About to give up, Please encourage me or be honest...

[honeymommy4]

at what point to you decide it's not working?

 

I'm about to give up here.

 

I have tried every approach it seems. My last resort is just to strew unit studies and FIAR books and read them randomly (to my preschooler but the others will hear it) and assign worksheets for the 3R's with rewards.

 

I have 2 kids with somewhat special needs. My oldest is dx OCD/ADD and my 3rd child is just like him, so I know it's coming if I get her tested.

 

No one wants to do school. yet no one wants to do unit studies projects either. I will try to implement ideas from the curriculum. My DS (5) will just flat out say he doesn't want to do it. My 8yo will do it but then only for about 5 mins. then he is done, he doesn't even know what he drew. Just did it to be done. No matter what I choose, we have done KONOS, HOD, tried ONLY doing the 3 R's & giving them more free time to pursue.

 

mainly either one or all will just lay around the house. They do not want to do ANYTHING. I feel like giving up. At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think? If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. I need a little variety. the problem is they don;t want to do either. I have even tried schooling/learning while we are out places lke the park programs. etc. no one likes them and they just want to fight all the time. it is really getting to the point it is basic defiance but who wants to FORCE their kids to do fun activities or even homeschool every day.

 

i think I am ready to be done, but I have worked so hard to get this far. please help. I am confused. :(

[creekmom]

at what point to you decide it's not working?

 

I'm about to give up here.

 

I have tried every approach it seems. My last resort is just to strew unit studies and FIAR books and read them randomly (to my preschooler but the others will hear it) and assign worksheets for the 3R's with rewards.

 

I have 2 kids with somewhat special needs. My oldest is dx OCD/ADD and my 3rd child is just like him, so I know it's coming if I get her tested.

 

No one wants to do school. yet no one wants to do unit studies projects either. I will try to implement ideas from the curriculum. My DS (5) will just flat out say he doesn't want to do it. My 8yo will do it but then only for about 5 mins. then he is done, he doesn't even know what he drew. Just did it to be done. No matter what I choose, we have done KONOS, HOD, tried ONLY doing the 3 R's & giving them more free time to pursue.

 

mainly either one or all will just lay around the house. They do not want to do ANYTHING. I feel like giving up. At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think? If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. I need a little variety. the problem is they don;t want to do either. I have even tried schooling/learning while we are out places lke the park programs. etc. no one likes them and they just want to fight all the time. it is really getting to the point it is basic defiance but who wants to FORCE their kids to do fun activities or even homeschool every day.

 

i think I am ready to be done, but I have worked so hard to get this far. please help. I am confused. :(

 

I noticed the phrase "they do not want..." or "no one wants..." was a repetitive theme in your post. I guess I would start there. How often do you require them to do things they do not want to do (not counting school)? It's human nature to not want to do difficult/unpleasant things.. however, as parents, we have to teach our kids a good work ethic regardless of whether we hs or send them to ps.

I have had this conversation often with my kids... "How many of my "mommy chores" do you think I WANT to do each day? Do you think I wanted to change your diapers? Do you think I want to clean up your vomit? Do you think I want to wash your clothes, make your dinner, plan your school day? ETC. ETC. ETC." (It is a REAL eye opener to kids that there are A LOT of things you do every day that you don't want to do!!) Then I say, "What if I decided I was only going to do the things I WANTED to do each day??? or What if I did those things, but I was constantly whining and complaining about them? Would you want to be around me?? -You will spend your whole lives doing things you do not want to do - and you HAVE to learn to do them AND do them with a cheerful attitude. It's my job to teach you that, SO for the next few days/weeks or whatever it takes, your dad and I are going to give you LOTS of chores you do NOT want to do - VERY UNPLEASANT chores. You will respond quickly with a cheerful attitude. When we see that you are responding this way consistently, we will ease up on the unpleasant chores..."

 

-If you do this now while they are young - you will be able to hs them successfully and it will be a pleasure (most of the time). :D

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

I don't have a houseful of littles, but during the school year my elementary-aged child doesn't have to want to do school. Non-negotiable.

 

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Best wishes!

[Dustybug]

I noticed the phrase "they do not want..." or "no one wants..." was a repetitive theme in your post. I guess I would start there. How often do you require them to do things they do not want to do (not counting school)? It's human nature to not want to do difficult/unpleasant things.. however, as parents, we have to teach our kids a good work ethic regardless of whether we hs or send them to ps.

I have had this conversation often with my kids... "How many of my "mommy chores" do you think I WANT to do each day? Do you think I wanted to change your diapers? Do you think I want to clean up your vomit? Do you think I want to wash your clothes, make your dinner, plan your school day? ETC. ETC. ETC." (It is a REAL eye opener to kids that there are A LOT of things you do every day that you don't want to do!!) Then I say, "What if I decided I was only going to do the things I WANTED to do each day??? or What if I did those things, but I was constantly whining and complaining about them? Would you want to be around me?? -You will spend your whole lives doing things you do not want to do - and you HAVE to learn to do them AND do them with a cheerful attitude. It's my job to teach you that, SO for the next few days/weeks or whatever it takes, your dad and I are going to give you LOTS of chores you do NOT want to do - VERY UNPLEASANT chores. You will respond quickly with a cheerful attitude. When we see that you are responding this way consistently, we will ease up on the unpleasant chores..."

 

-If you do this now while they are young - you will be able to hs them successfully and it will be a pleasure (most of the time). :D

 

:iagree:This sounds like more of a discipline issue than a schooling issue to me. It seems like they simply don't respect their parent. :/ I would take a break for a bit and try to reign that in and then work on the schooling if it were me.

[Caitilin]

:iagree:This sounds like more of a discipline issue than a schooling issue to me. It seems like they simply don't respect their parent. :/ I would take a break for a bit and try to reign that in and then work on the schooling if it were me.

 

:iagree:This is no way to live, let alone homeschool. Life is full of things none of us want to do, but we must do them just to continue living. School is one of those things, sometimes for the kids, sometimes, for me. Nevertheless, we keep on moving forward, adjusting attitudes as needed.:grouphug:

[mrs.m]

sorry you are going through this.

 

I know you want to give up but I would consider why you think this would be different if you put them in a school building. They are still required to go whether they want to or not. They still will be required to participate even half heartedly.

 

So, moving past the idea that they have a choice is the first step and you many have to get creative to accomplish this. In our house, if there is too much pouting, sloppiness, lack of effort, and complaining, I walk away but they still have to finish the lesson. Sometimes lack of audience helps and mostly redoing it until they show some effort takes care of it for a few weeks. They have no other choice because the discipline will compound itself to being grounded from screens and social activities or even more chores. It may not work for your family, so get creative.

[ErinE]

If they didn't want to go to school, you would wake them up and get them out the door. If they ran late and were tardy, they would have consequences. As PP said, it's a discipline issue, not a school issue. You also just had a baby, so that's a big change.

 

Focus on your eldest. I've noticed that bad attitudes from the elders trickle down. Require the basics. Math, writing, reading. Start with the most anxiety inducing work and sit with him while he does it. Nothing gets done until school is done: no pool, no friends, no electronics, no television. Give incentives occassionally. "I was thinking about going to get frozen yogurt today, but we aren't finishing school" or "Your friend wanted to get together today so let's finish your work." Be gentle, be firm, and don't lose your cool.

