What would you do if you found out your child was sneaking out?

[Chris in VA]

What would you do? I think Ds is at it again. I know there is S8x involved, but I don't think there are any drugs.

[Kelli in TN]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

What would you do? I think Ds is at it again. I know there is S8x involved, but I don't think there are any drugs.

 

I don't know. Sex is such a powerful motivator that this one's gonna be tough. If I knew who the girl was, I'd sure make sure her parents know that this is a possibility. Lots at stake, obviously.

 

{{{Chris}}}

[Plucky]

Well, first you have to verify if he actually is sneaking out. Can you do random bed checks? Or if you ask him will he be honest? I'd want to find out why. Is it sex? Is it drugs? Why is he making this choice to sneak out. Does he feel like he has to sneak out because you won't let him go see this girl or do things with his friends (not trying to place the blame on you, just trying to figure out why)?

[Mrs Mungo]

When my youngest sister started sneaking out my parents put locks on every door and window in the house that you had to unlock with a key.

 

I don't know whether or not that's the route I would go.

 

I know I would do random bed checks.

 

I would definitely contact the girl's parents.

[Plucky]

I would probably take away privileges and ground because it's dangersous to sneak out at night. Anything can happen to you and your parents don't know you're out. I'd want my dh involved heavily. But I'd want to know why. Kids can hook up or do drugs during the day. Why sneak out?

[*anj*]

I don't even know why I am answering this because I have not yet raised a child to even puberty, much less adolescence. Still, I am going to vote for talking about consequences, then doling out consequences. The problem is that your son is a minor and that means that you are legally responsible for him. If he ends up hurt or hurts someone else, or whatever, you are responsible for him.

 

So what can you do?

Call the police?

Pay to have a PI follow him around?

Lock all your doors and windows so that he can't get back into the house?

Tell him that if he's so eager to go around at night he can just move out?

 

I don't know. I'm just sorry that you have to go through this. :grouphug:

[newbie]

Install an alarm.

 

Jeannette

[Plucky]

This is a good suggestion. Can you set one with a different night time password so only the adults can turn it off?

[wagnfun]

What would you do? I think Ds is at it again. I know there is S8x involved, but I don't think there are any drugs.

 

 

If I thought my 17 yr old was sneaking out I'd stay up all night and see. My friends mom waited for her to sneak out then LOCKED all the doors and windows to where she couldn't get back in without ringing the doorbell. I'd wait for my 17 yr old to be 18, if it wasn't a long wait and then I'd say its time for tough love (and yes I understand thats not fun). I'd re-explain the rules and the bottom line rule is obey the HOUSE rules, regardless of age, or move out.

 

BTW< you didn't really ASK this but I read your blog. I've been there done that and if you're having THESE issues with your teen, don't let him get his license.

[newbie]

Yes, I think everyone can have own password. I dont remember.

 

Jeannette

[Laura K (NC)]

Based on your blog, I'm giving advice as I would to another Christian woman about her Christian son.

 

Maybe he can take a field trip to an abortion clinic, a maternity ward, and a children's home. He should also be scheduled for a trip to the doctor to talk specifically about STD's.

 

He might need to know that he isn't showing respect to a young lady that he would sneak off at night to have sex with. He is causing her to disrespect her parents and he is causing her potential harm both in body and in spirit. If he loved her, he would not want to harm her. If he doesn't love her, then the "Romeo and Juliet" romanticism of young true love doesn't apply and he's using her.

 

He needs to know and abide by your rules. Your blog says he's taking driver's ed. Driving is a powerful motivator for my teen son. I would use that. A teen that can't be trusted can't have very many privileges. Work, driving, electronics, extracurriculars, clothing, hairstyles, and dating are all privileges that can be replaced with charity, missions trips, and volunteer work. If you and your husband tend to be soft, you might turn to professional help to be firm... maybe to your pastor.

 

If he's looking for love, make sure you give him a little extra of yours in the remaining time you have with him before he graduates.

 

If he wants to have a man's liberties, IMO he needs to own up to a man's responsibilities. IMO, he needs to apologize to the girl's parents himself. Hopefully, they will be shocked. Hopefully also, they are not good friends of yours. :sad:

 

He might also need some lessons in financial responsibility. There are very, very few 100% foolproof contraceptives out there, and if he's playing around with babymaking, he should probably be sure he can provide for a family, so a "life skills" class might be good now. Turn this into a way to get closer and increase your communication with him. These are the real facts of life. He's too young to support a family, so he's too young to be screwing around.

 

This is tangential, so I'm sorry if I'm advising more than you've asked, but computer monitoring software that records IM's, email, computer time, and websites might be a good idea if you don't already have it in place.

[Reya]

What would you do? I think Ds is at it again. I know there is S8x involved, but I don't think there are any drugs.

 

Whole-house alarm system, for a start.

 

Oh, and there are some really LOVELY pictures of STDs online. :-) You should give him a biiiiiig fat report on A) sex in marriage, B), sex outside of marriage, and C) the consequences of promiscuity and its links to abuse, prostitution, broken families, etc.

[Chris in VA]

Thank you so much for the advice and group hugs.

 

I'm not sure he's sneaking out at night, but I know he is sneaking around somehow, and I know he is having sx. This is my prodigal child--he has lived in rehab for a year and is now home. He knows our stand on abortion (nix--we'd help raise a baby, it really is a baby, it's not fair to the child, lifelong committment, yada yada). He's well aware of STD's (rehab goes into these pretty heavily). He is not a Christian. His dad is his pastor. We have an alarm, but when we used it last time, he cut the wire. He's been in jail. He was caught with her, police were called, (circumstances I can't go into), didn't matter to him. Talked with her mom (who is an active alcoholic and can't drive) and she laughed. "Teenagers!" We've taken away privileges. We are in counseling, he is in counseling, we are in family counseling.

 

Sigh. I am so friggin' tired of not being able to trust him. He will not get his license, but is finding ways of meeting her. She comes from an abusive backround, is used to sneaking around, drinks (but I don't know about drugs other than that), says she supports his sobriety (:confused:), is pretty alternative-looking (piercings, half shaved head, the rest long with pink), doesn't care about school, and yet I'm sure has redeeming qualities. He is definitely using her, cares somewhat for her, and she knows this.

 

I keep surrendering him to God without surrendering my responsibility towards him. And now, he probably has Lyme disease (been to the DR, and he's on antibiotics) and is exhausted all the time--I can't tell if there's drug use, too.

 

Many of you have long prayed for this dear child, and for our family, and for me. I know it has made a difference. Please continue. I feel helpless. Dh does, too. It will break our hearts yet again if we have to send him away. We are not convinced that's the right course, as we feel it is extremely difficult to find a program that really is the way it says, we don't want him around his own type of people, iykwim. He desperately needs a peer group of kids who have made good choices, but he looks and acts in such a way that those kids have got to be turned off. I know I'd be, and I know and love him! The long hair is a compromise, the piercing is a hill I don't want to die on, but the sex? It is so powerful, and there's nothing to replace it. It's not right for me to pray that a bus hits his girlfriend...but I wouldn't mind if she broke up with him. There's always another skank--oops--loose and hurting young lady waiting in the wings. I've prayed to love his girlfriend (and I do feel some compassion, mixed with anger and disrespect) but I'll know that's a work of the Lord when and if it happens. God could use this situation for his glory, that's for sure. There are no guarantees, tho.

 

Just keep the hugs coming. And thanks for letting me vent and whine.

[Soph the vet]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Chris. It sounds like you have tried different "programs". Have you considered Teen Challenge? There is one here in Minnesota. It is a Christ centered rehab with great results. My friends' son just finished a year there. The relapse rate is really low compared to other rehabs.

[Veronica in VA]

I'm so sorry. These teen years are so hard. I assume he is out at night and then having to go to school the next day. Is he sleeping once he gets home from school? I think I would make it hard for him to sleep - lots of noise, etc. Then, if you can, have him do lots of chores - physical labor. For instance, moving a brick pile, roofing a shed, etc. Exhaustion might help.

 

I'll pray for you.

 

Veronica

[shell in SC]

Thank you so much for the advice and group hugs.

 

I'm not sure he's sneaking out at night, but I know he is sneaking around somehow, and I know he is having sx. This is my prodigal child--he has lived in rehab for a year and is now home. He knows our stand on abortion (nix--we'd help raise a baby, it really is a baby, it's not fair to the child, lifelong committment, yada yada). He's well aware of STD's (rehab goes into these pretty heavily). He is not a Christian. His dad is his pastor. We have an alarm, but when we used it last time, he cut the wire. He's been in jail. He was caught with her, police were called, (circumstances I can't go into), didn't matter to him. Talked with her mom (who is an active alcoholic and can't drive) and she laughed. "Teenagers!" We've taken away privileges. We are in counseling, he is in counseling, we are in family counseling.

 

Sigh. I am so friggin' tired of not being able to trust him. He will not get his license, but is finding ways of meeting her. She comes from an abusive backround, is used to sneaking around, drinks (but I don't know about drugs other than that), says she supports his sobriety (:confused:), is pretty alternative-looking (piercings, half shaved head, the rest long with pink), doesn't care about school, and yet I'm sure has redeeming qualities. He is definitely using her, cares somewhat for her, and she knows this.

 

I keep surrendering him to God without surrendering my responsibility towards him. And now, he probably has Lyme disease (been to the DR, and he's on antibiotics) and is exhausted all the time--I can't tell if there's drug use, too.

 

Many of you have long prayed for this dear child, and for our family, and for me. I know it has made a difference. Please continue. I feel helpless. Dh does, too. It will break our hearts yet again if we have to send him away. We are not convinced that's the right course, as we feel it is extremely difficult to find a program that really is the way it says, we don't want him around his own type of people, iykwim. He desperately needs a peer group of kids who have made good choices, but he looks and acts in such a way that those kids have got to be turned off. I know I'd be, and I know and love him! The long hair is a compromise, the piercing is a hill I don't want to die on, but the sex? It is so powerful, and there's nothing to replace it. It's not right for me to pray that a bus hits his girlfriend...but I wouldn't mind if she broke up with him. There's always another skank--oops--loose and hurting young lady waiting in the wings. I've prayed to love his girlfriend (and I do feel some compassion, mixed with anger and disrespect) but I'll know that's a work of the Lord when and if it happens. God could use this situation for his glory, that's for sure. There are no guarantees, tho.

 

Just keep the hugs coming. And thanks for letting me vent and whine.

 

 

Chris,

I will continue to keep you guys in my prayers. Our DD (18) just moved out last weekend and moved in with her BF who has cheated on her in the 3 months they've been together. I know this isn't good for her or her self-esteem. He's 21 and so I know that she's drinking over there and I so don't want to get back into that. He doesn't do drugs though and I don't think he would tolerate that. It's tough though knowing that she's out there doing God knows what but I just have to trust that God is watching out for her.

 

Anyway enough about me. . .take it one day at a time and continue to pray for him my friend.

 

:grouphug:

shell

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh Chris. I've been praying for your family and I'm just so sorry to hear this. I have no advice, but please know we're praying for you.

[Danestress]

You've seen him deteriorate pretty badly. For most of us, we could tell a 17 year old "if you don't like the rules here, move out. I won't be calling the police and assume you won't either, so no one will stop you, under age or not. I you live here according to the rules or move out. Period."

 

But you really don't want your son to move out because you know how vulnerable he is and how badly that might turn out for him. If mine had moved out, he would have gone to a friends, eaten a lot of Cheetos and played video games, and then felt stupid and would have come home.

 

Your son is different and there is a lot at risk, and you and your DH know that. It's so scary and it must be a very trapped and desperate feeling.

 

I think I would just continue to fight the battle, tell him what the rules are, refuse him privileges when he isn't following them, but accept that you can't really stop him from having sex. You can do all the talking you want, but I don't get the feeling that's really changing his willingness to take risks. So I would just do what I could - put in an alarm system, confront problems when you see him, love him, and try to get though the next few years, hoping that he slowly comes around and grows out of this. Not sure what else you can do. (((((Chris)))))

[Twinmom]

Chris, I am so sorry. I have no profound advice outside of what's already been offered, but I do have prayers and will use them!

 

I had a DSS in a similar but not as severe situation during his teens (he is now 26). All I can say is that the very best thing we ever did for him was to kick him out of the house at 19. We'd found drugs in the house (again!), but this time we had a baby AND he'd left them where she could have gotten them. This combined with the girlfriend just did us in. Out he went, the very day we found the drugs.

 

Forcing him to support himself (well, mostly...his mother did some unnecessary "rescuing" that delayed the process) and live with the consequences of his choices has been great for him. He is still not living the way we wish he would (basically, really underachieving), but he's clean, disease-free and child-free (small miracles, but still...)! Slowly, on his own timetable, he's becoming a grownup. I guess that's what we really wanted anyway, so it's a good thing.

 

Have those important conversations with him, install that alarm with window sensors, let him know that if he violates your trust he's going to have to go out on his difficult little hiney. Tell him you'll do it because you love him so much, AND follow through. He wants to be a man? Give him the chance.

 

Most importantly...leave him in the hands of the Lord. Unbelievably, He loves him even more than you do and He really knows what it will take to reach him. If He was willing to die on the cross for your DS, don't you think he can handle this? ;) It may take some tragedies in his life to reach him, but if that must happen...remember that God's first priority is reaching DS's eternal soul and He'll do whatever it takes to get him! Cover him in prayer and give him to the Lord. I know that is the hardest thing ever for a parent to do (having done it myself, I can say this with confidence!), but prayer truly is the most powerful intervention you have in your arsenal. Continue to wear out a groove in the floor where your knees have hit it, and trust in God's power to heal your son.

 

((Hugs)) and, of course, prayers!

[Elaine]

:grouphug:Chris, I don't have teens yet, but you said to keep the hugs coming, so here you go. I am really sorry.

[Sandy in Indy]

:grouphug:

 

No wise words here...just prayer, lots and lots of prayer.

 

Sandy

[Scarlett]

No teen here, but my mom went through this with my brother. She went through heck until he turned 18 and then she basically told him to move out. She said it was much easier once she made that break. Sure she still worried, but not in the same way. She had a peacefullness that she had done all she could do at that point My brother is close to 40 now and the 20 years in between have never really been 'easy' with him, but much easier than when he was a minor, running around breaking all rules, social and legal.

 

:grouphug:

[Laura K (NC)]

This is why it's so hard to give advice on message boards... you will never know the depth of another person's situation. I shot off at the mouth again without knowing your whole story.

 

I'm praying for this boy. You can only do your best and then God will have to do the rest. You are really to be praised... I don't think I could take an older boy into my home. You're working against so many odds, but surely a little bit of the Lord will get into him through all your efforts. You might not see the fruit of your labor now, but maybe in a few more years.

 

Ugh, that poor girl. What a situation. If only your son could see a way to nurture her and raise her up a bit. I said a prayer for her and her mom, too.

 

God bless your family. You're taking on a much heavier load than I ever will and I really don't have any business giving advice to your situation.

[drama_mama]

when my step son started this, for the same reason btw. He earned himself a sleeping bag on our bedroom floor and he got to go to bed when we did. Doesn't necessarily fix the rebellion but it sure did stop the behavior.

[Nestof3]

Chris, I honestly don't know how to advise you in this, but I can pray.

[starlashine]

I know it's not much, but I was always deterred from sneaking out by my insomniatic parents. There was no way to get out of the house without them hearing me, one was always in the living room armchair and the other was in the basement on the computer. They basically blocked both of the reasonable exit points. I do not know how your house is set up, but maybe you and dh could try this tactic. I never thought they were doing it intentionally when I was a teen, but looking back on how badly my older brother behaved, I now think it was probably intentional on their part. I would watch him like a hawk until he turns 18 and then maybe tell him he has to go take care of himself. In my experience with people with addiction (son's father was alcoholic until last year, brother that was into hard drugs and such) they will not change until they are not enabled. My son's poor grandmother had to cut her only son off from her in order to get him to seek treatment, my brother is finally truly calming down now that he is really on his own. Of course, homelessness will do that to you. Sorry for the ramble, and I will pray for you and your family. HTH.:grouphug:

[Peggy in Va]

Thank you so much for the advice and group hugs.

