It's that time of year when I have to go into hiding from the homeschool naysayers..

[JulieE]

We're going on our 4th year homeschooling. I talked to my mother yesterday and it didn't even occur to me: I should be avoiding her right now, until she asked "When is the kids first day of (public) school?" I said "I don't have an exact date, we will be homeschooling this year again." Response: teary voice and nasty comment before getting off the phone asap. I spoke to my IL's on Saturday. Same question.

 

Apparently I'm missing the ball. After birth I am supposed to wait about a year, then farm the kids out wherever I can. That is what is normal. Anything else is too stressful, how can I possibly expect to give each kid the attention they need (as opposed to a teacher in a classroom with 30 kids).

 

I'm sooooo worn out from this, every July/August. The grandparents, my neighbors. What is so offensive to them? Last year I literally went into hiding late July/early August. I avoided the grandparents - didn't talk to my parents until right before Thanksgiving. Avoided neighbors. This year I thought the hiding/shutting myself off is not healthy, so I decided not to. Now I'm second-guessing this.

 

So do I cave and ship all the kids out? Or start avoiding everyone & be the loser daughter/parent again? :confused:

[saraha]

Could you just pick a random date?

 

Mom: So... when do the kids start school?

You: Sept. 4th

Mom: Oh really? Are they

You interupting: We just started school shopping. Blah Blah Blah, then change subject.

 

This is what I do with certain people

[TXMary2]

I would definitely not cave! Is there any reason you can't politely put them in their place?

[mykdsmomy]

We're going on our 4th year homeschooling. I talked to my mother yesterday and it didn't even occur to me: I should be avoiding her right now, until she asked "When is the kids first day of (public) school?" I said "I don't have an exact date, we will be homeschooling this year again." Response: teary voice and nasty comment before getting off the phone asap. I spoke to my IL's on Saturday. Same question.

 

Apparently I'm missing the ball. After birth I am supposed to wait about a year, then farm the kids out wherever I can. That is what is normal. Anything else is too stressful, how can I possibly expect to give each kid the attention they need (as opposed to a teacher in a classroom with 30 kids).

 

I'm sooooo worn out from this, every July/August. The grandparents, my neighbors. What is so offensive to them? Last year I literally went into hiding late July/early August. I avoided the grandparents - didn't talk to my parents until right before Thanksgiving. Avoided neighbors. This year I thought the hiding/shutting myself off is not healthy, so I decided not to. Now I'm second-guessing this.

 

So do I cave and ship all the kids out? Or start avoiding everyone & be the loser daughter/parent again? :confused:

 

You're NOT a loser daughter/parent! Don't cave to other people's opinions...you'll drive yourself insane. Make a list of all the reasons why you homeschool and keep it handy for times like this :) :grouphug:

[Ellie]

Do NOT call yourself a loser because you choose to teach your children at home. It's your mother's issue, not yours. She's the one who should be proud that you have chosen to stay home and bring up her grandchildren yourself. Hmph.

 

I agree with telling her a random date, giving her a little information, then changing the subject, although at some point you might have to look her in the eyeball and tell her that you and Mr. Julie make the decisions y'all feel are right for your own children, the way your parents made the decisions that were right for theirs, and that she needs to support you or quit talking about it altogether.

[Dina in Oklahoma]

We're going on our 4th year homeschooling. I talked to my mother yesterday and it didn't even occur to me: I should be avoiding her right now, until she asked "When is the kids first day of (public) school?" I said "I don't have an exact date, we will be homeschooling this year again." Response: teary voice and nasty comment before getting off the phone asap. I spoke to my IL's on Saturday. Same question.

 

Apparently I'm missing the ball. After birth I am supposed to wait about a year, then farm the kids out wherever I can. That is what is normal. Anything else is too stressful, how can I possibly expect to give each kid the attention they need (as opposed to a teacher in a classroom with 30 kids). Exactly!!!

 

I'm sooooo worn out from this, every July/August. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:The grandparents, my neighbors. What is so offensive to them? Last year I literally went into hiding late July/early August. I avoided the grandparents - didn't talk to my parents until right before Thanksgiving. Avoided neighbors. This year I thought the hiding/shutting myself off is not healthy, so I decided not to. Now I'm second-guessing this.

 

So do I cave and ship all the kids out? No, if you and your DH have decided this is what is right for children stand firm. Don't hide, these are YOUR children. I have learned to be pleasant but firm. "We are HSing again and we don't follow public school schedule." Enough said.

 

If they persist, explain that you hear and appreciate their concerns but that you and DH have made this decision in the best interest of YOUR children and that you do not intend to defend this decision. Close the discussion by saying that you would appreciate their support in this endeavor. Or start avoiding everyone & be the loser daughter/parent again? :confused:

How can a parent who cares enough to commit to educating their child be a loser??? Be strong, it will get easier. My MIL has come around and now clips articles touting the virtues of HSing!:001_smile:

 

Blessings,

 

Dina :grouphug:

Edited July 23, 2012 by Dina in Oklahoma

[learningmama]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I HATE confrontation, but when it comes to homeschool, I will stand up all day long to fight if needed.

If my father, who is a recently retired public school teacher of 35 years can be for it, then no one should have a problem. ;) He saw corruption in the public school system for years and knows it is no good.

[Harriet Vane]

Can you tell them all to STOP questioning this decision? That you will be homeschooling until further notice? That the topic is not available for discussion or rude comments?

[SunnyDays]

Oh goodness, don't cave because of rude people. If we start doing that, I don't know what's left!! :grouphug:

 

If you and your husband have decided that the right thing to do is to homeschool the kids, then that's it. Others do not get a vote.

 

I agree, tell them the date you're going to start. If Mom acts shocked and says something stupid like, "Oh, you've finally come to your senses and enrolled them in school?!" then laugh, and say, of course not, I told you we'd be homeschooling for a while.

 

Gently... is it possible they know it bothers you and therefore they still have a chance to change your mind? The more confident you are (not in an aggressive way, but just quietly firm), there's just not much they can say. By the way, it's perfectly normal for everyone to ask when the kids start school. So give them a date. And if they ask, affirm that yes, you are homeschooling again. It's hard, but you can't let the outside world get you down.

[Galatea]

My mom is gone, but if she had ever made a nasty comment about me homeschooling my daughter, I might just ask her how stupid she thinks I am if I can't teach my own child better than a person trying to corral 30 kids could. And then remind her that if you are that stupid, it's her own fault. Of course, that might end with her upset, but she doesn't care if she upsets you, so maybe she'd learn.

[Rosie_0801]

Don't cave, don't hide, buy some of these and wear them with a vicious looking grin.

 

Rosie

[justLisa]

Thank fully I do not have this issue, but if I did I would send out an email to everyone explaining the parameters of appropriate conversation. You don't need to answer to anyone. Just tell them why you choose this, and that it is not open for discussion or bashing.

[mazakaal]

Can you tell them (especially the family members) that this is not up for discussion, and if they can't say something nice about it, then you would appreciate it if they didn't say anything about homeschooling at all.

:grouphug: I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

[cin]

In addition to all the other great advice, I'd pass the inlaws to your husband.

 

And I've always thought it would be rather clever to turn the tables on the parents.

 

Gee mom, you really must not have any confidence in your parenting skills if you think you raised me to be a weak, go with the flow, idiot who can't teach a child to count to 10.

 

Well mom, I'm learning from your mistakes :D

 

Really mom? I thought you'd be proud of us for taking this step to raise our kids the we think is really best, and not just blindly following what the government thinks is best.

[elegantlion]

How old are your kids? Our parents have been supportive, but we butted heads with them on other parenting issues when ds was younger. About the time he turned 7, they started "trusting" us more.

 

I wouldn't even let it become a point of conversation. As others suggested, state you're starting school on x date, don't mention homeschooling unless asked and then remind them this is your child, and it's not a debatable issue.

[Mom-ninja.]

I might just ask her how stupid she thinks I am if I can't teach my own child

 

I have actually said this to people. To my mom I asked, "So you think I'm not smart enough to teach my kids? Well, I went to public school so if you're saying I'm too dumb then what's that say about public school?"

 

I've said similar to other people. I get the question, "What about middle school or high school? How are you going to teach high school level classes?" My response is (while laughing), "Well, I have a science degree and I have extra credits in literature and foreign language. If I can't teach high school level classes then that pretty much says my college level education is crap. Besides, if I don't know something I look it up and learn it."

