Babysitter crossed the line with me...how to handle?

[LisaNY]

We have similar backgrounds (was LCSW until I shifted careers).

 

There is no question whatsoever in my mind that you should fire her. Sharing the medical info about your children is clearly grounds for firing her. I would tell her that is why you are firing her. But frankly, I also have deep concerns about someone who fills their neediness through too much glomming on to other people's children. I know someone like this, and she creates havoc under the guise of helping. Her m.o. is to butter up the parents for a while, offering all kinds of help with the kids, all the while steaming about how inadequate of a job the parents are doing and that she could be doing better. Eventually, that seeps out into the community, and all kinds of boundaries are crossed. Your description of your sitter sounds an awful lot like her. Additionally, I'm wary of someone with gaping needs being around kids. While being around kids is pleasant to many of us, and could be said to "meet our needs" for joy, interaction, etc. there is a kind of "getting your needs met" through kids that dysfunctional people do that is not healthy for kids.

 

Secondly, I would go talk with the VBS teacher. Repeat the conversation as was told to you by your former sitter, and see how she reacts. If she corroborates the story, I would also tell her how inappropriate it was for her to have shared diagnositic impressions with someone other than the parent. My guess is that it violates her professional code. You can't evaluate a child as an OT without parental permission, nor can you share that info with others. It would be appropriate for her to share observations with a parent, but not use diagnostic labels. If she doesn't corroborate it, you may well want your kids to continue VBS.

 

I agree w/Laurie. I had the same feelings/reaction to this person when I read the post. Trouble with a capital "T".

[Twinmom]

But frankly, I also have deep concerns about someone who fills their neediness through too much glomming on to other people's children. I know someone like this, and she creates havoc under the guise of helping. Her m.o. is to butter up the parents for a while, offering all kinds of help with the kids, all the while steaming about how inadequate of a job the parents are doing and that she could be doing better. Eventually, that seeps out into the community, and all kinds of boundaries are crossed. Your description of your sitter sounds an awful lot like her. Additionally, I'm wary of someone with gaping needs being around kids. While being around kids is pleasant to many of us, and could be said to "meet our needs" for joy, interaction, etc. there is a kind of "getting your needs met" through kids that dysfunctional people do that is not healthy for kids.

 

Laurie, you are right. The highlighted portion above really sticks out to me...my fears personified! The neediness also sets off some warning bells for me as a professional...I'm sure you see them too. I'm trying not to do the same to her as she's done to me, so I didn't comment extensively on that issue! :D I've got my thoughts on the matter, that is for sure. Some of her reasons for wanting to be with the kids are legitimate ones, some are more pathological, IMO. Your "friend" sounds a lot like this gal, to be sure. I'm trying to see the good in her from the perspective of a friend, but I'm not wanting her around my kids anymore!

 

As for the VBS thing...I'm not even sure which lady she spoke to. I never met the teachers, just the 17 year old who was doing the sitting for me, so I don't know that I can fish her out without drawing too much attention to the situation. I also have some issues with the church, so I'm thinking the best course of action is to find another VBS. I live in a city where churches are literally on every corner, so this shouldn't be difficult. My own church is too small to offer one, but there are plenty of others.

 

We should chat sometime about our work...I'll betcha we've got a lot in common!

[sassenach]

Your long term plan should be to find a replacement. In the meantime, I would have her sign a confidentiality agreement. Explain to her that while you appreciate her enthusiasm, she has crossed some boundaries. Since she is talking to you about these conversations, she obviously doesn't realize that she's doing anything wrong. Perhaps if she has it all laid out for her, she'll get it. If she crosses the line after that, then you would have to terminate her immediately. Hth,

[OnTheBrink]

I'd fire her so fast her head would spin. My mamabear is in full force and I want to fire her myself!

 

Very unprofessional of the OT, if the conversation went as it was related to you. And, very disloyal of the sitter to behave that way.

[mommaduck]

You are so very right on all points! This particular quote above really stood out to me. I'd not thought of that. All that I need is for one of my kids to throw a tantrum (it's been known to happen! ;)) and for her to call CPS on me for not handling it as she sees fit. Hadn't thought that far ahead, but I can see it happening.

 

Thanks!

 

Yeah, you need someone on YOUR side...not making life more difficult for your family.

[Twinmom]

Ain't that the truth!

[74Heaven]

I agree with TracyS- she was talking too much- her job as babysitter is to protect and nurtur the kids and she was clearly NOT doing that. You clearly feel violated by her actions. I would start looking at other options. If she is job interveiwing you could easily say that you are finding someone who can be with you long term as you know that she is looking for a permanent position.>>

 

Maybe I have thick skin because I'm older, and have "active" kids - but I agree the woman was in error. But I doubt she meant you any trouble. Sounds like she was overzealous about trying to "help" you. And willing to give her opinions to anyone who would stand still to listen.

 

So, while I agree, the woman erred, I prob. wouldn't make a big deal of it. I prob. would be vague about why she is being "let go" because just because I didn't appreciate her brand of help - it sounds like she is a big help to others and well-regarded. Something like, "I wasn't comfortable with you sharing so much info & your opinions, blah blah blah... about my children and at VBS, etc. etc." So I think I'll go a different direction. (I am against passive-agressive - I am not sugg. to dodge the issues you have with her. It just doesn't seem like a big "airing out" of the issues you have with the babysitter is going to be of any value to you or her. Plus, she sounds like she is a sister in Christ :). She may say, "yikes you're right; me and my big mouth - I was only trying to help!"

 

I read most of the posts here, but I did skim some - maybe I missed something. I just think this woman AND the OT at VBS - didn't mean you or your children any ill will.

