how do you save money without making your family feel "deprived"?

[jackson'smama]

any tips? i'm trying to save as much as possible, and for me it's pretty easy. for my children and dh, on the other hand, it feels confining and like they're "missing out" on something. i don't want to set up a false situation of them thinking we have it all when we don't, but i also don't want them feeling like i'm depriving them. what are ways i could sneak in some frugality in all areas of our life without it having the outward feelings of frugality? does that make sense? all tips welcome!

[SailorMom]

We do not pay for TV :) We have an antenna in our attic. It can be a hard adjustment, but we do have Netflix, and Amazon has quite a few free videos.

We do not have data phones or data plans.

We go cheap places for haircuts, buy clothes (usually) at an outlet store or buy no-name clothes, never do any salon or spa type things.

We rarely go to movies - only if one of us is dying to see it and it is a "special effects" movie.

We try very hard to combine all of our driving in to a minimum number of trips and carpool as much as we can.

We rarely go out to eat. We buy food that can be fun, though, for an occasional treat. And - if you buy good frozen pizzas you won't feel tempted to order out.

We use the library... a lot.

I clip coupons, but not obsessively.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think a lot has to do with personality and how people perceive things.

 

We go to FL every other year and it's an expensive trip. We save like crazy a few months leading up to the trip. It affects our free money and yes, we all feel deprived. I am able to focus on the trip and all the fun we will do. The boys in the house are in agony while we save up. Suddenly anything and everything they ever wanted is on sale and I have to say no lol. But I say no to them even when we aren't saving up money simply b/c they just like new things. I am a content person. When I finally want something it's usually years after I really needed it.

 

So what are you saving up for? If it's just savings then you don't really have any way to offset their disappointment over the lacking feeling. But if it's a trip or something special maybe have a picture to visualize the goal??

[jeninok]

We are saving by cutting out cable, but do have Netflix and Hulu, haven't missed it at all! We are also eating at home, we slacked on that last week and I realized just how much we are actually saving. I am also trying to do better coming up with ways for DS to earn some spending money. He is much more frugal when he spends his own money.

[jackson'smama]

Could you give a specific example of something where they have seemed or said they felt deprived? That's a pretty wide open question. And I don't know how frugal you are.

 

 

i'd like to be very frugal, but i don't know where i am on the frugal scale! they would most complain in the areas of food. then probably tv. and they aren't likely to prefer putting on extra layers to avoid jacking up the heat. does that help?

[Orthodox6]

Although I have seen exceptions, children seem, generally, to grow up and retain the values with which they were raised. If you and your husband are happy with what you have, and openly live the values (those related to intangibles) which you espouse, then your children very likely will be happy, and will not feel "deprived." I was in my thirties before it sank into me that my growing up years were managed successfully by my parents with very little money. (I was really surprised when I realized what some memories actually revealed about our economic situation.) My own children sometimes spontaneously say something that either explicitly, or implicitly, shows that they believe that they DO "have it all" with regard to that which genuinely matters.

 

"Frugality" seems to be generally accepted as a positive value. No problem in a family being aware of frugality. "Sneaking" in frugality sends a counterproductive message that frugality is "bad." (Of course you don't want to trumpet your savings such that it becomes bragging!)

 

"Stinginess" is what people reject as a negative value.

[jackson'smama]

Ok I'll start with the heating thing. How cold do you keep it?

 

 

we usually keep it set on 72 (oil furnace). that heats the main part of the house...the addition is woodstove. but the house is old (over 200 yrs) so the insulating properties are poor. we are moving to new construction, so it will all be heat pump with some gas logs in the family room.

[Jenny in Florida]

One thing I've found that can be "invisible" to other family members is to do more cooking from scratch and to use all of the other typical strategies to save on groceries.

 

As long as I put on the table a meal that my family members enjoy, they don't ask how much I spent on it. In fact, they are usually impressed when I do more from scratch.

 

Also, learning to make a few dishes that we otherwise used to order out or go out the eat is a big savings. It costs $50 or more to take the four of us to an Indian restaurant, but I can produce a feast that gives us left-overs for multiple lunches for about one third of that amount. If I try to always keep the basic ingredients around to make that meal, it's much less likely we'll be tempted to head to the restaurant.

 

We pack food for the days we're out on the road with activities. I try to make sure there are some lunch box-ready treats at hand to make this more attractive. A pack of Pringles (again bought on sale whenever possible) purchased from the grocery store and a handful of home-made cookies added to an otherwise healthy but uninteresting packed meal makes it a lot easier not to feel tempted to hit the drive through.

 

On the same principle, I find that being prepared to meet entertainment needs with inexpensive plans and options before someone says they are bored can head off the on-a-whim, let's-to-out spending that otherwise tends to happen. So, if I hit the library a day or two before the weekend and pick up DVDs of a couple of movies and make sure I include a reasonable amount of junk food in my regular grocery shopping (a few bags of chips, sodas bought on buy one-get one free sale, etc.), I can gently and casually direct everyone toward a movie and snacks night in our living room, rather than heading to the movie theatre or even renting a DVD and paying convenience store prices for snacks and sodas.

 

In general, I guess what I'm suggesting is that you take a look at the things on which you're spending money unnecessarily and try nudging everyone toward less expensive, but still attractive, options by planning ahead and providing ready alternatives, rather than cutting things out entirely and abruptly.

[Laura Corin]

i'd like to be very frugal, but i don't know where i am on the frugal scale! they would most complain in the areas of food. then probably tv. and they aren't likely to prefer putting on extra layers to avoid jacking up the heat. does that help?

 

 

I'm very mean, I think. I don't actually think it's the end of the world to have to adapt a bit. If my boys complain about the cold in the house (13 degrees C when the stove isn't lit - I light it at weekends) I just tell them to put on a sweater. If they say they would like steak, for example, I say that steak is a treat that we can appreciate all the more for having it seldom.

 

Husband doesn't complain - he's not bringing money into the house at the moment, so he's happy to help us trim our budget.

 

ETA: I went away from the computer and found I had a song running through my head: 'You can't always get what you want.....'

 

Best of luck

 

Laura

[jackson'smama]

Although I have seen exceptions, children seem, generally, to grow up and retain the values with which they were raised. If you and your husband are happy with what you have, and openly live the values (those related to intangibles) which you espouse, then your children very likely will be happy, and will not feel "deprived." I was in my thirties before it sank into me that my growing up years were managed successfully by my parents with very little money. (I was really surprised when I realized what some memories actually revealed about our economic situation.) My own children sometimes spontaneously say something that either explicitly, or implicitly, shows that they believe that they DO "have it all" with regard to that which genuinely matters.

 

that makes me so happy! but i feel that my children are gonna look back on "dad was the fun one, mom was the stick in the mud who always said no" :)

[Carol in Cal.]

You focus on what you have, and on what you are saving FOR instead of on what you are giving up.

[jackson'smama]

You focus on what you have, and on what you are saving FOR instead of on what you are giving up.

 

i can sooooo do that! the problem is right now the kids don't give hoot about the college fund or our retirement or paying off our mortgage early! fwiw, they are 8, 5, and 2.

[jackson'smama]

I'm very mean, I think. I don't actually think it's the end of the world to have to adapt a bit. If my boys complain about the cold in the house (13 degrees C when the stove isn't lit - I light it at weekends) I just tell them to put on a sweater. If they say they would like steak, for example, I say that steak is a treat that we can appreciate all the more for having it seldom.

 

Husband doesn't complain - he's not bringing money into the house at the moment, so he's happy to help us trim our budget.

 

Best of luck

 

Laura

 

i feel mean too! but it drives me nuts that dh spends at least 50 a month on junk food from a convenience store but won't really let me buy it 'in bulk' at the grocery store to save. i think it's almost as much of a happiness with the purchase as it is with the product.

[Orthodox6]

i can sooooo do that! the problem is right now the kids don't give hoot about the college fund or our retirement or paying off our mortgage early! fwiw, they are 8, 5, and 2.

 

At those ages, they don't even know what they supposedly are lacking! (unless TV rules the roost, perhaps)

[jackson'smama]

 

At those ages, they don't even know what they supposedly are lacking! (unless TV rules the roost, perhaps)

 

 

it's probably mostly dh. he will say things like "i don't want them looking back thinking....blahblahblah". nobody cares that we do cloth napkins for example, but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

[fairfarmhand]

i can sooooo do that! the problem is right now the kids don't give hoot about the college fund or our retirement or paying off our mortgage early! fwiw, they are 8, 5, and 2.

 

Whats great about having kids these ages is that you can guide them into contentment....They really will be pleased with very little especially if they see mom and dad content with very little. It's much harder when they have come to expect things to be a certain way for years and you have to cut back.

 

I agree with PP's about TV and media exposure. Also, finding friends who value frugality helps a lot. It's hard to feel content when all of your friends have cool gadgets and are taking expensive trips, etc.

 

Train your kids now in the art of consignment/yard sale shopping. Point out "Hey cool! That toy we found at the yard sale for 2 bucks is like 12 at the store! Now that's 10 dollars that we didn't have to spend."

 

Also giving your kids some pocket money helps them understand the reality of buying things gently used or saving for a larger purchase.

