Our kids and future regrets

[marbel]

What do you think is the parents' role in helping their kids anticipate the future and avoid doing (or not doing) things that may cause regret?

 

Some of you might remember my thread about requiring their Boy Scouts to reach Eagle. One comment I hear over and over is that men who get close but don't achieve Eagle Scout end up with regrets as adults. I know one Scout Dad who is pushing his boys hard to reach Eagle, all because he wishes he'd done it himself.

 

But I don't want to limit this thread to Scouts. There are other things. Music lessons come to mind. Over and over I hear people warn against letting kids or teens quit music because they'll regret it as adults.

 

What do you do when your kid/teen wants to quit something and you think it's the wrong thing to do? Do you make them obey you and continue to do something they don't like?

 

We let our son quit piano after a couple of years because he wasn't going anywhere and the cost - financially and to our relationship - was too high to force it. I don't regret that and doubt he will. But, he might. I can't imagine going through another 4 years of forcing it.

 

No one wants their kids to have regrets if they can help it. I also don't want my kids to come to me in 20 years and say "why did you let me quit X? You should have pushed me more!" At one point does the child/teen own it, in your opinion? Does the type of activity make a difference?

[Catwoman]

What do you think is the parents' role in helping their kids anticipate the future and avoid doing (or not doing) things that may cause regret?

 

Some of you might remember my thread about requiring their Boy Scouts to reach Eagle. One comment I hear over and over is that men who get close but don't achieve Eagle Scout end up with regrets as adults. I know one Scout Dad who is pushing his boys hard to reach Eagle, all because he wishes he'd done it himself.

 

But I don't want to limit this thread to Scouts. There are other things. Music lessons come to mind. Over and over I hear people warn against letting kids or teens quit music because they'll regret it as adults.

 

What do you do when your kid/teen wants to quit something and you think it's the wrong thing to do? Do you make them obey you and continue to do something they don't like?

 

We let our son quit piano after a couple of years because he wasn't going anywhere and the cost - financially and to our relationship - was too high to force it. I don't regret that and doubt he will. But, he might. I can't imagine going through another 4 years of forcing it.

 

No one wants their kids to have regrets if they can help it. I also don't want my kids to come to me in 20 years and say "why did you let me quit X? You should have pushed me more!" At one point does the child/teen own it, in your opinion? Does the type of activity make a difference?

 

I think your sentence about the Boy Scout dad says a lot. Many parents will never let their kids quit anything they start, and say it's so the kid doesn't regret it later. What that often says to me is that the parent regrets not doing the exact same things, so they want to live through their kids and force them to do all of the things they themselves didn't do.

 

I believe that parents need to step back and think about their child and that child's personality, hopes, and dreams, rather than think about their own personal regrets. If you know your kid and really believe he or she will feel badly about not achieving a specific goal, that's one thing, but if you always wanted to be Prom Queen, you need to realize that maybe your kid has no interest in the same thing, so maybe you should back off and let the kid make her own decisions.

[Heather in Neverland]

I think it depends on the activity and the child's ability.

 

For instance, my oldest ds fought me Every. Single. Week. on taking piano lessons from age 8 to age 14. But he has talent, a natural ability. So I made him keep going (I'm one of those people whose mom let her quit and I am still mad at my mom for it).

 

This summer, after fighting me on it for 6 years, ds discovered that he LOVES piano. I nearly fainted.

 

However, ds has zero athletic ability. We put him in a few different sports to try out when he was younger and it was downright painful to watch. So we let him quit. There was no point in pushing it. If he'd had the ability we may have forced him to stick it out longer as we see value in it.

 

I guess you have to decide what hills you are going to die on and what will be the greater loss, quitting or not quitting. It will be different for everyone.

 

.

[Kathryn]

I think your sentence about the Boy Scout dad says a lot. Many parents will never let their kids quit anything they start, and say it's so the kid doesn't regret it later. What that often says to me is that the parent regrets not doing the exact same things, so they want to live through their kids and force them to do all of the things they themselves didn't do.

