For those with large families/health issues/other circumstances...

[I.Dup.]

that prevent you from doing as much as you'd like for each child. How do you deal with the guilt of this? I don't want to make this only about having a large family, although I know there are many of you out there with large families so I am interested in your perspective on this. I know some moms have health issues, mental illnesses, whatever, that keeps them from being the ideal mom that they have in their head.

 

For us, it is having a large family. This has meant many pregnancies, many sleepless nights, many years of nursing, etc, for me. As we have had more children I have had more health issues and I get more tired each time. Our children are getting older and especially my oldest is very demanding (always has been) and wants to be entertained, chauffeured around, etc. I am realizing that I have little energy (or even desire) to do many things. I really don't even like leaving the house. Thankfully we are a 2 parent household. :p

 

I am thinking of things like handling extracurriculars, outside activities, anything that requires a lot of running around, keeping your children busy enough and entertained, etc. I am feeling the weight of especially those things right now.

 

If something prevents you from doing everything you'd like with your kids, how do you deal with this? FWIW, I would like this to be more of a JAWM...I'm already feeling discouraged and hearing about how a bunch of you manage to be supermoms regardless of any circumstances would just be too much right now.

[Spryte]

Sending hugs! I don't have a large family - only 3. But I have health issues. It's hard. It ebbs and flows, and we are grateful for the good days. I think illness can give us a deep sense os gratitude for daily, normal life. On the bad days, I try to remember that my kiddos are learning patience, compassion... We manage, but sometimes we have to stay flexible.

 

Be gentle with yourself. I can't find the hug icon on my phone, so just sending warm thoughts...

[Spryte]

Sorry, just realized I didn't address your question at all... Fortunately, DH participates in the extracurriculars here. So I rely on him when having a rough day.

[merry gardens]

I console myself sometimes that the children are learning life skills by growing up in a large family that others may not get. They know more about child development than most. We eat dinner as a family and they contribute to meal preparation and clean up. My oldest (now 22) cooks better than everyone else his age that he knows. My child in college knew more about laundry than the others in his dorm. Those type of skills go a long way towards living happy, productive lives.

[misty.warden]

Those thoughts shy me away from starting the large family I want, but I agree with this:

 

I console myself sometimes that the children are learning life skills by growing up in a large family that others may not get. They know more about child development than most. We eat dinner as a family and they contribute to meal preparation and clean up. My oldest (now 22) cooks better than everyone else his age that he knows. My child in college knew more about laundry than the others in his dorm. Those type of skills go a long way towards living happy, productive lives.

 

You're not there to entertain your children or be their chauffeur, learning about life and how to be a mature adult will make them better able to handle any disappointment they may harbor about missing an activity because you had to do first things first.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all. This is encouraging.

 

Not an answer to your question, but something to encourage you. I'm one of six. I grew up with a brother who had many health issues, little extra income and a mother who did not drive. Because of that, we did not get to do many of the things that others consider normal growing up experiences. I'm not a very good person at all and have a natural pre-disposition towards being incredibly selfish, but if it weren't for the fact that my childhood was "deprived" by modern day standards I'd be far worse than I am otherwise. My parents suffered with guilt and wished they could have provided us with better and I don't understand that sentiment at all, I'm incredibly grateful for my childhood. In fact I rather wish my parents hadn't tried to compensate for the "lean" years by spoiling us when things got a whole lot better.

 

In the end, though I wish my little brother didn't have to suffer, I'm glad that I learned sympathy and sacrifice at such an early age because of what he went through and the unavoidable limits of our circumstances.

 

I'm not making a generalization about families with only one or two kids because I know many families where the children grew up into excellent, caring and competent adults. But, I know far more adults who have serious issues in the character department who were only children or one of two and where the parents were able to provide them with everything and where the mother did everything for them as compared to those who came from families with several siblings.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Oh wow, thank you for sharing. What would your parents do if you complained or requested more things to do and they just couldn't do it?

[idnib]

My parents grew up in "third world" conditions. They each came from large families and after certain political changes, had nothing. No shoes, holes in their clothes, sometimes empty bellies. My grandmother was completely illiterate and couldn't teach my dad anything or help him with any homework. Forget activities, they were doing schoolwork by streetlight because they had no electricity. Now they both have advanced degrees, live in the US, own their home, and travel a lot every year.

 

They are amazing people and are so resilient and strong, as are their siblings. I wouldn't wish what they went through on anyone, but I do look to them as guides of how people can pass through lack and come out stronger.

 

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

You let it go. You forget it and you realize that in every way, every family sacrifices in some way that they wish they didn't have to. There are a million different storylines to that--the sibling that is gifted, the sibling that is sick, the parent that is sick, the parent that works all dayeverday, the child that has disabilities, the parent that has mental health problems...

 

It's humanity. That's family. None are perfect. You figure out YOUR priorities as a family, what you can do, and you do it. Because though you look and think what they are denied, another will look at yours and be jealous of what you have.

 

:grouphug:

[Dandelion]

For us, the limiter is not a large family (it's DH and I, and two kids), but rather DS's challenges. DS has Asperger's, and although he's made great progress in recent years, he is unable to participate in a lot of activities that I'd love for him and/or our family to participate in. He doesn't do well in groups, large crowds, etc. so we often miss out on things or one parent will take DD while the other stays home with DS. I started up a homeschool support group when he was 5 and it grew to over 200 families and is thriving - but we no longer participate, because DS does best 1:1 with other kids vs. getting together in groups. We've also scrapped or modified vacation plans due to the realization that it wouldn't work for DS. There's a lot more, but you get the gist.

