Babysitter crossed the line with me...how to handle?

[Twinmom]

OK, I need some advice and a :chillpill: this morning! Yesterday, our regular sitter really offended me. I guess it's been coming for a while, but yesterday she finally crossed a line with me. I'm trying to figure out the best way to respond gracefully and contain any damage that may have been done. I think I may still be too upset to have perspective, but I'm working on it!

 

Here's the background: We recently moved to a small town in NC from Dallas, TX, leaving behind all our family as well as the pressures that were placed upon our kiddos...all four of whom have some minor special needs. We left behind our families and support system when we came, so for a while we had no babysitters or help of any kind. A few months ago, we joined a small church where many of our new friends use a woman in her 30s to sit for their kids. She came highly recommended and is a special needs teacher, so we thought that she would be a good fit. Our kids love her, we REALLY have needed the help due to traveling 3 hrs round trip 3x a week for DD's VT, so we were happy. As we got to know her better, we found that she was, to put it kindly, a bit dysfunctional. Not the kind that would be detrimental to the kids, but rather a very needy, insecure and clingy kind of dysfunctional. We figured we could work with it. Fast forward to yesterday: I had an important doc appt. and had arranged for her to sit with the kids. She had a last minute job interview (she was let go from her job at the end of last year!) and had to cancel, but was kind enough to arrange for the kids to go with a 17 yr old family friend of hers to VBS. When I arrived to pick them up, our babysitter was actually there at VBS with them! Apparently, she went over after the interview. I observed her removing "Thing One," our oldest 5 yr old twin, from the group session with a disgusted look on her face. DS was crying, obviously distraught. Nothing in particular was wrong, I think he just got tired and was a little freaked to be in a new place with so much activity.

 

She said that "she should have never brought them to VBS," that it was "too much for them to handle with "their issues." I turned to the 17 yr old and asked her if there'd been a problem...she said that no, nothing had gone wrong other than that the Things had had a wrestling match and needed to be briefly separated. Typical for them, they are very active. Our babysitter, however, was beside herself. She started talking about their "obvious ADHD and SID" and how difficult this had been for them, etc. It was VBS, for goodness sake! They've been in situations like this a thousand times and done fine! She was a mess about it, however...funny because she wasn't even supposed to be there. I had to take all the kids with me to VT (the 3 hr round trip thing) that afternoon, so she then offered (at 10$ an hr, of course) to come watch them so they could calm down. By the time I got home from VBS, I was stewing about her interference. So, I called her back and said, "no, please don't come over, I'm taking them with me." To my shock and surprise, she said that she'd just had a conversation with the twins' VBS teacher who just "happened" to be an OT. She said the lady had immediately seen the twins' "issues" and that she's tried to help them out. The lady supposedly suggested that I take the twins to a special school about 45 minutes away for these "great therapies" that will help them out tremendously. I took them to VBS, for goodness sake, not for an eval from a total stranger and my sitter! (And, before you ask...they've had an eval and they have not been diagnosed with either disorder! ADHD may be in their future, but they may also just be 5 yr old boys! :mad:).

 

Basically, the last 4-5 times she's been over, every time has ended with a discussion of my children's "issues" and how to handle them. She's "diagnosed" each one of them and dissected their behavior, of course all to me, partially where the kids could hear. I'm sick of it. It stressed me out and makes me not want to leave my kids with her. I'm an LCSW with 20 year of experience in the fields of mental health and child development, plus I know my kids. I know what their strengths and weaknesses are, and I do NOT need someone I've hired to babysit telling me what they need! And, even more importantly I did NOT give her permission to share the personal medical information I've given her about my kids with a perfect stranger! It makes me wonder whom else she's "shared" with and what others think of my kids now. My kids are challenging, but they have the right to privacy and to have the chance to be just kids.