 

I believe that parents need to step back and think about their child and that child's personality, hopes, and dreams, rather than think about their own personal regrets. If you know your kid and really believe he or she will feel badly about not achieving a specific goal, that's one thing, but if you always wanted to be Prom Queen, you need to realize that maybe your kid has no interest in the same thing, so maybe you should back off and let the kid make her own decisions.

 

:iagree: my mom did the same thing with me. The things she hated being forced to do, she wouldn't let me do even though I begged, because she thought they were worthless. The things that she always wanted to do but wasn't allowed are the things that I was forced to do. My regret is that she didn't let me be me in those things.

[Crimson Wife]

The things I regret about the way my parents raised me are the academic opportunities they either didn't allow me to have (a proposed grade skip, private high school) or didn't know enough to push when I was reluctant (CTY, which was marketed to me by my school as a "search for geniuses" and nobody ever mentioned cool summer camps if I qualified). I was horribly bored throughout school growing up and my parents seemed to take that as just the way things are for bright kids (they kept reassuring me that college would be better, which it was but 13 years is a L-O-O-N-G time to wait for intellectual challenge).

 

I may err on the side of pushing too much on the academics for my kids, but I want so much better for them than I had.

[blondeviolin]

I agree with Heather. My parents put me in private violin lessons after two years of orchestra in public school and at the recommendation of my instructor. My teacher was a violin nazi with nearly nothing nice to say about hardly anything. She was precise and picky. She was also GREAT. My lessons were half an hour away on Friday evenings, which meant I could never do sleepovers or anything else on Friday evening. For four or five years, I dreaded these lessons and wished I'd had the nerve to tell my parents I hated it. I couldn't, though, because my dad and my mom were so proud of me. YEARS later, I realized what that violin nazi taught me and the valuable lessons thy were. While it was miserable and I wanted to quit, I'm very glad I didn't.

 

All of my kids will take piano - partly because our home has a strong emphasis in music, partly because I believe in the good things learning music can teach a child, partly because it is a great gateway instrument to music. If they want to quit, they can once they reach the ability to play most songs out of our hymn book. They also will be encouraged to pick a different instrument.

 

When it comes to sports, it depends. We have started our kids' sport activities with swim lessons because I view swimming is an important skill to have and my kids love it. The oldest has decided that she wants to take gymnastics this year and I'm okay with that. She can swim, she doesn't care to perfect her form, doesn't care about racing or whatever. And that's fine. She loves gym and is practicing of her own volition. My oldest son tried a few gymnastics courses, but decided he wants to go back swim. We are pleased with that choice for him. We see a real passion in him there. The only bummer is that he will have to wait a little over 2yrs to advance to swim team even though he's nearly ready form-wise now.

 

So I think it depends on the kids and activities. Take all of this with a grain of salt, though... My kids are still little!

 

I think it depends on the activity and the child's ability.

 

For instance, my oldest ds fought me Every. Single. Week. on taking piano lessons from age 8 to age 14. But he has talent, a natural ability. So I made him keep going (I'm one of those people whose mom let her quit and I am still mad at my mom for it).

 

This summer, after fighting me on it for 6 years, ds discovered that he LOVES piano. I nearly fainted.

 

However, ds has zero athletic ability. We put him in a few different sports to try out when he was younger and it was downright painful to watch. So we let him quit. There was no point in pushing it. If he'd had the ability we may have forced him to stick it out longer as we see value in it.

 

I guess you have to decide what hills you are going to die on and what will be the greater loss, quitting or not quitting. It will be different for everyone.

 

.

[marbel]

Thanks for the responses. I enjoyed reading everyone's perspective.

 

So, what I'm seeing overall is this: we can't relive our own lives via our children, and we need to know them well enough to understand their natural talents and interests so we know how best to lead them.

 

Makes sense to me!

[Catwoman]

Thanks for the responses. I enjoyed reading everyone's perspective.

