Ds(11) wanting to quit everything

[Tess in the Burbs]

He's 11 1/2 years old and has always done something....music, sports, scouts.  When he's over something he's honest and if the season is over he can not do it the next season since I know he will pick something up.  With music he had stopped playing so he was allowed to quit.  He's never had regrets when he said he was over something.  

 

Yesterday he tells me he wants to quit Boy Scouts.  He moved up this spring and did camp this month.  He said it's hard.  So he wants to quit.  I don't like this reason.  Life is hard.  Lessons to be learned here.  I offered a different group but he said he just doesn't like it and has no interest in doing it at all. 

 

Then he mentioned he won't play basketball this year.  He's not really awesome at this sport but has potential.  He doesn't go outside to play/practice though....so I don't see a drive in him for this sport.  He likes to play b/c it's fun.  

 

He was going to do soccer(and was excited about this in May) but after swim lessons this summer he's decided to do a swim team. I am still working on getting him on one for next year.  

 

I offered a robotics league....he said no.  He has them at home to play with.  

 

I mentioned music again, he said no.   

 

As for Scouts I am making him finish some things he started. (finish what you start) So he will go through October with that.  

 

Should I be concerned he has no real interest in anything right now??  Other than possibly swimming this fall?  I know kids need to be busy, especially boys.  His sister is a gymnast and always busy/in the gym.  He's the opposite of her as far as drive/passion/interest goes.  I think he needs something to DO.  When home he wants to play video games all day.  So it's a battle to come up with things to do ..... do we make activities mandatory?  Or create more 'work' around the house?  It just feels wrong to let him do nothing. Since doing nothing just means he's whining to me about being bored.....

[kroe1]

I just went through this with DD13.  I made her stick with 2 of her "interests".  I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not, it's just what I did.  She seems to be very happy she's still in it now.

[fairfarmhand]

Perhaps he needs projects at home to keep him occupied, but he doesn't want the formal accountability of scouts?

 

Maybe he needs a toolbox of tools and some scrapwood.

 

I'd also limit screen time (1 hour per day) and make exercise mandatory.

[sparrow]

I would sit down and have a serious talk with him about choosing ONE activity that interests him.  Is there a good 4-H club in your area? 4-H clubs can offer several different activities and he can choose a club that focuses on something he is interested in.

 

My son's activity is Boy Scouts, but that's it. I'm kind of following dh's lead on this because my tendency is to try to get him doing more, but dh tells me to let it go.

 

What about diy.org? Of course, my son isn't that interested, but my daughter has done tons of projects on there.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Perhaps he needs projects at home to keep him occupied, but he doesn't want the formal accountability of scouts?

 

Maybe he needs a toolbox of tools and some scrapwood.

 

I'd also limit screen time (1 hour per day) and make exercise mandatory.

 

He has to read 30 min and exercise an hour to get an hour of video games but it seems Daddy comes home and there's more video games.....

[Tess in the Burbs]

And to add, even though my son doesn't do many outside activities, he definitely has lots of hobbies and interests. 

 

Do you and your husband have outside activities that you go to?  I didn't for years and my husband has not since I've known him.  I do take violin lessons, but that's been fairly recent.  I don't really like outside group activities.

 

Well this varies too.  He wanted a bb gun, so my dad bought him one.  I think he's shot it 4 times.  We have a nice target thing that collects the bb's when he hits the target so he's got the stuff to do it.  

 

He has lego's galore and will play with them.  He has two mindstorm robot kits and used to enjoy those.  

 

He likes his knife but never whittles with it......

 

So I guess no, he has no hobby per se.  I will look into the 4H thing.  And maybe see if he wants to do some woodworking....once he asked about it.  

 

I have offered everything under the sun to try or do but he just has no interest.  He likes to camp....so the whole scout thing is confusing.  He said he just wants to camp with us as a family and do things on our time and not a schedule lol.  I love to camp but our schedule doesn't give us much time anymore to do it.  And while I love the idea of more family time, at this age it seems he should be more out and about with friends camping you know?  So I don't think his interest has waned.....it's just a lack of interest in the people there.  But he didn't want to change scout groups either.  Just wants family time camping.  

 

I don't believe in forced activity(why we let him quit music lessons b/c you can't force them to play) but do think he needs something of his choice. I don't care what he does, just something.  