 

So...the reality of our family life and my role as a mom is very different from my pre-kids "vision" of what it would be like. The limitations have affected all of us - and I often feel that DD is really the one who is missing out the most. Being the little sister of an Aspie is not easy. DH and I do work on keeping DD's childhood and activities as "normal" as possible, and we make an effort to give her opportunities to be involved in activities, extra-curriculars, etc.

 

I console myself by just continually reminding myself that:

- I'm doing the best I can

- extracurricular activities and the like are a fairly recent invention - kids throughout history didn't have all that, and somehow they turned out just fine

- my most important contribution to my kids' lives is providing them with lots of love, character and skills development, and guiding them towards a productive, happy adulthood

- the "ideal" family situation doesn't really exist - every family has challenges

- we're making progress, even when it sometimes doesn't feel that way

 

:grouphug:

[hsmom2011]

n/m

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all so much for sharing!

[Sameera]

My child in college knew more about laundry than the others in his dorm. Those type of skills go a long way towards living happy, productive lives.

 

Very true! :)

 

Our washing machine broke today. At first I felt overwhelmed with all the work I had to do. The new one I ordered will take between 2-4 weeks to arrive, which means, a lot of washing until it is delivered. I could have ordered another brand which would have been delivered tomorrow, but I thought I'll wait until this one arrives and in the mean time, the kids can learn how to wash their own clothes and it will help them to also learn to keep their clothes clean. In fact, now I think it's so satisfying to wash your own clothes, because it's economical, taking half the time a washing machine does, while learning a life skill. I'm now, really reconsidering whether I do need a washing machine?

 

"People say they either see the glass as half empty or half full. The enlightened are simply happy to have a glass."

[2squared]

It's so easy to see the negatives, the downfalls of having a large family. Gosh, some days I wish my kids could pick where they sit at the dinner table or in the van. I wish we could go as a family to activities instead of splitting up into littles and bigs. I wish my kids could have their own rooms and on and on and on.

 

But then the days come when you see how blessed the kids are to have each other and to live in a bigger family. I grew up with one sibling, and I see the life lessons my kids are learning naturally that I did not learn until I was in my 30s. In fact, many of my life lessons weren't learned until I had four kids!

 

I think every parent has guilt no matter your life experiences. You always want to give your kids more and better. I know my SIL is always looking for better and different for her three kids, and her kids have far more than my kids will ever have.

[Reya]

I have substantial health issues and work part time. I made the decision long ago to make whatever kids I could have as responsible for their own education as possible so I would still have opportunities to hug.

 

For me, the big thing is to not let housework overwhelm me on bad days, or else I'll sink into chaos. If I can just scrape by on bad days, the good days are actually GOOD.

 

And at some point, you have to decide what you can handle. My children are extraordinarily high maintenance as babies, to the point where a close friend of mine is finding the infancy of her first kiddo a walk in the park simply because her expectation of "normal" was set by my very, very, veryveryvery exhausting infant/toddlers. I have fertility issues, but I had to take a hard look at my life and decide that even after DD was a year old, we couldn't "try" for the next one because I couldn't physically handle it if I did get pregnant. As it was, it took 2 years of active "trying" to get this current pregnancy, which may be my last for that reason. But if I can't juggle a high-pain pregnancy and a very needy infant with a toddler, then I can't.

 

I do want a large family. I am envious of those who have 6 or more kids. But my body couldn't handle it.

 

God didn't make me have a genetic disorder to punish me. And He wouldn't demand that I compromise my own health and the wellbeing of my children so that I could have one or two more, and wanting them isn't the same as being able to manage with them.

[Aelwydd]

 

 

I'm not making a generalization about families with only one or two kids because I know many families where the children grew up into excellent, caring and competent adults. But, I know far more adults who have serious issues in the character department who were only children or one of two and where the parents were able to provide them with everything and where the mother did everything for them as compared to those who came from families with several siblings.

 

 

 

 

ltmrs, you say you're not making a negative generalization about families with only one or two kids, but nevertheless go on to implicate on the basis of your own subjective, anedoctal experience.

 

In my own life experience, most people I knew grew up as one of at least three siblings, sometimes more. My father is one of five siblings, I was one of three. Most of my friends and school mates came from families of 3 to 5 kids.

 

Only children were the exception, not the rule. There were some families with only two, but again, a minority. This was a few decades ago.

 

Going by your logic, a large contingent in our society, having been produced in families including more than one or two kids, should be selfless, with only a minority of people acting greedy. I know plenty of people who have issues with personal responsibility, selfishness, and even more serious mood disorders--and none of them come from small families.

 

So here's my thought: greed and selfishness have less to do with family size, and more to do with the attitude and mentality of the parents who raise the children. Because the majority of American adults most certainly weren't raised in single kid homes, and I just don't see us as a shining example of selflessness on most days.

 

I try not to take offense at comments like this, especially since I've affirmed the positives of large families several times on this board. But just because you put the requisite disclaimer before or after the offensive comment, does not make your prejudice any more palatable. So I'm asking that you and others please desist with the negative comments about small families. I'm quite able to point out positives to both types of families without resorting to making negative generalizations, so I don't think it's too much to ask others do the same. There are several parents of small families on this board that just freakin' sick and tired of reading these types of comments.

 

Ok, we get it. We're raising spoiled, greedy, immature people with poor life skills. Is there something I forgot? Oh, yes. Also, our families don't enjoy the special spiritual dispensation that apparently large families are entitled to. Nevermind that Isaac, Samuel the Prophet, John the Baptist, not to mention Jesus, Himself, were all either only children, or raised with only one other sibling.

 

We are selfish parents, raising selfish kids. Now that I've got that out of the way, may we continue with the intent of this thread?

 

To the OP:

 

I'll tell you what I told blessedwinter recently: big families have their own challenges, and yes, you make some sacrifices in time and resources. But, you also give your kids the gift of each other, and of knowing your love for them. I think that would outweigh most anything you might place opposite in the balance.

