Influencing a teen daughter not to cut her hair

[Shawna in Texas]

Oh really? Please tell me what values and ideals are represented by short hair.

 

It turned me into a harlot. :D

[Guest]

Well, I guess this thread is sufficiently long and fired up that it will get lumped in with the threads on crockpots, shoes on/off, shopping carts...:D

Hey Quill, did you know you'd start a keeper? :lol:

 

Well, I was thinking of telling you all that you should have teA 2ice a day; I've heard it's in the Bible. But I settled on vanity as sufficiently inflammatory. ;)

 

I think you handled it very well. :grouphug:

 

Most decisions like this in the teen years are impulse decisions. The best thing my mom did for me growing up was rather than say NO to everything, she said WAIT.

 

If I had wanted to chop off all my hair (and I did) she would say, "OK. Wait one month and we will revisit the topic."

 

Then if I still REALLY wanted to go through with it she would support me. This "wait" philosophy kept me from making many decisions I would have regretted.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks. That's a very good philosophy and one that works well for most adult choices, too.

[EKS]

Tell her how long it will take to grow out again if she doesn't like it (years). When you cut it that short, particularly if it's layered up the sides, it takes a long time just to get it into a bob (like over a year).

[Guest]

You know, I find this discussion fascinating.

 

I had long hair for much of my life. About a year after I went thru a major depression, I was called to be on a special retreat team for something called Cursillo. I decided to get my bra-length hair cut quite short. I felt like a nun, getting shorn. No, really, it was a spiritual experience for me. My hair had become part of my identity, and I wanted to do something to change, to let go--being of service at the Cursillo and cutting my hair are how I expressed that.

 

Hair length can symbolize something deeper. It obviously seems to, to you, OP. I don't think that is wrong. You have spent a long time talking about your fear of the discomfort you think your dd will experience if she cuts it short. (I know, you've solved it already--yay!--but here's a chance to go deeper.) Is there something else? Does longer hair symbolize something to you?

 

You don't have to answer. :D

 

My own dd's hair is special to me. I'll be totally honest and self-revealing, even if I'm a little shallow--I am glad she is attractive, because I wasn't at her age, and I am both feeling relieved that she won't have to go thru bullying about looks (tho it could be something else, who knows...) and feeling a little, well, like I'm living somewhat vicariously thru her. I have to be really careful about both of those things, and separate appropriately. It's easier because I'm aware of it and honest about it, and I'd encourage you to look at how much emphasis you put on her looks while you are trying to protect her from all the yuck that can happen for a teen.

 

And I want to give you this, too--:grouphug: because I don't think you are really shallow, I think you are a bit realistic about how others perceive appearances and don't want to have your "little girl" hurt, both because you don't want her hurt, and because you don't want to hurt.

 

Here's a pic, a "blow up" of my new avatar--just because it shows her amazing hair. LOL! Yeah, ok, maybe I'm totally shallow!

 

Thank you for the reasonable response. There seem to be so few of them here. I'm feeling some hate, personally.

 

Yes, it is a symbol to me. Long hair is a feminine symbol. I'm not a fan of girl hair that could be confused for a male and I'm not a fan of male hair that could be confused for a girl.

 

You probably are shallow, but come sit with me over here. We can be shallow together. Your DD's hair is almost the same as my DD's hair, but a little longer. Who can blame you for loving that hair? It is gorgeous.

 

I am a realist. Throughout this thread there are people saying appearance shouldn't matter. You are living in fantasyland. Appearance does matter and always will matter. People who take care of their appearance enjoy opportunities that those who do not care about their appearance never will. This topic goes far beyond whether my girl cuts her hair or not; I'm not even talking about that at the moment. I speaking to this fantasy fairy idea that you can color your hair rainbow and wear it in a mohawk and it will affect nothing. If you (general you) think this, you are wrong. Hair and clothing and makeup and piercings and tattoos and fingernail polish and shoes all conspire to tell the world things about you, whether you like the conclusion they will come to or not.

[Impish]

I love the 'wait and revisit' idea.

 

That being said, I've never been concerned w/hair length on my kids. Diva's had short hair, and now it's past the middle of her back. Princess' hair is shoulder length.