 

So, no, we will NOT be returning to the VBS class next week. That is a given. My question now is what to do with the sitter. I need her help, but I don't need her to overstep herself as she has done. I need to leave my kids with someone who emphasizes their strengths rather than their weaknesses, who doesn't see problems but rather solutions, and will give them the chance to just be kids and have a normal childhood. I need someone who will protect their privacy, first and foremost. However, this gal and I attend a very small church together and I can't avoid her. Can't stop using her without everyone wanting to know why. If I talk to her about this, I have a feeling she will just crumble. I'm worried about what she's told others in the church about my kids and how I will handle that.

 

Grr. I think I'm going to have to suck it up and kindly confront her, but right now I can't do it "kindly" at all. Boundary issues really tick me off. Any thoughts on how to approach this?

 

Thanks for your help.

[Twinmom]

And, thanks especially if you've taken the time to read all that! I didn't realize how long it was! Guess I'm a bit upset...:o

[A.J. at J.A.]

Wow! I've got no words of advice but my heart goes out to you for sure! :grouphug:

 

If it were me, I would not feel compelled to use her again. Period. I don't care what others in the church would say/think/do. It is my child and I wouldn't want someone sitting for them who just thinks their job it to diagnose and improve instead of love and care for. The privacy issue is a big deal too, I don't think any amount of "talking" with her will change what she's already shared.

 

Sorry, I know you need the help, but I'm just not sure I would ever consider using her again.

 

Blessings & prayers!

Angela

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

Well, like you said - she shared confidential medical information. Enough done - she's "done" in my book.

 

I'm sorry you have to go thru this - i can related totally, we moved to FL from CA and left everyone behind. My parents followed, but i can't always count on them being there to help.

 

Did you click with the 17yo? WOuld you trust her with the kids that long? I'd go that route.....

 

your kids need to come first, and her crossing lines like she did helps make it easier to say it didn't work out.

 

:(

 

Not that doing that is easy either.... hopefully someone will post some great wisdom ::hug::

[elegantlion]

I would be offended. She is trying to be "outstanding in her own field" from what it sounds like. I think any issues with your children should be a private issue. That fact she was discussing it with someone else, "for the greater good" in her opinion, is truly a violation of your privacy.

 

A pastor at our previous church said a lot of prayer requests come as thinly veiled gossip. Her conversation with another was gossip, plain and simple. Much less the fact they were throwing labels at your children, without anything to back it up.

 

I would personally use her as a sitter until you can find a replacement. Or maybe use the 17 year old.

 

Don't worry what others may think, they're going to think what they want. You have to do what is best for your kids and your sanity.

 

Grr. I could say more, but I'll restrain myself.

[5Youngs]

Hang in there~

I wouldn't say anything to her, until you've had a chance to decompress.

Since she is only a babysitter, you don't owe her any explanation.

Just don't ask her for help anymore.

Sounds like talking to her would help, anyway.

And it sounds like she thinks that SHE is their social worker.

We've all been embarrassed before, so don't worry about what she may or may not have said to others.

We can't control that, ever.

 

High fives to you for adopting several times.

You are a hero in my book.

The world needs more people like you!

 

I'll pray that you have peace of mind.

Don't waste your precious time worrying about someone who isn't worth it.

Love on those kids and do something fun today!;)

Dawanna

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

:grouphug:

 

Well, I know it will be hard because you really need the help, but if it were me, she would be let go immediately. I have a son, much older than yours, but he has some health issues and he is a challenge. I am aware of it, everyone I trust him with knows it, and that's the last I want to hear about it. He has a battery of physicians that we work with, and we are handling it the best way we know how. The last thing I need is some lay-person sticking their noses into my parenting and my child's psyche to see what additional damage they can do. At 5 years old, I don't think it's even possible to point to ADHD as 5 year old boys are very very very active in and of themselves. :glare:

 

I'm so sorry you had to endure this. I wouldn't waste my time worrying about what anyone thought (but that's just the kind of girl I am ;)) she'd be fired so fast her head would swim! Let her sit home and analyze that!

 

That last statement was rude, and you can disregard it, but I still stand firmly by the rest.

[abreakfromlife]

I wouldn't be comfortable using her, either. If she is in her 30's, this gossiping is a long-ingrained habit. Not that she can't change.....but I wouldn't trust her anymore, and so I wouldn't be able to use her. If you need help, God will provide.

