How to Build Resilience to the Small Sharp Stresses

[jhschool]

Hi

How do you build resilience to stresses?

I am not talking about huge bad things, but "small" things like

someone being nasty or mean at the store/zoo/street/classes,

someone being nasty or mean on the forum,

a parent complaining angrily about something when you teach, someone being

curt and short and unfriendly...you get my point.  They are not "huge"

things, but I tend to get very upset and then mull them over and over in

my mind and stay upset for a very long time.  I get much more stressed out

than I would like.  I would like to be able to think, "Yes, that was pretty

stressful/annoying/upsetting/rude of them, but it's over now, and I'm OK,

I handled it, and now I can move on with my life."  I would love to be able

to do that.  Instead, the stress stays with me for hours (definitely the rest

of the day) and sometimes days.  I keep thinking about it and about how upset

I am now.  Then I get upset that it ruined my day, and it becomes bigger rather

than smaller.  It's also exhausting.

 

How do you cope/build resilience?

 

I probably wouldn't go to therapy, as I've tried

it for other things in the past and I don't work well with therapists.  I also would

probably not try medication.  But I'm open to most other ideas!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Have you always been like that? When my stress level got that far, I started taking an herbal supplement that helped me immensely. Without it, I would have been on antidepressants. 

 

Beyond that, I think I've finally just reached a point in my life where I can tell myself, "This will not matter in 20 years. Heck, it won't even matter in a few days." I let myself feel my feelings, and I remind myself that people can be jerks, and they will always be jerks, and I can't change them but I can inhabit my own little place in the world and focus on making THAT place a better one. If it's something I'm upset about or worried over, I remind myself that in 20 years, I probably won't even remember what that thing was, so I should not let it affect me so much today. 

 

Truly, though, I had to get my brain chemicals into a place where those thoughts could help me soothe myself, though. When things were very bad (and they were very bad), none of these coping mechanisms worked for me :( Do you eat well? Exercise? Do you take vitamins/supplements/fish oil/good brain things? I find coconut oil to be absolutely crucial for my sanity. When I find myself thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me? Where is my brain? Why do I feel like I want to cry at the drop of a hat? Why am I so angry about this stupid thing?" inevitably, I think back and realized I haven't taken my coconut oil in at least a week. When I start taking it again, everything improves. Can you lower your overall stress level? (That is my big problem--when my overall stress increases, my ability to cope with even tiny things vanishes.) 

[Zebra]

:lurk5:

[sparrow]

I did that extensively in my twenties and thirties. There IS something magical about 40. Once I turned 40 the little things seemed little.  I think dealing with big things, in my case, a very ill mother that passed away, among other things, really puts things in perspective.

 

I am not practiced in the art of meditation, but there is something to be said for deep breaths in stressful situations where I try to concentrate on centering myself.

 

Taking a walk outdoors and reconnecting with nature always helps, too.  Seriously, I'm not as hippy-dippy as I'm sounding right now ;) . These are things that have helped me.

[BlsdMama]

You tell yourself that feelings sometimes lie and that feelings don't determine your actions.  That's all.  No secret to it and it will only work to continuously practice.  We all struggle with things... Some with issue like gambling, or drinking, or major depression.  Others with other things like gossiping, or obsessing with the appearance of perfection, or being easily offended.

 

However, it helps to recognize that our feelings ought not CONTROL us - our thoughts, our actions, our decisions.

 

Then actively DO something else - probably something really physical.  It would also help to see if there is a trigger that you could avoid - like particular people.  Or, lol, people in general.  Some people should be more solitary than others. ;)

 

I know many parents who get stressed out about things like spills, toys being out, etc.  It helps to determine what is childishness and what is disobedience, because frankly, you can't be upset at a child for being a child.  It also helps to give others the benefit of the doubt.  I had a friend who was constantly offended at the way someone looked at her children or a comment they made.  In many cases I couldn't see the offense... It was simply her BEING offended.

 

I really think recognizing the fact that you are spending too much time on it is half the solution.

I think the other half is determining what action you will take to change your reaction process.

