A visitation/funeral WWYD?

[Canadianmumof5]

UPDATE in post #31

****

 

 

I need some help ladies.

 

DH's grandmother passed away on Monday. She was almost 101.....and lived completely independently until she was 95!!! She was a firecracker until dementia set in the last few years. We are all amazed by her.

 

The funeral mass is Thursday morning. Of course we will all be there.

 

There is also visitation at the funeral home tomorrow afternoon and again tomorrow evening. We aren't expecting loads of people since she outlived pretty much all of her friends. It will be mostly family.

 

Here is the tricky part - DH is the coach of DS11 and his baseball team. They were supposed to have their playoff game(s) this past weekend but everything got rained out. The semi-final game is tomorrow night :(. If they win, they play in the championship game on Friday night. If they lose,season is done. DH is torn about what to do. He is the head coach and has done a really great job with these boys.

 

He is thinking of going to the afternoon visitation only and then going to the game. I will stay at the visitation for the afternoon and evening. His family isn't in agreement and think he and DS should miss the game and be at the funeral home.

 

What do you think?

Edited August 16, 2012 by CanadianMumof4
Update

[ChocolateReignRemix]

His plan sounds reasonable and respectful.

[tmulcahy]

My dad died last Wednesday, so this hits home. I think your son and your husband should be at the visitation.

[Starr]

I don't know the family's funeral customs but I'd be inclined toward the game if the funeral was over and there was plenty of family with the children of the deceased.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Dh's grandma was also 101 when she died, and I think she would be mad at dh if he missed something like that for her funeral. He'll be there in the afternoon, he'll be there for the mass. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal if he misses one part of the visitation.

[labst60]

Well - that's a tough one....

 

In one sense, it's entirely his call - so no one (his family) shoudl guilt him into going...

 

But in another sense, his mom/dad/etc (whoever is pressuring him) could anticipate that the viewing would be emotionally difficult for them and find his presense reassuring. Because, afterall, those things are really to help the LIVING, right?

 

So - I think I would just point out to him that "so-and-so" may just be giving him a hard time b/c they are grieving and were hoping to have him there - and then leave the decision entirelly up to him - without any regard to what the hive voted!

[Aggie]

So sorry for your family's loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman!:grouphug:

 

Where would you like your dc to be when your parents pass away?

 

This will be a lesson that sticks with them for a long time.

 

BTW, why did they schedule 2 visitations? I've never heard of that.

[Canadianmumof5]

My dad died last Wednesday, so this hits home. I think your son and your husband should be at the visitation.

 

:grouphug:

I am so sorry about your dad.

[PeacefulChaos]

Dh's grandma was also 101 when she died, and I think she would be mad at dh if he missed something like that for her funeral. He'll be there in the afternoon, he'll be there for the mass. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal if he misses one part of the visitation.

 

:iagree:

[Canadianmumof5]

Dh's grandma was also 101 when she died, and I think she would be mad at dh if he missed something like that for her funeral. He'll be there in the afternoon, he'll be there for the mass. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal if he misses one part of the visitation.

 

That is exactly what DH told his parents!! His grandma was the one who played ball with him when he was little!

[fraidycat]

I'm confused why there is two visitations, anyway. If this were my DH and DS, I'd tell them to go to the game. One visitation and funeral mass is enough.

[Canadianmumof5]

So sorry for your family's loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman!:grouphug:

 

Where would you like your dc to be when your parents pass away?

 

This will be a lesson that sticks with them for a long time.

 

BTW, why did they schedule 2 visitations? I've never heard of that.

 

I am not sure why people do this? I think maybe to accommodate those that an make it during the day and those that can only come in the evening? I don't have a lot of experience with funerals but this seems to be the way people do things here?

 

As for your question, I get that. Thank you.

[katilac]

I think his plan is more than reasonable.

 

If the game is near enough that he could make an appearance at the evening visitation, it would be nice to make the effort to do so. Could he go late to the game?

 

Your ds should defnitely go to the game.

[labst60]

2 visitations is pretty standard where I am from. My grandmother had 3 which was excessive - but it was just the way things fell with a holiday. 2 is always what my family (both sides) has done.

[Canadianmumof5]

I think his plan is more than reasonable.

 

If the game is near enough that he could make an appearance at the evening visitation, it would be nice to make the effort to do so. Could he go late to the game?

 

Your ds should defnitely go to the game.

 

Unfortunately the funeral home is not close to the game (45mins away). Game is from 6-8:30pm (give or take) and visitation is 7-9pm. If it was closer together, it would be easier perhaps.

[bettyandbob]

That is exactly what DH told his parents!! His grandma was the one who played ball with him when he was little!

 

 

 

Then, I really think he should go to the game. Funerals and visitations are not for the person who died. Since his grandma played ball with him, I would think coaching the game is a great way to remember her.

[Annie G]

 

 

 

Then, I really think he should go to the game. Funerals and visitations are not for the person who died. Since his grandma played ball with him, I would think coaching the game is a great way to remember her.

 

:iagree:

[Farrar]

It would be one thing if he was going to miss the funeral, but there are three things. He's going to two and this isn't just any game. Agreed with others that it seems very reasonable to miss the second visitation.

