Can I vent?

[Nakia]

Okay, good. So, I am entirely sick of people telling me I need to work more. If I mention that we can't do something because we can't afford it, I am sometimes told I need to work more hours. One of my good friends suggested we put the girls in private school so I could go to work full time. HUH? How the heck would that save us any money? People at work randomly say to me, "Well you only work a few shifts a month!" ARGH! It's not as if I am constantly saying we are broke either. It's just general conversation where everyone is talking about how expensive groceries are or how much gas has gone up. I guess if you aren't working a public job 40 hours a week you aren't supposed to participate in those conversations. :tongue_smilie:

 

I finally had enough this morning. At work, I am classified as prn, which means "as needed." I signed a contract to work a certain amount of hours per month and receive a percent increase on my base pay. I work more than I have to. I work at least 4 shifts per month (12 hours each). They are changing the prn guidelines so I have to either commit to 6-8 shifts per month or take a pay cut. That is very frustrating, but it is what it is. I told my mother about it (MISTAKE!), and she said she doesn't see why I can't work every weekend. I asked her how she would like to work every weekend after working full time all week. She asked what I meant. Argh. I just said, "Nevermind!"

 

I know 4 shifts a month isn't that many. I am very thankful that I am able to stay home the majority of the time and that my husband has a job that is secure. It is nice to work a few shifts and make more money than in most careers. We are incredibly blessed. Finances have been tight for 2 years, but we've made it. God has taken care of us. I can work more anytime I want to, but we have chosen for me to be home during the week. IF we got desperate, of course, I would work more. In fact, we've been there. And it's not like we're asking for money from anyone. I think people are so rude when they tell others how they should live or how they should manage their finances.

 

Okay, I think I'm done. Carry on!

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[amyable]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm not in your exact situation but I totally get people "giving advice" when they have no idea what your life is really like, or judging based only on the little they think they know.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[aggieamy]

Sometimes people are huge jerks who need to mind their own business. Sorry you're running into those people. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I love the working full time and putting the girls in private school option. :lol: There's someone who could use some remedial math.

[GingerPoppy]

Oh, I hear you! I work less than "full time", because otherwise there wouldn't be time to homeschool. I understand that means I'll have less money. I'm making a choice, one that's best for my family. People who think there is only one path in life are small-minded. Who's to say money is the better choice than time with your children, as long as you are meeting their needs? I guess in a culture obsessed with money and material goods, you can't expect everyone to understand.

[FaithManor]

I understand completely. I am on an extended sabbatical from my music career. It interfered too much with homeschooling and family life in general as I was either teaching students all afternoon and most evenings and then performing on the weekends, or juggling a traveling schedule.

 

So, of course, we took a hit in the income department. No complaints...I did it because my priorities were different from just thinking only about the bottom line, but now I am scorned in general conversation if I bring up anything referring to increased costsI'm sorry. I learned a while back to shun all discussions IRL of finances and the economy. I literally do not talk about this stuff with people in the flesh. This has had the interesting side-effect of people in church seeing us as more "private" people and as such, we don't get asked nearly as many nosey questions as other couples. That's actually a great positive! :D

 

Faith

[SKL]

If you communicate that you are happy with your choice, and your family has what it needs, why should anyone judge? But on the other hand, why would this come up at all if you're apparently happy with your choice?

 

In my world, the only time something like that would be mentioned would be if someone was complaining, making excuses, or asking for help.

 

I love the idea of being able to bring in meaningful bucks by working 4-12s per month. I am a partner in a small business, so I have the opposite problem - working 7 day weeks and sometimes not bringing in anything in real time. It's tempting to "retire" from this life at times! There's nothing virtuous about working more hours.

[newlifemom]

I understand completely. I am on an extended sabbatical from my music career. It interfered too much with homeschooling and family life in general as I was either teaching students all afternoon and most evenings and then performing on the weekends, or juggling a traveling schedule.

 

So, of course, we took a hit in the income department. No complaints...I did it because my priorities were different from just thinking only about the bottom line, but now I am scorned in general conversation if I bring up anything referring to increased costsI'm sorry. I learned a while back to shun all discussions IRL of finances and the economy. I literally do not talk about this stuff with people in the flesh. This has had the interesting side-effect of people in church seeing us as more "private" people and as such, we don't get asked nearly as many nosey questions as other couples. That's actually a great positive! :D

 

Faith

 

 

 

Just do me a favor while you are on sabbatical, write! I am going to say, "I knew her virtually when . . ." :D

 

FTR, I am your #1 fan, and could potentially become a stalker. :tongue_smilie:

[dakarimom5]

I completely understand how you feel! I get that comment as well as, " You would have more money if you didn't have as many kids." My response is to ask which child I should get rid of and how do they suggest I do it. That usually shuts people up. My tirade on materialism and the degradation of society usually shuts them up too!;)

[Nakia]

If you communicate that you are happy with your choice, and your family has what it needs, why should anyone judge? But on the other hand, why would this come up at all if you're apparently happy with your choice?