 

I only have one, but even I have trouble with health and energy issues. Also, having more kids means that your kids can often help YOU when you're tired or down. We all get old, but it's nice that you have so many hands and arms to wrap around you along the journey, like your own little gift of humanity. :)

 

 

 

Signed,

 

Mother of one son, who is very gentle and generous soul.

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. I know plenty of moms with less kids than me who claim they don't have the energy they used to either. We all are getting older. :)

 

As long as you are providing them what they need and they are loved, then there's not a problem.

 

I compensate by not being too busy with the younger ones. IMO they are best served by being home centered when little anyways. And that leaves my energy and time to meet teen needs.

 

And it's important to find comfort in what type of family dynamic works for you. Some people seem to secretly thrive on constantly being on the go. My family is not one of them and I'm okay with it.

[happypamama]

Honestly, I think there are up sides and down sides (and some things can be both, depending on the day) to every family situation/size/lifestyle. I've just accepted that my children will have some benefits and some challenges that they might not have in a different family, but there are other benefits and challenges that they won't have at all. I've just had to let go of any guilt about what I might not be able to provide for my children and just focused on the blessings we do have. Sure, I could afford more outside activities if I'd stopped at two children -- but could we imagine life without our two little guys, and would we trade them for anything in the world? Nope; they bring us incomparable joy. My children may get less of my individual time, but they are playmates and buddies for each other in ways that I can't be. (And actually, having a few older children means that four kids has been easier than two or three, because they have each other, and because they can do stuff like help get the little guys ready to go, etc., which frees up my time and energy, which means I have more time and energy to spend doing fun stuff with them.) You have the family that is right for you, and just appreciate it, the good and the bad.

[I.Dup.]

Please, please don't let this turn into a small vs. big family thing. That's not at all what I intended. I just brought up family size because I know and admit that leads to many restrictions and drain (emotional, financial, physical) that smaller families may or may not have. But like PP have said, having a disabled child, an illness, anything like that can have a seemingly negative effect- how do we deal with that?

 

Thank you all for sharing. This has been encouraging to hear how we all deal with this in our own way. I am definitely a perfectionist and I only make myself miserable with it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I have let guilt go. We have the situation we have. Compared to most in the world not getting to take dance lessons is a pretty small deal, KWIM? I am confident when I see my kids developing relationships with each other that the positives of learning to deal with difficult personalities now, learning they are not the center of the universe and knowing they always have someone at their back will out weigh the fact I didn't always rush to them to help with minor issues. If I'm wrong they'll have to work that out for themselves.

[Mango]

Get to know the other families who do your same extra curriculuars. Start a carpool!

 

Christmas there was a party for the upper grades about 30 minutes from my house. DD wanted to go to it but I couldn't justify the drive (time & gas) for just one kid AND it was over way past my littles bedtimes. I pushed out a note to our group offering the other 5 seats in my van and asked that another parent pick up the return trip. WOW! I had every seat full and the other mom begged for the end of the night pick up! We met up at the library with all the other parents and it went smoothly. The kids enjoyed the extra social time too.

 

Get creative.

 

Mostly though I don't schedule activities I can bundle it together so the trip out benefits 2 or more in the family. Right now we do all sports through the Y so I get to exercise too!

[Impish]

Well, I have a large family *and* a chronic pain disability. So, it wouldn't matter how many kids I have, my RSD is going to impact them, b/c of my inability to do x,y,z.

 

I do the best I can, any given day. That's all I can do. I'm still haunted by what I haven't accomplished, what I coulda/shoulda/woulda...but I'm learning to try and let that go. It just robs me of more energy.

[G5052]

In our case I work full time because of family financial issues (back to work tonight after a break, sniff...), and there is no way that I can do it all. DH is disabled, and I have some orthopedic issues myself. Mine didn't do any sports or fine arts until late grade school because of financial and time issues, and we're comparatively low key on that (piano and low-cost martial arts). We didn't take any vacations for a long time. We've never done team sports, drama, choir, dance, etc. because of the financial and commuting issues. I try to do two fine arts field trips a year, and a few local historical ones. Mine probably will commute to college.

 

For awhile we were involved in a local group where the majority had the funds and time for a full platter, and frankly it was a relief when we moved on. I got tired just hearing about their schedules, and there was subtle pressure that I didn't like.

 

I figure that I'm only responsible for doing what I can to the best of my ability, and no more. My parents both grew up in poverty and grew up to be respected professionals. The people that I admire most in life generally didn't have a lot in their childhoods. They'll be fine. Really.

[fairfarmhand]

that prevent you from doing as much as you'd like for each child. How do you deal with the guilt of this? I don't want to make this only about having a large family, although I know there are many of you out there with large families so I am interested in your perspective on this. I know some moms have health issues, mental illnesses, whatever, that keeps them from being the ideal mom that they have in their head.

 

For us, it is having a large family. This has meant many pregnancies, many sleepless nights, many years of nursing, etc, for me. As we have had more children I have had more health issues and I get more tired each time. Our children are getting older and especially my oldest is very demanding (always has been) and wants to be entertained, chauffeured around, etc. I am realizing that I have little energy (or even desire) to do many things. I really don't even like leaving the house. Thankfully we are a 2 parent household. :p

 

I am thinking of things like handling extracurriculars, outside activities, anything that requires a lot of running around, keeping your children busy enough and entertained, etc. I am feeling the weight of especially those things right now.

 

If something prevents you from doing everything you'd like with your kids, how do you deal with this? FWIW, I would like this to be more of a JAWM...I'm already feeling discouraged and hearing about how a bunch of you manage to be supermoms regardless of any circumstances would just be too much right now.

 

 

my oldest is the same way. I am not sure about the answer. I only have 4 kids, but I run low on energy often. We make up rules about how often I am willing to go out. I literally CANNOT be out of the house every day.

 

Finding friends who are willing to help with carpooling etc. is invaluable.

 

I've also limited activites for my kids that I have to be present for. IOW, I don't do activities often where I have to sit there and wait, help or observe. I wait till the kids are old enough to be dropped off at practice before I sign them up for pretty much anything.

 

I remind my oldest that although I love her dearly and she's very important, she's not the only person in the family. I also remind her that gas is not cheap and we live 20 minutes from lots of things. Money is tight and we don't have alot for me to pay for EVERY kid to have 2-3 activities.

 

I totally understand. It can be VERY hard to balance everything with a wide range of ages. My dd often says things like, " I Can NOT wait until I can drive myself places." and I say, "I can't wait too!!!!"

 

How old are your kids?

[fairfarmhand]

I have substantial health issues and work part time. I made the decision long ago to make whatever kids I could have as responsible for their own education as possible so I would still have opportunities to hug.

 

For me, the big thing is to not let housework overwhelm me on bad days, or else I'll sink into chaos. If I can just scrape by on bad days, the good days are actually GOOD.

 

And at some point, you have to decide what you can handle. My children are extraordinarily high maintenance as babies, to the point where a close friend of mine is finding the infancy of her first kiddo a walk in the park simply because her expectation of "normal" was set by my very, very, veryveryvery exhausting infant/toddlers. I have fertility issues, but I had to take a hard look at my life and decide that even after DD was a year old, we couldn't "try" for the next one because I couldn't physically handle it if I did get pregnant. As it was, it took 2 years of active "trying" to get this current pregnancy, which may be my last for that reason. But if I can't juggle a high-pain pregnancy and a very needy infant with a toddler, then I can't.

 

I do want a large family. I am envious of those who have 6 or more kids. But my body couldn't handle it.

 

God didn't make me have a genetic disorder to punish me. And He wouldn't demand that I compromise my own health and the wellbeing of my children so that I could have one or two more, and wanting them isn't the same as being able to manage with them.

 

excellent post. I've had to learn the same lessons. I have no specific health issues, but I am just terrible at managing the chaos of pregnancy, infancy and toddlerhood. I easily get overwhelmed and depressed,

[I.Dup.]

How old are your kids?

 

 

Most of them just had birthdays, so they are newly 11, newly 8, newly 6, 4, newly 3, 1, and I'm expecting again.

 

My dd does have a friend from swim team that lives right up the road from us and passes our street on their way. They have 2 kids and do want to be there every week. We offered to car pool with them, but the Dad said he likes going and didn't reciprocate to pick up dd, although they have offered on 2 different occasions. Not sure where to go from here, lol.

 

Dh and I have had arguments about this because he is all gung-ho about swim team (it was originally my idea, but he is way more enthusiastic about it now) and I am feeling the pain of it. We take her twice a week, she would like to go on Saturdays also but we nixed that early on, and that's not counting the weekend activities and swim meets. Dh and I just had an argument about it again last night when I didn't run all over town to deliver the money due for the next swim meet. They told me this as I was walking out the door and of course they were both freaking out about it. Dh finally made some calls and took care of it. It's just a big time suck and drain for the family. I know it's good for her and she enjoys it, and I'm feeling like the one with the bad attitude because I feel the way I do.

[fairfarmhand]

Has your dh ever had to get all the littles ready to go, out the door, sat around with them at the pool, loaded them back up and brought them all home? That is what you have to do when you take care of this. I doubt he realizes the stress of it all.

[Amy in TX]

Idup, thanks for bringing this up. I've been struggling with some of the same feelings lately--wondering if it was "selfish" of me to have four children, when now I'm having a hard time finding one-on-one time with each of them, getting them all out of the house to do things they enjoy, etc., etc., and wanting to do things for myself such as going back to school.

 

But I had a conversation with my best friend recently, who has "only" two children. And she is going through the exact same struggles that I am, and feeling guilty for not being able to do/give as much as she feels they need. So I don't think this is a number-of-children issue; I think it's something all mothers deal with. I'll bet your children will be just fine, because you are a loving and concerned mother.

[I.Dup.]

Has your dh ever had to get all the littles ready to go, out the door, sat around with them at the pool, loaded them back up and brought them all home? That is what you have to do when you take care of this. I doubt he realizes the stress of it all.

 

 

To be fair, only once or twice have I had to take them all myself. Usually just he takes her, or I take her. But that still leaves me home alone with all of the other kids to deal with right at dinner time because I don't usually even want to leave the house. Either way, it's just a big commitment and this is only for one child.

[fairfarmhand]

 

To be fair, only once or twice have I had to take them all myself. Usually just he takes her, or I take her. But that still leaves me home alone with all of the other kids to deal with right at dinner time because I don't usually even want to leave the house. Either way, it's just a big commitment and this is only for one child.

 

yeah.... I get it. Can you do sandwich night or crock pot night on swim nights?

 

When my kids were tiny and I was pregnant, I would have to start at 2:30 in the afternoon to get baths, clothes, supper for us to make it to 7 pm Wednesday night church.

 

I don't know about you, but evenings were the worst, so I'd plan around that. I'd do baths at 3:30 instead of after supper. Paper plates,etc. to simplify my evenings.

[amy g.]

Well, I only have 5 children so I don't know if my family counts as big. I do not have any health issues, but an ideal day for me is to stay home. An ideal month for me would be to just stay home. Taking the kids all over creation wears me out.

 

Never the less, I have to just suck it up and do what I believe is best for them. That means driving them to swim team(45 minutes away) piano lessons (an hour away) community college, home school classes, horseback riding, Boy Scout, Girl Scout and sewing lessons.