 

I guess I will keep calling about the swim thing and fork over the money and see what happens..... 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I felt sad about the fact my son wasn't into these things because I didn't have many opportunities when I was a kid.  I thought how can he not take these opportunities?!  But ya know, my dreams and ideals aren't necessarily his.  And I can only speculate as to how I would have felt to be forced into various activities.

 

I was in girl scouts for a time as a kid.  I hated it from the very beginning.  I tried music lessons.  The instructor just screamed all the time.  Sports...I am so bad at sports that it's painful for me (mentally and physically).  So I suspect I would have been the same as my son even given all the opportunities.

It's funny b/c when he wants to do something he really wants it.  So to see him just suddenly want to give up everything is sad.  

[catz]

I don't believe in forcing. But I also don't think unstructured time should be anything of their choosing if that means video games and/or staring at a screen. My oldest could easily be that kid. Because we've chosen to limit the screen time, he is much more interested at keeping at his activities (he has long term stuff and more fluid stuff too). I might encourage a kid to pick one active activity and one more team work and/or academic based activity (like robotics, theater, music, etc). OR I might say you need to be outside for 1-2 hours a day every day and give him a goal oriented project (you have one month to produce a robot that does X,Y,Z or something along those lines). My 12 year old boy would drive me nuts if he didn't have focused things to do (and right now, that is a bunch of out of the house activities, but it varies seasonally).

 

I can't comment on the scouts thing since my kids haven't done scouts, but I do think it's good and important to honor a currrent commitment through it's conclusion once it's started. Especially when other people might be affected by a sudden drop out.

[mom2scouts]

As soon as I read your title, I thought he might be depressed. Depression can show itself in different ways. When I was a teen I got depressed and wanted to do things, but had difficulty sustaining the effort and interest to continue. The fact that he wants to try things and then quits them is concerning to me. As for video games, it can be a form of escapism. I would have him evaluated by a doctor and do everything possible to keep him involved in a few outside activities.

[Tess in the Burbs]

On the Scout thing--how involved is his dad? Perhaps if it was something that he and his dad did together? Before I'd give up on Scouts altogether, I'd investigate a new troop. Perhaps his current troop is uber-focused on advancement and he wants to stop and smell the roses...

Dad is involved and even went to camp as a leader this summer.  

[Tess in the Burbs]

As soon as I read your title, I thought he might be depressed. Depression can show itself in different ways. When I was a teen I got depressed and wanted to do things, but had difficulty sustaining the effort and interest to continue. The fact that he wants to try things and then quits them is concerning to me. As for video games, it can be a form of escapism. I would have him evaluated by a doctor and do everything possible to keep him involved in a few outside activities.

 

I have considered this just based on his personality.  (glass half empty attitude)  He's just that person that doesn't do hard things.  Isn't one to seek out hard things to accomplish.  Quits when it gets hard.  Been that way his entire life.  So unless he's been depressed since super young.....hate to consider that option b/c his Dr would gladly try antidepressants but I would like to not if possible.  He has just always been that negative person who won't do hard things in life.  

[Catwoman]

It's funny b/c when he wants to do something he really wants it.  So to see him just suddenly want to give up everything is sad.

 

Well, it's sad for you, but it might be a relief to him.

 

I would let him make his own decisions about the activities, and try to realize that his personality is different from yours, so what makes you feel sort of sad, is actually what will make him happy.

 

I think it's very nice that you are considering his feelings and not just forcing him to participate in things that no longer interest him. He's 11. His interests can change from one day to the next -- it's not a big deal.

[Julie Smith]

My kids are younger, but they have no interest or desire to do any organized out of the house activites. My rule is that you have to do piano unless you pick and stick with an organized activity that occupies you for 2 hours a week. 

 

Since I think this rule is a good one everyone in our house follows it. Dh and I do social dancing on Wednesday. 

 

I recmmoned you figure out what you want your son to do, and why it's important. Then discuss this with your son. If you want come up with a rule such as mine. "Pick an outside the house activity with a mentor/coach/teacher that occupies your time for at least 2 hours a week". Then list the various options he can pick from that meet your rule.

[Pippen]

Has there been anything else replacing his other interests, ie video games?

[Um_2_4]

Um, maybe he has burn out? Some people are just not "organized" activities people. I'm not.

And DS11 is practically begging for more family time sans tv/movies/games???? I would move all I could around (baring major medical reasons not to, therapy, treatments, etc.) to arrange that in these formative preteen years.

Maybe look for some project books... codeacademy? diy.org? enter some writing competitions??? There has to be some individual things he could pick from.

If he is an introvert or semi-introvert, don't push him, really, it is draining for introverts to always be on the go.

