Help me think this through - raising a black child in a white community

[Celia]

I'm really struggling to decide what's best for my dd. We adopted her from Ethiopia when she was a toddler, and have done our best to make sure she gets to have time with other black children, and to expose her to her culture.

 

She's been just begging to go to ps, after being hs'd for most of K, so I thought we'd let her try it out. She's a very social little thing, and I didn't feel like I was able to give her the time and attention at home that she needed due to other circumstances at home this year.

 

But here's the thing... in her school there is only one other black child, and he's in grade 6. Since being there she's become self-conscious of herself, her hair, her skin. The other kids are just plain mean. The two popular girls in her class have made things difficult for her, so she plays with just the boys. A couple older kids come up to her regularly in the playground and tell her she has bad hair. And yet despite all this she is adamant that she wants to go to school again next year. I'm thinking it might go better next year as she won't be coming into a class half-way through, and I may be able to request that she's not put in a class with the two brats that have turned all the girls in her class against her.

 

So I'm trying to decide what to do for her for next year. There is a school that is a bit more multicultural about 20minutes away that I could see if I can get her transferred to. I know that there's about 5 black children in the lower elementary grades there - not sure if any will be in hers. I do know that one of her little friends that goes there has experienced kids being hard on her. As a result, she asked Santa to turn her white for Christmas. She's been told she was adopted because her mother didn't want her because she was ugly. Heartbreaking. I want to protect my dd from this!

 

In all the transracial adoption books I've read, it's been suggested that it's ultimately more beneficial for the child to be in a school that is more diverse, even if the other alternative offers a better education. Perhaps this applies to hs'ing as well?

 

Were this your child, what would you do?

 

1) Keep her in current school (a 5 minute walk from our house), and try and get her in a class without the mean girls, hoping it goes better next year.

 

2) See if I can get her transferred into the school where she will have black friends to play with on the playground. It's about a 30minute round trip to drop off and pick up, so a significant time and gas investment.

 

3) Go against her wishes and homeschool her again in the fall.

 

Thanks for your thoughts... I'm really struggling with this decision!!!

[Pink Fairy]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

 

ETA: What is the school's response to what's happening?

[MeaganS]

I have no idea really, but :grouphug:. That's horrible that the other kids have been so mean.

[Heatherwith4]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

 

ETA: What is the school's response to what's happening?

:iagree:

[Ellie]

Poor baby. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'd homeschool her, and find activities such as dance or sports to let her participate in to assuage her desire for socializing. There are fewer opportunities for bullying in those kinds of activities.

[Mandy in TN]

Not exactly the same, but my dh is Persian and Muslim. We live in an area that is predominantly European-American white and Christian. This is especially true of the homeschool community. One of the reasons we chose the particular Kumon center that we joined was so that ds could see people of other skin colors in a positive environment. Is there a learning center or Brownie troop or something of that nature that your dd could join where there are children with different color skin in an environment where skin color is a non-issue?

 

HTH-

Mandy

[twoxcell]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

:iagree:

[Celia]

So far her school has been useless. I've spoken to her teacher, and he's said he'll keep an eye out for her, next I'm going to try to talk to the moms of the girls in her class (hard - I'm shy!). The girls in her class are sneaky about all this, whispering and whatnot, and my dd isn't one to run and complain.

 

Hs'ing again would be a no-brainer for me, if it wasn't that she really really wants to go to ps.

[Parrothead]

The teasing and mean girls will never go away. At least not until college.

 

I don't think a 5-year old should be able to make education decisions. So I would do what I thought best for her even if it goes against her wishes.

 

What kind of opportunities are there for homeschoolers in your area? Are there co-ops, dance, girl scouts, drama club, gymnastics, etc? I'd see about getting her involved in those kinds of groups before subjecting her to the mean girls again.

[leeannpal]

I could have written your post about the mean girls in the classroom, only my daughter is blond and blue-eyed. Kids will pick on others for any number of reasons. Chances are that there will be mean girls in the other school as well.

