I am horrible at thinking on my feet. Should I say anything now?

[snowbeltmom]

First a bit of background: Homeschooling is rare where we live. The parents consider the public schools excellent even though the average ACT test score is around 22. The public school permits homeschoolers to participate in after-school activities provided the homeschooler enrolls in one eighty-five minute class each semester.

 

My oldest played tennis for our high school when he was in 8th grade (2010-2011)and gave up a year of high school eligibility because he wanted to play with one of his U.S.T.A. tennis friends who was a senior on the team. He was able to take a class that fit his academic goals, and it was a great class and he had a fun tennis season.

 

My oldest had an extremely full schedule this year, and the class he would have taken at our high school, AP Chemistry, was not offered. Since none of the other classes offered at the high school was of the same quality as the classes we could get elsewhere, my son elected not to play for the team this year because he didn't want to give up two hours of his day sitting in a classroom and then coming home and getting his real studying done. This was completely my son's decision, but one that my husband and I and the school's guidance counselor agreed with. (I realize that statement can be viewed as arrogant, but that is the reality and why we homeschool in the first place.)

 

The coach was not happy with this decision and made some unkind remarks about my son missing out on the "high school experience" and not being a team player. The coach also made some remarks which got back to me about me being arrogant thinking my kids were "too good" for the public schools and I could provide better academics at home.

 

So today, I am coming into our tennis club to pick up my kids, and this coach comes up to me with this smirk on his face just shaking his head. I say hello to him, and he says my name repeatedly shaking his head. Then he says, "You think your homeschool is so academic and your kids are so advanced, well let me tell you, you better pay attention to that younger one of yours." I have no idea what to say to him. He then proceeds to tell me that my dd has no idea how to tell time and I need to work on that with her. I assure him that my dd does know how to tell time. He tells me that he was discussing dd with one of his tennis clients who is a teacher. He then proceeds to tell me the how telling time is taught at the public school. I again tell him that dd has been telling time for years. He insists that I am wrong and that the other pros all had a good laugh when he told them. He then walked away and I stood there speechless.

 

My dd had no idea of this conversation, and when she got in the car I asked my dd if she had any conversations with this coach about telling time. She looked confused and said that this coach had said something to her when she was in the clinic the day before, but she didn't hear what he had said. She said she asked him what he had said and she said he went on to explain the clock to her. She said she had no idea why he was talking about that.

 

If you are still reading, thanks. I don't like the fact that this guy is going around saying things about my dd and others are laughing. If in fact dd did not know how to tell time, it would not be anything to laugh about.

 

If he wants to say I am arrogant, he can. He does have a point. While I don't go around bad-mouthing the schools, just the fact that we felt my son's academic needs would not be able to be met in a class this year at the high school can be viewed as arrogant I guess.

 

What bugs me the most is that he is going around saying untrue things about my daughter. Should I tell him that dd didn't hear what he said to her in the clinic which somehow he took to mean she didn't know how to tell time? Or should I just let it go? Clearly, even though I have had very few conversations with him, he doesn't like me.

 

Oh, and for the icing on the cake: I took dd in for her yearly physical shortly after my discussion with the coach. The pedi (one that is new to the doctors group) is going over the vaccines that she would recommend for dd, and she says, "I'm sure that as a homeschooler you are not going to want the Guardisil vaccine." What the heck is wrong with people?

[LaxMom]

I wouldn't say anything. He seems like the kind of a-hole coach that gets his way by belittling people into submission.

 

Now, if I were your daughter, I would demand to know why he is telling people I can't tell time and making fun of me because a) I CAN tell time and b) I would think that sort of behavior had stopped a couple decades ago for him. I would hope that being shamed by the child he is slandering and ridiculing would stop it.

 

But it probably wouldn't.

 

My 11yo sixth grader would totally ask him, with the look of disgust only tween girls can pull out, "why do you keep telling people I can't tell time?"

