Kids who say they "hate being homeschooled"

[junepep]

 

 

If you haven't already, you might consider apologizing to your daughter for this. From her point of view, this would be a very difficult burden for a young adult to carry.

 

 

Why on earth should she apologize for having a heart-to-heart with her daughter? It is not a "difficult burden" to know that you disagree over what you and a loving parent think is best. Her daughter now knows that she has a mother that is not only willing to listen to her, but who is also willing to allow her to have the freedom to choose her path in life -- even when her mother thinks that path might be a mistake.

 

Offering school was the best choice imho, but offering it without having a heart-felt conversation about why cakemom had been so opposed to it, and discovering why her daughter had been so keen to attend could have been damaging to their relationship in the long term. What if something deeper than -it would be like getting to go to co-op every day- was behind this sudden push for school? This way, although it was emotional, both of them were able to let the other know that even though they disagreed they still respected and cared for each other. It also brought home to her daughter that this is not a simple decision without deeper consequences, which made her stop and make a deeper consideration of the matter at hand.

[cakemom]

Thank you Junepep.

I appreciate your post. I did not feel sorry for not hiding my raw emotion and feeling for this situation and for my daughter. I could not contain it even if I had tried. It was just there and surprised me that I would even get that emotional talking to her about the situation.

 

Well, unfortunately, today comes with a different story with my daughters decision. She has asked to have a serious discussion with my husband and I and wants to go and tour the school. It is quite a change from last nights decision and she seems like she had done a 180 and now says she does want to go. It is a big decision and personally I think she is grappling with it and trying to figure it out for herself but inside, my heart sinks a little today as she talks about advancing to the next step.

[Lilaclady]

I don't think she has done a 180. I hunk she is weighing her options which is what you asked her to do. Hopefully, she will make a choice that will work with you all. :grouphug:

 

[daijobu]

Cakemom: You and your dd both seem like lovely people. I can just tell. Keep in mind if she does pick regular school, she can always change her mind. (and vice versa, but we won't worry about that). Show her lots of love and support and hope for the best!

[albeto]

Why on earth should she apologize for having a heart-to-heart with her daughter?

 

For placing the burden of mom's emotional break down on a thirteen year old.

 

It is not a "difficult burden" to know that you disagree over what you and a loving parent think is best. Her daughter now knows that she has a mother that is not only willing to listen to her, but who is also willing to allow her to have the freedom to choose her path in life -- even when her mother thinks that path might be a mistake.

 

What kind of freedom is that if the choice to do what you want makes your own mother break down in sobs?

 

Look, I get the emotional burden the OP is facing. BTDT, it can be gut-wrenching. Forgive me for being blunt here, but that's the mother's emotional battles, it should not be the daughter's. A child shouldn't be in the position of having to give up something profoundly important, like her education, to emotionally protect her mother. Please understand, I'm not suggesting the OP turned on the waterworks for the sake of being manipulative. I understand these things happen naturally, sometimes quite unexpectedly. Still, an apology is a considerate thing for having inadvertently put one's child in an emotionally difficult situation.

[Crimson Wife]

For placing the burden of mom's emotional break down on a thirteen year old.

 

 

 

What kind of freedom is that if the choice to do what you want makes your own mother break down in sobs?

 

Look, I get the emotional burden the OP is facing. BTDT, it can be gut-wrenching. Forgive me for being blunt here, but that's the mother's emotional battles, it should not be the daughter's. A child shouldn't be in the position of having to give up something profoundly important, like her education, to emotionally protect her mother. Please understand, I'm not suggesting the OP turned on the waterworks for the sake of being manipulative. I understand these things happen naturally, sometimes quite unexpectedly. Still, an apology is a considerate thing for having inadvertently put one's child in an emotionally difficult situation.

 

 

What I personally think is very unhealthy for a family is when parents repress their emotions and pretend everything is always 100% hunky-dory when it clearly isn't. My mom's family are WASP's and boy, did the whole repressed emotions thing ever cause some really messed-up family dynamics. My dad's Irish Catholic family could be a bit on the histrionic side at times, but I'd take that set of issues a million times over "let's pretend that we never, EVER feel anything other than pleasant" of my mom's family.

[albeto]

 

What I personally think is very unhealthy for a family is when parents repress their emotions and pretend everything is always 100% hunky-dory when it clearly isn't. My mom's family are WASP's and boy, did the whole repressed emotions thing ever cause some really messed-up family dynamics. My dad's Irish Catholic family could be a bit on the histrionic side at times, but I'd take that set of issues a million times over "let's pretend that we never, EVER feel anything other than pleasant" of my mom's family.

 

 

While I agree with you, it's not relevant to my point because these aren't the only two choices available.