[nmoira]

If it were me, I would not feel compelled to use her again. Period. I don't care what others in the church would say/think/do.

:iagree:

 

If I'm reading the OP correctly, you've moved away from a stressful situation. Aside from the other issues, if your cortisol levels are higher after dealing with her, then that's more than enough reason not to do so.

[laughing lioness]

I agree with TracyS- she was talking too much- her job as babysitter is to protect and nurtur the kids and she was clearly NOT doing that. You clearly feel violated by her actions. I would start looking at other options. If she is job interveiwing you could easily say that you are finding someone who can be with you long term as you know that she is looking for a permanent position.

[A.J. at J.A.]

I wouldn't be comfortable using her, either. If she is in her 30's, this gossiping is a long-ingrained habit. Not that she can't change.....but I wouldn't trust her anymore, and so I wouldn't be able to use her. If you need help, God will provide.

 

That's exactly how I feel...I had been trying to figure out how to say it in my post above but couldn't get the wording right so I gave up.

[WTMindy]

Well, if you need her, I would just be very clear about your boundaries. Tell her, "I really appreciate the extra care you are giving my kids. But, I really don't want you diagnosing their issues, especially not in their hearing. We have had professional testing done, I have a lot of experience with this, and at this time we do not want to slap any labels on them. I know you have wonderful intentions, but this is very important to us. You give great care, but you need to trust that we are keeping a close eye on all the issues and we will deal with them as the needs arise."

 

I can understand if you feel that she has violated the trust beyond repair, but if you want to give her another try, it sounds like you'll have to be very direct.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this and I pray you will find a great support system for you in your new location soon!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I personally wouldn't continue using her. And I wouldn't worry about other people wanting to know why. As for the woman herself, I would simply tell her that it's not working out anymore, that you appreciate her help in the past, etc. After you've had time to calm down and forgive, you can, with a clear conscience, tell her "no hard feelings" if she pushes the issue.

 

You have a right to be upset about the boundary issues. And a right to protect your kids. You'll calm down in a little time.

[Danestress]

I'd email her something like this (wow, I really got carried away!)

 

"I really need your help and the kids love you, and we are happy to have you. But I have some major concerns and we need to just get this out on the table. I was upset that you discussed my children's needs and "issues" with someone who was a stranger to me (or really, anyone). I consider that a great violation of my privacy and my childrens' as well. I have actually spent a lot of money having my children professionally evaluated, so I don't need the unprofessional evaluations of my babysitter and a VBS worker. I'm surprised that a professional OT would evaluate my children in that setting and then pass her opinions on to my babysitter. Frankly, I find that incredibly unprofessional of her, and I will be letting the head of VBS know how I feel about that.

 

 

Finally, I need you to stop talking about my children in front of them as if they can't hear. I don't want you to talk about their "issues" in front of them. You can call me or email me privately of course.

 

I really appreciate the love and concern you have shown to my children. I know your intentions are good and that you want the best for my children. But I would feel the same way if my mother or sister or anyone else started evaluating my children in this manner. Believe me, I also want the best for my children and as a licensed social worker, I am well aware of the potential "issues" in my childrens' lives. I am not ignoring them, but I am addressing them in my own way on my own time table and in the way I believe is best for them."

[BMW]

I can relate to you needing sitters... I remember those days!! I spent hours interviewing teens from lists who had taken cpr courses and babysitting courses, etc. In my experience, a mature teen who loves children and is delighted to get some income worked better than an adult who would step in as "mom". Only my closest woman friends (2 of them over many years) worked as sitter for me because women tend to run things... teens, however, were more likely to do what they were told... I had check lists for them with instructions and phone numbers, etc.

 

So, I agree that you might consider just not using that lady and find others. Give yourself a little time to calm down and figure out what you want to say for when you do talk to her next. Although I would be uncomfortable about others having been told this woman's views on the children's issues, I'd continue on about my business with my chin up and loving my children and only bring it up if someone else did... then I would confidently say what I'd need to say, giving whatever info I felt was appropriate. You don't have to justify being mom and knowing your children and not taking her advice - You are qualified!:001_smile:

 

Hope my rambling helps a little,

 

Bee

[5knights3maidens]

Frankly, I would not use her. If the kids have to go with, take them with you. It's not worth the stress worrying what's going on at home. She sounds a bit "off". Especially for being in her 30's. No, I would find someone else.

