Set bedtime for a preteen?

[ktgrok]

My son has always had a bedtime. I always had a bedtime. However, as he ages less and less of his friends have bedtimes. Several of his new homeschooled friends are up chatting on the computer, or texting until the wee hours of the night. His phone and computer are set to shut off automatically at 11pm right now, and it was earlier during the school year. This is of course frustrating, and probably embarrassing, to him when his friends are chatting and he has to stop. However, letting a preteen stay up half the night seems crazy to me. His bed time during the school year is 10pm, which seems normal, perhaps even late, to me. My husband doesn't get home from work until about 7pm, often later, and goes to work later in the morning, so we sleep later than many people. The baby gets up at 7:30 about, sometimes 8am. My husband gets up between 8:30 and 9:30am. I try to have breakfast ready for him, so we don't start school until 10am at least. He does like to play with his friends in the afternoon, after they get out of public school, so he likes to have his work done by then. (he isn't allowed to go out and play until it is done.)

 

So....he's angry all the time about this. He has Asperger's and this is one of his obsessions now. ugh. I really want to work on our relationship this year, and bonding. That is more important to me than most things for the coming year. So I'm struggling with this....i don't think children need to be up that late, but on the other hand I don't want to provoke him to anger when in all honesty, he really can sleep until 9am if he chooses, or even 9:30, without it effecting much.

 

So....any thoughts? When do you kids go to bed at this age? And how much sleep do you think they need at this age? Everything I read says 8-9 hours, but that seems too little to me.

[Nakia]

My soon-to-be 11 year old goes to bed around 9 or 9:30 and sleeps until around 8. I see no need for her to be up any later, unless of course we are out late or doing something special. No way would I allow her to be up, even until 11, chatting online. Actually she doesn't chat online anytime. She does text, but not past 9. I have found that kids this age will try and test us, push us, and just generally try and see what they can do. They need firm boundaries. The teen years are just around the corner. :D

[AngelBee]

My son needs 10 hours a night. He is 11.

 

However we set "bedtime" mutually and based on how he can handle himself and getting up. We have a set wake time.

 

Editing to add NONE of my children are in bed before 11pm. We own a dance academy and classes run until 830/930pm. By the time we get home, have a snack, wash up, teeth, etc......it is 11pm.

Edited August 21, 2011 by AngelBee

[Lolly]

I think you are going to get very varied responses.:D

 

Teens seem to fluctuate a lot in how much sleep they need. One week, they will need the regular 7-9. The next, they will need 16 hours a day. One fairly constant thing in teens is that their biological clocks seem to rotate a bit. They start wanting to stay up later and sleep in longer. Maybe it is time to talk with your ds and decide what would be reasonable. Discuss what has to be accomplished in a day and by what time. Go over that getting up later will mean that the school day will not be over until later and tht means less playtime in the afternoon. I think moving his computer time to 11 during the school year, or maybe even 12 in your circumstances, could be reasonable. He should still be able to get up by 8:30 or 9. (Just be aware that there may be weeks where he is going to do nothing but sleep! He is still a bit young for that though.;)) If he doesn't manage to get his work done or gets grumpy (after a little adjustment period), the time goes back to 10.

 

My kids are a bit older, they go to bed when they wish. That can be anywhere from 8-who knows. They usually go to sleep around 11 or 12. (Unless they have early morning swim practice, then they try to get to sleep around 9)

Edited August 21, 2011 by Lolly

[BMW]

Since my husband has to get up at 4am and since his job is physically dangerous, I do not allow teens to be roaming around the house after 9pm.

 

Middle schoolers, or ages 10-13, have had to have lights out at 9pm, all bathroom needs, etc. taken care of by then...

 

High schoolers have to be in their rooms, and ages 14-16 have to have lights out by 10pm, but have to have bathroom needs (brushing teeth, showers) finished by 9pm (because of dh's schedule... their bathroom in right against our bedroom wall). Once they are older than 16, I don't tell them when to turn off their lights, they just have to be quiet.

 

This is true even for the summer, unless I am up with them staying up late...

[Splash]

My kids are in rooms at 9, lights out at 10

[Dobela]

UP until this year ds has had a 10 pm bedtime. He slept until 8 and all was fine. However, puberty is hitting and he needs way more sleep so we moved it back some nights to 9pm.

[regentrude]

My 12 y/o does not have a set bedtime and has not had one for many years. He self regulates. Breakfast is at 7am, school starts at 8am. He is usually up at 6am, goes to bed on his own around 10pm. Sometimes later. On weekends, he knows that he does not have to get up in the mornings, so he stays up late - this morning till 1am, he slept till 9am. I don't think I ever had to wake him for school.

[Pretty in Pink]

My ds is about to turn 13. He is allowed to hang out downstairs with his father and me until 9 p.m. most nights (we watch a more 'grown up' television show together like 24 or Deadliest Warrior -- something that his younger brothers can't watch). Then he goes up to his room and works on something quiet until 10 p.m. He sleeps until 8, sometimes 9, a.m.

[zaichiki]

I chose a time on the poll, but I *also* checked other b/c we're not very consistent about it. Just tonight we finally sent him up about half an hour after his bedtime. Then we let him read with the lights on for another half-hour. (We're *really* inconsistent on days when dh is working late. If he's bugging us or we're tired, we REALLY stick to the bedtime.)

[elegantlion]

At 11 his bedtime was 10pm. We started school about 10:30 a.m. that year. He'd sleep until 8:00-8:30. On Friday & Saturday he doesn't have a bedtime. In summer we usually wanted him in bed no later than 1 a.m., mostly he'd crash out about 11:30.

 

He needs about 9-10 hours of sleep to operate normally.

[TheAutumnOak]

My son will be 11 in about two weeks, and he is in his room by 8:30, lights out at 9...He usually gets up around 7:30 or 8 and we start school around 9, after breakfast and rabbit chores...He also shares a room with his brothers, so this is the same for them as well...

[LaxMom]

The kids are in bed by 8:30 at the latest. They can read until 9 or 10, though, depending on what the next day has.

 

Under no circumstances would I allow them screen time late at night, though. That does things to your brain that adversely affects sleep.

[Joker]

My 11 and 9 yr dcs are in bed at 8:30 and dh reads to them until about 9:15. They're asleep by about 10. We're up at 6:30 because older dd is going to middle school and needs to leave by 7:30.

[swellmomma]

My kids have set bedtimes. My almost 13 yr old and just turned 12 yr old are normally sent to bed btw 9-930 but some nights like tonight at still up at 945 because we are finishing up a movie.

 

They will continue to have set bedtimes until around 16 or so. At that point as long as they are going to bed at a reasonable hour and can get up as expected in the morning I will not determine the time itself.

[joannqn]

My 11 year old must be in her room by 9pm with lights out at 9:30pm.

[Pamela H in Texas]

When I started middle school, my mom let me decide when to go to bed. I still had to get up and go to school though, of course. I pretty much did the same with my own kids. Preteen years are a great time to let them experiment with trying to get their needs met.

 

Anyway, so though I might set a wake up time; I'd consider dropping the bedtime. Of course, part of this may be with the understanding, if you're worried about it, that you can go back to requiring a certain bedtime if they show over a fairly long period of time that he cannot or will not regulate in a healthy manner. That way you can change it back should he consistently not get enough sleep, get up at a decent enough time, is grumpy as all get out, etc. But you'll want to give him time to work it out on his own before reverting back.

 

BTW, we did revert back with my son the first time.

[Peela]

As a preteen, yes, they had set bedtimes- but it was all just part of the routine and it wasn't a big deal.

One they were in early teens - yes, it became a big deal and once it did, I stopped controlling it.

If its a big deal...maybe you can allow your son to go to bed when he is ready. But if having him sleep in is inconvenient to you, have a getting up time instead. DH doesn't like the kids sleeping in on weekdays so he gets them up even if they dont have much on, even in holidays....about 8am.

There really does seem to be something hormonal around adolescents needing to stay up later and sleep in. Once i surrendered to it, it was fine. The kids do regulate themselves pretty well and catch up on sleep on the weekends if they have too many late nights.

[Elizabeth in WA]

My children have a 10 PM bedtime year round, although they are occasionally allowed to stay up later on a Friday or Saturday night. That seems late to me, but gymnastics practice ends at 8PM every weeknight for ds13 and a few nights a week for dd9. By the time they eat and unwind, I have found that attempting a bedtime earlier than 10 PM is not successful.

 

I do not, however, enforce any lights out. My ds15, who is an Aspie, reads all night at least once a week, sometimes as often as every other night. The others will read really late on occasion as well. They are required to get up the next morning, however, and not act grouchy and that acts as a check on the others. I don't think staring at the ceiling all night is at all mentally healthy, so would have to medicate ds15's insomnia if I did not allow him to read as late as desired. As long as he functions well during the day, I don't see that as preferable. I do not allow texting, internet or any other activities besides reading after bedtime. I'd say no screens, but they do read on kindles.

[Tap]

I don't have set bedtimes for any of my kids because I know I won't enforce them. LOL

 

Ds16 is in college full time... he is on his own to go to bed and get up. I will give him a shake if I notice it is past time that he is usually up on a certain day, but it is in no way my responsibility.

 

Dd12 goes to bed around 10....lights out about 11 during the school year (private school). She gets up about 7:30 and that seems to work for her.

 

During the summer, she has stayed up until 4am or later (or would that be earlier LOL) and woke around 2pm many, many days. I am always up past midnight so I don't mind her being up late. She reads and does crafts, sometimes she is on my computer, but not always. She loves the wee hours of the morning (just like me) and is a natural night person.

 

 

Dd4 goes to bed by 10pm-ish, usually closer to 9:30 unless we have company, then it is later. She gets up around 8am.

 

 

DD4 is my Aspie. The thing that is hard for me, is that if I allow something one time with her, she makes it a permanent option. ie I once to her to the park after school, now, every.single.time I pick her up, she asks to go to the park. I have to be very, very careful about what I allow into her schedule. It doesn't matter if it is something fun or not fun, she will still ask for it.

 

She asks to go the park, grocery store, lake, and out for dinner....every single time I pick her up from school. And then throws a fit, because we need to go home instead.

 

If your Aspie is like this.....I wouldn't let him alter his bedtime. LOL

If he can have occasional privileges, then maybe allow some summer freedom or weekend freedom and see how he does with that. Then move on from there.

 

In our house, we make things work for us. I don't make arbitrary rules, there must be a reason for me to enforce something. Just because most other people go to bed at xyz time, doesn't mean we have to, as long as we are honoring our commitments.

[NanceXToo]

My daughter will be 11 in October and she doesn't have a set bedtime as in "you must be in bed by 9 PM on the dot every single night"- if she seems tired or whatever, I very well may tell her to go to bed at 9 and that she can read a chapter and then go to sleep.

 

Other times she may stay up later watching a movie with us or just chatting, or quietly playing a computer game.

 

Most nights she's definitely in bed before 10, other times she stays up late just hanging out with her dad.

 

Is she allowed to just stay up as late as she wants playing video games or something though? No.

 

She usually sleeps til between 9 and 9:30 AM.

[amy g.]

My middle daughter will be 13 in October. she does not have a bedtime. she does have a list of schoolwork and chores to do each day.

 

Since she is mature enough to get her work done, she is mature enough to choose when to go to bed.

 

On the other hand, I might have to start micromanaging my 15 year old if he doesn't improve his time management skills.

[PiCO]

letting a preteen stay up half the night seems crazy to me...

 

So....any thoughts? When do you kids go to bed at this age? And how much sleep do you think they need at this age? Everything I read says 8-9 hours, but that seems too little to me.

 

I think pre-teens need to schedule 10 hours of sleep. Any less on a regular basis, and my kids have trouble getting up in the morning. Sometimes they will need less than 10 hours, but that's probably the average for my kids.

 

I don't think it's healthy for kids to stay up at night texting and messaging on the computer. Maybe once in a while for a treat if that's what all their friends do, but on a regular basis that's rediculous. I had my dds text their late-night friends to stop it.

[LisaKinVA]

8pm is quiet time (reading)... 9pm lights out. If he's particularly grumpy (overly-tired), it's lights out at 8. Growing children need their sleep, and our school day starts at 7am. I can't re-arrange the family's schedule based upon his personal preferences in the evening.

[nowimscrappin]

My 11-year-old has a flexible one during the summer, but around 9pm during the school year, except nights he has baseball until 8 or later because it just takes longer to get in the bed.

 

My 14-year-old is 10pm.

 

Even though they get up on schedule as needed, I still think its up to us to help them make the right decisions regarding sleep - they won't go to sleep early most of the time, unless forced, because they are teens and teens don't always make the right decisions, but they will certainly sleep if we make them try.

 

No computer time or cell phones after 9pm so there is no texting or chatting that late. I have a friend who "tried" to put a limit on that, but then bought her daughter a "smart phone" that she also listens to her music on, so she lets her keep it, only to find posts on Facebook (or being woken up by her talking on the phone) well after 1am. I told her to get a separate iPod to listen to music in the room and take away the communication device.

[Elinor Everywhere]

8pm is quiet time (reading)... 9pm lights out. If he's particularly grumpy (overly-tired), it's lights out at 8. Growing children need their sleep, and our school day starts at 7am.

 

This is how we do it, too. My son is an early-to-sleep, early-to-rise kind of kid (he gets up at 5:30 - 6:00), and my dd WOULD be late-to-sleep, late-to-rise if I let her. She will normally not fall asleep until around 9:30-10:00, even if she goes to bed at 8:30. She usually reads for an hour or so. But our school starts early, and she has to get up 6:30, so I keep her bedtime relatively early in case she's tired and needs to crash.

[SailorMom]

I think it really depends on the child - but when my DC turned about 12 we started letting them set their own times.

They had to be respectful of us (old folks going to bed :) ), and the TV and computer/games could not be on past about 8:30. But if they chose to read or study after that, they could.