lilredmom Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I know this seems like the answers would be pretty obvious, but the obvious doesn't seem to be working here. We have an only DD at home, that we have just started homeschooling this year. She is 11 and in the 6th grade. The "friends" that she did have from elementary rarely seem to call or invite her to do things. Most will to a certain extent if she(we) make the move and do the inviting. We participate in our church and she is involved in dance and Zumba weekly. She participated in volleyball in the fall. Yet, the friends just aren't happening. I know she feels lonely and she definitely needs peer age friends for proper social development. Is this "normal" for her age or is there something else we need to be doing? Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Do you go to church? We have several home schoolers in our church and plan regular get togethers with them. Honestly most our dds previous school friends' relationships have sorta fizzled. It is not that they aren't friends anymore, more that their paths don't cross as often. When they do see each other it is loads of fun, but it has to be well planned beforehand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 My experience was that when my kids were homeschooled, most of their friends came from their homeschool group. And then, when they went back into school, their friends came from school. There have been a few examples of "cross-overs" but that was the exception. Both girls were very involved in town sports, ballet, church, etc., but those friendships didn't extend beyond the activity. It was the homeschool kids that they saw on a regular basis on fieldtrips, projects, etc., that they made the consistent friendships with. Is there a homeschool group you can meet up with? I found that it was hard in the beginning to find a group that worked for us, and then we moved and had to start over connecting with a homeschool group, but after a while you get in the loop and start gettting invites to all their activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilredmom Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 We live a small city and there is only one homeschool group. So far, we have only noticed one child around our daughter's age. As a group, they really don't get together very often. We do go to church and we participate in the Wednesday night program for the kids (I am the leader of my daughter's age group - 4th to 6th grade.) We have very few kids in our church. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 my DD has one friend from her days in ps, another in our local hs group (but she stopped participating), a few from choir, and quite a few at the barn where she rides (all of them older, and a good fit for her). DS has one friend from ps, and several in our hs group with whom we get together for weekly playgroup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Well, my first thought is that I don't believe that a child needs peer-aged friends for 'proper social development', and my arguement is that the human race has existed for thousands of years in many different social forms and even when children had limited social contact with other children the exact same age as themselves those children managed to develop socially just as normally as anyone else in their social group. In my opinion, this emphasis on large amounts of time spent with same-age peers as being developmentally necessary was invented by folks who supported brick and mortar schooling. That said, if you sincerely have a concern about your child I suggest that your child can find contact with same-age peers in various activities like those that you are already involved in. If you want more activities you could look into scouting or YMCA, theater, or organized youth sports. You will most likely have to make the effort as the mother to invite your child's acquaintances in these groups to playdates or get-togethers outside of that activity. But, this is not necessarily going to lead to the kind of close friendship I think you have in mind. My own kids have tended to make friends (close, continuing friendships) with compatible people they have encountered while going about doing the kinds of things they enjoy doing, and honestly it has been only rarely that those friends are the same age. Sometimes those friends are younger and often they are older, even adult-aged. In the 'real world', often times we find our friends based on mutual compatibility and shared interests, not age. How many of your own friends are your exact age? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilredmom Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 Rainefox..thank you. I agree with what you say about "same age peers" not being needed for "proper social development". I guess I am really looking more for people/kids with her same interests, but in our small community, there aren't a lot of opportunities...it's not like I can just turn the corner and find a group/class. The groups that she does participate in just don't have very many people in them and those that do participate don't seem to click with her. Most of her interaction is with adults and very small children. Pursuing this is a particularly awkward thing for me since I really don't have close friends, I have acquaintance friends. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Both of my girls have tons of friends. They have always been homeschooled, so they don't have any friends from "school" at all. Literally no one else in our small city homeschools their children. No one. (This has been verified from the school superintendent.) Everyone either sends their kids to public school (supposedly one of the best districts in the nation) or private school (it is a wealthy area, so there are many kids who go to private school here). Since they are homeschooled, I have them in tons of activities so that they have time with other children. My DD11 has friends from dance, art, horseback riding, and gymnastics. Now that she is a pre-teen, our phone practically rings off of the hook, not to mention the texts and emails and Facetime "calls" she gets. :glare:;):D She is definitely not missing out due to being homeschooled! I seriously :lol: when I hear people say that homeschoolers are awkward and unsocialized. If I were you, I would sign your daughter up for an activity or two that interests her. She is likely to make a friend or two with common interests. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I know this seems like the answers would be pretty obvious, but the obvious doesn't seem to be working here. We have an only DD at home, that we have just started homeschooling this year. She is 11 and in the 6th grade. The "friends" that she did have from elementary rarely seem to call or invite her to do things. Most will to a certain extent if she(we) make the move and do the inviting. We participate in our church and she is involved in dance and Zumba weekly. She participated in volleyball in the fall. Yet, the friends just aren't happening. I know she feels lonely and she definitely needs peer age friends for proper social development. Is this "normal" for her age or is there something else we need to be doing? Beth I have been hs'ing my only dd for the past five years, and I have to say that you will need to allow your child to grieve the loss of day-to-day contact with friends as it was in school. Our dd attended k-2 at a public school before we brought her home, and it did take her some time to adjust. She did get through it though. After the first year everything changed for her and she became quite happy with our hs arrangement and lifestyle, but it didn't happen over night. Over the years we have enrolled dd in community soccer, a scout troop, a hs co-op, summer youth camps, horse camps, summer science and art classes for hs'ers and as many church activities as we've been able to get her to. We have made a conscious effort to take her to these activities because we don't want her to feel isolated at home. We've also maintained connections with one family that we met while dd was in public school, mainly because that family understands and appreciates our efforts to educate at home, and we've made a strong connection with a local family that also homeschools. Along with this, we invite girls from church over for sleepovers and slumber parties and we allow our dd to do the same with girl friends at their homes. All in all, I want to encourage you to understand two things: 1. It takes time to adjust to the new lifestyle and perhaps grieve over the loss of the way things were. There is hope in this, and time is your friend. 2. You will have to help build a network for your child, sacrificially going beyond your own comfort at times in order to provide healthy activities for your child. At this age, she is dependent on you to help make it happen. 3. Consider this as a time to draw closer together as parent and child. Your companionship will help replace some of the loss, and you can build on that. This season you are in will also carry her through to a new place that includes a new set of friends that are more geared to your hs lifestyle. And remember, you are in transition. It will be worth the effort to get through it, I promise. Blessings to you, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Neighbors, hs co-op, Classical Conversations, library story time, cousins, and the children of my friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 We've made friends through scouting, 4-H, and soccer. We don't belong to a homeschool group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Church, AWANA, scouts, library I have found that sports have not resulted in any friendships. The seasons are pretty short and they spend time playing, not socializing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 We've made friends through scouting, 4-H, and soccer. We don't belong to a homeschool group. We don't belong to a homeschool group either. We did years ago just so my Dc could find friends. What I found was a culture that very closely resembled the worst of the public school social scene. It was like the parents and kids were desperately trying to mimic it. The 'friendships' formed there were very superficial. It took up a ton of our time and yielded very poor results. I have stopped signing Dc up for activities just to search for friends. (Yes, I really did that for a while. It burned us out.) They attend clubs, sports or classes b/c of interest or need. The friendships they make are generally healthier b/c of shared interests. We have done some discussing about what makes a friend and looked at examples of notable friendships in history and in our literature and Bible reading. I think our definition of a friend probably isn't the same as others. What many people call friends we call acquaintances. My kids have both friends and acquaintances from their 4H clubs, dog training classes, book club, sewing and other classes at our local library, church, and horseback riding. Ds has a couple of boys in the neighborhood he hangs out with occasionally. And, they do have friends who are older and younger than they are. Both Lucinda and Rainfox have some great points about the nature of friendships for homeschooled kids. Even though my Dc have made some friends we find it is difficult to see them on a regular basis outside of the activities they share. It seems in today's world we are all so busy it is becoming difficult even for school kids to make time to socialize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 The girls go to co-op once a week, and that's where they've found most of their friends. They also have friends in choir, gymnastics, and AHG. And soccer, once that starts back up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Church, dance, 4-H, support group activities (and by "activities," I don't mean co-op; I mean park day and occasional informal get-togethers. Older is still close to someone she met at a homeschool bowling league in 1988). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 This is our fourth year homeschooling and my 13 year old is lonely a lot of the time and my 11 year old is starting to get that way. They crave seeing friends 24/7. But, the homeschool friendships are just different then the school friendships. Their friends aren't local. My son still has one friend from his school days who he can get together with and does not require effort on my part. My daughter has no one local. I will be honest. It is frustrating for them and for me. Well, for me because they want something they don't have. Most of their friendships are truly acquaintances. During the week we are busy and we see these friends but I find the weekends challenging. Homeschoolers around here just don't seem to see each other on the weekends. My kids both do swim team. They have a few friends from the team but the friendships don't go past that. There is no getting together at any other time. They both participate in the library run book clubs, my son volunteers at the library during the summer, they do summer swim team at the town pool. Rarely, do the friendships from these activities extend to other things. I have taken to homeschool dating again to try to increase our social circle. In our area there are very few older homeschoolers. My feeling is, just keep throwing yourself outside your comfort zone and do activities that interest your dd and the friendships will develop. They just take longer than the friendships that develop in school where you are together all day and sharing the same experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Afterschool program while I work in afternoon, our homeschool group is a big one, our neighbourhood, Parents Night Out (YMCA sponsored, kids go play at the Y for a few hours while we go out to dinner). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I have been hs'ing my only dd for the past five years, and I have to say that you will need to allow your child to grieve the loss of day-to-day contact with friends as it was in school. :iagree: We brought my oldest home just before 5th grade, and the other two came home the following year. We lived in a small town, and despite doing swim team, soccer, ballet, 4-H, church, and music activities, we never established strong friendships for dds in our community. It was very isolating for all of us. We allowed dd#1 to enroll in high school for 2 classes per day so that she could be around friends and participate in the only high school extra curriculars in town. When she graduated, we moved to a large city 60 miles away to create opportunities for dds #2 and #3. We were simply out of step with folks in our town (where dh grew up) in many, many ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 The YMCA, both the homeschool gym class and the evening free for all, where kids tend to group themselves by interest, sex, and age, and then either swim for the evening, or play foosball, or goof off in the racket court, etc. as a pack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I know this seems like the answers would be pretty obvious, but the obvious doesn't seem to be working here. We have an only DD at home, that we have just started homeschooling this year. She is 11 and in the 6th grade. The "friends" that she did have from elementary rarely seem to call or invite her to do things. Most will to a certain extent if she(we) make the move and do the inviting. We participate in our church and she is involved in dance and Zumba weekly. She participated in volleyball in the fall. Yet, the friends just aren't happening. I know she feels lonely and she definitely needs peer age friends for proper social development. Is this "normal" for her age or is there something else we need to be doing? Beth It's so hard when the kids don't have an activity that requires a lot of time. For example, our 7 y.o. has a lot of friends from gymnastics, but they are there 4+ days a week. Our 6 y.o. has activities, including church and baton lessons and soccer when it's soccer season, but because there is less time commitment, the friends are harder to come by. Is there a way to get your daughter involved in an activity that requires more time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 When we first brought them home, they still had tons of friends from school and the neighborhood. Tons. Then we moved to the other side of the country, way out INTO the country. It's been six months and we have about 5 other homeschool families we have playdates with. There are two other girls my girls' age. We have become good friends with another family with a daughter who played on my dds soccer team. We go to a homeschool playgroup once a week and it is the BEST. I think the hardest part about finding homeschool friends is that it seems like it's much more important now that I, or my husband and I, like and get along with the child's parents. I find myself spending much more time with the other parents than I EVER did when they were in school. So, the families we spend the most time with are the ones with parents I like. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 scouts, homeschool ski club, book club, soccer, volunteer group, church . . . A key for us is that I would coach the kids to identify one or two likely, interesting kids from a given season's activity/team/whatever. . . and then I'd encourage them to invite the interesting child over for a playdate/pool date/whatever a couple weeks BEFORE the season was over. Also, I generally have at least one on-going collaborative schooling thing going on that I organize. For a couple years, I ran an every-other-week Story of Science meeting for 6 kids (two other families, plus my two olders), one year I did a history thing once a month with one other family, then this year my little is doing chem with another family, while I do big kid chem with my kids and the older sibling of that family, and the olders also do literature once a month . . . When mine were really little, I did art once a month for a few months several times. . . These kinds of things are really nice b/c you can handpick kids you'd like your kids to get to know better. I also host large birthday, etc parties. If I only had one child, I'd also host Christmas-crafting get togethers, valentine's cookie-making parties, etc, etc. I did a lot of that when my oldest was little (under 10), but now I have my hands full, lol, and I am just glad to get presents wrapped. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Rainefox..thank you. I agree with what you say about "same age peers" not being needed for "proper social development". I guess I am really looking more for people/kids with her same interests, but in our small community, there aren't a lot of opportunities...it's not like I can just turn the corner and find a group/class. The groups that she does participate in just don't have very many people in them and those that do participate don't seem to click with her. Most of her interaction is with adults and very small children. Pursuing this is a particularly awkward thing for me since I really don't have close friends, I have acquaintance friends. Beth I hear you. Actually, since I have moved to where I live now (been here about fifteen years) I've found I'm the one who really hasn't 'clicked' with anyone locally. I really have acquaintances and not friends. My community is pretty small too, and when I moved here I left behind the friends I had made in the area I grew up in. I think finding those kind of close friends is a little like falling in love....it is sweet and wonderful when it happens, but the waiting for that special connection can be lonely. My kids all went through times when they felt lonely and that they had no one to hang out with or to be there for them. Happily they did eventually all meet up with at least one or two other people they ended up being very close with, and my three more social daughters each have several best friends now. It always just sort of happened, one day a child came home and just knew that they had clicked really well with another person and that they were going to be close. My eight year old daughter is struggling with this right now and we talk about it, and about what friendship is and how to be a friend. She has acquaintances and other kids that she sees on a regular basis, but no one she has that special bff relationship with. I know that will happen for her, but of course she wants it to happen NOW. It is hard to see her feel sad about this. I guess because of the older kids and how it all worked out for them I tend to take the longer view, and let this work itself out while she is doing the kinds of activities and things she has an interest in. I suppose that I should get my own butt in gear and get out for a few activities myself, and see if I can find a few friends of my own, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilredmom Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Thanks for all of the advice and support. Sounds like I worry too much about it. I plan to have a discussion with her to see if there happens to be any other thing she might be interested in joining/doing (that we can afford to do) that will put her "out and about" more. I want to be careful not to have too many things going on because that in itself stresses the whole family out. I never thought about a "mourning" phase of fizzling friendships from PS. It totally makes sense, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 IME, when looking for relationships for my children that extended beyond specific activitites, the most effective thing that I have done is to approach the other parent and arrange a get together/playdate for the kids. My eldest ds is starting to tiptoe into doing that for himself by asking new aquaintances if they would like to come over or something, but he's still a bit shy about it. I do think that it is important for children, especially adolescents, to socialize with same age peers. Normally that socialization would occur in a traditional school setting. As homeschoolers, we often have to make a concerted effort to arrange those opportunities for our children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 My eleven-year-old son's friends are the children of my friends. It's almost always been like that, I think. We've met at church and in homeschool groups. I organized a Dungeons and Dragons group for kids (homeschooled or not) at the library so that we could find children in this city who want to play, and the boys' two best friends are the two kids who showed up for that group, who were both coincidentally homeschooling Pagans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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