[Amy loves Bud]

((Jennifer))

 

I have two thoughts.

 

1. Get rid of the sitter. You seem to be fully aware of any "issues" your children have and are dealing with them appropriately. If you need a regular sitter, I would find someone who understands that fact.

 

2. Don't be too hard on the VBS teacher. Her words were second hand from what would appear to be an unreliable source. You have no idea how put on the spot she was, or how manipulated her words were by the time you heard them. She may have been answering your sitter in very general terms, not necessarily specific to your children, and your sitter then turned her words into a diagnosis and recommendation.

 

I'm sorry. It stinks to be in a new place and need help like that, and then have it fall apart on you. I hope you find a suitable arrangement very quickly!

[jmgconner]

I would fire her, or rather, simply not ask her to babysit any longer. :grouphug:

[Twinmom]

Let her sit home and analyze that!/quote]

 

With the mood I'm in, that gave me a real laugh! Thanks for helping me decompress! :D

[Twinmom]

Well, if you need her, I would just be very clear about your boundaries. Tell her, "I really appreciate the extra care you are giving my kids. But, I really don't want you diagnosing their issues, especially not in their hearing. We have had professional testing done, I have a lot of experience with this, and at this time we do not want to slap any labels on them. I know you have wonderful intentions, but this is very important to us. You give great care, but you need to trust that we are keeping a close eye on all the issues and we will deal with them as the needs arise."

 

I can understand if you feel that she has violated the trust beyond repair, but if you want to give her another try, it sounds like you'll have to be very direct.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this and I pray you will find a great support system for you in your new location soon!

 

Very graceful response, Mindy! I hope that I'll be able to give her just that kind of response very soon, but I'm not capable of it just yet. I'll re-read it when I think I do it, because I think that's what I should say to her. I'm going to be in too much contact with her to do otherwise, whether or not I actually let her sit. She teaches in the boys' Sunday school in a church where the members number in the low hundreds...

[summer]

I would never hire her again, ever. I would not recommend her to anyone. I would also call the church and speak to the woman she supposedly spoke to who supposedly diagnosed your children and find out what really happened. My bet is, your sitter laid in with claims of all this bad behavior and the teacher/OT said if this is all true, it could be SID. Not that she told the sitter all this. I am betting it has all pretty much come from the sitter.

 

(((hugs)))

[tmkclscroggins]

I would talk to the 17 year old and see if she's interested. It sounds like from your post that she's pretty calm, cool and collected.

 

 

melissa

[woolybear]

It sounds like you don't need her. You need a babysitter, yes, but maybe not HER. She sounds definitely out of line to me and NOT a "good fit". I would look around for someone else. (((((hugs))))))

[Twinmom]

Ladies, I cannot thank you enough for all the support! I've actually been feeling a bit guilty for being so upset and considering firing her...I do not feel that way any longer. There is a part of me that wants to say she probably has a point (being that I know my kids are challenging) and to go easy on her. There's also a big part of me that wants to be non-confrontational. It's that female thing, I think. However, you are all correct. She is NOT the right sitter for us. I may be able to tell her kindly what went wrong, but I'm not sure that she is emotionally healthy enough to hang out 'round here! ;)

 

On the plus side, my mom is flying up here tomorrow to stay for a month. She's coming to help with the transportation for VT and with the other kiddos while I'm there. So, a natural break can happen, or at least a calming period! The 17 year old was terrific and I'd use her again. Between the two, I can manage long enough to find a more regular sitter for the rest of VT, I'm sure. I do know lots more people here now than I did when I first hired her!

 

Amy, you are right to caution me to go easy on the VBS teacher. I didn't even personally see her, not even for a minute. This could all be the doing of the sitter, who definitely does need the reinforcement of being considered an "expert!"

