A question for those that have adopted

[5kidsforME]

All this talk about asking pg women questions reminded me of something.

 

About a month or so ago I went to a garage sale. The lady was selling her daughters cute clothes. The daughter was about 2 and she was adorable and clearly adopted. The women was selling Guatemalan dolls for a specific organization (one that I can not remember). I have family that are missionaries in Guatemala and I myself went to Guate when I was 16. Always gives me the warm fuzzies when I can talk about Guate.

 

Anyway, I asked the lady with a smile on my face btw "Where is your daughter from?" (pretty much knowing she was adopted from Guate)

 

The women got a cold steely look in her eyes and said curtly "She is from here. If you are wondering where she was born, Guatemala" and turned away. I was floored. I didn't know asking that was rude. I could understand if she had said it nicely and heck even gently schooled me a little I would have understood where she was coming from.

 

Clearly her daughter did not come from her body and I in no way meant for it to come across that she was not her daughter.

 

So I am wondering what your thoughts are and is there a better way to ask or should it even BE asked?

 

Thanks!:001_smile:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, since you were figuring Guatemala, I probably would have asked if her daughter had been born there. I might have prefaced it with having enjoyed my trip there as a teenager.

 

However, I don't think your question was rude at all. She might have just been having an off day.

[5kidsforME]

Well, since you were figuring Guatemala, I probably would have asked if her daughter had been born there. I might have prefaced it with having enjoyed my trip there as a teenager.

 

However, I don't think your question was rude at all. She might have just been having an off day.

 

Thanks you are right. I really want to know. I wold never want to hurt someones feelings and I would like to know for next time.

[Stacia]

Clearly her daughter did not come from her body and I in no way meant for it to come across that she was not her daughter.

 

Well, I think you can never tell. Genetics can be a funny thing. I have a friend whose biological kids look nothing like her & she's had people who thought her kids were adopted, even though it is not the case. Another friend I have who is adopted often got things like 'oh, you & your brother look so much alike', etc... even though they were both adopted & came from different sets of parents.

 

Instead of asking about her daughter directly, I would have asked if she had special ties to Guate. since she was selling things to raise funds, etc..., while mentioning your own special memories of the place.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[dragons in the flower bed]

I have a friend whose biological kids look nothing like her & she's had people who thought her kids were adopted, even though it is not the case.

 

I have had that happen, too. My kids are blond and blue-eyed, and I've got dark hair and brown eyes. It's not that much difference, really.

 

Some moms refer to their kids by the nation they were adopted from, which seems kind of weird to me, like, can't you think of something to say about your kid besides her race? But some get upset if you bring up that they're adopted at all. So I content myself to do my best to follow adoption language etiquette, and if parents have preferences outside of those typical guidelines, well, the ball is in their court to let me know.

 

But this mom wasn't just letting you know. She was being snappy. Maybe she was having a hard day. Or maybe she's a particularly militant advocate for an even more stringent adoption language etiquette. But that seems a lousy way to educate folks.

[lighthouseacademy]

Well, I think you can never tell. Genetics can be a funny thing. I have a friend whose biological kids look nothing like her & she's had people who thought her kids were adopted, even though it is not the case. Another friend I have who is adopted often got things like 'oh, you & your brother look so much alike', etc... even though they were both adopted & came from different sets of parents.

 

 

I am sure some people think my son was adopted. He has bleach blond hair (natural) and blue eyes and pale olive white skin. I have darker olive skin, almost black hair and almost black eyes. My daughters look like me with lighter skin and lighter hair though. First I get, oh your husband must be blond! When I answer no (my dh has pink white skin that does not tan, blue eyes, and dark hair that almost matches mine) there eyes get wide and they can not fathom where on earth this child came from. Then I tell them that I was blond as a child :lol:.

 

To the OP, I think I would have mentioned my love of Guatemala and asked if her daughter was born there. Most parents with adopted children I have run into, especially those from other countries, usually are happy to share about adoption and their experiences, so long as you don't discount that that child is THEIR child and it no longer matters WHERE.

[emzhengjiu]

This is a topic where I have strong feelings so please know I am trying to be gentle with my words. Why were you so positive she hadn't given birth to her daughter? Maybe her husband is from Guatemala. I would also have been very irritated at the assumption that my daughter was adopted or not "from here" from a stranger. For me the worse approach you could take is assume my daughters are adopted and start a conversation about it. I no longer feel I have to educate anybody on the subject of adoption with our family as the basis. If you want to talk with me about my daughters, start with complementing them and tell me something about yourself. Are you adopted? What is your interest in adoption? Some children are uncomfortable having their family situation / history discussed with strangers even such apparently innocuous questions about where they were born. When I'm asked where my children were born, I start by telling the person where I was born. That equalized the situation in my girls' eyes. I hope this makes sense. When you are a conspicuous family, differences can be unnecessarily magnified in the minds of the children by questions such as yours. I hope I would have answered in a gentle tone of voice but I also would have said from here and shut down the conversation. My desire is to be polite but I no longer will have conversations with strangers that focus on our adoption. It's been too hurtful to my daughters. I will, however, talk with almost anybody about adoption in general if you approach me privately.

