just to be able to get out of your own head.

 

Working with a therapist is a huge, positive step. You need to give yourself credit for that.

 

As a matter of fact, you need to quit beating yourself up for all the ways you feel like you've let slip during this time of pain and start focusing on what you are doing "right".

 

I really like Rosie's idea of starting a fund for Monkey. I think it would be good to talk with your therapist about something like that; a way to be actively doing something for her future, an acknowledgment that she is still in your heart.

 

((((Pamela)))) I truly pray you are able to find peace in the midst of your pain.

[texasmama]

I recall that even after some years had passed, it was very difficult for me to let go of the familiar pain surrounding my mom's passing.  It had become my connection to her, a way to honor her and to "keep" her.  Realizing this was a big step.  I recall talking to my therapist about it and purposing in my mind that letting go of pain and keeping the good memories, the love, etc. was the best way to honor her.  It was a long process, though, and one which could not be rushed.

 

Sometimes "uncomplicated bereavement" (psychological diagnosis) can turn into depression.  When that happens, medication can help/is sometimes necessary.  The line can be blurry.  Usually six months is the professional "cut off" after a loss for attempting to determine if someone needs further help in terms of meds or other supports.  It is not that we only get six months to grieve - not at all - but if a person who has experienced a loss mired in depression and not functioning well in their life after this time period, it is time to look into a depressive condition.  (I'm a therapist with a sub-specialty in grief and loss, in the interest of full disclosure.)

 

I believe you are JW, if I recall correctly.  I don't know much about JW, but I like to recommend a short and simple book called Experiencing Grief.  It is very much coming from a Christian perspective, but it is not a denominational one.  It was very helpful to me after my mom passed away.  For a long time, I didn't want to "move on".  I wanted, in fact, to "back up" because the past is where my mom was, not the future.  I got a lot of help and support and, in time, the pain faded and the good memories surfaced.  This is not the same type of loss, but there are similarities in all losses, and I hear some very universal expressions of grief in your words. Guilt is another robber of peace during a grief process so I would encourage you to work actively to tell yourself that you did all your could to love and care for Monkey while she was with you.  You did your best.  You could not have prevented the outcome.  You loved her well while she was yours.

 

Much love and peace to you, mama. 

[fairfarmhand]

The things you have written resonate big time with me. I had a friend who lost a son at birth. She sat exactly where you are for 10 years. It ruined her marriage, because she couldn't understand how her dh could NOT want to revisit the issue all the time. To her, by letting go of the grief around her son was letting go of him. It was like if she didn't experience this huge pile of emotion all the time about her loss that he had never existed.

 

Suggestions for dealing with this...is there any way that reforms can be made in the area of social services so that the needs of children are put before the needs of adult? Can you begin some sort of awareness drive about the issues that Monkey faced? Can you start a website/blog regarding adoption bereavement? (losing a child because of this type of situation) Because I know that there are others dealing with the same thing somewhere. (If any of these suggestions are inappropriate or hurtful, I am sorry, that is not my intention)

 

To be honest though, grief of this sort....you can't DO anything to make it go away. You accept it. When my mom died, I was a mess, but not as much as when I finally realized that, though she was not dead yet, she was dying. Also I had to accept that even though she was still alive, she would never be the mom that I grew up with. My kids would never remember her the way that I did. I had to set some limits on my grief. When it hit, I expected it. I would wallow in it for a minute. If I was home, I would jump in the shower and cry for awhile. Then, I'd take a deep breath and go do what needed doing. I found that I kind of needed to lean into the pain. It's like being in the ocean, with my head barely above water. I can see a wave coming and I can take a deep breath and dive under. But I can't stay under too long because I am needed.

 

What was hard than the missing was accepting that my future and that of my kids was going to have to look differently that I had originally expected. And that caused me grief (still does) too. I was not only grieving my mom, I was grieving the death of my dreams and hopes for the future. And I know that you are doing the same. You are having to rewrite your script for your life and it makes you angry.  I get it. Yet, that takes time. It takes time to refocus on what things are going to look like in 5, 10, 15 years. However, for your other kids, you need to think about that. What part will you play in it? How will they remember you?