 

So, what I'm seeing overall is this: we can't relive our own lives via our children, and we need to know them well enough to understand their natural talents and interests so we know how best to lead them.

 

Makes sense to me!

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Haiku]

No one wants their kids to have regrets if they can help it.

 

I guess I am an anomaly because I don't feel this way. My job as a parent is not to shield my children from regrets. It is to raise them with the tools to think through their lives and make their own decisions, which will inevitably involve mistakes and failures. That's not inherently a bad thing. Having the emotional skills and resources to deal with those mistakes and failures is, to me, a lot more important than not ever having any regrets. You cannot control life. Living such that any regrets are considered a negative increases the chances that you will be unprepared to move forward when you have a setback.

 

Tara

[elegantlion]

I try not to live out my regrets through my child. As it turns out he and I are a lot more similar in nature, I see that more as he gets older. He's also stubborn and can easily state what he doesn't want. So we discuss a lot of thing, why foundational training in whatever is important, why this skill is important, etc, etc.

 

I try to thread his interests back to activities. He's very much a big picture guy who needs to see why something is important to keep doing it. Everything is that way.

 

He's not into sports or musical instruments, but he's tried some of each, just not his thing. He will happily engage in something he's interested in, but balk, whine, and be generally non-compliant about things he'd rather not do.

[catz]

I do push a little bit when it comes to stretching my kids, because academics come do easily to them. And that goes beyond general academics.

 

Right now, both my kids take music lessons. My older is naturally talented at piano and does great with it. At age 11, I doubt he will choose it as his ultimate calling (although I wouldn't be surprised if it does help him somehow. He's very interested in theater and performance). I feel like I'm having to reign his piano teacher in. :001_huh:

 

My 8 year old started violin at 4. She does great for her age, is the youngest in her group lesson, learns quickly, loves group playing opportunities. Every single day practice is a mental struggle for her. She leaps fast when she's willing to just cut loose and try. If it weren't, I can't imagine where she'd be right now. The thing is she is like this about EVERYTHING that seems new or different to her! This is one way for her to work through some perfectionist tendencies in a incremental way. She would love to quit. I told her when she has some challenging activity to replace violin, we can talk about quitting. And when she's in the middle of playing with a group, she loves it. At our house, music is part of our education. If she were at school, they'd be choir singing, learning recorder, etc. A year from now she can be in orchestra, and if if after a year or 2 in orchestra she's not a fan, I'll consider letting her give it up. Especially if she has her claws in some other time consuming and challenging activity.

 

I took 7 years of violin growing up and quit in high school. I do regret quitting and do not regret a day I practiced or sat through a difficult lesson. My parents also didn't look for academic ways to challenge me and I made it my business to blend into the wallpaper at school. Violin was the one thing that allowed me to work at my pace and be challenged.

 

I do let them try and give up activities after they complete a session or season, but we have required them to be doing something active. Same 8 year old is driving me nuts because she's taken dance and floor acrobatics for a while now. Well all of a sudden all she talks about is gymnastics gymnastics gymnastics! Curse that American Girl McKenna and the Olympics. So I'm not saying anything, and quietly looking to see if I can get her into low key gymnastics class to try. I really love her current activities because they're performance based and not competition based and she's so sensitive. Her acro couches (including one who coaches a competitive gymnastics team) are always bragging on her, so I know she would do great in a gymnastics setting too. Meh.

 

I do require my kids learn to swim and get through the red cross levels. We live in the land of 10,000 lakes and water based parties and I just don't see any options. I know a family that lost their 6 year old this summer at a pool party. :crying:

 

Anyway, this is a hard balance here too. My oldest kid goes into actitives with an open mind at least and will stick out a session with a good attitude and a yeah or neigh for that activity. The younger is so emotional and creates her own troubles. I'm not trying to create a life of no regrets. I'm trying to teach my kids to have a work ethic, which is not something that comes easily to them.

[kroe1]

What do you think is the parents' role in helping their kids anticipate the future and avoid doing (or not doing) things that may cause regret?

