NEED HELP - 18yr old boy and girl/school issues

[rhrice3]

This is a long story, but I will try to keep it short and to the point. Three years ago we moved to SW FL. From the moment we arrived this girl was in my son's face. He asked her out - she had a boyfriend. We were all shocked a girl with a boyfriend would be so physically forward to another boy but whatever. Every time she broke up with a boy, she came back to my son and he would ask her out. It was a huge cat and mouse game. People at school and the pool even commented on it to me! We were new in town, and I became friendly with her mom. Even though we sat together at swim meets, school events, etc I could never stand to be around the girl - she is loud, selfish, annoying.

 

Well, fast forward to senior year. They are still "friends" but she won't go out with him. Then right before prom her mom starts working him to ask her. Well, I knew that he had a crush on the girl so I figured he would ask her, and he did. She flies to Ohio to attend another prom the night before and arrives hours late for his date. That just put the nail in the coffin. My husband, oldest dd, and I decided that we would just ignore it - they were going to separate colleges, etc.

 

They spend time together all summer - he tutored her for free to get her ACT scores up, etc. At one point they called to have my dh stay late at the ER to sew up their youngest son's chin. My dh did it and was late for a meeting, but we said nothing. Then out of the blue two days later, the father calls and says our son and this girl have been seeing each other without their permission, and the parents want them to halt ALL communication. My dh and I felt like this was an answer to our prayers. We talked to him, they talked to him, and we agreed that they were going forward to college and should cool it.

 

Well, she never stopped texting and encouraging him, and now after a year of college they are still in constant contact - texting, etc. He was admitted into a specialty program which he has now lost his place because of his GPA. His grades have not been what his father and I expected - he is gifted - and when we tried to talk to him about it before he went back this summer, he said that he did not care and he had always hated school, etc, horrible attitude. My dh and I told him he could not take his truck back to school, and if he loses his scholarship, we will freeze his college funds. My dh was so upset by his attitude. He told him that if things don't change, we will cut off all financial funds - phone, ins, gas, etc. He has no skills to get a job, and jobs here are so difficult to get for teens anyway.

 

Well, I have learned now that this girl and her family are speaking to him again, and now we are the bad guys for wanting nothing to do with them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I mean, are they the only ones that can say "keep your child away from mine"? It bothers me most that this all seems to be on their terms!

 

Right now I am secretly hoping that he loses his scholarship so we can say - you are done - join the army, etc. He turned down West Point and Air Force appts for this specialty med program, and now he is blowing it. I feel like we have no control over this, and I just am tired of feeling like the mean parent. I have been praying about it for over a year, and I really thought it would just resolve itself when he went to college; but now it seems so much worse than last summer. He spent the last 2 weeks with us last summer moping around and not eating. I feel like I have lost my bright, fun loving son, and I just don't know what to do anymore. If it were drugs or alcohol, we could commit him but how do you get rid of a toxic addiction to a girl.

 

We home schooled him until 11th grade when we moved. He wanted to go to public school, and we agreed to help him with the move. It was a top 10% in the country school - what public schools should be. It is now my hugest regret.

 

I know this is long. I just didn't know where to turn, and everyone is gone from my house today so I am feeling sad.

THANKS<

ReneeR

[TranquilMind]

the father calls and says our son and this girl have been seeing each other without their permission, and the parents want them to halt ALL communication. My dh and I felt like this was an answer to our prayers. We talked to him, they talked to him, and we agreed that they were going forward to college and should cool it.

 

Well, she never stopped texting and encouraging him, and now after a year of college they are still in constant contact - texting, etc. He was admitted into a specialty program which he has now lost his place because of his GPA. His grades have not been what his father and I expected - he is gifted - and when we tried to talk to him about it before he went back this summer, he said that he did not care and he had always hated school, etc, horrible attitude. My dh and I told him he could not take his truck back to school, and if he loses his scholarship, we will freeze his college funds. My dh was so upset by his attitude. He told him that if things don't change, we will cut off all financial funds - phone, ins, gas, etc. He has no skills to get a job, and jobs here are so difficult to get for teens anyway.

 

Well, I have learned now that this girl and her family are speaking to him again, and now we are the bad guys for wanting nothing to do with them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I mean, are they the only ones that can say "keep your child away from mine"? It bothers me most that this all seems to be on their terms!

 

Right now I am secretly hoping that he loses his scholarship so we can say - you are done - join the army, etc. He turned down West Point and Air Force appts for this specialty med program, and now he is blowing it. I feel like we have no control over this, and I just am tired of feeling like the mean parent. I have been praying about it for over a year, and I really thought it would just resolve itself when he went to college; but now it seems so much worse than last summer. He spent the last 2 weeks with us last summer moping around and not eating. I feel like I have lost my bright, fun loving son, and I just don't know what to do anymore. If it were drugs or alcohol, we could commit him but how do you get rid of a toxic addiction to a girl.

 

We home schooled him until 11th grade when we moved. He wanted to go to public school, and we agreed to help him with the move. It was a top 10% in the country school - what public schools should be. It is now my hugest regret.

 

ReneeR

 

I'm so sorry. I really do feel your pain, though our circumstances are a little different and mine is younger so I do still have some small amount of control. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am and your pain and discouragement just exudes from this post. You are right. You have no control now as they are adults. All you can do is pray that he opens his eyes one of these days to see how she strings him along and uses him when it suits her.

 

I regret so much, and going to school after years of home schooling/co-ops was a big part, putting mine in connection with people with whom she never would have come in contact at all, as many of them are definitely not college material. Others, she would have, but years from now, not when she was 13, when she might not have been so influenced.

 

Sad for you and with you.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Boy Renee, that is a heavy load to be carrying in your heart. I'm sorry.

 

At 18, he could probably tell you quite clearly what it is that he wants for his life and where he wants to put his energy. If you had that sort of material to work with, then you could choose what in his responses you are willing to support.

 

Can you ask him face to face or on the phone for him to spell it out for you?

[LibraryLover]

Could he be depressed? Head injury? Had he been in any accident?( Lots of hsers do a year or more in public high school and don't thow it all away.) That's not anything I would have thought of prior to reading this board.

 

Something has to be wrong on a deeper level, I would think.

 

Of course, 18 is young-ish. Is he a fall or early winter baby. Did he start K at 4? He could be in total panic mode.

Edited June 1, 2012 by LibraryLover

[TranquilMind]

Something has to be wrong on a deeper level, I would think.

 

Maybe, but I don't know that we can assume this. I read somewhere recently that the number one enemy of the family is bad friends/peers who will take advantage of your kid's weakness- and everyone has one and we can't innoculate against all weakness, much as we'd like to do this as parents.

 

I now understand this.

[Sneezyone]

It sounds like he could use a gap year to mature and transition from parental control to independence, perferably someplace far away from the girl. I don't know that being exposed to public school for one year caused this tho. His willingness to be abused/inability to detect bad vibes from a member of the opposite sex could just as easily have happened on campus or in church. I totally understand your regret about him meeting this particular girl when he did but I'm thinking the bigger issue is building up discernment. I've no clue how to do that with an adult tho!

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Maybe, but I don't know that we can assume this. I read somewhere recently that the number one enemy of the family is bad friends/peers who will take advantage of your kid's weakness- and everyone has one and we can't innoculate against all weakness, much as we'd like to do this as parents.

 

I now understand this.

 

I do think some children are more vulnerable to this than others. It is a personality type, yes.

 

I wonder if you could get him interested in international volunteer work somehow? SWB's oldest child did that during a gap year. Getting him out of his own head and away from this drama, with him feeling useful could be a good catalyst to maturity. If he'd let you fund that.

[Mandylubug]

He is old enough to make his own decisions. He has to decide he wants to keep his scholarship, etc. He has to put forth the effort to date or not to date this girl. He is the one that has to deal with his decisions. While I understand that you are concerned for his well being, college future, etc... I think you should just put it in his hands, have faith that he is bright enough to make it on his own and when he falls, he's smart enough to dust himself off. Mind you, I haven't had teenagers yet and my kids are younger...easier for me to say that not being in your shoes! :grouphug: Can't imagine your emotional burdens. I am just worrying about math and reading to prepare them for college. I do know that my parents pushed me hard for college and even though I was bright and smart, their pushing irritated and stressed me out more. I would have rather just had a shoulder to lean on and ask advice when needed. Not been bullied and pushed as I was.

[Stacy in NJ]

and I'm not sure that entirely fair.

 

It sounds like she's unreliable and flightly and has possibly jerked your son around emotionally. That's all bad, but it's not new. It sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

Could your son's current difficultly be caused by issues other than this girl? Maybe she contributing to it but entirely responsible? Sounds unlikely.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh or off-base, but it's probably not helpful for your son if you hyper focus on this girl. He's an adult, and while it's incredibly hard to watch our children make mistakes, he must determine for himself why he's pursuing a medical degree.

[QueenCat]

Never forget grace, mercy and love in the choices you make with how you react your son's actions. I've seen way to many parents go from being what they thought was fully supportive (and this is not saying you are this way, I don't know you) but were really dictating how things must be done, to dropping all support when child did not do exactly what they wanted, and then wondered a few years later why they didn't have a good relationship with their young adult son.

[Dobela]

Do you have *proof* that she is why his grades are down, or are you just making assumptions? I was an honors student, had scholarships, high ACT scores, went to a great college, had heavy duty dreams announced and then burned out horribly. Crashed and burned is what I did at the ripe age of 18/19. In addition, although I had done very well in high school, I was completely unprepared for the organization needed for college and unprepared to actually study. I had never studied before very much and had always done well. When I would get poor grades at times I thought they were more of flukes. Or I would get those stupid professors who loved to do crazy things with grades that made it nearly impossible to do well (like take off 4 points for a wrong answer, take off 2 points for no answer but only give you 1 point for a correct answer). There was no boy involved, no extra social stuff, although I would have welcomed some of it. I probably spent some time with folks my parents didn't approve of as well, but for me they were more of a symptom, not the cause, of my frustrations. I also realized after the first year that I really had no desire to enter the career field I had announced a year before. In fact, I hated most of the demands put on me thru the program and hated most of the classes. My parents were also ready to disown me, and to this day my mom throw it back in my face how I wasted that first year in college. Looking back, I don't think it was wasted because that is when I first really began knowing myself and setting realistic goals for my future that were my own instead of my parents.

 

I know you are funding this, but you need to give him time to back off and figure out what he wants to do. Gifted, or not, it is his future. He may want to take a year or 2 off to see what else appeals to him. Or just spend time taking basic core courses while exploring other options thru electives - which is what I did. Eventually I found a line of study that I loved and thrived in and that turned into a successful career.

 

Really? Make some demands if you are paying - like he needs to keep a certain GPA or that you will only pay for x number hours over the next 4-5 years- but leave the rest of the decisions to him. Most of my friends had to start paying particular bills if GPAs fell below certain levels - such as pay insurance on car or pay rent.

 

As far as the girl, she may eventually fade away again. Or she could become your future dil. I had a couple of friends then that I confided in,that my parents didn't like, because the friends knew me well. They knew my family,my background, and all that. I could vent or talk things over and not have to give this huge backstory everytime I vented. Honestly, at 18, he is legally an adult. You need to decide now what the worst will be - and how you will handle it. Will you disown him if they marry? Will you make their marriage difficult? Will he stop having a relationship with you over this?

[TranquilMind]

and I'm not sure that entirely fair.

 

It sounds like she's unreliable and flightly and has possibly jerked your son around emotionally. That's all bad, but it's not new. It sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

Could your son's current difficultly be caused by issues other than this girl? Maybe she contributing to it but entirely responsible? Sounds unlikely.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh or off-base, but it's probably not helpful for your son if you hyper focus on this girl. He's an adult, and while it's incredibly hard to watch our children make mistakes, he must determine for himself why he's pursuing a medical degree.

 

Not the OP but you are right, of course. You always wish that your kid hadn't met THIS person but the deficiency/weakness was already there to be exploited. It was just a matter of time before it was exposed.

 

More to pray about!

[bettyandbob]

It really sounds like your ds is burned out and makes bad decisions. I'm guessing he would make bad decisions regardless of the girl, she's just the current excuse. Your ds may need a year or two off of school to figure out what he's really doing in school. Once he works and sees how he can support himself and he may be ready to refocus.

 

I live with a very smart son who is a bad decision maker. His former physics teacher chatted with me at the pool last weekend about how brilliant that kid is. No girl problems here, but other things distract him. If there was a girl, we'd be in a bigger mess than we are. My ds has realized his bad decision making though and decided to attend a military junior college for 1 year possibly 2, because he knows he needs structure won't take it from me. He picked the school himself. Any other environment would be a waste because traditional colleges and community colleges expect you to be able to regulate your behavior, decide to attend class and keep track of all the junk to get done without getting lost in other distractions. One might say my ds isn't ready to go, but the school he's chosen is a place he can learn this stuff away from me.

[Laurie4b]

I've got two sons about the same age, so I'm not experienced, just muddling through myself. But here's what the wisest of my friends with kids much older than mine have said as we've discussed what they've gone through and what they've learned:

 

"Smile, put down the casserole, and pray her right on out of his life." Translation: Any girlfriend could become your future d-i-l. You can't change that if it's going to happen by your actions or words, but you can alienate her and him and cut yourself off from your future grandkids by your actions and words. I have friends whose ds's have brought home strippers. They smiled, welcomed her, put down the casserole and prayed her right on out of his life. Sometimes they get married, but the m--i-l keeps smiling, putting down the casserole and praying--now for the young woman, the marriage and the grandbabies. There does seem to be a law of physics operating in young men and women whose parents oppose their choice: for every parental action pushing her away, there is an equal and opposite reaction of holding on tighter. A young woman I knew stayed with a boyfriend she really knew wasn't the right one for 6 years partly because her family was saying that he wasn't. okeedokee. Six years of your life to prove a point that you didn't make the wrong choice?

 

My friends have told me that your number one objective at this point in their lives is to keep the relationship strong and lines of communication open.

 

Parenting changes once a kid is an adult. Really, it changes well before that, but once a child has reached legal adulthood, if not before, it seems not to work out too well for parents who use a lot of consequences. Maybe it's the right thing to do to pull back the money, but I would encourage you to really think about that. I've seen other brilliant kids crash and burn at college, come home, go to cc for a while, and get back into a selective college when they're on track again. It's his life and his decisions now. I would really try to ask more than tell, explore what he thinks is going on more than tell him what you think. Listen a lot. Be his ally. Something is wrong and he's trying to sort it out. Help him by being his safe place. Don't give advice unless he asks for it, but listen and ask good questions that might help him sort it out himself.

 

I know it's really, really hard and your heart is breaking and this isn't what you envisioned. People think the sleep-deprived stage of infancy is hard, but it pales in comparison to parenting young adults. But the time for shaping his life is kinda done, you know? Part of the reason it's so hard is your feeling that you don't have control anymore is reflecting reality: you really don't have control anymore and you're kind of helpless watching your baby stumble and maybe fall. This the time to trust God and pray and pray. You've prayed a year--keep praying. And don't discount that your years of faithfully and carefully bringing him up will eventually bear fruit. But keep the relationship open. Keep your hearts connected. Though you no longer have control, you have influence. He loves you and knows you love him. That's worth a lot.

 

Also consider whether your son could be depressed. There are some things in your description that seem to point in that direction.

 

Sorry for your pain.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Laurie4b

[besroma]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

 

I know this is painful, and I do not have the answers, but I would not turn away from him.

[kalanamak]

Boy Renee, that is a heavy load to be carrying in your heart. I'm sorry.

 

At 18, he could probably tell you quite clearly what it is that he wants for his life and where he wants to put his energy. If you had that sort of material to work with, then you could choose what in his responses you are willing to support.

 

Can you ask him face to face or on the phone for him to spell it out for you?

 

:iagree:He needs to make some decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions, like everyone has to do for the rest of adulthood.

[Samiam]

He's a 18 year old college student. HE's making bad choices, and it's on him, NOT the girl. Most 18 year olds WILL make bad choices, it's par for the course, and I'd be completely shocked if anyone here can say that they made all the right choices when they were 18. Granted some choices had more long term effects than others, but they were still bad choices at the time.

 

If his grades are struggling, it's because he isn't doing something, he's spending time texting her, so that is his choice to respond. If he didn't respond, she wouldn't keep it up. I get the puppy love he is probably feeling but he'll have to sort it out himself. You can offer advice, show anger, pull funding for college, stomp your feet, the whole works. Nothing will change his behaviour in the end unless HE choose to change it. What will change is your relationship with him.

 

Offer parental advice, but back off. He's going to need to sort out his girl problems himself. As long as they are both adult age, and nothing illegal is happening, you need to stay out of it. It's likely not going to be the last time that a girl blocks his mind from all other aspects of life. He'll grow up eventually by learning from these experiences, not by you "banning" girls who you don't like.

[kroe1]

If they've known each other for about 2 years and still text daily, I doubt there is anything you can do to stop it no matter what age the two teens are.

 

Nevertheless, he who hath the gold rules. If you are funding the college, set goals for the money. Set goals for being allowed to live at home. And make it quite clear what you do not pay for. It sounds like you are doing this already.

 

At 18, a kiddo may have legal rights. But until that kiddo jumps out of my wallet, he has no rights at home. Nonetheless, I learned the hard way that momma can't control which girlfriend the kiddo picks.

 

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

I wonder if you could get him interested in international volunteer work somehow? SWB's oldest child did that during a gap year. Getting him out of his own head and away from this drama, with him feeling useful could be a good catalyst to maturity. If he'd let you fund that.

:iagree:

 

I was just thinking the same thing. Peace Corps, volunteering with an overseas mission group, visiting an orphanage overseas, or helping overseas would be a BIG eye opener for the kid. No internet access in a third world country. He just sounds young, possibly overwhelmed, and finding out medical school is not for him? But he does need to find out what he wants to do in life. And get that girl away from him for one year! Egad. :glare:

[mumto2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

As the mom of a son I feel your pain. My guy is 12 and does not like girls much yet but I am dreading it. When I first read your post my first mom instinct was that awful girl and then it occurred to me........

 

My mil would have probably described me in very similar terms to how you are the girl in this story. Dh and I started our relationship at 14. The big difference really was no cell phones. He asked me out, I wasn't interested in him except as a good friend. He insisted on helping me with chemistry-- tutoring. I want to highlight the insisted....I let him because he really wanted to. We were close friends through high school.

 

Throughout college we stayed in close communication for the early 80's. We were a couple for the first time the summer after junior year. Remember no cells phones and schools 900 miles apart. By Christmas we had broken up. After graduation we got back together again but dh did not fly away to med school that fall as planned. Over the summer he got an internship he loved with a huge financial services company. I (reason mil really disliked me) helped him decide not to be a doctor. He was certainly qualified but really had no desire other than pleasing his parents. Neither one of us have ever regretted that decision. Now mil wanted a son who was a doctor, dh was her last hope.....you get the picture.

 

I think what I am trying to point out is we really could not stand being apart. Dh did go on and get several advanced degrees so he did not just quit. Worked as a University professor. Continued his military career. Lots of great achievements. He just is not a MD even though he was admitted to 2 really prestigious med schools. By the way, I had good jobs in my field offered near each university so being together was not a factor. I have never really stood in his way but the kids and I are the ones that his decisions really have mattered to. We have been married 24 years next week. Friends for 10 years before that. Mil never really got over it. Fil loved me.

 

So as you can see I probably was that girl....just a different perspective.

[LucyStoner]

and I'm not sure that entirely fair.

 

It sounds like she's unreliable and flightly and has possibly jerked your son around emotionally. That's all bad, but it's not new. It sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

Could your son's current difficultly be caused by issues other than this girl? Maybe she contributing to it but entirely responsible? Sounds unlikely.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh or off-base, but it's probably not helpful for your son if you hyper focus on this girl. He's an adult, and while it's incredibly hard to watch our children make mistakes, he must determine for himself why he's pursuing a medical degree.

 

:iagree:

 

I think you have two separate issues- the girl and the schooling. I know a lot of gifted young men who flounder their first year of college as 18 year olds and the only remedy I know of is life, a few hard knocks, the passage of time and responsibility (in the form of a job or serious volunteer obligation.)

[Pippen]

Right now I am secretly hoping that he loses his scholarship so we can say - you are done - join the army, etc. He turned down West Point and Air Force appts for this specialty med program, and now he is blowing it. I feel like we have no control over this, and I just am tired of feeling like the mean parent. I have been praying about it for over a year, and I really thought it would just resolve itself when he went to college; but now it seems so much worse than last summer. He spent the last 2 weeks with us last summer moping around and not eating. I feel like I have lost my bright, fun loving son, and I just don't know what to do anymore. If it were drugs or alcohol, we could commit him but how do you get rid of a toxic addiction to a girl.

 

At his age I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to force an involuntary commitment even if it were drugs or alcohol unless there was serious threat to harm self or others. But some professional counseling to help him sort things out might be helpful at this point since there have been major changes in mood and motivation. Just because someone is highly gifted in the academic sense, doesn't mean they are equipped to handle life's difficult situations when they come around.

 

 

I think you have two separate issues- the girl and the schooling. I know a lot of gifted young men who flounder their first year of college as 18 year olds and the only remedy I know of is life, a few hard knocks, the passage of time and responsibility (in the form of a job or serious volunteer obligation.)

 

I was thinking along these lines as well. Either way, it's a good time for you to back down from being the mean parent and become the supportive, listening mother. You are right, you don't have control over this and it's going to be hard for you to watch him make choices you think aren't right for him.

 

If he hates school there's probably a lot more than a bad attitude and unrequited love going on here. Just because he's gifted and opted for this program over military appointments doesn't mean it's a good fit for him or that he has the organizational skills or study skills to handle what is likely a very high pressure, competitive program. Also, if he hates school and doesn't want to be away from the girl, doing poorly and being pushed out of the program may be an easier out for him than dealing with it outright.

 

Threats of taking away the truck and cutting off funds are highly unlikely to solve these problems. Certainly since it's your money you have every right to do that, but it's more likely to drive the wedge unless you really get to the bottom of what's going on. Time to step back and reevaluate--mental health, goals, desires, his skills and how they fit with the program he's in--the whole works. You've no doubt made a lot of sacrifices through the years because of his academic potential so this will be hard, but that really needs to be on the backburner in terms of priorities right now. It wouldn't matter if he's in the best pre-med program in the country, if he's an unhappy kid it won't be right place for him.

 

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I think some kids just...I don't know. I have a 19yo who has totally slipped in the last year or so. She also was gifted and had all sorts of opportunity. She went a more low-key way and still has managed to blow it. There seems to be very little to catch her interest. She is a sweet girl and a huge help; but she won't get out there and do. I know part of it is in her personality. But at this point, what she is not doing is overshadowing her character. It is scary as her mom and I don't know what to do. At first, I tried to push a little, but now I have backed off. It isn't getting better. And I don't even have a boy to blame....

[J-rap]

I'm going to go against others and say that he is clearly NOT old enough (mature enough) to make his own decisions. I just don't think that 18 is a magical age where from then on, children should be left alone to create their own path. That being said, they THINK they are old enough, so you have to be very careful in how to approach this.

 

My sister's son was very much like this, and at the end of high school got involved with a gal who was extremely controlling. No one saw what he saw in her, and he gave up everything for her. His grades dropped, he dropped out of college, he became so dependent on her for his self-esteem.

 

My sister let it go, not knowing what else to do. After 3-4 years, she dropped him, and he was devastated. That was 12 years ago, and he still has not gotten his feet off the ground. He lost all self-confidence through that relationship and break-up. Clearly, there are other issues involved, but in hind site my sister feels if she had done something more drastic earlier on, it could have gone so very differently.

 

I personally feel keeping the communication line open between you and your son is crucial. I'm not saying there shouldn't be certain consequences, but do keep that line open and remind your son often that you love him.

 

I think a gap year is a wonderful idea. You can help him find something he would be really excited about -- the farther away the better! :) There is international volunteer work, educational opportunities abroad, etc. A friend of my daughter's just attended a 3-month photography class in Nepal! Another friend volunteered at an orphanage/school in India for several months. There's a lot out there; you would probably have to do the leg work yourself. I think it would be worth it, and wouldn't rely on him to do the research. You do it for him. I know people will disagree with this, but this is the rest of his life you might be talking about. He certainly isn't too old for you to step him and help him one more time with something as major as this!

 

A year away (far away!) doing something he finds interesting and enjoyable would give him confidence, other interests, and a chance to see what life is like away from the girl

 

All the best to you!

[QueenCat]

My friends have told me that your number one objective at this point in their lives is to keep the relationship strong and lines of communication open.

 

 

:iagree:100000000% You will lose him if you are too "do what we say or else", so long as he is not engaging in illegal activity.

[kalanamak]

I'm going to go against others and say that he is clearly NOT old enough (mature enough) to make his own decisions. I just don't think that 18 is a magical age where from then on, children should be left alone to create their own path.

 

I'm not sure any implied "left alone", but short of not funding foolishness, how do you propose to prevent him from making his own decisions? Surely none here think the OP should shut the door and not interact with son, but I have more hope for a kid that hoes his own row rather than one that lets mom and dad make the decisions just because they are afraid of 1) the outside world or 2) bucking their wishes. I was married to one of those, one who finished college at 19 and went to professional school as expected, and 15 years later, when we divorced, Mommy was still calling a lot of shots.

 

Every parent/child relationship has its own nuances, but I'm very grateful my parents butted out of my life when I left home. And not that I'm making the least leap that the OP's family is like this, but I have seen families of kids with stellar academic careers who leave for college and come to think that they have been quietly and lovingly (or not) railroaded into something they loathe and had no idea they were getting in for. When the rest of your future is flapping in the wind, what is better than a sympathetic girl friend? Between the pull of hormones and just how important having a sweetie is and the unhappiness of an unhappy career choice, I'd be texting away, too, at that age.

 

And, respectfully, anyone who can't "get over" a romance 12 years ago is either using it as an excuse to get his family off his back (so he can do what he's perfectly happy to do), or the FAMily is using it as an excuse ("kiddo isn't a PhD yet because of that rotten gf 12 years ago), or has some underlying issues. We women are powerful, but not THAT powerful. ;)

[QueenCat]

Nevertheless, he who hath the gold rules.

 

True, but how the parents handle the "gold" and "rules" can have a long term, good or bad, affect on the relationship.

[LillyMama]

I'm going to tell you what my parents did when I was in a similar position as your son. For me, it was that I was always so gifted, I didn't know how to work hard and struggling was just so debilitating to me. College wasn't as easy for me as high school had been and I just didn't know how to deal with that. I hooked up with a boy who was not the best for me but, as he didn't really know me before college, he didn't have any idea about the changes in me.

 

My parents came to me and expressed their concerns. I wasn't ready to listen, because I myself didn't understand what was happening. So my mom and dad took my boyfriend out to dinner, unbeknownst to me. They had a very adult conversation with him, explaining some things. They didn't blame him or criticize him or tell him to leave me alone. Instead, they asked him how they could help me. I'm sure the underlying message was that they wanted him, the boyfriend, to help me, but they made him feel like an adult. The deferred to him as the person with the most influence in my life at the time and pretended to hand him the reins. And they made them feel like we were all on the same team.

 

So he did. I didn't know about it until a year later, after I had started counseling because my boyfriend encouraged me to. I had reached a place where I wanted to please him more than my parents- it's an unfortunately stage I think many teenagers go through. I found out he had gone to his parents and they were relieved to give him support and advice. Our families became really good friends, and, ironically, when he went through his own drama a couple of years later, his parents came to me.

 

I wasn't sure how I felt about it when I found out. A part of me felt like I had been deceived, but I couldn't help but see how helpful it had been to both myself and my boyfriend. We both grew up a lot when the adults in our lives treated us like, well, people learning to be adults.

 

Not saying this would work for everyone, but it certainly is one of my favorite memories of my parents. ;)

[Joanne]

Hm.

 

A few years ago, developmentally, it would have been appropriate to step in a more active role.

 

Now in terms of the nature of that relationship, not so much.

 

I also see your OP as painting a fairly black and white picture with your family as the white, and theirs not so much. For example, the detail of your DH giving stiches for free?

 

Your son is not the first gifted child to tank in the first year of college.

 

You've taken a passive/aggressive action for some time:

 

This is a long story, but I will try to keep it short and to the point. Three years ago we moved to SW FL. From the moment we arrived this girl was in my son's face. He asked her out - she had a boyfriend. We were all shocked a girl with a boyfriend would be so physically forward to another boy but whatever. Every time she broke up with a boy, she came back to my son and he would ask her out. It was a huge cat and mouse game. People at school and the pool even commented on it to me! We were new in town, and I became friendly with her mom. Even though we sat together at swim meets, school events, etc I could never stand to be around the girl - she is loud, selfish, annoying.

 

Well, fast forward to senior year. They are still "friends" but she won't go out with him. Then right before prom her mom starts working him to ask her. Well, I knew that he had a crush on the girl so I figured he would ask her, and he did. She flies to Ohio to attend another prom the night before and arrives hours late for his date. That just put the nail in the coffin. My husband, oldest dd, and I decided that we would just ignore it - they were going to separate colleges, etc.

 

They spend time together all summer - he tutored her for free to get her ACT scores up, etc. At one point they called to have my dh stay late at the ER to sew up their youngest son's chin. My dh did it and was late for a meeting, but we said nothing. Then out of the blue two days later, the father calls and says our son and this girl have been seeing each other without their permission, and the parents want them to halt ALL communication. My dh and I felt like this was an answer to our prayers. We talked to him, they talked to him, and we agreed that they were going forward to college and should cool it.

 

Well, she never stopped texting and encouraging him, and now after a year of college they are still in constant contact - texting, etc. He was admitted into a specialty program which he has now lost his place because of his GPA. His grades have not been what his father and I expected - he is gifted - and when we tried to talk to him about it before he went back this summer, he said that he did not care and he had always hated school, etc, horrible attitude. My dh and I told him he could not take his truck back to school, and if he loses his scholarship, we will freeze his college funds. My dh was so upset by his attitude. He told him that if things don't change, we will cut off all financial funds - phone, ins, gas, etc. He has no skills to get a job, and jobs here are so difficult to get for teens anyway.

 

Well, I have learned now that this girl and her family are speaking to him again, and now we are the bad guys for wanting nothing to do with them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I mean, are they the only ones that can say "keep your child away from mine"? It bothers me most that this all seems to be on their terms!

 

Right now I am secretly hoping that he loses his scholarship so we can say - you are done - join the army, etc. He turned down West Point and Air Force appts for this specialty med program, and now he is blowing it. I feel like we have no control over this, and I just am tired of feeling like the mean parent. I have been praying about it for over a year, and I really thought it would just resolve itself when he went to college; but now it seems so much worse than last summer. He spent the last 2 weeks with us last summer moping around and not eating. I feel like I have lost my bright, fun loving son, and I just don't know what to do anymore. If it were drugs or alcohol, we could commit him but how do you get rid of a toxic addiction to a girl.

 

We home schooled him until 11th grade when we moved. He wanted to go to public school, and we agreed to help him with the move. It was a top 10% in the country school - what public schools should be. It is now my hugest regret.

 

I know this is long. I just didn't know where to turn, and everyone is gone from my house today so I am feeling sad.

THANKS<

ReneeR

 

Your son acted like a 18 year old. Not even particularly acting out. I *would* have some academic requirements attached to continuing to fund college. If he dropped out, I'd have some "get a job, pay rent, help around the house, obey some courtesy rules" associated with being in my home.

 

But I'd take a look at my role and perspective to get a more accurate view of the last 3 years.

[kalanamak]

College wasn't as easy for me as high school had been and I just didn't know how to deal with that.

 

Not saying this would work for everyone, but it certainly is one of my favorite memories of my parents. ;)

 

Yes, I have seen really bright kids come from the sticks and bomb at the state university. They suddenly weren't at the front of the pack without having to struggle.

 

It would be a very fond memory of mine, too, if it had happened to me. Kuddos to your parents!

[Renee in NC]

Honestly, I wouldn't look at any of this as the end of the world. So, he is head over heels for a girl, went to college, didn't do well, and now you aren't sure what to do.

 

Do nothing. This is his deal. He isn't the first to do this and won't be the last. None of this will matter 10 years from now. If he loses his scholarship, then he has to figure out how to keep going to school (paying for it himself.) He's an adult, and you need to treat him as one.

 

My ds had his own issues his first year of college. He's home now, working, and trying to figure out how to pay for cc courses this fall (he lost ALL of his financial aid.) We won't pay for the classes, he has to be in school or paying rent, and he is to help out the family. He is learning hard life lessons, but better to learn them now rather than later.

 

Drugs are the end of the world. Criminal charges are the end of the world. Serious injuries (or dying) from stupid decisions (alcohol, reckless driving, etc.) are the end of the world.

 

Flunking out of college because of some girl is not.

 

:grouphug:

[J-rap]

You make some good points... I didn't mean that his parents should hold his hand and make his decisions for him, not at all. What I mean is that a parent can still step in and introduce some other interesting options. Sometimes, when you are in the midst of something that seems so consuming and important, you lose site of other -- maybe healthier -- paths. I don't think that for a parent to suggest other well thought-out, creative options is a bad thing.

 

And as far as my nephew... :) Oh, he is over the romance part. But he was a very vulnerable young man at the time, and his self-confidence and ambition -- which were already fragile -- were really shaken. That's the part that never bounced back. He did not have a mother who held his hand at all; he was completely independent at age 18, on his own, and even when things were starting to go "bad" with his gf, he just didn't have the eyes to see any other path for himself, so he kept staying in an unhealthy relationship, hoping it would get better. As I said, there were many issues involved. Sometimes, my sister feels that if she HAD gotten involved, helped open the door for him to some other opportunities, he would have had the strength to move on, on his own. She doesn't care at all if he has a PhD :) -- just wants him to be happy.

 

I'm not sure any implied "left alone", but short of not funding foolishness, how do you propose to prevent him from making his own decisions? Surely none here think the OP should shut the door and not interact with son, but I have more hope for a kid that hoes his own row rather than one that lets mom and dad make the decisions just because they are afraid of 1) the outside world or 2) bucking their wishes. I was married to one of those, one who finished college at 19 and went to professional school as expected, and 15 years later, when we divorced, Mommy was still calling a lot of shots.

 

And, respectfully, anyone who can't "get over" a romance 12 years ago is either using it as an excuse to get his family off his back (so he can do what he's perfectly happy to do), or the FAMily is using it as an excuse ("kiddo isn't a PhD yet because of that rotten gf 12 years ago), or has some underlying issues. We women are powerful, but not THAT powerful. ;)