Edited June 1, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[happi duck]

:grouphug: Sorry you have to deal with such a jerk.

 

If it might just fuel his "jerkiness" I would let it go.

 

If it's bothering you to distraction and affecting your family greatly then I'd be prepared to say something next time you see him. Be prepared with something concise and clear that doesn't open you up for an argument.

 

As far as not being ready to reply in the moment, I have talked to people later by starting with "I can't stop thinking about what you said the other day..." or "I thought about what you said and..." etc.

 

:grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I wouldn't say anything. He seems like the kind of a-hole coach that gets his way by belittling people into submission.

 

Now, if I were your daughter, I would demand to know why he is telling people I can't tell time and making fun of me because a) I CAN tell time and b) I would think that sort of behavior had stopped a couple decades ago for him. I would hope that being shamed by the child he is slandering and ridiculing would stop it.

 

But it probably wouldn't.

 

My 11yo sixth grader would totally ask him, with the look of disgust only tween girls can pull out, "why do you keep telling people I can't tell time?"

 

:iagree: He sounds like a word I can't put on a public board. I would ignore him completely. If he talks to you again, I would say something along the lines of, "I'm too busy to waste time listening or talking to an a-hole." He already thinks you're arrogant, so that won't change anything.

 

If your daughter has the courage to say what MyCrazyHouse suggested, I would have her do that.

[snowbeltmom]

Now, if I were your daughter, I would demand to know why he is telling people I can't tell time and making fun of me because a) I CAN tell time and b) I would think that sort of behavior had stopped a couple decades ago for him. I would hope that being shamed by the child he is slandering and ridiculing would stop it.

 

But it probably wouldn't.

 

My 11yo sixth grader would totally ask him, with the look of disgust only tween girls can pull out, "why do you keep telling people I can't tell time?"

 

My dd asked me why I was asking about the clinic and she wanted to have a talk with the coach when I told her what he had said. She would handle just like you describe your 11yo.:)

 

I told dd not to say anything, but it is tempting.

[snowbeltmom]

As far as not being ready to reply in the moment, I have talked to people later by starting with "I can't stop thinking about what you said the other day..." or "I thought about what you said and..." etc.

 

:grouphug:

Thanks. I'll have to remember that one.

[5kidsforME]

:iagree: He sounds like a word I can't put on a public board. I would ignore him completely. If he talks to you again, I would say something along the lines of, "I'm too busy to waste time listening or talking to an a-hole." He already thinks you're arrogant, so that won't change anything.

 

If your daughter has the courage to say what MyCrazyHouse suggested, I would have her do that.

 

 

:iagree: I would do the above but I have a feeling he is a grown up who was a high school bully and he may not leave you alone. I would then have my dh pick up dd and deal with him. What a jerk.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1. He is the arrogant one. He cannot stand for anyone to have an opinion other than his own.

 

2. It is not arrogant for you to make another choice.

 

3. Homeschool can be an academically superior choice if you make it so. (It can also be a academically inferior choice if you drop the ball.) It can also be socially superior (or not). Spiritually superior (or not). The same for almost any other reason people choose to homeschool (or not).

 

4. There is nothing wrong with you choosing the best choice for your family for whatever reasons.

 

5. The coach is working for you - or for the club. You help pay for his salary. You don't have to put up with his nonsense - unless you decide that you will put up with it no matter what because you don't have or want to make other choices. Not saying that it isn't worthwhile to put up with some nonsense from people at times, because the pay off of having them in your life is still more than kicking them out of your life.

[Lisa R.]

While I'd be tempted to explain the situation to the coach, he seems like the kind of guy that would be confused by facts. He really acted like a jerk to you. That is completely a reflection on him and not on you or any of your family.

 

I'd give him very little of your attention for the rest of the season. This is to your benefit as he seems to get confused easily.

 

I applaud your son for having the maturity to balance his sports and academics. This speaks well of him.

 

It may be hard to do, but I'd try and move on. Hopefully other people the coach talks to realize he's not the brightest bulb in the box. People like this typically have a reputation for saying silly things and are often ignored. Either way, I'd try and let this go.

[snowbeltmom]

If your daughter has the courage to say what MyCrazyHouse suggested, I would have her do that.

 

She definitely has the courage to say it. I just don't want to give him the opportunity to then twist that around and say that dd is disrespectful to adults.

 

The coach is not well liked at all in the tennis community. In fact, when a coach from a neighboring town found out my son was going to play on the high school team, this guy told me that my son's coach is an idiot and the last conversation he had with him, he wished he could reach through the phone and punch him out. Pretty strong words considering he didn't know my feelings one way or another about ds's coach.

[Bang!Zoom!]

My favorite thing in the whole wide world...

 

When an "official" anybody is talking smack to me, I just pull out a pad of paper from my purse, turn it toward myself, and start writing and stay silent.

 

Keep nodding, asking now and then, "anything else you'd like to add?"

 

Makes.them.very.nervous. :)

[happi duck]

My favorite thing in the whole wide world...

 

When an "official" anybody is talking smack to me, I just pull out a pad of paper from my purse, turn it toward myself, and start writing and stay silent.

 

Keep nodding, asking now and then, "anything else you'd like to add?"

 

Makes.them.very.nervous. :)

 

Ha! Awesome!

[snowbeltmom]

Ha! Awesome!

:iagree:

I will have to add that to my arsenol because unfortunately for me, I will be seeing more of him next year. It has taken me an entire school year, including speaking in public (which I hate) at a school board meeting, but the school has agreed to allow both of my boys to take an independent study class next year so they can play tennis together on the high school team. I selected the classes - all my boys have to do is sit in a seat in the computer lab at school instead of at their desks at home.

 

Ironically, I doubt that the administration has even bothered to relay this information to the coach. I was going to mention it to the coach the next time I saw him, but that isn't going to be happening now.

[hillfarm]

The next time the coach maligns your homeschooling or your dc, look at him and ask, "And your opinion, which happens to be wrong, matters to me why......?" and just give him a blank look. :confused:

[Dobela]

After dealing with school politics as a teacher, I might go to someone in administration or on the board just to give them a head's up that the coach is slandering a student and a family. If it isn't the first time, the coach could be reprimanded, and rightfully so IMO. He is being demeaning and hateful, and that is just bad business IMO.

[LillyMama]

:iagree:

I will have to add that to my arsenol because unfortunately for me, I will be seeing more of him next year. It has taken me an entire school year, including speaking in public (which I hate) at a school board meeting, but the school has agreed to allow both of my boys to take an independent study class next year so they can play tennis together on the high school team. I selected the classes - all my boys have to do is sit in a seat in the computer lab at school instead of at their desks at home.

 

Ironically, I doubt that the administration has even bothered to relay this information to the coach. I was going to mention it to the coach the next time I saw him, but that isn't going to be happening now.

 

I think this is a trap we all are at risk of falling into- a contest of getting the last word. Wanting him to know about the computer lab arrangement- it's kind of a "I want him to realize how wrong he is, how right I am and how others agree with me and not him" thing. There's nothing wrong with this, if you're dealing with reasonable people. But this man isn't. Anything you do to even engage is just allowing him to lower you into his p*ssing match. Who cares what he thinks of you and your kids- it's not like you like him and the decisions he makes. So you don't need to be sure he likes you and your decisions. Leave your people-pleaser side at home for your next encounter.

 

When you know that saying anything will just fuel his fire, and give him more ammunition, just don't say anything. He's not even worth your notice.

 

The pad of paper and writing thing is so brilliant. I'm going to start that with my, er, difficult, family member.

[readinmom]

My favorite thing in the whole wide world...

 

When an "official" anybody is talking smack to me, I just pull out a pad of paper from my purse, turn it toward myself, and start writing and stay silent.