 

In my world, the only time something like that would be mentioned would be if someone was complaining, making excuses, or asking for help.

 

I love the idea of being able to bring in meaningful bucks by working 4-12s per month. I am a partner in a small business, so I have the opposite problem - working 7 day weeks and sometimes not bringing in anything in real time. It's tempting to "retire" from this life at times! There's nothing virtuous about working more hours.

 

As I already stated in my op, we are not complaining or asking for help. Some people are just rude and for some reason have no filters! Maybe I live in a different world or something.

 

I completely understand how you feel! I get that comment as well as, " You would have more money if you didn't have as many kids." My response is to ask which child I should get rid of and how do they suggest I do it. That usually shuts people up. My tirade on materialism and the degradation of society usually shuts them up too!;)

 

Just when I think people can't be any more rude, I read something like that. That is awful!

[*********]

Nakia, I know exactly what you're talking about.

 

I have an, um, very close relation that has, in the past, repeatedly suggested that perhaps I'd like to find a part time job working a few nights a week. The 'suggestions' stopped once I responded with 'ok, so which of my current responsibilites are you volunteering to take over? Surely you're not suggesting that I'm lazy, or that I have so much extra time I don't know what to do with myself, so I may as well fill that extra time with a evening job?'

 

Our extended family is a bit different. They won't come right out and say anything about me not working (by which I mean, earning income). It's just the constant 'So when are you going back to school?'. It used to be 'So when are the boys going to school?', but I think they've all given up on that dream, lol.

 

It's as though people think we're just lucky that my dh makes enough for me to stay home and have an 'easy life' or something. Um, no. We make sacrafices. We prioritize. And if you think being a homemaker and homeschooling are easy, you've clearly never tried it!

[SKL]

And the other side of it is when people say, "it must be nice . . . ." Well, yes, it IS nice. That's why I worked to make it happen. Is there a problem???

[twoforjoy]

I never talk about money issues, because I teach one or at most two classes each semester, and I know "work more" would be suggested. Nevermind that figuring out what to do with three kids while I "worked more" would end up costing us whatever money I'd be making, and probably more.

 

I think people don't realize sometimes that you just want to vent, and aren't looking for them to solve your problems.

[LDolphy]

I appreciate this thread today. It's nice to have others get irritated when made to feel like you don't do anything while home.

 

My situation is a bit different. I would love to be able to stay home full time with the kids. But we've chosen to purchase family land, which dictates that I need an income, at this point anyways. One can always hope that dh suddenly gets a huge raise at work!

 

So I work half time and stay home with my kids, 4 and 3. I've been homeschooling them and both are reading and excelling through kindergarten math and love making projects and science experiments. I get crap at work about what could I possibly be doing when I don't ever work. WTH! I'm always justifying my role in the company and that I accomplish my work when I am here.

 

I don't want to work more to make more! I want to be with my family! I don't get why people don't understand that. Or at least respect it!!!!

[DusksAngel]

12 hour shifts are so much different than what an 8 hour one is too. I remember Mom working them when she first became a nurse. It also takes time to recover from them. :grouphug:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Anytime I mention my dh isn't getting enough hours to certain family members, they ask why aren't we getting government assistance :glare: These are the same family members who want to know why we can't homeschool for free, and have the school give us the materials :glare: I have learned not to discuss it with people unless I'm willing to hear their opinion.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sometimes printing out people's pictures and drawing all over them helps. :D

[Parrothead]

I've stopped saying that I/we can't afford something. I found that apparently it sounds better to people if I say something along the lines of "That isn't in the budget this month."

 

Another one that is good is, "We've spent all our budgeted discretionary funds. I really hate to dip into savings for something as trivial as ___."

 

And tone plays a huge role in talking about not being able to do whatever. If one can make it sound like the person one is speaking to is nuts for wasting money doing whatever they generally tend to decide that one is right and they don't want to do whatever anymore. :D

 

Ideally one makes is sound as if one has the money, but one is to much of a tightwad to spend it. It isn't really lying. It is self-preservation.

Edited October 10, 2011 by Parrothead

[eternalknot]

I'm lucky to have the kind of job where even working full-time, I still only work 12 days each month. I choose not to work full-time, so most of my neighbors and acquaintances are surprised to hear I even HAVE a job LOL.

 

I think if you're comfortable with your decisions, it's as easy as this: "We could {do x, have y}, but our choices reflect our current priorities." The wordier version would add: "It's a definite trade-off, but we're committed to it and we'll continue to find creative ways to make it work!"

 

Unsolicited opinions are always out there, but I've noticed that they seem to be more free-flowing when a certain vibe is present (real or imagined) -- along the lines of SKR's first post to the thread. Maybe your peers are projecting based on a vibe they perceive. Maybe it's like the stay-at-home mom who can't complain to her working friends about being home all day, or the homeschooling parent who can't share a bad day with non-homeschooling friends. You do have other options, maybe those that have less financial flexibiliy are just not the right crowd to compare cost of groceries and what-not with. (Might make for a quieter shift!)

[nono]

I think the problem is, overall, you're too nice of a person.

 

Because I say things like you outlined, and no one yet has suggested I go back to work. (and I do nothing for pay outside the home) Most likely, it's because I'm not that nice of a person, and people are probably thinking it, but afraid to say it to my face. ;)

 

So, I think you should go pat yourself on the back for being a nice woman. Or, you may enroll in the Nono School of Sharp-Tongued Retorts*. Your call. :D

 

 

*Thinking of trying to recruit justamouse to expand my business model based on her reply to this thread!

[Stratford]

Wouldn't it be nice if more people would just smile, nod, and keep their opinions to themselves?

 

From one prn RN to another, I feel your pain. Sometimes I think that people who aren't in healthcare don't understand the physical/emotional toll that a 12 hour shift entails. I took the "work every weekend" route when I switched from full time a couple of years ago. Huge pain in the rear to be gone every weekend, don't do it. Seriously. It's been really difficult to spend all week at home, doing homeschool, watching the kids, doing all the housework, etc. and then go to work all weekend. It's like never getting a day off.

 

Good job on doing what is right for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

Stratford, I worked every single weekend for 9 years, until 2 years ago. I just couldn't do it anymore. Well I could have but not if I wanted to continue to homeschool and maintain my sanity. :)

[scrappyhappymama]

I've stopped saying that I/we can't afford something. I found that apparently it sounds better to people if I say something along the lines of "That isn't in the budget this month."

 

Another one that is good is, "We've spent all our budgeted discretionary funds. I really hate to dip into savings for something as trivial as ___."

 

 

We use this line a lot. My husband is a PA, so he makes decent money. BUT, we are still a one income family, with four kids and massive school loan debt. And we are coming off of four months of unemployment, have just moved (which is not cheap) and are still paying for two houses. And even once we do get all caught up again, we are working to get our debts all paid off so we can attack the school loans with a fury. So we don't have a lot of discretionary income lying around. Whatever discretionary income we do have is usually spent on activities for the kids and books, which just happens to be our priorities right now, not what other people think we should spend out money on.

 

Regardless, if we say we can't afford to do something, or that it is not in the budget, especially to certain family members or acquaintances, we often get the "OK, *Doctor,* whatever." We definitely do not make a doctor's income at all, but you know what? Even if we did, people need to mind their business!

 

Sorry to vent all up on your post! But yes, people can be very rude sometimes! They don't know your particular family dynamic, and even if they did, they should still butt out.

[FaithManor]

I've stopped saying that I/we can't afford something. I found that apparently it sounds better to people if I say something along the lines of "That isn't in the budget this month."

 

Another one that is good is, "We've spent all our budgeted discretionary funds. I really hate to dip into savings for something as trivial as ___."

 

And tone plays a huge role in talking about not being able to do whatever. If one can make it sound like the person one is speaking to is nuts for wasting money doing whatever they generally tend to decide that one is right and they don't want to do whatever anymore. :D

 

Ideally one makes is sound as if one has the money, but one is to much of a tightwad to spend it. It isn't really lying. It is self-preservation.

 

 

AWESOME! :D

 

Faith

[Penny_P]

On-call RN here, too. I work about 3 nights a month. It pays for the health insurance my dh's work doesn't pay for. It doesn't sound like much, but getting a nap in the day before and any sleep the day after totally kills me with ds1 around. I try not to mention it to other employees, and since I float no one knows me very well. Otherwise I usually get an eye-roll and a "must be nice." Well, I cut coupons and drive a decrepit car, and I homeschool. I make the choice to live frugally.