 

We also do different intensive yearly events. They just signed up to show goats at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. That will mean Dh will take all 4 girls and spend 3 days sleeping in the barn with the goats while Ds and I stay home and do all of the milking and feeding by ourselves.

 

We also sell at local Farmers markets every weekend and vend at several 8 week Renaissance festivals that consist of 15 hour days on our feel.

 

Honestly, sometimes I think it is going to kill me.

 

I try to look at it as just a season....a really difficult season. Soon my older kids will start driving to some of these activities, but I've wanted to wait on that until they are emotionally mature enough to drive, not just legally old enough.

 

I am not trying to brag or act superior. I don't feel superior to moms who set realistic boundaries for themselves and their families. I'm sure that is the healthier decision.

 

FOR US, we have chosen to just push through, and try to give our kids every opportunity we can.

 

I'm fortunate that Dh and I are on the same page, particularly now that Miss Bossy asked to start gymnastics and Miss Beautiful wants to swim year round instead of just summer team.

 

I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Until then I just keep swimming.

[I.Dup.]

yeah.... I get it. Can you do sandwich night or crock pot night on swim nights?

 

When my kids were tiny and I was pregnant, I would have to start at 2:30 in the afternoon to get baths, clothes, supper for us to make it to 7 pm Wednesday night church.

 

I don't know about you, but evenings were the worst, so I'd plan around that. I'd do baths at 3:30 instead of after supper. Paper plates,etc. to simplify my evenings.

 

 

Good idea. Evenings are REALLY tough for me, most *especially* when I am pregnant. I've never had morning sickness, just evening sickness. So I know some of that will fade, and is fading, as I get farther along. But I still question if this is really worth it. Of course I love my daughter and want her to be happy and do things she enjoys, and I feel awful for even questioning it. Thanks for the suggestions, I will try to get more done earlier in the day.

[I.Dup.]

Well, I only have 5 children so I don't know if my family counts as big. I do not have any health issues, but an ideal day for me is to stay home. An ideal month for me would be to just stay home. Taking the kids all over creation wears me out.

 

Never the less, I have to just suck it up and do what I believe is best for them. That means driving them to swim team(45 minutes away) piano lessons (an hour away) community college, home school classes, horseback riding, Boy Scout, Girl Scout and sewing lessons.

 

We also do different intensive yearly events. They just signed up to show goats at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. That will mean Dh will take all 4 girls and spend 3 days sleeping in the barn with the goats while Ds and I stay home and do all of the milking and feeding by ourselves.

 

We also sell at local Farmers markets every weekend and vend at several 8 week Renaissance festivals that consist of 15 hour days on our feel.

 

Honestly, sometimes I think it is going to kill me.

 

I try to look at it as just a season....a really difficult season. Soon my older kids will start driving to some of these activities, but I've wanted to wait on that until they are emotionally mature enough to drive, not just legally old enough.

 

I am not trying to brag or act superior. I don't feel superior to moms who set realistic boundaries for themselves and their families. I'm sure that is the healthier decision.

 

FOR US, we have chosen to just push through, and try to give our kids every opportunity we can.

 

I'm fortunate that Dh and I are on the same page, particularly now that Miss Bossy asked to start gymnastics and Miss Beautiful wants to swim year round instead of just summer team.

 

I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Until then I just keep swimming.

 

 

Wow. Just reading this makes me want to weep. But I know this is the cultural expectation, to always be running our children around and have them in lots of activities. That is what I'm trying to figure out, how to keep up with that. I've never been very good at just sucking things up, lol.

[fairfarmhand]

 

Good idea. Evenings are REALLY tough for me, most *especially* when I am pregnant. I've never had morning sickness, just evening sickness. So I know some of that will fade, and is fading, as I get farther along. But I still question if this is really worth it. Of course I love my daughter and want her to be happy and do things she enjoys, and I feel awful for even questioning it. Thanks for the suggestions, I will try to get more done earlier in the day.

 

Don't feel bad for questioning it. It's okay.

But it still might be a good idea for you and your dh to sit down and talk through these things.

 

How much are you willing to sacrifice for your kid's activities?

 

What does an ideal evening look like for him? For you? (both right now and in the future)

 

What does an ideal weekend look like for him? For you?(both right now and in the future)

 

What interests do you want to cultivate in your kids and how will you accomplish that?

 

How much money can you dedicate to extracurriculars?

 

These things are important to discuss now while your kids are relatively young. Once your youngers are old enough to want to participate in other things your life could get REALLY hairy really fast.

 

For us, we will spend $$$ on things for the kids to enjoy at home so they are more occupied here (trampolines, playground equipment, horses, land, cows, etc) We also make every effort to cultivate activities and friendships close to us. We try to avoid things that will take us more than 20 minutes from home on regular basis. also, remember in the future you may be adding in things like orthodontist appointments. And you've probably already experienced the "illness phenomenon" when you have to see a doctor 5 times in 2 weeks!!! All that running adds up when you are tired, sick, pregnant, nursing, etc.

[I.Dup.]

Awesome ideas. Thank you. Thank you for the question ideas. What if the ideal evenings and weekends look like we just want to be at home together? LOL...I'm sure that's not going to fly with the kids for much longer (and already not my oldest).

[justamouse]

 

Good idea. Evenings are REALLY tough for me, most *especially* when I am pregnant. I've never had morning sickness, just evening sickness. So I know some of that will fade, and is fading, as I get farther along. But I still question if this is really worth it. Of course I love my daughter and want her to be happy and do things she enjoys, and I feel awful for even questioning it. Thanks for the suggestions, I will try to get more done earlier in the day.