 

For example: If you were to then decide to go out running, you would probably turn the situation over and over in your head.  It would be better to tell yourself when X happens I'll pick up the kids and go to the store for a family prep. meal and listen to music.  So then you all pop in the kitchen and prep. dinner together while listening to loud music and having conversation - it would limit the amount of time you could turn it over in your head.  See what I mean?

 

[fraidycat]

You can try Tapping - EFT.

 

There is a new book out by Nick Ortner about tapping - The Tapping Solution. This book is like my own personal self-help bible. I highly recommend it -but unlike sparrow, I embrace my hippy-dippy-ness. ;)

 

If you want to check out the website, it's thetappingsolution.com

[GailV]

What I do:

 

I've figured out certain things (people, situations) are triggers that will cause stress, and try to plan accordingly as much as possible.  Lots of times planning doesn't work, but, hey, it's worth a shot.

 

I've identified certain foods, scents, and allergens that cause me physical stress, and realize that I have even more problem dealing with the above triggers when I've been around those things.  Again, I try to plan accordingly.  Sometimes just being aware that I'm more likely to become agitated because I've been around heavy perfume PLUS had corn products to eat PLUS that phone call (or whatever) helps me keep perspective.

 

I've noticed certain supplements, herbs and foods that help me stay calm and have less anxiety.  What works for me is probably slightly different than what works for someone else, but there are many many many articles, books and websites devoted to that type of information.

 

I've discovered that certain actions help me release anxiety.  Things like exercise (certain types work better for me than others), fresh air, direct sunshine (that is, not through windows), actually spending time in connection with the earth or ground.  And, yeah, EFT  like fraidycat mentioned (there are gobs of websites about that -- for example, I downloaded a free pdf book from Gary Craig, who is the one who popularized it years ago).

 

And, as someone else mentioned, I've just gotten old, and care less about a lot of things that used to seem important.

[jhschool]

Thank you to all who replied!

I'll read everything carefully tomorrow morning

and answer the questions.

[Momof3littles]

Are you getting enough time to recharge? Are you an introvert? Do you need more alone time? Do you get a chance to do things you want to do vs. have to do? When I get like that, usually other aspects of my life are out of balance and my self-care is lacking. Happens all too often :/

[elegantlion]

Turning 40, yup, that was like magic.  :lol:

 

I am bothered by many little annoyances. I've come to realize I am not responsible for how other people respond. I'm not even really responsible for how other people I'm related to respond to things. The only thing I can control is how I respond/react. 

 

I've also come to believe most people are not rude on purpose - jerks abound, however in the average sense, most people are just as stressed and annoyed as me. So, I work to not take offenses personally, you never know what happened before you showed up in their life for that moment. 

 

I've also realized that many people don't have great communication skills, I believe it comes from lack of training in critical thinking. Some people watch too much reality TV and think that is the proper way to respond to conflict.  :crying:  Nope, not really. Studying logic, informal fallacies, with ds has been helpful. So I can see when people are being illogical, sometimes emotion gets the better of all of us. But sometimes people simply don't think through situations. 

[jhschool]

I have always been like this unfortunately.  

 

I will look into herbal supplements.  

 

The 20 years would sound good if I was sure I'll be here in 20 years.  Maybe I'll say

5 - 10 years.  But I see what you are saying--that it won't matter eventually.  

 

That is a good idea making our own little world be a good place.  I will work on that.

 

I eat OK.  I am working on smaller portions, but in general I eat healthy.

I definitely need more exercise.  I walk about 3 hours a week, but it's not enough and

I can feel it.

I have a vitamin supplement but I often forget to take it.  I will start being careful about it.

 

I will try coconut oil.

 

Overall stress level is good.  I can be having a great day and then, get a mean comment

from someone or there can be a disagreement or something and then the whole day is

ruined, since I will start mulling over the issue in my head.  But maybe overall stress isn't

actually good?  It just feels that way.  I will try to figure it out.

 

Thank you for your response!

Have you always been like that? When my stress level got that far, I started taking an herbal supplement that helped me immensely. Without it, I would have been on antidepressants. 