 

Wow, again, thanks for all the support. I thought I'd get hammered and be told to get a grip! :D

[WTMindy]

Ladies, I cannot thank you enough for all the support! I've actually been feeling a bit guilty for being so upset and considering firing her...I do not feel that way any longer. There is a part of me that wants to say she probably has a point (being that I know my kids are challenging) and to go easy on her. There's also a big part of me that wants to be non-confrontational. It's that female thing, I think. However, you are all correct. She is NOT the right sitter for us. I may be able to tell her kindly what went wrong, but I'm not sure that she is emotionally healthy enough to hang out 'round here! ;)

 

On the plus side, my mom is flying up here tomorrow to stay for a month. She's coming to help with the transportation for VT and with the other kiddos while I'm there. So, a natural break can happen, or at least a calming period! The 17 year old was terrific and I'd use her again. Between the two, I can manage long enough to find a more regular sitter for the rest of VT, I'm sure. I do know lots more people here now than I did when I first hired her!

 

Amy, you are right to caution me to go easy on the VBS teacher. I didn't even personally see her, not even for a minute. This could all be the doing of the sitter, who definitely does need the reinforcement of being considered an "expert!"

 

Wow, again, thanks for all the support. I thought I'd get hammered and be told to get a grip! :D

 

Sounds like a great plan, twinmom!!! How nice to have your mom coming.

[Harriet Vane]

I'd email her something like this (wow, I really got carried away!)

 

"I really need your help and the kids love you, and we are happy to have you. But I have some major concerns and we need to just get this out on the table. I was upset that you discussed my children's needs and "issues" with someone who was a stranger to me (or really, anyone). I consider that a great violation of my privacy and my childrens' as well. I have actually spent a lot of money having my children professionally evaluated, so I don't need the unprofessional evaluations of my babysitter and a VBS worker. I'm surprised that a professional OT would evaluate my children in that setting and then pass her opinions on to my babysitter. Frankly, I find that incredibly unprofessional of her, and I will be letting the head of VBS know how I feel about that.

 

 

Finally, I need you to stop talking about my children in front of them as if they can't hear. I don't want you to talk about their "issues" in front of them. You can call me or email me privately of course.

 

I really appreciate the love and concern you have shown to my children. I know your intentions are good and that you want the best for my children. But I would feel the same way if my mother or sister or anyone else started evaluating my children in this manner. Believe me, I also want the best for my children and as a licensed social worker, I am well aware of the potential "issues" in my childrens' lives. I am not ignoring them, but I am addressing them in my own way on my own time table and in the way I believe is best for them."

 

Fire her or let her know you are furious. This is a time for that Mama Bear to come out. I like the way Danestress said it above--whether you fire her or not, this is a good way to say it.

 

For someone who is boundary challenged, laying this out in writing can be good.

 

I think you have every right to be furious.

 

With your next sitter, you might consider telling that person, explicitly, ahead of time, that he/she is NOT to discuss your children with others.

[Twinmom]

Fire her or let her know you are furious. This is a time for that Mama Bear to come out. I like the way Danestress said it above--whether you fire her or not, this is a good way to say it.

 

For someone who is boundary challenged, laying this out in writing can be good.

 

I think you have every right to be furious.

 

With your next sitter, you might consider telling that person, explicitly, ahead of time, that he/she is NOT to discuss your children with others.

 

Oh, you got that right! One bitten, twice shy. I'd be foolish not to spell things out in advance with a new sitter after this experience!

[Twinmom]

Sounds like a great plan, twinmom!!! How nice to have your mom coming.

 

Yes, definitely! Mom comes with her own issues (but who doesn't!), but she'd NEVER sell her grandkids down the river as the babysitter did! And, SHE DOES LAUNDRY! :D :D

[Twinmom]

I want to rep so many of you, but I am out for the day! Check back tomorrow or the next day and I'll thank you in a bit more tangible way! ;)

[mommaduck]

As a former nanny...find someone else or take all kids with you. DO NOT, DO NOT bring that woman back!

