My friend wants to have an abortion. WWYD?

[Alte Veste Academy]

To be clear, I agreed with a few other posters who said that this was such an incredibly big mistake that they would risk the friendship by stressing how important it is for her to tell her husband.

 

No one here thinks it is a good idea for her not to tell her husband. No one.

 

If I am your friend, I am going to be honest with you to the end. If you ask for my advice, you will get it. I will tell you what you don't want to hear. I will be gentle with it. I will be kind. I will hug you and get tissues and ice cream. I will hold your hand while you tell your husband. I will tell him for you if you need me to do that. But I will not be untrue to who I am and my ultimate sense of right and wrong. But if you were my friend, you would know that already.

[Caraway]

If I am your friend, I am going to be honest with you to the end. If you ask for my advice, you will get it. I will tell you what you don't want to hear. I will be gentle with it. I will be kind. I will hug you and get tissues and ice cream. I will hold your hand while you tell your husband. I will tell him for you if you need me to do that. But I will not be untrue to who I am and my ultimate sense of right and wrong. But if you were my friend, you would know that already.

 

:001_wub:

[Guest turtlelisa]

 

The best thing for them to do would be to talk to their doctor and to the various Social Services to see what support and options are available. Many people have children a year or so apart and actually find that having two children so close together is easier than having them further apart. If their first child had been twins, they wouldn't have even THOUGHT of getting rid of one of them, after all.

 

Abortion is not illegal in the UK so long as there are very good medical reasons for it but no good doctor would sanction it, I believe, unless there was a very real possibility that there would be harm to the mother or baby if the pregnancy came to term. Abortion is a risky operation for the mother and should certainly only be done under proper medical supervision.

[kroe1]

Personally, I think it is fine to have secrets from hubbies, even great big ones. But she has to understand that there may be consequences of those secrets. Since she has already told her secret to at least one other person, there is more of a risk hubby will find out.

 

But you asked for reasons to keep the pregnancy. Feel free to give the testimony of my first born. I had absolutely no money and was living off of frozen tv dinner samples for 5 months of the pregnancy. I got OB care from the health department, but had to pay back over time because of needing high risk care. Those bills kept me extremely poor for the first 5 years of son's life. I never applied for government assistance because I feared shame. In other words, money was tight and we were skinny from lack of decent food. But he is now an ER physician and has saved countless lives. He has blessed me with one grandchild and another on the way. There is not one minute of those awful years of poverty that I would take away. I was blessed a million times over. And, I managed to start and finish college and beyond, too, by working several jobs that my son could tag along.

 

Let your friend know that she and her hubby can still be successful even with a child.

[cdrumm4448]

To be clear, I agreed with a few other posters who said that this was such an incredibly big mistake that they would risk the friendship by stressing how important it is for her to tell her husband.

 

No one here thinks it is a good idea for her not to tell her husband. No one.

 

If I am your friend, I am going to be honest with you to the end. If you ask for my advice, you will get it. I will tell you what you don't want to hear. I will be gentle with it. I will be kind. I will hug you and get tissues and ice cream. I will hold your hand while you tell your husband. I will tell him for you if you need me to do that. But I will not be untrue to who I am and my ultimate sense of right and wrong. But if you were my friend, you would know that already.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Greta]

I would counsel the friend to share, rely on, depend on and *partner* with her DH.

 

But the visceral and repeated thoughts in this thread, and assumptions about the woman, and the suggestions that she is treating her husband poorly and not worth friendship are anathema to *helping* this woman make a good choice.

 

I'm not convinced that bringing that to her attention would be anathema to helping her. In fact, it might be just the help she needs. I don't doubt at all that this woman loves her husband. But the choice she's considering is not loving toward him. I hope that someone or something will help her realize that before it's too late.

[gardenmom5]

Or they might be equally upset - or more upset -to find out a grandchild was aborted because of finances, especially if it is done without the knowledge of the father, their son. And it will come out somewhere. Some doctor form, some ER visit...it will come out.

.

 

on the boards for labor and delivery (assuming she ever has a child) it lists how many pregnancies a woman has had and how many live births. it will come out.

 

and to the pp's "suggestion she tell him after the fact she "miscarried", that is one more major lie compounding a major lie. be prepared to support her in divorce court because that much disrespect for her spouse will place so much strain on the relationship it will eventually lead to the end of her marriage.

[Denisemomof4]

Yes she carries the baby, but that baby is half his. What a selfish friend.

 

i am pro-life but that doesn't change my opinion.

 

Perhaps your friend should be on birth control. Killing the baby because it is an inconvenience shouldn't be an option. Avoiding pregnancy should be.

[Mrs Mungo]

:iagree:

 

Ive had a M/C and it is not on the same spectrum as an abortion. **hold on before you start the flames by me saying that**... I didnt have a choice in losing my baby. I would NEVER think its ok for me or anyone else to fake a m/c. I wish mine didnt happen but for someone to say it did when it didnt, that just blows my mind.

 

These types of statements show a certain ignorance about the process. As I said before, abortion is a medical term with a specific meaning. A miscarriage is termed a spontaneous abortion, but that doesn't mean that all other abortions are desired. I imagine *most* women who have therapeutic abortions for heartbreaking medical reasons tell people that they had a miscarriage because most people believe that all women who have abortions are making some sort of selfish decision.

 

These types of opinions have become so prevalent (and you see similar opinions sprinkled throughout this thread, it isn't just you) that many Catholic hospitals NOW won't do a D&E or D&X of a dead baby (because it is considered a therapeutic abortion), but they used to. Insurance often will not cover it now. But, there are big risks to women carrying a dead baby and waiting until she delivers the dead baby naturally, risks to her fertility, her mental well-being and to her life. Generally, state legislators are sloppier about the language than federal legislators and federal regulations have caused enough women heartache, financial hardship and heartbreak.

[Denisemomof4]

To be clear, I agreed with a few other posters who said that this was such an incredibly big mistake that they would risk the friendship by stressing how important it is for her to tell her husband.

 

No one here thinks it is a good idea for her not to tell her husband. No one.

 

If I am your friend, I am going to be honest with you to the end. If you ask for my advice, you will get it. I will tell you what you don't want to hear. I will be gentle with it. I will be kind. I will hug you and get tissues and ice cream. I will hold your hand while you tell your husband. I will tell him for you if you need me to do that. But I will not be untrue to who I am and my ultimate sense of right and wrong. But if you were my friend, you would know that already.

 

I have friends like this and I am also that friend. I am blessed.

[DawnM]

I will admit it does bother me that "abortion" is on my medical record.

 

It was a "spontaneous abortion" aka: miscarriage, but still.

 

But you are correct that it is a medical term.

 

Dawn

 

These types of statements show a certain ignorance about the process. As I said before, abortion is a medical term with a specific meaning. A miscarriage is termed a spontaneous abortion, but that doesn't mean that all other abortions are desired. I imagine *most* women who have therapeutic abortions for heartbreaking medical reasons tell people that they had a miscarriage because most people believe that all women who have abortions are making some sort of selfish decision.

 

These types of opinions have become so prevalent (and you see similar opinions sprinkled throughout this thread, it isn't just you) that many Catholic hospitals NOW won't do a D&E or D&X of a dead baby (because it is considered a therapeutic abortion), but they used to. Insurance often will not cover it now. But, there are big risks to women carrying a dead baby and waiting until she delivers the dead baby naturally, risks to her fertility, her mental well-being and to her life. Generally, state legislators are sloppier about the language than federal legislators and federal regulations have caused enough women heartache, financial hardship and heartbreak.

[JeneralMom]

breaks my heart. I realize many people don't believe it's a "life," but how cold are people really that they could feel like this? I cannot even comprehend.

 

 

I should have been clearer in my post. I do not agree what my friend did, but she knew her husband better than anyone, as does the OP's friend, and it is what she chose to do and has no regrets. As for the friend who regretted adoption - that is how she felt and no judgement from anyone else is valid to how she felt.

[Rivka]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know if this has already been addressed, but I am astounded that you would post this here. Did you have your friend's permission to discuss her personal business at length, on a public and permanently archived forum? You have included a LOT of details about this family. Enough that anyone who knows you would be able to identify her.

[DJgang]

Thread title is ' friend wants abortion WWYD'

 

I would beg her to let me adopt the child. Or I would ask if I could keep the child for her and help her. She could be auntie.

 

What she is thinking of doing is so wrong on so many levels that reading this makes me physically sick, that's my opinion and I have a right to it.

[Word Nerd]

I would counsel the friend to share, rely on, depend on and *partner* with her DH.

 

But the visceral and repeated thoughts in this thread, and assumptions about the woman, and the suggestions that she is treating her husband poorly and not worth friendship are anathema to *helping* this woman make a good choice.

 

I said she is treating her husband poorly—because she is—but I did not say she was not worth friendship. I disagree that helping her see that her plan to exclude her DH from the decision is NOT respectful and loving is anathema to helping her make a good choice. (And it's not particularly helpful to imply elsewhere that you are the lone voice of compassion for the woman in this thread.)

[Denisemomof4]

That's another issue too. Now you know. She has, without your consent, placed an added burden on you to carry this secret should she terminate the pregnancy. Are you willing to carry this secret for years to protect her?

 

This is not the type of deceit I would be willing to keep. Just from the CYA perception I would tell the dh about the pregnancy if she is unwilling or unable. Not a light decision, but one I would ultimately make.

 

I agree. What a sh@tty position she put you in, and entirely selfish.

 

Tat is HIS baby, too. He heserves to know about it. He already said he wouldn't want to abort his own.

[Denisemomof4]

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

The woman referenced is not trying to dishonor her marriage; she is trying to SAVE it.

 

I agree that ultimately, it could be a destroyer. But "you" can't be a good friend to this person without realizing that the reason she's considering an abortion is because she is *certain* a pregnancy and baby will destroy it.

 

(I don't agree with the choice to not talk to the husband, but being a friend to her at this moment means understanding her thought process comes from wanting to prevent problems)

 

Look, it takes TWO people to become pregnant, and TWO married people should have a say in this matter.

 

The husband could be so bothered by her betrayal that ending this pregnancy without ever telling him about it could be reason for him to leave.

 

If neither of them wanted a baby right now, they should have been more careful.

[nova147]

 

If neither of them wanted a baby right now, they should have been more careful.

 

We have no idea how careful or not careful they were. Short of complete abstinence, nothing is 100%.

[momto2Cs]

I would have said just what you said. The secret would be a horrible burden to carry and if it was found out would cause a lot of trust issues in their marriage that they may never be able to recover from. They made the baby together so they should make any decisions about it together. Marriage shouldn't be about keeping secrets. I commend you for being a good listener for your friend.

 

:iagree:

[Joanne]

Look, it takes TWO people to become pregnant, and TWO married people should have a say in this matter.

 

The husband could be so bothered by her betrayal that ending this pregnancy without ever telling him about it could be reason for him to leave.

 

If neither of them wanted a baby right now, they should have been more careful.

 

Denise,

 

Please read the entire text on the subject. I am not defending the secret.

[Jpoy85]

Mungo- I was just talking about the calling her abortion a m/c and lying to her DH about it part. I understand the term medically for a m/c.

 

I meant there an abortion (killing your baby) is NOT the same as a m/c (where you dont have a choice) and so to call an abortion a m/c AKA: Lying and calling it that, is NOT ok and it shouldnt be. It upsets at least myself if not others because again, the OP is saying her friend has a CHOICE if her baby lives or dies, I didnt. Id give ANYTHING to have my baby alive instead of sitting on a shelf right now.

 

I hope that kind of clears it up how i meant to word it?

[WishboneDawn]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know if this has already been addressed, but I am astounded that you would post this here. Did you have your friend's permission to discuss her personal business at length, on a public and permanently archived fhorum? You have included a LOT of details about this family. Enough that anyone who knows you would be able to identify her.

 

:iagree:

[annandatje]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know if this has already been addressed, but I am astounded that you would post this here. Did you have your friend's permission to discuss her personal business at length, on a public and permanently archived forum? You have included a LOT of details about this family. Enough that anyone who knows you would be able to identify her.

 

:iagree: That was my initial reaction too. I would not want to be the friend being discussed publicly by a slew of women who did not know me or my situation.

 

Then again I suppose the same could be said of many of the posts here. If everyone agreed with us, this would be a far less active board.

 

Once in awhile I feel a twinge about these kind of posts that I feel when watching some of the more sensationalized TLC programs ... an uncomfortable voyeurism at the casual reading of someone's private pain.

[Mrs Mungo]

Mungo- I was just talking about the calling her abortion a m/c and lying to her DH about it part. I understand the term medically for a m/c.

 

I meant there an abortion (killing your baby) is NOT the same as a m/c (where you dont have a choice) and so to call an abortion a m/c AKA: Lying and calling it that, is NOT ok and it shouldnt be. It upsets at least myself if not others because again, the OP is saying her friend has a CHOICE if her baby lives or dies, I didnt. Id give ANYTHING to have my baby alive instead of sitting on a shelf right now.

 

I hope that kind of clears it up how i meant to word it?

 

No, it really doesn't. Many women who have therapeutic abortions DO NOT have a choice. They would also love to have a living baby, but their pregnancy was never going to end that way. Please stop implying that every woman who has an abortion is choosing to end a life, that is simply not true. It may be true in the case described in the OP, but it is not always true and *many* of the posts imply that it is.