[OrganicAnn]

I would ask his mom or dad (whoever's mother she was) for guidance. It is his dad or his mom that is the primary mourner.

 

I think if he attends as much of the visitation as he can, then it is okay to also do the game. He also has a commitment to the team.

 

Those long visitation, sometimes family even take breaks for a few hours if they need to get away. So unless his family is deeply offended by it, I think it would be okay.

[TranquilMind]

Dh's grandma was also 101 when she died, and I think she would be mad at dh if he missed something like that for her funeral. He'll be there in the afternoon, he'll be there for the mass. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal if he misses one part of the visitation.

 

I agree with this. I think Grandma would be fine with it. It's not like he's skipping out on everything.

[homeschool mom]

I agree with OrganicAnn. Often family attends everything, but steps out for a few hours to take a break or grab a bite to eat. He should be able to go coach the game and spend enough time paying his respects.

[Pawz4me]

He is thinking of going to the afternoon visitation only and then going to the game. I will stay at the visitation for the afternoon and evening.

 

I think your plan is very reasonable.

 

I don't think it's reasonable to have two visitations and a funeral and expect everyone in the family to be in attendance for every minute of it. I assume the purpose of two visitations (which I've never heard of) is to give mourners who wish to pay their respects some flexibility. That same thinking should be extended to the family.

[Tress]

I think your plan is very reasonable.

 

I don't think it's reasonable to have two visitations and a funeral and expect everyone in the family to be in attendance for every minute of it. I assume the purpose of two visitations (which I've never heard of) is to give mourners who wish to pay their respects some flexibility. That same thinking should be extended to the family.

 

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

I think your plan is very reasonable.

 

I don't think it's reasonable to have two visitations and a funeral and expect everyone in the family to be in attendance for every minute of it. I assume the purpose of two visitations (which I've never heard of) is to give mourners who wish to pay their respects some flexibility. That same thinking should be extended to the family.

 

:iagree:

[southcarolinamom]

His plan sounds reasonable and respectful.

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

 

 

 

Then, I really think he should go to the game. Funerals and visitations are not for the person who died. Since his grandma played ball with him, I would think coaching the game is a great way to remember her.

 

:iagree:

 

It's not as though he was blowing off the funeral; it's just one part of the visitation. I'm sure his grandmother would prefer he be out doing something with your ds, than standing around a funeral home talking about work and sports with a bunch of relatives with whom he'd already spent the afternoon.

 

 

Oh, and for anyone who hasn't heard of two visitations, I guess it must be a regional thing, because I known very few people to do less than that. When we were kids, when someone died, the wake was 2 days (both afternoon and evening visitations,) plus a brief viewing on the morning of the funeral, plus the funeral, and a brief service at the cemetary, and then off to a restaurant for a catered meal together. If you had less than that, people thought you were cheap. :tonguesmiley: I think most people were secretly relieved when a few renegade family members started a "new" tradition of just one afternoon and evening viewing (plus all the stuff on the day of the funeral.)

Edited August 15, 2012 by Catwoman

[Harriet Vane]

He will be at the funeral mass and at most of the visitation. I think it's fine for him to finish the season with his team. His relatives are understandably emotional and are blowing this out of proportion.

[Catwoman]

He will be at the funeral mass and at most of the visitation. I think it's fine for him to finish the season with his team. His relatives are understandably emotional and are blowing this out of proportion.

 

Or else they're just annoyed that they have to be there the entire time, and misery loves company.

[PrairieSong]

I think his plan is very reasonable. If it were *my* funeral, I would not want him to miss this important game! It sounds like his grandma wouldn't either. Hopefully his parents will understand. It would be different if it were a faraway tournament where they would both have to miss the whole thing, funeral, visitation, etc.

[Unicorn.]

That is exactly what DH told his parents!! His grandma was the one who played ball with him when he was little!

 

Then she would want him to go to the game, and his family needs to get over it.

[Canadianmumof5]

** UPDATE **

 

DH and DS are currently at their baseball game.

The visitation this afternoon went well - as well as these types of situations can go. I think that everyone was just really uptight in anticipation of how the day would unfold. Anyway, if my in-laws were upset about them going to the game tonight, they didn't say so.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and hugs - once again, the Hive comes through as the voice of reason.

[momto10blessings]

I think his plan sounds fine. If it was his child/spouse/parent he would be required to go to each visitation. One of my grandmothers had 3 visitations and the other had 2. I only went to 1 of each. My parents did not expect me to go to more than 1. When my dad died I went to all 3, but my kids only went to 2 and his other grandchildren only went to 1.

 

Good luck to your son and husband. Win it for Grandma!

[Parrothead]

Dh's grandma was also 101 when she died, and I think she would be mad at dh if he missed something like that for her funeral. He'll be there in the afternoon, he'll be there for the mass. To me, it wouldn't be a big deal if he misses one part of the visitation.

:iagree: Go to the game. Probably with grandma's blessing.

 

Visitation is for the living not the dead.

[BigMamaBird]

If Grandma was a firecracker, I imagine she wouldn't want her Gr-Grandson to miss his Championship game. Go out there, LIVE and win it for her!!

[Canadianmumof5]

I am sitting here very impatiently waiting to hear how they did!!! The suspense is killing me!!