 

I also let Diva colour her hair.

 

*shrug*

 

Different families have different perspectives.

[Mamagistra]

"I don't aspire to look cute and I can't say I want my gorgeous daughter to look cute",I've done it to my own hair and it SUCKED eggs", -it sounds like your arguments are more about you and your feelings than her. "She's not happy that I "shot her down."- I'd worry that if she feels she can't talk to you about something as unimportant as cutting her hair what might she be unwilling to discuss in the future. FWIW-I think Emma Watson is sooooo much prettier with short hair-she just looked average before.

 

:iagree: But I'm just your average Amazon with a pixie crop.

Edited August 6, 2012 by Mamagistra
addition

[KungFuPanda]

 

I speaking to this fantasy fairy idea that you can color your hair rainbow and wear it in a mohawk and it will affect nothing. If you (general you) think this, you are wrong. Hair and clothing and makeup and piercings and tattoos and fingernail polish and shoes all conspire to tell the world things about you, whether you like the conclusion they will come to or not.

 

"We could BE something if we had the right haircut."

 

 

"does this haircut make me look like a boy?"

 

 

Sorry, Quill, but the thread has a life of its own now. :D

[Starr]

I think it's funny that everyone keeps bringing up Emma Watson. Where does the movie star get her hair done and how much does she pay? :lol:

[momofkhm]

At fifteen, I think she's old enough to decide how she wants to cut her hair. It's a fairly harmless means of self-expression, and if she's doing it for a good cause besides, I see no reason to tell her no. And you never know, it might end up looking really cute.

 

And it will grow out.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Thank you for the reasonable response. There seem to be so few of them here. I'm feeling some hate, personally.

 

Yes, it is a symbol to me. Long hair is a feminine symbol. I'm not a fan of girl hair that could be confused for a male and I'm not a fan of male hair that could be confused for a girl.

 

You probably are shallow, but come sit with me over here. We can be shallow together. Your DD's hair is almost the same as my DD's hair, but a little longer. Who can blame you for loving that hair? It is gorgeous.

 

I am a realist. Throughout this thread there are people saying appearance shouldn't matter. You are living in fantasyland. Appearance does matter and always will matter. People who take care of their appearance enjoy opportunities that those who do not care about their appearance never will. This topic goes far beyond whether my girl cuts her hair or not; I'm not even talking about that at the moment. I speaking to this fantasy fairy idea that you can color your hair rainbow and wear it in a mohawk and it will affect nothing. If you (general you) think this, you are wrong. Hair and clothing and makeup and piercings and tattoos and fingernail polish and shoes all conspire to tell the world things about you, whether you like the conclusion they will come to or not.

 

And what message do you believe is being sent by a woman with short hair?

[Guest]

Sorry, Quill, but the thread has a life of its own now.

I just don't know what took it so long. :lurk5:

 

 

And what message do you believe is being sent by a woman with short hair?

 

It depends. My point was that everything about a person's appearance contributes to what others perceive about them AND that people "do" their appearance in particular ways to (consciously or subconsciously) create perceptions.

[Moxie]

Yes, it is a symbol to me. Long hair is a feminine symbol. I'm not a fan of girl hair that could be confused for a male and I'm not a fan of male hair that could be confused for a girl.

 

 

Not all short hair looks like boy hair. I could post 1000 pictures of very feminine short hair.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

At fifteen, I think she's old enough to decide how she wants to cut her hair. It's a fairly harmless means of self-expression, and if she's doing it for a good cause besides, I see no reason to tell her no. And you never know, it might end up looking really cute.

 

:iagree:

[ChocolateReignRemix]

 

 

It depends. My point was that everything about a person's appearance contributes to what others perceive about them AND that people "do" their appearance in particular ways to (consciously or subconsciously) create perceptions.

 

So, what perception do you think women are trying to create?

[Guest]

Not all short hair looks like boy hair. I could post 1000 pictures of very feminine short hair.

 

You could, but we would disagree. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is rare that I see very short hair on a female that I think is beautiful. It generally only happens if the woman has so much else going for her that she would look good in a burlap sack, kwim? Think Halle Berry several years ago. Back when I cut my hair super-short it was Lorrie Morgan. I had a notion of cutting it like Lorrie Morgan. 'Course nothing else on me looks like her so...

 

 



[Guest]

So, what perception do you think women are trying to create?

 

It depends. I'm not going to take your bait as if I think all women with short hair are trying to say one thing. I don't think that and I don't have time to argue with you for two more hours because you jumped on something I said.

[Moxie]

You could, but we would disagree. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is rare that I see very short hair on a female that I think is beautiful. It generally only happens if the woman has so much else going for her that she would look good in a burlap sack, kwim? Think Halle Berry several years ago. Back when I cut my hair super-short it was Lorrie Morgan. I had a notion of cutting it like Lorrie Morgan. 'Course nothing else on me looks like her so...

 

 



 

Wow. I guess we would disagree. Short hair rocks!!

[meena]

My mom kept me from cutting my hair when I was younger. As a teenager, when I wanted to cut my hair she pressured me into keeping it long. I was a good girl, so I did what she wanted. When I was living on my own, I finally cut my hair--first to shoulder length, then pixie-short. My mom hated it and told me as much. I continue to go between pixie and shoulder length and LOVE it (so does my DH)! I resent all those years that my mom tried to force me into accepting her definition of what makes me feminine and beautiful.

 

What is the harm in letting your DD take a chance and letting her decide what she thinks of the outcome? From the perspective of someone who was in your DD's shoes in the past, I wish my mom had let me take those kind of chances.

[Soror]

Interestingly Halle Berry is one of the very few women dh thinks looks good with short hair. It is funny because I was discussing this with a friend and she was saying her dh preferred short hair. That same day my dh had a conversation at work with his coworkers (nearly all male) and the vast majority preferred long hair on women. I never even heard of a man preferring short hair until recently. I don't think that is odd in itself as for most societies women traditionally have long hair. Personally I see some women who I think look good with long hair and some with short. It works for me that dh prefers long and it works for my friend that her dh prefers short. Everybody can decide for themselves. I don't think having a preference is wrong, whether it is for short or long. We all have different preferences in the area of looks. Some women also like long hair on men, it is not my thing, but again not something I think odd or wrong as traditionally a lot of men had longer hair then they do now. I don't agree with the idea that men all have to have super short hair but dh and I disagree on that one.

Edited August 6, 2012 by soror

[Lady Florida.]

Do I think it's wrong of you to try and influence her? That depends. If you give her your opinion and explain why you feel that way, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you leave it there. If you continually harp on her about it, I'd have to disagree with you. As you said earlier in the thread, you aren't going to forbid it (or at least I think that's what you said), so tell her what you think then leave the decision to her.

 

Besides, her reason for wanting to cut it shows that she is beautiful, regardless of the length of her hair.

[Miss Marple]

I continue to go between pixie and shoulder length and LOVE it (so does my DH)! I resent all those years that my mom tried to force me into accepting her definition of what makes me feminine and beautiful.

 

Agree! Same thing happened with me. I *really* needed to be able to cut/style my hair as a teen. I was pathetically skinny and was a late bloomer. I truly felt like I didn't fit in. I was really good girl as well - no rebellion, etc. But my mom kept telling me that I would regret it, the style wouldn't work with my hair type, etc. The one that really didn't work logically, though, was telling me that men like long hair. I couldn't help but think that if a man only liked me for my hair, he would not be the man for me. I wasn't out to catch a man in junior high school for goodness sake! I just wanted to look like I belonged in the current century!

 

I was not a confrontational teen at all. I would never do anything behind my parents' backs so I waited until I was married to cut it. But I felt manipulated all the same.

 

FWIW, I discovered that my hair grows quite fast, and it works quite well in just about any hairstyle :)

[kubiac]

I am a realist. Throughout this thread there are people saying appearance shouldn't matter. You are living in fantasyland. Appearance does matter and always will matter. People who take care of their appearance enjoy opportunities that those who do not care about their appearance never will. This topic goes far beyond whether my girl cuts her hair or not; I'm not even talking about that at the moment. I speaking to this fantasy fairy idea that you can color your hair rainbow and wear it in a mohawk and it will affect nothing. If you (general you) think this, you are wrong. Hair and clothing and makeup and piercings and tattoos and fingernail polish and shoes all conspire to tell the world things about you, whether you like the conclusion they will come to or not.

 

Wasn't there a really famous and long WTM thread that started when someone asked why it was that some people don't maintain their appearances to a certain standard? I've always meant to read that thing through. If anyone has a link, I'd be curious to read it.

[KungFuPanda]

So, the long-hair die hards WANT their 15-year-olds to be more attractive to men? Got it. :D

[PeacefulChaos]

While I do agree that having wild hair colors, etc, gives the world a perception about you (general you, and note that this perception may very well be wrong And I think that people are beginning to have less of a negative response to these things because they are so often wrong), I also think that the best time to experiment with these things would be as a teen/young adult. Before one has the corporate world or anything like that to worry about.

Not really in response to anything in particular - just something that came to mind. :)

[Cassy]

So, the long-hair die hards WANT their 15-year-olds to be more attractive to men? Got it. :D

 

Do we try to make ourselves attractive for men? I always think that what men find attractive tends to be strange and unexplainable. The times I most fret about my appearance are times when I'm going somewhere I know there'll be a lot of attractive, well-groomed, immaculately dressed women. I even remember the relief when we started homeschooling of not having to worry how I looked to the other mums each day when dropping the boys at school.

 

Yet another twist to this tortured thread: who do those who like to look attractive do it for?

 

(Maybe it's just me. My mother actually told me when I was a little girl that she loved more when I looked nice than when I looked a mess. Unbelievable).

[PeacefulChaos]

Do we try to make ourselves attractive for men? I always think that what men find attractive tends to be strange and unexplainable. The times I most fret about my appearance are times when I'm going somewhere I know there'll be a lot of attractive, well-groomed, immaculately dressed women. I even remember the relief when we started homeschooling of not having to worry how I looked to the other mums each day when dropping the boys at school.

 

Yet another twist to this tortured thread: who do those who like to look attractive do it for?

 

(Maybe it's just me. My mother actually told me when I was a little girl that she loved more when I looked nice than when I looked a mess. Unbelievable).

 

Regarding the end... :svengo:

 

And I actually don't think women dress for men. I think most women dress for themselves first and other women second. I think hair is similar. We get our hair cut or colored a specific way because we want it. If we don't like it we change it even if other people love it. Which shows that in the end, it isn't about what others think at all. Even wanting to look as good as other women wouldn't make me keep my hair the length it is now. Nothing else matters to me other than I don't like it, and that is what I make my decision based on. :)

Let's be honest - when Im dressing for my DH, I can't go out in public. :tongue_smilie:

[Abigail4476]

Do we try to make ourselves attractive for men? I always think that what men find attractive tends to be strange and unexplainable. The times I most fret about my appearance are times when I'm going somewhere I know there'll be a lot of attractive, well-groomed, immaculately dressed women. I even remember the relief when we started homeschooling of not having to worry how I looked to the other mums each day when dropping the boys at school.

 

Yet another twist to this tortured thread: who do those who like to look attractive do it for?

 

When you're a teenager and you can be more carefree about these things is the perfect time to dress to please yourself. Later in life, it does become more important to dress to please your employer, your husband, etc. I say let them be fancy-free while they can! It's just another way of protecting childhood as long as possible. :)

 

(Maybe it's just me. My mother actually told me when I was a little girl that she loved more when I looked nice than when I looked a mess. Unbelievable).

 

Wow. I'm sorry. How hurtful for you. :grouphug:

[umsami]

Her hair, her choice. She might cut it short anyway. At least she's doing it for a wonderful cause.

 

Support her.

 

If she ends up not liking her short hair, then remind her of the great thing she did. It will grow back.

 

You can have short hair and stool look feminine. Think Audrey Hepburn. Think Halle Berry.

 

There are cultures were women almost never have short hair. It's considered shameful. Celebrate the fact that women can have short hair, medium hair, or long hair here and still be viewed as feminine.