 

Out of curiosity, I was wondering why you feel that your daughter needs to be around African-American children? She is originally from Africa and not part of the African-American culture. By all means, celebrate her African heritage, but I don't really see the connection to African-Americans except for skin color and hair type.

[oasis]

The teasing and mean girls will never go away. At least not until college.

 

I don't think a 5-year old should be able to make education decisions. So I would do what I thought best for her even if it goes against her wishes.

 

What kind of opportunities are there for homeschoolers in your area? Are there co-ops, dance, girl scouts, drama club, gymnastics, etc? I'd see about getting her involved in those kinds of groups before subjecting her to the mean girls again.

 

:iagree:

 

My dd8 really, really wanted to go to ps, but the only reason was to make friends. We joined a local homeschool group, and she now has a very close friend. She stopped asking to go to ps.

 

I wouldn't subject your dd to the cruel kids any longer. My dh still has serious hangups from being teased and bullied at ps.

 

:grouphug: I wish you the best!

[Pink Fairy]

That's a tough one. I lean more towards the homeschooling option because I'm kinda partial to it.

 

Thing is, the teasing never really goes away. Kids will find some reason. I was teased for being short and having glasses. I was teased for my hair. I was teased for my clothing. Kids are just mean like that.

 

You would think with all the constant awareness efforts to teach kids to treat each other better it would help, but I'm not so sure.

 

What do you think she wants to do?

 

I don't know, that hasn't been our experience. My kids are involved in a lot of different activities, but they've never been the target of any serious teasing. Annoying people--yes, personality differences--definitely. But not anyone who has been deliberately mean and nasty like what happened to the OP's daughter.

 

ETA: Or are you referring to PS only?

[LillyMama]

So far her school has been useless. I've spoken to her teacher, and he's said he'll keep an eye out for her, next I'm going to try to talk to the moms of the girls in her class (hard - I'm shy!). The girls in her class are sneaky about all this, whispering and whatnot, and my dd isn't one to run and complain.

 

Hs'ing again would be a no-brainer for me, if it wasn't that she really really wants to go to ps.

 

It is really hard to say no to our kids, but I think this might be one of those times you really should.

 

I grew up in a very diverse area, and actually hated being white- too pale, boring hair (,curly hair and cornrows were so popular) and freckles! It's not at all the same, as my TV programs and books all still showed kids just like me. And although kids may have teased me for being "Casper" I wasn't the only white kid by any means. But I have to say I'm still affected. I sing on a praise team at church with our African worship pastor and he once teased me about how white my feet were. Since I now live in a predominantly white area, and he is by far in the minority, he probably didn't think anything of it. But it made me so self-conscious of my feet. I stopped wearing sandals on stage. I know that seems like a silly comparison, but as a 35 year old woman, it just shows that I'm still carrying some after-affects of childhood teasing. I can only imagine if the teasing I received was as hateful as what your daughter is getting.

 

She may just be begging to keep going to school so she can accomplish this. So that she isn't defeated by these hateful girls. I think that speaks volumes to how confident and loved she must feel and you should be proud of that. But I suggest that she just might not be supposed to fight this fight at such a young age.

 

All that to say- whatever you decide, with you there to love on her and encourage her through, she's a very lucky girl.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Can you send her to a different school if she really wants to go? My sister has adopted 3 kids from India, and they go to school in Minnesota. I've seen pictures of their birthday parties with their classmates, and there are my nieces and nephews surrounded by 20 blond haired, blue eyed kids. But the kids treat them nicely, and think they are "cool" because they are different, and not boring like everybody else. :D

 

A different atmosphere might produce different results from the kids.

[SonshineLearner]

I

I grew up in a very diverse area, and actually hated being white- too pale, boring hair (,curly hair and cornrows were so popular) and freckles! It's not at all the same, as my TV programs and books all still showed kids just like me.

 

This is kinda funny to me :) I went to a school where all the kids were black. In my class there was one white boy and me... and all the rest seemed related... (cousins etc... and went to the same church... etc...) This was Public school, but in Texas.

 

I wanted little animal barrettes and braids like them... I wanted to eat grapefruit like an orange... I wanted to play ball... and they told me no :( When I asked why, they answered that I couldn't because I was white :(

 

I would homeschool her, but not say it was because of color. I'd comment that homeschooling it what OUR family does because it's best for US :) I'd also make sure to hang some beautiful art of black people around... Really... study Africa if you want :) Share how wonderful color diversity is... in a natural and "God makes people different" but the same.... way :)

[Unicorn.]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

 

?

 

:iagree: Homeschool her. If you are homeschooling your other dc, then why would you not hs her? The comment that your friend's dd heard (your mom gave you up because you're different/ugly) makes me think that if your dd heard that, and then realized you weren't homeschooling her, even though it was her idea to go to school, that you might not really want her either. I hope that made sense. I would think being at home, w/ people who love and accept her, would be in her best interest. I disagree w/ the study that said they should go to a lesser academic school in favor of more diversity.

 

Surround her w/ people who see her as a person. Not a black person. Just a person. My dc don't see people as black, white, brown, or in between. They just see people.

[MamaT]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

 

:iagree: I have black daughters in the same type of area as you seem to live in.

Keep her home!!! Find ways for her to socialize with a diverse group even if you have to go out of your way. We ended up going to a church that is very diverse with many adoptive families, even though we have to drive 45 minutes each way. My girls have made wonderful friends there.

[Celia]

I could have written your post about the mean girls in the classroom, only my daughter is blond and blue-eyed. Kids will pick on others for any number of reasons. Chances are that there will be mean girls in the other school as well.

 

Out of curiosity, I was wondering why you feel that your daughter needs to be around African-American children? She is originally from Africa and not part of the African-American culture. By all means, celebrate her African heritage, but I don't really see the connection to African-Americans except for skin color and hair type.

 

Well, we're in Canada, so it's not African American kids that I try to get her together with, it's other transracially adoptive families, specifically with kids from Ethiopia. But, sharing similarities like hair and skin colour is important, regardless. I don't try to make a big issue out of it, but she definately notices that she's different (strangers on the street commenting, trying to touch her hair, stuff like that), and it's healthy for her to make connections. She makes this clear to me in a number of ways, pointing out black people in the supermarket (look mommy, he's brown like me!), and she loves to go to the black hair salon, where she's named all the people inside (mostly Jamaican) after her.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm going to take this down shortly, but here is my sister's middle child with her class. They all make her feel good about herself and love her. It can happen at a school. If you really don't want to homeschool, find an environment that is warm and welcoming for your daughter.

Edited May 11, 2012 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[Loudwater School]

I would keep her home against her wishes. Six is too young to make a decision like that and she is clearly being harmed by being in the school.

 

However, I live in a mixed-race community. The kids playing outside are brown, black, Asian and white. Do you have no other opportunities to get your children (it's important for your white kids too) into situations where there are more children of color?

[Kathryn]

Homeschool her in the fall, and make sure she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with nice kids who won't try and rip apart her self worth.

 

ETA: What is the school's response to what's happening?

 

The teasing and mean girls will never go away. At least not until college.

 

I don't think a 5-year old should be able to make education decisions. So I would do what I thought best for her even if it goes against her wishes.

 

What kind of opportunities are there for homeschoolers in your area? Are there co-ops, dance, girl scouts, drama club, gymnastics, etc? I'd see about getting her involved in those kinds of groups before subjecting her to the mean girls again.

 

This is kinda funny to me :) I went to a school where all the kids were black. In my class there was one white boy and me... and all the rest seemed related... (cousins etc... and went to the same church... etc...) This was Public school, but in Texas.