[Anne in CA]

I agree with Nano, clearly you are too nice. No one says those things to me either. If my mom ever suggested that staying home is not work, even hinted at it, she would not like the answer she got, and she knows it:lol:.

 

My sister was annoyed about our family only having one bathroom the last time she visited. Oh well, I told her we could have bought a new bathroom instead of taking the kids on safari to Africa, but I'm glad I have my priorities straight. She rolled her eyes, but that is the closest any family has come to giving me a hard time about only working here and there.

 

If you need something to tell your mom next time, it would be my pleasure:D.

[elegantlion]

I've stopped saying that I/we can't afford something. I found that apparently it sounds better to people if I say something along the lines of "That isn't in the budget this month."

 

Another one that is good is, "We've spent all our budgeted discretionary funds. I really hate to dip into savings for something as trivial as ___."

 

And tone plays a huge role in talking about not being able to do whatever. If one can make it sound like the person one is speaking to is nuts for wasting money doing whatever they generally tend to decide that one is right and they don't want to do whatever anymore. :D

 

Ideally one makes is sound as if one has the money, but one is to much of a tightwad to spend it. It isn't really lying. It is self-preservation.

 

:iagree: Change your wording. We're beyond broke, we're taking comotose to a new level in our activities, but only some people know that. I'm sure some people feel like we're snobs because we phrase it differently. :D

 

I can't do that this week, Oh, that's sounds fun, I'll have to catch you next week though, those type of phrases give you the power. It's not because your broke, it's because you chose to direct your finances in a different manner.

 

I can't imagine working 6-8 12 hour shifts and homeschooling full time.

 

The pay cut things bites and yes, I'd probably be complaining openly about it. Sanity is priceless. ;) though.

[Nakia]

And the other side of it is when people say, "it must be nice . . . ." Well, yes, it IS nice. That's why I worked to make it happen. Is there a problem???

 

I am seriously not trying to argue with you, and I do get what you are saying. I'm sure it would be annoying to hear that "it must be nice" from people all the time too. In fact, we heard that when we saved up and took our girls to Disney World several years back. So, I get it. But I am not lamenting about our life to people, not at all. This happens in every day conversation. It's like I'm not allowed to say that the price of milk has gone up without hearing that crap. It IS only around certain people, not everyone I know; it's mainly people at work. They have no idea what my life is like. On the outside I look like some lucky lady whose husband is making big bucks while I sit at home all week playing house.

[Nakia]

This is the first time in my life I have ever been accused of being too nice. :lol:

[Nakia]

On-call RN here, too. I work about 3 nights a month. It pays for the health insurance my dh's work doesn't pay for. It doesn't sound like much, but getting a nap in the day before and any sleep the day after totally kills me with ds1 around. I try not to mention it to other employees, and since I float no one knows me very well. Otherwise I usually get an eye-roll and a "must be nice." Well, I cut coupons and drive a decrepit car, and I homeschool. I make the choice to live frugally.

 

Yeah, I rarely even try to sleep. I can barely sleep at night, much less during the day. A nap is unheard of. But hey, who's complaining? :lol:

[photomo]

It seems to me that you are putting family first and not the all mighty dollar. Good for you. It sounds like if you needed to absolutely come up with more money you would pick up more hours. Don't let what other people say bother you!! Just use selective hearing and ignore those comments.

 

 

I get the same responses as you but I flat out told my mother the other day that I am choosing to spend more time with my daughter and I am willing to cut back and not do things or buy the newest item out there if It means I get to spend more time with my child because they grow up too fast and you can't get that time back.

[Impish]

I am seriously not trying to argue with you, and I do get what you are saying. I'm sure it would be annoying to hear that "it must be nice" from people all the time too. In fact, we heard that when we saved up and took our girls to Disney World several years back. So, I get it. But I am not lamenting about our life to people, not at all. This happens in every day conversation. It's like I'm not allowed to say that the price of milk has gone up without hearing that crap. It IS only around certain people, not everyone I know; it's mainly people at work. They have no idea what my life is like. On the outside I look like some lucky lady whose husband is making big bucks while I sit at home all week playing house.

I hear you.

 

Believe it or not, I've heard the 'must be nice' comment...about being on Worker's Comp! Seriously!

 

Some twits think that this was a retirement plan or something insane. Yes, I gave up 80% (or more) use of my dominant hand/arm, and deal with severe chronic pain, as a freaking retirement pkg.

 

Boneheads.

 

I've flat out told ppl that I'd rather have my arm fully functional and be pain free, and go back to working six days a week, have an open future than any amt of cash.

 

Blows my mind how money focused some ppl are.