Kathryn Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 What do you say to those with whom you still want to have a relationship? Do you say something to the minister? Do you ask for your membership to be revoked or does the next church you go to do something with that? While there are certainly things we don't like, there's nothing particularly awful about where we are, we are switching denominations. I worry that some will take offense to this though. The priest at the church we are leaving is brand new. We've only seen him a couple of times and have no relationship with him. Honestly, there are only a couple of people we'd want to keep in contact with. One is in our homeschool group, so we will still see. I'm meeting her tomorrow for the kids to get together and I know she's going to ask where we've been the past couple of weeks. The other couple are our childrens' godparents but haven't really talked to us outside of church in a couple of years. Making it even more awkward in DH's mind is that once we officially are part of our new denomination, our children will need new godparents of the new denomination. He feels that we owe it to their current godparents to say something even though they haven't taken the role seriously thus far. So, how is this sort of thing properly handled? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 Since it doesn't appear that you are leaving any specific responsibilities in the church, or that you have any particular issues with the church that need to be addressed, I wouldn't say too much. I would tell your personal friends and that is it. If you join the new church they will often contact the old one to ask for a transfer of membership. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 It depends. Last time we left a chruch we had been there about a year, didn't feel like it was the right place. I talked to one friend at the church about it, she knew our reasonings, which weren't out of anger or anything. Afterward she quit talking to me, even though she assured me she understood. We simply quit attending and no one from the church every called to follow up, even though we had been going on a regular basis for a year. Which kind of cemented our reasons for leaving, if no one noticed we were gone, had they noticed we were there at all? Officially, I don't know, but it seemed loyalties stayed with the church for many people and our friendship didn't continue once we left. So don't be surprised if it feel a bit awkward with the people you do still see. They may not know your reasons for leaving (maybe none of their business either). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I don't think you owe the priest an explanation for why you are converting, but you should tell your kids' current godparents that you are switching denominations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I posted a similar question here a few years ago. We left our old church after 8 years. The pastor there conducted our marriage ceremony, dedicated our babies, and was a huge part of our life for a long time before, and during the time, we attended there. His family was like family to us. It is a tiny church, but we had a lot of close friends there. When we felt like the Lord was directing us to try different churches, my husband called our pastor, who did not take to it well. Patrick told him our reasons, and the pastor was not understanding or supportive. It was very bizarre and totally out of character for this man (so I thought) who had been so important to us for so long. Anyway, we found a new church almost right away. Patrick did not call the pastor back to let him know, which had been our intention. I did tell my best friend at the old church, and she cried and wouldn't speak to me for weeks (yes, a grown woman). Eventually we did talk again, but it's never been the same. Even her children won't speak to mine in public. So weird!!! It hurt me, but what could I do? We have seen the pastor and his wife out and about in town, and they are cordial to us. Not trying to discourage you, but I wouldn't want you to be surprised if people take it way to personally and get angry with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 If your church keeps formalized membership and you are changing denominations, I would write them a letter releasing your membership. A lot of people change churches and stay on the rolls, often without realizing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) It would depend on what denomination you are leaving. Growing up, my family left a United Methodist church. It wasn't out of disagreement or desire to go anywhere else. Church was just not a priority back then so we just stopped going. No hassle. I stayed good friends with people who stayed in until confirmation and beyond Had we joined another church, the new one would have notified our old one. To this day, that UM church has been fine to deal with, when I needed records awhile back. As an adult, I left a different type (non-denominational, independent) and it was a hassle. I lost every friend at the church and faced questions (ok, fine) and guilt trips (not fine). My parents were shocked at the grief I was given since it was so unlike what happened at the Methodist church. They thought I'd just be able to leave. I did send a formal letter to have my membership revoked or they otherwise would have kept me on record (as I think is the usual case). Had I joined a new one right away, however, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had offered to send a letter on my behalf. Best wishes and I hope it goes smoothly for you. Edited October 15, 2012 by Clairelise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 Since it doesn't appear that you are leaving any specific responsibilities in the church, or that you have any particular issues with the church that need to be addressed, I wouldn't say too much. I would tell your personal friends and that is it. If you join the new church they will often contact the old one to ask for a transfer of membership. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferB Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) When we first began our inquiries into Orthodox Christianity we were very open to everyone that was special to us, which was a big chunk of the congregation and leadership of our non-denominational church. Our hope was that everyone would understand, if not support us. It ended very badly however. Our close friends are still close, well most of them. We lost all of our activities though and our support system. We had to start almost completely over. I don't think there's any perfect way to leave, and I don't regret being open. I would be open again if we were to do it all over again. Just be yourself. This verse helped me get over the disappointment of the reactions we got. "The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe." Edited October 14, 2012 by JenniferB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I think it depends on the denomination you are leaving and which you are entering. In the Catholic church, I know they keep records of formal membership with the parish you belong to, at least here. I'm not sure about other denominations. You said priest, so I assume you mean Catholic, Orthodox, or maybe the Episcopal church (you are leaving). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyCrazyMama Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) We were not involved in any ministries and as our attendance tapered off rather than being abrupt we just left quietly. This was a small town, non-denominational, church (think town of 500) that we attended for 5 years. My oldest son still goes and so people have asked him where we have been but no one has so much as called me but to be fair I haven't called them either but that's just the way I always am. So I guess it was a fairly neutral experience, I do miss some of the people sometimes.:) Edited October 14, 2012 by Happyhomemama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I would ask the new church if they will send an official letter to the church you are leaving. If not, you can call or email the church to tell them of your new membership. Just a heads up- some churches tend to ignore your new membership and will continue to send you emails and newsletter seven years later! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 14, 2012 Author Share Posted October 14, 2012 We are leaving the Episcopal Church, heading to Orthodoxy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 It depends. Last time we left a chruch we had been there about a year... We simply quit attending and no one from the church every called to follow up, even though we had been going on a regular basis for a year. Which kind of cemented our reasons for leaving.. Officially, I don't know, but it seemed loyalties stayed with the church for many people and our friendship didn't continue once we left. this is what happened to us, but in a not nice way :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I don't see why your kids need new godparents unless you want different people than you have now. My godparents were not of the same denomination as me. I agree w/ pp who said to write a letter asking them to remove you from the member list after you change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 We are leaving the Episcopal Church, heading to Orthodoxy. I just wanted to say that I think it is right to talk to their godparents, but you can interchange the word "sponsor" with godparent if it would help to ease the conversation. What lucky kids who are going to potentially have two sets who will pray and love on them! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I don't see why your kids need new godparents unless you want different people than you have now. My godparents were not of the same denomination as me. I agree w/ pp who said to write a letter asking them to remove you from the member list after you change. Not all groups allow this. If she is becoming Orthodox the godparents will have to be Orthodox. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I don't see why your kids need new godparents unless you want different people than you have now. My godparents were not of the same denomination as me. I agree w/ pp who said to write a letter asking them to remove you from the member list after you change. Not all denominations allow this; in the Catholic Church at least one Godparent must be an active, practicing Catholic - the other *can* be any other Christian denomination, but most parishes voice the preference that both are Catholic. I'm not sure about the Orthodox church, but I imagine it is similar; here the Orthodox church and the Catholic church are pretty friendly and I know our co-op (Catholic) allows Orthodox membership, so I would assume they are pretty similar (idk though). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 We told the people we were closest to that we were leaving. Some of those friendships survived. As previous posters have mentioned, sometimes loyalty to a particular church runs greater than loyalty to the individual people who were in it. The people we continued to be close with were people that we already saw outside of church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Just an fyi, if you convert as a family you can also (depending on your Priest) potentially just have one couple sponsor the whole family. We have two couples who have sponsored various members of our family. One couple has 4 of us, the other two. Later we were asked why we didn't just have the one couple sponsor everyone. Honestly, we didn't know that we could have the one couple sponsor us all, but I wouldn't change it. We really love both couples! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) I am sorry. Edited October 15, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Not all groups allow this. If she is becoming Orthodox the godparents will have to be Orthodox. Do the children actually HAVE to get new godparents? I understand that at the time of baptism the godparents make certain promises, but for many families the godparent ends up being more of a favorite aunt/uncle in terms of execution (and potentially as the guardians of the children if wills are written that way). Is it because the children would have to be baptised into the new church? I'm honestly curious about the logistics of converting with children. I completely understand that any new babies they have would need godparents in compliance with the new church's rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 When we entered the Orthodox Church this spring, we all needed sponsors, or godparents, even though we were not being rebaptized. The godparents promise to make sure the person is being taught (and is living!) the Orthodox faith, so it's important that they actually BE Orthodox. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 What do you say to those with whom you still want to have a relationship? Do you say something to the minister? Do you ask for your membership to be revoked or does the next church you go to do something with that? While there are certainly things we don't like, there's nothing particularly awful about where we are, we are switching denominations. I worry that some will take offense to this though. The priest at the church we are leaving is brand new. We've only seen him a couple of times and have no relationship with him. Honestly, there are only a couple of people we'd want to keep in contact with. One is in our homeschool group, so we will still see. I'm meeting her tomorrow for the kids to get together and I know she's going to ask where we've been the past couple of weeks. The other couple are our childrens' godparents but haven't really talked to us outside of church in a couple of years. Making it even more awkward in DH's mind is that once we officially are part of our new denomination, our children will need new godparents of the new denomination. He feels that we owe it to their current godparents to say something even though they haven't taken the role seriously thus far. So, how is this sort of thing properly handled? It depends a lot on the other group. I was able to stay in fellowship with my former church through their women's book club. I think it lasted about 2-3yrs because I got tired of the book club (Loved the people - just tired of book club). I've been able to stay friends with some people from my former churches, but it takes effort and doesn't always work. It's just never the same as when you see them week to week. I would definitely express to the homeschool group leader your desire to keep the relationship going. Hopefully there won't be any big issues between doctrines that would keep them from wanting you. Is there a rule where you can only join the group if you're a member of the parish? Good luck - it's hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Since it doesn't appear that you are leaving any specific responsibilities in the church, or that you have any particular issues with the church that need to be addressed, I wouldn't say too much. I would tell your personal friends and that is it. If you join the new church they will often contact the old one to ask for a transfer of membership. :iagree: I think the only good way to leave a church is quietly and alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Warning on the Episcopal Church--you may still get mailings from them 15 years later. I've written and emailed and called but the state newspaper still arrives! I shred it as I don't want to see (in a huge font) the glory of women pastors. They have been relentless. LOL. Same with the Lutheran Church. I feel bad because it's such a waste... I just throw it in the trash. I have tried writing, calling, and having my BIL (who is an LCMS Pastor) contact them and I'm still getting those magazines. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Do the children actually HAVE to get new godparents? I understand that at the time of baptism the godparents make certain promises, but for many families the godparent ends up being more of a favorite aunt/uncle in terms of execution (and potentially as the guardians of the children if wills are written that way). Is it because the children would have to be baptised into the new church? I'm honestly curious about the logistics of converting with children. I completely understand that any new babies they have would need godparents in compliance with the new church's rules. The godparents/sponsors have to be Orthodox and in good standing. They actually become members of your family in the spiritual sense and their kids cannot intermarry with your children, as they are considered siblings in a sense. Here is the only article I found that I sorta liked. http://www.pemptousia.com/2012/04/the-role-of-godparent-is-an-awesome-responsibility/ People are human though, and although we hope the best for these relationships things happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferB Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 :iagree:I think the only good way to leave a church is quietly and alone. If the members of your former church are your close and true friends, I disagree. Friends are open with each other. You don't have to announce it from the mountain tops, but close friends and pastors you are close with should be involved in the good-bye process, ideally. IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicCole Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Recently had to leave a church that we had been actively involved in. It was difficult to do but at the same time what was right for us. I slowly let go of my obligations there. And quietly left, sharing with my closest friends there only. The pastor did try laying a guilt trip and questioned my moral judgment for making my decisions. Don't be surprised if people cut you out of their lives from the church. It is hurtful. Give it time and some will come around and others not so much. There are some who will refuse to acknowledge your presence if you see them around town. And you will find those rare friends who are true and that is a gift. They are truly brothers and sisters in faith. I do not regret making the change in our lives. It has enriched our lives in so many ways. However with growth sometimes comes tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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