 

I wanted little animal barrettes and braids like them... I wanted to eat grapefruit like an orange... I wanted to play ball... and they told me no :( When I asked why, they answered that I couldn't because I was white :(

 

I would homeschool her, but not say it was because of color. I'd comment that homeschooling it what OUR family does because it's best for US :) I'd also make sure to hang some beautiful art of black people around... Really... study Africa if you want :) Share how wonderful color diversity is... in a natural and "God makes people different" but the same.... way :)

 

:iagree:

 

DH's uncle, the baby of the family by far, ended up zoned for a school in the 1970s where he was one of two white kids. He ended up EXTREMELY racist and hate-filled because of the constant teasing he endured from the black students. It is the nature of children to gang up on those they consider different and weaker and public school offers them ample opportunity to do so, with a large child to adult ratio. The consequences can be devastating. I'd keep her home, because that's what your family does. and I'd celebrate the diversity that she brings to your family. I'd try hard to find opportunities for her to interact with other minority children in the community.

:grouphug:

[stripe]

Whether you hs her or not, she needs to get out of that rotten environment. Please find her a more diverse AND more pleasant bunch of kids to play with, even one nice best friend. Children can just be so awful. It sounds like you are a very loving mother who is trying very hard to help.

[Little Nyssa]

It wouldn't hurt to get some more information...

I would go visit the other school, and ask if you can meet some parents from there, and ask them your specific questions, and see how the decision seems to you then. It might be great for her... or it might be that there is just as much bullying, just about other things than race. But at least you'll have more information to base your decision on. Good luck!

[Denisemomof4]

I tend to think the issues will only be magnified in PS. My youngest is Chinese and she has had her share of questions and meanness right in our homeschool group. One girl asked several times who her REAL mother was, and another told her she wished she'd go back to the orphanage in China. There have been other things, too, but this is over a period of 6 years. Mostly things have been fine.

 

Your daughter will not escape the mean treatment even if she is not in a classroom with those two girls. The worst treatment comes over lunch and recess. Bus rides are horrific.

 

You could give the other school a try. The 30 minute round trip wouldn't be of concern to me at all.

 

dd12 has always been a very social girl. I pulled her out of school half way through second grade and I made sure she was involved with our homeschool group, activities, friends. And she isn't adopted. The socialization part isn't a race/adoption issue, and for social kids, I think the parents need to make every effort to have opportunities for their kids.

 

I do think there is more exposure to bullying at school. I think if you had her well involved outside the home, homeschooling could be an excellent choice for her. She just doesn't know it yet.;)

[LNC]

We live in a nice suburb but very diverse - our street is 50/50. My husband has to commute 40 min. each way but it is worth it for our son's benefit. I know that doesn't directly answer your dilemna. I wouldn't send him to a worse district - I would find a nice and diverse area to live, even if I had to take a financial hit to do it...

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

We live in a nice suburb but very diverse - our street is 50/50. My husband has to commute 40 min. each way but it is worth it for our son's benefit. I know that doesn't directly answer your dilemna. I wouldn't send him to a worse district - I would find a nice and diverse area to live, even if I had to take a financial hit to do it...

 

That might be a solution, too. My neighborhood is extremely diverse. For contrast to my sister's picture, here is a picture of the cub scout den I've been leading. My kids are around lots of different types of people and they don't even really know they are supposed to be different.

 

Deleted photo.

Edited May 11, 2012 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[leeannpal]

Well, we're in Canada, so it's not African American kids that I try to get her together with, it's other transracially adoptive families, specifically with kids from Ethiopia. But, sharing similarities like hair and skin colour is important, regardless. I don't try to make a big issue out of it, but she definately notices that she's different (strangers on the street commenting, trying to touch her hair, stuff like that), and it's healthy for her to make connections. She makes this clear to me in a number of ways, pointing out black people in the supermarket (look mommy, he's brown like me!), and she loves to go to the black hair salon, where she's named all the people inside (mostly Jamaican) after her.

 

She sounds like a sweet girl. I wish the best for her.

[sbgrace]

It doesn't seem school is in her best interest and as a parent of young children, I make decisions in their best interest even if it conflicts with their desires. I would not allow a child that young to choose to be mistreated and hurt. That can have life long effects.

 

That's a lot of driving, hassle, and gas for the more diverse (but not, it sounds like, likely better) school. Why not expend that energy into finding positive and frequent social outlets for her? You could even look into a mother's helper type teenage girl maybe to spend some time one on one time with her in addition to troops, dance or whatever.

[JessReplanted]

I personally feel like public school is a toxic environment for many kids (one of reasons we homeschool), so I would keep her home in a heartbeat.

 

And, I'd find some activities for her to participate in. Between dance on Saturdays, church on Sundays, and home group on Thursday nights, my very social 5 year old seems to be doing ok. ;)

[SKL]

So sad. It is unfortunately inevitable. My kids are also brown-skinned, and so is half of their KG class, but they still have gotten the idea from KG that white skin and blonde hair are the most desireable.

 

While I'm somewhat flailing myself, I currently feel that at this age, we need to remember that kids are concrete thinkers. When they say "I wish I had white skin," it doesn't necessarily go deeper than that. They can still know that they are good and smart and worthy. I'd focus on helping her to learn how to distinguish ignorant comments from meaningful ones, and just keep reinforcing that brown and pinkish-tan are just skin colors, nothing more. And keep reminding her how beautiful she is in your eyes.

 

Personally I would lean toward keeping her in school, even though that is a very imperfect solution. If she wants to go back, she must be getting something from it. I'm not sure that the level of diversity in the school makes a big difference, though I can understand the logic there. Even in majority-dark populations, there is often a sense that lighter skin is superior. And even at home, if the people she looks up to have light skin, she's going to place some value on that. There's not much you can do about it. Just be careful not to give it more weight than it merits.

 

While on one hand I wish I didn't have to deal with this stuff in KG, on the other hand, I'm kind of glad to have started laying the groundwork for when they are older and have even more serious doubts.

 

Good luck!

[alpidarkomama]

We adopted 2 children from Ethiopia in 2008 (and had 2 bio kids too), then moved from a city that was 6% black to one that was 55% black. Best thing we ever did. In our former city, people would over-compliment my ET kids on how beautiful they were and it was kind of weird. Here, no one looks twice at our mixed up family of six. :) I think the more diverse you can make surroundings, the better.

 

I, personally, would homeschool and get the rest wherever I could. Ethical behavior in public schools is, um, lacking...

 

My ET kids are also EXTREMELY social, so we have to keep them busy with lots of playdates, whereas the others are happy to have a friend over once or twice a week.

 

All the best! It's a terrific journey.

[DawnM]

My son is Chinese but that isn't the reason the kids can be mean to him. He has hand and foot deformities and those little brats can really make me mad!

 

We homeschool him and have him in activities with other HS kids who are so nice and don't care about his hands or feet.

 

I just couldn't throw my child to the wolves. If he really wanted to go to school I would find a small private school or a magnet program that would suit him better.

 

Dawn

[Celia]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all your input. I talked with the school I considered transferring her to, and it looks like that's not likely as it's extremely full with a waiting list, so that seems like a no-go. I could request a transfer, but wouldn't find out if she got in until late August, and I don't like that very much!

 

Part of the issue is that her older brother has some learning issues, and plenty of therapy appointments, so I was struggling to find the time for her - she was often being told to go and play, and was getting lonely and bored. I think I'm getting his issues more under control, so hopefully if we go the hs'ing route next year, I will be able to do better. I have suggested to her that we give it another go with hs'ing, and she practically starts to cry. I won't leave the decision up to her, but I think I do need to take her desires into account as I make my decision. This sure isn't an easy one to make!

[Pink Fairy]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all your input. I talked with the school I considered transferring her to, and it looks like that's not likely as it's extremely full with a waiting list, so that seems like a no-go. I could request a transfer, but wouldn't find out if she got in until late August, and I don't like that very much!