 

Also, don't underestimate the power of a talk. If I notice continual defiance from my eldest, I sit down with my ds and have a conversation. Usually, there's something going on. We have also had the "job" conversation. I tell him it's my job to teach and it's his job to do the work. If he wants to try something different, I'm open to suggestions.

[Closeacademy]

You are dealing with very difficult group of ages there. To make matters easier, you may just want to make sure that everyone does math and makes progress. That they read to you or work on phonics and then you spend some time reading aloud to them.

 

The 3 r's are really your focus and getting them done is important. Every thing else can come later. Eventually, when you have everyone settled into a good routine of doing the 3 r's, you can add in some science or history or grammar or fun things. But getting a good routine down and making everyone read and do math is the most important thing right now.

 

Good luck. I've been there. And I've been there with kids who didn't read until 3rd and 5th grade with any fluency. Hang in there--it's tough.:001_smile:

[Plateau Mama]

 

At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think? If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. :(

 

I have a couple of thoughts/opinions. Whatever you want to call them.

 

First is what I quoted above. I disagree. Some children are not self starters. When my son was 8 I felt the same way. I seeked advice from my hs friends and they said he was too young. I talked to my pediatrician (& friend) and she said it was WAY to early to expect independence. That I might have to wait till late middle school. I about cried in her office. (he was 9). Now at 10 I wouldn't say he's a self starter, but he can work independently for an hour or so, sort of.

 

If I were you I would only worry about formally schooling the 8 year old. Let everything else go, except reading to them. Make a list of priorities for your 8 yo. What is most important right now? Reading? Math? Prioritize your list. Tell him you two are going to work for an hour a day. It might be 3- 20 min blocks, or 6-10 min, whatever works. Start at the top of your list and work down. Every morning start at the top of the list. Eventually you will get more work done in the same amount of time, then you will be able to extend the time.

 

After you have him on a routine you can (again slowly) add your 5 yo in.

Also, during the hour, make him do quality work. Whatever he is capable of. I can't tell you how many times I recopied a worksheet for my son to redo. He know knows if he doesn't do his best he will redo it.

 

I've been in your shoes, I know how tiring it can be. There were days I literally strapped a backpack to his back and started walking him to school. Now he'd been to school for 2 years and knew he didnt want to go back. Blythe end of the block he'd be begging for another chance!

[kwickimom]

I totally agree this is a discipline issue and not a schooling issue. My kids do not have a choice whether to do school or not. And no I dont think an 8YO needs to be a self starter. The kids are learning what you teach them and are learning by example.

 

I would not allow my kids to sit around all day. If they are bored..they are going to work. If they whine about school...they lose privileges and get to do work.

 

I would make a checklist and TELL your 8YO what they will be doing everyday. And it will get done or there will be consequences. I wouldnt worksheet him to death if he already doesnt like school. Ask him ti make a list of things he wants to learn about and then do some unit studies and projects and games....find a way to get him to want to learn and get motivated

 

As for all the littles...do FIAR or just read and do some projects and play games. School should be fun for all them and you want to instill the love of learning.

 

I think your kids are used to being able to get away with things and you need to change that asap.

[swellmomma]

At their ages I would say this is a mommy issue not a kids issue. Of course they just want to play and lay around the house. It is your job to say tough cookies and get the work done. I get what it is like homeschooling challenging/difficult kids, if you have read any of my past posts you know how true that is. I also know that I should have forced my kids to suck it up much younger because now that they are teens it is much harder to get them doing what they need to. I don't make school nothing but busy work and mindless worksheets, but the fact it I don't give a carp whether they *like* grammar or *want* to do math. It must be done. And speaking as someone looking back after 6 yrs of hsing I can say my biggest regret is not about curric choices, or what cool activities we didn't do etc It is for MY lack of diligence in teaching them work ethic, perseverence, and diligence whether they *want* to do something or not. I am now working on remediating that short fall and it is way harder than if I did it back then because they now have 6 years of getting away with arguements and refusals (even when they eventually did the work, they still "won" because it was on their timetable after they made the steam come out of my ears). Nip it now, spend the summer focused on character, cheerful attitude and behaviours related to school work obedience. Stop changing methods, it is not the method it is the attitude.

 

If YOU as mom can not step up at these ages and stop letting them determine whether they want to/need to/will do whatever the assignment is, then yes perhaps putting them into school before it is too late would be best. If however you are like most of us here that want to homeschool, and homeschool well and are willing to be the driving force in doing so give it another year. Do not change methods, change attitudes.

 

I would focus on the 8 yr old first, the 5 yr old I would not push the seat work, but play board games etc that will get him cooperating with you and learning while you focus on changing the attitude and work ethic of the 8 year old. Many many 5 year olds are not ready for much schooling at this point. Once things are improving with the 8 year old start introducing seatwork again to the 5 year old in small increments with the attitude of "tough cookies this is getting done now". Given their issues, it WILL get worse before it gets better. They will push back and challenge you harder than ever. Don't argue, don't fight, don't waver. Like when training obstinate puppies, "be a tree". They will see that you will not sway from this. School will be done whether they want to or not. They will see as well that if they just hop to it, school work is over very quickly compared to dragging it out all bloody day and night with attitudes.

[Ummto4]

YOu have house of littles, so pick your battle and focus on your eldest. Forget about your 5 and 3 yo (apart from occasional read aloud).

 

I don't have an ADD child but I teach a couple of ADD children in weekend school. I imagine your child is bouncy/full of energy and won't focus.

 

What seems to work is to focus only for a short time intensively, and quickly change the subject (a la CM). Second, exhaust his energy, so he's less bouncy. If he can't stand writing, act as a scribe and increase his writing load incrementally.

 

I suggest to focus on 3R's and then do FIAR conversationally, i.e. don't try to incorporate any projects/lapbooks/notebooks. Just read and talk (and relax), and sometimes, demonstrate. Yes, you won't have any written record that way, but it is still effective. Go to FIAR board for more info how to do it this way.

 

NOTE: my son is a late bloomer, and won't respond to any academic instruction before 6. I tried and it failed. At 6, I started him w/ Handwriting w/o Tears pre-K level (tried K level, but didn't work, so we had to backtrack to pre-K level). He also started to learn to read and recognized letters (slow going at first) around 6. MAth-wise, he could only count to 10 at 6, but pretty much caught up at the end of his first grade (7.5). At 10, he looks more and more 'normal' and is on target.So, even if you didn't do anything w/ your 5 yo boy, it's OKAY. Just focus on your eldest.

[Spryte]

:iagree: with the above posters.

 

If you haven't already, you might consider listening to SWB's lecture on Homeschooling the Real Child as you focus on the 8 year old.

[gabbymom]

Because you just had a baby, I would suggest you just take some time to rest and recuperate. Then after you are feeling refreshed, start planning! You've received some good suggestions. I'd add that if you begin your/their day with some physical activity...they'll be energized for more things, and (hopefully) they won't WANT to lay around. Try 30 minutes of anything that gets their hearts pumping...and see what happens!

[Critterfixer]

How about just some advice? Sometime when the kids are asleep, get you a cup of tea and go read through Charlotte Mason's comments on habit training. It sounds as if many of the difficulties you have with your school age children could be helped by habit formation.