 

That has made everyone who asked unable to respond. :D

[marychance]

My parents decided to hs my brother and I when we were in elementary school. My grandma refused to talk to any of us for months after the decision was made. As a kid I was very hurt by that. She always kept scrapbooks of our achievements and at the end of 5th grade she wrote "the end" because you know, if a kid isn't in public school there is no outward proof that you've made amazing choices as parents. (sarcasm) As I grew I realized that it was her problem, not my parents, and not mine as a kid. My grandma is still around and we are still very close. She had the "I had hoped for so much more from her" conversation with me when I told her that I was hs'ing the Bird. I politely explained to her that we decided this was best, and that her dad and I hold more advanced degrees than any elementary school teacher she's going to find. Whenever she brings it up I tell her I'm not discussing it. She will learn that no amount of guilting will change the fact that there will be two generations of homeschoolers in her family.

[jelbe5]

:001_smile:

 

Don't cave. These are YOUR kids. Your parents and in laws already had their turn.

 

Be kind, but firm. "Mom, I appreciate your concern, but dh and I feel this is the right thing for our family. I will let you know if that changes. This topic is no longer open for discussion."

 

I had to say something similar to my dad last year around this time. :glare:

 

And pick a date if you wish. I always say that we are starting right after Labor Day. :001_smile:

 

Eta have your dh handle your mil.

Edited July 23, 2012 by jelbe5

[mothergooseof4]

In the beginning my MIL was all up in arms about this issue. She even cried once when she asked how I could possibly know stepdd's reading level when we didn't do standardized testing. When I replied that I didn't have an exact grade level, she was reading and comprehending many books several grades above her age, the tears started. Soon after, I think dh must have put an end to it.

 

After he passed away, MIL started in with different angles of trying to get me to put the kids in school. First it was so that I would get a break. Then, when I left some school work for ds to do while he stayed with her one day she wanted to know why he didn't know his multiplication tables in 1st. I learned to just not discuss school with her, not let her see their school work, and to find a reason to get off the phone or leave their house if the conversation went in a direction that I didn't want to deal with. I didn't want to damage our relationship, but I was not going to deal with her attacks or interference. Finally, when asked why I had pulled away by FIL, I told him that I loved them dearly, but that I was raising the kids in the manner that I felt led and while I respected them, their attacks on hsing would not be tolerated. I would not subject myself or the kids to it and it was just natural to pull away from people that I was not supported by. That was the end of it. MIL still doesn't LOVE hsing, but she knows it is what will be done and that I will not deal with her negative attitude about it. And, I think secretly, she thinks I am doing a good job, but she would never admit it.

[Delirium]

Be an example of why homeschooling is great. When they start to harp on you, change the subject. I believe everyone should choose whats best for them and their families. Some work well in PS, others don't. Some like HS, some don't. I would really dislike living in a world where everyone was the exact same cookie cutter.

[MusicMama]

That is so hard. :grouphug: I go through something very similar with my mom, but not for homeschooling. Write out a list of reasons why you homeschool, and read it when you get down. Have your DH deal with the IL's. And realize that no matter how well your kids turn out, you may never get your mom's approval. And that's ok, because if you were raising your kids to get her approval, well, you wouldn't be their mom!

 

:grouphug:

[Dina in Oklahoma]

:lol::lol::lol: Always LOVE your replies Rosie!!!

 

Don't cave, don't hide, buy some of these and wear them with a vicious looking grin.

 

Rosie

[EmilyK]

For some grandparents, it is very important to be able to compare notes with their friends, and boast a little. Other folks are very invested in what others might think. My guess is that there is some of this going on, as opposed to doubting their children as teachers.

[JulieE]

Aww.. thanks for your replies, ladies. Some great advice/comments/humor:)

 

 

That is so hard. :grouphug: I go through something very similar with my mom, but not for homeschooling. Write out a list of reasons why you homeschool, and read it when you get down. Have your DH deal with the IL's. And realize that no matter how well your kids turn out, you may never get your mom's approval. And that's ok, because if you were raising your kids to get her approval, well, you wouldn't be their mom!

 

:grouphug:

I think this is part of it. It hurts that my mom, especially, is so terribly disappointed in me & gets emotional and hostile about it: homeschooling, large family, not in the "official" work force, etc. Personally, I'm just as disappointed with her decisions: she went back to school when we were in our teens, got her masters, and now breaks her back 6-7 days a week as a caseworker who gets paid peanuts, gets more cases stacked on to her all the time, gets salary cuts, etc. THAT is what I'm supposed to ditch my kids for?! I've never told her that I don't understand her choices, that I don't approve - why would I want to be ugly just because she chose a different route than I would take?

 

For some grandparents, it is very important to be able to compare notes with their friends, and boast a little. Other folks are very invested in what others might think. My guess is that there is some of this going on, as opposed to doubting their children as teachers.