 

Part of the issue is that her older brother has some learning issues, and plenty of therapy appointments, so I was struggling to find the time for her - she was often being told to go and play, and was getting lonely and bored. I think I'm getting his issues more under control, so hopefully if we go the hs'ing route next year, I will be able to do better. I have suggested to her that we give it another go with hs'ing, and she practically starts to cry. I won't leave the decision up to her, but I think I do need to take her desires into account as I make my decision. This sure isn't an easy one to make!

 

You sound like a great mom who wants the best for her children, whatever that turns out to be. :grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

She's 6. You get to overrule her. Homeschool her. :001_smile:

 

When they started busing kids around in Detroit in the 70s, I only lasted a few days, and my mom had to pull me out and put me in Catholic school. Being one of the only few *anything* is hard on a kiddo: white kids, black kids, red heads, smart kids, kids with glasses, poor kids, rich kids, etc.

[Murmer]

Have you checked all your resources? In one area I lived there was a transracial play group, where we have a local university whose black student association does a play group every week and hair day quarterly. There may be things like this hidden in your area if not maybe you could start one.

[EthiopianFood]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all your input. I talked with the school I considered transferring her to, and it looks like that's not likely as it's extremely full with a waiting list, so that seems like a no-go. I could request a transfer, but wouldn't find out if she got in until late August, and I don't like that very much!

 

Part of the issue is that her older brother has some learning issues, and plenty of therapy appointments, so I was struggling to find the time for her - she was often being told to go and play, and was getting lonely and bored. I think I'm getting his issues more under control, so hopefully if we go the hs'ing route next year, I will be able to do better. I have suggested to her that we give it another go with hs'ing, and she practically starts to cry. I won't leave the decision up to her, but I think I do need to take her desires into account as I make my decision. This sure isn't an easy one to make!

 

She is probably imagining being lonely and bored again, so of course she doesn't want to do it again, you know? Try and figure out how you can make things different, and get her excited about homeschooling. Can you do a fun curriculum that doesn't take more time than you have, but that she would really enjoy? What about a homeschool play group, or another outside weekly activity she could look forward to? She may be willing to put up with the teasing just so she doesn't have to be put second to her brother, but that doesn't mean she isn't being deeply affected by what she is experiencing. How many years of this will it take before these beliefs and feelings about herself become permanent, and she also stops seeing PS as potential fun? By then, it will be very, very difficult to undo all the damage. :(

[Kathryn]

She is probably imagining being lonely and bored again, so of course she doesn't want to do it again, you know? Try and figure out how you can make things different, and get her excited about homeschooling. Can you do a fun curriculum that doesn't take more time than you have, but that she would really enjoy? What about a homeschool play group, or another outside weekly activity she could look forward to? She may be willing to put up with the teasing just so she doesn't have to be put second to her brother, but that doesn't mean she isn't being deeply affected by what she is experiencing. How many years of this will it take before these beliefs and feelings about herself become permanent, and she also stops seeing PS as potential fun? By then, it will be very, very difficult to undo all the damage. :(

 

:iagree: You have to make time for her a priority too. I understand how tough that is. ODS is autistic and his therapy appointments, behavior problems and education often leave YDS out in the cold. But, I've learned that I need to set aside time for him. I've committed to weekly library storytimes and playgroup activities. I set aside time for him when ODS is supposed to be reading quietly. I make sure that he gets the attention he needs.

[EthiopianFood]

I have to add, you're doing a GREAT job being aware of her racial identity and how that differs from that of a white child being raised by a white mom. I tried to help my niece with this as best I could for YEARS, and it is very, very difficult sometimes. Personally, I think one of the best things you can do is what you are already doing: ask questions from those who might have some experience. I have asked questions on black parenting message boards as well, and have gotten great advice. Although there are some negative people, I have found that most people are just happy you are trying to be aware of racial issues and are trying to deal with them in a positive way. If they don't feel that way, who cares what they think, anyway? ;)

[OrganicAnn]

Have you looked at private schools? I know if varies alot, but in our area the Catholic schools have more kids of various races than some of the other private and even some of the public schools.