[chiguirre]

If he wants to do swim team, I'd try really hard to find one for him. That's such an all-consuming activity that I'd let that be the only extracurricular if he's lost interest in other sports or scouts.

 

However, if he isn't going to swim, I'd explain that colleges look at your extracurriculars in addition to your grades and test scores. If he's aiming for a competitive school, he needs to pick something (or, better yet, a couple of somethings) and stick with them through high school. If he doesn't start now, his choices will be limited once he hits 9th grade.

[fairfarmhand]

Since video game time is a big way that he and dad connect, I would probably limit it to the evening hours after supper.

 

Also, consider that at 11, he's growing up... changing quickly.  Or perhaps his friends and acquaintances are growing faster or changing who they are. It may take some processing time for him to figure out who he wants to be and what he wants to do.

 

I'd give him a contract. I will let you quit x and y for now on x date. However, your job is to find things to occupy yourself that don't involve nagging whining or screens. If you end up doing any of that, I will help fill your time with chores.

[Myeightkiddies]

Um, maybe he has burn out? Some people are just not "organized" activities people.

 

When I read the first post, my immediate thought was that it could be burn-out.  He may just need a break.

 

Ever have a really busy week or month?  Maybe during that time you had a lot of fun shopping, visiting relatives, doing homeschool events, etc.  After awhile, you decide that you really want some time home - a time just to not have to be somewhere or to do things that you want to without a schedule.  We all do.  

 

At his age, he may not have the ability to think rationally and trim down activities.  In his mind it could be all or nothing.  He may want a break, so he is choosing nothing.

 

Sit down with him and talk about it.  Let him know that it is ok to just hang out for a bit and take a break.  Be sure, though, to tell him that it is fine to stick with one activity.  Explain that the one activity will only require him to attend on certain days along with certain amount of time for practice/projects.  Compare it to his current schedule.  If it is burn-out, he should be able to understand with the explanation that the activity that he chose will not consume all his "free time".  He may decide that he would like to do one activity.  Also, don't hesitate to give him a month off.  A month to a child that age is a long time, and it may be all he needs to refresh himself.  Remember that not wanting to do something today doesn't mean that he will feel the same in a couple months. It could be a whole different story.

[Jaz]

My ds is similar. He enjoys participating in activities with family and small groups of friends but not formal groups. He just has a different personality than I do! I think you're smart to limit video games to time with dad and require exercise. If my ds was interested in swim team, I'd jump into that.

[twoxcell]

Is it possible this is some kind of hormone thing related to puberty? That is the first thought I had anyways. If he is interested in swim team I would find a team and go for that. Swimming is excellent exercise and team will have lots of opportunity for physical outlet and meets.

[KungFuPanda]

How many activities do YOU do for fun? Boy Scouts is a lot of work if you enjoy it. I can't imagine being made to do it. He may be so busy doing things he HAS to do that he doesn't have time to relax, regroup, and really think about what he wants to try next.

 

If I didn't allow my daughter to quit dance (an activity I chose for her at age 4 and she continued until age 14) she wouldn't have TIME to get into her current passion. She needed time and she needed it to be her choice. Now she's spending even more time on theater projects than she did in a dance company. The kicker is that she's The Dancer in her theater group, so she has transferred skills and interests to this new endeavor.

 

In the end, even though she spent 6 months without an organized activity, it all turned out OK. She's a good kid and doesn't spend much time staring at screens. IF screens were a problem, I'd just declare certain hours to access them . . . like 'only from 9-10 a.m.' or 'only when Daddy is home.' Use a timer on your cords so you don't have to enforce it every day.

[lea1]

Hi might be interested in trying some kind of computer programming as a hobby or project type of thing, especially if he likes video games. Just a thought, although I realize it is additional 'screen' time. It does take logic and make you do a lot of thinking along the way though.

[Tammyla]

He may be feeling the stess of being a pre-teen as those hormones kick in.  They can be difficult years to navigate. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm not sure why many people insist that their kids participate in organized activities, when the kids have indicated that they have no interest in it. And if they allow their child to quit one activity, the child has to choose another one to replace it.

 

Some kids genuinely enjoy staying at home and doing things alone, with a friend, or with their families. I don't understand why parents force them to join activities, take lessons, sign up for a sport, or whatever, if the kid is happy without those things.

 

(I'm not addressing this comment to Tess -- it's just a general opinion.)