 

I hope this helps...Rereading it, it sounds like random rambling. Any way, I am so sorry for your loss and pray healing to you.

[Alexigail]

You could try to find something to do in her honor.  Hard work is good medicine for grief.  I'm sure that seems impossible right now, because you're so consumed by it.  I lost my baby before I knew her and it was a searing pain I can't even describe.  I'm sure that for you, having gotten to know this sweet girl, it's much harder to live through.  

But  consider doing what you can.  I don't think it has to be creative or interesting, maybe start with the work that's in front of you.  Doing something in her honor, in her name, could help you with the feeling that you're betraying her by not holding on to your grief.  You are entitled to your grief and you don't have to feel guilty for having it.  But you can transfer that "holding on" into something useful and positive so that when your girl comes back to you, you're the mother she remembers.  Try to find comfort in knowing that she is in the world, a living testament to the love you gave to her and continue to give.  

 

Many hugs to you today.  I hope you find a little peace soon.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:    I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.   :grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

I don't know if this will make sense from the place you're at right now.....but I have lost a daughter, and I totally understand how grieving can be all encompassing.  I've watched family after family be destroyed when grieving takes over.  You have to choose to respond in a different way or the bitterness will eat you alive like acid. 

 

For me, I had to separate out some of my feelings.  I thought that my daughter would always be mine to raise. Instead, I realize that I was given the right to parent and bless her for a time.  I was only a steward over God's child....and He could take her Home at His choosing.

 

You were also given the gift to parent and love on Monkey for a time and bless her directly.  Now it's your gift to love on her in a different type of relationship.  It's less direct, but you can still bless her through prayer, through pictures, through skype, through whatever. You could be a rock of stability for her in a different way.  It's not "enough", I know, but I would prayerfully consider (if you are religious) if there's something you can do to still bless her.  You never know what may happen in the future.

[Cindy in FL.]

Pamela, I cannot imagine what you are going through. The thoughts that I have at the moment are: keep her a part of your children's lives by talking about her and remembering good times together; do something to honor her (plant a special tree or flowers that remind you of her whenever you see them); allow yourself a period of time each day where you can totally grieve her loss because it's not good to bottle it up. Maybe knowing that you will have that time will help you get through the rest of the day; purposefully make yourself engage and do the things that you need to do. I know this won't be easy, but I think if you move in that direction it will become more doable each day.

 

I am praying for Monkey and for you and your family.

[Scarlett]

Pamela, my heart just breaks for you. Like Wendy if I remember the worst pains of my life it does take about a year to stop obsessing over it. One was the murder of a close friend of mine from high school. The other was my divorce. I would say the betrayal of my xh and the divorce and having to send my son off to be around the other woman....I would say all of that was worse than the murder of my friend but I also think maybe it is just that after 25 years the pain has dulled from his death.

 

What has always helped me to process strong emotions is physical work. And this may not be a popular idea but I think sometimes over discussing our pain makes it worse. Once you have done all you can in a situation, it is beneficial to actively work to replace the painful thoughts when they come into our head. I understand though that feels like a betrayal to Monkey...but it isn't. You want to hold on to the pain out of loyalty to her....but as you have said that is serving no one and it is harming you and your family.

 

I know some things make it worse and I hope my suggestions don't have a negative impact on you.

[Scarlett]

Also Pamela, I would like to say that my dh is suffering some of your same emotions. His xw divorced him and took his children away. There is NOTHING he could do to stop it. Then just as he finds a way to deal with the pain of only seeing them for visitation as set up by a court of law.....his xw and new husband turn his 14 year old against him to the point he won't speak to dh or come see him. Dh is at risk of destroying the rest of his life and relationships because this very real WRONG is consuming him. I have said those exact words to him. He works at it but I suspect he is faking sometimes. Staying busy helps...and I tell him the times he feels he can't survive it, pray and pray hard even if the words won't come GOD will help him.

