Do I Keep My Mouth Shut? Or tell the TRUTH?

[Bang!Zoom!]

I was married into a family that never told the truth about anything.

 

I have a bitter view of creating illusions around grown adults, I think it's wrong to participate in.

 

In my relationship now, if I were to discover any sort of that thing going on again, I'd up and leave and end the relationship.

 

I will never be part of anything like that again. Never.

 

If these were my shoes, I'd speak up, and do it with honest love and concern.

 

He's a grown man, he can handle it.

 

Pure honesty and trust in all things.

[serene]

I would not keep this from DH. It may cause him pain but he may be very angry that you didn't tell him, and feel like you were taking FIL's side. Protect your marriage, not DH's relationship with FIL.

 

Also, if FIL had affairs, whatever, he's a grown man and it's his choice. And it's also DH's choice to not have a relationship with him any more.

 

I would ask myself how I would feel if DH and I switched places....and I would definitely want to know the truth.

 

It's not an easy situation, any way you look at it!

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:I say tell your dh, sooner rather than later. He trusts you, do you really want to do anything to change that?

[SweetBean]

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

:iagree:

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like you dh already has his suspicions. I think secrets within a marriage can be pretty damaging. I would probably tell him.

 

My DH and I don't keep secrets from each other. I would be more upset that my spouse kept the secret, than I would about its revelation.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Just one more thing...

 

If FIL was a player (with or without consent of his wife)- he is probably very accustomed to keeping clean lines of deception and guards who knows what.

 

The fact that he gave you permission, he knows that you could see this..could be his way of manipulating YOU into breaking the news to your husband rather than doing it himself.

 

You might be getting played here. Be careful.

[Mama Geek]

I was put in a situation by my MIL of either keeping a secret, or telling Wolf something that would hurt him.

 

I was angry and deeply resentful, torn btwn protecting my dh and lying to him by omission.

 

He knows me too well, and knew his mother had done something completely inappropriate. I told him the position she put me in, and that I didn't want to tell him b/c it would only hurt him, but that I never kept secrets from him and didn't know how to manage this situation.

 

A few mths later, he asked me to tell him what it was. He said he'd rather deal with another hurt from her than her coming btwn us and putting me in a position of keeping something from him.

 

Different situation, I know, but I understand the feeling of being torn.

 

Maybe this would be a good way to handle it. Tell your husband that you discovered something that will likely hurt about his folks and see if and when he wants to know what it is.

[Dina in Oklahoma]

:iagree: If my husband kept a secret from me about my own mother or father, I would feel doubly betrayed by him.

 

Also, what happens if FIL lies to OP's husband in his letter? Then OP is part of the lie if she does not come forward.

 

Lisa

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[SailorMom]

I vote for the truth.

He'll probably find out anyway, and the hurt of you keeping it from him may be worse than the actual situation.

Hang in there.....

[Murphy101]

Just one more thing...

 

If FIL was a player (with or without consent of his wife)- he is probably very accustomed to keeping clean lines of deception and guards who knows what.

 

The fact that he gave you permission, he knows that you could see this..could be his way of manipulating YOU into breaking the news to your husband rather than doing it himself.

 

You might be getting played here. Be careful.

 

That was my first thought too.:glare:

 

I'd tell dh the situation of how I found the emails and show them to him and let him decide how to handle it. I'd say the secret was weighing on me and I didn't want secrets between us.

He is a grown man and doesn't need protected from feelings.

I would keep my mouth shut tight as fort Knox about my opinions on the situation or how he should handle it. Nothing but sympathy and support. And I'd never ever mention it again if dh didn't want me to.

[Julie in CA]

I don't have time to read all of the other responses, so please forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else has said.

 

I would contact FIL, and if possible, meet him for coffee somewhere. If that were not possible, the conversation would have to take place via email, letter, or phone. During the conversation I would tell him that I'd seen the emails and was disturbed by what I'd read. I would probably say that I was disappointed that he'd not chosen to remain faithful to MIL until her death, and that I knew my dh would be upset when he found out. I would tell him that the best thing he could do now is be honest with dh, and try to find the correct words to describe why he'd entered into another relationship before his wife had passed away. I would not make an issue of whether I'd tell dh or not, because the unspoken assumption would already be that it would be in the open via FIL/DH's eventual discussion.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would tell him. I think your husband deserves the truth, and it should come from you. I don't know how he'll feel about you keeping it from him, but the longer you keep it from him the worse he'll feel about it.

