My friend wants to have an abortion. WWYD?

[Skadi]

One of best friends just found out that she's pregnant, and she's considering having an abortion without her husband's knowledge. Before I go into the details, let me clarify that she, her DH, and I are all pro-choice. I respect and understand the pro-life position, but since no one involved in this situation is pro-life, asserting that perspective won't be particularly helpful. "It's unwise for her to do this" = helpful, "Consider the human life being ended" = not helpful. I'm just really hoping this doesn't turn into an abortion debate.

 

I'll call them Jane and John. John is pro-choice but he has said in the past that he'd only consider abortion if the fetus was diagnosed with some sort of extreme medical condition. He doesn't see anything wrong with abortion, but it's not something he'd choose for himself, if that makes sense. Jane believes that pregnancy is a very personal thing,that giving birth always carries a certain risk for the mother and that it should be up to the woman whether to end a pregnancy. They have no children. John doesn't know she's pregnant.

 

Finances are the main reason she's considering this. John's business went bust last year, and he's trying to go back to school. (if he gets into this program, he gets a free education and $20k per year from teaching until graduation.) He works part time for his parents. He just received news he didn't get in this fall, so he's going to apply again next year while trying to beef up his application. Jane works for just above minimum wage. They've had to move into the basement of his parents' house to make ends meet. She has no insurance (though she says she's aware that with their low income, she'd be eligible for Medicaid).

 

If they have a baby, John's dreams of grad school will probably never materialize. His parents would be very upset, in part because it would supersede John's career plans and in part because they'd feel as if they have to help support them.

 

Jane told me that she's thinking about having an early term abortion because of this. She knows her husband wouldn't approve, but ultimately it's her decision and she says it would save a lot of heartache.

 

I'm not sure what to say to her. I have reminded her that if she does this, it's a secret she'll have to keep from her DH forever, and that's a huge burden. Deceiving him could be potentially worse for their relationship than an unplanned baby. But I feel for the position she's in. I'd like to hear your thoughts. :bigear:

Edited May 19, 2012 by Skadi

[Runningmom80]

I'm also pro choice.

 

 

I agree with you, that keeping a secret like that is not good for a marriage. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I need to think about what I would say. I'd probably encourage her to at least tell her husband, but still try o be supportive if she decided not to.

 

 

 

It's a really tough spot to be in. :grouphug:

[datgh]

I would have said just what you said. The secret would be a horrible burden to carry and if it was found out would cause a lot of trust issues in their marriage that they may never be able to recover from. They made the baby together so they should make any decisions about it together. Marriage shouldn't be about keeping secrets. I commend you for being a good listener for your friend.

[Kertie]

I feel that making that decision without her husband's knowledge or consent is demeaning to their marriage and to her husband both as a person deserving of respect and as the baby's father. That burden would be far greater than an unplanned baby. Grad school would still be possible.

 

Full disclosure: pro-life here. :D

[ondreeuh]

I think the point you already brought up cannot be overstated. That is a huge secret, very difficult to keep forever, and he would undoubtably feel betrayed if/when he finds out. That could very well ruin their marriage.

 

I hope she realizes that even if this is something she wants to do, it would still be very emotional and she may need his understanding. Not being able to reach out to him would probably be very painful.

 

I think the guilt of making this decision without him and the very real betrayal if/when her husband finds out would be more devastating than a badly timed pregnancy. I don't know all of their financials, but why would he have to give up grad school? Even if she cuts back on her income, it seems to me that they could make it. He may be able to get more financial aid next year if his family is bigger.

 

I am biased because I had my oldest when I was in high school. I went to college and got my degree, and my dd is no worse for wear.

 

I think your friend is reacting to the unknown. I would help her explore different ways this would work so she at least won't be uninformed when she makes the decision.

[3browneyedboys4me]

In all fairness, I'm Prolife. So, I just want to disclose that.

 

These are my thoughts.

 

1. Abortions, like pregnancies, are not without risk. She needs to understand that she could have problems or complications that she would need to explain/deal with.

 

2. Deception is completely wrong in a marriage. Period. I can't think of any good reason for her not to tell her husband. If he is pro-choice (to a degree it sounds), he should be open to her thoughts and concerns about the pregnancy.

 

3. This is NOT just her decision. Because of #1, she needs to let her husband know. If she has the procedure and has complications, what will she do? It's just too risky.

 

HTH!:grouphug:

[valkett]

The decision should definitely be made together. Not a good foundation for a marriage when you keep something like that from your partner. And no matter what, it would come out at some point and I'm sure he would feel betrayed.

 

Also, as far as grad school... it's not off the table with a baby. When my dh and I married, he was in the AF and did not have a degree. He managed to get his bachelor's and master's degrees in computer science and all the coursework towards a PhD during the same time we had three children. It all depends on what you and your spouse deem is important. For us, it just made sense for my dh to pursue his degrees because he was going to be the one supporting the family for a while. Not saying it's not hard, but it is definitely doable if you feel it will benefit the family in the long run.

 

Val

[liber]

I had my first baby when dh and I were both undergrads. We both continued with school. Dh went on to get a phd and I stayed at home after I finished my degree. By the time he finished his phd we had three kids. grad school is possible. dh's parents still helped us financially. considering that your friends schooling will be paid for i would think it would be easier to bring a baby into that situation.

 

I do think she should tell him. \i don't think keeping secrets is good for a marriage

[kalanamak]

 

3. This is NOT just her decision.

 

:iagree: However, I think in the end she has the final say. Personally, I would tell him, go ahead if that is what I wanted even if he didn't, and be prepared to accept the consequences, like him finding another wife. Honesty is the best policy, even if you spouse leaves you over it. I think.

 

Tough spot.

[Halcyon]

Prochoice here. I think she needs to tell her dh. But ultimately, it is her decision.

[elegantlion]

Financial situations can change. Do they have other children? Dh and I were uninsured, just above broke when ds was born. Finances are a lousy reason to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy.

 

I was blown away by the outpouring of love and support our son received upon his birth. Dh and I were not "kid people". If people showed their kids pictures at work, I showed pictures of my dogs.

 

If she chooses to make this decision she is creating a lot of burden on herself. Why can't he go to school after the baby is born? Many parents make it work. Parents will do crazy things for grandchildren that they might not do for their children.

 

I also believe this is marriage issue. These are the kinds of decisions you make together in a marriage. It is not hers to make alone.

 

I also think she is seeing this from a position of fear of the unknown. We all have that to a certain degree. We all fear taking steps into lives we never thought.

 

I'll be honest, dh and I didn't have kids on the planned list. It happened and we are the better for it. My life is very enriched by this little human we helped create. Dh and I are both astonished how we feel about it. We didn't/don't crave more children and we are a family of three and just fine with it.

 

I would sit down and ask her to list out her fears, because they are fears, not set in stone realities. Talk her through those, use your life experience. Being pro-choice does not mean you have to chose that option, that is why it is called choice.

 

The biggest thing that sticks out to me is she is operating in fear. That is not a good place to make wise decision in any area of your life.

 

Okay this is kind of got me wound up, because I understand. I never felt that protective mommy instinct until my son was born. I still don't get excited around groups of children, I didn't turn into a soccer mom. But I am fiercely protective of MY child.

 

So many people allow children to change who they are. I have a friend who is afraid of becoming a parent because of their lifestyle. The older I get the more I'd suggest living your life and blending the child into that. Parenting doesn't have to be the time you buy the house in the suburbs and drive a mini-van.

 

Okay, I'll stop. I hope she is able to see this from more than the perspective she is currently using.

[Starr]

Talk, talk, talk. Pray, pray, pray. Keep talking about all the things mentioned above. It could be a long term decision for a short term complication. As difficult as it seems now a baby doesn't have to stop all their life plans. It's also unfair to you to keep such a secret. I'm so sorry. :( :grouphug:

[Skadi]

Thank you all for the responses so far! It's been difficult for me to put some of this into words. I'm obviously leaning toward the No Abortion option...I'm wondering if anyone will chime in who thinks she should do it and not tell her DH? I'd like to hear all sides, fwiw, before I talk with her again.

 

About grad school, you are very right that he could still do it. But Jane doesn't believe he would choose to pursue it, because he'd want more immediate, and higher, income to support his family by going into a different career. Knowing him, I'm inclined to agree. Though who's o say there's anything wrong with that? I guess she feels like she wouldn't be able to convince him not to give up on his dream job.

Edited May 19, 2012 by Skadi

[Mynyel]

I agree with the other posters. This isn't something you can keep from dh, ever. By wanting to do it on the sly she is (basically) saying he has no say in what happens at all. That isn't a marriage.

 

She needs to discuss it with her dh. Let him decide what he wants to do and then they can come to an accord.

 

For the record school is possible with a child. Why would she think it isn't? My dh didn't start college until after TWO kids were born, and he had graduated with a bachelors. My dh's brother got a Masters while his wife (my SIL) was pregnant and had the baby. It is possible and doesn't need to be a factor!

 

I say again... she needs to tell her dh. It wouldn't be right (or fair) otherwise.

[SpecialClassical]

In a marriage we need to be able to trust our spouse with the very hardest situations of life. It would be incredibly unfair of her to make this decision without him out of fear of his reaction. She loved him enough to marry him and loving him enough to share this situation will only make their bond grow if he is a good person. Right now she is seeing things only one way. Perhaps he would see things differently and that would make her feel better about the pregnancy. Perhaps he would have insight into the situation that would touch her deeply and reaffirm her decision to trust him with her heart.

 

P.S. I was pregnant with my daughter when I graduated from college. My husband and I had so little! I wasn't sure what my mom would say. She was more of a feminist than I and probably wanted me to immediately pursue a career. You know what she said? "If you wait until you can afford children, you'll never have them." My girl is graduating from high school next week and I wouldn't trade her for a graduate degree or a high powered career. AND having my daughter is what propelled my husband back to college! Being responsible for a little person can really motivate a person.

Edited May 19, 2012 by Jvander

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Pro choice here.

 

She could have comPlications from any procedure, including an allergic reaction if she were to choose the pill over surgical. Who would be her emergency contact? How would she explain the bleeding and need to take things easy for a while?

 

Prior pregnancies that ended/were ended could be relavent when they do decide to have kids.

 

I could never imagine carrying that secret.

[cdrumm4448]

It is not just her decision. She needs to tell him and accept whatever the consequences are regarding whatever decision is made.

 

I am pro-life.

[kalanamak]

I guess she feels like she wouldn't be able to convince him not to give up on his dream job.

 

How old are these people?

[Mynyel]

Financial situations can change. Do they have other children? Dh and I were uninsured, just above broke when ds was born. Finances are a lousy reason to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy.

 

I was blown away by the outpouring of love and support our son received upon his birth. Dh and I were not "kid people". If people showed their kids pictures at work, I showed pictures of my dogs.

 

If she chooses to make this decision she is creating a lot of burden on herself. Why can't he go to school after the baby is born? Many parents make it work. Parents will do crazy things for grandchildren that they might not do for their children.

 

I also believe this is marriage issue. These are the kinds of decisions you make together in a marriage. It is not hers to make alone.

 

I also think she is seeing this from a position of fear of the unknown. We all have that to a certain degree. We all fear taking steps into lives we never thought.

 

I'll be honest, dh and I didn't have kids on the planned list. It happened and we are the better for it. My life is very enriched by this little human we helped create. Dh and I are both astonished how we feel about it. We didn't/don't crave more children and we are a family of three and just fine with it.

 

I would sit down and ask her to list out her fears, because they are fears, not set in stone realities. Talk her through those, use your life experience. Being pro-choice does not mean you have to chose that option, that is why it is called choice.

 

The biggest thing that sticks out to me is she is operating in fear. That is not a good place to make wise decision in any area of your life.

 

Okay this is kind of got me wound up, because I understand. I never felt that protective mommy instinct until my son was born. I still don't get excited around groups of children, I didn't turn into a soccer mom. But I am fiercely protective of MY child.

 

So many people allow children to change who they are. I have a friend who is afraid of becoming a parent because of their lifestyle. The older I get the more I'd suggest living your life and blending the child into that. Parenting doesn't have to be the time you buy the house in the suburbs and drive a mini-van.

 

Okay, I'll stop. I hope she is able to see this from more than the perspective she is currently using.

 

Lovely heart felt post... OP Maybe you should print out this thread and let her see it. :)

[Lab1]

A choice of this magnitude should not be taken lightly or by herself! They are in a tough spot, but I don't think an abortion is the answer. They can meet all their educational goals with a baby! We did with 2! By being low income and him in school, there are many options they have. Yes, it takes creative finances. My DH doesn't understand how I did it, but we did just fine. I learned to sew cloth diapers and breastfed. Baby clothes were gifted to me or I made them. The only expensive item you need is a carseat and lots of health departments will give you one and install it for you!

 

I think it would be a choice that could ruin her marriage. How could you trust your spouse if they made a life altering choice without you? They made that baby together! It may feel like the end of the world now, but how will it look in 3 yrs?

 

It also looks good for a student to have children. They are seen as serious students as they have dependents to care for. More scolarship oportunities might be opened to them as well!

[Starr]

She didn't do this alone. He gets to make decisions about his job in light of the circumstances. It might be worth it to him. Once he finds out about this he might get his dream job but I'd guess it would end the marriage.

[LaxMom]

I feel that making that decision without her husband's knowledge or consent is demeaning to their marriage and to her husband both as a person deserving of respect and as the baby's father. That burden would be far greater than an unplanned baby. Grad school would still be possible.

 

Full disclosure: pro-life here. :D

 

Pro-choice here, and I agree completely with the above. Ultimately, I respect the choice is hers, but deceiving one's spouse is never, ever ok. As I often remind my children: if you have to sneak, you are doing something wrong.

[Skadi]

How old are these people?

 

She's 25, he's...29 I think.

[JennyD]

That is a huge secret, very difficult to keep forever, and he would undoubtably feel betrayed if/when he finds out. .

 

:iagree: Plus, while I have no doubt that you (OP) are completely trustworthy, the secret is out there now.

 

She has to talk this over with him. It is entirely possible that now that the situation is real rather than theoretical, he will agree with her about what to do. Or, not, in which case they will have to figure it out together. But she has to talk to him.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Pro-life here but agreeing with kalanamak that honesty is the only option, even if that means the end of something. And it might; something might end. The pregnancy might end, or the grad school dream might end, or the marriage might end. But honesty means that the changes are not compounded by lies, and that is worth so much. It can make all the difference.

 

And I also agree with Paula. Your friend is so afraid. The one thing I can think of that you can do is to help her breathe deeply and remember that she has time to think about this. She really does. She has time to consider all the possible bends in the road and assess what she can really handle. She has time to imagine her life being different than she thought.

 

She mustn't do things of great finality quickly while leaving the pondering for when she can't go back. Ponder first, even when it hurts.

 

(Is everyone else reading this thread crying, too?)

[Scarlett]

I believe abortion is murder.

 

Beyond that I believe secrets are poison.

 

I don't think anyone would ever confide to me that she was considering an abortion unless she REALLY wanted to be talked out of it.

 

So I am not the one to offer advice. I worked with a girl once who was about to have her 5th abortion...we showed her all sorts of ads for people desperately wanting to adopt a newborn....she said, 'oh I could never give away my baby.' She had the abortion....I am haunted by that.

 

And although her dh 'thinks' he is pro-choice' he may feel very differently when it is HIS child.

[mommaduck]

I am anti-abortion, but this matter extends beyond just the abortion issue. I would start with the marriage and communication issue. I'm sorry, but you don't hide things (especially of this magnitude) from your spouse. Even if she believes it's personal, it's personal for him as well. She's not the only pending parent here.

[VeganCupcake]

Absolutely she should not do this secretly. I can't say whether she should have an abortion or not--that is for the two of them to decide together. How heartbreaking to think of her doing this alone, not just for their marriage and trust, but also for them individually. If the baby had been conceived in a short-term relationship that had ended, I can see not telling the father, but one's spouse . . . . That breaks my heart.

 

My DH's brother is in med school and his wife just had their second baby. It is not easy for BIL or SIL, but they are managing. While I am glad my DH is not in school, families certainly survive it.

[J-rap]

I definitely agree with what everyone else is saying.

 

I would try and help her realize that she is trying to imagine what her husband would think...but she may be wrong in her conclusion. Ultimately, this may be the happiest thing that would ever happen to him, even far more important than grad school.

 

Also, she is thinking she has only two options: keep the baby and forego grad school, or abort the baby and go through with grad school. In reality, there are probably many options. My husband and I had two children while he was in law school.

 

I would strongly encourage her to discuss this with her husband. It is not fair for her to "guess" his thoughts in such an important matter, and will eat away at her. What if she has the abortion, and down the road, her husband decides not to go to grad school. How will she feel then?

 

And fyi, I am conservatively pro-choice.

[Liz CA]

If your friend is concerned about the medical risks bearing a child, she needs to know the medical risks of having an abortion as well.

[Heidi]

I admittedly DON'T feel the position she is in. At all.

 

So she doesn't want to have the baby because she is so concerned about his career that she would suffer with this secret forever so he can fulfill his dreams? The risks of motherhood? BALONEY. Its ALL about her. I am dumbfounded at her level of selfishness.

 

First of all, normal, healthy married people don't keep secrets of that magnatude from each other. At least not in my world. No, its not solely HER decision; she doens't live in a bubble. Even if it were ultimately her decision (which it isn't), she should at least run it by him and have his support and input. It's his baby (I mean fetus) too, and he is her husband... you know "two become one", unless that doesn't really mean anything to her, which apparently it doesn't.

 

Secondly, Who looks at their new baby girl and thinks, "Gee, I made a wrong decision. I should have aborted her when I had the chance. Now dh won't fulfill his dreams and we really needed the money." Or when you are old and you look back on your life and think... "My biggest regret was bringing my son into the world. He was such a waste of time; I could have been doing better things!" ?????

 

I just don't see how a baby could ever be a regretful thing, no matter what the circumstance. And who aborts without feeling regret or guilt eventually?

 

Maybe you could point out the obvious to her. *Sigh* This probably would fall under "not helpful".

 

It is unwise for her to do this.

[2cents]

Pro-choice here but I feel the burden of not disclosing something this important could erode the relationship over time. I think she should be honest with her dh and BOTH of them need to come to some agreement on how to proceed. Terminations are not without health risk as well and her dh needs to know what is going on for safety sake too. I appreciate that a baby isn't happening at the best time for them but honesty is best for now and for the long term.

[LaxMom]

I wonder... Would she choose to make any other life decisions in secret? Would she quit her job without telling him? That would fall under her prerogative. Would she spend a significant portion of their income? Or does she think he just won't notice this enormous secret, so that makes it ok? Or is it that she thinks he'll disagree, and she's not interested in hearing him or dealing with the fallout if they can't reach a mutual decision?

 

I'm not being snarky. I think these are real questions about how one conducts oneself within a marriage.

[Jen in PA]

I am as pro-choice as they come, but I think that this is an important opening for a conversation they need to have as a couple. What she thinks is best and what he wants may be two very different things -- or not. I hope that she will consult him, and I hope that she will find support no matter what the outcome is.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Skadi]

I admittedly DON'T feel the position she is in. At all.

 

So she doesn't want to have the baby because she is so concerned about his career that she would suffer with this secret forever so he can fulfill his dreams? The risks of motherhood? BALONEY. Its ALL about her. I am dumbfounded at her level of selfishness.

 

First of all, normal, healthy married people don't keep secrets of that magnatude from each other. At least not in my world. No, its not solely HER decision; she doens't live in a bubble. Even if it were ultimately her decision (which it isn't), she should at least run it by him and have his support and input. It's his baby (I mean fetus) too, and he is her husband... you know "two become one", unless that doesn't really mean anything to her, which apparently it doesn't.

 

Secondly, Who looks at their new baby girl and thinks, "Gee, I made a wrong decision. I should have aborted her when I had the chance. Now dh won't fulfill his dreams and we really needed the money." Or when you are old and you look back on your life and think... "My biggest regret was bringing my son into the world. He was such a waste of time; I could have been doing better things!" ?????

 

I just don't see how a baby could ever be a regretful thing, no matter what the circumstance. And who aborts without feeling regret or guilt eventually?

 

Maybe you could point out the obvious to her. *Sigh* This probably would fall under "not helpful".

 

It is unwise for her to do this.

 

Your post is why I was hesitant to ask the Hive for advice. Would you speak this way if she were here? I hope not.

 

It's not that I mind a different point of view. I just dont think the tone or choice of words you used were very kind. And, well, not everyone shares your point of view -- this couple is not Christian, for instance, but you kinda just assumed that. :confused:

[Heidi]

Sorry, you guys are way nicer than I am. I can't relate to considering aborting. It makes me angry. Please ignore my previous rant. You've been given great advice.

[jennsmile]

I would offer to adopt her baby. :001_smile:

 

Really she needs to talk to her dh. I am prolife but even if I wasn't bring a child or not bring a child into the world involves two people. Yes dh leaves much of that decision up to me as I carry the babies but he is also my rock and the guy I run too when I need to cry over the loss of a baby. I can't imagine not having the emotional support of my dh during any pregnancy/miscarriage I have had.

[Heidi]

Your post is why I was hesitant to ask the Hive for advice.

 

It's not that I mind a different point of view. I just dont think the tone or choice of words you used were very kind. And, well, not everyone shares your point of view -- this couple is not Christian, for instance, but you kinda just assumed that. :confused:

I know, sorry! I'll be leaving now. :(

[elegantlion]

Okay here's another thought because I'm wiping away some tears too.

 

What is grad school career for. What is the ultimate goal of having a career in whatever field? Is it the fame and fortune he will win in that job? Is it security in a career and the goal to have a "good life". What is a good life to her? Does that good life involve children? Were they taking steps to prevent a pregnancy and this is an oops? Or were they just playing the odds. Obviously not things you need to answer here, but thoughts I would share.

 

We're reading Aristotle for Everybody right now. He's spent a good deal of time discussing the end reason for a goal.

[Little Nyssa]

Nearly every woman, no matter how pro-life, when she gets pregnant, thinks and considers whether this is really what she wants to do. That is part of the psychological task of the first trimester, when you are just getting used to the idea of being pregnant. You can reassure her that the worry and fear that she's feeling is a stage that so many of us pass through-- it doesn't necessarily mean that getting the Ab is the thing she wants to do.

 

As for the in-laws, who cares whether they will be disappointed? It's not their decision. And even if they are less than thrilled, they may very likely change their minds when they see their grandbaby.

[Truscifi]

I think you are in a very difficult position as her friend. I 100% agree with PP that she should talk to her dh about this. I don't think she could keep it secret forever, and knowing she did it without talking to him first would be so much worse than choosing to do it even if he disagreed. And even if she could keep it secret, the weight of it would certainly change her and their marriage as much or more than the choice itself.

 

However. That is about what she should do, not what you should do as her friend. As her friend I think the best thing you can do is be a sounding board for her as she works through this, and encourage her to think it through from every angle before she makes a decision.

 

And FTR, I'm pro choice.

[GailV]

Pro choice here.

 

She could have comPlications from any procedure, including an allergic reaction if she were to choose the pill over surgical. Who would be her emergency contact? How would she explain the bleeding and need to take things easy for a while?

 

Prior pregnancies that ended/were ended could be relavent when they do decide to have kids.

 

I could never imagine carrying that secret.

 

:iagree: I honestly am confused as to how she can physically keep this a secret. This isn't a matter of waving a magic wand and having the pregnancy vanish without a trace. Even without complications there will be bleeding and there will be hormones that are out of whack.

[Scarlett]

Your post is why I was hesitant to ask the Hive for advice. Would you speak this way if she were here? I hope not.

 

It's not that I mind a different point of view. I just dont think the tone or choice of words you used were very kind. And, well, not everyone shares your point of view -- this couple is not Christian, for instance, but you kinda just assumed that. :confused:

 

 

 

I didn't really see anything in her post that assumed your friends are Christian. You are right that this issue cannot be discussed the way you want by people who believe abortion is wrong.

