My friend wants to have an abortion. WWYD?

[Mandylubug]

well, I will say babies aren't THAT expensive. I had my first son at the age of 20, on medicaid. I was eligible for WIC that paid for formula. I bought off brand diapers at 5 bucks a pack. So four packs a week, that is 20 bucks a month. I think when people use finances as a reason to abort, they aren't thinking clearly. Kids do become more expensive when they get older but we allow it to be more expensive. We could all save tons by accepting free hand me down clothes, shopping at goodwill, using free resources and activities out there.

 

Schooling wise, it can still be done. The question is how determined the individual family is to work it through. If they aren't willing to work through this situation and fight hard for it: what are they willing to fight hard for. Family is the strongest motivator in my life! Money is just money.

 

eta: there are also other ways to get degrees other than going to a B&M school. The father could take online courses and still work full time. Heck, my husband is working full time plus doubles right now, in addition to taking 3 courses extra OVER full time status. He attends a B&M school twice a week, takes two classes online and works all the other times. We have four kids to raise and they are doing GREAT! We have survived on less than 20,000 a year and have been happy. Finances CAN NOT be the winning factor here, nor school. Where there is a will there will be a way

Edited May 19, 2012 by Mandylubug

[LaxMom]

She talked about my friend not taking "two become one," seriously, which is quoting Scripture.

 

There have been several prolife people whose advice I am taking to heart. I'm not sure what you mean

 

Um, I think on many levels, including secular, that is exactly what a marriage means. You give up complete autonomy when you bind yourself to another person, whether that is a spouse or a child. You obligate yourself to include them in your life, and to give their well being due weight in your thoughts and actions. I'm not sure I can think of another reason for marriage.

[butterflymommy]

Are you sure she's not using finances as an excuse for a different reason? Maybe she's afraid of labor/ giving birth, maybe she just doesn't want to be a mom?

 

As far as finances go... I'd remind her that there are any number of people having babies with no resources of their own. It can be done, and it's done all the time. My hospital roommate was on her second baby by age 18, she had government provided shelter, medical care, welfare, food stamps, and social workers who helped her get to appointments etc.. If your friend has a baby she would probably be eligible for aid that she doesn't qualify for now (WIC, for instance, and perhaps subsidized housing).

 

The lie of keeping this from her husband will poison the relationship, and if he ever finds out, it could be the doom of the marriage. At the very least she needs to discuss this with him, with an open mind. It's his child too.

[Skadi]

Um, I think on many levels, including secular, that is exactly what a marriage means. You give up complete autonomy when you bind yourself to another person, whether that is a spouse or a child. You obligate yourself to include them in your life, and to give their well being due weight in your thoughts and actions. I'm not sure I can think of another reason for marriage.

 

I didn't think of it that way. Perhaps I overreacted! :blush:

[crazyforlatin]

When I was in grad school, it looked as if 1/5 of the students had little kids whose spouse worked a little or not. One of my friends had 2 kids and he worked part-time in the student services. It's not impossible to go through school and raise a family. I don't see it as an either/or situation.

 

Just remembered - my FIL went to grad school while my MIL raised a baby and a toddler.

Edited May 19, 2012 by crazyforlatin

[nova147]

Nearly every woman, no matter how pro-life, when she gets pregnant, thinks and considers whether this is really what she wants to do. That is part of the psychological task of the first trimester, when you are just getting used to the idea of being pregnant. You can reassure her that the worry and fear that she's feeling is a stage that so many of us pass through-- it doesn't necessarily mean that getting the Ab is the thing she wants to do.

 

As for the in-laws, who cares whether they will be disappointed? It's not their decision. And even if they are less than thrilled, they may very likely change their minds when they see their grandbaby.

 

:iagree:

 

(FTR vehemently pro-life)

 

With my last 3 pregnancies (one of which ended in a miscarriage), I was out of my mind with worry. Our financial situation sucks and has for a while. With my youngest, I was probably 16 weeks before I felt happy about the pregnancy. (Gosh, that makes me feel awful.)

 

My sister got pregnant at 19. She told my parents. Mom asked if she was getting an abortion. Dad said "No. she's not." And that was that. Parents can be surprising.

 

 

Honestly, I think you need to do absolutely everything you can do to talk her into telling her husband. I would bring my friendship to the brink if it meant saving my friend from ruining her marriage in this way.

 

THIS.

 

Prayers for the whole situation.

[LaxMom]

I didn't think of it that way. Perhaps I overreacted! :blush:

 

It happens. I was just trying to lend a different perspective. And, come to think of it, I think we recently had this discussion about a woman getting pregnant against her husband's expressed wishes. The group opinion was the same.

 

I feel for you. I don't think I could support a friend in a deception like this. I think it's wrong to ask a friend to be complicit in such a thing. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

I would affirm that she is trying to find a solution that honors the marriage. I am NOT saying that the lie would honor the marriagem but it is important for someone to *hear* her motive. Her motive is to protect her husband, futurem and marriage. I think any assumption of negative intent is unkind and unhelpful.

 

I would affirm the complexity of the issue and that is is life changing not matter what way she goes.

 

I would promise to support and love her no matter what she chooses.

 

And I'd hug her as often as I could. I'd BE the love, care, and support she needs to have the strength to talk to her husband and consider options.

 

And I'd ask how I could help, and I'd follow through.

Edited May 19, 2012 by Joanne

[SKL]

I believe that since he's her husband and the baby was the result of sex with mutual consent, they both have an equal say in this. We're talking about her husband's son or daughter. I also think it would be very hard to keep this secret without significantly compromising the marriage.

 

As for the finances, it seems likely that the baby would make them eligible for some government aid, so I would encourage her to not make this decision about money.

[kalanamak]

She's 25, he's...29 I think.

 

To be honest, I think I would have kept it a secret at 25. I think I would have been really devastated to have lost a husband over this at 25. I'm braver/more independent now, and if he dumped me over this, good riddance. But I wouldn't have felt that way 30 years ago.

 

What a mess...

[HSMWB]

I think it will haunt her forever if she does not tell her DH and have them come to a decision together. It is not a secret I would want to have.

[Jen in PA]

I just wanted to say that I think you are a wonderful friend to think over her situation with so much concern and so little judgment. We should all have friends like you.:grouphug:

[jujsky]

I haven't read the other posts because I didn't want them to color my judgement. I can understand why she would consider abortion under those circumstances, but I think keeping it from her husband is unwise. Ultimately it is her body and should be her decision, but that is an enormous secret to keep. She may not be fine emotionally after having an abortion. What if she has an abortion and later on has problems conceiving? Would she feel guilty? Would she feel she was somehow being punished? How could she keep it from her husband in that situation? If she did, I bet she'd be consumed by guilt. Some little secrets are okay to keep in a marriage. That is not a little secret.

[catz]

I think it will haunt her forever if she does not tell her DH and have them come to a decision together. It is not a secret I would want to have.

 

:iagree: That just seems a recipe for disaster on a marriage. It could eat her up keeping that a secret. It could destroy him when he finds out. I think whatever decision they come to should be as a couple. (and I am pro-choice).

[*Inna*]

It's a tough situation to be in.

 

I know every marriage is different, but I want to share my friend's story.

 

They had a daughter, I think she was around age 10 at that time. Then my friend became pregnant again. At the same time she had a huge career opportunity.

 

In short, she chose to abort the baby and get this job. She didn't talk to her husband about this, because she was afraid he'd be against abortion (even though they are pro-choice).

 

He found out a few months after it happened. It devastated him.

They are divorced now.

[Dustybug]

I feel that making that decision without her husband's knowledge or consent is demeaning to their marriage and to her husband both as a person deserving of respect and as the baby's father. That burden would be far greater than an unplanned baby. Grad school would still be possible.

 

Full disclosure: pro-life here. :D

 

In all fairness, I'm Prolife. So, I just want to disclose that.

 

These are my thoughts.

 

1. Abortions, like pregnancies, are not without risk. She needs to understand that she could have problems or complications that she would need to explain/deal with.

 

2. Deception is completely wrong in a marriage. Period. I can't think of any good reason for her not to tell her husband. If he is pro-choice (to a degree it sounds), he should be open to her thoughts and concerns about the pregnancy.

 

3. This is NOT just her decision. Because of #1, she needs to let her husband know. If she has the procedure and has complications, what will she do? It's just too risky.

 

HTH!:grouphug:

 

I'm pro-life as well and agree with both of these statements. Deception in marriage is never good.

 

Also, it might be her body but it is THEIR child. He should have a say so in this.

[Marylou]

Skadi, I think you are a dear friend for trying to help :grouphug:

 

 

To all of us: Doesn't the fact that this is such a HUGE deal plainly show that we're not talking about a blob of tissue? The friend is not struggling over getting a wild pedicure, a b00k job, or some purple ink on her ankle secretly behind her husband's back. She is struggling with killing something that is now living, something her husband had a part in creating.

 

And there is absolutely nothing shameful about a married woman relinquishing her child and making an adoption plan. Nothing shameful about that at all.

Edited May 19, 2012 by dmmosher

[Lawana]

I knew a couple-worked with the dh and took a class from the dw- who had experienced an unplanned pregnancy which the wife chose to abort. A few years later, when the timing was more to her liking, she found herself unable to conceive.

 

Clearly this is completely anecdotal, but it is one possible scenario to consider.

[scrappyhappymama]

When my husband was in grad school, we lived halfway across the country from each other and I lived with my parents. We already had one child and my mom watched him so I could work while my husband was in school. It was not an ideal situation and it was certainly degrading to have to rely on my parents so much in this way, but we looked at it as a short term investment into our future. Two years didn't feel short term at the time, but looking back it really was.

 

I was able to visit with my husband every few months and during this time, we were faced with an unplanned pregnancy! In every way: timing, financial, emotional, practical, career-wise- it was unfortunate. But we made it through, with a lot of help from friends and family and very little sleep. And of course our son is a great blessing to us!

 

I share this because, while I am pro-life, I can certainly appreciate the turmoil of your friend's situation. I think it is admirable that she wants to protect her husband's dreams and aspirations. But, he is a grown man and her partner, and he deserves the right to make these decisions alongside her. The same way she is agonized about the choices he would face is potentially how he would feel about the choice she is considering. I know this is not actually possible, but if she were to imagine how she'd feel if he aborted his dreams of graduate school so that she could become a mother *without taking her feelings into consideration and without her knowledge.* Wouldn't she feel a sense of betrayal that she was not treated with the respect of an equal to have an equal say in this decision? Since they are both pro-choice, I think it likely that she does expect the same level of input on important decisions in their life and in their marriage. To me, the abortion issue aside, it seems fundamentally wrong for her to make a decision of this magnitude without considering his input. If he were to do the same on any other issue, most women would feel deeply betrayed and disrespected.

[Rhonda in TX]

I cannot see having that sort of deceit within a marriage. She absolutely should tell him.

[Beatusduo]

Here is a phone number and website that might help.

 

http://www.glgabrielproject.org/

 

 

877-734-2444

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[Free]

I think your friend is reacting to the unknown. I would help her explore different ways this would work so she at least won't be uninformed when she makes the decision.

 

:iagree: There are always options that can be worked out if one is looking for them.

 

If the decision to terminate the pregnancy was arrived at by both the husband and the wife together then I would see no problem. But the fact that she is keeping her husband in the dark about something like this can be very damaging to their marriage.

[Audrey]

I am also pro-choice, but I am never for keeping secrets from a spouse. This is a HUGE secret. It is the kind of secret that can be a relationship destroyer very, very easily. This is their issue. It is not just her issue. She needs to tell him and tell him her reasons why she wants the abortion. Then she needs to listen to his thoughts and together they need to come to a decision without anyone else's input.

[Shahrazad]

When my husband was in grad school, we lived halfway across the country from each other and I lived with my parents. We already had one child and my mom watched him so I could work while my husband was in school. It was not an ideal situation and it was certainly degrading to have to rely on my parents so much in this way, but we looked at it as a short term investment into our future. Two years didn't feel short term at the time, but looking back it really was.

 

I was able to visit with my husband every few months and during this time, we were faced with an unplanned pregnancy! In every way: timing, financial, emotional, practical, career-wise- it was unfortunate. But we made it through, with a lot of help from friends and family and very little sleep. And of course our son is a great blessing to us!

 

I share this because, while I am pro-life, I can certainly appreciate the turmoil of your friend's situation. I think it is admirable that she wants to protect her husband's dreams and aspirations. But, he is a grown man and her partner, and he deserves the right to make these decisions alongside her. The same way she is agonized about the choices he would face is potentially how he would feel about the choice she is considering. I know this is not actually possible, but if she were to imagine how she'd feel if he aborted his dreams of graduate school so that she could become a mother *without taking her feelings into consideration and without her knowledge.* Wouldn't she feel a sense of betrayal that she was not treated with the respect of an equal to have an equal say in this decision? Since they are both pro-choice, I think it likely that she does expect the same level of input on important decisions in their life and in their marriage. To me, the abortion issue aside, it seems fundamentally wrong for her to make a decision of this magnitude without considering his input. If he were to do the same on any other issue, most women would feel deeply betrayed and disrespected.

 

:iagree:

- Although it is ultimately her decision and she holds the greater investment in continuing a pregnancy, her husband definitely has the right to an opinion and to have a say that factors in. It is a bad idea, under stressful situations to make a serious decision by yourself without consulting others involved. Perhaps he would want the baby and he would feel they could work through and not end up the worse for it financially and career-wise for him.

 

- There is a physical toll and there is an emotional toll. Not only should she be aware that she may react and feel differently than she imagined, but once it is done she will have no support for herself and her husband would be oblivious.

 

- If he ever finds out, he will likely not forgive her for such a huge deception.

 

- It is doable even if finances are tight and husband is in school. I'm just saying, if the reason is more that she wants him to have his chance at grad school and she is worried about money and less that she doesn't want a baby period...We have done it personally. My dh was not only in school but preparing to transition into med school! I had a complicated pregnancy with tons of issues and financially, things were rough too but we managed, if anything we're doing better than we were in the past and I learned a lot of things about how it really can be managed. Babies don't NEED a beautiful nursery equipped with the latest designer fashions, they need loving parents and the materials they need to thrive are actually not that much and can be done inexpensively.

 

I'm don't fall clearly within the confines of pro-life or pro-choice so I can't really give full disclosure on a label there. :)

[Teachin'Mine]

IMO she's making a lot of assumptions about how her husband and his family will view her pregnancy and the decisions they'd make. It's not possible for her to know without at least talking with her husband. He might be feel that his plans need to be changed, but he might also be thrilled, but she won't know if she doesn't discuss it with him. I also don't see why he couldn't continue with trying for the graduate degree. Their child will be young and there are lots of programs to help make ends meet. It wouldn't be forever. I hope that at the least, she waits to talk with her husband. That would be an incredibly hard secret to carry.

 

I do believe every baby is precious, and I will be praying for them and for you as you counsel her. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I can't get past the "without her husband's knowledge".

 

that displays a *profound* disrespect for the marriage relationship. Do you want to stand by her in divorce court when he finds out she has such little respect for him?

 

Considering my married mother considered aborting me, I was a "third", (but lived to be *very* glad she didn't) - I'd say "nay".

[mo2]

So young! I am pro-choice, but that is NOT the kind of secret one should keep from their spouse, no matter how good the intentions are (his school, career, etc.) So you should be her friend, support her, encourage her to tell her husband, and then accept whatever decision she makes.

[phathui5]

I think that aborting without consulting the other parent, particularly since she's married, is not a good life choice. What happens if/when he finds out that she did this without telling him?

[Joanne]

To all of us: Doesn't the fact that this is such a HUGE deal plainly show that we're not talking about a blob of tissue? The friend is not struggling over getting a wild pedicure, a b00k job, or some purple ink on her ankle secretly behind her husband's back. She is struggling with killing something that is now living, something her husband had a part in creating.

 

 

 

I'm not sure of the point you are trying to make to "all of us". :glare:

 

I think that people posting are missing the points. Abortion is murder, she should talk to her husband, no one is financially ready for kids........

 

None of this will help her. None of this will help the OP be better friends with her.

 

The woman referenced in the OP is thinking along these lines out of fear, wanting a good marriage, and deep, complex emotions. Patronizing or trivializing the complexity and the validity of ALL of her thought processes will simply make her go underground and make decisions without support at all.

 

She's going to need a *helpful*, kind soul no matter what she chooses.

 

All 3 choices:

 

1. abort

2. have/keep

3. have/adopt

 

Are difficult and marriage and life changing. A friend won't get anywhere with the woman in the OP without nonjudgmental empathy.

 

Much of this thread reads like telling a smoker "smoking is bad for you."

:confused:

[justasque]

“Your silence will not protect you.”

― Audre Lorde

 

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

― Audre Lorde

 

She is scared, her life is changing, she has some very serious decisions to make. It is good she is being honest with you. Good for her to have an opportunity to talk it out, to ask "what if", to express her fears in an accepting and loving environment. Assuming she has a good relationship with her husband, she needs to tell him too. Being honest with him will be tough, will be scary, might be lonely, but she needs to be able to be her true self with her husband, now and always in the future.

Lay it bare, let it hurt, cry, breathe, be scared together.

That's marriage. That's love. That's a family.

[kathkath]

Sounds like a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[phathui5]

Dh says that that's a bad secret to keep from your husband.

[ma23peas]

Dh says that that's a bad secret to keep from your husband.

 

Agree, it took two to conceive, they made a vow to each other...it should take two to make this decision. Life is all about choices...this father needs one.

[Hannah C.]

What a difficult situation to be in. If I was her, I would be terrified and not know what to do.

 

I think she needs to talk to her husband. She needs his support, he needs to be informed, and they need to make whatever decision they make *together*. It would be a VERY bad idea, IMHO, to have an abortion without telling him.

 

Also, I noted that he wasn't accepted to graduate school...meaning that, while he wants this, his chances may or may not be that great. It may be a mistake to put that possible future ahead of the more concrete one facing them.

 

(FTR, I'm pro-life. I think I'd be saying the same thing if I was pro-choice.)

[RanchGirl]

This could be just a momentary freakout kind of thing. I get that she is scared, it's normal to be scared when facing such big change. But I would point out that an abortion won't solve the problem. She is risking her marriage by keeping this kind of secret. What if she has health complications from the abortion and her dh finds out that way? How will she feel if her marriage ends because of this, or if her husband stays with her but never trusts her? Or if she can never have any more kids and has to live with getting rid of their one chance to be biological parents?

 

I'm not sure I would say this unless you are extremely diplomatic and feel she is ready to hear it, but I think she knows it is the wrong choice to abort if she can't bring herself to tell her husband about it. She is acting like a scared teenager afraid to tell her parents, not an adult woman who has a husband sharing her life.

[Harriet Vane]

I feel that making that decision without her husband's knowledge or consent is demeaning to their marriage and to her husband both as a person deserving of respect and as the baby's father. That burden would be far greater than an unplanned baby. Grad school would still be possible.

 

Full disclosure: pro-life here. :D

 

:iagree:

 

The really compelling factor here is the burden of the secret from her husband. It is NOT her right to unilaterally make decisions for him, either. They are married and they should face this--and anything else--together.

[Love_to_Read]

I would strongly encourage her to discuss this with her husband. It is not fair for her to "guess" his thoughts in such an important matter, and will eat away at her. What if she has the abortion, and down the road, her husband decides not to go to grad school. How will she feel then?

 

 

If your friend is concerned about the medical risks bearing a child, she needs to know the medical risks of having an abortion as well.

 

It is complex.

 

I'd struggle to listen as well as Joanne, but I'd hope to be enough of a sounding board to broach the above two topics...to encourage her to seek info on the medical risks to think through that option realistically instead of idealistically, and to explore the what ifs of her future if she has the abortion, if dh does or doesn't finish school, with or without the baby, etc. What are her biggest fears? Are they guarenteed to come true? In what ways could they be worked around in each option? Will either option guarentee that those fears WON'T come true? (For example..abort, finish school, still not find a job. Ack.) If she doesn't tell him...what are the likely results if he never finds out? If he does find out?

 

If their roles were reversed...what if he had a vasectomy without her knowledge, assuming that she'd rather have a career? What if he was unable to have it repaired a decade down the line? His body, but would she feel lied to? Cheated out of an expectation that she'd be a parent eventually?

 

It's probably all one big tangle like a maze with no exit, in her heart and head right now, but I think that exploring the paths might help her evaluate with a little more perspective beyond the fear. It is a scary situation, and the parents-in-law might react poorly. Dh might react poorly. Again...run through scenarios...what if parents got mad. Then what? Would it just be verbal disapproval, or would they need to move? Would dh get mad? If not, what does that say about him and his wishes? My apologies to anyone against gov.aid, but what would another family member do toward qualifying for low income anything, or toward college financial aid?

 

If this many mamas are coming to the same conclusion, your friend may also, after she's talked through the fear.

[Aggie]

:iagree:

 

The really compelling factor here is the burden of the secret from her husband. It is NOT her right to unilaterally make decisions for him, either. They are married and they should face this--and anything else--together.

 

Yes. She would be horrified, and rightly so, if he slipped her an abortifacient without her knowledge.

 

Would she be open to talking with someone who had an abortion and has regrets?

[Hope in God]

I can't help but imagine what would happen in the future when it was the 'right time' and they did have a child together.

 

If it was me I'm sure that all I could think about when I looked into that little one's face and held that soft newborn hand would be the child that was aborted. If abortion devastates a woman who has support just think of what it would do to a woman that carries that secret alone. I don't expect that the marriage would last with that level of betrayal and you would be doing your friend a diservice if you neglected to clue her into this reality.

 

Sometimes the best friend is the one that takes the risk and tells it as it is. Everyone on this board (both pro-life and pro-chioce) seems to be able to see the reality of the train wreck that she would be walking into.

[mom2samlibby]

John is pro-choice but he has said in the past that he'd only consider abortion if the fetus was diagnosed with some sort of extreme medical condition. He doesn't see anything wrong with abortion, but it's not something he'd choose for himself, if that makes sense. J

 

This says to me that he is not really pro-choice.

 

If she goes ahead with an abortion without telling him and he would ever find out, I can see there being HUGE problems with their marriage. This situation makes me think of what has been happening on Grey's Anatomy with Christine and her husband. She had an abortion without telling him and it is causing many, many problems in their marriage. It's a big trust issue.

 

I can't imagine doing anything like this without discussing it with my husband.

[Jpoy85]

cant she give the baby up for adoption instead?

 

:confused:

[Free]

cant she give the baby up for adoption instead?

 

:confused:

How can she do that without the husband knowing? :confused:

[dangermom]

This says to me that he is not really pro-choice.

 

 

I don't understand your statement. If he is in favor of people choosing, but would himself only choose abortion under certain specific circumstances, how is that not pro-choice?

[Jpoy85]

How can she do that without the husband knowing? :confused:

 

i mean if (and hopefully she will) talk things out then if they feel its not a good time for them, then they could do adoption instead. Then they can help someone else while getting on their feet until the time comes for them.

 

Im Pro Life and I agree Abortion comes with a cost. Not just medical, but emotional. Even if you are Pro Choice, you still have emotional effects from doing it and thats not something that just goes away. Im just saying with Adoption, yes you feel sadness and grief, but you feel happy at the same time because you know youre helping someone else and youre child will be taken care of and one day maybe youll meet them and have a relationship. I hope that makes sense?

[Kertie]

We're not pro-life unless we love the mother, too.

 

I don't think Skadi only wants pro-choice advice. I think she wants advice from everyone who's been scared to become a mother, everyone who's had their life turned upside down as a woman, and everyone who cares whether this young woman survives this crisis with a good outlook for her own future.

 

I want Jane to have the baby. I want her to do the adult thing and let motherhood turn her inside out and break her heart and bring her more joy than she ever thought humanly possible. I want her husband to know what it means to live for his child, as well, and to share parenthood with the mother of his child. I believe that's the correct response to the news that a child has been conceived. People have to grow. Babies do, and so do their parents. It's a pretty good system as designed, and not just for Christians or pro-life people.

 

It's not only a matter of what happens to the baby. It's also a matter of what this young woman is learning about herself, and her marriage, and how she approaches the big issues of life. That's why she has to slow down her thinking, and why her friends have to be gentle and loving. She's somebody. She matters, too. She needs help handling this so that she can live with the person she finds herself to actually be for a lifetime, whatever she decides.

 

Beautifully put:).

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think she knows it is the wrong choice to abort if she can't bring herself to tell her husband about it. She is acting like a scared teenager afraid to tell her parents, not an adult woman who has a husband sharing her life.

 

I can't help but imagine what would happen in the future when it was the 'right time' and they did have a child together.

 

If it was me I'm sure that all I could think about when I looked into that little one's face and held that soft newborn hand would be the child that was aborted. If abortion devastates a woman who has support just think of what it would do to a woman that carries that secret alone. I don't expect that the marriage would last with that level of betrayal and you would be doing your friend a diservice if you neglected to clue her into this reality.

 

Sometimes the best friend is the one that takes the risk and tells it as it is. Everyone on this board (both pro-life and pro-chioce) seems to be able to see the reality of the train wreck that she would be walking into.

 

She's afraid. Her first instinct is to fix it as quickly as possible. I think the thing that needs to be stressed is that a secret like this would not go away. She would live with that secret every day, for the rest of her marriage. It would poison her marriage and likely lead her to a place of deep regret. There will be no going back. She will know that she betrayed her husband. That she lied. It will poison the way she thinks about him, the way she thinks about herself. She will never be able to escape it. She needs to be talked down from the fear and into having the conversation with her husband. After that, at least they can face the decision together.

 

Years down the road, when she's older and has lived a little more, she will realize that these unexpected detours happen in life. They're often scary as h3ll, but most of the time they bring you to a place that you don't regret going. When that happens (and it's something that can't be "fixed," like with an abortion), she will deeply grieve any decision made in fear. She will realize that just because you are afraid, doesn't mean you need to escape. That's when the secret will start eating her alive.

 

Honestly, I think you need to do absolutely everything you can do to talk her into telling her husband. I would bring my friendship to the brink if it meant saving my friend from ruining her marriage in this way.

 

I agree with all of this. I would absolutely risk losing the friendship over this. To be completely honest, I could not be friends with someone who was so dishonorable to her marriage anyway. :(

Edited May 19, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Heather in Neverland]

It happens. I was just trying to lend a different perspective. And, come to think of it, I think we recently had this discussion about a woman getting pregnant against her husband's expressed wishes. The group opinion was the same.

 

I feel for you. I don't think I could support a friend in a deception like this. I think it's wrong to ask a friend to be complicit in such a thing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

If she were a single woman, it would be different. But when you get married, you face life and the choices therein TOGETHER.

[mom2samlibby]

I don't understand your statement. If he is in favor of people choosing, but would himself only choose abortion under certain specific circumstances, how is that not pro-choice?

 

Because he would only choose abortion himself if the fetus had an extreme medical condition. The OP reads to me like he would not choose that option for himself. If it is not something that he is personally willing to do, then he is not pro-choice.

 

I feel that if you are pro-whatever, it would be something that you yourself are willing to do, if in that situation.

 

It's one thing to say that you are ok with other people having the choice, but another to actually have to do it yourself.

 

From the info that the OP gave about John, I can't seem him making the choice of abortion for a baby that he has fathered.

 

Either way, it needs to be a decision that they make together.

[Alte Veste Academy]

double post

[Alte Veste Academy]

If it is not something that he is personally willing to do, then he is not pro-choice.

 

I feel that if you are pro-whatever, it would be something that you yourself are willing to do, if in that situation.

 

This is a common misunderstanding of the pro-choice position. To be pro choice is not being for abortion. It is the belief that this is a choice that others should be entitled to make for themselves. It is a recognition that people have different values, situations, etc. I know many pro-choice people who would never have an abortion themselves. It is a complex position.