[KungFuPanda]

The OP read someone else's email. My money is on her telling what she saw there.

 

I think there is a reason we see this situation in older people. They've been married forever and don't know HOW to function alone. They could bow to the pressure of people 30 years younger (and living in a houseful of people) giving them advice and ultimatums, but at the end of the day they're the ones who have to return to a lonely house. You just never know about someone else's marriage, or someone else's heart. You want to tell a senior citizen to wait a 'respectable' amount of time? They're OLD. They KNOW life is short. His WIFE just died. He's just had a great big dose of Life is Short. He's not married anymore and his private life should be kept private (even if he's not tech savvy enough to lock down his email account). It should be enough that he loves his son and his son loves him. Their whole relationship shouldn't be defined by the circumstances of the mother's death.

[PiCO]

That e-mail was not meant for your eyes. Forget you ever saw it, and don't tell anyone. Be an adult.

 

My dh died from cancer. He was sick for quite some time before he died. He wanted me to start dating and get re-married ASAP, and I would have wanted the same for him. Do you know for sure that FIL and MIL did not have that conversation? Would your MIL have wanted FIL to suffer alone for a long time while pining for her? (That would be kind of twisted.)

 

Everyone grieves in different ways. Just because someone starts dating ASAP (or ealier...) or does not want to deal with the ashes... does not mean they are not grieving. In the case of a long illness, a lot of grieving happens before the loved one actually dies.

 

Don't assume you know what grief should look like for everyone. And don't hurt the children of MIL by "being honest"- it's not in their best interest, because they are grieving also.

[PiCO]

I would be honest with your dh. Secrets will eventually get out

 

Only one person knows the "secret" in this case. If people find out FIL is dating, she doesn't have to say she read e-mails that were not intended for her and knew before everyone else.

[lvbnhome]

I kept reading your post....and thinking...this is non of your business..:001_huh:

[Mimm]

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

 

:iagree: I would tell him about the email if the letter is a lie. I would be infuriated if my husband kept something from me about MY father and let my father lie to me and didn't tell me the truth. I deserve to know the truth and to make a decision about my relationship with my father with as many of the puzzle pieces as I have access to. And it sounds like your husband suspects the truth anyway. And I say this as someone whose father is a pathological liar and adulterer.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: short term: i'd say to dh.... "i did something i shouldn't have done, and now really wish i hadn't. i was on the computer and read some of your dad's email. now i know things i wish i didn't know. the question is, do you want me to tell you? if it were me, i would want you to tell me, but there will be no joy in the telling or the hearing." - because my relationship with my dh is the most important thing.

 

long term: i wouldn't ever read someone else's email ever again. and i'd encourage dh to keep the door open in his relationship with his dad.... forgiveness is so hard because it mostly isn't just for the easy problems....

 

and then i might let dh read this thread to hear all the different experiences and thoughts that have been shared. there is a wealth of experience, hurt and wisdom shared here.

 

:grouphug:

ann

ps. i might also toss into the short term discussion that i think there's a fair chance that fil did it on purpose, so that i would tell dh and he wouldn't have to.

[reign]

My husband would want to know. I would want to know too so I really hope he would tell me. I think it really depends on the person though. Some people would prefer not knowing. The hard part is figuring what your husband would want.

[starwarsmomma]

well- since I have gone through this with my own family, more than once... let it go.

 

Let his mothers passing be a peaceful memory.

Let his father introduce the "new" woman in his own way-- a way that will be appropriate.

 

Let your husband deal with the death not the feelings of his fathers betrayal.

 

 

IF it comes out, it comes out. Just don't get involved.

 

The DAY my aunt buried her 1st husband, she was letting another man move in (her eventual 2nd husband). His funeral was only over by about 3 hours.

 

My grandparents were swappers. Yuck. But true. When one of the husbands died, my grandfather divorced and married my grandmother, one month after the funeral. (my kids do NOT know the history-- too confusing for them to understand. and gross.)

[WishboneDawn]

I kept reading your post....and thinking...this is non of your business..:001_huh:

 

:iagree:

I think that's the clearest post here.