THESE are my IL's - my MIL drills the girls when they come to visit. And, of course, the girls go deer in headlights (eg, "what is 7+2?" A: "13:):001_huh: It's wretched. My MIL probably thinks I'm lying on the couch all day watching soaps.

Edited July 24, 2012 by JulieE
typos

[Starr]

Don't cave, don't hide, buy some of these and wear them with a vicious looking grin.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: :lol:

[FO4UR]

For some grandparents, it is very important to be able to compare notes with their friends, and boast a little. Other folks are very invested in what others might think. My guess is that there is some of this going on, as opposed to doubting their children as teachers.

 

 

:iagree: For some, it's about being able to brag that their grandchild is on the honor roll, in the band, on a sports team, etc...

 

 

 

 

 

THESE are my IL's - my MIL drills the girls when they come to visit. And, of course, the girls go deer in headlights (eg, "what is 7+2?" A: "13:):001_huh: It's wretched. My MIL probably thinks I'm lying on the couch all day watching soaps.

 

 

Don't allow her to drill the kids. Teach the kids to respectfully tell her that they are not in class right now and will not be answering her quiz. "Ask my mom.dad." is the answer to give when MIL asks why...or gets upset.

 

 

Don't feed the bears.

[DianeW88]

"Mom, you've made your opinions on homeschooling perfectly clear. Mr. Julie and I have made our decision on how we're going to educate OUR children. This subject is no longer open for debate, discussion or commentary from you. If you can't restrain yourself as far as homeschooling goes, I'm afraid our contact with you will be severely limited. It's your choice at this point."

 

Then, if she continues her rant, "Mom, sorry, but I'm not going to listen to this from you ever again. I have to go now." Click.

 

There you go. Easy peasy. Stand firm and tell her you. are. done.

[Tutor]

Your mom could just be mourning the loss of traditions and hopes that she had for guiding you through certain stages of your life. It took me a while to realize that this is what my parents were going through, but once I realized it and made an effort to meet some of their needs, a lot of the questioning and negative commenting stopped.

 

For instance:

 

1. I try to send them a picture of each child every fall. We school year round, but my parents were looking forward to the annual school pics of the kids.

 

2. I set up a school wish list on Amazon so my parents (especially my dad) could buy some fun or expensive school supplies the kids would enjoy but that we couldn't afford to supplement their schooling. He bought a microscope one year and weather station another year. His latest thing is getting us museum memberships.

 

3. I make sure to keep our parents up to date on achievements the kids are making. If a child advances in dance or fencing, we call the grandparents. If someone gets a perfect score on their math test, we call the grandparents.

 

4. I make sure to ask their advice when possible. Even for school items. For instance, my dad was a banker and loves math; he has no clue about the available math curricula available, but I gave him some descriptions of a problem I was having with one of the kids as well as descriptions of math programs I had access to and asked his advice on what to try next. He's started researching math curricula and teaching methods on his own now so he can advise me!

 

This year, I am collecting pictures to put into photo books for all the grandparents. The plan is to send them two books a year so they can see how the kids are growing, what they are doing, where they go with their friends, and we'll even scan in some art and school work so they can see what we're doing. We live pretty far from all the grandparents, and I am realizing that they need to feel more "involvement" than they are feeling right now.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Why would you cave? Because other people don't understand or appreciate your choice? You are NOT a loser, you are a dedicated parent and it is YOUR decision for YOUR children.

Let it be, smile and say it works for us, tell them if they can't be supportive, the topic is off limits.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

So do I cave and ship all the kids out? Or start avoiding everyone & be the loser daughter/parent again? :confused:

 

I vote neither.

 

I think you need to brainstorm with your husband and come up with a couple of comments you can practice in advance and be ready to say whenever this happens.

 

"I know you're not happy with our decision to homeschool, but it's what we've decided is best for our kids. So, how's the weather where you are?"

 

Keep saying it. Be secure in your decision. Get on with your life.

[Harriet Vane]

 

 

THESE are my IL's - my MIL drills the girls when they come to visit. And, of course, the girls go deer in headlights (eg, "what is 7+2?" A: "13:):001_huh: It's wretched. My MIL probably thinks I'm lying on the couch all day watching soaps.

 

Do NOT allow your inlaws to drill the kids. It's unfair and just fuels the drama, not to mention leaving your kids feeling stupid. Put a stop to this.

[Trish]

If your mom's not rich, maybe you could ask her to help you pay for some superexpensive private school? That may help her avoid the subject of "homeschooling." :D

 

I'm lucky. I have one family member who also homeschools, everyone else seems supportive, or at least not negative, and the moms at the school where my kids used to go keep saying, "I wish I could do what you're doing," or "let me know if you decide to open your homeschool to other people's kids." (haha!) The old school seems to be in a bit of a meltdown with some questionable personnel decisions and other curriculum wonkiness that is making the parents unhappy.

 

Sorry you're getting interference!

[Parrothead]

Do NOT allow your inlaws to drill the kids. It's unfair and just fuels the drama, not to mention leaving your kids feeling stupid. Put a stop to this.

:iagree: Do it ASAP. Tell your dh he needs to put a stop to the quizzing and the rude questioning ASAP and if he doesn't you will.

 

As for your mother, well, she sounds an awful lot like mine did in the beginning. Homeschooling was okay for K'er but after that I was wasting my mind and all the opportunities she and the other women of her generation fought so hard to secure for womankind everywhere. :glare::D

 

You'll have to put your foot down and tell her to knock off the guilt trips and other negativity. Tell her in no uncertain terms (if you need to do it in an email, go ahead) that you won't listen to carp about homeschooling. If she can't deal with it then she need not call. Put the ball in her court and make it her decision to accept or not.

 

You've been given some good suggestions about how to "normalize" the homeschooling. Get school photos taken, involve her in an appropriate manner, send copies of your kiddos' work for her to see that you aren't sitting around eating bon-bons all day. Really you have to think of it as other than proving yourself. If the kids were in PS I'm sure you'd share those accomplishments.

 

Consider sharing your reasons for homeschooling. When those periodic articles about school violence, inappropriate teachers, etc., appear in the paper send clippings or links.

 

Lots and lots of people had terrific and idyllic public school experiences. For those people it is hard to imagine why anyone would refuse those experiences for their kids. And don't forget the dreaded "S" word. Drop blurbs about the kids activities and how they are faring with others.

[MusicMama]

My MIL probably thinks I'm lying on the couch all day watching soaps.

 

I personally prefer my children fetch me bon-bons while I'm nose deep in a trashy novel. :D

[Dmmetler]

My parents are supportive, but we will leave Friday for our annual family vacation-we've discovered that leaving for that bridge over the last week or so before public school starts and not coming back until public school has been back for awhile makes a MAJOR difference in how all of us feel. It just avoids a lot of problems, since at this time of year even clerks in grocery stores seem compelled to ask kids what school they go to and whether they're excited about school starting and all the conversation between kids seems to do with school.

[Alyeska]

Don't avoid. Be proud of what you are doing.

 

Hold your head up and give decisive answers.

[jasar31629]

Your mom could just be mourning the loss of traditions and hopes that she had for guiding you through certain stages of your life. It took me a while to realize that this is what my parents were going through, but once I realized it and made an effort to meet some of their needs, a lot of the questioning and negative commenting stopped.

 

For instance:

 

1. I try to send them a picture of each child every fall. We school year round, but my parents were looking forward to the annual school pics of the kids.

 

2. I set up a school wish list on Amazon so my parents (especially my dad) could buy some fun or expensive school supplies the kids would enjoy but that we couldn't afford to supplement their schooling. He bought a microscope one year and weather station another year. His latest thing is getting us museum memberships.

 

3. I make sure to keep our parents up to date on achievements the kids are making. If a child advances in dance or fencing, we call the grandparents. If someone gets a perfect score on their math test, we call the grandparents.

 

4. I make sure to ask their advice when possible. Even for school items. For instance, my dad was a banker and loves math; he has no clue about the available math curricula available, but I gave him some descriptions of a problem I was having with one of the kids as well as descriptions of math programs I had access to and asked his advice on what to try next. He's started researching math curricula and teaching methods on his own now so he can advise me!

 

This year, I am collecting pictures to put into photo books for all the grandparents. The plan is to send them two books a year so they can see how the kids are growing, what they are doing, where they go with their friends, and we'll even scan in some art and school work so they can see what we're doing. We live pretty far from all the grandparents, and I am realizing that they need to feel more "involvement" than they are feeling right now.

 

What thoughtful, sweet advice! I'm loving some of these suggestions. My family is very supportive. My grandparents are the ones who are nervous about the whole thing, especially as time goes on. Somehow it was ok in the early years, but I'm surprised at how many people assumed it would be a phase or something. I'm not sure how far I'd go in catering to people who were downright rude and nasty, but for those who are close and are a bit unsure about hsing, I think this is wonderful!