 

I have very thick hair. I've had it short and I've had it long. It's much easier to deal with short--and looks better. But that's me.

 

Bite your tongue on this one, Mom. :)

[Lady Florida.]

 

If she ends up not liking her short hair, then remind her of the great thing she did. It will grow back.

 

 

Yes, this. I-told-you-so is not ever helpful.

[8circles]

Do I think it's wrong of you to try and influence her? That depends. If you give her your opinion and explain why you feel that way, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you leave it there. If you continually harp on her about it, I'd have to disagree with you. As you said earlier in the thread, you aren't going to forbid it (or at least I think that's what you said), so tell her what you think then leave the decision to her.

 

Besides, her reason for wanting to cut it shows that she is beautiful, regardless of the length of her hair.[/QUOTE]

 

:iagree:Especially what I bolded. My parents were very particular about what choices I was allowed to make due to similar reasons. Its actually quite hurtful & stifling & I think it made it very difficult to know who I really was / what I liked or didn't like.

 

Your daughter is showing just how beautiful she really is & I feel like you are saying that isn't as important as how other people see her. I agree that people do judge you or make assumptions about you based on your looks but IMO this falls into the category of "be the change you want to see". That may be what the world is right now, but I won't contribute to it if I can help it.

[pfamilygal]

Let her cut it!

 

I just chopped mine into a sassy little curly pixie (a little longer than what you're talking about).

 

I adore it. Dh hates it. Said I look like a lesbian. I told him that if by "lesbian" he meant "someone not sleeping with him that night" then he was absolutely correct. It is so easy and I don't wear it in a pony tail every day anymore!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I adore it. Dh hates it. Said I look like a lesbian. I told him that if by "lesbian" he meant "someone not sleeping with him that night" then he was absolutely correct.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

This thread is boggling my mind.

[Kaleidoscope]

I do know that my mom's refusal to let me cut my hair shaped our relationship. It just set a precedent of what I could expect from her. She pushed all 4 of her girls away and we all name the hair issue as the first big issue. We also all got married with the long hair she insisted we keep and immediately cut it off. She really made it into an ugly mess.

[Guest]

I love the tags you all have given this thread. :001_wub: The first one was still the best.

[Susan in KY]

:iagree: with this, and besides, her hair will grow back. It is just hair. She's got a good heart for wanting to donate it. Let her.

 

:iagree:Absolutely!

[Shellers]

I've been through something similar with my oldest (21). I told her she could shave her head bald after she graduated high school but until then, her hair stayed long. My DD didn't put up much a fight and just went along with what I said.

 

The weekend after she graduated high school, she went and cut her hair extremely short (donated her hair to locks of love). She kept her hair short for a few months and then grew it out long.

[EducationX2]

So, the long-hair die hards WANT their 15-year-olds to be more attractive to men? Got it. :D

 

I adore it. Dh hates it. Said I look like a lesbian. I told him that if by "lesbian" he meant "someone not sleeping with him that night" then he was absolutely correct. It is so easy and I don't wear it in a pony tail every day anymore!

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

Okay, I've managed to stay away, but come on. You two have me laughing now. :D

 

DD is 6.5. We've already dyed part of her hair pink once, and 6 months ago she made the choice to cut off 15 inches to donate to locks of love. For the record, I was not happy about it. I loved her long hair, and she knew it. But she also knew that it was her hair, and her decision, so she made it. It turned out wonderfully... If you ignore the whole, my baby turned into a young lady with just a haircut thing. :glare: (Why does that happen anyways!??!?!!)

She's cutting it again at the end of the month, and has been making noise about dying it again, if I can figure out a way to get brighter colors. (We didn't bleach before, so it was just a muted color, her hair is medium brown, so I'm not sure we'll ever get the color she's looking for without bleaching, and I'm not bleaching my 6 year old's head.... :001_huh: Expression is one thing, health is another!)

 

This thread has been very interesting though. Some viewpoints that I'd never even considered before.

[besroma]

I love the tags you all have given this thread. :001_wub: The first one was still the best.

 

:iagree: :lol: :lol: