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My friend wants to have an abortion. WWYD?


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:confused:

Because he would only choose abortion himself if the fetus had an extreme medical condition. The OP reads to me like he would not choose that option for himself. If it is not something that he is personally willing to do, then he is not pro-choice.

 

I feel that if you are pro-whatever, it would be something that you yourself are willing to do, if in that situation.

 

It's one thing to say that you are ok with other people having the choice, but another to actually have to do it yourself.

 

From the info that the OP gave about John, I can't seem him making the choice of abortion for a baby that he has fathered.

 

Either way, it needs to be a decision that they make together.

 

:confused: being pro-choice means that you don't believe abortion should be illegal. I have friends who actually believe abortion is wrong for any reason, they would never do it, and they would never advise anyone to do it. Yet they are pro-choice because they don't believe it is something that should be legislated.

 

I think adultery is wrong, I would never do it, and I would encourage my friends and others not to do it. I would even state publicly that I believe it is wrong. But I don't believe it should be illegal. Grounds for divorce, yes, but not a crime.

 

I am also pro-choice when it comes to beverages. I personally would never drink a diet soda, a beer, or a mountain dew unless it were the only thing available and I were desperately thirsty. And yet, amazingly enough, not only do I not think these particular beverages should be outlawed, I don't even think people who drink them are doing anything wrong/immoral. Are you saying that because I would never drink a Diet Coke, I don't truly think other people should have the option to drink them?

 

ETA: I'm staunchly pro-life, in the interest of full disclosure. I also think Jane should talk to her DH. He just might agree with her, and then if she decides to go forward with an abortion, she would at least have his help and support and not go through it alone. On the other hand, facing the fear together might give her the courage to continue the pregnancy.

Edited by TXBeth
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Maybe the pp worded her post poorly by saying he was jot pro-choice, but she was trying to make the point that he would probably jot choose an abortoon. I agree. From what the OP has said, I think he would he against an abortion of his child in thosbcase. Not discussing it with him could ruin their marriage.

 

Yes, it is possible she can keep this secret her whole life, but it would eat het up inside. Urge her to discuss this with her husband. She may see that he feels differently, he may be fine with school and a baby. His parents may be completely supportive. They may be excited even. Do they have any other grandchildren? She is risking a lot by not telling her husband. At the very least, try to convince her to wait a few weeks before doing anything.

 

If she truly values her marriage, she will not do this without her husband. I could imagine having a baby without my husband's help and support. It would even bbe worse to deal with looking a child and not having him to lean on. Whether it is a choice or not, she will still grieve for the baby. She needs someone, and it should be her husband.

 

For the record, I am pro-life; but I am more concerned about her marriage at this point, and her mental health. Secrets can destroy a person from the inside.

 

:confused:

 

:confused: being pro-choice means that you don't believe abortion should be illegal. I have friends who actually believe abortion is wrong for any reason, they would never do it, and they would never advise anyone to do it. Yet they are pro-choice because they don't believe it is something that should be legislated.

 

I think adultery is wrong, I would never do it, and I would encourage my friends and others not to do it. I would even state publicly that I believe it is wrong. But I don't believe it should be illegal. Grounds for divorce, yes, but not a crime.

 

I am also pro-choice when it comes to beverages. I personally would never drink a diet soda, a beer, or a mountain dew unless it were the only thing available and I were desperately thirsty. And yet, amazingly enough, not only do I not think these particular beverages should be outlawed, I don't even think people who drink them are doing anything wrong/immoral. Are you saying that because I would never drink a Diet Coke, I don't truly think other people should have the option to drink them?

 

ETA: I'm staunchly pro-life, in the interest of full disclosure. I also think Jane should talk to her DH. He just might agree with her, and then if she decides to go forward with an abortion, she would at least have his help and support and not go through it alone. On the other hand, facing the fear together might give her the courage to continue the pregnancy.

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I just read through a few of the responses and I didn't see this brought up. But will you continue being her friend if she has the abortion and doesn't tell her husband?? I would not keep a friend who was okay with 1)deceiving her husband in such a huge way and 2)perfectly fine with having an abortion. The same way I wouldn't keep a friend if they told me they were having an affair and fine with it.

 

I am 100% pro life and 100% for not keeping a huge secret from my husband. Also, I don't think 25 is that young, she is capable of being a mom at that age. It isn't like she is 13 (still against abortion even in a 13 year old).

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I'm not sure what to say to her. I have reminded her that if she does this, it's a secret she'll have to keep from her DH forever, and that's a huge burden. Deceiving him could be potentially worse for their relationship than an unplanned baby. But I feel for the position she's in. I'd like to hear your thoughts. :bigear:

 

This is headed for heartache. No advice but I hope you can help her think it through. :grouphug::grouphug:

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That's another issue too. Now you know. She has, without your consent, placed an added burden on you to carry this secret should she terminate the pregnancy. Are you willing to carry this secret for years to protect her?

 

This is not the type of deceit I would be willing to keep. Just from the CYA perception I would tell the dh about the pregnancy if she is unwilling or unable. Not a light decision, but one I would ultimately make.

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I could never be friends with someone who was so dishonest. And, I'm not one of those friends who just listens. If you're old enough to actively participate in the creation of people, you're old enough to take responsibility for it. It's interesting that if we found one single cell of life on another planet, we'd all be screaming, "There's life on another planet!", but when that single cell grows in a women's uterus, it's considered a choice.

 

It's not that child's fault they're not emotionally ready, or financially ready, or that conditions aren't perfect (lying to your husband is terribly immature). Life isn't perfect. Deal.

Edited by cdrumm4448
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That's another issue too. Now you know. She has, without your consent, placed an added burden on you to carry this secret should she terminate the pregnancy. Are you willing to carry this secret for years to protect her?

 

This is not the type of deceit I would be willing to keep. Just from the CYA perception I would tell the dh about the pregnancy if she is unwilling or unable. Not a light decision, but one I would ultimately make.

 

I agree. I think I would tell the husband as well. Some may say it isn't "my" place to do so. But the friend made it "my" place by telling me. And yes, it would probably end the friendship, but I would rather end the friendship then a life and a marriage.

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This is a common misunderstanding of the pro-choice position. To be pro choice is not being for abortion. It is the belief that this is a choice that others should be entitled to make for themselves. It is a recognition that people have different values, situations, etc. I know many pro-choice people who would never have an abortion themselves. It is a complex position.

 

There is an element of "pro-choice" that pushes for abortion. I have personally encountered people like this. They view the decision not to abort (in any less than ideal parental circumstance, however that could be defined) as grossly irresponsible, sometimes going so far as believing the mother should not receive any assistance or compassion because she could have/ should have aborted and now it's her problem because she made her bed.

 

This doesn't make the decision any easier for women like the OP's friend.

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That's another issue too. Now you know. She has, without your consent, placed an added burden on you to carry this secret should she terminate the pregnancy. Are you willing to carry this secret for years to protect her?

 

This is not the type of deceit I would be willing to keep. Just from the CYA perception I would tell the dh about the pregnancy if she is unwilling or unable. Not a light decision, but one I would ultimately make.

 

My thought exactly.

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As an aside -- most doctors ask if you've been pregnant before. It was on the form I filled out for my kids' birth certificate. I was asked how many times I'd been pregnant, how many live births, how many miscarriages, how many abortions, and what was the outcome of my last pregnancy. On the bc form. The info is not put on the bc. Also my ethnic background and that of the father, also not on the bc, but this info goes somewhere.

 

Aside from all the other thoughts here -

 

I think it is a huge mistake for one person to assume something will lead to disaster or be a bad idea for x, y, and z reasons without consulting someone else. For example, she may think he wants to go to grad school or whatever, and he may think having a child is worth sacrificing for. It is presumptuous of her to think she understands everything her husband thinks. He may not feel the way she "knows" he would feel. And that includes if he ever finds out she had an abortion without telling him. I would think this could be a devastating blow. He might, on the contrary, be perfectly delighted and find ways to bring things together. Medicaid usage during pregnancy, for example, does not have to be so humiliating that one would rather abort than seek those services. It's actually very common, and some of that is because so many health care plans don't cover much or anything during pregnancy / birth.

 

There are plenty of people who believe abortion should be legal but aren't in a rush to get one themselves. The idea often is that it is to allow people in desperate situations to make their own decisions, or that government shouldn't be involved in investigating to see, for example, if there is enough evidence to support that a woman was raped or whatever.

 

And sadly, there actually are people who, when their baby is born, look at it and wish they hadn't had it. There are people in the world who have their newborns put to death. My parents have friends who adopted a baby (it was arranged while the woman was pregnant) from a married woman who already had several children. She did not want that baby.

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That's another issue too. Now you know. She has, without your consent, placed an added burden on you to carry this secret should she terminate the pregnancy. Are you willing to carry this secret for years to protect her?

You are so right about this. I didn't even think about that.

 

I think maybe Jane is thinking an abortion will be like a magic eraser. She waves her wand and the pregnancy just magically goes away. Unfortunately it's not quite that easy. She may find it physically difficult. She may regret it. and so forth.

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Because he would only choose abortion himself if the fetus had an extreme medical condition. The OP reads to me like he would not choose that option for himself. If it is not something that he is personally willing to do, then he is not pro-choice.

 

I feel that if you are pro-whatever, it would be something that you yourself are willing to do, if in that situation.

 

It's one thing to say that you are ok with other people having the choice, but another to actually have to do it yourself.

 

From the info that the OP gave about John, I can't seem him making the choice of abortion for a baby that he has fathered.

 

Either way, it needs to be a decision that they make together.

 

 

I don't think you understand what it means to be pro-choice. Key word: choice. I'm pro people chooseing to join the military, but never would myself. Pro people carrying a gun, but don't have one. Pro lots of things that I will never do myself. It is entirely possible for someone to believe that a woman should have this choice while also knowing that they personally eould never make it. (and I am not pro-choice when it comes to abortion.)

 

To the original topic, I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already. I don't envy the op's position. I pray you are able to be a good sounding board and offer good councel and love. She sounds like an intellegent woman. I'm sure she'll realize these truths herself when the emotions calm down and she is able to look at it honestly.

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I've been thinking about this situation a lot. OP, do you or she know anyone who has chosen abortion? She could ask about the process, but also about how it impacted that woman's relationships (with her partner, family, etc). It can be helpful to get the perspective of someone who has been where you are and made the choice you are considering.

 

Does she see the potential for good in continuing the pregnancy? So often in a hard situation, we focus only on the negative and try to eliminate it. But changing our perspective can help us make a better decision. It's like a pro/con list.

 

If she and her husband decide to continue the pregnancy, I would suggest being very positive when telling other people. Begin with "We're really excited to tell you we're going to have a baby!" Don't mention the difficulties right away. There is plenty of time to discuss with loved ones her fears. Announcing that you're happy usually heads off immediate negativity, because we tend to reflect the emotions we see. Not that her in-laws won't bring up the hard things; they may. But hopefully they will not lead with that!

 

You're a good friend for standing by her. It's tough when a friend makes a decision you disagree with. But no matter what she chooses, she will need a person like you to support her.

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I think the point you already brought up cannot be overstated. That is a huge secret, very difficult to keep forever, and he would undoubtably feel betrayed if/when he finds out. That could very well ruin their marriage.

 

I hope she realizes that even if this is something she wants to do, it would still be very emotional and she may need his understanding. Not being able to reach out to him would probably be very painful.

 

I think the guilt of making this decision without him and the very real betrayal if/when her husband finds out would be more devastating than a badly timed pregnancy. I don't know all of their financials, but why would he have to give up grad school? Even if she cuts back on her income, it seems to me that they could make it. He may be able to get more financial aid next year if his family is bigger.

 

I am biased because I had my oldest when I was in high school. I went to college and got my degree, and my dd is no worse for wear.

 

I think your friend is reacting to the unknown. I would help her explore different ways this would work so she at least won't be uninformed when she makes the decision.

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

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:confused:

 

:confused: being pro-choice means that you don't believe abortion should be illegal. I have friends who actually believe abortion is wrong for any reason, they would never do it, and they would never advise anyone to do it. Yet they are pro-choice because they don't believe it is something that should be legislated.

 

:iagree:I can't think of a reason I personally would have an abortion, nor would I counsel a friend or my daughter towards one. But I also don't assume I can possibly understand everyone's circumstances. My friends and daughter have supportive family and privileges that many people don't enjoy. It's just something I don't feel should be legislated by the government (among other highly personal medical choices).

 

I live in a liberal area that is generally pro-choice. I don't know anyone who is "pro-abortion". :confused:

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To terminate or not is not the issue. The secret from her dh is the issue.

 

That is a whopper of a secret. It is one that can ultimately destroy her and her marriage. As her friend I would encourage her to tell her dh so they can make a decision together.

 

Including you in on such a secret can and probably will be detrimental to your friendship.

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I am pretty outspoken against abortion for almost all reasons, but particularly for a matter of convenience.

 

I am an adoptee and I have adopted, so this is close and personal to me.

 

Most people would not come to ME for advice on this issue because they know where I stand. However, I would never be ok with it and I would say so.

 

She has put you in a horrible position.

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I think it is a huge mistake for one person to assume something will lead to disaster or be a bad idea for x, y, and z reasons without consulting someone else. For example, she may think he wants to go to grad school or whatever, and he may think having a child is worth sacrificing for. It is presumptuous of her to think she understands everything her husband thinks. He may not feel the way she "knows" he would feel. And that includes if he ever finds out she had an abortion without telling him. I would think this could be a devastating blow. He might, on the contrary, be perfectly delighted and find ways to bring things together. Medicaid usage during pregnancy, for example, does not have to be so humiliating that one would rather abort than seek those services. It's actually very common, and some of that is because so many health care plans don't cover much or anything during pregnancy / birth.

 

 

:iagree: From the OP it sounds like she knows her husband wouldn't choose abortion and so she's making the decision for him. I can't imagine taking away that choice from my husband. She thinks she knows what's best for him and just does it? Can you imagine doing that in any other situation with your husband? I know you would like chocolate milk, but I'm going to give you strawberry because I think you'd like it better? If that would be irritating, trying to imagine a scenario where it would be ok to end the life of a man's child because you think he'd be happier - Holy guacamole - I can't imagine.

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I haven't read all of the posts. I don't think she'd be able to keep the secret. I fthey ever did have a baby in the future her husband would probably find out. The OB always asks what pregnancy this is and how many live births. If her DH was with her for appointments he'd find out. If he wasn't with her for appointments then he would find out when they went to the hospital for the birth. It's almost impossible to avoid.

 

Besides that how would she hide the fact that she had a medical procedure from him?

 

Just not a good idea to try to keep secrets like this.

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I had my eldest as a 19 yo. In an abusive relationship.

 

I had Diva as a single mom of 1 already, at 25. Genetic donor headed for the hills rather than be a parent.

 

Both situations were less than perfect. Terrifying comes to mind.

 

I went to college as a single mom when my eldest was a toddler, when I was 21. If I could manage it on my own, her dh could absolutely manage it w/all the family support he has.

 

Having children, esp your first, is a daunting experience. Your entire life is going to change.

 

For me, personally, my life changed so dramatically for the better...I can't imagine any other way.

 

There's no way in hades that a decision like this should be made in secret, w/out her dh's knowledge. It's pretty much a guarantee that it WILL come out one day, and the lying and deception involved will almost certainly end her marriage.

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Sorry, I don't have time to read through the entire thread, so maybe someone has already said this.

 

To me, this sounds like a situation where she is choosing a permanent solution for a temporary problem. They will not always be in this financial situation, but if she aborts, their child will always be gone. I think there is more possiblity of regret if she chooses to abort than if she continues with the pregnancy.

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I should also add that Boo was unexpected. And, w/RSD, knowing I would be off all pain management meds, etc, it was frightening. Wolf was terrified, not wanting to witness his wife in extreme pain until the baby was born...and then what would the aftermath be?

 

So, I can totally relate to a pregnancy being a frightening thing.

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She must accept that this is not a secret that will quietly settle. It will be part of her medical history and her husband will find out. It may not happen for some time, but it will happen.

 

Though I am pro-choice, I don't believe she has the right to make a decision about their pregnancy in secrecy. It is such a deception and betrayal.

 

And I can't believe she put you in this position. That alone would place a new light upon her character for me.

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I agree with all of this. I would absolutely risk losing the friendship over this. To be completely honest, I could not be friends with someone who was so dishonorable to her marriage anyway. :(

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

The woman referenced is not trying to dishonor her marriage; she is trying to SAVE it.

 

I agree that ultimately, it could be a destroyer. But "you" can't be a good friend to this person without realizing that the reason she's considering an abortion is because she is *certain* a pregnancy and baby will destroy it.

 

(I don't agree with the choice to not talk to the husband, but being a friend to her at this moment means understanding her thought process comes from wanting to prevent problems)

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I would have said just what you said. The secret would be a horrible burden to carry and if it was found out would cause a lot of trust issues in their marriage that they may never be able to recover from. They made the baby together so they should make any decisions about it together. Marriage shouldn't be about keeping secrets. I commend you for being a good listener for your friend.

 

:iagree: I only read the first and last pages but agree with everything I saw. Abortion isn't something ive personally been through but I've read enough personal testimonies to know that it is often an emotionally wrenching experience. If that's what she does, she's going to need her husband's support. I understand that it's her body, her choice, but in a marriage especially, it's much more complicated than that.

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5. My husband has earned a master's degree in one year while we had five kids, one of whom was a newborn. Earning a master's degree is certainly doable with children underfoot.

 

6. They need to learn that life is full of curve balls. Life will not always go as they planned. They have to learn to deal with what they've been handed, not try to manipulate circumstances to fit their ideal. Such is life.

 

True that. I got my Master's with 3 kids, and 2 additional jobs.

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Maybe she confided in you because she wants you to help her view her doubts more objectively.

 

Many times, a scared person declares an intention that she wants to be talked out of.

 

If she'd said "I'm going to kill myself," would you say, "honey, I will support you no matter what you do, do you need me to help you get the drugs?"

 

As others have said, this will be nearly impossible to keep from her husband. Can she think through the repercussions of doing it and getting found out later? That's just as important as the repercussions of carrying the child to term.

 

I see a lot of half-thought-through in this woman's life so far. Pregnancy almost always means that neither spouse was as careful as they could have been to prevent it. That means they weren't 100% against becoming parents at that time. Also, for a woman to decide that she has the sole right to a decision on abortion, she should have discussed that with her husband long ago. He would either agree or disagree. Sounds like she knows he'd disagree. So now she's willing to disrespect her wedding vows. Did she not really mean it when she agreed to go through life together with him? I can't think of too many things more jointly significant than the fate of a being created by the DNA of both.

 

So now she's pregnant and it's time to grow up, one way or the other. It's time to do the hard things that adults do, such as face reality honestly and honor promises no matter what.

 

It would be very hard for me to maintain a friendship with someone who would treat her husband this way.

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I would try to help her see how unfair, disrespectful, and short-sighted it would be to make a major decision without telling her husband and try to keep it a secret from him indefinitely, which would be almost impossible. Her emotions and fear are clouding her judgment.

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:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

The woman referenced is not trying to dishonor her marriage; she is trying to SAVE it.

 

I agree that ultimately, it could be a destroyer. But "you" can't be a good friend to this person without realizing that the reason she's considering an abortion is because she is *certain* a pregnancy and baby will destroy it.

 

(I don't agree with the choice to not talk to the husband, but being a friend to her at this moment means understanding her thought process comes from wanting to prevent problems)

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

What a difficult situation. When I was young, my mother was in a very similar situation just with an additional child already born. She tried to hide it from me as I was only around 8 yrs old. It wasn't long before I figured it out. I remember feeling so sad. Shortly thereafter the longterm relationship she was in ended. What was the most difficult was watching her cry and go through a severe depression every year around the same time. For all the talk about this being the best decision for us at the time, I watched her suffer for years afterwards.

 

One evening was so distinct. I was getting ready to leave for college and I walked outside for a change of scenery. There was a breathtaking Az sunset. Then I caught site of my mother with tears streaming down her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just remembering ******. She said she had to name her, remember her, this was HER day. I was looking at the stunning sunset, hearing the happy chatter of my younger siblings and faced with the stark reality that for all my mother's words about the rightness of her choice...she would have done anything to go back and undo it.

 

No matter how scary the now is, I am convinced your friend will come to regret this decision. :grouphug:

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I got pregnant when dh and I were both still in college. It was a complete surprise, and I was terrified. I cried when I found out. We were broke, married college students which was fine for us by ourselves, but it didn't seem good enough for a baby. We took some deep breaths then added a baby to our plans. We still both graduated on time, and dh was even able to continue with grad school and earn his masters.

Your friend is scared, but encourage to look past the fear and trust her husband.

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How?

I know for me, they ask about how many pregnancies, how many live births, and what happened in the pregnancies that didn't result in a live birth. They do that at OB appts, as well as when you're admitted to the hospital for L&D. Wolf was present.

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If she'd said "I'm going to kill myself," would you say, "honey, I will support you no matter what you do, do you need me to help you get the drugs?"

 

 

It would be very hard for me to maintain a friendship with someone who would treat her husband this way.

 

Paragraph #1: Non-sequitur and red herring.

 

Paragraph #2: Wow. If you can't agree with the decision, I get that. But failure to see what motivates it? Friendship fail.

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What was the most difficult was watching her cry and go through a severe depression every year around the same time. For all the talk about this being the best decision for us at the time, I watched her suffer for years afterwards.

 

 

This is your experience with one mom, and it obviously was sad for all. However, there have been millions of USian abortions and this is not true of everyone.

 

I interview people about their health every day. I have had people cry over many, many things: drug use, death of a mother, unfaithful husbands, a DUI, divorce, dumped by girlfriends, getting am STD, dying husbands, estranged children, bitter step-children, depression, mean bosses, being fired, female pattern baldness, a war back home, a Tsunami where thousands are killed, but despite being given frank and honest gynecological histories, I've never had anyone cry over that. I don't believe, statistically, an abortion is something that women are terribly ripped up over AND make it the one topic they don't cry about to their doctor.

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Wow. If you can't agree with the decision, I get that. But failure to see what motivates it? Friendship fail.

 

I can live with the failure to be a perfect friend in that particular situation.

 

She should be approaching her husband, not her friends, to have this kind of discussion. Hopefully she will get over her initial shock and do just that. As a good friend would recommend, in my opinion.

 

ETA: And also: just because you're her friend doesn't mean you don't give any weight to the hurt/harm being done to him - whether that is her intention or not.

Edited by SKL
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I know for me, they ask about how many pregnancies, how many live births, and what happened in the pregnancies that didn't result in a live birth. They do that at OB appts, as well as when you're admitted to the hospital for L&D. Wolf was present.

 

You don't have to be truthful, and most people don't go to the doctor with a partner. In my personal experience, past children or abortions are honored as careful secrets from spouses, if you ask. Too many in the medical profession know a woman could face a beating at home if the wrong info is slipped to family. (An early Ab will not show stretch marks nor make the cervix radically different.)

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I know for me, they ask about how many pregnancies, how many live births, and what happened in the pregnancies that didn't result in a live birth. They do that at OB appts, as well as when you're admitted to the hospital for L&D. Wolf was present.

 

:iagree:I remember all that too everytime we went to the hospital to have a baby they asked that with Jack right there.

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You don't have to be truthful, and most people don't go to the doctor with a partner. An early Ab will not show stretch marks nor make the cervix radically different.

 

OK, color me naive, but wouldn't one's husband notice something different about the person he sleeps and has sex with? If they're living in close quarters, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already noticed she missed her period.

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You don't have to be truthful, and most people don't go to the doctor with a partner. In my personal experience, past children or abortions are honored as careful secrets from spouses, if you ask. Too many in the medical profession know a woman could face a beating at home if the wrong info is slipped to family. (An early Ab will not show stretch marks nor make the cervix radically different.)

 

Really? It won't change the cervix much? (Actually curious, not snarky.)

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OK, color me naive, but wouldn't one's husband notice something different about the person he sleeps and has sex with? If they're living in close quarters, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already noticed she missed her period.

 

:lol: I can tell you my husband wouldn't have known (he couldn't even tell me if his ex used pads or 'pons). I can also tell my ex, an MD, wouldn't have noticed. EWWWWWWWWW, girl stuff! He wouldn't have WANTED to notice.

 

But, how does the vulva change in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy? I don't remember any. What about those obese women who show up in the ER in labor completely unaware they were pregnant? Or the teen who gave birth in the bathroom at her prom. Something tells me there wasn't a flashing neon sign between her legs saying: Woah, look what is going on here.

Edited by kalanamak
(Sorry, I do realize this isn't a thread full of levity)
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:lol: I can tell you my husband wouldn't have known (he couldn't even tell me if his ex used pads or 'pons). I can also tell my ex, an MD, wouldn't have noticed. EWWWWWWWWW, girl stuff! He wouldn't have WANTED to notice.

 

But, how does the vulva change in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy? I don't remember any. What about those obese women who show up in the ER in labor completely unaware they were pregnant? Or the teen who gave birth in the bathroom at her prom. Something tells me there wasn't a flashing neon sign between her legs saying: Woah, look what is going on here.

 

An abortion does not show at all, physically or emotionally, immediately after?

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Really? It won't change the cervix much? (Actually curious, not snarky.)

 

Not in a few weeks. Plus, it isn't like hubby is gloved up with a speculum to check to see the color. A change sensed by the end of a penis with other things on its mind? I don't recall one.

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An abortion does not show at all, physically or emotionally, immediately after?

 

Emotionally will have to depend on the person.

Ladies, I had a "trip" planned when I went and got my tubes untied. No one in my family was the wiser. It was much more invasive than an Ab.

 

Maybe I'm just more devious than you'all.

 

And maybe the friend approached the OP trolling for someone to drive her.

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I think the point you already brought up cannot be overstated. That is a huge secret, very difficult to keep forever, and he would undoubtably feel betrayed if/when he finds out. That could very well ruin their marriage.

 

I hope she realizes that even if this is something she wants to do, it would still be very emotional and she may need his understanding. Not being able to reach out to him would probably be very painful.

 

I think the guilt of making this decision without him and the very real betrayal if/when her husband finds out would be more devastating than a badly timed pregnancy. I don't know all of their financials, but why would he have to give up grad school? Even if she cuts back on her income, it seems to me that they could make it. He may be able to get more financial aid next year if his family is bigger.

 

I am biased because I had my oldest when I was in high school. I went to college and got my degree, and my dd is no worse for wear.

 

I think your friend is reacting to the unknown. I would help her explore different ways this would work so she at least won't be uninformed when she makes the decision.

 

I completely agree. I also had my oldest dd in high school. Really, it helps with college financial aid. There ARE options. I am pro-choice, but there are too many psychological and health related risks to keep this secret. At the very least, the husband needs told.

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Ladies, I had a "trip" planned when I went and got my tubes untied. No one in my family was the wiser. It was much more invasive than an Ab.

 

Maybe I'm just more devious than you'all.

 

 

If I understood correctly, this woman is a full-time breadwinner with no savings and she lives in her in-laws' basement. I'm thinking a "getaway" isn't in the cards.

 

I really think we have to go on the assumption that this is very likely to be discovered by the husband. That's what I'd be telling my friend, anyway.

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If I understood correctly, this woman is a full-time breadwinner with no savings and she lives in her in-laws' basement. I'm thinking a "getaway" isn't in the cards.

 

I really think we have to go on the assumption that this is very likely to be discovered by the husband. That's what I'd be telling my friend, anyway.

I agree. And I had a friend who did an early termination and she had to go like 6 weeks without sex and maybe even swimming or something? Idk if that's still relevant, but IMHO that would be fairly obvious to the partner!

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Sorry, did not take time to read the other replies beyond page one. I'm pro-life, just so that's clear. What would I do in this situation? I'd pray. She appears to have already made up her mind and has all the justifications worked out in her heart and mind. I can't imagine anything I could say would have the least affect on her.

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I didn't get the impression that she was afraid of loosing her marriage over the pregnancy, just the plans they had for the future. She's not trying to save her marriage, she's trying to make a decision about their future without including her husband in the decision. Yes, a friend need to have compassion and understanding, but a friend also needs to gently speak up when she sees her friend making a potentially harmful decision. Whether the truth comes out at the drs, or he figures it out or whatever, Even if he lives his entire life nevr having known, she still knows and will have to live with that and she's still making a huge decision about his future without including him.

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Not in a few weeks. Plus, it isn't like hubby is gloved up with a speculum to check to see the color. A change sensed by the end of a penis with other things on its mind? I don't recall one.

 

I wasn't thinking her hubby would notice. You implied a doctor wouldn't notice, if, for example, she lied about having been pregnant. I was just curious. Do you have any evidence of that? Your previous post indicated you are a health care provider.

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