 

Putting on some socks or a sweatshirt is not going to kill them, Remember that it is not your job as a parent to make sure that they are never unhappy or seldom have a complaint. It is your job to provide for their needs and a few of their wants. Teach them NOW how to live within the budget and they will leave home well-prepared for the future.

 

As far as groceries, I slowly began cutting out snacks. I made sure that I always had a supply of home made cookies and I saved store bought items for special treats. As long as the food is tasty and filling, no one really complained about it.

[jackson'smama]

 

That would make me crazy too. There are ways to have junk for less money though. What is he buying? Is it stuff like sandwiches? Or chips?

 

 

typically pop, chips, candy bar type stuff. not lunch. he will pack that or come home for it.

[MissKNG]

When I think of "deprived", I think of all the materialistic things society deems as necessary to be fulfilled. Vacations, RVs, pools, hand held games, xbox, yada, yada.

 

IMHO, I think quality family time is how you can really feel like you are doing stuff and not be deprived. I would use all of the money saving tips and purchase a few things to enhance your family time together. Here are some things we do: state park membership - in the summer, we are always hiking, picnicing, going to the playgrounds. Once a month movie theater. We go out as a family once a month to the theater. Hiking and biking down the local nature trails. Window shopping at the mall. Kid's Museum membership, nice family outing (pack your own lunch). Family bike rides. Right now, in the winter we are ice skating at the college ice rink (very cheap).

 

Just some ideas of "doing" things together.

[tearose]

We only have Amazon Prime (mostly because we live in a rural area, and we figure that what it saves us in gas to go to the city makes it worth it), so we can watch some stuff using that, but we don't have cable or Netflix or anything else. I think that TV feeds the desire for "stuff", so we just don't have it, period. We have a basic cell phone plan that we split with my parents to save money. I like having long, straight hair, so I get a free haircut every few years by donating my hair; we do haircuts at home for DH and kids (boys). We rarely eat out, and we don't snack. However, I do splurge on some nicer ingredients--even buying higher-end cuts of meat, better cheeses, or premium ice cream is cheaper than eating out. We also plan special, at-home meals usually once a week and then for special occasions like birthdays; 4 courses with appetizer, salad, entree, dessert--and I plate everything nicely like in a restaurant.

I am lucky to live near Lands End headquarters, and they have a great warehouse sale once a year, so most of our clothes are bought there (often 75% off clearance). I have boys, though, so they are probably less picky about clothes. My kids also wear a ton of hand-me-downs.

We have a great library system, we check out a LOT of books, movies, and CDs. We make a special evening out of a movie and home-popped popcorn (so much cheaper and a lot tastier; you could also get soda if your family would consider it a treat). I pretty much only buy books at garage sales, thrift shops, and library sales. We don't buy really buy toys, either--only at thrift shops or garage sales if they are high-quality and well-priced. I also rotate my kids' toys, so it often seems like we have "new" toys.

We have a wood-burning furnace, and we can heat our house for the winter with wood from trees that have fallen over (we have propane as a back-up). It's just the cost of my DH's labor to cut it and haul it to the furnace (and fill the furnace twice a day). That's probably not so much an option if you live in a city or suburb, though.

One thing that I would spend money on is a museum membership. We were given one for Christmas, but I'd definitely get it again. Ours is for a museum in the ASTC (an association of science and technology museums). We recently took a day trip about two hours away and went to two museums--the total cost of just yesterday's outing was more than the cost of the membership. The membership rates do vary by museum, and there are restrictions on going to other museums within 90 miles of where you live, so you might need to do some research. Anyway, my kids considered it a huge treat, but the cost was not bad, considering that we have the membership for a year (we just paid for parking).

If you DH isn't on board, though, that makes it a lot harder. Maybe you need to get him to focus on the benefits of saving money. Some people need to see how a weekly splurge at the convenience store or drive-through really adds up over the course of a year or several years. Or allot a certain amount each month for this type of stuff--when it's spent, it's gone for the month (but again your DH will have to agree to abide by this). When my kids ask why we aren't going to eat out (when we're running errands), I just say "well, that's a sometimes thing, and today I already have xyz ready for lunch."

[fairfarmhand]

 

it's probably mostly dh. he will say things like "i don't want them looking back thinking....blahblahblah". nobody cares that we do cloth napkins for example, but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

 

So make a budget line for random eating out...Then it doesn't sneak up on you! Stick an envelope in the car with 50 in it and that will be your fast food envelope. Suddenly, the dollar menu looks pretty great. And do your kids really need another cheezy toy? I know mine don't.

 

And here is a verse for you...

 

"Proverbs 17:1...Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife."