[momofkhm]

So I content myself to do my best to follow adoption language etiquette, and if parents have preferences outside of those typical guidelines, well, the ball is in their court to let me know.

 

Thanks for the link. There are many people at our co-op that adopted and it's always nice to know how to discuss things beforehand.

 

Of course, one mom was making a funny with me. She had three biological kids and then adopted one. I have three kids. She made a point that every 4th child is born in China, where her fourth child was also born. Implying that I could adopt the next one from China. (I can't b/c dh has been on anti-depressants, but it was still cute.)

[HSMom2One]

I have an adopted child and she is the absolute delight of my life. By birth, she is my granddaughter, but I became her mother when she was 20 months old and I was in my forties. Dh and I didn't expect to have more children at our ages, so I genuinely refer to her as our "late in life surprise".

 

I have learned from this experience that the adoptive family goes through a tremendous mental and emotional adjustment that is all part of the bonding process. The parents suddenly adjust to having a child without pregnancy, the child suddenly adjust to having a new home and family, etc. It has to happen rather quickly, and once it is set in the minds and hearts of the family it becomes their precious hear-felt reality. To the outside world that is apart from that family, the adjustment might happen slowly or never at all. They live in a different reality. For example, "Look, there's the Jones family and those cute little African boys they adopted!" instead of "Look, here comes the Jones family!"

 

Well-meaning strangers can make comments unknowingly that cut to the heart of the adoptive family. For me, those comments are usually, "So are you her mom or her grandma?" What they don't realize is that comment makes our daughter feel odd and it sends me emotionally back to the fact that I did not give birth to a child that has become, in every other respect, my daughter. I have diapered, toilet trained, fed, homeschooled, nursed in sickness, disciplined, rocked to sleep, wiped away tears and loved her the same as my other children. I am her mother and she only knows me as that. She has next to no memories of being anyone else's child. So as well-meaning as the person is that is asking, it is not a good question for us.

 

I have to offer grace in those situations because I know the person doesn't realize that their comment is upsetting. In the past I would get all flustered and feel like I had to explain everything, but I've learned since then to just smile and say, "She's my daughter of course!" (I mean, really, in these days I know a lot of families that have late in life children. Some of my friends had a baby at the age of 45. I try to dress in an updated style, don't wear grandma shoes or hairstyles and I hang out with friends of all ages, not to mention that this child is standing here calling me "Mommy" for goodness sake!)

 

I guess I'm posting all this to point out the fact that some questions or comments are better taken if you know the family a little better. For instance, a chance meeting at a garage sale is a bit different than coffee between two friends that are getting to know each other. KWIM? Even if you are curious about something, hold off on the questions and let the family give you some cues first. Another thought is that this mom was hit with "that" question on a day that she was tired and working out her own new role as the mother of these children. There are so many issues involved with bringing children to a new country, training them in a new lifestyle, dealing with behavior issues, etc. She just may not have had the emotional strength to deal with a pointed question that day.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Dh and I didn't expect to have more children at our ages, so I genuinely refer to her as our "late in life surprise".

 

We had our youngest child when I was 42 and dh was 45, after a 7 1/2 year gap. We weren't planning on more children, either. We call her our "late in life delight"! :)

 

Not sure why I'm commenting here, except that I smiled when I saw that you have such a similar title for your little one. :)

 

So far, I haven't gotten the "is she your granddaughter?" question, but that's probably because I have two other kids in tow. When they're old enough to stop going with me everywhere, and I'm 50, and dd is 7, I expect to hear a lot of those types of comments. :)

[Twinmom]

I've adopted four kiddos, one cross-racially (Hispanic, born in CA). We do try to be protective of our children and avoid careless comments. Your comment, however, was not careless. She was openly selling Guatemalan dolls, her clearly Guatemalan DD was standing there, you obviously asked with a smile on your face, appreciating the moment and wishing to share stories about Guatemala, more than likely. IMO, she missed an opportunity to share nice information about her daughter's birth country with you.

 

If it had been me and should DD have been listening, my response would have been, "Well, she was born in Guatemala for sure, but she's American now!" with a conspiratorial wink sent your direction. When a kind, obviously interested person asks the question, I'd think that would have been the best response. We could have then talked "Guatemalan" with pride and kindness.

 

Either she is very sensitive to pain in her own heart related to the adoption, her DD is suffering for some reason or she had a REALLY bad day. If she doesn't want to talk about it, she shouldn't be selling Guatemalan dolls in front of DD.

 

Chalk it up to experience and let it go. :grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

As mom to an adoptive family I get very weary of being asked, "are they from here?" When my babies were little I didn't mind answering but a couple of my oder kids would rather I "didn't talk about them." (meaning about their adoption).