 

Keep nodding, asking now and then, "anything else you'd like to add?"

 

Makes.them.very.nervous. :)

 

:iagree:

 

But then I would turn to dd and say, "Honey, what time is it? I need to make sure I have this right...":D

[momacacia]

After dealing with school politics as a teacher, I might go to someone in administration or on the board just to give them a head's up that the coach is slandering a student and a family. If it isn't the first time, the coach could be reprimanded, and rightfully so IMO. He is being demeaning and hateful, and that is just bad business IMO.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Yup! Don't bother talking to him. Find a higher-up and let them know about his bad behavior and then he can talk to them about what time it is.:smash:

[Laurie4b]

You may not be good at thinking on your feet, but you can think at your leisure at this point. He's just going to do the same things again and again and again, so you can be prepared for next time for things like catty comments to you, mocking your kids in front of others, etc. Just decide which battles you will pick and which you won't.

 

For instance, you could try approach of making the issue his lack of professionalism : "Did you just say that you were talking about my daughter who is a student of yours and actually making fun of her to another adult?" (That is the real issue--right--not whether he thinks you're a snob? ) Do you think that is a professional way to handle things?" --or--- "You can say whatever you'd like about me to my face because I'm an adult, but if you continue to be unprofessional in the way you treat my children, I will take the bullying up with the administration." It will be important that you connect well with other parents and are not a lone gun if you choose to confront him. I'm sure others have noticed that he is a jerk and may not take his words very seriously anyway, but if people are connected to you and like you, they will tend to stick up for you and your kids more when you're not there and are a safeguard against the possibility that he would try to "cut you & yours from the herd" and "go in for the kill." Socialize with the other parents. Be super nice to the other teachers. If there is any chance that you are unknowingly projecting a sense that public school is inferior, try to adjust that. For instance, if he makes a comment about you thinking your homeschool is superior, you could respond, "I think each parent should be trusted to make the best decision for their child. I respect others' decisions to choose public school and I hope that you would in turn respect my decision to homeschool." (BTW, when you say the average ACT is 22, it's actually a smidgen above the national average: http://www.act.org/newsroom/data/2011/states.html. If all students at a school take the ACT, then some are taking it who are not college bound, thus bringing down the average. I believe a score of 21 indicates a child is capable of college work. I could be wrong, it's been a few years since I looked into that. It's the exceptional student who scores way above that level.)

[snowbeltmom]

You may not be good at thinking on your feet, but you can think at your leisure at this point. He's just going to do the same things again and again and again, so you can be prepared for next time for things like catty comments to you, mocking your kids in front of others, etc. Just decide which battles you will pick and which you won't.

 

 

Thanks to everyone for responding. This is a good point as well.

 

This coach is also a teaching pro at our club, but he does not give lessons to any juniors who participate at the U.S.T.A. level; he is not respected at all in that tennis community.

 

I told my husband about the conversation when he arrived home from work an hour ago. I just did not understand the coach's attitude today and why he felt the need to insult me and mock my dd to others.

 

This coach has gotten into screaming matches with some of the other mothers, but I have always been respectful to him. I also get along well with the other parents and never bad-mouth the schools with any of these parents.

 

My husband took a guess at why the coach may be upset with us: My boys are singles players, and they want to learn doubles strategy because they want to play together next year on the team. The boys just started taking doubles lessons with the head pro at our club. The head pro used to be the coach at our high school until he was recruited away a few years ago to coach at one of the area's top private schools. My husband thinks that it is possible that the high school coach is insulted because we are not paying him to work with our boys.

 

I never gave a second thought to who works with our boys. This may explain the attitude today, but it doesn't explain the things he said last year that got back to me.:confused:

 

Oh, well. I am going to let this one go, but I will be more prepared if there is a next time. Thanks for all of the suggestions.