 

I know I am a broken record saying this, but they are ALL so young. They are ALL so young. Please, stop twisting yourself up over this. This is one of the hardest stages you will go through, this, right now, until the baby is about 7/8.

 

Will some of them be deprived of things they want (though might not need)? Yes. Welcome to life. No one ever gets everything they want, and that's just that.

 

It's hard for you because those are the hardest hours of your day. It's ok that you feel like that. If he is doing it, then let him do it and just deal because you will feel better eventually, one day will turn into the next and things will change.

[fairfarmhand]

Awesome ideas. Thank you. Thank you for the question ideas. What if the ideal evenings and weekends look like we just want to be at home together? LOL...I'm sure that's not going to fly with the kids for much longer (and already not my oldest).

 

You know what? I told my kids that we will not regularly have evening commitments because dad gets home so late and we want to spend time together as a family. They lived through it. I do make an effort to seek out afternoon homeschooling activities to keep my social bugs happy. However, I do know that my bigger kids need more than just sitting around a TV in the evening. They do want to connect with mom and dad by playing games, doing cool things. Not watching us flop exhausted on the couch. I'd make an effort to make my evenings more "fun" by having a designated "game night" "movie night" "baking with dad" "science experiment" night and they might be more interested in staying home evenings. Summer is easier though.

I know I am a broken record saying this, but they are ALL so young. They are ALL so young. Please, stop twisting yourself up over this. This is one of the hardest stages you will go through, this, right now, until the baby is about 7/8.

 

Will some of them be deprived of things they want (though might not need)? Yes. Welcome to life. No one ever gets everything they want, and that's just that.

 

It's hard for you because those are the hardest hours of your day. It's ok that you feel like that. If he is doing it, then let him do it and just deal because you will feel better eventually, one day will turn into the next and things will change.

 

One BIG skill that I want me kids to have is contentment. Being able to say no, recognize their time, money and energy limitations. You know the old song... "You can't always get what you want...."

[I.Dup.]

I know I am a broken record saying this, but they are ALL so young. They are ALL so young. Please, stop twisting yourself up over this. This is one of the hardest stages you will go through, this, right now, until the baby is about 7/8.

 

 

 

I know, I know, thank you. :grouphug: :) But that's IF this baby is our last (probably not) and even if this baby WAS our last our oldest will be 18/19 by the time this baby is 7/8. There are many joys of having a large family, as you know, but this one of the downsides of having many children. There is no cut and dried "just a few more years and everything will be normal." kwim?

[Wheres Toto]

I don't have the big family but I have the guilt. My oldest was able to do so much more than her siblings. Partially because it was a different financial situation, partially because she's a different kid.

 

My son is not officially diagnosed but has a very hard time in social situations. He isn't shy but he's inappropriately in-your-face, can't sit still, can't be quiet, doesn't do well in group settings. The things I think would be best for him - martial arts and horseback riding - we can't afford. Since we homeschool and anything we can do during the day, even if it's for dd he would have to come along, it limits what dd can do too.

 

I often obsess about the things they can't do. Especially when I see all the fun stuff posted on my various yahoo groups.

[2squared]

At some point your kids will need more than just family time, and now may be the time for your oldest. If she has found an activity that inspires her and you can afford it, I would figure out how to make it work. I know the driving is inconvenient, but that's a part of the package. The trick is to find ways to make it work for everyone. If it was me, I would plan easy dinners those days, and I would leave dh home with the littles. Even if I just sat in the car during practice, I would take the opportunity for some peace and quiet. Maybe even a nap.

 

If I was home, I would serve the easy meal, have the family pick-up, skip baths (they don't need to bathe every night), and plug in some screen time while you catch a breather.

 

Easy meal ideas:

Anything in the crockpot

Soup simmered all day

Tacos - make the meat in the morning and throw into crockpot

Spaghetti - prep ingredients at lunch time; cook noodles then too if you want

Homemade/frozen pizza

Cold meat sandwiches

Cheese, crackers, sausage

Pancakes and eggs

 

I wonder if you could offer to pay the other dad for transporting your daughter? Even if you offer a token amount, maybe it would at least get him to understand that you really want/need to carpool.

[justamouse]

I know, I know, thank you. :grouphug: :) But that's IF this baby is our last (probably not) and even if this baby WAS our last our oldest will be 18/19 by the time this baby is 7/8. There are many joys of having a large family, as you know, but this one of the downsides of having many children. There is no cut and dried "just a few more years and everything will be normal." kwim?

 

 

VERY true. You are right, I was not taking into consideration that this might not be your last and that is actually awful of me, I still have that automatic shut off as default. Hmm.

 

Even so, you have 6 children who are very young. And they will grow, and they will help and even if you still have more, they will still be able to help more and do more.

 

You do pretty much everything right now (which is why we get exhausted and don't wan to leave the house). Now, think in 5 years--even if you have a baby every 2. My kids just all made themselves eggs. They even made ME eggs, and their little sister (because they think being able to cook is THE coolest thing ever. I work with that. :D)

 

Now, imagine it when they are older and you can delegate? It IS different, even if you have more.

[AnIslandGirl]

Although there is no magic age, there comes a point when your children (the older ones and you as parents) need to sit down for a family meeting. The goal is for everyone to say what they would like to do, and how they can help accomplish that goal.

For our family it turned into "presentations" to convince our parents why we should each participate in whatever activity it was that piqued our interest at the time.

The ones that passed were ones that would benefit our future. If it was just a want, like gymnastics for a clumsy sister that never would have gotten a gymnastics scholarship to help with college, then they found a way to make a balance beam in the basement and a trampoline in the backyard.

One parent had driving duty each day and the other stayed home. They switched off throughout the week. My mom still says some of her best memories were conversations she had with just a few of us in the car at any given time.