 

I didn't mind answering when they were little because it gave me a chance to practice the adoption language ettiquette so that I didn't sound ackward or anything when my kids were older.

 

And although adoption is more common and visible (esp. in our community) one would think that we would get less questions. Not so.

 

"You're such good people," is another comment I'd like to hear less of. I haven't put all the reasons into writing to be able to completely express why this rubs me so wrong. But I hate it.

 

We're a family. Please recognize us as such regardless of perceived genetics.

 

Interesting note: My SIL is African American and her 3 boys are blond hair blue eyed very fair. She gets comments all the time too. And people tend to think my kids are hers.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I don't want to blast you, and I agree with the adoptive parents who responded already. I just wanted to add a little note that Mom may have been short with you because her little girl was standing right there. At 2yo, she's old enough to start understanding things. If she was adopted, her mother may have been trying to protect her from the hurt of feeling "different", even "less", than others. You may have inadvertently triggered that mom's "Mama bear" response. I haven't adopted, but I know I wouldn't want strangers to point out my children's differences to them, whatever those differences may be.

 

FWIW, I made a similar faux pas with a new friend just about a year ago. My ds had been playing over at their house with her older son, and I was there picking ds up. I knew that they had two biological children, and that they had adopted their younger two children (a boy and a girl) from Russia. I was curious whether her adopted children were biological siblings. I said something like, "Are they brother and sister?" She smiled (rather grimly) and said, "All of our children are siblings." I realized immediately what I'd said, and I felt like a heel, but I didn't want to stick my foot in my mouth further, so I just mumbled "sorry", or something like that. Later, I e-mailed her and apologized for being so thoughtless. I knew better (mostly from discussions here) than to single out adopted children, but I asked that insensitive question right in front of them (they're older -- 3 and 5 at the time). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from, and I'm trying to learn to be sensitive to the feelings and sensitivities of adoptive families.

 

Blessings,

Suzanne

[plansrme]

I get that pretty regularly, in front of my Chinese daughter. My husband and I are the whitest people we know, so she's obviously not our biological child. The only time I've ever snapped at someone was a woman with whom I'd been talking about adoption who then asked, "Are your other children yours?" I snapped, "They're all mine" and walked away. There's no hiding, or need to hide, that my daughter is Chinese, but it was thoughtless of this woman to plant in my daughter's little head that she might be less "mine" than her siblings.

 

The garage sale lady was rude, and she should be feeling bad, not you.

 

Terri

[Haiku]

I am extremely proud of where my internationally adopted kids came from, and so are they. We talk at home a lot about how people are often very interested in learning about others and that genuine friendliness can sometimes feel awkward but that it's our responsibility to treat others with kindness. While I understand the idea of keeping a child's history private, I don't feel that the fact of a child's adoption or their location of birth needs to be secret. I don't like the idea of teaching my kids that any and all information about their adoption needs to be private. We are a mixed-race family so it's obvious that we didn't all come from the same place, so to speak. My son is very excited to tell people where he is from. My daughter views any question about herself (including "How old are you?" "What grade are you in?" and "Where do you go to school?") as invasive. I have told her that she is allowed to politely say, "I'd rather not discuss it, thanks," when people ask adoption-related questions, but I don't act like it's a horrible thing that someone asked. Even when people have asked in an awkward manner, it has never been with ill intent. It has always been out of friendliness. I don't feel that being rude in return fosters any type of positive climate. I feel that it would merely teach my kids that adoption is something that we as a family should be touchy about.

 

When people ask, "Where are your kids from?" I respond with, "They were adopted from [such and such]." When asked whether my kids are "really" siblings, I say, "They are siblings by adoption, yes." When people ask whether my bio child is my "real" child, I say, "All my kids are my real children. Are you asking whether she was adopted?" All these things are said with a big smile and compassion for the person's verbal faux pas.

 

There was once a time when even I was ignorant of "positive adoption language." I certainly wouldn't want to be harshly judged for my well-intentioned ignorance.

 

The adoption world has developed its own highly specialized jargon and it is unfair, in my opinion, to expect people who have no specific reason to know it to know it. It is unfair to expect that people "know better" than to ask friendly questions. We ask questions about babies all the time as a way to connect with the family. Usually, adoption-related questions are also a way to try to connect with a family.

 

OP, you did nothing wrong. In the future, perhaps you could say, "I visited Guatemala when I was 16 and loved it. I noticed the dolls you're selling. Was your daughter adopted from Guatemala?" Hopefully even the most curmudgeonly among us adoptive parents would see the question for what it is: a sincere and well-intended means of connection.

 

When I ask other families about adoption and my kids aren't with me, I do preface my question or comment with, "I am an adoptive mom," so that people know I'm "in the club."

 

Tara

[Mom2GirlsTX]

My youngest is adopted internationally, and she is very proud of her heritage.We are a family via adoption, but we are first a family. I suppose I am not really easily frustrated until I hear the words I hate "oh do you know who her REAL mother is " to which I respond, "of course I do, you are looking at her real mother." I know what they mean, but unless they can say it more nicely I'm not answering those types of questions.