[redsquirrel]

I strongly disagree that an 8 year old should be expected to be a 'self starter'. That takes a long time, if it happens at all. Maybe the 5 year old could do some lessons, but really only one of your kids needs to be doing lessons on a regular basis.

 

What if they don't 'want' to pick up toys? What if you need to go somewhere and they don't 'want' to go? How do you handle that? Some parents are very comfortable taking that same approach and applying it to education. Some parents are not. Quite a lot of people figure out that being a parent is enough for them. They don't also want to take on the role of educator with their kids. That is fine! It is better to know that sooner rather than later because those parents shouldn't be home schooling.

 

Why do you want to be responsible for your child's education? What do you love about it? What approach do you want to use?

 

Sometimes knowing those answers, or realizing you don't, will bring clarity about continuing.

[nellecv]

How long have you tried each of the new strategies for? I find my daughter grumbles a lot when I require her to do something new. But after a few weeks it just because a regular part of her day. Maybe you can find a system or program YOU really believe in and keep going no matter what for one month. At the end of the month you'll have a better idea if it's really not working or if it's just an adjustment issue.

[MinivanMom]

:iagree:This sounds like more of a discipline issue than a schooling issue to me. It seems like they simply don't respect their parent. :/ I would take a break for a bit and try to reign that in and then work on the schooling if it were me.

 

:iagree:

 

This isn't a homeschooling issue at all. It is an issue of discipline and respect. You need to work on this in all areas: chores, behavior in public, extracurricular activities, etc. It is hard to have a lot of little ones. I completely understand. It requires lots of organization, lots of patience, and lots of hard work. I would start with consistent expectations in all aspects of your life and work from there.

 

If you want to continue homeschooling, then you really need to be consistent. Choose a daily time that is a little quieter (when the little ones are napping or after they have gone to bed) and consistently get the schoolwork done. Start with that 8-year-old and get 20-30 min of math, 20-30 min of writing/language arts, and 20-30 min of reading. Then add in the 5-year-old. They don't have to be interested or excited or having loads of fun. Completing schoolwork must be a clear expectation and YOU must be consistent until it's a habit. Once you've built some consistency with the basics, then you can worry about adding in unit studies/extras.

 

If, on the other hand, you are overwhelmed and don't want to continue to homeschool . . . I give you permission to make another choice. :001_smile: Homeschooling isn't always the right choice for every family. Sometimes it's the right choice, but not right now. It's okay to put the older children in school for a season while you have a lot of little ones. The structure of school could help the older children develop better habits, while allowing you to focus on better discipline in areas besides academics (getting up on time, completing chores, etc). Maybe you will pull them back out after a year or two . . . maybe not. Either way, it will be okay.

 

My biggest worry would be that you are so overwhelmed that you aren't enjoying your children. They will only be little for a short time. Whatever you choose to do, you want your home to be a place of refuge and love for your children. Only you know which changes will help your family get there.

[LittleIzumi]

The others have mentioned a lot of what I would say. I just have a couple of things to add.

 

1) The ADD. Is that being treated? I was pulling my hair with my oldest until I finally brought her in for the lowest level of ADD medication. It has made such a huge difference, way more than any of the natural/working around it methods we were using.

 

2) Doing the same worksheets every day would bore me to death, and my kids too. I know you mentioned trying other programs, but you did specifically say you're doing the same worksheets daily, and that would probably not be the best curricula for an ADD child while you guys are working on doing school even if its boring. It doesn't have to be quite that boring. ;)

 

3) :grouphug: Are you getting time to yourself to destress? We feed off each other's moods.

[Ellie]

at what point to you decide it's not working?

 

I'm about to give up here.

 

I have tried every approach it seems. My last resort is just to strew unit studies and FIAR books and read them randomly (to my preschooler but the others will hear it) and assign worksheets for the 3R's with rewards.

 

I have 2 kids with somewhat special needs. My oldest is dx OCD/ADD and my 3rd child is just like him, so I know it's coming if I get her tested.

 

No one wants to do school. yet no one wants to do unit studies projects either. I will try to implement ideas from the curriculum. My DS (5) will just flat out say he doesn't want to do it. My 8yo will do it but then only for about 5 mins. then he is done, he doesn't even know what he drew. Just did it to be done. No matter what I choose, we have done KONOS, HOD, tried ONLY doing the 3 R's & giving them more free time to pursue.

 

mainly either one or all will just lay around the house. They do not want to do ANYTHING. I feel like giving up. At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think? If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. I need a little variety. the problem is they don;t want to do either. I have even tried schooling/learning while we are out places lke the park programs. etc. no one likes them and they just want to fight all the time. it is really getting to the point it is basic defiance but who wants to FORCE their kids to do fun activities or even homeschool every day.

 

i think I am ready to be done, but I have worked so hard to get this far. please help. I am confused. :(

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Honey, let me be honest. :-)

 

Your children are very young, and yet you've thrown a boatload of different methods and materials at them in a short amount of time. And when I'm looking at KONOS and HOD, both of which are year-long (at least) programs, I'm wondering just how long you worked with each one before tossing it out.

 

Expecting an 8yo child to be a "self starter" when it comes to *schoolwork*??

 

Worksheets 4 or 5 days a week? for children as young as yours? :ack2:.

 

How can you "force" your dc to do fun activities?:001_huh: And trying to sneak in Official School Stuff while at the park or other outing...well, you've seen how that works.

 

And just because you've tried diffrent things doesn't mean you should throw in the towel. Most homeschoolers take several years to figure out what works for them.

 

Personally, I don't equate making young children sit down to do school work with discipline, although it *may* be indicative of discipline issues iin other areas. I don't know, 'cuz I'm not a fly on your wall. :) That may be something for you to consider.

 

At any rate, my first recommendation would be not even to try to do anything that looks like school until at least September--not because September is a magical month for Doing School :D but because y'all just need to take some time off and be a family (I would tell you the same thing if it was January). You might consider tomato staking. Also, read this article about not doing any formal math with younger dc.

 

And read some books for yourself, too: TWTM (of course), Charlotte Mason, John Holt, Dr. Moore...books which offer differing educational styles and philosophies, which may help you figure out what yours is. *Then* decide what you're going to do.

[Nestof3]

Your kids are so young. Self-starters in work? My eldest was like that in high school, but he worked 30 hours a week and homeschooled. He's graduating from college this summer, and he's needed kicks in the rear several times.

 

I'm not positive when self-motivation kicks in, but I don't wait for it before I require my boys to just do their job. Your kids really wouldn't be doing much at their ages. Require the basics of the school-age and read the rest as a family on the couch. Do much orally at this age. Keep it simple, really. Math, language arts, and read lots of books.

[honeymommy4]

I don't know if what i mean is coming across right. they are low-energy. they just want to lay around. NOT bouncy or full of energy at all. not wanting to do anything. not even play with toys, etc.

 

You see we havent ben doing school since I had the baby. we are gong on vaca. next week so i was going to start school back up when we return. so they are kind of on summer break. But I was trying to come up with some activities just so I am involved in their day. They might do the things half heartedly. Am I going to punish because DS spent 5 mins. on a drawing rather than 20?

 

BTW what extra chores do you assign for not complying? because when i do this i have one that does the chore half heartedly and another that gets super angry etc. i can punish for the anger but it just makes him more angry. I get that this sounds like disobedience but it is them just not wanting to do anythign, not even creative play. I hear people say structure them and make them do certain things at certain times. how long does this last being difficult and when do they start enjoying their time with you (if at all??)

 

also when they get sidetracked I forget to keep track of what htey are doing if they are assigned some kind of activity (structure) because I am feeding the baby etc.

Edited June 20, 2012 by honeymommy4

[Georgiana Daniels]

Sorry you're going through this! I understand your frustration :grouphug:

 

I agree with the PP's that mentioned the kids not wanting to do school as more of a discipline issue. Even if they went to traditional school, they'd have to do activities they weren't crazy about.

 

Consider asking an expert who instructs children with your kids' diagnoses, and see if they have suggestions as to what you can use to engage your children. But definitely address the other issue first.

[mrs.m]

You see we havent ben doing school since I had the baby. we are gong on vaca. next week so i was going to start school back up when we return. so they are kind of on summer break. But I was trying to come up with some activities just so I am involved in their day. They might do the things half heartedly. Am I going to punish because DS spent 5 mins. on a drawing rather than 20?

 

BTW what extra chores do you assign for not complying? because when i do this i have one that does the chore half heartedly and another that gets super angry etc. i can punish for the anger but it just makes him more angry. I get that this sounds like disobedience but it is them just not wanting to do anythign, not even creative play. I hear people say structure them and make them do certain things at certain times. how long does this last being difficult and when do they start enjoying their time with you (if at all??)

 

also when they get sidetracked I forget to keep track of what htey are doing if they are assigned some kind of activity (structure) because I am feeding the baby etc.

 

You don't punish, but you require him to follow your instructions. He was supposed to draw for 20 minutes, then encourage him to add more to the picture to make it more within what you were hoping to accomplish. Or adjust that expectation on your own behalf. Maybe he doesn't need 20 minutes? I'm not necessarily a "time the activity" type. It's more, finish it and do it well. If they can provide their best effort in 10 minutes, then we move on.

 

The chores I assign are based on the offense and how long they are grounded from screens and social time. It's more to give them something to do so they aren't being bored in front of me. ;) Half-hearted chores should be redone until they are done all the way and as instructed. So this takes a lot of work on my behalf because I have to follow-up again and again.

 

And I struggle with your last point. I have difficulty following-up. So I keep a post-it note on the door frame (sometimes I think I need it on my forehead!) to remind me to check on the progress and redirect as necessary. I will probably always have to redirect. When I let go of the idea that my kids will just do thing correctly and without being asked, life got better for me. I'm hoping maturity will fix some of it. It has gotten better with my 12yo.

[Walking-Iris]

okay--I'm going to be the lone voice here and say that saying it's just a "discipline" issue is very annoying to me. She mentioned in her OP that her child has OCD/ADD and she suspects another does as well.

 

My 9 year old is on the spectrum (pdd-nos) with OCD/anxiety and he is a lovely little boy who respects his parents BUT his issues do get in the way at times and he will act in ways that other parents would consider "disrespect" or "undisciplined" without knowing what I know about what he struggles with daily.

 

My ds "hates" school, never wants to do it, would gladly rot in from of a tv or computer screen or draw endlessly in his room if I let him. It's not from lack of discipline or structure or routines or parental expectations. He honestly cannot help himself falling into the broken record groove in his brain. I'll be honest, meds have helped, although I resisted for years. I do have to force him a lot of mornings to do the simplest things even though he has been inundated with every kind of chart recommended for kids on the spectrum. I have to just sit down and flat out tell him that he has no choice but to do his schoolwork. And just try my best to cheerfully keep on it throughout any resistance. I have had to become real skilled at knowing when he's struggling due to his dx's and when he's being a typical 9 year old trying to get out of something. I think you have to be very careful to not let learned helplessness and self-fulfilling prophecies to take over. Don't let a dx become an excuse, but do learn how to work with and around it.

 

You have to get rid of the illusion right now that homeschooling kid's with special needs of any sort is going to resemble in any way the sugar-coated, lovely time that others make it out to be. <hint: don't read blogs ;)>

 

I'm not homeschooling my child because I have grand plans of spending my day a la Satori Smiles, kwim? I continue to homeschool because I want to give my smart, capable, creative ds a chance that I feel he would more than likely be denied at a ps. It's too easy for kid's like ours to be shunted aside into spec ed and LD programs that have little to no intention of challenging them. I would rather accept that my kid has challenges and address those at home and give him the chance to learn at his pace and to challenge him to go past his comfort level and try some harder tasks.

 

It's extremely difficult to pull him out of "his world" that he gets lost in and to make him realize the value in math and history reading etc. I do plan fun projects, and there have been plenty of times he has wandered off, but I don't care if I'm the one gluing, cutting and building, he will stay with me and we'll talk about it and he will participate where and how he is able. Exposure and expanding the world is more important with kid's suffering with certain issues than maybe others who have their natural curiosity intact.

 

I expect, if not a cheerful attitude, at least no open hostility. I realize that the OCD self in him finds hiding in his room and writing lists over and over of certain characters necessary, but it will have to wait because *this* is the time for learning long division. There is a balance you have to strike with these kiddos between giving them choices and flat out telling what's next, like it or not.

 

My ds also does not "play" very well. It's a limitation of his dx. You have to keep your energy high to be their brain in a way. To keep fun activities available, to be the one initiating games and such. Another illusion you can get rid of right now is the one parents of nt kids take for granted--that our kids will just "go play" and we are blissfully left to pursue adult interests and tasks. We have to be INVOLVED to a much higher degree than I see a lot of other parents being. Some kids do not know how to play creatively, do not know what to do with a pile of blocks or lump of playdoh.

 

For the OP I suggest (for the low-energy) looking into the Out of Sync books and Brain Gym books, think about an OT eval if you haven't, and put nonnegotiable, even severe, limits on screens. They tend to zap sn kids energies even more rather than help imho. There could be some underlying sensory issues that an ot could help with.

 

If your kid is not enjoying anything, has ocd, and low energy it may be time to look into meds. Talk to your dr. I resisted but as soon as my ds had a low dose zoloft he began to open up and be much more willing to try new things and let go of some compulsions and stims.

 

You have to change your expectations about "enjoyment" as well. Take your successes where they come and don't give up. Try hard to quell any disappointment and take time to come to grips with the fact that any fantasy you may have had about your kid's personality or abilities and your homeschooling experience may just have to be let go. I've been there, I've mourned the "loss" of what I dreamed about my ds while he was a baby etc. But letting that go and accepting and loving and appreciating "what it is" in regards to homeschooling him has actually helped me enjoy and appreciate the quirks in my family.

 

HTH

Edited June 20, 2012 by Walking-Iris

[Heather in VA]

The others have mentioned a lot of what I would say. I just have a couple of things to add.

 

1) The ADD. Is that being treated? I was pulling my hair with my oldest until I finally brought her in for the lowest level of ADD medication. It has made such a huge difference, way more than any of the natural/working around it methods we were using.

 

2) Doing the same worksheets every day would bore me to death, and my kids too. I know you mentioned trying other programs, but you did specifically say you're doing the same worksheets daily, and that would probably not be the best curricula for an ADD child while you guys are working on doing school even if its boring. It doesn't have to be quite that boring. ;)

 

3) :grouphug: Are you getting time to yourself to destress? We feed off each other's moods.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Especially on the first note... I am not a crazy medicator either but used judiciously it can be a life-saver. My current 9 year old is ADHD and when she was five I figured I would sell her to a zoo rather than put up with her another minute. Either she would just laze there and grunt at me if I tried to engage her or she would just run all over the place. She couldn't read but we knew she had the tools (she could sound out a word and knew all her phonograms etc). So her reaction was to tell me she wouldn't do it. DH was firmly against medication and told her to 'just do her school work'. When I was at my wits end I made a deal with DH. We'd try medication if and only if we could find something that would have minimal side effects and clearly helped. The first day... she read an entire book. She just hadn't had the ability focus long enough to read a sentence let alone a page or a book. Things that looked like disobedience were really her being unable to control her ADHD. She is now off meds and I do have to remind her to focus a bit more than I did on them, we don't find school as impossible as we did back then.

 

So while I completely agree with the posters that say we all have to do things we don't want to and you need to make sure they understand that they don't have a choice, make sure you are taking the ADHD seriously. I don't want to imply they are incapable of behaving, only that the ADHD makes what is a struggle for every kid (learning that you just have to suck it up and do what you don't like) even more difficult.

 

Heather

[Heather in VA]

Ok - just skip my post... Walking-Iris said it all so much better. What a terrific post!!

 

Heather

[FairProspects]

.

[FairProspects]

Ok - just skip my post... Walking-Iris said it all so much better. What a terrific post!!

 

Heather

 

:iagree:Awesome! Exactly what I was getting at as well.

[Nestof3]

What is their diet like? Are they getting enough sleep at night? Do they play outside, run around, etc.? (exercise) How much screen time are they getting daily?

 

I don't know if what i mean is coming across right. they are low-energy. they just want to lay around. NOT bouncy or full of energy at all. not wanting to do anything. not even play with toys, etc.

 

You see we havent ben doing school since I had the baby. we are gong on vaca. next week so i was going to start school back up when we return. so they are kind of on summer break. But I was trying to come up with some activities just so I am involved in their day. They might do the things half heartedly. Am I going to punish because DS spent 5 mins. on a drawing rather than 20?

 

BTW what extra chores do you assign for not complying? because when i do this i have one that does the chore half heartedly and another that gets super angry etc. i can punish for the anger but it just makes him more angry. I get that this sounds like disobedience but it is them just not wanting to do anythign, not even creative play. I hear people say structure them and make them do certain things at certain times. how long does this last being difficult and when do they start enjoying their time with you (if at all??)

 

also when they get sidetracked I forget to keep track of what htey are doing if they are assigned some kind of activity (structure) because I am feeding the baby etc.

[Pen]

Hi, I haven't read the other replies, but here are some thoughts. The first is that you also post this on the Special Needs board here because some people there may have thoughts particular to the SN issues.

at what point to you decide it's not working?

 

I'm about to give up here.

 

I have tried every approach it seems. My last resort is just to strew unit studies and FIAR books and read them randomly (to my preschooler but the others will hear it) and assign worksheets for the 3R's with rewards.

I think I'd suggest having read aloud time, both you reading to them, and them to you, for all that level, and math for all at that level, which is to say, at least the 8 year old. I am not sure about the rewards part...that can backfire depending upon what the reward is.

 

 

I have 2 kids with somewhat special needs. My oldest is dx OCD/ADD and my 3rd child is just like him, so I know it's coming if I get her tested. Why I think you should also post on Special Needs, not all the experienced people there read here it seems.

 

No one wants to do school. yet no one wants to do unit studies projects either. I will try to implement ideas from the curriculum. My DS (5) will just flat out say he doesn't want to do it. My 8yo will do it but then only for about 5 mins. then he is done, he doesn't even know what he drew. Just did it to be done. No matter what I choose, we have done KONOS, HOD, tried ONLY doing the 3 R's & giving them more free time to pursue. Don't try to make it fun. Get a minimum amount done. Work toward good attitude too if possible--or at least an absence of bad attitude.

 

mainly either one or all will just lay around the house. I would give the option to spend day in bed if sick, otherwise to get going and do what needs to be done. If they did not do what needs to be done, then I would take the attitude that says that must mean your are sick or needing rest for growth or that your body is saying that you need sleep and will not be able to do anything but rest in bed. And I would check if they are in fact getting enough sleep. Maybe they are not.They do not want to do ANYTHING. I feel like giving up. At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think?Well. Eventually. But hardly any are much good at that at the ages yours are at. If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. I need a little variety. the problem is they don;t want to do either. Okay. Well, that is really important! And my guess is your attitude is working its way down to the children. Either you need to find a way to make it something you do want to do, or you need to find a tutor, or you need to send them to brick and mortar school.I have even tried schooling/learning while we are out places lke the park programs. etc. no one likes them and they just want to fight all the time. it is really getting to the point it is basic defiance Yes. It sounds that way. And that is a reason to try to figure it out since you will still need to cope with their behavior even if you have a tutor or send them to school.but who wants to FORCE their kids to do fun activities or even homeschool every day. That they do not want to do "fun" activities either is interesting. I am not sure what that indicates. Again, I think the SN board might help.

 

i think I am ready to be done, but I have worked so hard to get this far. please help. I am confused. :(

:grouphug:

 

Try Peter Spevak's book Motivating Underachievers. Try a book called "Beyond Time Out" (I think more than one have that title, I think this one had 2 female authors). Try some things that deal specifically with children with ADD and executive function issues. Consider that you yourself may have some ADD type issues leading to you yourself feeling like you don't want to ______, and perhaps that can be worked with. A lot of us whose children have SN find that a parent also has similar struggles, but that perhaps were not quite so severe as to be recognized till parenthood reveals it. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited June 20, 2012 by Pen

[5LittleMonkeys]

:grouphug: honeymommy4 - you say that they don't even want to play with toys during the day...is the tv on? If it is, you need to turn it off, or better yet put it away in the attic or closet for awhile. Tv is the best way to ensure lazy, unmotivated, un-cooperative dc.

[Pen]

:iagree: these need to be looked at:

What is their diet like? Are they getting enough sleep at night? Do they play outside, run around, etc.? (exercise) How much screen time are they getting daily?

[swellmomma]

Many of us who responded that it is a discipline issue have kids with issues like her's. My kids have a long list, 2 with conduct disorder and 1 with ODD in addition to the rest of the issues (ADHD, 2 being screened for spectrum, multiple processing disorders, visual issues etc), I also have BTDT for a very long time on these issues. The oldest 2 were Dx with CD at ages 6 &7, that is not common to have a such a severe Dx at such a young age and does not have a good prognosis into adulthood as a result.

 

That said while I agree with working with issues they still have to step up to the plate.

 

I know full well the toll these kids place on a parent, on a family. Oldest is turning 14, his Conduct disorder is improving but barely. If there is not significant changes in him in the next 4 years his Dx will change to antisocial personality disorder aka psychopath. I know exactly how difficult it is to parent these kids let alone be teacher too. In the end it is still best addressed as a discipline issue. These kids will push and push and push, manipulate, cajole, whine etc to everything they can to a)get what they want, b) get out of what they don't and c) drive you crazy for sh*ts and giggles.

 

Don't make the mistakes I did, I let too much go, I tried to believe it was something he couldn't help, that to punish for his refuses to comply with little things like math worksheets would be wrong etc. I coddled us into a flipping war zone, because here we are, him as a teen, with teen attitude on top of all the rest, and no respect for me, and it is my own ****ed fault.

 

Make accomodations to assist if needed with the ADD/OCD but having those does not mean there is no discipline for disrespect and noncompliance in regards to schoolwork. School is non-negotiable even with special needs. No you likely will not be skipping down the street with your kids and singing about rainbows, things will be different than a homeschool with NT kids. BUT that does not give the kids a free pass to not learning.

 

Do not allow your kids issues become their excuses.

[honeymommy4]

OK, so I get the other viewpoint, too. making them do just regular chores is very hard!! but they get them done.

 

here's the full picture. I might allow 1 hr of TV per day,. usually it is just one show (20-30 mins) We do not even have the TV on other times until they are in bed. no TV in their rooms. I might allow up to an hour of Reading Eggs in the afternoon. (computer)

 

they have what some would consider a large backyard with a larger swingset for the older kids, a small one, and small sandbox, etc. they are encouraged to go outside several times per day. sometimes i make them. :)

 

My DS (8) and DD (3) and I are all gluten free. Other than that we eat a pretty low-carb diet because we are all hypoglycemic as well. my other DS's can eat gluten with almost no side effects in behavior so we have been allowing them regular bread (when we can match it in GF) mostly we eat a lot of protein and not a lot of sugar, but they are allowed dessert if they eat dinner, DD eats reasonably, etc.

 

So maybe it is time to consider meds for my DS. he is the only one who has been evaluated. The advice we got was send him to school, no meds right now. I get the impression they want the teachers to recommend meds..? Then he was sent to a therapist which he hated (some woman)

it did no good because he was being encouraged to let go of the OCD and every time we would see her he would say afterwards "I hate that place, never going back not going to change, etc." they were nice & helpful but if he doesn't want to change its not going to happen. at $100 per appt. i opted out.

 

here are some things he still deals with. Working on getting him to NOT tie his shoes SUPER tight so that his legs hurt when he walks. He was not wanting to walk or run a lot because his legs hurt. we figured out it was that he was tying them way too tight and also bruising his feet. he was upset that he would have to learn to loosen them a bit. :confused:

 

I think my main confusion is i get the message in the homeschooling world to engage your children, and make learning fun (to a point - make it interesting) but then that doesn't work and strict book-only learning doesn't work... so if you are backing off and just doing the 3 R's or in some people's cases not even math yet - what ARE they doing all day? Because my oldest will just lie around, my 5yo is repeating this behavior (but not tendency toward it) and my DD FOLLOWS me around all day or lays around but does not want to actuallly DO anything with me or at all.. :001_huh:

 

I think I am just going to involve the boys ins ome summer chores like painting the fence, etc. so they will appreciate their free time..?

[Pen]

:grouphug: honeymommy4 - you say that they don't even want to play with toys during the day...is the tv on? If it is, you need to turn it off, or better yet put it away in the attic or closet for awhile. Tv is the best way to ensure lazy, unmotivated, un-cooperative dc.

 

Even the electromagnetic exposure without watching can be a problem. In fact, other things in your (OP's) house or neighborhood could be causing them problems in electromagnetic or other environmental health ways that could account for some of the problems you are having. Foods also...for example, some children are sped up by sugar, but others are zonked out by them...or gluten...or milk products. Etc. Preservatives, colorings, sugar substitutes, etc. etc. also commonly cause problems for SN children.

 

I think you need to start with looking at the health issues of sleep, exposures, etc. as your first step. BTW, is your infant also showing any symptoms? How is your own energy level?

 

ETA: this crossed with the OP post that explained more about the TV, gluten, etc.

Edited June 20, 2012 by Pen

[honeymommy4]

I would love to trash the TV but it is DH's evening thing.

[honeymommy4]

Those of you that say discipline will help - what do you recommend the afternoons be structured like ? in what order say from 1-5pm

[warneral]

I think. The reason do many thought it sounded like a discipline mindset is because you said "they don't want"

 

I still think that a child (even one with disabilities) will continue "not wanting" when mom thinks she can't expect them to if they don't want to. I would suggest changing that mindset. It doesn't have to equal punitive circumstances, but conversations as was suggested about learning to do what we don't want.

 

Focus on character and doing his best work. If he says he doesn't want to, perhaps that is a good time to have a conversation about why. Perhaps he is frustrated that he can't concentrate? If so consider meds. Perhaps he ju st wants to have a bad attitude? That is a character issue that you need to work out now while he is 8. Sending him to school won't fix a character issue like that. It will still need to be handled at home.

 

I could be off base but wanted to give my opinion. Best wishes! Sometimes parenting can be so frustrating.

[swellmomma]

Those of you that say discipline will help - what do you recommend the afternoons be structured like ? in what order say from 1-5pm

 

Our afternoons from 1-3 is quiet time so the 2 year old can nap. During that time we finish some bigger projects, or the kids watch a documentary, craft or other things we just can't do with a noisy busy 2 yr old around. At 3 we have a light snack. If the weather is nice from 3-5 is outside time. My kids go call on friends at 330pm when they get home from school, or they work on building things in teh garage or help me weed the gardens etc while the little ride bikes and play on the slide etc. I stay out there with them sometimes working, sometimes in a lawn chair, sometimes sprawled on the chaise. Lately I have laid on teh chaise flipping through my RR catalogue while the littles play with musical instruments, use sidewalk chalk and blow bubbles.

 

If the weather is bad from 3-5 we play games, do crafts, they go on the computer, sensory bin is out for the littles etc.

 

So it is not school time but it is still structured free time, basically they have teh freedom to chose from a set of options that I have determined. As they have gotten older and had more freedoms they can leave to play with friends, or ride bikes etc. The bigs also like to pop over to the library in the afternoon (on the few days it is open) and chose some new books without me(it is only 1 block up from us), or they go run an errand for me in town (pick up apples for snack, walk the dogs, or get the mail etc).

 

This coming week I am introducing my oldest to wood burning as a handicraft to work with on crummy days.

 

And on occasion when it is nasty out and we are all just cranky, I make popcorn and hot chocolate or tea, pop on a movie and we all have a snack and watch a movie for a while, usually a disney or pixar one so that gives us 1.5-2 hours of close time together without actual facetime to cause the fighting to pick up again.

 

At 5, my bigs come home if they were with friends, 1 daycare kid is gone and I start dinner, 2nd kid leaves at 530-545ish and we eat at 6

[Ellie]

I think my main confusion is i get the message in the homeschooling world to engage your children, and make learning fun (to a point - make it interesting) but then that doesn't work and strict book-only learning doesn't work... so if you are backing off and just doing the 3 R's or in some people's cases not even math yet - what ARE they doing all day? Because my oldest will just lie around, my 5yo is repeating this behavior (but not tendency toward it) and my DD FOLLOWS me around all day or lays around but does not want to actuallly DO anything with me or at all.. :001_huh:

Learning isn't always "fun." :) But with children as young as yours, it doesn't have to be every-day-just-like-school, either.

 

As I said before, you have tried a boatload of different things in a very short amount of time, and so none of them long enough to become a true part of your life (which is what must happen, IMHO). That your dc lie around and/or follow you around might be part and parcel with your own lack of focus. Just being honest, here. :-)

 

I think I am just going to involve the boys ins ome summer chores like painting the fence, etc. so they will appreciate their free time..?

I think that's a good idea, but not because they might learn to appreciate their free time, but because it's good for them.

 

Your children are too young for you to be worried about their learning to appreciate their free time.

[Pen]

OK, so I get the other viewpoint, too. making them do just regular chores is very hard!! but they get them done.

 

here's the full picture. I might allow 1 hr of TV per day,. usually it is just one show (20-30 mins) We do not even have the TV on other times until they are in bed. no TV in their rooms. I might allow up to an hour of Reading Eggs in the afternoon. (computer)ZERO TV. NONE. NADA. ZERO COMPUTER. NONE. NADA. And as soon as you are done with learning what you can from this thread, get away from all these things being on...at all. Even for you as an adult. The volume of evidence about this being a problem is mounting daily. And they do not need to be the ones watching to be exposed. Also, cell phones and cordless phones are sources of such radiation.

 

they have what some would consider a large backyard with a larger swingset for the older kids, a small one, and small sandbox, etc. they are encouraged to go outside several times per day. sometimes i make them. :)

 

My DS (8) and DD (3) and I are all gluten free. Other than that we eat a pretty low-carb diet because we are all hypoglycemic as well. my other DS's can eat gluten with almost no side effects in behavior so we have been allowing them regular bread (when we can match it in GF) mostly we eat a lot of protein and not a lot of sugar, but they are allowed dessert if they eat dinner, DD eats reasonably, etc. sounds like you are already dealing with food issues, but keep considering that

 

So maybe it is time to consider meds for my DS. he is the only one who has been evaluated. The advice we got was send him to school, no meds right now. I get the impression they want the teachers to recommend meds..? Then he was sent to a therapist which he hated (some woman)

it did no good because he was being encouraged to let go of the OCD and every time we would see her he would say afterwards "I hate that place, never going back not going to change, etc." they were nice & helpful but if he doesn't want to change its not going to happen. at $100 per appt. i opted out.

 

here are some things he still deals with. Working on getting him to NOT tie his shoes SUPER tight so that his legs hurt when he walks. He was not wanting to walk or run a lot because his legs hurt. we figured out it was that he was tying them way too tight and also bruising his feet. he was upset that he would have to learn to loosen them a bit. :confused:sounds like a sensory processing disorder as well could be an issue

 

I think my main confusion is i get the message in the homeschooling world to engage your children, and make learning fun (to a point - make it interesting) but then that doesn't work and strict book-only learning doesn't work... so if you are backing off and just doing the 3 R's or in some people's cases not even math yet - what ARE they doing all day? Because my oldest will just lie around, my 5yo is repeating this behavior (but not tendency toward it) and my DD FOLLOWS me around all day or lays around but does not want to actuallly DO anything with me or at all.. :001_huh: That is the 3 year old? that might be all right, just to follow and watch what your are doing and learn some that way. You can talk about what you are doing, such as "now Mommy is folding the clothes, and big brother is folding his clothes, and big sister is folding washcloths."...

 

I think I am just going to involve the boys ins ome summer chores like painting the fence, etc. so they will appreciate their free time..?

 

I think having your children all work together with you on various chores (activities) whatever those may be through the summer sounds like a good plan. Maybe a sitter to be available to help watch over the very youngest would help too, so you can be more free to take your eyes off that and focus on the activities with the olders. But yes, everyone could have socks on hands and do dusting at each ones ability level, or even just wear the hand sock dusters while riding in a Snugli type thing if too young to really do it. Everyone could do things in a garden, often a baby can even at least pat the ground or smooth some dirt over a seed someone else has placed. An 8 year old can dig and weed and so on and so forth. Fence painting could be great. Mine did some "house painting" with plain water when stlll to young to do well or be safe with real paint. I'd suggest doing this as the main focus of the summer--not as a punishment idea--but as participating in the household tasks. I would not expect any independence in it, but be right there with them doing it.

[ktgrok]

at what point to you decide it's not working?

 

I'm about to give up here.

 

I have tried every approach it seems. My last resort is just to strew unit studies and FIAR books and read them randomly (to my preschooler but the others will hear it) and assign worksheets for the 3R's with rewards.

 

I have 2 kids with somewhat special needs. My oldest is dx OCD/ADD and my 3rd child is just like him, so I know it's coming if I get her tested.

 

No one wants to do school. yet no one wants to do unit studies projects either. I will try to implement ideas from the curriculum. My DS (5) will just flat out say he doesn't want to do it. My 8yo will do it but then only for about 5 mins. then he is done, he doesn't even know what he drew. Just did it to be done. No matter what I choose, we have done KONOS, HOD, tried ONLY doing the 3 R's & giving them more free time to pursue.

 

mainly either one or all will just lay around the house. They do not want to do ANYTHING. I feel like giving up. At a certain point I do think a homeschooled child has to be somewhat a self-starter, don't you think? If they are guided in a certain direction? Doing the exact same worksheets every day, 4 or 5 days a week is really hard for me. I need a little variety. the problem is they don;t want to do either. I have even tried schooling/learning while we are out places lke the park programs. etc. no one likes them and they just want to fight all the time. it is really getting to the point it is basic defiance but who wants to FORCE their kids to do fun activities or even homeschool every day.

 

i think I am ready to be done, but I have worked so hard to get this far. please help. I am confused. :(

 

This will sound harsh, I'm sorry. But stop expecting it to be fun. Assign work and demand it be done. If they don't want to brush their teeth do you let them quit that? Of course not. Same here. They need to do a certain amount of work each day. Put their assignments on a white board, or use work boxes, or just write out a list, but have some kind of physical tangible way to show how much they have to do that day. Let them cross off each thing that gets done. Then do it.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Will they play games with you? If you set up the table with playdough and playdough tools will they play with it? What about a table set up with different types of paper and paints? Will they cook\bake with you?

 

I'm hearing you say that they won't voluntarily "go play", but if you engage in something with them or set something up and hover\conversate\participate will they participate?

[Pen]

I would love to trash the TV but it is DH's evening thing.

 

Have the children out elsewhere while he watches. Unplug it the rest of the time.

[FairProspects]

I still think that a child (even one with disabilities) will continue "not wanting" when mom thinks she can't expect them to if they don't want to. I would suggest changing that mindset. It doesn't have to equal punitive circumstances, but conversations as was suggested about learning to do what we don't want.

 

I'm not convinced the parent can do this. It seems to me that this is a choice for the child to make, not the parent. I can insist on *behavior* that does not complain, and completed work before privileges are allowed but I am not in control of dc's mindset. Ds will rarely if ever want to do school, and I can get him to do it since it is required of him, but I cannot make him like it. That is his own internal motivation that must come into play. I can hopefully entice him into learning, and show him passion for life and all its adventures by living my own, but otherwise it is up to him how he chooses to feel about it. As long as he does his work and keeps his negative feelings to himself, my job is done.