[Twinmom]

My guess is that she had a bad job interview and was trying to point out her professional qualifications to make herself feel better about being a 30 yo babysitter. I say grab the 17 yo and dissmis the current sitter.

 

She needs to know why though, so that she can change her behavior. A short and to the point explanation about how you will not be using her anymore because she is inconsiderate about your children's feelings and sharing personal medical information w/o permission will do just fine.

 

I don't know how this particular interview went, though she said fine. However, I do know that during the one before it, she said she cried the whole time...not a good sign. Don't think she'll be getting that one.

[Twinmom]

As a former nanny...find someone else or take all kids with you. DO NOT, DO NOT bring that woman back!

 

I'd love for you to elaborate, seeing as how you are a former nanny and she is one as well!

[Remudamom]

I'm sure you've been told this. I'd dump her and I'd tell her it was because she gossiped about my children. Or you could say she shared personal info. Whatever. Then I'd go to the 17 yr old and see how she worked out, first letting her know that your children's privacy is of the utmost concern to you.

 

I found out once that our sitter, who is dh's niece, was not being nice to my ds. She was outta there, that day. Period. No more chances. I found it highly ironic that this summer she wanted my dd to watch hers. Said she was the only person she'd trust to watch her dd. We passed.

[HRAAB]

Reading it made me see red. The fact that she discussed your son's issues with another person would do it right there. I might ask the VBS teacher for her side. She would not be babysitting my children again.

 

I had a friend like this. She was always diagnosing my youngest, twin girls. She would send me links to articles, etc. She would point out behaviors in front of them. I don't need to have my children or my family analyzed, especially in front of me. I guess if she does it at her kitchen table, what I don't know won't hurt me. Maybe.

 

Anyway, I broke off all contact with her. Truthfully, she was the one with some serious emotional issues. I'm sorry for her, but I couldn't allow her to be around my children.

 

Do what's best for your children.

 

Janet

[Chris in CA]

ITA!

[bkpan]

Well, if you need her, I would just be very clear about your boundaries. Tell her, "I really appreciate the extra care you are giving my kids. But, I really don't want you diagnosing their issues, especially not in their hearing. We have had professional testing done, I have a lot of experience with this, and at this time we do not want to slap any labels on them. I know you have wonderful intentions, but this is very important to us. You give great care, but you need to trust that we are keeping a close eye on all the issues and we will deal with them as the needs arise."

 

I can understand if you feel that she has violated the trust beyond repair, but if you want to give her another try, it sounds like you'll have to be very direct.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this and I pray you will find a great support system for you in your new location soon!

 

(and 4 other dc! :tongue_smilie:) so I understand the very real need for good babysitters. I also know what a handful my dc are - 5 boys, oldest just turned 11yo. My twin boys are now 7yo. For that reason, I thought Mindy's post seemed very reasonable.

 

I guess that I would be upset as well, but I would also try to look at the motivation. If it was to be helpful, however misguided, that would probably lead me to try and work on the relationship. It would require a very direct conversation, but I would try to guide this babysitter to more appropriate boundaries.

 

That said, if you feel the relationship is damaged beyond repair, then of course you should continue looking for another sitter. I would just encourage you to assume the best of this sitter's intentions, even if you disagree with how she handled things.

 

Either way, your mother coming is perfect timing. It removes an emergency need for a sitter and gives you time to unemotionally assess the situation and look for other competent sitters.

 

Sorry for all the stress you have been under. I know it is hard.

 

Kim

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Wow, what an uncomfortable situation! I am not sure how I would react now, I know that I probably blow up on her so I would make sure I just held off a few days before I tell her anything. She should not have shared info about your children, that is not right to do! Whether you use her again or not (I would vote for not) I would certainly give it a few days for your thoughts to jell on what you want to say and how you say it. :grouphug:

[Twinmom]

That said, if you feel the relationship is damaged beyond repair, then of course you should continue looking for another sitter. I would just encourage you to assume the best of this sitter's intentions, even if you disagree with how she handled things.

 

You've got a lot of kiddos! :D We should get them all together and let them bounce off the walls!

