Trish Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 How much is she going to show by December? I don't know that I would explain anything to your daughter at all. The guests might notice she's pregnant, but probably an 8-year-old wouldn't. (haven't read the rest of the thread to see how far along she is, so disregard if it's 7-8 months...) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I wouldn't mention it; your children are pretty young and most likely will never put 2 & 2 together unless it's being pointed out to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 The big problem here it seems are the gossipy relatives. No offense, but why should everyone be talking about it? If your sil is already upset, why should they be so insensitve? I would also mention to them to refrain while dd is around. I'm not sure I'd have the big TeA talk at 8. My dd understands how babies are born/concieved, but sh still thinks it happens once you are married. I like my TeA talks in age appropriate stages. JMHO:) I know, this whole thread started with a plea for *us* to be on good behavior -- I see nothing but well wishes in this thread. The gossipy relatives are the problem! Can't anyone be discreet for a couple of months? Sheesh. Anyway if this 8-year-old is going to be getting the news from THEM, might as well have the whole slide show. You can and should do your best to phrase things compassionately, of course, but it sounds like DD is going to get whatever perspective your family chooses to take, whenever they choose to talk about it. And that may or may not be the same as yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 My grandmother simply said once, "Everyone makes mistakes and choices that are not ideal. Some sins are more noticeable than others." It happens. How it is settled will be between GOd and the aunt on judgement. In the meantime, rejoice that she has found a good man and is going to have a treasured baby. Both are blessings. :iagree: This is the sort of thing I would use if your dd becomes aware of the pregnancy. If she does not I would leave the subject alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 God was the baby daddy. :lol::lol::lol: (I'm going to hell for laughing at this.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 The big problem here it seems are the gossipy relatives. No offense, but why should everyone be talking about it? If your sil is already upset, why should they be so insensitve? I would also mention to them to refrain while dd is around. I'm not sure I'd have the big TeA talk at 8. My dd understands how babies are born/concieved, but sh still thinks it happens once you are married. I like my TeA talks in age appropriate stages. JMHO:) :iagree:with the bolded. I'd stand up for SIL and tell the gossipy relatives to stick it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I was 20 when I went to my cousin's wedding. He and his bride were also pregnant and I knew it but didn't think much of it because she didn't look pregnant. Fast forward 15 years and I'm looking at their wedding picture. She was very much showing. DEFINATELY pregnant. So, if I as a 20 year old would not notice or think much about anything but the wedding, I doubt an 8 year old would unless she is very observant. She won't be doing the math like most of their friends and relations who didn't know. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 According to a history teacher in the 8th grade, that is because the couple-to-be would have to conceive before the marriage. There weren't many people, and the need for pro-creation to increase the population was very high. If a couple couldn't conceive, they couldn't marry. Don't know how accurate it is, but it makes sense to me! my 8x greats in 1600s CT were chastised for something and their first child was born 6-7 months after their wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quad Shot Academy Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I doubt it will be a big deal. One of my best friends was recently 9 months pregnant. I said something about her having the baby soon and my 8 year old said, "Mrs. X is pregnant?" She was huge! A family member of ours lied about her due date and went into labor and had a "premature" baby. The only problem was that the baby that was 2 months early was 10 lbs! ;) She had more explaining to do for the lie than she did getting pregnant out of wedlock. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Frankly, I wouldn't bother telling her anything. They're getting married in a couple of months. Your daughter is 8. This won't even be on her radar. :iagree: My ds will be 8 next week. He has NO CLUE how long a pregnancy is. He wouldn't give it a second thought that his aunt got married and had a baby. Of course, this wouldn't be a problem in my house because my answer has always been God knows the day you will be born and the day you will die. It is all in His plan. Marriage - no marriage - it is all God's plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 What you said is not a bad starting point for a conversation with your dd. You may need to reframe it for her level of maturity -- 2 loving people who had wanted to get married, stumbling in their hopes to wait for sex, but deserving of some grace for their human-ness. Perhaps it would also be a good time to add in your views on what the ideal would be, and what your views on how/when grace should be extended. So perfectly said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Don't say anything. She's getting married. When the baby comes, then she had a baby. Your daughter is eight. She doesn't need details or added information. :iagree: That said, coming of a family where this seems to happen ;), by the time the child is able to count the months, she's also mature enough to understand why sometimes this happens, and Audrey's response is so very perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!" That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it. I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex. 34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Don't say anything. She's getting married. When the baby comes, then she had a baby. Your daughter is eight. She doesn't need details or added information. :iagree: I remember when I was old enough to figure it out. I felt like I joined the exclusive "grown-up club" where I could understand phrases such as, "she *had* to get married, if you know what I mean" and "hmmm, everybody's going to be counting the months on this one" ;). It sounds as if a baby will be joining a loving family. That's a good thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 We are very close to my husband's sister, and she has been like a second mother to my kiddos....She is 34 and has been seriously dating a guy that we all love, and it's been a matter of time before they were to get married. However she just found out that she's pregnant. They are now planning a December wedding. Coming from a conservative Christian perspective, but one that is filled with grace given the realization that we are all imperfect, how do I explain this to my daughter? We haven't yet had the talk.... and this of course, complicates things. I've resigned myself that I suppose this is the opportunity to give her all those books I've been saving up… Thoughts? how would you handle this? ETA: this is not me judging or trying to make it a deal. This is is a big deal to SIL....she is disappointed and thus is far from their ideal. Not everyone is thrilled to get pregnant outside of marriage. Please