[Jann in TX]

My dad remarried less than one year after my mother died of breast cancer. He was 45yrs old.

When my mother was still alive she ENCOURAGED him to start looking at other women-- she knew he did not belong alone and she was right.

 

My dad was reclusive in the weeks immediately after my mother's death-- not a good thing. A few months later he began to date a widow he knew from church. They married a few months later and have been HAPPILY married for the past 23 years (my parents were married 25 years before my mother died).

 

My parents had a beautiful relationship--it was shocking to some that he dated so soon after my mother's death--but again SHE had encouraged him!

 

Personally you do not know the whole story. If your FIL is happy then BE HAPPY FOR HIM... he has to continue living-- his first wife is dead and he was probably in mourning well before she died. Don't look at this relationship as an automatic sign of disrespect. Look at it as a beautiful testament to his relationship with his first wife-- perhaps (like in my dad's case) the relationship was so good that he KNEW he did not want to be alone--and there is no 'magic' time (such as waiting at least one year to be proper) to mourn.

 

It it what it is. He is an adult and it is NONE of your business and your disgust can cause a lot of unnecessary strife in your family.

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the whole secrets within a marriage thing. :confused: As a rule (there are exceptions), I do not tell my dh things that my gfriends confide in me and he does the same. Of course we occasionally struggle with the whole gossipy, need to know like most people do, but we try to be really respectful of friendships and confindences (Proverbs anyone?) In this situation, the note should not have been read. Personally, I wouldn't say anything at all at this point.

[Audrey]

I, too, hope the letter tells the truth. If it were me, I'd stay out of it. You weren't meant to see the emails, and probably shouldn't have read them. I'm not trying to chastize by saying that. I probably would have read them, too. My point in that really is that it wasn't information meant for you, so I think you should keep it to yourself. It isn't a matter of anyone's safety, and your FIL should have his chance to come clean first.

 

If he doesn't... well, that's where it become difficult. If it were me, I'd still stay out of it, unless FIL starts to twist things to manipulate people or if he starts trying to talk down about MIL. If your FIL was seeing this woman while your MIL was still alive, then that is his wrong-doing, but it isn't a betrayal of you or your dh. It is a betrayal of your MIL and the matter is between them (or in this case your FIL's conscience) and their god, if they have one.

 

Things can go very wrong very fast when you have to be involved in family secrets. It's almost never a smooth outcome, and almost never a happy one, either.

 

I am very sorry you are having to deal with any of this.

[Impish]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the whole secrets within a marriage thing. :confused: As a rule (there are exceptions), I do not tell my dh things that my gfriends confide in me and he does the same. Of course we occasionally struggle with the whole gossipy, need to know like most people do, but we try to be really respectful of friendships and confindences (Proverbs anyone?) In this situation, the note should not have been read. Personally, I wouldn't say anything at all at this point.

Well, in the situation I mentioned, the secret was about my dh, and his adoption. It was something the directly involved him.

 

SpecialMama and I are best friends. I don't share her confidences w/Wolf. Simply put, they don't effect him or our marriage in the slightest.

 

Someone deliberately putting me in the position of telling me something hurtful about my dh and expecting me to keep it from him is a completely different ballgame.

[Lolly]

 

Someone deliberately putting me in the position of telling me something hurtful about my dh and expecting me to keep it from him is a completely different ballgame.

 

Who deliberately put her in a position? She was supposed to be sending an email using her deceased mil's email account. She opened emails that she had no permission to open and read them. Perhaps fil did not realize they were there. Perhaps he thought he had used his own email. Maybe he thought he deleted them. Maybe he just plain forgot they were there. She found out information that she most likely was not supposed to see.

[Impish]

Who deliberately put her in a position? She was supposed to be sending an email using her deceased mil's email account. She opened emails that she had no permission to open and read them. Perhaps fil did not realize they were there. Perhaps he thought he had used his own email. Maybe he thought he deleted them. Maybe he just plain forgot they were there. She found out information that she most likely was not supposed to see.

I referenced my previous reply, and said that's what I was referring to, since I was in a similar situation of knowing something that would hurt my dh and keeping a secret from him.

 

 

This isn't a friend of hers she has info about. This is about his parents. That makes a big difference, imo.