 

I'm not sure he's sneaking out at night, but I know he is sneaking around somehow, and I know he is having sx. This is my prodigal child--he has lived in rehab for a year and is now home. He knows our stand on abortion (nix--we'd help raise a baby, it really is a baby, it's not fair to the child, lifelong committment, yada yada). He's well aware of STD's (rehab goes into these pretty heavily). He is not a Christian. His dad is his pastor. We have an alarm, but when we used it last time, he cut the wire. He's been in jail. He was caught with her, police were called, (circumstances I can't go into), didn't matter to him. Talked with her mom (who is an active alcoholic and can't drive) and she laughed. "Teenagers!" We've taken away privileges. We are in counseling, he is in counseling, we are in family counseling.

 

Sigh. I am so friggin' tired of not being able to trust him. He will not get his license, but is finding ways of meeting her. She comes from an abusive backround, is used to sneaking around, drinks (but I don't know about drugs other than that), says she supports his sobriety (:confused:), is pretty alternative-looking (piercings, half shaved head, the rest long with pink), doesn't care about school, and yet I'm sure has redeeming qualities. He is definitely using her, cares somewhat for her, and she knows this.

 

I keep surrendering him to God without surrendering my responsibility towards him. And now, he probably has Lyme disease (been to the DR, and he's on antibiotics) and is exhausted all the time--I can't tell if there's drug use, too.

 

Many of you have long prayed for this dear child, and for our family, and for me. I know it has made a difference. Please continue. I feel helpless. Dh does, too. It will break our hearts yet again if we have to send him away. We are not convinced that's the right course, as we feel it is extremely difficult to find a program that really is the way it says, we don't want him around his own type of people, iykwim. He desperately needs a peer group of kids who have made good choices, but he looks and acts in such a way that those kids have got to be turned off. I know I'd be, and I know and love him! The long hair is a compromise, the piercing is a hill I don't want to die on, but the sex? It is so powerful, and there's nothing to replace it. It's not right for me to pray that a bus hits his girlfriend...but I wouldn't mind if she broke up with him. There's always another skank--oops--loose and hurting young lady waiting in the wings. I've prayed to love his girlfriend (and I do feel some compassion, mixed with anger and disrespect) but I'll know that's a work of the Lord when and if it happens. God could use this situation for his glory, that's for sure. There are no guarantees, tho.

 

Just keep the hugs coming. And thanks for letting me vent and whine.

 

Oh Chris - as someone who has lived through this my heart truly goes out to you and your family.:grouphug: It is very hard to stand back and watch your child become involved in a disfunctional relationship and trade one addiction for possibly another. I think it is even more difficult and heart wrenching when it is your first born and your ds on top of that. At least it was/is for me.

 

We went through a VERY similar situation w/ drugs, running away, girlfriend when my oldest ds (now 24) was 17; and to a certain degree read: girlfriend) still are. I think I posted about this once on the old board. He decided to run away shortly after he turned 18 - it took everything to get him to come back home and finish school so he could graduate. His gf had a very sad and abusive life and had dropped out of highschool. No intention of going back or taking GED. Her mother didn't even bother to call me when ds ran away and stayed at her home. It took me a week to find out where he was. Enough of me.

 

You mentioned that your son was in rehab - and that he is in counsiling. Is he in "program" and if so does he have a sponsor? Someone who is a bit older and can appreciate and relate to what he is/has been going through; and can give him some good advice? Councilng is a great thing, but I know people who are in program and it is that, more so than counciling, that helps to keep them on the right path. Just a thought.

 

As far as the drug use - I don't know how far you want to push this issue - but you could have him tested. We had to do this for my ds when we took him out of ps and put him in private.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom to share re: sneaking out. The others have mentined good ideas; but from what you have said it sounds as if he is determined. The real problem starts (as in you having no legal authority over him) when he turns 18 and is still living in your home. This is not to say you can't asl him to leave when he turns 18 - just if you want him to stay you can't force him to.

 

It took my ds running away, coming home, moving in and out several times, living on the street and having too much pride to say he was doing so, being jobless, and worried about dying before he finally realized that maybe there was a better way. But he did finally come around. Unfortunately, the gf is still involved and they are living together. Oh well, one can only pray.

 

Just remember, there is always hope. Keep praying and asking guidance to accept the things you cannot change and courage to change the things you can.

 

Hugs and prayers to you and you family

 

Peggy

[Mamasteff]

When my dad suspected us, he stacked empty aluminum cans where they would tumble and crash when we came in...

 

My grandmother slept with her feet against the door so when it was opened it would wake her up.

 

If he is coming in not sober, it might not be the best time to discuss it.

 

:grouphug:

[covenant.christian]

I like the alarm idea. Still, there needs to be some sort of accountability set up.

 

I am so very sorry to hear you are going through this, as we had our daughter move out last year over very difficult issues. Being a parent is just painful sometimes, it really is. :grouphug:

[Trivium Academy]

I can tell you what my parents did.

 

They took all privileges away, put a lock on my door and windows and grounded me for the summer. They also took me down to the police station and made me talk to a police officer about what can happen to kids who sneak out at night.

 

I would notify the girl's parents only after you have discussed this with your dh about how you will handle your son. I would also do bed checks and verify that he is indeed sneaking out unless you already have proof. Then I would consider making him stay with a parent 24/7, including sleeping hours since he cannot be trusted on his own.

 

:grouphug: This is hard!

[WTMindy]

I'm so sorry. I have no advice for you, but I am praying!!!!!!

[st_claire]

I agree with him sleeping in your room. It sounds like this kid needs 24/7 supervision for awhile until he can regain your trust.

[Joanne]

I've been that child. I've been recovered from alcoholism/addiction for 17 years now. My parents were "in denial" and passive. It fueled my behavior and probably prolonged it.

 

Here's my feedback, from the perspective of a recovered but BTDT adult and one who has "sponsored" countless women into recovery (or not, unfortunately) over the years.

 

I suggest you add him having sex to the list of hills you do not want to die on. My (gentle) suggestion would be to pray that God give you the peace to let go of that aspect.

 

Hm. Not drinking or drugging is the *beginning* of recovery. Removing the substances allows recovery to *start*; it's not the end. Conversely, drinking/using is the last act of a relapse; not the first. It seems, from his behavior, that he has failed to allow God to change his thinking and therefore his behavior is addictive/compromised even if there is an absence of substances.

 

If I had a child that was an addict (and genetically speaking, it's likely I will), I'd have these in place if they lived in the home:

 

1) Random drug and alcohol testing

2) Active participation in NA, AA or Celebrate Recovery. (I have more opinion on that, but I'll save it).

3) A sponsor

4) Service work

5) Access to email, cell contact lists, IMs, computer history

6) They would *have* to have a job

7) Open and frequent invites/access to friends, boyfriends or girlfriends

8) A contract about car use, curfew, the items above, responsibilities in the home with consequences of failure to meet the standards. That consequence would be "move out".

9) I would never give them cash. If they needed help with a bill and the above were in place, I'd pay the bill they said needed paying.

 

I would put the above in place without discussion, debate or arguement. Take it or leave. Honor it or go. That's it.

 

And I'd go to as many Al Anon meetings as I could and do my program (the steps, with a sponsor) even if I didn't think I needed to.

[Reya]

If things are this serious, driving would be absolutely out of the question. Driving is a privilege for a responsible kid--not a vehicle of rebellion!

[CookieMonster]

:grouphug:

 

I'd second the teen challenge suggestion as a suggestion. (Services and Studies) I've heard good things about them, although I have no personal experience with them.

 

Also, Joanne's post is really, really good. I'd take it to heart.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Again, thanks for all the advice and support. He is not my oldest, only 16, so we have at least a year and a half to figure out--and we would like him home until he graduates, in 2010. But, that may not be possible.

He is an atheist, so Teen Challenge is out. He will run away if we send him there, and we are not going to put him in another locked facility--but he may end up there all by himself.

He has random drug tests, but knows how to beat them (just take enough niacin and the stuff doesn't show up). He is sneaking around at school--but there's no way I am going to homeschool this child.

He is going to go to work, but we will have to figure out the money aspect, because he has no money now and a sudden influx of even a few dollars could lead to him spending it inappropriately. Coricidan Cough and Cold is legal and only costs a few dollars--that's his doc (drug of choice), as well as alcohol.

The biggest problem is enforcing the rules. He came home a few months ago, and we did a contract, which, after about a month and a half, he refused to follow. This week, he stopped attending AA--has a sponsor, the whole 9 yards. I think he's using, and that's why he doesn't want to go. But I could be wrong.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice, the hope, and the hugs. And especially thanks to those who will keep us in prayer. This child is the Lord's, and, while I believe God honors our free will to either be in relationship with him or not, I do pray everyday that God will make himself compelling and continue to woo my son.

[Adrianne]

Praying for you here! :grouphug:

[Joanne]

The biggest problem is enforcing the rules. He came home a few months ago, and we did a contract, which, after about a month and a half, he refused to follow. This week, he stopped attending AA--has a sponsor, the whole 9 yards. I think he's using, and that's why he doesn't want to go. But I could be wrong.

 

For me, this is a deal breaker for a minor child who is an addict. The choices now would be:

 

1) In patient treatment or similar (out of the house and residential) program.

2) Move out.

[ravengal]

This is a tough situation to be in, and we have gone through a very similar struggle. These are my thoughts:

 

Your son has already broken through your family boundaries regarding drugs sex, and alcohol. He has already been incarcerated. If he shows no desire to change his life, then any measures you and your husband implement in an attempt to control his behavior will likely result in an even greater power struggle. He has been empowered by his boundary-breaking, and will fight to maintain the upperhand of control in his own life (even if the results are disastrous for him personally).

 

 

Unless your son respects you and your dh as authority figures in his life, you will not be able to stop his behavior with external measures. He will look at these measures as evidence of your continued attempts to force him to live by "your" Christian values and as a further attempt to "control" him. And he is right, to a point. You cannot force a person to change their behavior or come to Christ. You cannot externally control a 17yo man. I realize that he may not meet our criteria for manhood, but he is a man nonethless. There is no restoring him to a position of innocent childhood at this point. Even good Christian peers won't be able to change his heart if he feels no desire to change.

 

I would actually show more willingness to trust him, not less. He may feel as if he can never live up to your "perfect" family standards, so why bother? If he doesn't have his license, help him get one. Allow him to drive with conditions. Attempt to get to know his girlfriend.

 

Furthermore, if you've got unhealthy family dymanics, you must be willing to uncover them, own them, and accept how they may have contributed to your son's problems. He won't respect either of you if you don't own up to any part you may have played in damaging your relationship with him. I would get into some sort of counselling, if you haven't done so already.

[whisperam]

It's easy to say I would make his life miserable and try with all my might to convince him that this behavior was wrong and sinful and I would do that! I would go to God with many long prayers for help as well. Is there someone he respects aside from your husband or yourself. Maybe you could lean on them.

[ravengal]

I should have read Joanne's post first. Very good advice.

 

Joanne:

How would you enforce consequences on an out-of-control minor? We found no avenues for help that didn't cost more money than we could afford, or didn't involve the juvenile justice system. In our state, one is considered a minor until 18, for purposes of parental responsibilities (regardless of whether the "child" is cooperative with the parents or not).

[PineFarmMom]

I don't know what others have said, but I did see someone suggest that you stay up all night to watch and see, then lock the doors so they have to ring the doorbell, and I think that is a great idea. I did a lot of sneaking out and got myself into a fair amount of trouble that my parents never knew about. They were blind by choice OR they knew and didn't do anything. I wish they had done something, stopped me in some fashion from many of the foolish things I did. There is just a lot of nonsense that wouldn't have happened had someone stepped in and stopped me. It sounds like you are at least aware and making efforts. Even if it's hard, you're doing something!! I don't have a teenager but wanted to offer an opinion from someone who wasn't stopped and wish she would have been.

 

T

[dragons in the flower bed]

What would you do? I think Ds is at it again. I know there is S8x involved, but I don't think there are any drugs.

 

I would probably drug test him regularly. So long as there aren't any drugs present, I'd supply him with protection and be sure the girl had some as well. If there were drugs present, or if for some reason I couldn't drug test, I'd send him to rehab.

 

Do you attend Al Anon or Narc Anon meetings? They can really help with learning to set boundaries.