 

You are right about this. She's not a healthy individual, but she is a sweet person who probably means well and didn't mean to be inappropriate. I realize that's giving her the benefit of the doubt, but the more I calm down the more I want to treat her as I'd like to be treated.

 

I'm dreading it, but I've gotta have that talk...

[Frontier Mom]

I would get rid of her immediately. Personally I don't think you owe her any explanation. You hired her to babysit your children, not diagnose them. Her unprofessional behavior is enough reason to not use her again.

 

I'm in NC and, if you let me know your general area, I could maybe recommend a friend of mine who homeschools and does speech therapy. She also has lots of contacts for other type of therapy which might save you that 3 hour trip. She is in Burke County.

[PineFarmMom]

OK, So, no, we will NOT be returning to the VBS class next week. That is a given. My question now is what to do with the sitter. I need her help, but I don't need her to overstep herself as she has done. I need to leave my kids with someone who emphasizes their strengths rather than their weaknesses, who doesn't see problems but rather solutions, and will give them the chance to just be kids and have a normal childhood. I need someone who will protect their privacy, first and foremost. However, this gal and I attend a very small church together and I can't avoid her. Can't stop using her without everyone wanting to know why. If I talk to her about this, I have a feeling she will just crumble. I'm worried about what she's told others in the church about my kids and how I will handle that.

 

 

The quoted part of that paragraph stood out to me. First, this isn't your first rodeo. You're not new to the issues your children have, so you really don't need an outsider, who you have hired as a babysitter and not doctor, to evaluate your children.

 

I think the rest of the paragraph stood out because that is exactly what you need in this situation is help from someone who will encourage them in their strengths and be a problem solver rather than a person who is offering unsolicited & uncalled for criticisms.

 

All that you said really cleared a situation up for me. I think that many (not all) people who are OTs (I'm sorry to any of you who are...I'm not directing this AT you) have the tendency to evaluate, to the discomfort and dismay of all around them, the problems of every child they come in contact with. One of my best friends (not anymore) did this repeatedly and continually to me during a time when I was at my weakest and was having a hard time with life anyway. It almost put me over the edge. I examined and critiqued my children to death because of her continual "evaluations" of my dc. The first time she ever did it was on my anniversery when all I had done was ask her to babysit my children. She ended my date with my husband with a very critical and unpleasant run-down of how messed up my 18-month-old son was...I was so hurt and upset. Praise God I started watching her do this to basically every child we came in contact with, and the reality came to light, that SHE was an extremely unhealthy and insecure person, and this was like a sport to her, finding the chinks in everyone's armor.

 

The whole thing makes me so very angry for you because I believe I know her thought processes, and it's just so wrong, and it has most to do with her insecurity and little to do with you or your children's best interest. I can say that I wouldn't feel comfortable having a free, unsolicited evaluation every time I just needed a babysitter...the stress and annoyance is just too high on that to me. I may be a little (more than a little) biased on this, so take my opinion for what it is worth to you. :) Sorry...I'd just be fuming mad about that.

 

 

T

[Twinmom]

I would get rid of her immediately. Personally I don't think you owe her any explanation. You hired her to babysit your children, not diagnose them. Her unprofessional behavior is enough reason to not use her again.

 

I'm in NC and, if you let me know your general area, I could maybe recommend a friend of mine who homeschools and does speech therapy. She also has lots of contacts for other type of therapy which might save you that 3 hour trip. She is in Burke County.

 

Double post, sorry!

[Twinmom]

I would get rid of her immediately. Personally I don't think you owe her any explanation. You hired her to babysit your children, not diagnose them. Her unprofessional behavior is enough reason to not use her again.

 

I'm in NC and, if you let me know your general area, I could maybe recommend a friend of mine who homeschools and does speech therapy. She also has lots of contacts for other type of therapy which might save you that 3 hour trip. She is in Burke County.

 

I'm committed to that 3 hr trip at this point, as she's about a 1/3 of the way through tx, but I'd still love to hear about it. I'm not far from Burke County...I'm in Catawba Co. Got two kids in speech therapy, too!