 

Some of you might remember my thread about requiring their Boy Scouts to reach Eagle. One comment I hear over and over is that men who get close but don't achieve Eagle Scout end up with regrets as adults. I know one Scout Dad who is pushing his boys hard to reach Eagle, all because he wishes he'd done it himself.

 

But I don't want to limit this thread to Scouts. There are other things. Music lessons come to mind. Over and over I hear people warn against letting kids or teens quit music because they'll regret it as adults.

 

What do you do when your kid/teen wants to quit something and you think it's the wrong thing to do? Do you make them obey you and continue to do something they don't like?

 

We let our son quit piano after a couple of years because he wasn't going anywhere and the cost - financially and to our relationship - was too high to force it. I don't regret that and doubt he will. But, he might. I can't imagine going through another 4 years of forcing it.

 

No one wants their kids to have regrets if they can help it. I also don't want my kids to come to me in 20 years and say "why did you let me quit X? You should have pushed me more!" At one point does the child/teen own it, in your opinion? Does the type of activity make a difference?

 

Great question! But, unfortunately, it doesn't have a great answer. If one pushes his kiddos toward lots of extra-curricular successes, he's going to find his adult kiddos complain of not having enough family interaction. If one avoids extra-curricular successes, then his adult kiddos will complain there wasn't enough motivation from parents. It's a no-win question, in my opinion. I think the trick is to teach kiddos to appreciate life, whatever it brings.

 

:)

[Night Elf]

But isn't there also a chance that the kid will grow up resenting being pushed to do something because his parents thought he'd regret it? What's worse, regret or resentment?

 

To be honest, I cannot think of a single regret from growing up, but I can think of resentments. My regrets stem from my early adult years when I was married and no longer under the rule of someone else. I regret choices I made, but I have no resentments.

[Kaleidoscope]

Regrets build character. I expect my kids to have them.

 

I have regrets and resentments both. Both shaped who I am. I definitely struggle with resnment more than regrets.

[Catwoman]

Regrets build character.

 

I disagree. I think regrets hold people back from happiness and success, rather than encourage it. Regrets can also make a person very unhappy if they tend to dwell on past failures.

[Catwoman]

But isn't there also a chance that the kid will grow up resenting being pushed to do something because his parents thought he'd regret it? What's worse, regret or resentment?

 

My vote goes to resentment as being worse in this case, as if it's a matter of something like regretting the fact that you quit piano lessons, you can always take them when you're older.

[LibraryLover]

I don't know if I would use the word 'regret'.

 

I more like to think of encouraging the child to get over bumps in the road. If they are taking piano lessons, fi, and they generally enjoy those lessons, but they get to a place where it becomes difficult, I want them to work through that. All of my kids have had times when they got teary over something difficult. They needed to feel some degree of success to keep going. I encourage them to play the pieces they know well over and over again, then go to the newer, harder ones. Remember when the easy ones were difficult.

 

I think quitting something you hate is legitimate, or if you realize your child isn't coordinated or large enough to play a particular sport. Quit and move on. But to quit when it's difficult when you are capable of going forward? That's when I encourage them to slog on.

 

My dd sometimes says "I hate ballet", when she gets a new pair of pointe shoes. She knows it's going to hurt, and she dreads it. But she also knows the thrill of breaking them in, as well as she knows the lump she gets in her throat when she knows they are 'dead'. She told me the other day that she kept thinking (during a two hour barre session), " 'Why am I doing this?' But then I looked at my feet in the mirror. My 5th position turnout was nearly perfect. It hurt, so I knew. I thought, 'That's why I am doing this' ."

 

Sometimes I want to say "Quit!" But it's not up to me. If my child does quit, I want it to be for the right reasons.

 

I think it can difficult, and our kids are their own people. If an adult says they regret their parents let them quit piano (because the kid was crying all the time and refusing to practice), they have to own whether it's important enough for them to start up again. It's never too late. If you blame your parents for such a thing as an adult, you've got some thinking to do. It's no longer their responsibility. Pick up the phone and find a piano techer.

Edited August 14, 2012 by LibraryLover

[mycalling]

I want my kids to understand that there can be regrets for not doing things. I was only taught about regrets from the things that were done and so I lived in fear of making bad decisions...thus my usual decision was to do nothing. I have lots of regrets of the things I didn't do.

 

That said, if my children tried something and found they didn't like it or weren't good at it, they have the option to quit after giving it a real effort and understanding of why. We convinced our older boys to do one last year in wrestling this past Winter and they truly hated it. Lesson learned.

 

I think kids grow up to regret the things they quit because their memories warp and their likes change. It doesn't change who they were and what their experiences were at the time in their childhood.

[catz]

I don't know if I would use the word 'regret'.

 

I more like to think of encouraging the child to get over bumps in the road. If they are taking piano lessons, fi, and they generally enjoy those lessons, but they get to a place where it becomes difficult, I want them to work through that. All of my kids have had times when they got teary over something difficult. They needed to feel some degree of success to keep going. I encourage them to play the pieces they know well over and over again, then go to the newer, harder ones. Remember when the easy ones were difficult.

 

I think quitting something you hate is legitimate, or if you realize your child isn't coordinated or large enough to play a particular sport. Quit and move on. But to quit when it's difficult when you are capable of going forward? That's when I encourage them to slog on.

 

My dd sometimes says "I hate ballet", when she gets a new pair of pointe shoes. She knows it's going to hurt, and she dreads it. But she also knows the thrill of breaking them in, as well as she knows the lump she gets in her throat when she knows they are 'dead'. She told me the other day that she kept thinking (during a two hour barre session), " 'Why am I doing this?' But then I looked at my feet in the mirror. My 5th position turnout was nearly perfect. It hurt, so I knew. I thought, 'That's why I am doing this' ."

 

Sometimes I want to say "Quit!" But it's not up to me. If my child does quit, I want it to be for the right reasons.

 

I think it can difficult, and our kids are their own people. If an adult says they regret their parents let them quit piano (because the kid was crying all the time and refusing to practice), they have to own whether it's important enough for them to start up again. It's never too late. If you blame your parents for such a thing as an adult, you've got some thinking to do. It's no longer their responsibility. Pick up the phone and find a piano techer.

 

Love this post! I think a big part of it is knowing how to read your own child and knowing the difference between true dislike of an activity and frustration with increasing levels of difficulty.

 

And I do feel it is perfectly valid, especially as a homeschooling parent, to choose something for your child to spend some time on a regular basis. Of course it should be chosen WITH your child in mind. But art, music, performance, and physical education are all important parts of a well rounded education that I'm glad my kids are having the opportunity to try, even if they don't want to go that direction. My DH and I are software engineers with strong math and science backgrounds, so I see the value of that too. I just see too many people in that industry with not enough people skills and a very narrow focus.

[Katy]

IDK about regrets, but the reasons we're homeschooling all have to do with our misgivings about our own schooling.

[angela in ohio]

I make them follow through on commitments. Other than that, once they are 14-16, I let them start making choices with a lot of input from dh and me. I have had long, long talks with them about every choice I've made in *my* life, and the things I want for them, so it is easy to discuss things that come up now.

 

I see a lot of Scout moms super involved and pushing, because they couldn't be Eagle Scouts. :lol: Ds knows we expect him to be an Eagle Scout. We also expect a very substantial project of him (not something piddly or something I do for him. :glare:) It's something he does with dh, so I don't think we'll ever have a problem with him wanting to quit, though.

 

As far as music, that's a required subject in our homeschool, just liek math, art, science, etc. They start in preschool with Kindermusik, then go to piano, and then can add or switch at around 8 or 9. They can decide whether they will play after they graduate. :D

[Kaleidoscope]

I disagree. I think regrets hold people back from happiness and success, rather than encourage it. Regrets can also make a person very unhappy if they tend to dwell on past failures.

 

I think that's a matter of how you respond to your regrets. It's a choice. Some regrets are fully out of your control so focusing on responding is my priority.

[Guest submarines]

:iagree: my mom did the same thing with me. The things she hated being forced to do, she wouldn't let me do even though I begged, because she thought they were worthless. The things that she always wanted to do but wasn't allowed are the things that I was forced to do. My regret is that she didn't let me be me in those things.

 

:iagree:I have the same childhood experiences. She never saw me as separate from herself.

[Guest submarines]

I guess I am an anomaly because I don't feel this way. My job as a parent is not to shield my children from regrets. It is to raise them with the tools to think through their lives and make their own decisions, which will inevitably involve mistakes and failures. That's not inherently a bad thing. Having the emotional skills and resources to deal with those mistakes and failures is, to me, a lot more important than not ever having any regrets. You cannot control life. Living such that any regrets are considered a negative increases the chances that you will be unprepared to move forward when you have a setback.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[Dory]

I don't know many people who don't wish that they had tried something different or had done something different. I quit piano early, and I wish I had gone further. My brother went further and wishes he had dropped it and picked up guitar earlier. If I just used that information to try and decide what to push my poor kids through, I would be stuck.

Sometimes kids need an extra push to achieve something that I know they are capable of, and that THEY, not me, will honestly enjoy some day and benefit from. If it isn't really going to help them in life, and they have tried and hate it, why push them. There's a million different things to try in life.

[kalanamak]

I also don't want my kids to come to me in 20 years and say "why did you let me quit X? You should have pushed me more!"

 

I would have never dreamed of saying that to my mother. I would have thought it very rude. I hope my son never says that! I would think it very rude. Life is too short to chew over whether one was an Eagle scout or not.

 

If my grown son said such a thing to me, I'd snort and tell him to straighten up and fly right.

 

I am reminded of a pillar of the community I know. She had a baby with a drug dealer as a teen. She foundered some years, and then one day, when she was thirty, she decided that she could do NOTHING about the past. Nothing about her lousy parents, etc. She decided to not regret one more thing and only look ahead. She finished college, she has a good job, she is close to her kids and grandkids.

 

Yes, my biggest disappointment would be if my son has such a poor attitude as an adult. (And was so rude.)

[mktkcb]

You know, you always have to take the personality of the child into consideration. What are their strengths. What is *worth* making them stick with, for them...not you. My kids are so totally different. I mean totally. So I've gone completely different ways with each of them. Oldest (now 21) did a lot of stuff casually. She could have been a great athlete, but we aren't a real sports oriented family, and she does NOT like intense competition in those arenas, so I never pushed it with her. But she did PE classes, gymnastics classes, Volleyball, Jr. Lifeguards, swim team all at different times. She really did love volleyball, but wishes there were a venue where she could continue to gain skills, but in a less competitive environment. She was musical, but not overly so, and really didn't want to do lessons. In high school she decided to self teach piano, and has made good progress over the years. But she's my intense logical mathematical one. Very much her own self, and now an engineering major in college. She always pushed herself, and made herself do things because she knew they were good for her. DD #2 - totally different animal. Emotional, artistic, musical, etc. She did similar things as older dd, but begged for violin lessons, which she has now taken since age 13 (she is now 19). She has owned that pretty much, and I don't make her practice. I made her do choir in hs even though she said she didn't want to blah blah. She loved it of course. She is VERY competitive. She is in taekwondo still, going for her black belt. Much more adventurous than dd1. I regret she never got to do ballet. It was/is very expensive where we live, and I just couldn't afford that when she was little. Her cousin does ballet with a much more affordable studio too far away for us. DD would have been fabulous at it. Then there is ds (15.5). Borderline aspie/adhd, and extremely musically gifted from day 1. He's been taking piano since age 8, but I do have to *make* him practice sometimes. He'd have quit umpteen times over if I'd have let him. Not happening. He needs to learn to persevere, and finish stuff, iykwim. He's a fabulous musician. He's in scouts also, interestingly enough, but don't know if he'll make Eagle or not. His troupe tries to get the boys through Eagle, but we'll see. Not a hill I'm going to die on, even though Dad was an Eagle. Anyway.....regrets? Sure, we all have some, but I feel like I've treated my kids like individuals, and haven't lived vicariously through any of them for the most part. They have all tried LOTS of different things, loved some, hated others. I hope my kids each got pushed where they needed it, and not where they didn't.

[Joshin]

Only a few things in childhood can't be accomplished as an adult. I mean, you aren't likely to become an Olympic gymnast at the age of 35! Most things can be mastered and excelled at even if you never did it as a child. A ton of famous musician's picked up their instrument as teens or young adults and scouting has awards for adult volunteers that are just as distinguished as the Eagle award is for youth. (In fact, as a scout leader I spend most of my time drawing boundaries for the boys with their parents. Parents are not supposed to push the boys too much to earn Eagle, it is supposed to be the boy who motivates himself. Grr, I wish parents had to read the leadership material....:glare:)

 

I guess my point is, we all end up with some regrets. My job isn't to protect my kids from regrets, but give them the tools to turn regrets into a positive. Bummed at 25 because you dropped out of youth soccer at 8? Great! Solve that regret by joining an adult league or coaching a youth team!

 

Now, I don't let my kids quit easily. We limit the extracurriculars they belong to. If they sign up for something they have to finish at least one season or one year. I think a kid can develop regrets for the things he did do just as much as the things he didn't, especially if he was forced to do something that took time away from something he enjoyed more.

[Mommy22alyns]

It was exactly the same situation here. They wouldn't even agree to let me do the weekly pull out GT class because they didn't want to drive me there.

 

I don't know what my parent's reasoning was.

 

For many years, I had zero extracurricular activities, period. That's one thing I will not do to the girls.

[Heidi]

If I complained and didn't want to do it anymore, my mom would let me quit. She kind of encourages it... still! "If something in life is hard, quit" -mom's motto. :( I won't go into how NOT well that has worked out for her.

 

So I tried a lot things growing up and quit when the going got tough and excelled at nothing at all. I regret that.

 

Now, I'm the opposite with my kids, of course. I've got a little bit of a tiger mom in me... it will take a lot of convincing to let my kids drop out of something. We'll see. They are still young. I do pay attention to what their strengths and desires are so that I can encourage excellence in something.

[TranquilMind]

What do you think is the parents' role in helping their kids anticipate the future and avoid doing (or not doing) things that may cause regret?

 

Some of you might remember my thread about requiring their Boy Scouts to reach Eagle. One comment I hear over and over is that men who get close but don't achieve Eagle Scout end up with regrets as adults. I know one Scout Dad who is pushing his boys hard to reach Eagle, all because he wishes he'd done it himself.

 

But I don't want to limit this thread to Scouts. There are other things. Music lessons come to mind. Over and over I hear people warn against letting kids or teens quit music because they'll regret it as adults.

 

What do you do when your kid/teen wants to quit something and you think it's the wrong thing to do? Do you make them obey you and continue to do something they don't like?

 

We let our son quit piano after a couple of years because he wasn't going anywhere and the cost - financially and to our relationship - was too high to force it. I don't regret that and doubt he will. But, he might. I can't imagine going through another 4 years of forcing it.

 

No one wants their kids to have regrets if they can help it. I also don't want my kids to come to me in 20 years and say "why did you let me quit X? You should have pushed me more!" At one point does the child/teen own it, in your opinion? Does the type of activity make a difference?

 

I do "push" if there is a natural talent. I try to do it diplomatically. Absent serious circumstances, we also require that they stick out what they try for a reasonable period.

 

But you don't really have to push too much or for too long when the natural talent is there. They just kind of gravitate back to it, and generally get praise and recognition for whatever it is they are good at, it seems.

 

I have not pushed much where there was no natural talent, like in soccer for my daughter. She did finish a season, and declined to play this year after a few practices due to scheduling and paperwork issues. Fine with us, so long as she gets some exercise.