[BrettW]

Please keep us updated on what your daughter/your family decides. :001_smile:

[cakemom]

Well, after riding a roller coster of ups and downs now for 5-6 days, dh came to me tonight and said he has thought a lot about this and he just does not think dd will get any better of an education at school than at home and that while dd may not think so, she has much more freedoms than she would going to school. He said that God gave us our kids to raise and we are supposed to guide them, not the other way around. He went and talked to dd and explained his thoughts to her about what he felt was the best choice for her.........to stay homeschooled. She is very disappointed of course.

 

So, I am not sure what was really accomplished in this whole mess. She still does not like homeschooling and now she is disappointed that her dad has decided it is best for her to stay homeschooled instead of going to school.

[Kathie in VA]

 

So, I am not sure what was really accomplished in this whole mess. She still does not like homeschooling and now she is disappointed that her dad has decided it is best for her to stay homeschooled instead of going to school.

 

An interesting lesson to be sure. Her education wasn't really her choice to make. Yes, her opinion was her choice and she can always weigh the facts to reach her opinion on the matter. But the decision was always his to make.... and this is a good thing. Lifelong decisions are reserved for adulthood status after one grows in their maturity .. in our culture this is around 18 years old. This is why our basic education goes till they are about 18 years old and decisions are made about college. The teen years tend to be the years of struggle as they grow and begin to mature. This is why it is so hard; they think they are ready for all the mature decisions when in reality they are only ready to start thinking about them. As a kid they blindly follow. As an adult they need to lead themselves. As a teen they need to learn about leading. So now is the time to stop blindly following and begin to follow with questions to learn how to lead. Now they voice their opinions, weigh the options, and adjust their opinions. Sometimes we can let them lead and other times we need to teach them how to still follow, wisely. They also need to learn that even as an adult, leading themselves might mean choosing to follow another's lead. This will be the case in many situations: at work, in marriage, in sports, etc. Before you can lead you need to know how to follow ... and then you need to learn when to lead and when to follow.

 

It sounds like this was the time for her to work on these skills. I think if God did want her to try school, your husband would have made a different decision. So there's another lesson here; how to ask God for something you want but to accept when the answer is no. This is a hard one to learn but it can be so ... 'freeing'.... knowing that you gave the decision up to God ... since He is perfect His response must be the perfect thing for you even if you don't see it yourself.

 

So what may have she learned? How to bring to you an issue that is weighing her down. How to discuss that issue with you. How to weigh the facts as she understands them and come to her own opinion. How to bring that opinion to you knowing that it differs from your opinion. How to follow those God has placed in her life to lead her. How to accept this answer with grace. Hopefully she may also begin to learn how to apply these lessons learned to other situations.

[Aspasia]

 

 

An interesting lesson to be sure. Her education wasn't really her choice to make. Yes, her opinion was her choice and she can always weigh the facts to reach her opinion on the matter. But the decision was always his to make.... and this is a good thing. Lifelong decisions are reserved for adulthood status after one grows in their maturity .. in our culture this is around 18 years old. This is why our basic education goes till they are about 18 years old and decisions are made about college. The teen years tend to be the years of struggle as they grow and begin to mature. This is why it is so hard; they think they are ready for all the mature decisions when in reality they are only ready to start thinking about them.

 

 

Yes! I love this. Should a child "have a say" in their own education? Perhaps. But having a "say" doesn't mean that you get to make the final decision. I don't understand this idea of making a parent feel like a tyrant for choosing to continue homeschooling even if her child hates it. We make a lot of decisions our kids don't like, but we stick with them if we feel they are in the child's best interest, and as parents, that's our right and duty to decide.

 

I'm sure a good 90% of public high school students complain about hating school every.single.day. And nobody looks at their parents and says, "Gosh, they are so controlling. Why don't they let that poor child have some autonomy, some 'say' in his education? It's his life. He knows what's best for himself." No! We realize that, like Kathie said, teenagers are beginning to desire more control in their lives but that doesn't mean they get to HAVE all the control they seek, especially over the really big things. They are preparing for adulthood, so yes, we should give more autonomy in whatever ways seem appropriate. But they aren't adults YET, so we are not tyrants when we decide something for them that they don't like.

 

We also realize with complaining public high schoolers that teenagers are contrarians. They like to resist and complain about whatever they feel is forced on them, even if it's pizza and ice cream. So for some people, I do think that allowing the child to feel like he has a choice can alleviate that resistance a bit, but if it doesn't (and it sounds like it hasn't for op's daughter), then the final decision still lies with the parents. As long as the child is a child, it is a parent's responsibility to choose what they think is best for that child.

 

So I think op's dh is right on. By all means, try to sympathize with your daughter and continue trying to work through her social concerns, but you do not have to feel guilty for choosing something she doesn't like.

[AimeeM]

For placing the burden of mom's emotional break down on a thirteen year old.

 

 

 

What kind of freedom is that if the choice to do what you want makes your own mother break down in sobs?

