Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I had a "friend" back in MT that has just found me - through dh and facebook. I put friend in quotes because it was one of those type relationships. She sucked me into her neurosis subtly yet fully. I really don't want to talk to her. She has my email and has twice today asked for my phone number so she can talk to me. How do I tell her that don't want to give her my number? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I just don't want to get sucked back in again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I had a "friend" back in MT that has just found me - through dh and facebook. I put friend in quotes because it was one of those type relationships. She sucked me into her neurosis subtly yet fully. I really don't want to talk to her. She has my email and has twice today asked for my phone number so she can talk to me. How do I tell her that don't want to give her my number? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I just don't want to get sucked back in again. Why do you have to respond at all? Just don't. And tell dh to unfriend/block her. Problem solved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Um... tell her you don't have a phone? Maybe that wouldn't wash. Methinks you're going to have to find yourself all sorts of things to do, like, suddenly.. and perhaps stock up on bean-dip.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You can't avoid hurting her feelings. If people create situations where their feelings could be hurt, it's a risk they have chosen. I vote to block her email. Oops. It's so weird how things can disappear into your spam folder. This is not a person you want to be in contact with and you are never going to see her again, right? She's not your responsibility. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I'll have to lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I vote to block her email. Oops. It's so weird how things can disappear into your spam folder. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama2Many4 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 As far as the email goes, you can mark her as spam. Boom. Emails stop coming through from her. Facebook, block her. DH has to unfriend her. Then just ignore her. She'll get the hint and will most likely be annoyed with you, but not hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 You can't avoid hurting her feelings. If people create situations where their feelings could be hurt, it's a risk they have chosen. I vote to block her email. Oops. It's so weird how things can disappear into your spam folder. This is not a person you want to be in contact with and you are never going to see her again, right? She's not your responsibility. Rosie Okay. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You never have to lie, you just have to be brave enough to own the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 You never have to lie, you just have to be brave enough to own the truth. Isn't ignoring her the same as lying. Doing neither comes out and says, "I don't want to give you my phone number." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Isn't ignoring her the same as lying. Doing neither comes out and says, "I don't want to give you my phone number." No. It's your choice whether to engage her. If you engage her then you will be in a position where you might need to lie. If you choose not to engage her, that's fine. Block the emails, don't respond. People who suck you into things only need the smallest opening to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I hate lying, & I think ignoring someone is *sometimes* more hurtful than telling them the truth. I would put it to her this way: I *much* prefer to maintain my contacts online. It's so much easier for me, between hs'ing, kids, etc. (This is all true for me.) Also, for *me,* I really do prefer to talk to friends online, etc, because I'm such an introvert. My relationships online--in writing--show a truer self than what I can manage on the phone, esp, or even in person. That part, though, would vary from person to person. :grouphug: I had a friend like this, but she was even more difficult than you've described. She sent a "hey, what's up" email, I replied--friendly, informative, warm--& she sent a scathing reply that she didn't know what she'd ever done to me, but I *obviously* didn't want to maintain the friendship because I hadn't suggested a time & place to get together OR included my contact info. That one stumped me. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Isn't ignoring her the same as lying. Doing neither comes out and says, "I don't want to give you my phone number." Why would ignoring her be lying? It is ignoring her. Lying would be if she saw you face to face and you told her "I never saw your e-mail" when you indeed did see her e-mail. The thing about written communication or recorded communication (like on a voice mail) is that the recipient has a choice whether to respond or not. You might not respond because you don't want to talk to her for whatever reason. You might not respond because you are ill and cannot respond. You might not respond because you're too busy. I do agree with Pencil that being ignored can hurt. But being told that you suck the very life out of someone can hurt too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I would wait a week and reevaluate. Maybe she would stop contacting you. So, I guess that falls under the ignore category:) I find that if I don't respond to things right away, sometimes things resolve themselves or go away. This is hard for me to do, wait. I like to have everything tied up with a nice bow and move on......check...finished:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Isn't ignoring her the same as lying. Doing neither comes out and says, "I don't want to give you my phone number." You don't want and have not sought a relationship with this person. Do you feel you have to give your phone number to anyone who gets your email address? I bet you don't! Just because she knew you in high school and managed to dig up your email address does not obligate you to give her anything. You don't have to lie or respond at all. For that matter, there's nothing wrong with telling someone you barely know you don't feel comfortable giving your phone number to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmama Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I also vote for ignoring. Or, just think of it as not engaging. Do not answer. Do not reply. Do not answer...yes, you see the pattern. I have done this, though infrequently. Events like high school reunions seem to bring out the "friend" in the most unlikely of folks. Just because someone can "friend" you or find out your contact information doesn't mean you must have a relationship with them, especially if it will not be a healthy or positive one. Good luck. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Why would ignoring her be lying? It is ignoring her. Lying would be if she saw you face to face and you told her "I never saw your e-mail" when you indeed did see her e-mail. The thing about written communication or recorded communication (like on a voice mail) is that the recipient has a choice whether to respond or not. You might not respond because you don't want to talk to her for whatever reason. You might not respond because you are ill and cannot respond. You might not respond because you're too busy. I do agree with Pencil that being ignored can hurt. But being told that you suck the very life out of someone can hurt too! I suppose I see it as lying by omission. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I see it as lying by omission. It isn't. You aren't omitting anything. Presuming she assumes you did read the email, then it is implied that you don't want to give your number if you don't respond by giving it. Did that make any sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I would wait a week and reevaluate. Maybe she would stop contacting you. So, I guess that falls under the ignore category:) I find that if I don't respond to things right away, sometimes things resolve themselves or go away. This is hard for me to do, wait. I like to have everything tied up with a nice bow and move on......check...finished:D This is what I would do too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You don't want and have not sought a relationship with this person. Do you feel you have to give your phone number to anyone who gets your email address? I bet you don't! Just because she knew you in high school and managed to dig up your email address does not obligate you to give her anything. You don't have to lie or respond at all. For that matter, there's nothing wrong with telling someone you barely know you don't feel comfortable giving your phone number to them. No lie! And I can't imagine you'd have time to talk to her if you did, what with all the people in Nigeria who just need a sponsor for their perfectly valid inheritance/settlement/who knows what else ringing you up! Seriously. You choose whether to answer your phone. You choose who you reply to from your email. Facebook comes with the option to ignore on multiple levels for a reason. These are the type of people from whom it is always messy and ugly and stressful to extricate one's self. To be all hip: DO NOT PUNCH THE TAR BABY! (which, in this case, would be hitting "reply") Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 You don't want and have not sought a relationship with this person. No, I haven't. I was greatly relieved when we left in part because of her. Do you feel you have to give your phone number to anyone who gets your email address? I bet you don't! No, I don't. Just because she knew you in high school and managed to dig up your email address does not obligate you to give her anything. Okay. Thanks. I suppose I was looking at is as more black and white than it was. You don't have to lie or respond at all. For that matter, there's nothing wrong with telling someone you barely know you don't feel comfortable giving your phone number to them. No, it has only been 4 years since we've seen each other. Almost 2 since the last time we spoke. I just let it fade to black. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I see it as lying by omission. I have someone that I contacted and said that I hope they would contact me. They haven't. I don't think that person lied to me. I think they told me "no." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I see it as lying by omission. Get over it. :) Seriously, you're wrong on this. Lying implies some communication. You're not communicating by refusing to respond. You have a right not to answer emails and phone calls and letters. Honestly, are you lying to the sender if you choose not to send an email response about how you really don't want a p3nis enlargement at this time, thank-you-very-much? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Well, I sometimes go forever without answering emails at one of my three email accounts. Couldn't you just ignore it? It sends the same message as telling her you don't want contact, but without the awkward conversation. Pretend she's someone your lawyer told you not to have any contact with. Imagine there's a restraining order against one or both of you. Think how much future awkwardness you can avoid. Etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I see it as lying by omission. So if a marketer calls, and I use caller ID to not pick up, I've just lied? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I agree that it's not lying to ignore her, and it's perfectly appropriate. I also think that it would be fine to remain in some kind of online contact with her, if you wanted, but not to give her your phone number. I'm a big believer in people being able to change; maybe she realized how horrible and difficult she was before, and wants to apologize. Maybe she was addicted to meth and that's why she was so awful and now she's in a 12 step program and wants to make amends with you. Who knows? But you certainly are under no obligation to engage her if you don't want to, and I wouldn't give her my number if I were you, especially not at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You never have to lie, you just have to be brave enough to own the truth. Isn't ignoring her the same as lying. Doing neither comes out and says, "I don't want to give you my phone number." I would state the truth. "I don't care to resume our friendship, please don't contact me again." I also agree with other posters that doing nothing isn't a the same a lying. It is just a more passive choice. One that maybe leaves the good memories in place. However, given your description, my money is on her tracking your phone number down through mutual friends and forcing the issue. Know in advance what you are going to say! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It's not lying to ignore her. It would be lying to tell her you didn't get the email. If you don't want to ignore her and you don't want to lie to her, then just be direct and tell her you don't want to talk to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It's not lying to ignore her. It would be lying to tell her you didn't get the email. To put it in board vernacular: It is not a lie to not respond to a thread. It is a lie to say, "I didn't read your thread" when you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I see it as lying by omission. Can you explain that? What are you "omitting"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You can't avoid hurting her feelings. If people create situations where their feelings could be hurt, it's a risk they have chosen. I vote to block her email. Oops. It's so weird how things can disappear into your spam folder. This is not a person you want to be in contact with and you are never going to see her again, right? She's not your responsibility. Rosie :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I would state the truth. "I don't care to resume our friendship, please don't contact me again." :iagree: You can be kind in your directness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 :iagree: You can be kind in your directness. I think this is what I'm looking for. A way to be kind but not leave her hanging. I know she knows she has the correct email. Dh isn't the type to give anyone the run around like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think this is what I'm looking for. A way to be kind but not leave her hanging. I know she knows she has the correct email. Dh isn't the type to give anyone the run around like that. Ok, so tell her you are sorry but you are unable to keep up with correspondence at the moment. If she keeps persisting, she is being annoying enough to block. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I am facebook friends with someone from high school who I barely remember. She asked for my phone number and I ignored the request. The second time she asked, I told her that I don't like to talk on the phone and I really only talk to my mom and sisters. That happens to be the truth in my case; I don't like talking on the phone, and I really don't want to start getting calls from someone I haven't seen in 30 years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cstitches Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I didn't read all the posts, but consider saying something like this: "I appreciate you taking the time to get in touch with me, but with all the things I have going on in my life right now, I really don't have the time to reconnect/it's not the best time for me to reconnect." and wish her well. I think it's the nicest way to acknowledge her, but turn her down. There is nothing wrong with being selective about who is in your life, and how you spend you time, especially with time being the limited blessing it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Tell her you are very busy and prefer online communication. You save the phone for family and emergencies only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kertie Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You never have to lie, you just have to be brave enough to own the truth. :iagree: Just tell her. I'm willing to bet it's not the first time she's heard it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I didn't read all the posts, but consider saying something like this: "I appreciate you taking the time to get in touch with me, but with all the things I have going on in my life right now, I really don't have the time to reconnect/it's not the best time for me to reconnect." and wish her well. I think it's the nicest way to acknowledge her, but turn her down. There is nothing wrong with being selective about who is in your life, and how you spend you time, especially with time being the limited blessing it is. :iagree: I like this approach. I tend to be someone who would rather just address the issue directly rather than ignore and hope it goes away. Then you'll be dreading seeing more emails from her, "hello? did you get my email?". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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