[SunnyDays]

I don't know, but you've described my son almost perfectly. What I've come to realize is that although he is outgoing, he is also an introvert in that he really needs down time at home to recharge. Mine is not super athletic, much to the chagrin of DH, who was a four season athlete all through school.

 

We recently had a conversation with DS about why it's important to be involved in something. First, as mentioned above, you have to build that resume... Most places, if you want to play a sport (or whatever activity) in high school, you have to be involved long before that. Another reason is social... Being involved in activities you enjoy, you often meet other people who also enjoy it, and you therefore have something in common. Plus it's fun to feel part of a team or group.

 

I don't like forcing activities either, but we've told ours he has to be involved in *something* most of the year. Doesn't have to be the same thing all the time... Right now we seem to have a pattern of basketball one day per week in winter, golf one day per week in summer, and art classes when we can fit them. And he enjoys all those things once I get him out the door! But left to his own devices, yes, he'd play video games all day long. While I think that's a healthy PART of a tween boy's life, we told him there simply has to be more.

 

Hugs, it's hard to find that right balance.

[chiguirre]

I'm not sure why many people insist that their kids participate in organized activities, when the kids have indicated that they have no interest in it. And if they allow their child to quit one activity, the child has to choose another one to replace it.

 

Some kids genuinely enjoy staying at home and doing things alone, with a friend, or with their families. I don't understand why parents force them to join activities, take lessons, sign up for a sport, or whatever, if the kid is happy without those things.

If you think your child will want to attend a college that's hard to get into, they'll need something to make them stand out of the blizzard of applicants. The most straightforward way to do that is with traditional extracurricular activities. You could do it by doing a hobby on your own at home, but it's much harder to document. If your kid really hates group stuff, I'd consider something like training for a triathlon (they're not all Iron Man, this is actually doable for an athletic but not sportsy kid). If they're crafty, maybe they could sell on Etsy. Maybe their passion is volunteer work. Sometimes just their normal life circumstances are enough if they've had to overcome challenges just to get their grades and test scores, they can write about that in their personal essay. I do think that as parent guidance counselors we have the obligation to keep this in mind and help steer our kids in the direction they need to go to achieve their goals.

[Julie Smith]

I'm not sure why many people insist that their kids participate in organized activities, when the kids have indicated that they have no interest in it. And if they allow their child to quit one activity, the child has to choose another one to replace it.

 

Some kids genuinely enjoy staying at home and doing things alone, with a friend, or with their families. I don't understand why parents force them to join activities, take lessons, sign up for a sport, or whatever, if the kid is happy without those things.

 

(I'm not addressing this comment to Tess -- it's just a general opinion.)

 

In some cases I think it's because they feel their child is missing out on something and can't understand why they don't want to do outside activities. The parent saying, "You are so lucky to have this chance. I can't understand why you don't appreciate it like you should. I would have been so happy to get these chances as a kid. You are so lucky." Meanwhile never taking the time to learn or at least understand that what they would have wanted is not the same as what there kid wants. 

 

I think in other cases it's just that the kid doesn't find anything productive to do at home. If my Mother could have made my brother do activities he would have done many of them. Because his only choice of at home activity for a couple of years was playing with his gaming system. About 40+ hours a week. 

 

In my case I make my kids do piano because I really like them having a teacher/mentor other than me. Eldest really likes the lessons and Youngest is okay with it. I know if they want to quit I will make them pick something else. I just want them to be use to dealing with an adult or adults other than me in a teaching role. I also think it's good to get out on a semi regular basis to learn something new or practice a skill with people outside your family. I also think it's very good if it's an organized activity so it's more likely to happen, more of a prioity for everyone invovled. 

[lllll]

..

[Julie Smith]

Yeah, I agree.  A lot of these activities appear busier and more interesting than they actually are.

 

We did 4H for a bit.  We'd plan what would seem like interesting activities and events.  Come activity or event time it was done in a few minutes.  The parents dragged the kids through because the parents want their kids to "experience" these activities. 

 

Ack! This and other stuff that can happen in group activites drives me bonkers. 

 

For example we did a indoor rock climbing thing. It was drop in. Everyone had to be sitted and ready at 6. Mind you we would not get started till 6:10 waiting for stragglers. Then we would spend 20+ minutes reviewing the rules. This was always done in the same way. The teacher would ask the kids what the rules were. Some kid would yell out a rule. Then it would continue. Some rules would be stated several times. Every time kids would end up listing obvious rules that didn't really apply to the situation, such as "No stealing." Then people would start listing stuipd exceptions to the rules, "You can only go near the edge of the climbing wall if you know how to fly". Since everyone is talking and the teacher is having trouble keeping everyone's attention I personally found it hard to even hear the rules. Then the remind to stay sitting and raise you hand several times during this. 