[Lolly]

I referenced my previous reply, and said that's what I was referring to, since I was in a similar situation of knowing something that would hurt my dh and keeping a secret from him.

 

 

This isn't a friend of hers she has info about. This is about his parents. That makes a big difference, imo.

 

Ah, I misunderstood. :tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

Ah, I misunderstood. :tongue_smilie:

No problem :001_smile:

[blessedmom4god]

I would tell my husband, because I could not keep a secret like that from him. I would hate to do it and hate that I came across that info. It will come out at some point and he would probably be hurt to know you didn't tell him.

[tex-mex]

I would tell my husband, because I could not keep a secret like that from him. I would hate to do it and hate that I came across that info. It will come out at some point and he would probably be hurt to know you didn't tell him.

I agree.

 

I have to confess I am leaning in this direction -- however, not right now. Hubby is still raw with emotion with the loss of his mother and now all of this. Hubby has long suspected there has been another woman in the picture for many years and he beleives his mother knew nothing of it. However, he thinks it is one particular woman -- but I read evidence it was not her but a completely NEW woman we never heard or knew about. (That is my dilemna and the reason I posted here. But ironically is also good news as the other woman we suspected of a long term affair with FIL also had a terminally ill spouse. Hubby was furious this affair would tear apart two families. Hoo boy.)

 

After 25 years of marriage, I don't keep secrets from my husband. I would feel horrible keeping it from him forever and horrible having to tell him what I uncovered.

 

Many good advice from you all. I do appreciate it.

 

I have to apologize for not coming back earlier -- I started the thread on our iPhone while at in-law's place. Came home (11 hour drive) a few days ago and our computer's hard drive fried. Tried to multi-quote all of the wonderful and wise replies to answer personally... but for some reason, I timed out of the iPhone and the message was lost. :glare: It has been one of those seasons we all go through and I am trying to stay positive. (And still trying to finish the last 10 lessons in TT Algebra I -- it got postponed due to MIL's hospice and funeral. And I still need to FINISH the last unit in ABEKA's Biology book -- so I can sell it to another WTM'er. Super stressed out right now. Aiiyyeee.)

 

We are at the public library and using the PCs to finish TT and finally get a chance to log on and thank you all so much. I had no one to vent to and it really was good to see the spectrum of opinion. If you can, keep my hubby in your prayers. :grouphug:

 

ETA: No letter thus far. And FIL calls about 2-3xs a week and hubby replies back politely -- but there is so much bottled up emotions from both of them you can slice it with a knife.

Edited August 22, 2011 by tex-mex

[Scarlett]

I agree.

 

I have to confess I am leaning in this direction -- however, not right now. Hubby is still raw with emotion with the loss of his mother and now all of this. Hubby has long suspected there has been another woman in the picture for many years and he beleives his mother knew nothing of it. However, he thinks it is one particular woman -- but I read evidence it was not her but a completely NEW woman we never heard or knew about. (That is my dilemna and the reason I posted here. But ironically is also good news as the other woman we suspected of a long term affair with FIL also had a terminally ill spouse. Hubby was furious this affair would tear apart two families. Hoo boy.)

 

After 25 years of marriage, I don't keep secrets from my husband. I would feel horrible keeping it from him forever and horrible having to tell him what I uncovered.

 

Many good advice from you all. I do appreciate it.

 

I have to apologize for not coming back earlier -- I started the thread on our iPhone while at in-law's place. Came home (11 hour drive) a few days ago and our computer's hard drive fried. Tried to multi-quote all of the wonderful and wise replies to answer personally... but for some reason, I timed out of the iPhone and the message was lost. :glare: It has been one of those seasons we all go through and I am trying to stay positive. (And still trying to finish the last 10 lessons in TT Algebra I -- it got postponed due to MIL's hospice and funeral. And I still need to FINISH the last unit in ABEKA's Biology book -- so I can sell it to another WTM'er. Super stressed out right now. Aiiyyeee.)

 

We are at the public library and using the PCs to finish TT and finally get a chance to log on and thank you all so much. I had no one to vent to and it really was good to see the spectrum of opinion. If you can, keep my hubby in your prayers. :grouphug:

 

ETA: No letter thus far. And FIL calls about 2-3xs a week and hubby replies back politely -- but there is so much bottled up emotions from both of them you can slice it with a knife.

 

:grouphug: