would you consider this rude?

[HappyLady]

I hosted Christmas at my house. I told everyone to come around 2 and that dinner would be served between 4 and 5. My sister and her family came right at 2. My mom and her fiance, however, showed up at 4:45, just as I was serving dinner. They had no reason for not being there earlier, they just apparently felt like coming at that time.

 

Would you consider that rude or ok? I was annoyed for many reasons, but my mom annoys me very easily (we don't have a good relationship) so I'm just curious how you would have felt.

 

FYI, they did stay a couple hours after dinner so they didn't eat and leave, but still.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No, not rude at all. Our family has people who like to socialize more and come earlier and some who come later. It's all good and I can't imagine judging anyone because of it.

[Dandelion]

IMO, if you said to come at 2pm, then showing up at 4:45pm is inconsiderate. They should either have cleared their late arrival with you in advance, or at least called that day (by 2pm) to let you know.

[Robin M]

No I don't think it's rude. Gently saying, since you say your mom annoys you easily, then it worked out for the best that they came later. It gave you time to spend with your sister and family. Look on the bright side.

[Joshin]

Being a bit late isn't rude. What strikes me as rude is you said dinner between 4 and 5. What if dinner was on the table at 4:15? If they had shown up at anytime between 2 and 4 wouldn't have been rude, but after 4 is rude in my opinion.

[Pink Fairy]

Yes, if you asked everyone to come at 2pm, and they said they would, then showed up at 4:45--that's rude.

[bettyandbob]

Not rude. They didn't show up after you seved and complain you didn't wait.

 

How long were you expecting people? From your timing at least 4 hours. 2 before dinner and then 2 for eating talking nd dessert. I like some time at my home alone with dc, plus I visit my and dh's families. My family got 3 hours. And dh' got 3 hours. Anymore to either cut in to our time. If I were going to your party I would have scheduled a short visit ith dh' family before and shown up at your house just before 4, planning to visit during and a little after the meal. After the earl would be too late to visit anyonelse based on your schedule.

[Cosmos]

Being a bit late isn't rude. What strikes me as rude is you said dinner between 4 and 5. What if dinner was on the table at 4:15? If they had shown up at anytime between 2 and 4 wouldn't have been rude, but after 4 is rude in my opinion.

 

I agree. From 2-4 is optional social time. But you'd better be there by 4.

[GraciebytheBay]

Well, I would consider it rude! What were they communicating by being there 2.5 hours after you asked them to arrive? They didn't really want to spend that much time with you. At least, that's how I would interpret it. I guess my feelings would be hurt, especially if they didn't call and let me know. Keep in mind that I am a pretty punctual person, so I can't imagine this scenario without a shudder! That does color my response, no doubt.

[Rosie_0801]

Our family Christmases are deliberately designed to allow for people to come and go as they feel like it. One Christmas I'd planned the dinner for Christmas lunch and my dad and sister showed up on Christmas Eve instead. They got left over soup, lol, since that was all we were having.

[Danestress]

Yes. I think it was rude. I would balk at the idea of 2-3 hours of forced socializing, so I get not showing up at 2:00. But I think if dinner is going to be served between 4-5, you have to show up by 3:45. If the meat is ready for serving at 4:00, you have to be there. Particularly with a large cut of meat or a bird, it is hard to know exactly when dinner will be, so the guest has to trust that It might be at 4:00.

[LaxMom]

My husband has relatives that arrive hours after the "please arrive" time, and we would often be waiting for them to sit down to the meal. I considered it rude every.single.time.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I don't think it's terribly rude, but I can understand the frustration of thinking someone is going to arrive any minute, and they don't arrive until much later. I can also understand not wanting to arrive at 2 when dinner won't be until at least 4. Maybe she was nervous about how that time would go and/or maybe her fiance didn't want to sit there and feel awkward. I guess I'd try to give them a break, since they did stay for awhile after the meal. This is, of course, provided the time with them was fairly pleasant and they didn't do or say anything horrible!

[Guest]

Well, I pretty much just did this to my SIL yesterday, so no, it's not rude. :leaving: SIL told me, "There will be 'happy hour' from 4pm - 6pm. Dinner will be at 6:30." We showed up at 6:00. We didn't want to be there for happy hour(s).

[SKL]

Depends on family tradition and what you're serving. My family doesn't do a sit-down meal for Christmas. Just a ham and some potato / macaroni salads and maybe some pot luck if anyone feels ambitious after all that wrapping, LOL. It sits in the kitchen and you grab what you want when you want it. So we are very flexible. Now if you do formal stuff like a sit-down dinner or scheduled gift exchange, that would be different.

 

I much prefer a more laid-back approach to family get-togethers. Thanksgiving, which is always a sit-down meal for us, is the only exception.

 

Long story short, I think that as long as the guests' timing did not prevent the group from doing what was planned (e.g., serving dinner when it was ready), then it was OK.

 

I also tend to let little family annoyances roll off my back. It doesn't do any good to dwell on them. Focus on the positive, as someone above said. It's nice to have time with smaller groups vs. having the whole crowd together all day.

[Eagle]

I think it is rude since she didn't let you know they would be late. And even if something delayed their arrival I would have still expected them by 3:30 so they would be there in plenty of time before the start of dinner. It is very frustrating dealing with people arriving when you are trying to get dinner on the table while everything is still hot.

[thebacabunch]

It's rude to arrive after 4. Why did everyone need to be there 2 hours before dinner?

[Impish]

I guess it depends on family culture.

 

I was always taught, and experienced in my family, that showing up just in time to be fed was rude.

[Ewe Mama]

If dinner was being served and eaten between 4-5, then yes, they were horribly rude. If the invitation was somewhat vague and food would be served sometime between 4-5, then not as rude. Annoying, yes.

 

I have to deal with late relatives every. Single. Holiday. My MIL came flying in at the predetermined mealtime (2 pm) yesterday afternoon and shoved two boxes of Stouffer's side dishes into my hands that needed to be cooked for 75 minutes. I was not a happy hostess. She then had the audacity to complain that the turkey was dry.

 

Sometimes I wish we lived far, far away. Then maybe they would make more of an effort to show up on time.

[Rosie_0801]

If people showed up to my Christmas dinner late, without ringing, it'd be their problem if their dinner was cold.

[lil' maids in a row]

Yes, in our family if someone showed up two or more hours late to a get together it would be considered rude.

[FaithManor]

I guess it depends on family culture.

 

I was always taught, and experienced in my family, that showing up just in time to be fed was rude.

 

This is how I was raised. One doesn't breeze in the door just as dinner is being served if there is no chance to visit formally planned after dinner. If you are going to take advantage of the hostess' hospitality, then you owe her/him the courtesy of being willing to visit.

 

4:15 I could kind of see if you and your mom do not have a good relationship and she still wanted to make an effort by sharing a meal...there are circumstances in which it's best to bend family tradition and make an effort. But, at that point, 15 minutes before the "we will be done eating deadline" is inappropriate and especially if the party was intended to break up and go home after the dinner table was cleared. At that point, you've just been a restaurant and had no chance to catch up with the other person/people.

 

I think sometimes there are folks that forget that a dinner invitation is NOT actually all about being fed a free meal...dinner invitations are extended to create an opportunity to keep in touch as we lead hectic lives and those that host should be treated graciously even as the hosts hopefully extend grace where due.

 

OP, try not to let it bother you too much. Some people are a bit clueless as to how they come across in social situations.

 

Faith

[KungFuPanda]

I'd be annoyed that my mom knew me well enough to pinpoint exactly how late I'd actually serve dinner in that

4-5 p.m. window :-/

[KungFuPanda]

Duplicate

[Shellers]

I would think your mom's showing up late was rude. I am pretty quicky to think people are rude though.

 

I have a great relationship with my mom and if she did this to me, I would think she was confused.

[SKL]

My mom comes when she's good and ready, LOL. If it's really important for her to be on time, we tell her that the event starts a half-hour earlier than it actually does. :)

 

I can't complain, because I'm usually late myself. I will always call when I get on the road and say I'll be there in an hour. Usually I'm not actually late for a sit-down dinner, but I would definitely be late for a "please come at 2pm and we'll eat after 4pm" deal. I can't help it; it's genetic. :)

 

And if I did get to my mom's house at 2pm, I'd just be in the way, as they'd still be trying to clean the place.

 

Are you sure your mom isn't related to my family?

[kitten18]

 

 

I agree. From 2-4 is optional social time. But you'd better be there by 4.

 

I agree

[Ellie]

I hosted Christmas at my house. I told everyone to come around 2 and that dinner would be served between 4 and 5. My sister and her family came right at 2. My mom and her fiance, however, showed up at 4:45, just as I was serving dinner. They had no reason for not being there earlier, they just apparently felt like coming at that time.

 

Would you consider that rude or ok? I was annoyed for many reasons, but my mom annoys me very easily (we don't have a good relationship) so I'm just curious how you would have felt.

 

FYI, they did stay a couple hours after dinner so they didn't eat and leave, but still.

 

I dunno...it's kind of iffy. Telling people to come at 2 just so they could hang around for 2-3 hours before dinner...well, maybe your mother and her fiance just didn't see the hanging-around time as mandatory. I can understand their POV. Maybe you're over-sensitive; as you say, your mother easily annoys you.

 

What did you tell people would be going on? When I do that sort of thing, I tell people ahead of time that we'll be eating at, say, 4ish, and that it would be fun for people to come over around 2ish so we could chat, maybe play a game of Settlers of Catan or whatnot, and just generally socialize before dinner. I wouldn't *expect* people to be there for that, though. And there were other people there, right? I'd let it go.

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe her fiancée isn't very tolerant of the family? Maybe he is a massive introvert? I think polite would have been showing up closer to 4, but not everyone can handle hours and hours of socializing, and I do think you (general you, meaning mostly me, lol) have to make allowances for that.

[Heather in Neverland]

Being a bit late isn't rude. What strikes me as rude is you said dinner between 4 and 5. What if dinner was on the table at 4:15? If they had shown up at anytime between 2 and 4 wouldn't have been rude, but after 4 is rude in my opinion.

 

 

This is what I was thinking. Although in my family, we serve dinner soon after the start time then socialize afterwards so if dinner was at 4 we would tell people to come at maybe 3:30 not 2.

[somo_chickenlady]

Yes, I would find that rude, but I prefer to show up early to help set up, and stay late to help clean up. I find "show up, eat, and run" types to be rude, but that is jmho. My BIL and his wife and kids are late like that every. single. holiday. They usually don't get there until after everyone has started eating, though, most of the time once everyone else is done. They are incapable of arriving anywhere on time, even before they had children. Over the years we have all learned not to wait around for them anymore, but I still find it incredibly rude.

[Unicorn.]

Being a bit late isn't rude. What strikes me as rude is you said dinner between 4 and 5. What if dinner was on the table at 4:15? If they had shown up at anytime between 2 and 4 wouldn't have been rude, but after 4 is rude in my opinion.

 

:iagree: You said dinner between 4-5, they should be there BY 4. Saying come at 2 is more of an optional, you can come at 2, but that's the earliest. 4:45 is rude.

[gardenmom5]

generally it's polite to show up at least 30 minutes before the meal is being served. Keeps the host from having to greet while trying to dish up. You gave an hour long window of dinner to start (re: it's a large window) - and it was quite possible you could have been finished eating before they showed up at 4:45, but that would have been their problem.

 

we give the time we plan to start eating (e.g. 4pm), and they all know we mean business and show up before that.

 

iow: we do NOT "hold dinner" for late arrivals. we do not give 'windows' either.

[Lisbeth]

I think they 3 hours lead time is a bit much, but I would've arrived by around 3:30. An invitation is not a summons, but, I would def. let the hostess know I couldn't make it at 2 pm but would be there by 3:30. Arriving after the meal might have already been done is very iffy.

[Laurie4b]

Sometimes people only recall part of the information. It's possible that "4-5:00" was the bit that "stuck."

[SKL]

The OP was just serving food at 4:45. Does the OP have a history of serving food on the late side of what she says? If so, I'd definitely give Mom a pass. Maybe not anyone else, but Mom for sure.

 

I'm also not a fan of being told "x will occur between 4 and 5pm." I think an hour window for serving dinner is too long, but that could just be me. I mean, I stop eating at a certain time if I expect to get food in x hours. If the food doesn't make its appearance, I become uncomfortably hungry.

[Guest]

The OP was just serving food at 4:45. Does the OP have a history of serving food on the late side of what she says? If so, I'd definitely give Mom a pass. Maybe not anyone else, but Mom for sure.

 

I'm also not a fan of being told "x will occur between 4 and 5pm." I think an hour window for serving dinner is too long, but that could just be me. I mean, I stop eating at a certain time if I expect to get food in x hours. If the food doesn't make its appearance, I become uncomfortably hungry.

 

 

:iagree: I actually typed up something to this affect, but my post got lost in cyberspace. "between 4 and 5" doesn't sound terribly committed to a definite dinner time. If I hear that, I get the impression that the host is "soft" on the start time and won't care much whether I mosey in at 4:30 or I come at the first available moment.