 

Your comments would not have offended me, I truly don't understand why the woman was irritated by it, but maybe she had a bad day. Maybe we should just :lurk5: pass her some popcorn.

[kim in ks]

The only question I HATED as an adoption mom! is .............." Is this your grandchild?" Other than that, I love, love , love to talk about our adoption and our kiddos! I never get offended w/ questions of genuine interest! Your comment wouldn't have offended me. I've even had people ask; " Are they brother and sister?" now yes they are! but I KNOW what they mean, they mean are they biological siblings! So I just answer; " yes and Yes!" then they feel a little embarrassed and I laugh it off! Maybe it's different for parents who couldn't have any biological children.

I'm also pretty thick skinned!

kim

[Twinmom]

"You're such good people," is another comment I'd like to hear less of. I haven't put all the reasons into writing to be able to completely express why this rubs me so wrong. But I hate it.

 

:iagree: :iagree:

 

This really rubs me wrong, too. I didn't adopt kids because I'm such a fabulous person...I NEEDED them, probably more than they needed me. Plus, the comment assumes that my kids were so needy to begin with, something wrong with them or their lives that needed rescuing. Not at all sure that was true.

[kim in ks]

:iagree: :iagree:

 

This really rubs me wrong, too. I didn't adopt kids because I'm such a fabulous person...I NEEDED them, probably more than they needed me. Plus, the comment assumes that my kids were so needy to begin with, something wrong with them or their lives that needed rescuing. Not at all sure that was true.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Me To, Cause I'm definitely not a "wonderful" person, just ask my kids!

kim

[The Governess]

My dd2 was adopted internationally. People have asked me if she's adopted, where she was born, or if my husband is asian. :001_smile: From my experience they are asking because they have a connection to adoption or a mixed family themselves, or are interested in adoption. I always answer them politely and sometimes good discussions follow. I've never had anyone ask rudely or make a negative comment. So, I guess I wouldn't see your inquiry as rude. However, I know there are some people who are more sensitive to questions like these, based on bad experiences they have had being questioned in the past or maybe because they are more private than I am. I'm glad when people ask because I think adoption is such a wonderful experience and I am happy to share ours with anyone who may be considering it themselves.

 

Don't feel bad.... I'm still learning all of the "adoption language" etiquette myself, if that makes you feel any better. :001_smile:

[Bess]

I think that's just plain silly. We've adopted internationally and I always enjoy when people ask questions. People not wanting to talk about it or making people feel ill at ease for inquiring makes it seem like adoption is some bad secret. I say let conversations be open and welcomed because it might just lead other people to adopt or support adoption by other people, and that's only a good thing!

[PariSarah]

Seriously, that sounds like something I would say, because . . . I don't know, because I believe it!!

 

I don't know, I always think of people who do something harder than average as more courageous than me. And being involved in the adoption process strikes me as harder than average!! The paperwork, the stress, the legal worries, governments changing their policies or their fees ten minutes before you get on the plane, birth moms that change their minds, the questions, the comments from foot-n-mouth sufferers like me--and all that's on TOP of what I have to go through--diapers, hospital visits, teenaged angst, diapers, mouthy preteens, are-they-really-eating-again? and oh-g*d-not-another-poopy-diaper.

 

I guess I never mind when people make "wow!" comments in reference to my homeschooling. Because it is hard. It's work. I appreciate it when someone recognizes that what I'm doing is harder than average. No, I'm not a saint, but I appreciate the attagirl. It gets me through the sludge every now and again.

 

If I ever made a comment like that to an adoptive parent, it would be because I really respect that they took on parenting-and-then-some. It seems like something worth respecting. I hope people I've said that to--very ineloquently, to boot!--weren't too offended by what I said.

[Happy]

Seriously, that sounds like something I would say, because . . . I don't know, because I believe it!!

 

I don't know, I always think of people who do something harder than average as more courageous than me. And being involved in the adoption process strikes me as harder than average!! The paperwork, the stress, the legal worries, governments changing their policies or their fees ten minutes before you get on the plane, birth moms that change their minds, the questions, the comments from foot-n-mouth sufferers like me--and all that's on TOP of what I have to go through--diapers, hospital visits, teenaged angst, diapers, mouthy preteens, are-they-really-eating-again? and oh-g*d-not-another-poopy-diaper.

 

I guess I never mind when people make "wow!" comments in reference to my homeschooling. Because it is hard. It's work. I appreciate it when someone recognizes that what I'm doing is harder than average. No, I'm not a saint, but I appreciate the attagirl. It gets me through the sludge every now and again.

 

If I ever made a comment like that to an adoptive parent, it would be because I really respect that they took on parenting-and-then-some. It seems like something worth respecting. I hope people I've said that to--very ineloquently, to boot!--weren't too offended by what I said.

 

As an adoptive mom, thanks. It is hard and it is different. Satisfying. Rewarding. Fun. You bet.

 

What I can never manage to say to those who say wow! to us is that our sons healed my broken heart. No matter the struggle, that made it all worthwhile.

 

Since my white, blond, newborn sons were domestic adoptions, we probably didn't save them from an orphanage of a life of poverty. There was a waiting list as long as my driveway of lovely Christian families wanting to love a child. We managed to get two. So, not so much a wow! you saved someone situation for us.

 

Mighty special though.

 

And I'm going to add a sort of public thank you to the birth mothers of my sons for bringing them to life and letting us have the fun and stress of raising them. Tomorrow is my baby's birthday. I figure a lady somewhere is remembering.

[Momto5]

First, I don't think it was wrong for you to discuss Guatamala and adoption with the garage sale lady because of the circumstances (selling the dolls, etc) so this comment is not directed at you personally.

 

Do you other transracially adopting parents ever get sick of all the attention and just want to be a family?

 

We have five kids - some bio, some adopted, some with very light skin, some with very dark skin, and some in between. We know we look like a min-UN when we go out. Most of the time I'm OK with it - but sometimes I just want to go out to eat!!:001_smile:

 

The other thing that drives me nuts (while I'm here venting:smash:) is the "oh, just like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt" comment. I want to say "Honey, I was fostering kids when Angelina was still wearing a vile of her husband's blood around her neck." :lol: I never have but I want to really bad. :D

[sunshine]

"The adoption world has developed its own highly specialized jargon and it is unfair, in my opinion, to expect people who have no specific reason to know it to know it. It is unfair to expect that people "know better" than to ask friendly questions. We ask questions about babies all the time as a way to connect with the family. Usually, adoption-related questions are also a way to try to connect with a family."

 

This is so true!!:iagree:

[Haiku]

 

Do you other transracially adopting parents ever get sick of all the attention and just want to be a family?

 

 

 

I don't equate attention with not getting to be a family. I chose to adopt transracially knowing that it would cause people to ask questions. I love to talk about adoption and where my kids were born, so I have never found the questions to be a burden.

 

Tara

[Kimberly in IN]

This is a topic where I have strong feelings so please know I am trying to be gentle with my words. Why were you so positive she hadn't given birth to her daughter? Maybe her husband is from Guatemala. I would also have been very irritated at the assumption that my daughter was adopted or not "from here" from a stranger. For me the worse approach you could take is assume my daughters are adopted and start a conversation about it. I no longer feel I have to educate anybody on the subject of adoption with our family as the basis. If you want to talk with me about my daughters, start with complementing them and tell me something about yourself. Are you adopted? What is your interest in adoption? Some children are uncomfortable having their family situation / history discussed with strangers even such apparently innocuous questions about where they were born. When I'm asked where my children were born, I start by telling the person where I was born. That equalized the situation in my girls' eyes. I hope this makes sense. When you are a conspicuous family, differences can be unnecessarily magnified in the minds of the children by questions such as yours. I hope I would have answered in a gentle tone of voice but I also would have said from here and shut down the conversation. My desire is to be polite but I no longer will have conversations with strangers that focus on our adoption. It's been too hurtful to my daughters. I will, however, talk with almost anybody about adoption in general if you approach me privately.

 

:iagree: I guess I don't understand why it was any of your (or anybody else) business where her daughter was born. I understand your interest in her dolls b/c of your connection w/ the country but her daughter????

 

How much personal information of your children do you give out to total strangers???? :tongue_smilie:

[Twinmom]

Seriously, that sounds like something I would say, because . . . I don't know, because I believe it!!

 

I don't know, I always think of people who do something harder than average as more courageous than me. And being involved in the adoption process strikes me as harder than average!! The paperwork, the stress, the legal worries, governments changing their policies or their fees ten minutes before you get on the plane, birth moms that change their minds, the questions, the comments from foot-n-mouth sufferers like me--and all that's on TOP of what I have to go through--diapers, hospital visits, teenaged angst, diapers, mouthy preteens, are-they-really-eating-again? and oh-g*d-not-another-poopy-diaper.

 

I guess I never mind when people make "wow!" comments in reference to my homeschooling. Because it is hard. It's work. I appreciate it when someone recognizes that what I'm doing is harder than average. No, I'm not a saint, but I appreciate the attagirl. It gets me through the sludge every now and again.

 

If I ever made a comment like that to an adoptive parent, it would be because I really respect that they took on parenting-and-then-some. It seems like something worth respecting. I hope people I've said that to--very ineloquently, to boot!--weren't too offended by what I said.

 

Sarah, that's sweet, and I understand what you are saying. There is no way to take offense at that! :D

 

Probably some of the issue for me with the comment is that the truth is, I might not have chosen the harder road had it not been chosen for me, KWIM? There's no sainthood there. It's just life...infertility s*cks, I chose to make lemons out of lemonade, etc. If you want to send kudos for taking kids with special needs, I'll accept that...THAT I did choose! ;) But adoption? A simple knowledge that I was MEANT to be a mom was followed by a medical problem and was followed by a desire to adopt. For me, that was just following God's will for my family. Just obedience, as most Christians shoot for every day, nothing special there.

 

I do think that some of my reluctance to accept the statement is that when some people say it (a feeling not found in your comments! ;)), it's a judgement that we accepted children who were somehow "less" than perfect since they weren't our biological children. That they were somehow a consolation prize, make sense? So, a reluctance to hear the "sainthood" comment comes from a sense of protectiveness. Hey, shoot...if I'd have had bio children, they'd have come with a heredity towards bipolar disorder (my BIL has it BAD!), depression (my mom's side of the family) and a tendency to be short and round (I won't be that, I won't be that...as I run on the treadmill to fight against fate! :D). We're not so perfect ourselves, why would we think a bio child would be better than an adopted one, KWIM?

 

Apparently I had some thinking to do on the subject...thanks for listening to my ramblings! :D

[PariSarah]

If you want to send kudos for taking kids with special needs, I'll accept that...THAT I did choose! ;)

 

Thank you for answering me so kindly.

 

Yes, adoptive moms of special needs kids rank pretty high on the jaw-dropping scale for me!

[cin]

As a mom to 2 OBVIOUSLY adopted children, I will try my best to address the issues brought up here.

 

First and foremost, I wonder if this lady had been asked several hundred times already that day. How many people wander through a garage sale in one day? And the person that she spoke to just previous to you may not have asked a nice question.

 

I usually don't mind questions. There are days though, where I am stopped numerous times and I really just don't have time to go through this one more time. Yup, they are adopted. Isn't it obvious?

 

The only questions I do not want you to ask, is Are They Sisters? And, Do You Know Their Mom? Especially in front of them. You WILL get a stupid look and I will tell you....I'm the mom of both of them, so yeah, they are sisters. And....I'm their mom, So Yeah, I know her. I will do this for the sake of my children, not necessarily to be rude. I do not want them to even THINK of themselves as NOT sisters. And their mom...at 4 & 7, I AM the mommy. Don't put any doubt of that into their heads. I ahve to maintain control of them, so I have to be the mommy.

 

I do appreciate the comments about being the gramma. I just had that question last week with my 7 yr old. I thought...do I really look that old? I realize now that they are looking for a missing genetic link.

 

I am NOT a wonderful person. And I don't want to have to explain to a complete stranger about my fertility history. I did this because *I* (dh & I) wanted children and could not have them. I am NOT a saint, angel, or have a tremendous heart. I am selfish and spent a fortune to fulfill the desires of my heart.

 

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask 'how much did they cost?' They are not a piece of merchandise to be compared to merchandise from another store (or country).

 

And remember, this is a touchy area. Adoptive parents can (and do) make comments that YOU, as a complete stranger (in general, not YOU, OP) cannot make. A couple of weeks ago I told a friend that I would love a 3rd child, but it's not quite as cheap, easy or fun as it is for her ;).

 

I hope this answers some of your questions, and I hope I didn't come off as snarky or mean. This is something close to my heart, so I tend to let the passions overflow. (and I've got 2 little girls fighting down teh hall)

 

 

Wanted to add: I don't mind talking about it to people who are considerate. I may be paving the way for another child to find his/her 'Forever Family'

[Twinmom]

Thank you for answering me so kindly.

 

Yes, adoptive moms of special needs kids rank pretty high on the jaw-dropping scale for me!

 

You are just determined to give praise, aren't you!? ;)

 

Thanks, I appreciate it and will accept it kindly! :o

[Cathy in IL]

I have adopted three African-American children. I am blonde and have very fair complexion. We do get questions, but most of them are polite and coming from curious people. I have been asked where they are from because people tend to think they look Jamaican or Ethiopian. That is an easy question to answer. The questions I don't like hearing are ones that refer to their "real" parents or ones asking if they are "real" siblings. I tend to try to educate people and answer, "I am their real mother, but yes I have met their biological mothers."

 

Once, at the grocery store, my then 6 year old dd was holding her 1 year old brother. (No, they are not biologically siblings, but they are real siblings.) The cashier asked if he was her brother. she said, "Yes." The cashier pushed, "I mean your real brother." My dd said, "Well, he eats real food, he really cries, he doesn't seem pretend to me. So he is my real brother."

[Twinmom]

The cashier asked if he was her brother. she said, "Yes." The cashier pushed, "I mean your real brother." My dd said, "Well, he eats real food, he really cries, he doesn't seem pretend to me. So he is my real brother."

 

Now, THAT is beautiful. Really beautiful. Out of the mouths of babes! Thanks for sharing, and hug your DD for me, please!

[CalicoKat]

I don't equate attention with not getting to be a family. I chose to adopt transracially knowing that it would cause people to ask questions. I love to talk about adoption and where my kids were born, so I have never found the questions to be a burden.

 

Tara

True, we must not forget that adoption meets a personal need AND it's fueled by inspiration.

 

I have kept in touch with the family that inspired us to adopt--multiple times! I do have a bit of hero worship for them and what they did. I see the mult-generational impact that it's had as their kids are now adopting.

 

I know there is a family to who we were an inspiration. I feel like an Auntie to their two wee boys.

 

I must remember that every person who questions me or is interested in our family is potentially an adoptive family. Kind of an ambassador like role.

 

Thanks for the reminder.

 

Adoption isn't private like procreation. :)

[CalicoKat]

I have adopted three African-American children. I am blonde and have very fair complexion. We do get questions, but most of them are polite and coming from curious people. I have been asked where they are from because people tend to think they look Jamaican or Ethiopian. That is an easy question to answer. The questions I don't like hearing are ones that refer to their "real" parents or ones asking if they are "real" siblings. I tend to try to educate people and answer, "I am their real mother, but yes I have met their biological mothers."

 

Once, at the grocery store, my then 6 year old dd was holding her 1 year old brother. (No, they are not biologically siblings, but they are real siblings.) The cashier asked if he was her brother. she said, "Yes." The cashier pushed, "I mean your real brother." My dd said, "Well, he eats real food, he really cries, he doesn't seem pretend to me. So he is my real brother."

Yes, yes, that's for real!

 

your dd's response was perfect!

[Robin Hood]

As a having been on both sides of the issue person, one who didn't have adopted kids and now does, I have given offense and at one time would've take offense. But now I realize that those who have not adopted just do not know, and why should I expect them to understand the feelings involved with something they've never experienced? We've grown past that and my own darlings like to tell their own stories. Having had Kate since birth, she used to make me laugh because she didn't know that other kids were NOT adopted and would ask others how their adoption was instead of what happened when they were were born.

 

People are just curious. I don't blame the lady for being offended nor do I blame you for being curious. Some of the offense can come from our own frustration of not being able to birth our own children and yet wanting to be seen to be just like those that do. Motherhood gives us that and to make our motherhood different from those who birthed their is offensive. Asking the question makes us feel different and we are not. Nor are our children. The very hard fact for me to overcome is that adoption just makes the family dynamics a bit different. Once I did overcome that, offense was not an issue. Ask away.

 

I know some adoptive mothers who have also birthed their own so their perspective is even different than mine. Some of those are the most awesome because they forget they adopted and can't tell the difference.

[cin]

Some of the offense can come from our own frustration of not being able to birth our own children and yet wanting to be seen to be just like those that do.

 

I have seen OBVIOUS adoptive parents who will NOT acknowledge the fact that their children are adopted. DH & I will be out with our 2 Asian girls and if we seen another adoptive family, we smile at each other, and sometimes chat. But there are those families who, if we smile, they will GLARE back at us. Hmmmm Sorry! And I wonder why they cast such a negative light on adoption. I wonder what has caused them to be so bitter about it? But you probably hit the nail on the head. They are still dealing with the frustration of not being able to brith their own children and they feel that, somehow, they still do not have 'their own' children.

 

Interesting....

[Robin Hood]

I do appreciate the comments about being the gramma. I just had that question last week with my 7 yr old. I thought...do I really look that old? I realize now that they are looking for a missing genetic link.

 

 

I don't get too many questions asking if I am their grandma even though I am most definately old enough. Folks are pretty polite about that. What gives me a chuckle is in the Hispanic community, who traditionally have families earlier than the whites that I know, is overhearing in Spanish by those who don't know I understand it, that I must be the grandma. Since so many women take interest in babies and toddlers, the Hispanics noticed the age difference more than the differance in looks. I love understanding the different way that cultures act and think.

[Robin Hood]

Grace....we all need it and we all need to give it. We are different and deal with things differently. Allowing adoptive mothers to feel the way they do allows them to move on and grow too.

[Alice]

As a disclaimer, I have not adopted any kids, but we have seriously considered it and still are praying about it. I read this thread just out of interest.

 

I think I can see both sides. I could easily see myself asking the same question you did. Good friends of ours adopted two boys from Guatemala, they adopted two boys of the same age at the same time since Guatemala allowed the mom to go down and live there as the foster mom before the adoption was finalized. So she was able to stay there from about 6 wks to 9 months before coming back to the US. Since it was such a long time in the country, they chose to adopt two babies at once. Anyway, when they came over for the first time I asked "Are they brothers?" Now waht I meant was are they biological twins....and as soon as I said it I realized it was a stupid question. I know this family is going to get asked that question over and over again by stupid people like me who just weren't thinking, but also really didn't mean anything by it.

 

My husband is ethnically Chinese but born in America. He gets asked all the time "Where are you from?" which he could choose to get insulted by. Instead he usually says "Indiana" and waits for the person to figure it out. :) He was helping to teach an ESL class and everyone was supposed to bring in a show in tell item from their "culture/country". He was going to bring something Chinese but I told him to be more honest he should take a basketball, which he did.

 

Obviously, my dh is an adult and I can see that it's harder for kids to figure these things out. But I think that part of the reality of being adopted into a family of a different race/ethnicity is that these questions are going to come up. It seems to me that part of being a parent is teaching the kids how to answer with grace. We get asked a lot when I am out with the kids if their Dad is Asian. It's pretty obvious. It doesn't bother me when someone asks, although it really isn't any of their busines. I think if someone asked something like "are you their real mom?" or "are they yours?" I would be insulted, as that seems to come from a different attitude than just someone being friendly, although in a nosy kind of way.

[fenni]

I really appreciate this thread. My sister recently adopted her daughter from Africa. She has had people say some bizarre things to her and is learning as she goes. When she first announced that she had accepted a referral, she had people asking if her dd was HIV positive. HELLO?? Is that any of your business?

[Storm Bay]

I usually feel out the situation, due to families I know where the kids look like they came from 3 diffent ethnic groups, sometimes groups that aren't even the the family tree (it's amazing what looks mixed backgrounds can lead to). Having 2 adopted brothers, I bring up my family first, if I can work it into the situation, particularly since one came as a foster child first & looks quite different from the rest of our family. I never mention "real" mothers, but birth or biological mothers. And I never, never, never ask if kids beyond babyhood are within hearing range.

 

But to me, it's just fun & interesting, not better or worse. I love hearing about family backgrounds, etc, and am so sorry it's no longer PC to discuss this. I never think better or worse depending on race, ethnic background, etc, but I guess there are enough who do to cause discomfort.

[Storm Bay]

:iagree: I guess I don't understand why it was any of your (or anybody else) business where her daughter was born. I understand your interest in her dolls b/c of your connection w/ the country but her daughter????

 

How much personal information of your children do you give out to total strangers???? :tongue_smilie:

 

Maybe not, but I've always found where people are born, whether biological kids or adopted interesting--even if they were born in the next town over. When & where I grew up that was normal conversation that showed interest in people, which may have had a lot to do with the transient nature of the population. Even today, my sister's kids don't get assigned classrooms & teachers until after the first week of school because they don't know how many people will move in & out over the summer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I have 2 adopted siblings, who I naturally consider my real brothers, just as I do my birth siblings. Even my brother who came as a foster brother & whose birth brother was adopted in the same town is MY brother, kwim? But it was hard since they had the same surname for 4 years in that town and my sister was in the same class as my brother's birth brother. Try that one on for size!!!!! No secret there.

 

Just for a different POV.

[HSMom2One]

Maybe not, but I've always found where people are born, whether biological kids or adopted interesting--even if they were born in the next town over. When & where I grew up that was normal conversation that showed interest in people, which may have had a lot to do with the transient nature of the population. Even today, my sister's kids don't get assigned classrooms & teachers until after the first week of school because they don't know how many people will move in & out over the summer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I have 2 adopted siblings, who I naturally consider my real brothers, just as I do my birth siblings. Even my brother who came as a foster brother & whose birth brother was adopted in the same town is MY brother, kwim? But it was hard since they had the same surname for 4 years in that town and my sister was in the same class as my brother's birth brother. Try that one on for size!!!!! No secret there.

 

Just for a different POV.

 

I am a curious person by nature too, and I love human life stories. Even so, I don't think that its always okay to ask strangers personal questions. Just because I'd love to know something, doesn't mean its perfectly fine to bring it up. Like I said earlier, sometimes its wise to wait for some sort of a cue from the adoptive family. They may satisfy some of your curiosity without you having to ask.

 

Patience, respect, love and consideration for others, grace and forgiveness when its needed....that's what its all about no matter what the issue.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Storm Bay]

I am a curious person by nature too, and I love human life stories. Even so, I don't think that its always okay to ask strangers personal questions. Just because I'd love to know something, doesn't mean its perfectly fine to bring it up. Like I said earlier, sometimes its wise to wait for some sort of a cue from the adoptive family. They may satisfy some of your curiosity without you having to ask. Outside of cyberspace, there's rarely been a time I thought that where I was born was private. There are many things that are, but no one asks about those.

 

Patience, respect, love and consideration for others, grace and forgiveness when its needed....that's what its all about no matter what the issue.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

Absolutely true. So much depends on when, where & who you're talking with, plus how the conversation is going. But, logic-wise, sometimes when you don't know any names or where anyone lives, how's information like that going to hurt? This is why even though I find it interesting, I rarely actually ask questions like this as an adult.

 

Here's a reply to me from one of my adopted brothers, after he read the link for the social etiquette regarding adoption. It has more to do with when adopted kids are told they're adopted.

 

I thought you were going to ask a difficult question. I truly believe no matter how different a child look from the rest of their family it’s a good thing to let them know they are adopted as a “chosen child” which of course is how I feel being adopted. When I speak to friends and others regarding this they have ALL thought the words “chosen” are touching and amazing. I’ve spoken to many adoptee’s and the one’s who found out early in life seem to have a better relationship with their family, the one’s who have found out later either by accident or not haven’t had it that easy.