respect and be tolerant of viewpoints that are different from your own. Anyway- They are both semi conservative Christians and were trying to abstain from s3x...therefore this pregnancy is difficult althought they are humbly thankful for it. I simply wanted advice on how to frame this for my child because she WILL hear about it. If you feel the need to judge me, start your own thread :) Possibly this is ignorant of me but I would not 'frame' it at all unless your dd brings it up. She is 8, you have not gone there yet. Your sister will be married before the baby is born so tech. she will get her baby after the marriage.;) Personally, I think we needlessly give kids info many times when they aren't ready for it. Not much help, huh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but Deuteronomy 20 actually tells men that are going to war to have sex with the women they are betrothed (but not yet married to). I would take from this that if the engagement is a serious one (meaning binding for them, full intention of marriage), that sexual relations aren't sinful. Betrothal in ancient times was in general much more binding that modern engagements, but for devout Christians, it usually is about the same (just no paying with goats!). You might make your SIL feel better if you point out that passage -- Deuteronomy 20:7. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ApronMama Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I was raised in a conservative Christian family. When I was your dd's age, a my cousin was married and his bride was definitely showing. It was a good opportunity for my parents to begin talking to me about our family's values and expectations (my cousins aren't Christians) and the cousin's behavior didn't affect my choices later later on. If you really want a complicated story, imagine my dad's confusion at age 60 when he discovered that his parents had been married and divorced before he was born, and remarried about 6 months before he was born. (No, the second marriage didn't last either). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eloquacious Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Wasn't there some historian who did research on the colonial birth rate, and discovered that the average baby born in New England in the early 18th century in New England was born 7 months after its mother's wedding? :lol: And that was the average, so plenty were born, um, even more premature. There really isn't ever anything new under the sun. And it's hard to get more Christian than early 18th century New England. Yes, this is what I've been thinking the whole time. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eloquacious Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 According to a history teacher in the 8th grade, that is because the couple-to-be would have to conceive before the marriage. There weren't many people, and the need for pro-creation to increase the population was very high. If a couple couldn't conceive, they couldn't marry. Don't know how accurate it is, but it makes sense to me! I read that it had more to do with the practice of "bundling," which is depicted in the movie The Patriot... Presumably not all bundles were so effective. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Wasn't there some historian who did research on the colonial birth rate, and discovered that the average baby born in New England in the early 18th century in New England was born 7 months after its mother's wedding? :lol: And that was the average, so plenty were born, um, even more premature. There really isn't ever anything new under the sun. And it's hard to get more Christian than early 18th century New England. Yep and it was the Puritans....:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eloquacious Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Not helpful to the initial question, but fascinating. http://www.history.org/foundation/journal/holiday07/court.cfm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I read that it had more to do with the practice of "bundling," which is depicted in the movie The Patriot... Presumably not all bundles were so effective. ;-) :001_huh: And again, I learn something new at the Hive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 There is a lovely story in the Bible about this very set of circumstances...I just cannot recall the exact book it is found in. Ah yes the New Testament. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garddwr Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Best wishes for navigating a challenging situation! I would just like to put in a plug for pulling out those books and explaining how babies come about as part of your strategy. It sounds like your daughter is going to be learning one way or another that pregnancy isn't just a result of marriage. If you don't explain, she may formulate her own less correct ideas about how it actually occurs. I remember being about that age and having picked up only some very vague ideas about reproduction and being worried that I was going to somehow get pregnant if I got too close to boys... My own kids know how babies are started, they also know that God designed s*x to be between a husband and wife but that, like with every commandment, people make their own choices. If something like this happened in my family I would address it as someone made a mistake just like we all make mistakes sometimes, that is what repentance and forgiveness are for, it is the whole reason for Christ's atonement. And our role is to love them and all support them and rejoice in the blessing of a new baby in the family. It sounds like that is how you are responding, and I think your children will benefit from seeing that response. Blessings, Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Mom has a saying, "The first baby can come at any time... all the rest take 9 months." ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!" That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it. I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex. 34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :) :iagree::iagree: Back in my gp day when it was very socially taboo to have children out of wedlock, there were many, many women who got married after they found out they were pregnant. It's nothing new. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Rittenhouse Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 You say nothing, your daughter is eight. It shouldn't be on her radar at this time. It is my personal opinion that the woman's due date and wedding date are really none of my business. I only can affect my actions and not those around me. I would tell them congratulations, once on their wedding day an once when the baby arrives. I would heartily mean it both times and then leave it be. It's not about me and my views at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 You say nothing, your daughter is eight. It shouldn't be on her radar at this time. It is my personal opinion that the woman's due date and wedding date are really none of my business. I only can affect my actions and not those around me. I would tell them congratulations, once on their wedding day an once when the baby arrives. I would heartily mean it both times and then leave it be. It's not about me and my views at all. :iagree: I would say something if they independently noticed, but I wouldn't bring it up. I think that Sylvia especially wouldn't even notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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