[Pen]

I'm not convinced the parent can do this. It seems to me that this is a choice for the child to make, not the parent. I can insist on *behavior* that does not complain, and completed work before privileges are allowed but I am not in control of dc's mindset. Ds will rarely if ever want to do school, and I can get him to do it since it is required of him, but I cannot make him like it. That is his own internal motivation that must come into play. I can hopefully entice him into learning, and show him passion for life and all its adventures by living my own, but otherwise it is up to him how he chooses to feel about it. As long as he does his work and keeps his negative feelings to himself, my job is done.

:iagree:

 

What the parents can change is their own mindsets, however. And that can make a difference.

 

 

Even if the children are sent to school, it usually falls on the parents to make sure the children to their homework, etc. (and often teachers deal with things not done at school by making it homework), so dealing with all this will probably continue to be something the parents need to do. Or more typically that the mom needs to do.

[Nestof3]

My youngest has had sensory issues his entire childhood, though they are improving as he gets older. He is also very slow to adapt to and handle change. I have learned to let him wear the same things every day if I can get away with it, and I have also learned to warn him when something is coming up -- like, "Ten more minutes and we will have to start school." He has been a very difficult child.

 

I learned a lot reading Raising Your Spirited Child, for example. He struggles with boredom, and I am constantly placing him on screen time restrictions.

 

 

OK, so I get the other viewpoint, too. making them do just regular chores is very hard!! but they get them done.

 

here's the full picture. I might allow 1 hr of TV per day,. usually it is just one show (20-30 mins) We do not even have the TV on other times until they are in bed. no TV in their rooms. I might allow up to an hour of Reading Eggs in the afternoon. (computer)

 

they have what some would consider a large backyard with a larger swingset for the older kids, a small one, and small sandbox, etc. they are encouraged to go outside several times per day. sometimes i make them. :)

 

My DS (8) and DD (3) and I are all gluten free. Other than that we eat a pretty low-carb diet because we are all hypoglycemic as well. my other DS's can eat gluten with almost no side effects in behavior so we have been allowing them regular bread (when we can match it in GF) mostly we eat a lot of protein and not a lot of sugar, but they are allowed dessert if they eat dinner, DD eats reasonably, etc.

 

So maybe it is time to consider meds for my DS. he is the only one who has been evaluated. The advice we got was send him to school, no meds right now. I get the impression they want the teachers to recommend meds..? Then he was sent to a therapist which he hated (some woman)

it did no good because he was being encouraged to let go of the OCD and every time we would see her he would say afterwards "I hate that place, never going back not going to change, etc." they were nice & helpful but if he doesn't want to change its not going to happen. at $100 per appt. i opted out.

 

here are some things he still deals with. Working on getting him to NOT tie his shoes SUPER tight so that his legs hurt when he walks. He was not wanting to walk or run a lot because his legs hurt. we figured out it was that he was tying them way too tight and also bruising his feet. he was upset that he would have to learn to loosen them a bit. :confused:

 

I think my main confusion is i get the message in the homeschooling world to engage your children, and make learning fun (to a point - make it interesting) but then that doesn't work and strict book-only learning doesn't work... so if you are backing off and just doing the 3 R's or in some people's cases not even math yet - what ARE they doing all day? Because my oldest will just lie around, my 5yo is repeating this behavior (but not tendency toward it) and my DD FOLLOWS me around all day or lays around but does not want to actuallly DO anything with me or at all.. :001_huh:

 

I think I am just going to involve the boys ins ome summer chores like painting the fence, etc. so they will appreciate their free time..?

[CatholicMom]

:grouphug:

 

Well, to be honest, I agree that part of the issue sounds like a discipline problem. And there's probably more to it than that. It's never just "one thing." My guess is you need to look at these issues:

 

1) discipline / attitude problems - they overlap, IMO. Downright rotten attitudes (folding arms, "I don't want to," stomping, doing super lazy jobs as a form of defiance or to see what they can get away with, certainly saying "no" to mom, etc, etc, needs to be dealt with seriously. Dad might have to get involved and back you up.

 

2) a too much video games and/or TV problem - That's fine if your dh wants to watch in the evening for a few hours. But if every spare moment outside of school your kids would rather lay on the couch and watch the tube or play video games than play with their toys or go outside or read a book, then you've got yourself a tv problem. If that's the case, if you cut back the kids' screen time (computer, too) big time (like 1 hour a day tops), you will see a drastic improvement, if not in obedience (that's a discipline thing and will take time), then in their interest in doing something besides laying on the couch. You will be amazed at the things they find to do... *after* you get through the days or week when they try to change your mind and lay around saying "I'm bored" 100 times a day. If they know you're not budging, they will become interested in other things.

 

3) don't expect school to be fun all the time - Maybe you don't. But I do know that it's easy to look at all the cheery, snuggly pictures online and in the SL catalog, etc, and think... geez. Our school is boring. We don't look like we're having that fun. My kids don't look like that. I totally get that in my head sometimes and it gets depressing. But real life is sometimes we just get done what we need to get done and check it off the list. The kids are learning long-term even if we aren't all glued to some exciting experiment every day and my kids are wearing T shirts and socks that don't match instead of cute Roman togas. But if the TV or computer or video games are truly an issue in your house, this too, school will be come that much *more* fun. Your field trips will be fun. You won't have to force them to to your fun activities because the glowing box isn't in the back of their mind. And along the "school isn't always fun" line, don't expect to entertain the kids all the time or feel defeated or like a sub-par homeschool mom when your kids don't want to do grammar.

 

 

Also, don't get too heavy on rewards or they will have their eye on the prize and not learn to take pride in their work. Teaching young kids to start taking pride in their work is easier said than done, but just sayin that I know from experience, rewards can do wonders for a time, but you have to be careful because kids get a one-tracked mind real quick and it bites you in the butt when they start asking "what will you give me, if I do it?"

 

Don't throw in the towel just yet. It takes moms years to get down their routine. I have said that I think it takes as long to get used to homeschooling as it does to get used to being married. It took me about 7 years to really, truly be used to being married and find my groove. I'm starting year 4 with homeschooling and I'd say I'm about on track. :tongue_smilie:

 

For different reasons, I literally thought about quitting last year. It was rough. Real rough. I have a lot of littles and homeschooling in a tiny house with 5 kids, including a 3 yr old and baby was driving me mad and I almost lost my will. But I made some changes, and I'm *still* making changes, and I'm so glad I've kept with it. You will probably get it figured out more and more each year. I wonder if it hits the fan for a lot of people when they get to around 3rd grade...

 

Hope something I said was helpful. Don't feel judged as I'm just making total guesses as to what might help you get over this hump. Take a big break and work on obedience, attitudes, putting the sparkle back in your kids' eyes, and tackle it again in Sept.

 

:grouphug:

[shell0830]

I don't know if it would be helpful, but we have a "work, then play" policy. No TV, videos, "high currency" items until work is finished for the day. I had a major attitude dd when it came to work and that policy put it all into perspective for her. If she refused to do work, no tv/pc games, no outside classes, etc until the work was done. I still try to limit to a 30-60 min screentime per day, but...only after work!