[Reflections]

The next time the coach maligns your homeschooling or your dc, look at him and ask, "And your opinion, which happens to be wrong, matters to me why......?" and just give him a blank look. :confused:

 

:iagree:

[SKL]

I would think that kind of talk about a child is way out of line professionally for a teacher or coach of children. I'd be tempted to talk to his boss about it.

 

Like you said, if it were true that your dd cannot tell time, that would be even worse. Honestly, he should be disciplined for speaking of a student that way.

[besroma]

While I'd be tempted to explain the situation to the coach, he seems like the kind of guy that would be confused by facts. He really acted like a jerk to you. That is completely a reflection on him and not on you or any of your family.

 

I'd give him very little of your attention for the rest of the season. This is to your benefit as he seems to get confused easily.

 

:iagree: If he keeps bringing it up, I would let DD say something to him if she wanted to.

[kalanamak]

He's just a big jerk. Others will know that, too, and only people who like him will, in the end, be other jerk and jerk-admirers.

 

BTW, was the doc right?

[snowbeltmom]

BTW, was the doc right?

Yes.:)

[Joanne]

Regardless of this guy's "opinion" about homeschooling and the rater's bias with which he processes your kids --

 

This person is outrageiously unprofessional and even creepy. Seriously. There is something over the top inappropriate about him. I think he's been excused as "that's just the way he is" for far too long. I suspect that his behavior is not limited to you and your family and that for the safety of the kids and the integrity of the sports program, he needs intervention.

 

The level of power, hostility, and derision on which he operates is toxic.

[ma23peas]

Stupid is as stupid does..

 

No use fixing foolery...but, you do not have to tolerate his bullying, best response is confidence and even if he does not give respect, you can.

 

"i appreciate your concerns, thankyou". The second time he brings it up, "your role is a tennis coach, if you can not keep your interest in my children related to tennis skills, we have a problem."

[nova147]

Oh, and for the icing on the cake: I took dd in for her yearly physical shortly after my discussion with the coach. The pedi (one that is new to the doctors group) is going over the vaccines that she would recommend for dd, and she says, "I'm sure that as a homeschooler you are not going to want the Guardisil vaccine." What the heck is wrong with people?

 

Annoyed. I know plenty of non-homeschoolers who don't vaccinate. And plenty of homeschoolers (myself included) who do. And Guardisil is such a bad example -- it's so new that many parents who vaccinated their kids fully are concerned about it's overall safety and effectiveness. I don't have to make a choice for another 5 years (and that's only if my doc recommends it for boys), but if I had to now, I would wait. People can be so judgmental!

[snowbeltmom]

Annoyed. I know plenty of non-homeschoolers who don't vaccinate. And plenty of homeschoolers (myself included) who do. And Guardisil is such a bad example -- it's so new that many parents who vaccinated their kids fully are concerned about it's overall safety and effectiveness. I don't have to make a choice for another 5 years (and that's only if my doc recommends it for boys), but if I had to now, I would wait. People can be so judgmental!

 

There have always been vaccines that I have refused simply because the vaccines were not for life-threatening diseases, and I wanted the vaccines to have more of a "track record". I remember refusing a new vaccine for my middle when he was an infant; literally three weeks later it was pulled from the market due to too many infant deaths.

 

I'm sure the pedi didn't even realize what she said was insulting.:glare:

[arghmatey]

You do not owe this silly man any explanation; however, I do think you owe it to the tennis community to report his bullying and slander to his supervisor.

 

He needs to apologize and receive proper training on how "the help" is to behave.

[Library Momma]

Any grown man that mocks children has issues. He is nothing more than a big bully. I'd tell him that your daughter was confused and thought he had trouble telling time and was asking for help. She'd be happy to teach it to him if he still needs assistance.

 

Perhaps your Ped was just remembering that you had previous vax concerns and just worded it poorly.

[snowbeltmom]

Perhaps your Ped was just remembering that you had previous vax concerns and just worded it poorly.

No, unfortunately that was not the case. She is new with the practice and had never seen me before. She knew nothing about my family, let alone my previous vax concerns.