 

Look, I get the emotional burden the OP is facing. BTDT, it can be gut-wrenching. Forgive me for being blunt here, but that's the mother's emotional battles, it should not be the daughter's. A child shouldn't be in the position of having to give up something profoundly important, like her education, to emotionally protect her mother. Please understand, I'm not suggesting the OP turned on the waterworks for the sake of being manipulative. I understand these things happen naturally, sometimes quite unexpectedly. Still, an apology is a considerate thing for having inadvertently put one's child in an emotionally difficult situation.

 

She isn't "giving up" her education, no matter the decision made.

I'm sorry, but I've never heard anything quite as absurd as apologizing for showing emotion to your child. Our children NEED to know that we do what we do because we believe it is best for them, because we love doing what is best for them, and that while we love them enough to let them *go* on some level, we will still worry and fret over it. Having a cold parent who never cried over me was never something I wanted - even as a hormonal teenager.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

2 of mine have at one time or other expressed their dislike of homeschool and wanted to go to "real" school. I asked why and then addressed the issue. After that I simply told them we were a homeschooling family and unless God changed that in our hearts (they could pray and ask God to change our hearts) we would continue on that path. There are certain things we (dh and I), as heads of our family believe, they may not like it or agree but they are expected to follow along with the proper attitude.

[AimeeM]

Well, after riding a roller coster of ups and downs now for 5-6 days, dh came to me tonight and said he has thought a lot about this and he just does not think dd will get any better of an education at school than at home and that while dd may not think so, she has much more freedoms than she would going to school. He said that God gave us our kids to raise and we are supposed to guide them, not the other way around. He went and talked to dd and explained his thoughts to her about what he felt was the best choice for her.........to stay homeschooled. She is very disappointed of course.

 

So, I am not sure what was really accomplished in this whole mess. She still does not like homeschooling and now she is disappointed that her dad has decided it is best for her to stay homeschooled instead of going to school.

 

Ouch. While I agree that Dad of course has final decision making powers, I have to say I think it's kind of... mean to say "hey, yes you can make this decision", but then the moment it looks like it won't go in your favor, to veto that.

[swellmomma]

Well your dd may still not like homeschooling I think your dh was right that in the end it is not 100% up to her. That said you can still involve her in chosing curriculum for next year. While the 4 core subjects are non-negotiable so I don't let my kids choose those, I do allow them to chose their electives just like they would in ps high school. Feeling like they have *some* say in their education helps, even if they don't have ultimate say in how it is being delivered.

 

2 years ago my oldest was clamoring to go to ps, we went and toured the school, met with the guidance counsellor etc. Ultimately I decided it would be a no go. He had a curiosity about it, was sure he would have the chance to visit with friends etc. What he saw, of how classes were conducted, hearing the rules about how many minutes between class to get from one to the next etc he realized ps was not what he pictured. Since then he has fully embraced homeschooling (as much as he embraces any education at this point-he is fighting any form of education currently) as he has heard his friends talk about how much work they have to do, the busy work, the homework, the lack of time to even hang out after school because they have too much homework, so not only do they not get their days to spend with friends but they don't get their evenings either. He has said he is glad that I said no in the end. I have not taken it off the table completely, we will re-evaluate when he is starting grade 10 (that's when hs starts here) but ultimately it is up to parents to make those decisions, sure taking the child's opinion under advisement but ultimate responsibility is up to the parents to decide what was right. Just like I wouldn't allow my child to decide to quit going to school if we were a public schooling family kwim.

[Leav97]

...

 

I had a talk with my daughter (she is really almost 14) and told her that all I have ever wanted for her was the best and how I cared about her more than anything. I also told her that I felt the decision needs to be hers and that I did not want to keep homeschooling her IF she felt just forced to do it and she was not able to choose it herself.

 

...

 

 

Well, after riding a roller coster of ups and downs now for 5-6 days, dh came to me tonight and said he has thought a lot about this and he just does not think dd will get any better of an education at school than at home and that while dd may not think so, she has much more freedoms than she would going to school. He said that God gave us our kids to raise and we are supposed to guide them, not the other way around. He went and talked to dd and explained his thoughts to her about what he felt was the best choice for her.........to stay homeschooled. She is very disappointed of course.

...

 

 

You told her it was her decision to make. Then your DH made the decision. I'm betting this won't make homeschooling easier. I'm not saying this wasn't the right choice but, maybe not the correct approach.

[Crimson Wife]

When I was a teen, I begged to go to prep school. My parents said no. At the time I was very disappointed and angry, but now as a parent I agree that they made the best choice they could at the time given their financial circumstances. I would have gotten a much better education at the prep school (it's one of the best private high schools in the country if not the world). However, while my folks could've afforded to send one child to private school, they could not have afforded to send all 3 of us. It would've been very unfair to my brothers to allow me to go but not them. When I was a teen, I was a selfish brat and said some very unkind things about my brothers not being good enough students to get into the prep school so I was the one who "deserved" to go, whine, whine, whine. :nopity: I've since apologized to my parents and my brothers for being such a royal pain as an adolescent. :blushing:

[albeto]

She isn't "giving up" her education, no matter the decision made.