[jackson'smama]

an example for food: yesterday, i worked 12 hours (gone 14). last night, dh said "there's not much food in the house". i myself could feed the family for at least a few days without them noticing anything really lacking. but it involves prep, cooking, etc. his complaint was that we ran out of milk so the kids couldn't eat cereal and that we didn't have syrup so they couldn't eat waffles. seriously?

so they had eggs, toast, veggie sausage.

 

then they asked for bananas later. we didn't have bananas so they had to pick from apples or oranges. that feels fine to me, but when he said what he said it made me feel like i'm not doing a good job of providing food in the manner that makes them happy. then i wonder if that should matter.

 

i'm a worrier

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, another thing is to have a budget for a trip to the city. So you can spend $8 each. Do you want to spend yours on a Happy Meal or use it to buy something you can keep?

 

This is what we did when DD started brick and mortar high school. We gave her a pretty good allowance, and we said that we would buy any food she wanted in the house, and feed her friends as well as her, and that that would not count toward her allowance. So she can make her own lunch and bring it in, or she can use her money for it. If she doesn't spend her money on lunch, she can keep it for whatever else she wants.

[Laura Corin]

an example for food: yesterday, i worked 12 hours (gone 14). last night, dh said "there's not much food in the house". i myself could feed the family for at least a few days without them noticing anything really lacking. but it involves prep, cooking, etc. his complaint was that we ran out of milk so the kids couldn't eat cereal and that we didn't have syrup so they couldn't eat waffles. seriously?

so they had eggs, toast, veggie sausage.

 

then they asked for bananas later. we didn't have bananas so they had to pick from apples or oranges. that feels fine to me, but when he said what he said it made me feel like i'm not doing a good job of providing food in the manner that makes them happy. then i wonder if that should matter.

 

i'm a worrier

 

There was good food in the house. 'You can't always get what you want....'

 

Laura

[tearose]

an example for food: yesterday, i worked 12 hours (gone 14). last night, dh said "there's not much food in the house". i myself could feed the family for at least a few days without them noticing anything really lacking. but it involves prep, cooking, etc. his complaint was that we ran out of milk so the kids couldn't eat cereal and that we didn't have syrup so they couldn't eat waffles. seriously?

so they had eggs, toast, veggie sausage.

 

then they asked for bananas later. we didn't have bananas so they had to pick from apples or oranges. that feels fine to me, but when he said what he said it made me feel like i'm not doing a good job of providing food in the manner that makes them happy. then i wonder if that should matter.

 

i'm a worrier

 

Personally, I think learning to be happy with what you've got and realizing that you can't always get what you want are better life lessons than getting whatever you want, whenever you want.

[TammyS]

we usually keep it set on 72 (oil furnace). that heats the main part of the house...the addition is woodstove. but the house is old (over 200 yrs) so the insulating properties are poor. we are moving to new construction, so it will all be heat pump with some gas logs in the family room.

 

There's a great place to save. Turn that sucker down to 68, at least, during the day, and 60 at night. Better get them used to it now, too, because electric heat is even more expensive than oil. Make sure they all have good sock or slippers, some sweaters or sweatshirts, and anything else needed to cover up chili spots. Keep a throw on the couch. I always say, I don't want to hear you are cold until you've got at least two layers on every part of your body.

[Trilliums]

 

i feel mean too! but it drives me nuts that dh spends at least 50 a month on junk food from a convenience store but won't really let me buy it 'in bulk' at the grocery store to save. i think it's almost as much of a happiness with the purchase as it is with the product.

 

Maybe it is part of a decompression from work? Does he tend to do this on the way home from work?

 

My DH likes to go to the store after work. It helps him unwind and I think it also gives him a certain pleasure to spend money. OK, typing that out makes it sound kind of like a weird activity for him somehow...but it really isn't. He likes to buy Greek olives and snacks for the kids (yoghurt and bananas).

 

Also, I recently learned that DH likes to see a full refrigerator. When the refrig is stuffed with food, it feels stressful to me. Here is all this food I have to be sure to cook before it goes bad. To DH it is a comfort and a sign that he is providing well for his family. We were married almost 20 years before this came up.

 

 

Do you have cable/satellite tv?

[jackson'smama]

 

. He might have the thought like, "I work hard, I deserve to have a soda at 7 Eleven when I want."

 

yeah, i think i heard that almost word for word a month or so ago.

 

i found nutter butters at sharp shopper (probably our equivalent to aldi?)...50 packs for $8. i'm willing to buy this crap. but seriously, i think it's the act of making the convenience store purchase that is satisfying. i'll talk myself out of a pack of gum. so i just can't get on board with it.

[Lady Florida.]

We do not pay for TV :) We have an antenna in our attic. It can be a hard adjustment, but we do have Netflix, and Amazon has quite a few free video. We gave up satellite. We did buy Roku boxes for all of our tv's, and we have Netflix and Amazon Prime free videos. We also get quite a few local channels from our antenna.

 

 

We rarely go to movies - only if one of us is dying to see it and it is a "special effects" movie. We do the same. We very carefully choose which movies we'd rather see on the big screen, and it turns out there are very few.

 

We try very hard to combine all of our driving in to a minimum number of trips and carpool as much as we can. This.

 

 

We rarely go out to eat. We buy food that can be fun, though, for an occasional treat. And - if you buy good frozen pizzas you won't feel tempted to order out. I've found that the less we eat out, the less we want to eat out. We're very used to homemade from scratch and it just tastes so much better. We do occasionally splurge on take out pizza.

 

We use the library... a lot. Library and free Kindle books.

 

We go to FL every other year and it's an expensive trip. We save like crazy a few months leading up to the trip. It affects our free money and yes, we all feel deprived. I am able to focus on the trip and all the fun we will do. The boys in the house are in agony while we save up. Suddenly anything and everything they ever wanted is on sale and I have to say no lol.

 

 

Yes. You mentioned that you're mostly saving for college and to pay off your mortgage. Are you in a position to add in a small treat? Something the whole family will enjoy? That might help the kids see that giving up the little things will get them the bigger thing.

 

 

it's probably mostly dh. he will say things like "i don't want them looking back thinking....blahblahblah". nobody cares that we do cloth napkins for example, but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

 

I don't think your dh really is on board, not if he does the above and spends $50 a month on junk at convenience stores. Your kids are getting mixed messages unfortunately. Until you and dh are on the same page in actions as well as words, you'll have a hard time meeting any financial goals or getting the kids to understand the importance of saving. I wish I had advice for you there, but I don't.

[TammyS]

i can sooooo do that! the problem is right now the kids don't give hoot about the college fund or our retirement or paying off our mortgage early! fwiw, they are 8, 5, and 2.

 

So what is it, exactly, that they are feeling deprived OF? These kids are awfully young to notice the lack of money spent on something.

[mommymilkies]

 

Personally, I think learning to be happy with what you've got and realizing that you can't always get what you want are better life lessons than getting whatever you want, whenever you want.

Exactly. I think it's important to show my kids how to manage money and be responsible stewards of it. I am the mean mom. My kids often share food at restaurants-it's cheaper for one adult meal sometimes (and there's always some leftover anyway!), etc. The kids know at this point that if we are frugal, we get to do more fun stuff like go to caves or museums, etc. I never buy gift shop stuff. They save birthday & holiday money from family for all of that. If we go to a movie, they buy their own popcorn if they don't want to share with me. I think they'll live through it. ;)

[chiguirre]

 

Also, I recently learned that DH likes to see a full refrigerator. When the refrig is stuffed with food, it feels stressful to me. Here is all this food I have to be sure to cook before it goes bad. To DH it is a comfort and a sign that he is providing well for his family. We were married almost 20 years before this came up.

 

 

Yes, this is our family dynamic too. I'm glad we're not alone.

[Trilliums]

On happy meals....take your kids to tour a land fill. Talk about trash and waste and cheap plastic toys. Make it a bigger picture than just saving a few bucks.

[jackson'smama]

 

Maybe it is part of a decompression from work? Does he tend to do this on the way home from work?

 

My DH likes to go to the store after work. It helps him unwind and I think it also gives him a certain pleasure to spend money. OK, typing that out makes it sound kind of like a weird activity for him somehow...but it really isn't. He likes to buy Greek olives and snacks for the kids (yoghurt and bananas).

 

Also, I recently learned that DH likes to see a full refrigerator. When the refrig is stuffed with food, it feels stressful to me. Here is all this food I have to be sure to cook before it goes bad. To DH it is a comfort and a sign that he is providing well for his family. We were married almost 20 years before this came up.

 

 

Do you have cable/satellite tv?

 

no, he gets in in the middle of the day at work. and he'll take the kids for donuts or milkshakes (geez, the money AND the health issues) when i work.

 

and i think he does like full fridge and cabinet (i'm probably like that too)...it's just that i'm just happy to see food. he's happy to see junk and convenience as in let me open the cabinet, open a wrapper and start eating. he doesn't want to really "prepare" a snack.

 

we have dish. as i said we are getting ready to move, so i'm looking to see where we can save in the areas of phone/internet/tv. we are supremely low tech and will be getting our first flat screen tv when we move. we don't have video game systems. we use a landline and dsl currently (we live in the country). i use a tracfone for cellular. we have a desktop computer. i have no clue how to do things like netflix and hulu. tips?

[trinchick]

Honestly, this sounds more like a husband problem than a kid problem.

 

With respect to your drive-through example, I'd suggest replacing the Happy Meals with another, less expensive, but equally rare treat. For instance, say it costs $20 for your family to go through the McD's drive through. However, kids like individual serving size bags of Fritos/Doritos/Oreos, whatever. Have those in advance from the grocery store specifically and only for use on these special occasions. At $1 a piece, these are still more than I'd include in our regular grocery budget, but I think it's a more reasonable treat and will tide them over until you can get home and make a meal.

[Orthodox6]

Train your kids now in the art of consignment/yard sale shopping. Point out "Hey cool! That toy we found at the yard sale for 2 bucks is like 12 at the store! Now that's 10 dollars that we didn't have to spend."

 

 

Our garage always has been "Flea Market Mecca". When any child (other than the eldest, who acquired things in the first place) wanted or needed something, our first stop always was the garage. DC#3 called this "shopping in the garage", and thought it the best fun available!

[jackson'smama]

 

So what is it, exactly, that they are feeling deprived OF? These kids are awfully young to notice the lack of money spent on something.

 

 

well, they would gladly go to walmart daily to buy a new lego set. i would love to see them content with the 60 thousand pieces they have. they're not begging to go, but i don't really feel that they truly appreciate and understand the magnitude of what they have. i grew up with my dad saying "for Christmas, i was lucky to get an orange, a piece of chocolate, and a nickel" i think he may have been repeating what was told to him as a child! but as much as it annoyed me as a kid, i find myself wanting to say it now. i just want content appreciative kids.

 

again, it's more of feeling like i'm depriving dh really than the kids.

[TammyS]

 

it's probably mostly dh. he will say things like "i don't want them looking back thinking....blahblahblah". nobody cares that we do cloth napkins for example, but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

 

 

But he's not really on board with your financial goals - he's on board with a financial WISH. It isn't even close to the same thing.

 

You need Dave Ramsey. Basically, you sit down and spend your monthly income on paper. "We have $1000 per month. X, to food. Y to shelter. Z to gas." etc. Once he sees what there really is and is NOT, then you can both make a plan about where you want to put what money. You should know where each and every dollar is going every month, before you actually get it.

 

But until you have a plan, that you both thoroughly understand and agree on, you only have a WISH not a goal.

 

I would also talk to him about how his attitude is very bad for the children. It teaches them an attitude of discontent instead of gratitude. It is also extremely distructive of the children's view of their mother. Believe me when I tell you, you do not want to have your children growing up with the idea of "dad is the fun one and mom is party pooper/scrooge". That stuff can get AWFUL. It's not good for you, your marriage, or your children. And it's not fair. To me, this would be a serious issue that I would address with dh before the sun went down.

[tearose]

well, they would gladly go to walmart daily to buy a new lego set. i would love to see them content with the 60 thousand pieces they have. they're not begging to go, but i don't really feel that they truly appreciate and understand the magnitude of what they have. i grew up with my dad saying "for Christmas, i was lucky to get an orange, a piece of chocolate, and a nickel" i think he may have been repeating what was told to him as a child! but as much as it annoyed me as a kid, i find myself wanting to say it now. i just want content appreciative kids.

 

again, it's more of feeling like i'm depriving dh really than the kids.

 

 

This is where I find that limiting the number of toys that are out really helps. My kids appreciate toys a lot more when they haven't seen them for a while.

 

But it sounds like the main problem is that you and DH are not on the same page about the values you want your children to have. I would ask him if he honestly wants to raise materialistic children and if he wants his children to need "stuff" to be happy.

[TammyS]

an example for food: yesterday, i worked 12 hours (gone 14). last night, dh said "there's not much food in the house". i myself could feed the family for at least a few days without them noticing anything really lacking. but it involves prep, cooking, etc. his complaint was that we ran out of milk so the kids couldn't eat cereal and that we didn't have syrup so they couldn't eat waffles. seriously?

so they had eggs, toast, veggie sausage.

 

then they asked for bananas later. we didn't have bananas so they had to pick from apples or oranges. that feels fine to me, but when he said what he said it made me feel like i'm not doing a good job of providing food in the manner that makes them happy. then i wonder if that should matter.

 

i'm a worrier

 

 

The apples and oranges are fine. Geez. A billion people around the world will be grateful if they get rice today, over the moon if they get it twice.

 

You're doing fine with providing.

 

I do think you might need to do a little bit better job teaching dh how to feed the kids when you aren't there. Figure out a simple few meals that he can prepare and make sure the ingredients are there. Leave recipes and ingredients lists on the fridge. He can deal. Or make those nights when there are leftovers (I hardly ever cook anything that won't last for at least two nights), and he can reheat.

 

BTW, I never keep syrup in the house. So there.

[Tap]

For me it depends on why you are saving, how much you are trying to save and what you are saving for.

 

I am not saying you are doing this but I will offer a different perspectivev than others here.

 

I am also interpreting the word save to mean your basic needs are met and you are putting money into a savings account or investing it.

 

Dh is a compulsive saver and nothing is ever good enough for him. There have been times in our marrige when it made me mad to find out that we werent as broke as he made me think we were. After going through this with him, I would suggest getting the family to help reach a certain gosl and then a loosening of the reins a bit.

 

Saving money can be a valuable necessay skill or it can be an obsession.....

 

For the kids setting up an fund for each to have some fun with can help them feel like they are part of the financial health of a family. Helping them make choices on how to spend/save is a life long skill that will benefit everyone. It can be an allowance or it can be just a fun fund that they have some input on.

 

For me, I have to have an account separate from dh. Otherwise he wil siphon any excess money into a long term savings account. I pay my bills 3 months at a time (i work outside the home any pay for private school, fun classes, daycare, presents etc out of mt account). Dh would think the money was extra and take it out of the account. Since I figued out that we had differe t ways of saving/paying bills, I now have my own accounts that he knows about but also knows to not touch. lol

[Lady Florida.]

So make a budget line for random eating out...Then it doesn't sneak up on you! Stick an envelope in the car with 50 in it and that will be your fast food envelope. Suddenly, the dollar menu looks pretty great. And do your kids really need another cheezy toy? I know mine don't.

 

 

 

This. Unless I'm reading your posts wrong, you're not trying to cut back in order to make ends meet, but are saving for the future. If this is the case, then I'm guessing you do have some room for discretionary spending. Can you and dh agree on an amount for that? If you earmark a certain amount for junk spending no one feels deprived.

 

Maybe it is part of a decompression from work? Does he tend to do this on the way home from work?

 

My DH likes to go to the store after work. It helps him unwind and I think it also gives him a certain pleasure to spend money. OK, typing that out makes it sound kind of like a weird activity for him somehow...but it really isn't. He likes to buy Greek olives and snacks for the kids (yoghurt and bananas).

 

 

 

 

It doesn't sound weird, unless both of our dh's are weird. :D Mine used to do the same thing. Sometimes he'd get a beer, sometimes Arizona Tea or Snapple. Sometimes he'd buy a snack. He would usually bring home gum or beef jerky or something else ds likes. I do think it was some sort of work decompression.

 

When our mortgage went up and we had to revise our budget, we left some play money in for each of us. Dh still gets his gas station store stops, I still get my Starbucks fix, and ds still gets his occasional soda or gum. However, when the budgeted amount is gone, it's gone until the next budget period. There's a way to balance overspending vs. feeling deprived. If you're in a financial position to do that, I'd recommend it.*

 

*I'm not a financial expert, nor do I play one on tv. ;)

[TammyS]

. He might have the thought like, "I work hard, I deserve to have a soda at 7 Eleven when I want."

 

 

My dh had that for a while. Finally, I had to just break it down for him, like this: No, you don't. You deserve what you can afford.

[Um_2_4]

I see 3 issues:

1. Get DH on board with a budget in writing and saving goals... put spending money for him in there and hand him an envelope weekly if you can. Same with eating out $, maybe give the kids an allowance. Lay it all out.

2. I buy in bulk protein bars and individual juices for DH for work and just send a weeks worth. Depends if he has storage. If DH wants to spend some of his $$ for that week on snacks or eating out at lunch, he knows what he has. If he finds it in the pantry he might be less tempted to pick it up when out.

3. Seems you work, so maybe having some homemade freezer meals or open and go type things ready for DH and the kids in the freezer, fridge? Muffins, pancakes, Use ziploc divided plastic storage to make ready to eat meals: lunchables made at home, etc.

[jackson'smama]

For me it depends on why you are saving, how much you are trying to save and what you are saving for.

 

I am not saying you are doing this but I will offer a different perspectivev than others here.

 

I am also interpreting the word save to mean your basic needs are met and you are putting money into a savings account or investing it.

 

Dh is a compulsive saver and nothing is ever good enough for him. There have been times in our marrige when it made me mad to find out that we werent as broke as he made me think we were. After going through this with him, I would suggest getting the family to help reach a certain gosl and then a loosening of the reins a bit.

 

Saving money can be a valuable necessay skill or it can be an obsession.....

 

For the kids setting up an fund for each to have some fun with can help them feel like they are part of the financial health of a family. Helping them make choices on how to spend/save is a life long skill that will benefit everyone. It can be an allowance or it can be just a fun fund that they have some input on.

 

For me, I have to have an account separate from dh. Otherwise he wil siphon any excess money into a long term savings account. I pay my bills 3 months at a time (i work outside the home any pay for private school, fun classes, daycare, presents etc out of mt account). Dh would think the money was extra and take it out of the account. Since I figued out that we had differe t ways of saving/paying bills, I now have my own accounts that he knows about but also knows to not touch. lol

 

yeah, i could probably lean this way. i mean i feel like nobody's deprived. but i see really no value in eating food from a gas station so it drives me a little batty that dh does.

 

we are not fighting to make ends meet, but we have three kids and i only work 1-2 days per week b/c we want me to be home and to homeschool. we are getting ready to increase our home cost significantly (rent going to mortgage). i can't just spend willy nilly but i probably scrimp more than i *have* to at times. we do well with money management. i'm just the type of person who always thinks we could do better and dh kinda wishes i'd shut up about it!

[Arcadia]

we usually keep it set on 72 (oil furnace). that heats the main part of the house...the addition is woodstove. but the house is old (over 200 yrs) so the insulating properties are poor. we are moving to new construction, so it will all be heat pump with some gas logs in the family room.

 

My home was built in 2005. We have never switch on the heater or the gas furnace. It saves a chunk in untilities bill. Kids learned to layer if they are cold. The lowest temperature was low 50s indoors.

 

 

that makes me so happy! but i feel that my children are gonna look back on "dad was the fun one, mom was the stick in the mud who always said no" :)

but if we go "the city" for anything, they feel deprived if we don't get happy meals. or dh really wants dunkin donuts coffee. i get a kick out of my oldest saying to me, "and don't say 'you'll survive'" which is what i say when they act like it's impossible to NOT go thru the drivethru.

dh is totally on board with our financial goals but he doesn't see how randomly eating out could affect that.

 

Work out a monthly amount with your hubby on how much to spend eating out and how much to splurge on kids. For example we splurge on a day ticket to a water park, but kids eat off the dollar menu and drink water at McDonalds. For your 8 year old, give him some fun money to spend and teach him budgeting skills.

 

Why don't you let the 8 and 5 year olds take an inventory of their toys. While my boys never complained, taking an inventory of their toys make them realised how many toys they actually have.

[freesia]

I don't think feeling "deprived" of luxuries is a bad thing. Being deprived of love, food, adequate heat, clothing, other basic necessities, is bad. The rest is not deprivation in a true sense and, I would argue, it is actually GOOD for your children. I don't want my children thinking they should have every little thing they want whether they can afford it or not. That is a recipe for debt.

 

We save for retirement, what we can for college, but we don't do Happy Meals. We set our heat at 68. When the kids say, "Why can't we buy xyz?", we point out that a choice for xyz means no money for qrs. I was raised like that with parents who showed contentment for what they had and I don't feel I was deprived. My dh was raised with far, far less but with contentment and he doesn't he was deprived. On the contrary, both of us feel extremely blessed for this background. Money is easy for us to manage. We both really think through purchases before we make them. We each have our "own money" for things like Dunkin Donut coffee but we stay within our budget easily. We do buy treats occasionally but never at the sacrifice of our goals and never bc we don't want our kids to "should have luxuries." So, imo, "depriving them" of luxuries is a gift.

[Kalmia]

Amy Dacyczyn devotes several essays in her book The Complete Tightwad Gazette to just this topic. I highly recommend her wisdom. The book should be available from your library.

 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Tightwad-Gazette-Dacyczyn/dp/0375752250/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361552429&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Complete+Tightwad+gazette

[Trilliums]

 

 

we are not fighting to make ends meet, but we have three kids and i only work 1-2 days per week b/c we want me to be home and to homeschool. we are getting ready to increase our home cost significantly (rent going to mortgage). i can't just spend willy nilly but i probably scrimp more than i *have* to at times. we do well with money management. i'm just the type of person who always thinks we could do better and dh kinda wishes i'd shut up about it!

 

 

This makes me think of this thread:

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/450960-are-you-a-satisficer-or-a-maximizer/

[jackson'smama]

well, OVERALL dh is a saver. the only issue is the little daily things. he's even improved with that. it used to be nothing for me to go to work to come home and find they'd ate out for lunch and bought a new toy. drove me nuts. the toys have stopped but the eating out hasn't. it's slowed, but hasn't stopped. he doesn't feel like it needs to.

 

so part of me wants to "allow" (for lack of a better word) this little thing to continue and find ways that i can secretly save to accomodate it. so i'm thinking things along the lines of make your own detergent kind of tips. but then part of me gets annoyed that i'm always looking for ways to trim the grocery budget while he spends 5-10 bucks at the gas station several days a week.

[jackson'smama]

 

 

This makes me think of this thread:

 

http://forums.welltr...or-a-maximizer/

 

 

i'ma total maximizer. i will worry and question the heck out of EVERYTHING.