LauraGB Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 (edited) My mother called today to tell me her brother is in the hospital and is likely not going to make it. The hospital is 3 hours away. My mother and her sister are driving down to see their brother, as are many of their other siblings (very large, very close family) as well as ill brother's 4 children. My mom asked if I wanted to come with. She said she "didn't care" if I came, but they are leaving at 730am tomorrow. I suggested that this might be an intimate setting for her and her siblings to talk and rally around their brother as he passes. I'm a niece, and as far as I know, only siblings and my uncle's children will be there. Finally, I asked my mother point blank if she'd like me to accompany her and her sister. She said she "didn't care". Is this one of those things that I stink at where I'm supposed to read between the lines and know exactly what she wants even though she says something different? Do I belong there at this stage? I'm not sure what to do. She won't say, "Yes, Laura. I would like you to be there to support me," even if that is my specific question (which it was, at least three times during the conversation). Not sure if I should go. What would you do? Edited October 30, 2011 by LauraGB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I wouldn't go. Were I your mother or BIL kids, I'd want the time to be more intimate and private. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I also wouldn't go, unless I were particularly close to that uncle and there were other nieces and/or nephews going. Since your mother will have her siblings there for support, I'd stay home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I wouldn't go. Based on my experience with my mom, dying is pretty intimate. I would let him be with very close family and plan to be there for the memorial service instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I wouldn't go unless you think her sister and she would like you to drive them. If you do go, I'd try to fade into the background as much as possible, especially if you end up being the only non-sibling and non-child present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I wouldn't go unless you think her sister and she would like you to drive them. If you do go, I'd try to fade into the background as much as possible, especially if you end up being the only non-sibling and non-child present. This. Will your mother be adequately supported by the others there or is she likely to want that support from you (even though she isn't saying so now)? If you think she'll benefit from your support, go but give closer family space, remaining available to your mom if/when she needs you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I'll be the odd one out; I think you should maybe go. Depends on your mom. Perhaps simply the fact that she asked if you wanted to go with means that she would like you to go. Only you know for sure how your mom communicates. I know she said she 'didn't care' when you specifically asked. But do you think she asked if you wanted to come because she genuinely thinks you'd *want* to, or because that's as close as asking you to 'please come' as she can get? Man, life would be so much easier if everyone just said what they mean. I could see my own mom saying everything to me that your mom said to you, then being disappointed later that I didn't go. But of course *she wouldn't tell me that; she'd tell one of my sisters or aunts or something, and then it'd get back to me. Sigh. Sometimes it's so complicated. Sorry about your uncle. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Only you know for sure how your mom communicates. I know she said she 'didn't care' when you specifically asked. But do you think she asked if you wanted to come because she genuinely thinks you'd *want* to, or because that's as close as asking you to 'please come' as she can get? Man, life would be so much easier if everyone just said what they mean. I could see my own mom saying everything to me that your mom said to you, then being disappointed later that I didn't go. But of course *she wouldn't tell me that; she'd tell one of my sisters or aunts or something, and then it'd get back to me. Sigh. Sometimes it's so complicated. Sorry about your uncle. :grouphug: That's what I'm worried about. Honestly, I don't understand how she communicates - I don't think I'm wired that way. I think it may be a character malfunction that I have such a hard time figuring out what people really want, and understanding why they don't just come out and say it. I can't tell if she's just confused and harried right now that she doesn't really know which directions her thoughts are going or if she's really asking me to come with her. Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 If you're really not sure about what she wants, I'd go. I'm sure they'll appreciate having someone less emotional to drive and run errands for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 i'd go. she asked if you'd like to go. would you like to go? if you go, you always have the option of slipping out of the room to give them more privacy if you think they need/want it. and you can drive home, when your mom and her sister are sad. she may have said "i don't care" so that you didn't feel pressured to do something you might not want to do. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antsam Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 If you're really not sure about what she wants, I'd go. I'm sure they'll appreciate having someone less emotional to drive and run errands for them. :iagree: My uncle just passed away last week and if it had been closer I would have driven there with my boys to just be around to help as needed... maybe get dinners ready for when people get home, pick up the house, etc. I probably wouldn't have gone to the hospital, but would have been there to support as needed. Your mom may appreciate you being there for her even if she's not saying it. Sorry about your uncle. :grouphug: Jodie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I would go without question, but that's knowing the dynamics of my family - lots of aunts, cousins, grandkids, etc at every birth and death. Not necessarily to be in the room itself, but to be at the hospital for general support, errand running, and so forth. Because you know that your mom won't say, even if she really wants you there, I would go if at all possible. Again, you don't have to be part of the crew sitting bedside, but you can be in the waiting room. With so many people there, your mom is likely to be in the waiting room a great deal also. If they seem to need more privacy, even in the waiting room, it's easy enough to take a walk or go to the cafeteria for a while. It truly can be helpful to have someone there who is a bit less 'vested' than sibs and kids, both for emotional support and to have someone who isn't reluctant to leave the hospital to run the inevitable errands. So, unless it's a tremendous hardship, I would definitely go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think you should go. You can be there for moral support, drive them, get food or coffee, or just offer a shoulder to whomever needs it. Take a book or something to keep you busy. She wants you there, even if only in the background. The "I don't care" says she wants you there, but doesn't want to impose on you or make you feel like you "have" to go.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 This. Will your mother be adequately supported by the others there or is she likely to want that support from you (even though she isn't saying so now)? If you think she'll benefit from your support, go but give closer family space, remaining available to your mom if/when she needs you. I lean towards going. I lost my sister this past spring and could use all the support I could get. You can stay out of the way (if you feel that's necessary), yet be there for your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 If my mom (or other relative) invited me but then "didn't care" if I came, I would assume they might appreciate me being there during the drive to and from the hospital as a nice distraction. At the hospital, you can easily fade into the background yet still be available to support anyone who needs it--driving for a food run, running to the cafeteria for coffee, etc. I'd go. Better to be there and not be needed than the other way around.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 If it was me I would go. I am very close to my mom. If she were to ask it would mean she wants me there. My mom is my best friend other than dh; I'd want to be there to support her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I wouldn't go unless you think her sister and she would like you to drive them. If you do go, I'd try to fade into the background as much as possible, especially if you end up being the only non-sibling and non-child present. :iagree: I would go as my mom's support...and maybe aunt and uncle / cousin support...bringing coffee..getting the nurse....bringing in water or juice...being a shoulder and a hug. I had support of my dd and my MIL when my mother was dying...and they were so helpful to me. They helped me to do what I had to do to make my mom comfortable. Faithe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleWMN Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 IF your schedule allows it, I'd go. My dad died a few years ago and I have a cousin (who I wasn't close to) that was there for us constantly, in the background, quietly serving us. It was a gift. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think you should go. You can be there for moral support, drive them, get food or coffee, or just offer a shoulder to whomever needs it. Take a book or something to keep you busy. She wants you there, even if only in the background. The "I don't care" says she wants you there, but doesn't want to impose on you or make you feel like you "have" to go.:grouphug: Exactly. You aren't going to hang out with dying uncle and interrupt; you are going to assist your mother and your aunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 All right. I need to call her back. Thanks guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I just talked to her and after several rounds of "I don't want to impose" and "you don't have to", I finally said, "Mom, you know I'd come if you wanted me to, and that's all there is. Do you want me to?" And very quietly, she said, "Yes.". I love you guys :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I just talked to her and after several rounds of "I don't want to impose" and "you don't have to", I finally said, "Mom, you know I'd come if you wanted me to, and that's all there is. Do you want me to?" And very quietly, she said, "Yes.". I love you guys :grouphug: :thumbup1: for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I just talked to her and after several rounds of "I don't want to impose" and "you don't have to", I finally said, "Mom, you know I'd come if you wanted me to, and that's all there is. Do you want me to?" And very quietly, she said, "Yes.". I love you guys :grouphug: Awww, it sounds like she just didn't want to come out and say that she wants you to go. I am glad you called her back. And I'm so sorry about your uncle. I have an uncle I am really close to, and if he were about to pass away, I'd be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unscripted Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Oh! I am so glad that it worked out! I was going to add that I would go- because she asked *you* first. It didn't sound like in your OP, that you offered, and then she came back with the "don't care"... She asked and followed up with the easy out... To me, that was her way of asking, but making it real confusing. Lol. Just thought I would add that little nugget into your playbook of "understanding what people say, when they say the opposite" And prayers for your uncle and family... I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I just talked to her and after several rounds of "I don't want to impose" and "you don't have to", I finally said, "Mom, you know I'd come if you wanted me to, and that's all there is. Do you want me to?" And very quietly, she said, "Yes.". I love you guys :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm glad you called her back, and I'm glad you can be there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Finally, I asked my mother point blank if she'd like me to accompany her and her sister. She said she "didn't care". Is this one of those things that I stink at where I'm supposed to read between the lines and know exactly what she wants even though she says something different? What would you do? does your mother often play such games? Do you play the games with her? does she think if she say's "no", you'll read her mind and know she means "yes"? If you want to go, go, if you don't want to go, don't. Your mother said she "didn't care", so take her at her word. After all - it's the respect you'd expect from another adult - that they'd take you at your word. (even if that isn't what she meant. do you really want to play that game for the rest of her life?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm glad you are going. Some women do not know how to accept support even if they desperately want it. Sounds like your mom is one of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 does your mother often play such games? Do you play the games with her? does she think if she say's "no", you'll read her mind and know she means "yes"? Yes, they all do. I'm not sure what it means, or how they ended up with such a literal kid, or why they do it. Makes no sense to me. I'm honestly not sure I possess the ability to try to figure it out. It's odd. I'd be very interested if anyone has any theories about why people do this, though (on this thread or another - I'm genuinely curious because the more people I encounter, the more I feel this is a typical dynamic and that I'm the weird one because I don't quite get it). Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. He was a good guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :iagree: I wouldn't go...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I would go, to support my mom at an emotional time. You can be there but still give the siblings all the space and privacy they need, but be there for your mom when she needs you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'd go. I don't like regrets. If it doesn't seem you should be there once you are there, you can always go to the coffee shop or elsewhere. If you don't go and she later says she wishes you had been there, can you handle that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Absolutely go. It means the world for people to have loved ones—especially the next generation—willing and wanting to be there. She has to know she is likely next. If you are there for now, "in life", she will know you'll also be there for her when she's past. People only live in the momemories of those who succeed them. You will have memories later of these moments, better to have been there for your loved ones in their moments of grief. Don't have regrets. And take the time to show how much you value the people you love. They take comfort in that. Believe me. I wish you peace, Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 If it were my dad, I probably wouldn't want a lot of cousins around at this stage. For the funeral etc. yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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