 

No, she's not giving anything up. It's simply no longer an option. It was, now it's not. Can't give up what you don't have.

 

I'm sorry, but I've never heard anything quite as absurd as apologizing for showing emotion to your child.

 

Well that would be absurd, I agree. I, however, see a difference between showing emotion and sobbing uncontrollably. One is typical behavior, the other is not.

 

Our children NEED to know that we do what we do because we believe it is best for them, because we love doing what is best for them, and that while we love them enough to let them *go* on some level, we will still worry and fret over it. Having a cold parent who never cried over me was never something I wanted - even as a hormonal teenager.

 

 

It is my opinion that teenagers' parents NEED to know that teens have legitimate desires that are respectable, and they do things for their family because they love them, but still the drive for autonomy is natural and good. It's a normal part of life. Having a teen that doesn't know how to be independent is never something I wanted, even as a hormonal mother.

[AimeeM]

It is my opinion that teenagers' parents NEED to know that teens have legitimate desires that are respectable, and they do things for their family because they love them, but still the drive for autonomy is natural and good. It's a normal part of life. Having a teen that doesn't know how to be independent is never something I wanted, even as a hormonal mother.

This I can get on board with, even if I disagree about sobbing uncontrollably, lol ;P

[cakemom]

Albeto,

 

I never said that I was sobbing uncontrollably! I just said I sobbed.......meaning did a little cry out loud. I can assure you I am a sane person who has never had any mental or emotional issues. I can see how one sounds completely different than the other but the uncontrollable part was never an issue.

[albeto]

When I told her all of this today, I sobbed! and she cried also. She apologized for making me feel badly

 

 

This is what I replied to originally.

 

She apologized for making her mother sob.

 

I mentioned you might want to offer an apology to her for this. That's all.

 

From where I sit, her inappropriate feelings of guilt were not corrected but reinforced and rewarded by you accepting her apology and moving on as if it was warranted. That's messed up in my opinion. My opinion. That's all.

[cakemom]

Albeto,

 

I am sorry that me showing some emotion to my daughter might have made you feel uncomfortable and that I must have intentionally cried to bring on a guilt trip for her. I don't know what to tell you but I am not a mother that would intentionally plan an evil scheme against my daughter. Thanks for your point of view though.

[Spy Car]

It seems awfully mean to me to offer the illusion of "a choice" that is truncated by playing "the God card."

 

I can't imagine this turning out well in any way.

 

Bill

[AimeeM]

It seems awfully mean to me to offer the illusion of "a choice" that is truncated by playing "the God card."

 

I can't imagine this turning out well in any way.

 

Bill

Kind of like dangling a coveted piece of candy in front of a kid's face, telling him he can have it if he wants it, then yanking it away as he reaches for it...

[albeto]

Albeto,

 

I am sorry that me showing some emotion to my daughter might have made you feel uncomfortable and that I must have intentionally cried to bring on a guilt trip for her. I don't know what to tell you but I am not a mother that would intentionally plan an evil scheme against my daughter. Thanks for your point of view though.

 

If you interpreted any of my posts as commenting negatively for "showing some emotion," or "intentionally planning an evil scheme," I suspect you didn't read carefully. It's not what I actually said. It's not even what I implied.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I wasn't a rebellious teen, really, but I would be packing my bags if I didn't want to homeschool, was told it was my decision, my Mom cried and cried, and then my Dad told me, "Too bad, God says no."

 

I don't want to bash anybody. I am a Christian and so is DH but we aren't the kind to tell our kids what God's will for their lives is, so I readily admit that I don't understand that worldview. I'm just saying I would not blame a girl who did not take this well in the long run. I hope dd will make the best of the situation and stay positive in spite of disappointment.

[LucyStoner]

I feel sorry for the girl having the rug pulled out from under her on the decision after being told that she gets to decide. I think that she is old enough to decide provided the high school is safe and that having this switcheroo is going to make things pretty hard between her and you and your husband for a pretty long while.

 

Frankly, by reneging like this, you have made yourselves into defacto liars and she will have little reason to trust you. That is harsh, but what you have done to her and the roller coaster you've taken her on is pretty harsh too. It would have been better if you and you husband had just said no from the get go. But you said she could decide and then said, sorry we didn't know what the heck we were talking about then.

 

Is there no middle ground? No part time enrollment options? No more frequent and interesting co-ops? No community based classes she might like to take?

[AimeeM]

I feel sorry for the girl having the rug pulled out from under her on the decision after being told that she gets to decide. I think that she is old enough to decide provided the high school is safe and that having this switcheroo is going to make things pretty hard between her and you and your husband for a pretty long while.