 

Beyond that, I think I've finally just reached a point in my life where I can tell myself, "This will not matter in 20 years. Heck, it won't even matter in a few days." I let myself feel my feelings, and I remind myself that people can be jerks, and they will always be jerks, and I can't change them but I can inhabit my own little place in the world and focus on making THAT place a better one. If it's something I'm upset about or worried over, I remind myself that in 20 years, I probably won't even remember what that thing was, so I should not let it affect me so much today. 

 

Truly, though, I had to get my brain chemicals into a place where those thoughts could help me soothe myself, though. When things were very bad (and they were very bad), none of these coping mechanisms worked for me :( Do you eat well? Exercise? Do you take vitamins/supplements/fish oil/good brain things? I find coconut oil to be absolutely crucial for my sanity. When I find myself thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me? Where is my brain? Why do I feel like I want to cry at the drop of a hat? Why am I so angry about this stupid thing?" inevitably, I think back and realized I haven't taken my coconut oil in at least a week. When I start taking it again, everything improves. Can you lower your overall stress level? (That is my big problem--when my overall stress increases, my ability to cope with even tiny things vanishes.) 

 

[jhschool]

I did that extensively in my twenties and thirties. There IS something magical about 40. Once I turned 40 the little things seemed little.  I think dealing with big things, in my case, a very ill mother that passed away, among other things, really puts things in perspective.

 

I am not practiced in the art of meditation, but there is something to be said for deep breaths in stressful situations where I try to concentrate on centering myself.

 

Taking a walk outdoors and reconnecting with nature always helps, too.  Seriously, I'm not as hippy-dippy as I'm sounding right now ;) . These are things that have helped me.

Oh dear...I am over 40 and not getting better.

I am sorry about your mother.

 

I will try to check out meditation.  I have access to a local group.

 

I will try to walk outside too.

 

Thank you for your reply!

[jhschool]

...

 

However, it helps to recognize that our feelings ought not CONTROL us - our thoughts, our actions, our decisions.

 

Then actively DO something else - probably something really physical.  It would also help to see if there is a trigger that you could avoid - like particular people.  Or, lol, people in general.  Some people should be more solitary than others. ;)

...

 

I really think recognizing the fact that you are spending too much time on it is half the solution.

I think the other half is determining what action you will take to change your reaction process.

 

For example: If you were to then decide to go out running, you would probably turn the situation over and over in your head.  It would be better to tell yourself when X happens I'll pick up the kids and go to the store for a family prep. meal and listen to music.  So then you all pop in the kitchen and prep. dinner together while listening to loud music and having conversation - it would limit the amount of time you could turn it over in your head.  See what I mean?

I like that:  that feelings ought not control our thoughts.

I will try doing something physical.  I tend to just sit there mulling, especially at night.

That is a good idea--to plan something that will cut down on the mulling time, because my

attention will be elsewhere.

Thank you for your reply!

[jhschool]

You can try Tapping - EFT.

 

There is a new book out by Nick Ortner about tapping - The Tapping Solution. This book is like my own personal self-help bible. I highly recommend it -but unlike sparrow, I embrace my hippy-dippy-ness. ;)

 

If you want to check out the website, it's thetappingsolution.com

I will definitely check this out--thanks!

[beaners]

Does it help if you tell yourself to knock it off? You said you would love to be able to do it, so I'm wondering if you've spent much time trying it.  Can you reason with yourself that your reaction is unnecessary for what the situation actually was, the same way you'd point it out to a friend who called you on the phone?  

 

"Yeah, you didn't do anything and she just yelled at you out of nowhere! You don't even know why she did it. You know that she had no right to do that though, and that sometimes people act inappropriately and it has nothing to do with us. If it happens again you could say, "....something not rude but firmly stating you will be treated respectfully..." and now you have a plan for the future." 

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

I did that extensively in my twenties and thirties. There IS something magical about 40. Once I turned 40 the little things seemed little.  I think dealing with big things, in my case, a very ill mother that passed away, among other things, really puts things in perspective.

 

I am not practiced in the art of meditation, but there is something to be said for deep breaths in stressful situations where I try to concentrate on centering myself.

 

Taking a walk outdoors and reconnecting with nature always helps, too.  Seriously, I'm not as hippy-dippy as I'm sounding right now ;) . These are things that have helped me.

 

Really?? I've had just the oposite experience.  I used to be much more laid back and woldn't get all worked up about small things.  As I've gone through my 40's (now near 50) I've gotten way, way worse.   I keep wondering what happened to the old me. Taking herbal/vitamin supplements have definitely helped me.  My problem is that I'm not consistent.  I haven't tried coconut oil though - I'll have to look into this one.

 

Thanks jhschool for starting this thread.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Does it help if you tell yourself to knock it off? You said you would love to be able to do it, so I'm wondering if you've spent much time trying it.  

 

Good point. I do literally have to tell myself something like, "Wait a minute. Stop. You are working yourself up over something that you have no control over/that is not your problem to solve/that you can't do anything about now." And then when the thoughts start to creep in again, I shout at myself mentally to head off picturing the negative scenario again before it even fully "loads" in my head. I've just had to do it several times in the past week or so, over something embarrassing that I couldn't control and over something bad that happened that I couldn't control. I'll keep beating myself up over both things if I'm not careful, so I have to keep heading them off at the pass. It's working--it's getting easier to think of both things without cueing the "You're a horrible person" theme song. 

 

The supplement I take is called 5-HTP. I know there are several others here who have benefitted from using it (and a few who didn't like it). If you want more info, let me know, but there are also several other options. You might want to take a look at the book The Mood Cure, which addresses various issues (depression, anger, anxiety, etc.) and discusses natural ways to handle them. Lots of good ideas there, and it really helped me get perspective on the problem I was having. 

 

Even without going to supplements, coconut oil, fish oil, and a good multivitamin are excellent places to start. I have to leave them out on the kitchen counter to get back into the groove of taking them in the mornings. You might also keep an eye on your diet to see if there are foods that trigger you. My youngest daughter's emotions are affected very, VERY badly by food dyes--yellows make her rage, but even reds and  the seemingly natural "caramel" coloring set off an underlying anger that can pop up at any moment over the next several days. Someone's child here is affected the same way by sulfites in his food. 

 

:grouphug:  I hope you find a way to work through this. I know how it feels to live that way, and it's no fun. Even now, right before my period comes, I'll find myself having angry imaginary conversations with jerks I've encountered for days afterward! That's how I know to get my supplies ready :lol: But it's much better to free yourself from those feelings instead.

 

:grouphug:

[PrincessAriel]

Check out The Highly Sensitive Person website. They have a self test there, too.

 

http://www.hsperson.com/index.html

[lailasmum]

Are you able to stick up for yourself? I am a person who got really worked up about all the tiny things but recently there has just been a shift in the way I think and it has helped my stress. I think being OK with sticking up for yourself when these things happen and doing that a few times really helps so you don't come out being the victim. It's like I've cut off the energy sap that these things cause. I'm sure that hanging onto stuff is because of not really handling it at the time.

 

Maybe have a look into some resources on how to communicate with people. There are definitely some great ways to diffuse situations by just changing the way you say things in response to others criticism and attacks. Often if people address you with anger it's because they are expecting not to be heard by you and they have to go in all guns blazing. If you use the internet a lot then maybe a break from it would be good. Then ruthlessly cut the negative people out of your life if you are on facebook etc.when you come back.

[BlsdMama]

I like that:  that feelings ought not control our thoughts.

I will try doing something physical.  I tend to just sit there mulling, especially at night.

That is a good idea--to plan something that will cut down on the mulling time, because my

attention will be elsewhere.

Thank you for your reply!

 

I came back because I wanted to add something that might or might not be relevant.

 

In my specific life, my world revolves around the kids, healthy or not I'm sure some would argue, simply because there are a lot of them.  So people's comments tend to revolve around them as well.  And I'm sure you've heard the, "I could never do X, I don't have the X for it."  So, for example, I could never homeschool I simply don't have the ability (insert random characteristic) to do so.  Well, *I* hear I could never have that many kids, I don't have the patience for it.    News Flash: I don't have the patience for it.  I never did.  My mom constantly told me, "You're just like your Dad, you have no patience."  (Strangely my dad is one of the most patient people I know, lol. But that's OT.)  She's right.  No patience, none at all. 

 

But I've found that as we've had one child, my patience stretched, because well, it had to.  And then it stretched to enough patience for two when I had two... And then again and again.  It didn't stretch because I made the decision.  It stretched because over and over and over again I was put into scenarios where I had to cope with it.

 

  A lot of people will limit their situation and their scenarios because they don't like being made acutely aware of their shortcomings.

 

Trust me, that has occurred to me a number of times.  Had I had two and they were the easy peasy teens they are now I wouldn't have been stretched as much as I am over having eighteen years of sticky hands and spills.  I would have missed out.

 

And if you limit the people and situations you're in, you'll miss out too.

 

It is far better to recognize your shortcomings, know what they are, and know your recovery plan and give yourself the pep talk before you go in than to avoid them.

 

Because if you avoid them, you won't stretch and that would be a shame.

We all need to be out of comfort zone, learn coping mechanisms, be stretched. I thank God, often, I got stretched.  He's still stretching me.  Occasionally I still use it.  But I'm not who I was and He used a lot of stretchy situations to help me be more flexible.

[J-rap]

I'm a sensitive-type person, so I can certainly understand what you're saying!

 

Two things helped me. One, was having a really BIG stress in my life. Suddenly, the small things seemed like a piece of cake!

 

The second thing is realizing that people often react because of stressful or negative things going on in their OWN lives. My "big" stress helped me understand that. I've seen times that I haven't reacted as kindly as I could, and it's obvious to me (but to me only) because of all the stress going on with my husband's health and the major changes that have incurred as a result. But the store clerk doesn't know that about me! She doesn't know what's beneath the surface. The same holds true for people who react to me in ways that appear unkind or uncaring or just plain rude.

 

So, if someone acts rudely to me, I can more easily feel sympathy for that person now, instead of anger.

[aggie96]

Turning 40, yup, that was like magic.  :lol:

 

I am bothered by many little annoyances. I've come to realize I am not responsible for how other people respond. I'm not even really responsible for how other people I'm related to respond to things. The only thing I can control is how I respond/react. 

 

I've also come to believe most people are not rude on purpose - jerks abound, however in the average sense, most people are just as stressed and annoyed as me. So, I work to not take offenses personally, you never know what happened before you showed up in their life for that moment. 

 

I've also realized that many people don't have great communication skills, I believe it comes from lack of training in critical thinking. Some people watch too much reality TV and think that is the proper way to respond to conflict.  :crying:  Nope, not really. Studying logic, informal fallacies, with ds has been helpful. So I can see when people are being illogical, sometimes emotion gets the better of all of us. But sometimes people simply don't think through situations. 

I'm 39 and for the last 4 years I have really focused on the bolded above.  It has helped immensely.  Plus having a good gripe session with my best friend once in a while helps, too.  ;)

 

...plus about 4 years ago, I broke the french doors DH and I installed in our gameroom because he refused to agree with me that the air filters needed to be changed (a particularly annoying stress that comes up once a month for years).  My tantrum/anger cost me dearly in time and money to repair the doors, and all the time and money to install the the first time, in a split second of "little" stress, was wasted as well.  ...and I had to explain to the kids...  :(

 

My mom does NOT let small grievances go.  She holds on to them and stews...for a very long time...years...and it has gotten worse over time.  It has aged her immensely.  It colors all her thoughts.  It has made her a very bitter person.  I DO NOT want to be like that in another 20 years.

[aggie96]

I love the way you worded this!  DH and I are in a particularly "stretchy" season of life right now, and we have both handled little life stresses (that seem big at the time) with little grace.  We were discussing last night that it was time for a conscious attitude change.  It's hard coming out of a deep rut.

 

 

 

 

I came back because I wanted to add something that might or might not be relevant.

 

In my specific life, my world revolves around the kids, healthy or not I'm sure some would argue, simply because there are a lot of them.  So people's comments tend to revolve around them as well.  And I'm sure you've heard the, "I could never do X, I don't have the X for it."  So, for example, I could never homeschool I simply don't have the ability (insert random characteristic) to do so.  Well, *I* hear I could never have that many kids, I don't have the patience for it.    News Flash: I don't have the patience for it.  I never did.  My mom constantly told me, "You're just like your Dad, you have no patience."  (Strangely my dad is one of the most patient people I know, lol. But that's OT.)  She's right.  No patience, none at all. 

 

But I've found that as we've had one child, my patience stretched, because well, it had to.  And then it stretched to enough patience for two when I had two... And then again and again.  It didn't stretch because I made the decision.  It stretched because over and over and over again I was put into scenarios where I had to cope with it.

 

  A lot of people will limit their situation and their scenarios because they don't like being made acutely aware of their shortcomings.

 

Trust me, that has occurred to me a number of times.  Had I had two and they were the easy peasy teens they are now I wouldn't have been stretched as much as I am over having eighteen years of sticky hands and spills.  I would have missed out.

 

And if you limit the people and situations you're in, you'll miss out too.

 

It is far better to recognize your shortcomings, know what they are, and know your recovery plan and give yourself the pep talk before you go in than to avoid them.

 

Because if you avoid them, you won't stretch and that would be a shame.

We all need to be out of comfort zone, learn coping mechanisms, be stretched. I thank God, often, I got stretched.  He's still stretching me.  Occasionally I still use it.  But I'm not who I was and He used a lot of stretchy situations to help me be more flexible.

 

[Sparkle]

Really?? I've had just the oposite experience.  I used to be much more laid back and woldn't get all worked up about small things.  As I've gone through my 40's (now near 50) I've gotten way, way worse.   I keep wondering what happened to the old me. Taking herbal/vitamin supplements have definitely helped me.  My problem is that I'm not consistent.  I haven't tried coconut oil though - I'll have to look into this one.

 

Thanks jhschool for starting this thread.

 

Me too *sigh*. I just seem to have a lot less tolerance for people's stupidity. Maybe I need to try coconut oil. Or a brain transplant.

[Susan in TN]

OP, I'm like you, too.  I used to be able to let it roll right off - either that or I was just unaware of a lot of meanness.  Things tick me off more now than they did when I was young.  Little stresses - especially when I am getting ready to do something - make snack mix, cook dinner, work on a project - only to discover something I need is gone.  I have a hard time getting past those.  I think it's harder now because I have so many more "factors" (i.e. people in my family) involved now.  They take things and lose them.  They eat things I needed for dinner.  I have to run a fairly tight ship because, well, I need to in order to keep from falling apart and I just don't have the control over circumstances like I used to. 

 

So I think all these little stresses from my "control freak issues" just make the emotional stresses that much worse.  Poor sleep and nutrition and health can of course exacerbate stress for sure. 

 

I am more laid back in some areas, though, so maybe I've grown in some ways.

 

ETA: I just took the self test on the hsperson.com website, and according to that, I'm very very highly sensitive.  I'll have to look through the website more.

[G5052]

I think the key is to indeed not dwelling on what you can't change, and working on your own responses.  Move on and do something positive.  For some of us, this is so second nature that we don't think about it.

 

As a survivor type, I plow through anything.  That has it's issues too, but nothing really phases me now.  Maybe that's part of the blessings of having lived a lot of life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BlsdMama]

I admit I have been known to say to my children, " I know what came out of MY mouth, but what you translated it to between my mouth and your ears isn't my fault." But only when I have been nice, lol, if I reflect back and have been ornery then an, "I'm sorry" works better. But DH and I have both come to realize that ALL people "translate" what they hear, for the better or worse.

[Pod's mum]

Coffee

And dark chocolate.

Especially dark strong bitter chocolate.

 

That and getting older and even less depandant on other's opinion.

Having a major event in life does help reset one's care factor.

 

Wouldn't neccessary recommend it but it does work.

 

Did I mention chocolate?