[2cents]

WOW! IMO she overstepped and violated your trust. I wouldn't worry about sugar-coating it-I'd give her the pink slip. Maybe her behavior has a lot to do with why she had difficulty keeping employment. I suspect you are not the only employer she has stressed out. Trust your gut and get her out of your lives. Good luck!

[Twinmom]

WOW! IMO she overstepped and violated your trust. I wouldn't worry about sugar-coating it-I'd give her the pink slip. Maybe her behavior has a lot to do with why she had difficulty keeping employment. I suspect you are not the only employer she has stressed out. Trust your gut and get her out of your lives. Good luck!

 

That's my gut feeling, yes. Esp. since she cried during that interview...wow. Sweet girl...needs help.

[HomesteadMommy]

:grouphug: I honestly would never use her again. If your going to use a sitter you need some one you can really trust. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you for letting her go. Do the best thing for your family. :)

[mommaduck]

I'd love for you to elaborate, seeing as how you are a former nanny and she is one as well!

 

A couple of different reasons:

 

She discussed your children's medical/developmental issues with someone else...and not just some random relative of hers like it was in passing. No, it was to a professional that came into contact with your children and she was seeking recommendations on what to tell you to do. It was more the "I know better than you" attitude I sense, than the "I was wondering if you'd considered doing..." with a modest and acknowledging your role vs hers in the matter. I would NEVER have spoken to my boss that way. Yes, I was the child's caretaker; I was NOT the child's parent, however and I recognised my role as one that is to help assist, but not to act as though I knew what was better for the child even if I disagreed with the parents.

 

Loudly mentioning their (erroneous...as she gave them a misdiagnoses) issues in front of them and others and with irritability. Not that a nanny doesn't get irritable...but it sounded like she was humiliating the children or at the very least creating a bigger scene than the children's ruckus caused.

 

 

A nanny or babysitter must be willing to change thinking enough to bend and provide the kind of service the parents are looking for. You hired a loving provider...not someone to diagnose your child. And in this case, it can quickly snowball to your provider questioning your every decision and ability to care for your own children. It just set off warning signals to me.

[Frontier Mom]

Then we are neighbors!! I live in Lincoln Co. but used to be in Burke County. Let me know anytime if you want any referrals or anything else from her. Just PM me.

[Twinmom]

I pm'd you!

[Twinmom]

And in this case, it can quickly snowball to your provider questioning your every decision and ability to care for your own children. It just set off warning signals to me.

 

You are so very right on all points! This particular quote above really stood out to me. I'd not thought of that. All that I need is for one of my kids to throw a tantrum (it's been known to happen! ;)) and for her to call CPS on me for not handling it as she sees fit. Hadn't thought that far ahead, but I can see it happening.

 

Thanks!

[Laurie4b]

We have similar backgrounds (was LCSW until I shifted careers).

 

There is no question whatsoever in my mind that you should fire her. Sharing the medical info about your children is clearly grounds for firing her. I would tell her that is why you are firing her. But frankly, I also have deep concerns about someone who fills their neediness through too much glomming on to other people's children. I know someone like this, and she creates havoc under the guise of helping. Her m.o. is to butter up the parents for a while, offering all kinds of help with the kids, all the while steaming about how inadequate of a job the parents are doing and that she could be doing better. Eventually, that seeps out into the community, and all kinds of boundaries are crossed. Your description of your sitter sounds an awful lot like her. Additionally, I'm wary of someone with gaping needs being around kids. While being around kids is pleasant to many of us, and could be said to "meet our needs" for joy, interaction, etc. there is a kind of "getting your needs met" through kids that dysfunctional people do that is not healthy for kids.

 

Secondly, I would go talk with the VBS teacher. Repeat the conversation as was told to you by your former sitter, and see how she reacts. If she corroborates the story, I would also tell her how inappropriate it was for her to have shared diagnositic impressions with someone other than the parent. My guess is that it violates her professional code. You can't evaluate a child as an OT without parental permission, nor can you share that info with others. It would be appropriate for her to share observations with a parent, but not use diagnostic labels. If she doesn't corroborate it, you may well want your kids to continue VBS.