What are logical consequences to mouthing off?

[Aura]

Ds 15 is getting bad about throwing insults, especially name-calling, toward his siblings. I'm constantly calling him on it, so now he's trying to disguise it. For instance, instead of saying, "You're stupid," he'll say, "That was a stupid thing to do." :glare:

 

(That's just an example. He usually finds a more creative way to insult rather than use something so obvious as "stupid.")

 

It's not allowed. He knows this, but he's 15 and really pushing his boundaries. I'd like to find a logical consequence to this, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something.

 

Anyone have any ideas?

[Mrs Mungo]

Push-ups.

[coralloyd]

Actually hold his tongue.

A swig of apple cider vinegar.

Do something kind or chore for offended party.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[*********]

My 14yo struggles with this as well. I sometimes think he really is clueless about how his answering back / tone / facial expression comes across. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but never let a smart a-- comment just go by. I'll usually say something like "That was awfully disrespectful. Try again." or if I'm not in a very good mood "Hey! YOU do not talk to ME like THAT!"

 

Do we have the same 14 year old? ;)

 

And I react a lot like you.

 

But, a lot of the time, dss has his little 'jabs' in on his brothers. He's kind of developing a nasty, surly, irritated attitude, which dh and I don't like. A lot of it seems to be coming from his exposure to other public schooled kids (please don't flame me, it's just the experience we're having in our home, I'm not dissing on all public schooled kids). It's that 'I'm so annoyed with my dumb parents/little brothers who know nothing and only live to irritate me' attitude.

 

It's getting old, and dh and I are kinda sick of lecturing about it. We usually flat out tell dss and whatever brother he just insulted that what he said was nasty and not allowed. And then dss acts all 'what's the big deal?', which really irritates me. :tongue_smilie:

 

So I'd love some ideas, too. I usually intervene and redirect the boys to something away from each other as well as talking about it. But dss is getting to where he'll be getting a punishment for his mouth if he can't turn things around.

[EKS]

The logical consequences are that nobody wants to be around him or do nice things for him, and not just the victim feels this way, but the parents too. So if he wants you to do something for him (like provide transportation or whatever) just don't do it. The problem with this approach is that the 15yo may not understand that it is his actions that have caused the consequence and will just think that mom is being mean (I have a 15yo so I feel your pain). But it is the logical consequence because it is what will happen in the real world.

[ktgrok]

Having to say one nice thing to the sibling, for every NOT nice thing said? (we also repeat "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" a lot.)

[BMW]

We've had to talk and talk and talk with one son about this... and it wasn't doing very much good. Until every time he asked me for something (to use my computer... a ride somewhere... ) I said something like, "Nope. You have been rude to your brother and I've kept telling you that we don't talk to each other like that and you have not listened... so, nope." And this went on for months.

 

A couple weeks ago it finally dawned on him that if he acts respectfully around here, he gets things that he wants! He figured it out!!!! Yippeeeee! He's been very nice lately...

[Joanne]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

[CountitallJoy]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

 

:iagree:

[kathymuggle]

:bigear:

 

I actually wish my DD, 13, would direct her snarkiness and underhanded insults at me - because I can deal with it, easily.

 

Instead she direct them to her just turned 9 year old sister. There is an element of picking on the weakest that I don't like. Oh, and when I then call her on it, I am "over-reacting" or "do not know the full situation" or "taking her sisters side."

 

I have lectured her to no ends, but it does not work.

 

I think I will start, at least a little bit, what EKS suggested. I will make it crystal clear that I am not doing xyz (such as getting her a cup of tea) because she is not doing as I asked and laying off her sister.

 

I actually think snarkiness is a bad habit for DD, and a habit she is obviously having trouble breaking on her own, so I am going to help her:tongue_smilie:

[kathymuggle]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

 

oooohhhh....Thanks!

 

OP - thanks for starting this topic.

[Parrothead]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

:iagree:

[Guest submarines]

The logical consequences are that nobody wants to be around him or do nice things for him, and not just the victim feels this way, but the parents too. So if he wants you to do something for him (like provide transportation or whatever) just don't do it. The problem with this approach is that the 15yo may not understand that it is his actions that have caused the consequence and will just think that mom is being mean (I have a 15yo so I feel your pain). But it is the logical consequence because it is what will happen in the real world.

 

Isn't this more of a natural consequence, rather than logical? (Just trying to figure out the difference.)

[Aura]

You guys are great! You've already given me some good ideas.

[Aura]

My 14yo struggles with this as well. I sometimes think he really is clueless about how his answering back / tone / facial expression comes across. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but never let a smart a-- comment just go by. I'll usually say something like "That was awfully disrespectful. Try again." or if I'm not in a very good mood "Hey! YOU do not talk to ME like THAT!"

 

But, a lot of the time, dss has his little 'jabs' in on his brothers. He's kind of developing a nasty, surly, irritated attitude, which dh and I don't like....It's that 'I'm so annoyed with my dumb parents/little brothers who know nothing and only live to irritate me' attitude.

 

It's getting old, and dh and I are kinda sick of lecturing about it. We usually flat out tell dss and whatever brother he just insulted that what he said was nasty and not allowed. And then dss acts all 'what's the big deal?', which really irritates me.:tongue_smilie:

 

Instead she direct them to her just turned 9 year old sister. There is an element of picking on the weakest that I don't like. Oh, and when I then call her on it, I am "over-reacting" or "do not know the full situation" or "taking her sisters side."

 

I have lectured her to no ends, but it does not work.:tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, this is my ds. I'm tired of the attitude and the younger ones are picking up on it, too. :glare: Pointing it out to him isn't working. I really think he doesn't *get it*, but after the umpteen times I've said, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it," and "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," and "That was rude [or not nice]. Try again," I'm begining to think it's become a willful ignorance that needs more than words to push past.

 

I actually think snarkiness is a bad habit for DD, and a habit she is obviously having trouble breaking on her own, so I am going to help her.:tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: This is it exactly!

[Danestress]

Ok. It is aggravating/insulting to members of my household. And when you aggravate and insult members of my household, I feel disinclined to do favors for you or let you use my stuff. So the chances that I, or any one else you know, will let you use my computer/tv after you behave that way is zero. And don't even think about asking for a ride to soccor!

 

 

 

Ds 15 is getting bad about throwing insults, especially name-calling, toward his siblings. I'm constantly calling him on it, so now he's tZrying to disguise it. For instance, instead of saying, "You're stupid," he'll say, "That was a stupid thing to do." :glare:

 

(That's just an example. He usually finds a more creative way to insult rather than use something so obvious as "stupid.")

 

It's not allowed. He knows this, but he's 15 and really pushing his boundaries. I'd like to find a logical consequence to this, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something.

 

Anyone have any ideas?

[ma23peas]

Ds 15 is getting bad about throwing insults, especially name-calling, toward his siblings. I'm constantly calling him on it, so now he's trying to disguise it. For instance, instead of saying, "You're stupid," he'll say, "That was a stupid thing to do." :glare:

 

(That's just an example. He usually finds a more creative way to insult rather than use something so obvious as "stupid.")

 

It's not allowed. He knows this, but he's 15 and really pushing his boundaries. I'd like to find a logical consequence to this, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something.

 

Anyone have any ideas?

 

Aura...honestly, I would be lost if I did not have the scriptures to rely on...I always fall back on..you're not disappointing me you're falling short of honoring our Father...then I take it a step further and say...have you heard me utter those type of phrases (they really say NO when they're trying carefully to recall that one episode at the family gathering where I called a comment stupid! UGH..our own tongues deceive us!!)

 

I then go a step further...I ask them..why...why does it bother you that x does y? This has to be important mom or dad to son time. I would take the time to take the 'accused' out to a mall, get a bite to eat and have some fun...then sit and talk about it. I usually apologize that we don't have time to do such one on one time...that he is so loved...that I understand the testosterone is raging and that I believe that he has it in him to help lead by example...I share how I struggle with that and how much it disappoints me when I fail...but that I never stop trying.

 

Also a good time to let him know he is becoming a man, time for the quibbles to start fading away....look deeply into what he does love about his siblings and would he not want them to improve their character? A big YEAHHH may come, but bring it back to reasonable...

 

Any reaction they give that is unwanted, deserves an opposite and 10% greater reaction from you. Taking the time to sit down with them in a place outside of home where they focus only on the topic and not all the kids beating on the door asking for something or wondering "What's going on in there?" is best :) I've had about 3 talks like that with my son and he greatly appreciates that I respect him enough and believe in him enough to rise to the challenge...there are still little jabs now and then, but as a whole..things are much improved! :)

[Aura]

Isn't this more of a natural consequence, rather than logical? (Just trying to figure out the difference.)

 

IMO, I think it can be both.

 

I think of natural consequences as something that reflects how the real world works.

 

Logical might also be natural, but it might be something that just makes sense in a a+b=c kinda way. Like the push-ups idea. Or this one...

Actually hold his tongue.

A swig of apple cider vinegar.

Do something kind or chore for offended party.

 

 

I like the idea of not doing favors, etc, because it does certainly make sense, but ds is very much an "in the moment" kinda kid. His impulsiveness is a major part of this whole issue. So, I think something more immediate would work better for him.

 

 

What do you guys think of this: Everytime ds lets his tongue roll without controlling it, he has to stand and hold his tongue for...say, a minute? (Obviously, without a screen (TV, computer, etc.) in view.)

 

The idea would be if you can't control your tongue mentally, you can at least do it physically. I like the sound of that. :tongue_smilie:

[kathymuggle]

IMO, I think it can be both.

 

I like the idea of not doing favors, etc, because it does certainly make sense, but ds is very much an "in the moment" kinda kid. His impulsiveness is a major part of this whole issue. So, I think something more immediate would work better for him.

 

 

What do you guys think of this: Everytime ds lets his tongue roll without controlling it, he has to stand and hold his tongue for...say, a minute? (Obviously, without a screen (TV, computer, etc.) in view.)

 

The idea would be if you can't control your tongue mentally, you can at least do it physically. I like the sound of that. :tongue_smilie:

 

It skates close to physical punishment for me. I am not too keen on physical punishment, period, but think it is inappropriate for a 15 yr old. Can you imagine someone wanting you to literally hold your tongue for a minute for saying something unkind? I imagine you would be horrified!

 

I do hear you on wanting a an immediate consequence, though, as he is an immediate kind of guy. How about immediately having to do something nice for his sibling - or immediately having to do one of their chores? Or writing a list, immediately, on what he likes about them? Whatever you pick has to be strong enough for him to remember not to insult people next time....

 

I would also focus more on the child who has been insulted than the insulter. Sometimes this behaviour can be a negative way to get attention - so whatever you do, do it matter of factly ( at least I strive to be calm and matter-of-fact).

Edited January 19, 2012 by kathymuggle

[wonderchica]

When we used to be unkind to each other, my mom made my brother and I sit on the couch and hold hands for five minutes. It didn't take much of that for us to stop...

[Susan in TN]

When we used to be unkind to each other, my mom made my brother and I sit on the couch and hold hands for five minutes. It didn't take much of that for us to stop...

 

I've done this with my kids. For a 15yo, it may be even more effective if he has to hold hands and, down on one knee, recite Shakespeare or some flowery poetry ("How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"...or, "Drink to me only with thine eyes"...have several printed out and ready for him) :D

[wonderchica]

I've done this with my kids. For a 15yo, it may be even more effective if he has to hold hands and, down on one knee, recite Shakespeare or some flowery poetry ("How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"...or, "Drink to me only with thine eyes"...have several printed out and ready for him) :D

 

That's the thing, my brother and I were teens when Mom implemented this policy. Made it even worse! :lol:

[LostSurprise]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

 

:iagree:

 

We also limit in-person interactions with people who can't respect others. You don't go to your friend's house, you don't invite anyone over. Family fun trips are severely limited with people who don't understand respect staying home until they can learn that basic skill.

 

 

DS1 (now 13) has had a hard, hard time with this from a young age, so maybe I'm a little tougher than some.

 

First, I made him rewind, and continue rewinding until he knew how to act appropriately. This gave him an opportunity to express himself while learning where the lines were. No child is born with an understanding of how to express anger respectfully. ("We treat each other respectfully in this house. You can be angry, but I need to hear how you can say what you want to say in a way that doesn't insult and break someone down.")

 

Respect needs to be both modeled and trained. Part of modeling is also treating them respectfully, and apologizing when your temper gets the better of you.

 

If it had an element of power-struggle or bullying I called it what it was and removed authority from him, or even put the younger sib in authority over him in a role playing exercise.

 

He's actually much better about this the last few years, but we have had hundreds/thousands of chats about bullying behavior (is this person your age or older? do you have age or power over them? if so, then its bullying to treat them in this manner. You have a responsibility to recognize when someone is weaker than you and treat them fairly...even if you're angry. This is the kind of behavior that gets you beat up in the real world. This is the kind of behavior that assures your siblings will act snotty to you later, get into your stuff, and refuse to help you out. This is the kind of behavior that loses friends and leaves you alone. We respect because we want respect, because society works because we can cooperate. *Appropriate addition regarding Christlike behavior or whatever faith or philosophy is held by the family.*)

 

I really wish you the best. It is never an overnight success. It can take years for a particularly self-directed child to 'get' this. Years of modeling. Years of never allowing it in your home. Most parents find it too much work and accept it as normal sibling behavior.

[Susan in TN]

It skates close to physical punishment for me. I am not too keen on physical punishment, period, but think it is inappropriate for a 15 yr old. Can you imagine someone wanting you to literally hold your tongue for a minute for saying something unkind? I imagine you would be horrified!

 

 

 

ETA: Oh never mind, I totally read this wrong. Need more coffee.

Edited January 19, 2012 by Susan in TN

[RoughCollie]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

 

:iagree: This is what I do.

[Starr]

If you can't be nice to your family, you need more time with them. I would cut out peer activities until he can be generally pleasant. At our house threatening was usually enough.

[DawnM]

My 14 year old (Aspie) would be thrilled with some of your "punishments."

 

He hates Facebook, prefers to be alone, so solitude would be a reward, etc.....

 

However, he does HEAR no electronics as a huge punishment. He plays a lot of games on the iPad and on his DS, so taking them away works for the moment.

 

Unfortunately, it only works for the moment, when given the same situation the next day, he often forgets that his same attitude did not benefit him the day before.....so we start all over again.....warning, more mouthing off "No I WAS NOT being disrespectful!" and fights over what his response actually sounds like vs. what he thinks it sounded line, etc.....

 

The battle rages on, but I WILL be victorious! :auto:

[kathymuggle]

ETA: Oh never mind, I totally read this wrong. Need more coffee.

 

Now I am wondering how you read it :D

[Aura]

First,

It skates close to physical punishment for me. I am not too keen on physical punishment, period, but think it is inappropriate for a 15 yr old. Can you imagine someone wanting you to literally hold your tongue for a minute for saying something unkind? I imagine you would be horrified!

 

The problem w/ ds15 is that he doesn't respond well to verbal corrections or explanations. Now, the other kids do fine, I can reason and explain and verbally correct and have them "try again" and it works. But not with this son.

 

After the fact, when confronted or when we have discussions, he feels bad and realizes how he was wrong. These talks go very well and I come out thinking, "Great!" But when it comes down to it and he is "in the moment" it's not enough to motivate a change in him.

 

Yes, holding your tongue would be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but abusive? I don't see that. :confused: My ds15 would not be horrified at. all. He would be inconvenienced because he would not be able to continue with whatever activity he was doing previously. He would not be embarrassed in the least.

 

I agree that he's at this age where he's almost a man but still a kid, too, and that puts a different dynamic on how to handle these kinds of problems...which is why I'm looking for ideas.

 

It would be nice to not do anything physical, but I see no other alternative with this child. Talking just doesn't work. Removing privileges works only until he regains that privilege. It doesn't motivate a lasting change. What else is there?

 

BTW, when you say physical, I assume that you would also be opposed to push-ups, laps around the house, etc.?

 

Second,

I'm hesitant to have him do something for his sibling because I want his focus to be entirely on his own actions and not be a reminder that it's *their* fault. He's very good at passing blame in his own mind, even if it isn't true, and I don't want to give him any room for that.

 

(Sometimes one of his siblings does provoke him, and when that happens I correct them, too, but most of the time, he makes these snide/snarky comments in an attempt to make himself look smarter when his siblings haven't done anything. :glare:)

 

Third,

I'm not so much looking for punishment as training exercises. I need something that can be implemented every. single. time. he spouts off and fails to control his tongue. I want to help him retrain what has become a bad habit. I don't think limiting his peer activities and such will work for this.

[Aura]

My 14 year old (Aspie) would be thrilled with some of your "punishments."

 

He hates Facebook, prefers to be alone, so solitude would be a reward, etc.....

 

However, he does HEAR no electronics as a huge punishment. He plays a lot of games on the iPad and on his DS, so taking them away works for the moment.

 

Unfortunately, it only works for the moment, when given the same situation the next day, he often forgets that his same attitude did not benefit him the day before.....so we start all over again.....warning, more mouthing off "No I WAS NOT being disrespectful!" and fights over what his response actually sounds like vs. what he thinks it sounded line, etc.....

 

The battle rages on, but I WILL be victorious! :auto:

 

Although ds is not an aspie, this does sound similar. He doesn't mind being alone, and while he'll recognize that what just came out of him mouth was rude/disrespectful, he'll forget about everything we've just discussed the next time it comes up.

[kathymuggle]

First,

 

 

 

Yes, holding your tongue would be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but abusive? I don't see that. :confused: My ds15 would not be horrified at. all. He would be inconvenienced because he would not be able to continue with whatever activity he was doing previously. He would not be embarrassed in the least.

 

I did not say holding your tongue is abusive. My concern with the tongue holding thing is I find it a little demeaning. I am pretty sure my older kids (13 and 15) would, too. It is Ok if you think differently. You did ask what people think, and I told you. I think it is appropriate as children age to start to treat them like the young adults they are becoming. Most adults have natural consequences as opposed to logical consequences, and I think natural consequences often work the best.

 

I agree that he's at this age where he's almost a man but still a kid, too, and that puts a different dynamic on how to handle these kinds of problems...which is why I'm looking for ideas.

 

I hear you!!!

 

It would be nice to not do anything physical, but I see no other alternative with this child. Talking just doesn't work. Removing privileges works only until he regains that privilege. It doesn't motivate a lasting change. What else is there?

 

You asked my opinion on physical punishment - and I gave it in general. That does not mean you agree or that it won't work with your teen. Do what you think is best!

 

BTW, when you say physical, I assume that you would also be opposed to push-ups, laps around the house, etc.?

 

Yes...and no. I have suggested my kids do physical activities, when I can see they are antsy. It is not meant as a punishment. I am trying to teach them to recognise when they are becoming annoyed with each other and to change things up before they treat each other unkindly.

 

I might say:

 

"why don't you go for a walk? I can see your sister is getting on your nerves and you are starting to respond inappropriately. Go for a walk -you will get a bit of alone time, and might calm down so you do not say something you will regret and get yourself in trouble."

 

They often refuse - are unkind to each other - and end up in their rooms :glare: Hopefully one day they will get it. I am on the fence on whether I should insist they go for a walk and the like. However, landing in your room because you failed to listen to good advice is also a learning opportunity.

 

 

 

good luck - hope you get some advice that works for your son!

[Aura]

Thanks. I was just trying to explain and clarify. I hope I didn't offend you. :grouphug:

[kathymuggle]

Thanks. I was just trying to explain and clarify. I hope I didn't offend you. :grouphug:

 

No, you didn't. :)

 

I hope others respond on the tongue thing for you, so you have lots of opinions.

 

In some ways we have similar problems with a child - but different roots. My middle is mean to my youngest - but I really think it is about her being hyper sensitive to noise, her sense that younger Dd is favoured (so lets prove it - watch how mad mom gets at me when I bug her!) and it is now a bad habit. I think knowing the roots of the problem will help find the solution.

 

In your case it seems to have a different root - impulse control.

 

Is this a new behaviour? If it is only impulse control, wouldn't it have been going on for a long time?

 

If it is impulse control, it might be worth it to goggle a few tips. I do know that my oldest (who is a total sweetie, but occasionally does not focus) benefits from a cup of coffee a day. Coffee seems to help those with mild ADHD, so if his impulse control is part of ADHD, it might help.

[Joanne]

IMO, I think it can be both.

 

I think of natural consequences as something that reflects how the real world works.

 

Logical might also be natural, but it might be something that just makes sense in a a+b=c kinda way. Like the push-ups idea. Or this one...

 

 

 

I

 

What do you guys think of this: Everytime ds lets his tongue roll without controlling it, he has to stand and hold his tongue for...say, a minute? (Obviously, without a screen (TV, computer, etc.) in view.)

 

The idea would be if you can't control your tongue mentally, you can at least do it physically. I like the sound of that. :tongue_smilie:

 

Not a fan. I think it's too contrived and patronizing for the age.

[3peasinWa]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

 

what if they don't use those anyway? Then what?

[mommaduck]

It seems to me that using words *appropriately and respectfully* is a condition of cell phone, facebook, chat, and email use.

 

If you can't use words respectfully to people - all people, I will limit your access to communicate. Your choice.

What do you do for a kid that is already not permitted to do those things, generally because of their age?

[Heidi]

Ds 15 is getting bad about throwing insults, especially name-calling, toward his siblings. I'm constantly calling him on it, so now he's trying to disguise it. For instance, instead of saying, "You're stupid," he'll say, "That was a stupid thing to do." :glare:

 

(That's just an example. He usually finds a more creative way to insult rather than use something so obvious as "stupid.")

 

It's not allowed. He knows this, but he's 15 and really pushing his boundaries. I'd like to find a logical consequence to this, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something.

 

Anyone have any ideas?

 

Maybe some kind of service he must do for that sibling. You love the ones you serve!

[KidsHappen]

For the most part I let these kinds of infractions role off my back because they really do have their own natural consequences. They will find that people don't want to be around them, don't want to talk to them and certainly don't ever want to do things for or with them. After a certain amount of time, they will notice and when they ak why I point it out in no uncertain terms. If a spat breaks out between two of mine (they all can give as well as they get) then I seperate them to their own rooms until they are able to get along.

 

As far as mouthing of to me, I also ignore it to a certain amount. I expect that I am sometimes going to get the "You're Mean" or "I hate you". I always tell them it means I am doing my job. So far the grown ones love and respect me and enjoy my company. If they do sometimes cross a line, I tell them that I am human too and that I have feelings as well and that their words can be hurtful ( I am very stoic so this has great effect in my family). Sometimes if they refuse to disengage I will either send them away or walk away myself.

 

Also, if you want to make clear the frequency with which they are doing this, inteject "Not Acceptable" every single time they say something inappropriate. If possible interupt them as soon as they start down that path. Eventually it will get so annoying that most will get tired of it and course correct.

 

I have also pointed out that the world is full of mean crazy people and that if you get in someone's face and mouth off and refuse to disengage you stand a good chance of getting hit or worse (more so if you are a boy but also girl to girl interactions). Of course, most teens always think that it will never happen to them but being exposed to just a single altercation of that sort is enough to convince most of them otherwise. As they get older they do begin to realize that their words have consequences, sometimes one that far exceed the infraction.

[Aura]

Is this a new behaviour? If it is only impulse control, wouldn't it have been going on for a long time?

 

If it is impulse control, it might be worth it to goggle a few tips. I do know that my oldest (who is a total sweetie, but occasionally does not focus) benefits from a cup of coffee a day. Coffee seems to help those with mild ADHD, so if his impulse control is part of ADHD, it might help.

 

The mouthing off is nothing entirely new. I think to some degree, that's part of being a kid. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, it has become more than an occasional gaffe. It's become an unwanted norm in his conversation.

 

Yes, impulse control is an ongoing issue. I believe he does have mild ADD/ADHD, which has been evident since he was little although he's never been diagnosed with it. That does affect how I handle him, which is why I liked the very direct approach of holding the tongue. It's communicates on so many levels that what he is doing is inappropriate.

 

I did look up some more info on the coffee, and the effects seem to be related to the caffeine content. Ds15 doesn't like coffee, but I could probably get him to drink some caffeinated herbal tea (green tea or a blend or something). I'm going to look in to it. Thanks for suggesting that!

 

 

KidsHappen, your advice may be helpful for others, and I appreciate your views, especially as a mom who's already been through these years and has adult children. I really value that kind of input! But I can't ignore it. His behavior is hurting his siblings, and I cannot tolerate it anymore. Redirecting and verbally correcting hasn't worked. I need somthing more.

 

And FTR, it is usually NOT a spat between two siblings. It's unprovoked attacks by him against his siblings. He really has developed this know-it-all attitude and evidences this by inserting his comments into everything usually in the most insensitive way.

 

Spats between siblings are a different matter and are handled differently, although I really liked this [below], and I might start using it:

When we used to be unkind to each other, my mom made my brother and I sit on the couch and hold hands for five minutes. It didn't take much of that for us to stop...

 

I have to admit, I really liked this [below], too, but I'm afraid that ds15 might actually find this demeaning, as opposed to holding his own tongue. :001_huh: I might use it for some of the other kids, though.

 

I've done this with my kids. For a 15yo, it may be even more effective if he has to hold hands and, down on one knee, recite Shakespeare or some flowery poetry ("How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"...or, "Drink to me only with thine eyes"...have several printed out and ready for him) :D

[TranquilMind]

We've had to talk and talk and talk with one son about this... and it wasn't doing very much good. Until every time he asked me for something (to use my computer... a ride somewhere... ) I said something like, "Nope. You have been rude to your brother and I've kept telling you that we don't talk to each other like that and you have not listened... so, nope." And this went on for months.

 

A couple weeks ago it finally dawned on him that if he acts respectfully around here, he gets things that he wants! He figured it out!!!! Yippeeeee! He's been very nice lately...

 

When will this day come? It's been at least 3 long years.