 

I think you really only want replies from pro-'choice' people....and even those are telling you your friend is wrong for lying and secret keeping.

[Skadi]

I know, sorry! I'll be leaving now. :(

 

It's okay. I know how heart wrenching this post must be when you truly feel that a human life is at stake. :grouphug:

[3browneyedboys4me]

OP- I do not think you are going to find anyone that thinks that having an abortion without talking to her husband is a good idea. For all the reasons that have been so eloquently pointed out already, it's just NOT a good idea. period.

 

I hope you found some good advice on here to share with her. I think that talking to her husband will really giver her further insight that she needs right now. She is making far too many assumptions about the future.

 

Communication and honesty are always the BEST choice.

[Skadi]

I didn't really see anything in her post that assumed your friends are Christian. You are right that this issue cannot be discussed the way you want by people who believe abortion is wrong.

 

I think you really only want replies from pro-'choice' people....and even those are telling you your friend is wrong for lying and secret keeping.

 

She talked about my friend not taking "two become one," seriously, which is quoting Scripture.

 

There have been several prolife people whose advice I am taking to heart. I'm not sure what you mean

[danybug]

I had my ds when I was an undergrad and I look back on it as such a blessing! Nothing like your little love to put your priorities straight and get you on the fast track to finish school. And financially the baby would definitely help with college financial aid and assistance.

 

Every baby is a blessing, it is not for us to decide the right time. She may be feeling like this baby will mess up their life plans, but I am sure ten (or as we know any number) years down the road she will not be able to imagine what she could have ever thought was more important than this little life.

 

Keeping a secret of this magnitude would destroy their marriage. They should make their decision together and use each other for love, support and planning their future.

 

I will pray that you find words that will help guide her and that she makes the right decision!

[Heatherwith4]

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Edited May 19, 2012 by heatherwith3
Nm

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Sorry, you guys are way nicer than I am. I can't relate to considering aborting. It makes me angry. Please ignore my previous rant. You've been given great advice.

 

We're not pro-life unless we love the mother, too.

 

I don't think Skadi only wants pro-choice advice. I think she wants advice from everyone who's been scared to become a mother, everyone who's had their life turned upside down as a woman, and everyone who cares whether this young woman survives this crisis with a good outlook for her own future.

 

I want Jane to have the baby. I want her to do the adult thing and let motherhood turn her inside out and break her heart and bring her more joy than she ever thought humanly possible. I want her husband to know what it means to live for his child, as well, and to share parenthood with the mother of his child. I believe that's the correct response to the news that a child has been conceived. People have to grow. Babies do, and so do their parents. It's a pretty good system as designed, and not just for Christians or pro-life people.

 

It's not only a matter of what happens to the baby. It's also a matter of what this young woman is learning about herself, and her marriage, and how she approaches the big issues of life. That's why she has to slow down her thinking, and why her friends have to be gentle and loving. She's somebody. She matters, too. She needs help handling this so that she can live with the person she finds herself to actually be for a lifetime, whatever she decides.

[sassenach]

She's afraid. Her first instinct is to fix it as quickly as possible. I think the thing that needs to be stressed is that a secret like this would not go away. She would live with that secret every day, for the rest of her marriage. It would poison her marriage and likely lead her to a place of deep regret. There will be no going back. She will know that she betrayed her husband. That she lied. It will poison the way she thinks about him, the way she thinks about herself. She will never be able to escape it. She needs to be talked down from the fear and into having the conversation with her husband. After that, at least they can face the decision together.

 

Years down the road, when she's older and has lived a little more, she will realize that these unexpected detours happen in life. They're often scary as h3ll, but most of the time they bring you to a place that you don't regret going. When that happens (and it's something that can't be "fixed," like with an abortion), she will deeply grieve any decision made in fear. She will realize that just because you are afraid, doesn't mean you need to escape. That's when the secret will start eating her alive.

 

Honestly, I think you need to do absolutely everything you can do to talk her into telling her husband. I would bring my friendship to the brink if it meant saving my friend from ruining her marriage in this way.