 

Same group of kids almost every week. Same way of going over the rules every week. Drove me and my kids bonkers to the point we quit the activity. Basically the first 30+ minutes they would have to sit quietly on the floor waiting to begin when all this went on. 

[readinmom]

Could it be he's getting to that pre-puberty stage?  Middle ds was like this and found his way in water polo and swimming this year.  He had no experience at all and excelled.  Like your son, he had potential but lacked the drive.  He definitely knew his likes and dislikes.  We backed off and decided if he was interested, we would support him. 

 

I want to add that this decision was made much easier after having oldest ds play competitive baseball since the age of 10.  Weekends, travel, not much of a life outside of baseball. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Well we have talked a lot in the last few days about his role in life.....he knows during school he has that and his household chores to do.  I don't mind him having no activities as long as he is productive and not asking every 5 min for video games or saying he's bored.  This is the kid who can play alone for hours and be happy.  I do think he needs some exercise.  He's easier to be around when he's had some energy spent :-)  But no, he doesn't have to have an activity as long as he's getting some exercise daily and doing his school/chores without an issue.  But we aren't allowing video games to be his only 'hobby'.  

 

In the past he would ask to play a sport, we would indulge.  Some he did more than others.  Some he dropped and asked for later.  Swimming would be brand new.  He has asthma but in the swim lessons this summer he's been ok and said he likes how he feels in the water.  So I am all for the swim thing being his only thing.  I know it will be 3 days a week.  But a few months ago he wanted to do soccer....and now that's out?  

 

I appreciate all the comments and opinions.  I have really thought through this and for now he will try out for the swim team.  He has another 2 weeks of lessons to hopefully learn the butterfly stroke.  He worked on some scout stuff today.  I didn't realize the homework for this merit badge included 8 hours of volunteering at another organization.  So we will do what we can and if that one doesn't get finished it's ok.  But he's going to finish what he started and is ok with that.  So mid October for that exit.  And we are being open minded about what he does.  He asked me today about building a structure in the backyard.  Based on his drawings he wants to build a house!  Like with windows and all lol.  I offered him a $ amount and we are going to get him wood, and let him use the saw and hammer and see what he comes up with.  

 

But nothing is mandatory as long as he's not sucked into the video games daily.  I think we offer up so many other options to get him off the games.  It's just not a good fit for his personality.  Makes him angry toward everyone around him.  And he's starting to see that.  Ah puberty.  Can't we skip this phase??

[catz]

I think in other cases it's just that the kid doesn't find anything productive to do at home. If my Mother could have made my brother do activities he would have done many of them. Because his only choice of at home activity for a couple of years was playing with his gaming system. About 40+ hours a week.

Um yeah - that could easily be my 12 year old I think. He's really social, but he loves his tech. My DH and I both have comp sci backgrounds. There is NO way I would let this particular kid being engaged in a gaming system for 40 (or even 20) hours a week. That would just lead to no good. And in general, we have pretty liberal tech/gaming policies. He would be grunting at all of humanity within the week.

 

 

In my case I make my kids do piano because I really like them having a teacher/mentor other than me. Eldest really likes the lessons and Youngest is okay with it. I know if they want to quit I will make them pick something else. I just want them to be use to dealing with an adult or adults other than me in a teaching role. I also think it's good to get out on a semi regular basis to learn something new or practice a skill with people outside your family. I also think it's very good if it's an organized activity so it's more likely to happen, more of a prioity for everyone invovled.

I actually "make" my kids do music lessons too and we call it school. Although, both kids did ask to start. Older generally likes it and has NEVER once asked to quit (and he actually just started voice lessons by request as well). Younger will say "I want to quit!" and then 10 minutes later she'll say "I'm so excited to be in orchestra next year!". She is like this about a lot of things. So we stick at it for now. I'm open to her quitting or switching instruments in another year or 2 when she has a really good base of note reading behind her. I absolutely love that they're getting kind of a mentor opportunity with music lessons.

 

I actually think as a homeschooling parent it IS acceptable to require an outside class of some sort if you have holes at home or you think it would serve your child well. If my kids were in school 6+ hours a day, I would not be as comfortable with that. Obviously, it's best to know your own child and their needs and interests. There have been a couple things my kids have tried they haven't enjoyed. There have been other things they thought they'd hate that they ended up loving. ETA - that said, I do not think it's acceptable to keep your kid in something long term they truly hate.

[Catwoman]

If you think your child will want to attend a college that's hard to get into, they'll need something to make them stand out of the blizzard of applicants. The most straightforward way to do that is with traditional extracurricular activities. You could do it by doing a hobby on your own at home, but it's much harder to document. If your kid really hates group stuff, I'd consider something like training for a triathlon (they're not all Iron Man, this is actually doable for an athletic but not sportsy kid). If they're crafty, maybe they could sell on Etsy. Maybe their passion is volunteer work. Sometimes just their normal life circumstances are enough if they've had to overcome challenges just to get their grades and test scores, they can write about that in their personal essay. I do think that as parent guidance counselors we have the obligation to keep this in mind and help steer our kids in the direction they need to go to achieve their goals.

I know several parents who are worried about their kids' extracurricular activities to the point where they are forcing their children to do impressive-sounding things for the sole reason that they will be able to include them on college applications. Tess's ds is 11. IMHO, neither he nor Tess should be basing his activities on whether or not they will look good on a college application. If he wants to do something, that's great, but I hate it when parents have an ulterior motive instead of truly wanting to help their kid find a hobby or activity he enjoys.

 

FWIW, almost all of the kids in our family end up attending Ivy League universities, and I have to tell you in all honesty that very few of them have had any incredible, amazing, standout extracurricular activities to brag about on their applications. I think many parents are over-emphasizing the importance of doing something super-wonderful as a requirement for college admission. I'm sure that when the kids are being interviewed for admission, their lack of true passion for those amazing activities is often quite obvious, anyway. Do parents really believe that the colleges are so gullible that they believe that every kid who helped organize a soup kitchen is doing it for entirely altruistic purposes, and not just as a way to appear socially conscious on their college application?

 

I'm all in favor of kids finding a new interest and running with it, but I think it's a lot more important for a kid to find something he really likes to do, rather than choosing from a laundry list of "stuff that will look good on a college application."

 

My ds is 13, and right now, the last thing on his mind is doing something that will make his college application stand apart from the others... and that's just fine with me.

[LMV]

When I read your initial post I wondered if he was depressed.  Reading your follow up posts I grasp that this sounds more chronic.  This doesn't necessarily mean it can't be depression although a change would be more consistent with that (at least from an acute standpoint).  Sadly young children can (and sometimes do) have depression.   

[jhschool]

I would let him be.

 

He's only 11. 

 

Don't force the extracurriculars.

 

However, don't let him have any screen time--maybe 1 hour a day maximum.

 

He can figure out what to do with the rest of his time if and only if you don't

allow the video games all the time.  He can go bike riding, swimming, playing

with the dog, helping you sweep and mop, reading for fun, going out for ice cream,

watching fun educational movies, painting, etc.

 

If you limit the screen time and require 1 hour of physical exercise a day--it can

be jumping rope, jogging, or just playing outside--you should be fine.  Let him

be a kid while you still can.

[chiguirre]

FWIW, almost all of the kids in our family end up attending Ivy League universities, and I have to tell you in all honesty that very few of them have had any incredible, amazing, standout extracurricular activities to brag about on their applications. I think many parents are over-emphasizing the importance of doing something super-wonderful as a requirement for college admission. I'm sure that when the kids are being interviewed for admission, their lack of true passion for those amazing activities is often quite obvious, anyway. Do parents really believe that the colleges are so gullible that they believe that every kid who helped organize a soup kitchen is doing it for entirely altruistic purposes, and not just as a way to appear socially conscious on their college application?

IME, all of my classmates at Penn, with the exception of international students, had a long list of extracurriculars OR had one big thing they were passionate about and excelled at. I think the university was looking for the ability to juggle lots of time intensive commitments in addition to getting a high gpa and test scores. I was a freshman in the mid 80s and I can only imagine that it's gotten even more competitive since then.

 

However, you can either be a generalist and be an officer in a couple of clubs, or a specialist and play in 3 orchestras. Either of those paths are doable to compete for selective college admissions. There are options and you can find what works best for your child. Also, if you're not aiming at the Ivies or their ilk, you can get by with a lot less too. It is important to take your child's goals into consideration and think about what they need to do in middle school in order to be well placed to build their high school resume in light of their college ambitions. If you don't give it any thought, you're closing doors that you might regret later on.