 

Now that I only have 1 here at home, I still feel exhausted from all of the running around.

Good luck in your decision!

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

Wow. Just reading this makes me want to weep. But I know this is the cultural expectation, to always be running our children around and have them in lots of activities. That is what I'm trying to figure out, how to keep up with that. I've never been very good at just sucking things up, lol.

 

 

I bet you are really good at sucking things up, lol. Give yourself some credit Mom:)

 

I have a smaller family, and I am not taking my kids to activities because I am trying to meet some "cultural expectation." I seriously just really enjoy that car time with my children. It has always been a good time to chat, listen to music, share thoughts, talk about the news, etc. I think this is probably a difference in the size of a family. It is a ton of work just to load up six kids in a car and go anywhere. And with six kids, someone is always going to be out of sorts. If you think your overall time with your children is more pleasant around the house, I think you should try to keep things simple.

 

I do believe that sometimes we have to have a "top down" approach. You are at the top. And often, you are pregnant. You need to be willing to take care of yourself. You need to be honest about your own energy level and enjoyment in doing activities with your children. Academic stuff may not be negotiable. You do sort of have to suck it up and teach Algebra. But you don't HAVE to take kids to soccer practice.

 

But then I think that as your kids get older, you need to really look at what the oldest children need and prioritize that. Obviously little ones get lots of love, hugs, reading time, etc. But some of the family time and resources should go towards letting your oldest have an activity that is important to her. And then to who much is given, much is expected. If your oldest knows that you are making financial and energy sacrifices to accommodate her activity, she should also be aware that you expect her to do more chores, give more attention to her youngest siblings, and generally set a good example.

 

I also would think about whether one of the parents could opt to do some "activities" in the evenings and weekends. You could figure out which is more tiring for you - being the one that takes DD to an evening practice, or being the one who stays home with all the other kids.

 

ETA I did have one year when I felt I could never do what my kids needed beyond the very basics. That was they year my Dad was dying, and I hate to say it, but they were alone too much, learned to microwave frozen meals, and probably didn't do as much academically as they should have. And I felt a huge amount of stress and guilt about it, but I also would feel a huge amount of stress and guilt if I hadn't helped take care of my Dad. No regrets.

 

I can't remember what your religious faith is, but I try to remind myself when I am overwhelmed that on any given a day, I have the amount of time I need to do what God has planned for me to do that day. I just do. If I think I don't, I pray about what thing I can just let go of that day.

[Murphy101]

Additional thought.

 

Just because someone is "demanding", doesn't mean they have a right to those demands. It's perfectly acceptable to tell them no. In fact, I think it very good for them. Especially when they aren't even teens yet.

[fairfarmhand]

Know what helped me?

 

Starting each morning with a prayer, "Father, help me to get done what YOU would have me to do. And let the rest go."

[TranquilMind]

that prevent you from doing as much as you'd like for each child. How do you deal with the guilt of this? I don't want to make this only about having a large family, although I know there are many of you out there with large families so I am interested in your perspective on this. I know some moms have health issues, mental illnesses, whatever, that keeps them from being the ideal mom that they have in their head.

 

For us, it is having a large family. This has meant many pregnancies, many sleepless nights, many years of nursing, etc, for me. As we have had more children I have had more health issues and I get more tired each time. Our children are getting older and especially my oldest is very demanding (always has been) and wants to be entertained, chauffeured around, etc. I am realizing that I have little energy (or even desire) to do many things. I really don't even like leaving the house. Thankfully we are a 2 parent household. :p

 

I am thinking of things like handling extracurriculars, outside activities, anything that requires a lot of running around, keeping your children busy enough and entertained, etc. I am feeling the weight of especially those things right now.

 

If something prevents you from doing everything you'd like with your kids, how do you deal with this? FWIW, I would like this to be more of a JAWM...I'm already feeling discouraged and hearing about how a bunch of you manage to be supermoms regardless of any circumstances would just be too much right now.

 

 

Thank God for Husbands! This is their job, while you are doing the babymaking and delivering. And you sound like you have done a GREAT JOB in that. You have provided your kids a family with lots of brothers and sisters. Some of us never had this. You have provided them lifelong support, long after you are gone. Places to go for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Good job.

 

You can only do what you can do on a day to day basis. Don't feel guilty. I'm sure you are a great Mom in many important ways and NO KID gets every single thing he could possibly want in childhood!

 

In fact, no one gets everything in life. It builds character. Refuse guilt. I don't do guilt.

 

I'm an older Mom. I don't have tons of energy. I never feel guilty. I do what I can do and my husband (who is younger, thank the Lord!) does the rest.

[fairfarmhand]

Additional thought.

 

Just because someone is "demanding", doesn't mean they have a right to those demands. It's perfectly acceptable to tell them no. In fact, I think it very good for them. Especially when they aren't even teens yet.

 

by the way, my oldest can/could sense my inner guilt and pity for her. I felt bad that she had to sacrifice for the family. And boy can she lay on the guilt. She's quite good at manipulating me in that way. My dh reminded me that he was the oldest of 3 growing up below the poverty line with ZERO (Absollutely ZERO) extras. He was smart, worked hard and got full academic scholarships to college. He's been fine without any of that extra stuff. It's okay to not have much or not have any extras. No guilt. Do the best that you can.

[Reya]

BTW, for me, it isn't just that I have to space my kids more than I'd like for fear that they'd end up closer together than I can handle. That's just the uppermost thing in my mind. I ALWAYS wanted to own a horse growing up. We have the money, but I don't have the time and energy. I just don't. So it's not something that's ever going to happen for me. In my dreams, I'd live on a hobby farm with a dozen kids. Nope. Never going to be able to handle it. I have to make choices about what I can realistically do and set priorities. :)

[Aelwydd]

If I were to make an argument for why large families in general are "better" (which was not at all my intention here), I would most certainly not do it on the basis of anecdotal evidence. For what its worth I was not drawing a grand conclusion from personal observations. The point of my observation and the personal example I provided was to point out that sometimes natural limits are a good thing because living with natural limitations is a lot easier than imposing artificial ones. My only purpose for what I wrote was to simply encourage I.Dup to not automatically assume that the natural limitations of their lives are negatively influencing her children.

 

 

I didn't say you were making an argument for larger families, ltmers. I said you made an offensive comment. However your intent, it came across as hurtful. You may not have intended it that way, but on this board, there is a history of people making cutting remarks about the personal and moral failings of children raised in small families.

 

Lots of posters with large families come on this board and share about hurtful remarks made to them in day-to-day life. I see many folks with small families, like Chucki, rush to their defense. I do the same. I try to encourage them.

 

Yet, small families, and especially those with only children, seem to be curiously immune from any such consideration on this board. If it seems like I'm picking on you, ltmrs, it's because I just don't have anymore tolerance for the negativity, and I want to nip it in the bud.

 

I.Dup, I apologize for derailing your thread. I don't want this to be about a small family vs. big family argument either. That is why I maintain that it's not necessary to make a negative comparison about small families in order to point out the strengths of larger families. Ditto for the reverse.

[I.Dup.]

Although there is no magic age, there comes a point when your children (the older ones and you as parents) need to sit down for a family meeting. The goal is for everyone to say what they would like to do, and how they can help accomplish that goal.

For our family it turned into "presentations" to convince our parents why we should each participate in whatever activity it was that piqued our interest at the time.

The ones that passed were ones that would benefit our future. If it was just a want, like gymnastics for a clumsy sister that never would have gotten a gymnastics scholarship to help with college, then they found a way to make a balance beam in the basement and a trampoline in the backyard.

One parent had driving duty each day and the other stayed home. They switched off throughout the week. My mom still says some of her best memories were conversations she had with just a few of us in the car at any given time.

 

Now that I only have 1 here at home, I still feel exhausted from all of the running around.

Good luck in your decision!

 

:grouphug:

 

I would love to think of things this way. But the truth is swim team most likely won't get her into college or benefit her future in any huge way- it's just something fun that she enjoys doing. Sure, she and my husband have starry eyes of thinking of the Olympics and things like that, but I'm more the realist. Hey, if she gets into the Olympics- AWESOME. But I'm not starting with that goal in mind, nor do we devote the time and the pool necessary for that (and I can't imagine we ever will be able to....) So how do you decide what truly CAN be done for the betterment of your kids, vs. what they just don't really need? I hear of all of this "running around" it seems everyone does that.

 

Thank you all for the help and encouragement. I was thinking everyone would just tell me to stop complaining and get on with it for the good of my kids. Believe me, I am doing the best I can and it hurts me that I can't do more, more, more. So thank you for relating and helping.

[Aelwydd]

that prevent you from doing as much as you'd like for each child. How do you deal with the guilt of this? I don't want to make this only about having a large family, although I know there are many of you out there with large families so I am interested in your perspective on this. I know some moms have health issues, mental illnesses, whatever, that keeps them from being the ideal mom that they have in their head.

 

For us, it is having a large family. This has meant many pregnancies, many sleepless nights, many years of nursing, etc, for me. As we have had more children I have had more health issues and I get more tired each time. Our children are getting older and especially my oldest is very demanding (always has been) and wants to be entertained, chauffeured around, etc. I am realizing that I have little energy (or even desire) to do many things. I really don't even like leaving the house. Thankfully we are a 2 parent household. :p

 

I am thinking of things like handling extracurriculars, outside activities, anything that requires a lot of running around, keeping your children busy enough and entertained, etc. I am feeling the weight of especially those things right now.

 

If something prevents you from doing everything you'd like with your kids, how do you deal with this? FWIW, I would like this to be more of a JAWM...I'm already feeling discouraged and hearing about how a bunch of you manage to be supermoms regardless of any circumstances would just be too much right now.

 

 

You know, there is guilt no matter what you do, I.Dup. You feel guilt for not being to do more activities. I feel guilt because I don't feel physically well enough to endure another pregnancy. My ds won't have siblings, unless we can adopt.

 

So, just consider guilt part and parcel of being a mother. I think it comes with the territory.

 

WRT your oldest: the way we worked it in my family when I was younger, was once I was old enough to drive, I helped my parents by driving my younger sisters around, sometimes to school, other times to drama practice, etc. Other times, I would go to the store and get dinner, snacks, whatever. I loved it. Gave me responsibility and driving time, and it freed up my parents' schedules a bit. I know that doesn't help your oldest now, but I tend to think that just sort of goes, too, with the territory of being oldest. It means that sometimes your siblings get to do things you didn't get to, but it also meant, at least for me, that I enjoyed a certain level of trust from my parents, that my younger sisters did not. You win some, you lose some. That's life!

 

In a few years, as more of your children become old enough to do run-around stuff like that, it really helps ease the burden on you.

 

 

Finally, I only have one kid, and I still can't afford to run around or do tons of extra-curricula activities. My son plays hockey, and he is part of free wrestling program offered by the next town over. That's it, besides work and church. We can't really afford for him to be in a bunch of other activities, even though I'd love to do that for him. Just like you, we have limits on energy, time, and money.

 

Our ds also has had a very bad case of highly reactive asthma since he was a baby. That has presented a lot of challenges, especially financial. Lots of doctor bills, and special visits, and medications. It's ridiculous. The way we've coped is to move to a warmer region, which helped improve his health. We've also relied on extended family and cousins for that sibling relationship, since he doesn't have any. You do what you have to do to get by.