 

Frankly, by reneging like this, you have made yourselves into defacto liars and she will have little reason to trust you. That is harsh, but what you have done to her and the roller coaster you've taken her on is pretty harsh too. It would have been better if you and you husband had just said no from the get go. But you said she could decide and then said, sorry we didn't know what the heck we were talking about then.

 

Is there no middle ground? No part time enrollment options? No more frequent and interesting co-ops? No community based classes she might like to take?

This (bolded)... or, telling her that you wanted her to think about it, then come to you to discuss it, and that you would take her opinion into consideration, after hearing her reasons/argument in favor of.

[momma2three]

Yes, it sounds like she played by your rules. You told her to take her time and make up her mind. Which she did. She talked it over, thought about, and was clearly going to come to the conclusion you didn't want... so then you changed your mind. That's the part that strikes me as the most unfair. You put one final hurdle in front of her, and she was acing it, and then... *bam.* Rug was pulled from under her, the rules were changed, it turned out you were never serious in the first place. I think it's going to be hard for her to trust you in the future if you play a trick like this on her.

 

I definitely have a very different relationship with God than you do, but I also can't but think that the fact that you claim God conveniently sides with you, when she obviously believes otherwise, is going to do wonders for her relationship with Him.

[Lilaclady]

This is partly the reason why I don't ask my kids if they want to homeschool or not. It is not a choice we are giving them yet. when they are at the age and stage when we feel they can make better decisions about their education and we can also allow them to, then we can present it as an option. 2 yrs ago, my dd asked to go to a real school, when I enquired, she told me it was because she wants to ride a school bus. Luckily we had a lady in our coop that her husband drives the school bus. We quickly arranged a field trip and that was taken care of.

I think before you tell your child they can make a decision, you should know that you will all abide by what ever decision they make. If you can't they don't. Just tell them you are the ones responsible for them and the one to make the decision.

[Crimson Wife]

This is partly the reason why I don't ask my kids if they want to homeschool or not. It is not a choice we are giving them yet. when they are at the age and stage when we feel they can make better decisions about their education and we can also allow them to, then we can present it as an option. 2 yrs ago, my dd asked to go to a real school, when I enquired, she told me it was because she wants to ride a school bus. Luckily we had a lady in our coop that her husband drives the school bus. We quickly arranged a field trip and that was taken care of.

 

I think before you tell your child they can make a decision, you should know that you will all abide by what ever decision they make. If you can't they don't. Just tell them you are the ones responsible for them and the one to make the decision.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I wouldn't personally give my kids a choice unless I was okay with 100% of the options given to them.

[SeaConquest]

Yes, it sounds like she played by your rules. You told her to take her time and make up her mind. Which she did. She talked it over, thought about, and was clearly going to come to the conclusion you didn't want... so then you changed your mind. That's the part that strikes me as the most unfair. You put one final hurdle in front of her, and she was acing it, and then... *bam.* Rug was pulled from under her, the rules were changed, it turned out you were never serious in the first place. I think it's going to be hard for her to trust you in the future if you play a trick like this on her.

 

I definitely have a very different relationship with God than you do, but I also can't but think that the fact that you claim God conveniently sides with you, when she obviously believes otherwise, is going to do wonders for her relationship with Him.

 

I agree, and feel incredibly sad for her. I don't see this bringing her closer to her parents, to homeschooling, or to G-d.

[Joker]

Yikes! I think this was a horrible solution. There is no way my teenage dd would come away from that with anything good. I would be seriously worried about our future relationship no matter what she told me.

 

I do agree with another poster that crying to your dd while having this conversation seems a bit manipulative (whether you meant it that way or not). My kids see me show emotion even when it's hurt and anger, but I would never cry to them while giving them such a choice. I know without a doubt they would always choose the path that would cause the least hurt (especially to their dad and I) and I don't think that is fair to them in this kind of situation.

 

I hope the adults in this situation see how they went wrong and apologize to their dd.

[kiwik]

Hugs. It must have been horrible for all of you. But I am inclined to agree that it is unfair to tell her it is up to her and then change your mind AND maybe communication about your children isn't all that it could be between you and dh. I hope he hasn't unintentionally made your life a whole lot harder.

[SorrelZG]

Hugs. It must have been horrible for all of you. But I am inclined to agree that it is unfair to tell her it is up to her and then change your mind AND maybe communication about your children isn't all that it could be between you and dh. I hope he hasn't unintentionally made your life a whole lot harder.

 

 

I was hoping this, too.

 

OP, I'm sorry if I missed a detail but did you discuss this with your DH before telling your DD she had the choice? Was he of the same mind with you in the things you told her? If so, I do hope he will apologize to her and that she can accept gracefully that her daddy is fallible and accept his final decision even though it came through such unfortunate circumstances.

 

If you didn't talk with him about it first and didn't know him to be certainly of the same mind before telling her she had the choice, then that is something to apologize humbly for and I hope she can gracefully accept that her mom is fallible and accept the hard providence here. The Lord works all things out for good to those who love Him, even our shortcomings or the pains we receive due to the shortcomings of others (ie. there is reason to hope - all is not lost for the situation or for the relationships within the family or with God). *Hugs*

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

While I think you should have discussed this with your husband before giving your daughter the option, please try not to feel condemnation over this. You messed up. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. I agree that you should humble yourself and apologize to your daughter. Talk to her, hear her out, take her out to dinner, do something fun with her. Talk to her about what she thinks would make her homeschooling experience better.

[cakemom]

I had a talk with dd today and apologized to her for all of my mistakes in this situation and asked for her forgiveness. I agree that my approach in all of this was not a winning one. She not only forgave me but told me she loved me and gave me a big hug.

 

I think it hurts more to make mistakes as an adult then it did as a kid. There is still a lot for me to learn in life and a lot of things I need to improve on.

[HS Mom in NC]

Don't feel obligated to respond to these things, I'm just brainstorming anything I can think of that MIGHT be related to your posts. Not having been there, I can only make guesses that cover a range of possibilities and may not even be applicable.

 

1. 13 and 10 year olds are not known for their insight or perspective on life. They're very hormonal, in the moment, and many are very overly dramatic-especially girls. That's why we as a society don't let them make important legal decisions for themselves. What they think of something can change in the next moment, day, year or few years. My older two (17 and 15) have gone from saying they wouldn't homeschool their kids, to homeschooling them for a while, to homeschooling them. One wanted to go to community college at 14 or 15 but simply didn't have the academics or maturity for it. She's now 17 and enrolled in Community college for the fall because she's ready now. The 15 year old is ready too because she needs college level Calculus and science and she's very mature for her age.

 

I'm going to be hard core here when I say that where and how your child is educated is not an appropriate decision for a child to make. Whether they write their research report on George Washington or Benjamin Franklin is an appropriate decision for a child. I don't think it's the job of a parent to make a child feel happy all the time. It's a parent's job to do what they believe is best for the child even if the child doesn't appreciate it at the time. I consider it unrealistic to expect a child at that age to appreciate their education (wherever and however it takes place.) That comes with adult maturity brought on by life experiences usually only available in adulthood.

 

The kids who are only into an academic environment for hanging out with people are to me, categorically unready to be there. There are plenty of ways to hang out with people outside of a school environment-adults don't go to work to hang out with their friends. They hang out with their friends outside of work after they've met their family obligations. I think it's important that children only hang out with friends after their academics, chores and family obligations have been met because we have a whole nation of adults who are mentally and emotionally perpetual adolescents because they learned to expect entertainment and social fun as a much too large chunk of their lives and work as a far too small chunk of their lives.

 

2. Where I live there are proms, dances and graduation ceremonies for homeschoolers. If there aren't any in your area, maybe it's worth it to have her start working on making those available by doing something other than wishing. Your child can actually do some of the work to get what she says she wants: the research, advertising and coordinating that makes those things possible for homeschooloers instead of wanting it to fall into her lap by way of someone else's time and energy. She can do all kinds of prep, planning, coordinating, inviting and posting for the homeschoolers in your area. You'll have to help and supervise, but she can do a lot of it under your guidance.

 

3. Is complaining a habit in your house? With one or more of your children? Do you have a child with "woe is me," "the grass is always greener," if I can't have everything going my way then NOTHING is going my way," "I must obey every impulse or emotion I feel, " I should be reaping where I didn't have to sow," "entertain me" attitudes? Is your child too idle? What's the ratio of work to play/entertainment like in the lives of your kids? How much of your child's activities focus on entertaining/pleasing her and how much is spent serving and focusing on others? Have you become the activities coordinator and gopher catering to your children?

 

This isn't always a problem, but it's often a problem in our modern child centered society. How much of what your child gets is handed to her with her doing nothing to earn it? (Screen time, electronic devices, allowance, entertaining activities, lessons that require no practice on her part, hobbies and the supplies that go with the hobbies, clothing that isn't essential, spending money, eating out etc.) Does she have to work by earning money, doing chores on a daily basis, having a pleasant and respectful attitude, to get those things? Are you willing to take them away if she isn't earning them?

 

4. Is it possible giving your child options was done on impulse rather than after careful, thoughtful consideration after you had weighed all the options, discussed them with your spouse, and articulated which were on the table and which were not with your child? (I'm not completely sure I understand what happened, so this may not actually be an issue at all in your case.) If so, are impulsive decisions characteristic of your parenting or is it the rare exception? DON'T ANSWER THIS, JUST ASK IT OF YOURSELF. I know with my personality type that if I lived in a household with that kind of parent I'd be very unhappy. I prefer flexibility within structure, so seeing other homeschooling friends doing very impulsive, unstructured, free form, unsystematic approaches to homeschooling and life would've caused a tremendous amount of friction if they had been my parents and were homeschooling me. I'm also more a "just the facts ma'am" type person, so having someone make a decision based on whatever emotion they're experiencing at the moment and could change later rather than a principle or reason to be acted on regardless of changing emotions would create deep resentment in me. Granted I'm extreme, but I noticed lots of very emotion related words in your posts and I wonder if you're dealing with a child that's very different than you. Could this be a source of friction?

 

5. Whatever your homeschooling and lifestyle approach is, does it need to change to better fit the children you have? Do you need to increase or decrease structure? Do you need to increase or decrease rigor? Do you need to take a break and try something completely different? Is now a good time to let your child suggest an area or two of study? Does your child need a list of assignments for a week, month, semester and deadlines? Does she need more involvement from you because she's not following through?

[readinmom]

Ds went back to ps this year. Socially and athletically, a great fit. Academically, not so much. For some reason, it just feeds his slacker attitude.

 

Dd, on the other hand, is begging to come home for school. She has complained all year that she is not learning anything. Wish I could make it happen...

[albeto]

1. 13 and 10 year olds are not known for their insight or perspective on life. They're very hormonal, in the moment, and many are very overly dramatic-especially girls. That's why we as a society don't let them make important legal decisions for themselves. What they think of something can change in the next moment, day, year or few years....

 

We allow menopausal mothers who are "very hormonal, in the moment," and "overly dramatic" make important legal decisions. They even get to make these decisions for themselves. If I grew up in a home that thought this was typical of teens, I'd feel most unwelcome. Anyway, this 13 yo gets to see her friends once a week. I can't imagine training her to not complain is really meeting her needs.

[HS Mom in NC]

We allow menopausal mothers who are "very hormonal, in the moment," and "overly dramatic" make important legal decisions. They even get to make these decisions for themselves. If I grew up in a home that thought this was typical of teens, I'd feel most unwelcome. Anyway, this 13 yo gets to see her friends once a week. I can't imagine training her to not complain is really meeting her needs.

 

 

 

The difference, of course, being that menopausal mothers have decades of adult life experience behind them, the ability to think both long term and abstractly, and fully matured brain development to balance the influence of temporary hormonal changes. None of that is true of 13 year olds.

 

A very important life skill is teaching a child to decide and articulate in positive terms what they want and then offering helpful suggestions and support for ways to have the child take constructive actions to get what she wants. Sitting and complaining about it and wanting someone else to do it all for her is not a constructive way to do it and it just reinforces bad habits. We're talking after all, about a teenager, not a preschooler or elementary aged child.

[albeto]

 

 

The difference, of course, being that menopausal mothers have decades of adult life experience behind them, the ability to think both long term and abstractly, and fully matured brain development to balance the influence of temporary hormonal changes. None of that is true of 13 year olds.

 

I disagree. I've known many teenagers who display a maturity and wisdom that puts shame to many adults. This forum exposes some of these adults.

 

A very important life skill is teaching a child to decide and articulate in positive terms what they want and then offering helpful suggestions and support for ways to have the child take constructive actions to get what she wants. Sitting and complaining about it and wanting someone else to do it all for her is not a constructive way to do it and it just reinforces bad habits. We're talking after all, about a teenager, not a preschooler or elementary aged child.

 

I missed the post that explained the daughter sitting and complaining about anything.

[Crimson Wife]

I disagree. I've known many teenagers who display a maturity and wisdom that puts shame to many adults. This forum exposes some of these adults.

 

 

You seem to enjoy pot-stirring at this forum, especially about "hot button" religious and social issues. Maybe it serves some venting purpose in your life, but frankly, I think it's just plain rude.

[Aspasia]

I agree that it probably wasn't fair to give the girl a choice and then take it back. It also sounds like maybe there were some lapses in communication between op and her dh. And maybe op didn't think everything through before presenting her dd with a choice. BUT parents make mistakes. Maybe some of you don't, but I do! I hope that my kids never learn not to trust me because of ONE mistake. There is nothing wrong with saying to your kid, "Kid, I don't think that I thought this through before I offered you a choice, and your dad and I didn't talk things through together either, and I'm really, really sorry for dragging you through an emotional jungle--this is my fault, I made a mistake--but this is the decision we are making as your parents, because we think it is best for you."

 

The home is where kids learn about relationships. People are imperfect in relationships--that imperfection hurts the people they love and so they need to apologize. This is a great opportunity for the op's daughter to learn that people are imperfect, that it's okay to make mistakes, that you need to apologize and own your mistakes when you are unfair to someone, and that when other people hurt you inadvertently, you can forgive them. But she also needs to learn that her parents have the final say in this decision, even if it was unfairly communicated. I think at this point, the focus needs to be on apologizing for the unfair communication and trying to understand each other better, but I hope op isn't feeling bad about the decision itself, because she doesn't need to, IMO.

[Leonana]

Cakemom, it sounds like you've had a good conversation with your dd, and worked things out. I hope things go better for her and you in the future.

 

My dd says she hates school, yet she wants to be homeschooled. She just wants to skip the schoolwork, lol.

[mathnerd]

It is perfectly normal for a preteen to think that social interaction with kids who have not been handpicked by their parents (which happens a lot when being homeschooled) is desirable. It is also normal for said child to be jealous of other kids having a more conventional education system (especially if they hang out on facebook and instagram and twitter as the OP stated). This thread is about the parents enforcing their educational choices on a child who is approaching her teens and wanting to try other things.

My advise to the OP is that even though how to educate their child is the parent's decision, she and her DH need to think if this is the battle they want to fight with their daughter. Because your relationship with your daughter should not suffer and a lifelong resentment should not fester in your daughter's mind because of being "forced" to be homeschooled (which is how she is feeling right now). If you think that your family unit is going to be OK even though a teen lives amongst you thinking that she has no say in what is most important to her right now and that the issue is closed once and for all and things will be back to normal, then your decision will work well. If you think that this will lead to future behavior problems, acting out, rebellion, strained relationships etc, you need to talk more about this with your DH.

I am not saying if your decision is correct or not (it is not anybody else's call, only you can make the decision). I am just saying that you need to find how the homeschooling dynamics will work now that the child does not desire homeschooling.

 

Good luck.

[daijobu]

This may be small consolation to the OP, but this discussion has really helped me. We've given our 6th grade dd the vague impression that she would have input into whether she would be homeschooled in high school, and which high school she might attend. OP's experience helped me to understand that I need to be crystal-clear about her actual decision-making power, ie, that Mom and Dad can overrule her decision about homeschooling.

 

I would hate to have her carry the wrong impression for the next 2 years, dreaming of how wonderful high school will be. (She's never attended school, and thinks it's the bees knees.)

 

So thank you.

[La Texican]

You told her it was her decision to make. Then your DH made the decision. I'm betting this won't make homeschooling easier. I'm not saying this wasn't the right choice but, maybe not the correct approach.

 

 

I think it's healthy and normal for parents to change their mind "in front of the kids" (or literally about the childrens options in this case.) I believe that's called "working through this as a family" and it shows that decision making is not black and white and linear.

 

Albeto,

 

I am sorry that me showing some emotion to my daughter might have made you feel uncomfortable and that I must have intentionally cried to bring on a guilt trip for her. I don't know what to tell you but I am not a mother that would intentionally plan an evil scheme against my daughter. Thanks for your point of view though.

 

 

It's obvious to me as reader of this thread that Albeto is not judging the intent of your heart but she's judging your daughters response. I often read in parenting forums and articles that it is an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship for a person to feel responsible for the reaction of another.

 

I think before you tell your child they can make a decision, you should know that you will all abide by what ever decision they make. If you can't they don't. Just tell them you are the ones responsible for them and the one to make the decision.

 

 

I disagree with that. I don't have all the answers so I change my mind about things. I think that's actually a much better way to be, even "in front of the kids" or more literally, even when it involves the kids.

 

 

 

If you didn't talk with him about it first and didn't know him to be certainly of the same mind before telling her she had the choice, then that is something to apologize humbly for and I hope she can gracefully accept that her mom is fallible and accept the hard providence here.

 

 

I don't think you should apologize for "failing" by changing your mind. I especially don't think you should blame all this decision making on providence. I think you should continue to be sympathetic and try to talk about it (and everything else) some more.

 

I had a talk with dd today and apologized to her for all of my mistakes in this situation and asked for her forgiveness. I agree that my approach in all of this was not a winning one. She not only forgave me but told me she loved me and gave me a big hug.

 

I think it hurts more to make mistakes as an adult then it did as a kid. There is still a lot for me to learn in life and a lot of things I need to improve on.

 

 

Well, there you go.... we're talking about your family dynamics and what YOU would normally do; we're not talking about what *I* would do with my family anyway.

 

Cakemom, it sounds like you've had a good conversation with your dd, and worked things out. I hope things go better for her and you in the future.

 

My dd says she hates school, yet she wants to be homeschooled. She just wants to skip the schoolwork, lol.

 

 

I totally agree with this, wish you the best. And remember, "this too shall pass". Peace.

[La Texican]

It's obvious to me as reader of this thread that Albeto is not judging the intent of your heart but she's judging your daughters response. I often read in parenting forums and articles that it is an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship for a person to feel responsible for the reaction of another.

 

[La Texican]

And to clarify that point I'm just saying you said, "thank you for your point of view", when your response was to something clearly different than their point of view, which is a common and well known point to anybody who reads any parenting forums or parenting articles online (including this forum). I'm not saying I buy that line of thinking, just noting the mismatch in the response.