 

I also acknowledge to him (and you) that this is more than any human should have to endure. It isn't meant to be this way....and that there will come a time when God will open his hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. And then this pain will not even be brought to mind.

[Pamela H in Texas]

When it hit, I expected it. I would wallow in it for a minute. If I was home, I would jump in the shower and cry for awhile. Then, I'd take a deep breath and go do what needed doing. I found that I kind of needed to lean into the pain. It's like being in the ocean, with my head barely above water. I can see a wave coming and I can take a deep breath and dive under. But I can't stay under too long because I am needed.

 

 

I do think this makes more sense than beating myself up or trying to push through.  

If I can add this...

And I am doing some meaningful stuff otherwise.

And meditation

And mindfulness

 

And Phil 4:6.  The prayer can't be that I get to have her back now and raise her.  But I can ask for what she and I both need, our relationships with Him, etc.  

 

This is so hard.  Dr L and I have some intentional work we intend on doing next week.  I do believe it will work.  It won't work in just an hour, but we can get the ball rolling.  One thing I really like about Dr L (who also taught me about meditation and mindfulness and such though I adapt it within my religious beliefs) is that it isn't just sit back and talk endlessly, navel gazing, etc.  It is stuff like doing something meaningful and working with the feelings/thoughts and acceptance (something I've always struggled with).  I have hope.

 

ANd like Scarlet said:

there will come a time when God will open his hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. And then this pain will not even be brought to mind. 

 

 

Thank you so much Heavenly Father for this promise.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

I do think this makes more sense than beating myself up or trying to push through.  

If I can add this...

And I am doing some meaningful stuff otherwise.

And meditation

And mindfulness

 

And Phil 4:6.  The prayer can't be that I get to have her back now and raise her.  But I can ask for what she and I both need, our relationships with Him, etc.  

 

yes..I have a friend who lost her mother a bit over a year ago. She's struggling. She told me that numerous people are telling her to "get over it." I've figured out that you never really learn to get over a loss of someone you love deeply. You will always miss them. You will always have an empty chair at Christmas. There's always going to be a hole that NOTHING and NOONE can fill.

 

Yet, you learn to accept the holes. You learn to live as a broken person in this terribly painful world. And it makes me long for heaven that much more. I depend on my Father to help me through the pain, day by day, and eventually, I've learned to function and carry on. Yes, I still get lonely for mom. I wish it were different. But life is worth enjoying again. My family needs to see me laugh. They need to see me enjoying life and enjoying them too. Your family is no different. Monkey is not served by you abandoning your other kids to tend to your grief of her.

 

Give yourself a space to grieve and a time to grieve. And take deep breaths and get back to life. 

 

I promise you, God will send you another person with holes that are just as cavernous as yours are. And you will love them. You will understand their pain, their grief, their anger. And you will hold their hand and let them cry on your shoulder.  You will understand that there's no "getting over it." This is the one redeeming quality of pain...it makes us tender toward others who experience that same pain. You will find someone else and be able to tell them. "Yes, it hurts...but life is still good. It's okay to laugh and smile, even when you're hurting."

 

I won't tell you that "God has a reason for this and works everything for good." Because right now you are hurting too bad to hear or understand that. It's the wrong sentiment for this moment. I'll just say.. "He knows. He understands. He weeps when you weep. And he holds both you and Monkey in the palm of his hand. "

[Murmer]

Pamela,

I am so sorry for your loss...this reminds me of a blogger who is putting together a series of blogposts on what is motherhood.  When she asked that question I realized that to me motherhood is loving and then letting go....for some people they get to love a long time before having to let go but for others they only get to love for a short time.  You are a mother and you loved this baby for as long as you could in your home and you will go on loving her even after letting her go.  I don't know how to help you get through this other than to say keep loving even through the hurt of having to let go because that is the best you can do as her mother, and the mother of your other babies.