 

And I am not saying either is faultless, but I have had dozens (hundreds?) of conversations with people at VBS and standing around after church watching the children play. And I know I am very careful but sometimes I have crossed boundaries because I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to say something OR I overcame my own good sense and didn't use discernment. "me and my big mouth" I'm sure we can all relate.

 

I guess it just seems like the woman's heart motive wasn't to harm you? And so you need to do and say whatever is best for your family - but not necessarily make this a big deal.

 

Btw, I go to a fabulous very small church and these things come up every so often and they really can blow over quickly and quietly.

 

God's best!

lj

[3littlekeets]

Wow=== how did a 2 year old thread pop up? :confused:

 

I love it when random things like this happen :lol::lol::lol:

[Tokyomarie]

Wow=== how did a 2 year old thread pop up? :confused:

 

I love it when random things like this happen :lol::lol::lol:

 

I was thinking the same thing! Here, Twinmom was talking about her 5 year olds, but in her siggy is says she has 7 yr. old twins. Then I looked at the date and wondered, hmmm.

 

I have a hard enough time keeping current threads straight:tongue_smilie:

[74Heaven]

Course I didn't even catch it when I got so interested in the thread; read it and then posted today. And I think I was on page 7 or 8 or something of the general board? Maybe it was page 108 lol?

 

lj, puzzled

[Teachin'Mine]

It sounds like you've decided to not allow her to babysit - good decision!!! Honestly, when I read your post, my first thought was that she was embarrassed to have been caught not handling your son well. Then to justify her impatience and his being in tears, she started with the "diagnosis" and even felt the need to justify her excuse by discussing your children with the VBS teacher, and getting her "second opinion".

 

Be happy that you walked in at that moment. When it comes to your children, ignorance is not bliss. You probably don't need to say anything in defense of your choosing not to use her as your babysitter, unless someone asks you a direct question. Most likely, this isn't new behavior for her and people in your small church know that she has issues. What seems like a big issue now, will be yesterday's news in no time. ;) Keep protecting your children - they count on you for that. :)

[Teachin'Mine]

Oh good grief!!!! I just saw Marie's post that this thread is two years old!!!! :tongue_smilie: Probably safe to assume that this is all very much "yesterday's" news. :lol:

[Mommee & Baba]

I'm sorry!

 

I don't have any real input here. I've fired a babysitter that we were told was so good with children from our church and to come home each time she was left with our kids stuck in front of the television, crying because they were bored and her caught on our home computer, webcam and the telephone. I'm not PAYING someone to do what they do on their own fine. This is a special event for them and they need "fun" and "attention" not....electronic babysitters!

 

We trust no one. Not even our family that is somewhat near us. So we don't go anywhere without the kids. If kids aren't welcomed somewhere..we don't go. So now we pack activity backpacks and file folder games for our kids to have stuff to do while we're out and about.

 

I'm so sorry again!

[Mommee & Baba]

Oh good grief!!!! I just saw Marie's post that this thread is two years old!!!! :tongue_smilie: Probably safe to assume that this is all very much "yesterday's" news. :lol:

 

Goodness I didn't even look at the date...:lol:

[Alicia64]

Ugh. She sounds like she acted totally inappropriately in about 10 different ways.

 

I also know the training you went through to become an LCSW -- doubly ridiculous that she was trying to "educate" you.

 

Alley

[Mejane]

nm

Edited July 25, 2010 by Mejane
This is one old thread!

[RanchGirl]

Although I completely agree with everyone who said they would never hire this sitter again, I would not confront her with the reason. She sounds like someone who would either (a) gossip/complain about you and your family to everyone she meets, trying to get sympathy, in turn making you look mean and petty, or (b) worse yet, start to make accusations that you have some reason to be very secretive about the children -- perhaps even implying abuse issues. I just can't see anything good coming out of confronting her and you don't owe her an explanation anyway.

 

Naturally anyone who knows either of you well will immediately realize that she's the one whose "off" and not to be trusted, but it's not a situation I would like to be in when getting to know a new church/area.

 

oh geez, I just realized this thread is 2 years old!! argh. However, I am intrigued now. Twinmom, how did things turn out? Hopefully I was dead wrong! :)

[gpsings]

Yeah, I'm pretty much agreeing with the above. :( She would be done for me. Your kids haven't even been diagnosed with any issues? Seriously. She's gonna cause them problems talking like that to others and around them. Besides, it's out of line to be discussing things like that with strangers. I'd be finished with that babysitter.

[MeganW]

Oh, you got that right! One bitten, twice shy. I'd be foolish not to spell things out in advance with a new sitter after this experience!

 

On my triplet mommies' board, there is a standard clause that gets recommended a lot for nanny contracts. Maybe this would help? (If nothing else, ideas of things to discuss before hiring - all info & photos - talking to others, Facebook, Twitter, etc.)

 

During the course of employment, Employee may legitimately see, hear, or otherwise become privy to information about Employer's family and careers. Employee understands and agrees that all information relating to the Employer including, but not limited to, financial, household, or career, is confidential information which may not be disclosed to anyone without the written consent of the Employer. Under no circumstances shall Employee take photographs of the children or in any way distribute, publish, or otherwise share photographs of the children without prior approval of the Employer. Employee is expressly prohibited from blogging, posting status updates, tweeting, or otherwise using social networks or other types of media that in any way refer to the children, the Employer, or otherwise with respect to Employee's employment with the Employer. The obligations of Employee under this clause survive termination of this agreement.

[MeganW]

That's my gut feeling, yes. Esp. since she cried during that interview...wow. Sweet girl...needs help.

 

In that case, you owe it to her to give her a clear explanation so that she can change and be more successful going forward. "I was very unset to learn that you had been sharing my children's medical information with strangers, and am uncomfortable enough with that that I cannot continue our employment arrangement."