Yet another s/o: Wearing makeup/doing hair to make yourself feel better?

[melissel]

First, please know that I'm asking because I want to understand and explore a little further, not because I'm challenging anyone. This is something I've long wondered about, and responses in Lisa's thread reminded me that I've been wanting to ask about it here.

 

I often hear (or read) women say that they dress carefully/wear makeup/spend time on their hair/have things like Botox done etc. because it makes them feel better about themselves and NOT because they care what other people think. I'm not sure I understand how this can be the case. If you truly have no care at all for what other people think when they see you, why would any aspect of your appearance matter? For example, if I apply makeup before going out of the house, I can't see or feel that makeup, so I don't see how it's making ME feel better unless I feel it improves the way I come across to the rest of the world.

 

Can you help me understand the mindset?

[Denisemomof4]

sure. I definitely feel that some people judge me at, say, the local homeschool group because I'm mostly the only one who ever puts on make-up. I also always do my hair and put in earrings. It's ME. I feel HAPPY when I do this. I've been doing this since I was in middle school. Do I see how I look when out, no, not unless I'm clothes shopping and looking in a mirror. But if I feel happy about my appearance before I leave, I'm happy the entire time I'm out.

 

When I've had bad hair days, I just feel off the entire time I'm out.

 

Last weekend I went out on a date to a wine festival with dh. I dressed nicely, put on make-up, did my hair. But when I remembered that I forgot to put on my earrings (if I forget to put on earrings OR my rings, normally I'd just turn back home to get them. We were too far away for this!) I somehow felt off all day. I've LOVED earrings and had to ask permission NUMEROUS times before my parents agreed to allow me to pierce mine. I once had over 100 pair of earrings. Again, this is just me.

 

Looking at all I've typed, you'd probably think I'm some high maintenance person. I'm not! But I like to have make-up on (and not too much), hair done (looking nice without spending 20 minutes on it!) and decent clothing. Sometimes I laugh at myself as I'm out in the barn mucking stalls with all my jewelry on.

 

I'm a country/farm gal at heart, but that part of me that grew up in the suburbs of San Francisco will always feel better when I get myself made up.

 

So I think people judge those of us who actually do put time into our appearance, too. I still do what I do to make ME feel better.

[arghmatey]

I don't believe the people who feel the way you describe put too much thought into it. Maybe they think, "I feel better when my skin looks even than when it looks splotchy", "I feel more comfortable with myself when my hair is shiny and smooth than when it's a tangled mess", "I feel more confident when my breasts are supported with a bra than when I'm bra-less with saggy breasts".

 

BTW, my hair is usually a tangled mess, I mostly don't wear any makeup, and I don't wear a bra. On the other hand, I do sometimes wear mascara and lip gloss for date night. I don't feel better (because I don't feel bad about my appearance in the first place) or worse based on how I look, but I can understand why some people do, especially if they are down about other elements of their life.

 

ETA: When I said "especially if they are down about other elements of their life", I did NOT mean I think this is requisite to caring about how you look.

Edited August 15, 2011 by arghmatey

[Denisemomof4]

I also wonder if make-up and a great style are more popular depending on the area you live in. When I worked in San Francisco, MOST people wore nice clothing, styled their hair, wore at least some make-up. In NH, most people don't. When I visit friends in NJ and NY, most women do. KWIM?

[melissel]

sure. I definitely feel that some people judge me at, say, the local homeschool group because I'm mostly the only one who ever puts on make-up. I also always do my hair and put in earrings. It's ME. I feel HAPPY when I do this. I've been doing this since I was in middle school. Do I see how I look when out, no, not unless I'm clothes shopping and looking in a mirror. But if I feel happy about my appearance before I leave, I'm happy the entire time I'm out.

 

When I've had bad hair days, I just feel off the entire time I'm out.

 

Last weekend I went out on a date to a wine festival with dh. I dressed nicely, put on make-up, did my hair. But when I remembered that I forgot to put on my earrings (if I forget to put on earrings OR my rings, normally I'd just turn back home to get them. We were too far away for this!) I somehow felt off all day. I've LOVED earrings and had to ask permission NUMEROUS times before my parents agreed to allow me to pierce mine. I once had over 100 pair of earrings. Again, this is just me.

 

Looking at all I've typed, you'd probably think I'm some high maintenance person. I'm not! But I like to have make-up on (and not too much), hair done (looking nice without spending 20 minutes on it!) and decent clothing. Sometimes I laugh at myself as I'm out in the barn mucking stalls with all my jewelry on.

 

I'm a country/farm gal at heart, but that part of me that grew up in the suburbs of San Francisco will always feel better when I get myself made up.

 

So I think people judge those of us who actually do put time into our appearance, too. I still do what I do to make ME feel better.

 

Denise, you sound so much like me, which I think is why your other posts really spoke to me. I'm earring obssessed too, and feel naked without them. They're pretty much the only jewelry I wear these days, as my wedding ring is too tight and I kept injuring the kids with my engagement ring. And I feel weird without at least eyeliner on :lol: Thankfully, though, I don't think we have the same judgment issues you have WRT to who wears what makeup in our social circles. Then again, that could just be because most everyone is like me--clean clothes and a tiny bit of makeup (or none) is the norm.

 

I guess I still wonder though--Do you (any of you, not just Denise) feel strange walking around the empty house without makeup? Or do you only feel weird if you feel "unkempt" around others?

[forty-two]

For me, "doing hair" means detangling and using a comb to put it up, instead of throwing it up sans combing. And besides looking nicer, combed hair *feels* better than tangled hair, and the resulting updo is more comfortable. Making sure to wash my face and brush my teeth likewise feels better than having an unwashed face and unbrushed teeth. Plus, taking the time to look nice *by _my_ standards* does good things for my mental health - I'm in a far better frame of mind when I get ready in the mornings than when I don't. I don't do much, but what I do matters quite a bit to me. If others choose to do more to achieve the same feeling, I can understand why.

[forty-two]

I guess I still wonder though--Do you (any of you, not just Denise) feel strange walking around the empty house without makeup? Or do you only feel weird if you feel "unkempt" around others?

I don't do make-up, but I do feel off if I don't do my morning routine - hair, face (washing), and teeth. I just feel much better about myself if I get ready for the day, even if I don't go anywhere.

[melissel]

I don't believe the people who feel the way you describe put too much thought into it. Maybe they think, "I feel better when my skin looks even than when it looks splotchy", "I feel more comfortable with myself when my hair is shiny and smooth than when it's a tangled mess", "I feel more confident when my breasts are supported with a bra than when I'm bra-less with saggy breasts".

 

I think you're right. I was a women's studies major, so we had a lot of discussions about things like this. Women would swear up and down that they didn't do things to their appearance because of what others think, but isn't much of what we do, appearance-wise, because of what others would think? Why iron your clothes before you go out of the house? Wrinkly clothes aren't smelly or holey--they're just wrinkly. Why powerwash your house if you aren't worried about the neighbors' opinions? Dirty siding isn't unhealthy or dangerous--just unsightly.

 

KWIM? I know people have strongly held beliefs over this kind of thing (some of those class discussions could really escalate!), and I'm just trying to see their point of view separately from my own feelings on it.

[Momling]

I also wonder if make-up and a great style are more popular depending on the area you live in. When I worked in San Francisco, MOST people wore nice clothing, styled their hair, wore at least some make-up. In NH, most people don't. When I visit friends in NJ and NY, most women do. KWIM?

 

I wonder if it's regional too... People in my social circle rarely (if ever) wear makeup. My mother or grandmother never wore makeup. Is it a pacific northwest thing? It just seems normal to me. But I understand in business contexts it's probably more common. And in some places (the south? the east coast?) it's more common too.

[Parrothead]

Well, just as those who don't/can't understand why we do bother, I don't/can't understand why one doesn't.

 

I've never given it much deep thought as to why. I know I enjoy those aspects of being a girl (woman). I like that I can wear a bit of lace. I like being feminine. I enjoy the process as well as the results. I do it for me and no one else.

 

Do I care what other people think? No, not really. If I cared I'd be really upset about how so many people here think it is vain or sinful or detrimental to world peace or useless to take time with my appearance. If I cared I'd try harder to fit in with the every-day-I-must-wear-jeans-and -a-tee-shirt crowd.

 

I suppose ultimately I get dressed in more than stained baggy tees, do more than slap a pony in my hair, and use more than soap on my face for no other reason than because I can.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Parrothead

[melissel]

I don't do make-up, but I do feel off if I don't do my morning routine - hair, face (washing), and teeth. I just feel much better about myself if I get ready for the day, even if I don't go anywhere.

 

I can totally see this. I don't believe humans NEED showers every single day--in fact, I think they're probably not that great for our hair and skin. Yet, if I skip showering and/or brushing my teeth (sometimes I forget, if we're in a hurry :001_unsure:), I feel horrid about my whole day!

[arghmatey]

I wonder if it's regional too... People in my social circle rarely (if ever) wear makeup. My mother or grandmother never wore makeup. Is it a pacific northwest thing? It just seems normal to me. But I understand in business contexts it's probably more common. And in some places (the south? the east coast?) it's more common too.

 

Maybe. I can't think of any of my friends who don't almost always look very put-together. I used to put a lot more effort into it, but I've re-prioritized several times since then.

 

My mother always has groomed hair and is made up.

[joannqn]

When I see myself well-dressed with my hair and makeup done, I feel confident and able. It affects my mood for the rest of the day even if I don't see myself in a mirror.

 

When I'm having a really bad day (especially when leaning towards depression), I'll have a do-over. I'll jump in the shower and wash/condition my hair well, shave carefully, etc. Then I'll spend plenty of time carefully tweezing my eyebrows, styling my hair, putting on makeup (when I could still wear it), and getting on nicer clothing. It always makes me feel better.

 

It falls under the same category of getting dressed for success even when you work at home. You are more productive when properly dressed than in pjs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can't speak to make-up because I have allergy/sensitivity reasons why wearing make-up actually makes me feel worse;) But I do know that if I wear an outfit that looks particularly flattering (which is more difficult when you are overweight) then I go around the house singing "I feel Pretty! Oh so pretty!" while my family rolls their eyes at me.:D

[melissel]

Well, just as you (OP) don't/can't understand why we do bother, I don't/can't understand why one doesn't.

 

I never said I don't understand why you bother. I wear eyeliner, mascara, and lip color most days. I obsess about my hair, wear jewelry, and shave/exfoliate/tweeze. That wasn't my question at all.

[Parrothead]

Sorry, Must be my own hold over from the other threads.

[joannqn]

I can't speak to make-up because I have allergy/sensitivity reasons why wearing make-up actually makes me feel worse;) But I do know that if I wear an outfit that looks particularly flattering (which is more difficult when you are overweight) then I go around the house singing "I feel Pretty! Oh so pretty!" while my family rolls their eyes at me.:D

 

:iagree: Right down to the makeup sensitivity. It makes me feel foggy-brained. And finding flattering clothing when you are overweight. :glare:

 

But instead of singing "I feel pretty", I put on some older music and start dancing around and singing. My kids look at me like I'm nuts.

 

ETA: oooh! I just thought of something. We could plan a get together and sing and dance together in front of the kids! (insert evil grin here)

[twoforjoy]

I was a women's studies major

 

I was, too! Well, a double major in English and women's studies.

 

Just wanted to say that.

[arghmatey]

Well, just as you (OP) don't/can't understand why we do bother, I don't/can't understand why one doesn't.

 

I've never given it much deep thought as to why. I know I enjoy those aspects of being a girl (woman). I like that I can wear a bit of lace. I like being feminine. I enjoy the process as well as the results. I do it for me and no one else.

 

Do I care what other people think? No, not really. If I cared I'd be really upset about how so many people here think it is vain or sinful or detrimental to world peace or useless to take time with my appearance. If I cared I'd try harder to fit in with the every-day-I-must-wear-jeans-and -a-tee-shirt crowd.

 

I suppose ultimately I get dressed in more than stained baggy tees, do more than slap a pony in my hair, and use more than soap on my face for no other reason than because I can.

 

Most of my skivvies are lacy and / or racey!

 

Also, I do not ever wear stained clothes, and I don't own a single pair of sweats. Until recently, I didn't even own a tee shirt. We are VERY messy every day with crafts and baking, and my hand-washables became impracticable and impossible for me to keep up with.

 

I think there are so many interesting points of view on this topic. I've always been very confident about my appearance, yet I've had many different looks that I've shared with the public--high-maintenance ice queen to yummy mummy to who knows what else. LOL

[melissel]

I also wonder if make-up and a great style are more popular depending on the area you live in. When I worked in San Francisco, MOST people wore nice clothing, styled their hair, wore at least some make-up. In NH, most people don't. When I visit friends in NJ and NY, most women do. KWIM?

 

I think its partly regional and partly social circle. Maybe age-related too? I live in NJ, and in my particular social circle, most of the women wear little to no makeup. Then again, most of the people in my social circle have kids 8 and under and are neo-hippies :lol:

 

Now when I think about my best friend's social circle (public school, slightly more affluent area, slightly older), I feel that many more of the women are more put-together. Then again, I've only met most of them at events and lightly organized get-togethers, so there may be more of a tendency to pay more attention to appearance in those cases. I'm probably not exactly comparing apples to apples.

[MrsMe]

Perhaps if you think of it this way as an example: would you feel better laying in pj's no teeth brushed, faced washed or would you feel better if these things were done? That's a simpler way to put it.

 

I feel better when I dress and have make-up on. I feel more awake and much better about myself, than if I had sweats on all day. There are some days where I just take the day "off" I shower, do my hair and just want to be comfy in sweats, but can count on one hand in 1 year I had a day that I ever wore sweats all day. If so, I had a matching shirt.

 

I have a neighbor who always wears cut off sweats and mens t-shirts no makeup and hair just up in whatever and she goes places like this. :001_huh: Her dh complained that he wanted her to look nice. She complained. IMO, it wouldn't take much to put on women's clothing and at least do the hair. It doesn't have to be all out, as I know many look fantastic without a stitch of make-up, but geez, in this case she could only go up in looking nicer. I'd hate to have my dh look like that all day. Also, what does it portray to kids when mom looks like a schlump all day?

Edited August 15, 2011 by alilac

[LarlaB]

First, please know that I'm asking because I want to understand and explore a little further, not because I'm challenging anyone. This is something I've long wondered about, and responses in Lisa's thread reminded me that I've been wanting to ask about it here.

 

I often hear (or read) women say that they dress carefully/wear makeup/spend time on their hair/have things like Botox done etc. because it makes them feel better about themselves and NOT because they care what other people think. I'm not sure I understand how this can be the case. If you truly have no care at all for what other people think when they see you, why would any aspect of your appearance matter? For example, if I apply makeup before going out of the house, I can't see or feel that makeup, so I don't see how it's making ME feel better unless I feel it improves the way I come across to the rest of the world.

 

Can you help me understand the mindset?

 

I enjoy having things look cared-for...

 

Yes-I like seeing myself 'put together' when I see my reflection in the mirror. Its a reminder to me that I am caring for myself/my body- something that has become more important to me since having children. Early on, I realized I needed definition between being their mother and still being an individual- that my personal needs are just as important as caring for my family. I still believe that, and like the ritual of taking the time to prepare for the day instead of just sliding into it. For me, self-care shows a healthy pride & value in oneself- not just appearance, but nutritionally, physical exercise/strength & overall intentionality.

 

Incidentally, I prefer to have my house power-washed because *I* don't like seeing dirt/mold on my house. Some people really do prefer neat, attactive & obviously cared-for environments.

[melissel]

Sorry, Must be my own hold over from the other threads.

 

Heh, I did that yesterday myself. No worries, you made good points in your post, and I appreciate your perspective.

 

I was, too! Well, a double major in English and women's studies.

 

Just wanted to say that.

 

Stop it!!! Mine was women's studies and political science. I had big plans...until I actually WORKED in politics my senior year. English would have stood me in much better stead! It's funny, I started to say in the other thread that you're one of the posters here I'd love to meet IRL. I find myself nodding and saying, "Yeah!" to the vast majority of your posts. You don't happen to live in NJ, do you? :lol:

 

Most of my skivvies are lacy and / or racey!

 

You know, you bring up an excellent point here--most of my skivvies are cotton and comfy. I have lacy/racy ones, but I only wear them for...utilitarian purposes :D I can't imagine wearing them every day; I'm simply not comfortable in them, and since no one sees them (usually), I figure, why bother? But those are very much something you'd wear simply for how they'd make you feel, rather than how you'd be seen. That's a great metaphor for the whole issue. I'll have to think more about that!

[twoforjoy]

Stop it!!! Mine was women's studies and political science. I had big plans...until I actually WORKED in politics my senior year. English would have stood me in much better stead! It's funny, I started to say in the other thread that you're one of the posters here I'd love to meet IRL. I find myself nodding and saying, "Yeah!" to the vast majority of your posts. You don't happen to live in NJ, do you? :lol:

 

I don't, but I grew up there. My WS degree is from Rutgers. :)

[Veritaserum]

For me I think there is a ritual aspect to taking time to take a shower, brush my hair and teeth, put on cute clothes and a little make-up, etc. I feel ready to meet my day when I have done those things. I don't wear make-up every day (like today), but I do wear mascara, concealer, and lip gloss a few days per week. When I catch a glimpse of my reflection, I like seeing my best self. When I present myself to others, I like them to see my best self. I feel more respectful of myself and my body when I make the very little effort to present it well. I also receive more respect from others when I look nice.

[mytwomonkeys]

i prefer to look semi-put together. i rarely stay in my pj's beyond my coffee time. i like to have make-up on, although it's not a lot, it makes me feel better (mascara, chapstick & a little eye concealer). my hair is very straight & plain, but i like to keep it clean and brushed. i enjoy earrings too:) i'm not high maintenance by any means, but to say my appearance doesn't matter to me would be inaccurate. for *me* it is part of taking care of myself.

[melissel]

Perhaps if you think of it this way as an example: would you feel better laying in pj's no teeth brushed, faced washed or would you feel better if these things were done? That's a simpler way to put it.

 

That analogy doesn't work for me, actually. I wash and moisturize my face because it's itchy and greasy if I don't, and I brush my teeth because my mouth feels nasty if I don't, and it's not fair to breathe in people's faces with monster breath all day long. Otherwise, yes, I love to spend my days in PJs. I won't wear them out of the house, because I think it's inappropriate, but again, for me that's an appearances thing and not a personal comfort thing. Inside the house, I get way more done in stretchy cotton pants and a t-shirt than I do in other clothing, because I feel more comfortable.

 

As for the rest of your post, I'm afraid I can't agree. I do think that if a husband makes a request like that of his wife, then yes, she should consider how she might be able to accommodate him without making herself miserable, but then again, I also think my husband should take out the garbage and recycling without my asking him every single time and put the recycling IN the recycling bin, not on top of it, and put his single dishes in empty dishwasher, not in the sink. These are all requests I've made from him that he complains about or ignores, and they are things that drive me nuts on a daily basis, but because I love him the way he is and he's a fabulous guy otherwise, I live with them. If someone's appearance is a breaking point in a marriage, then there are most definitely other issues at play.

[melissel]

OK, now you're freaking me out. That's where I went! Do I know you and not realize it?

 

I need to clean out my PM box :auto:

[Parrothead]

Most of my skivvies are lacy and / or racey!

 

Also, I do not ever wear stained clothes, and I don't own a single pair of sweats. Until recently, I didn't even own a tee shirt. We are VERY messy every day with crafts and baking, and my hand-washables became impracticable and impossible for me to keep up with.

 

I think there are so many interesting points of view on this topic. I've always been very confident about my appearance, yet I've had many different looks that I've shared with the public--high-maintenance ice queen to yummy mummy to who knows what else. LOL

Yeah.

 

I'm not crafty and don't do messy crafts with or without dd. I do bake during 3 seasons of the year. But I wear an full apron if I'm in more than PJs while I'm making dough.

 

I also more often than not have the June Clever look (sans pearls and hose) going on under the apron. And I may not even leave the house that day.

[Julpost]

Interesting thread, wish I had time to read all the posts.

 

For me, I tend to dress down and more casual because that's what most women do where I live. I still wear makeup and do my hair because I can't stand not to. However, when I visit family in the deep south....I ALWAYS and I mean it, ALWAYS, wear full make up and really do up my hair. I usually end up w/bright red nails by the end of the trip. If I don't do this, I feel like a frump compared to everyone else. But I also really do like to get dolled up. It makes me feel young again and I just look a lot better. It takes more time too and since I'm on vacation....I have that time! :-)

 

I have also noticed as I get older, I need to work on my appearance more. I've had a hard time coming to terms w/that. I notice older women more and make mental notes about their appearance, to help me deal w/my own reality. I tend to forget I can't do the same things that I did in my 20's!!

[twoforjoy]

OK, now you're freaking me out. That's where I went! Do I know you and not realize it?

 

I need to clean out my PM box :auto:

 

Send me a PM. Depending on when you graduated, maybe we had a class together.

[joannqn]

That analogy doesn't work for me, actually. I wash and moisturize my face because it's itchy and greasy if I don't, and I brush my teeth because my mouth feels nasty if I don't, and it's not fair to breathe in people's faces with monster breath all day long. Otherwise, yes, I love to spend my days in PJs. I won't wear them out of the house, because I think it's inappropriate, but again, for me that's an appearances thing and not a personal comfort thing. Inside the house, I get way more done in stretchy cotton pants and a t-shirt than I do in other clothing, because I feel more comfortable.

 

I'm more inclined to spend the day lounging on the couch with my laptop if I don't get dressed than get stuff done. In fact, it's 9am here. I've been up for over 2 hours but haven't gotten dressed and haven't done anything but hang out online and feed the triops (because my youngest two wanted to feed it and I needed to help them).

 

My "dressed up" look is comfort waist jeans by Lee and a cotton solid t-shirt (or similar). I have sensitivities that make me fidget like mad if I wear anything other than cotton. I miss nicer clothes and make up. Some days I look pretty hideous without make up and there's not a thing I can do about it.

[Parrothead]

 

For me, I tend to dress down and more casual because that's what most women do where I live.

I keep seeing this or something similar. I wonder how much it contributes to the thought processes of those who prefer to not do "more."

[asta]

I have a neighbor who always wears cut off sweats and mens t-shirts no makeup and hair just up in whatever and she goes places like this. :001_huh: Her dh complained that he wanted her to look nice. She complained. IMO, it wouldn't take much to put on women's clothing and at least do the hair. It doesn't have to be all out, as I know many look fantastic without a stitch of make-up, but geez, in this case she could only go up in looking nicer. I'd hate to have my dh look like that all day. Also, what does it portray to kids when mom looks like a schlump all day?

 

This is something I've wanted to say while reading ALL of these threads.

 

My mom, who was and is a beautiful, intelligent woman, consistently told my sisters and myself that we were beautiful and intelligent -- our entire childhood. All the while commenting on how unattractive she was (we look just like her), and refusing to take even basic care of herself. She had access to healthcare, but wouldn't use it. She had nice clothes, but wouldn't wear them. Her best friend was a hairdresser & was constantly doing our hair - yet half the time she looked homeless and frazzled, not letting him touch it.

 

Well, guess which lessons "got through" -- the ones that were spoken or the ones that were lived?

 

I see lots of people who struggle with the "lessons" they inadvertently learned from their mothers/parents. It isn't about make-up -- it is larger than that -- it is about (IMO) being prepared by one's parents to face 'society at large'.

 

Love it or leave it, modern societies place expectations on people: who will 'get ahead' and who will not is more often than not determined within mere seconds, and is based, yes, on appearance. Should societies be so shallow? That is not for me to judge. But it has been borne out by research.

 

There will always be outliers, just as (hopefully) there will always be 'a place where everyone can find their spot' (kind of like finding the right college), but in general? I think that people (men and women both) try to look their best in order to stay afloat in society. Small 's' society, not big 's'. If you know that there are only 2 jobs and 10 people, and you're all equally qualified... how hard are you going to try to look and feel your most confident?

 

 

a

[MrsMe]

That analogy doesn't work for me, actually. I wash and moisturize my face because it's itchy and greasy if I don't, and I brush my teeth because my mouth feels nasty if I don't, and it's not fair to breathe in people's faces with monster breath all day long. Otherwise, yes, I love to spend my days in PJs. I won't wear them out of the house, because I think it's inappropriate, but again, for me that's an appearances thing and not a personal comfort thing. Inside the house, I get way more done in stretchy cotton pants and a t-shirt than I do in other clothing, because I feel more comfortable.

 

As for the rest of your post, I'm afraid I can't agree. I do think that if a husband makes a request like that of his wife, then yes, she should consider how she might be able to accommodate him without making herself miserable, but then again, I also think my husband should take out the garbage and recycling without my asking him every single time and put the recycling IN the recycling bin, not on top of it, and put his single dishes in empty dishwasher, not in the sink. These are all requests I've made from him that he complains about or ignores, and they are things that drive me nuts on a daily basis, but because I love him the way he is and he's a fabulous guy otherwise, I live with them. If someone's appearance is a breaking point in a marriage, then there are most definitely other issues at play.

 

Then I guess there's not much I can help you with. ;)

 

Stretchy cotton pants are better than sweats that are cut off and a man's shirt. Doing things around the house compared to how one dresses is like comparing apples to oranges. I'm confused on where this came from. And probably so in that marriage there are other factors, but personally if my dh dressed like a slob 24/7 I'd complain, even if he was wonderful. It would be a turn-off.

 

You can be comfy and still look nice. Stretchy cotton pants and a woman's shirt would be a drastic improvement. You can not wear make-up and still look nice.

[justamouse]

I know I enjoy those aspects of being a girl (woman). I like that I can wear a bit of lace. I like being feminine. I enjoy the process as well as the results. I do it for me and no one else.

 

Do I care what other people think? No, not really. If I cared I'd be really upset about how so many people here think it is vain or sinful or detrimental to world peace or useless to take time with my appearance. If I cared I'd try harder to fit in with the every-day-I-must-wear-jeans-and -a-tee-shirt crowd.

 

I suppose ultimately I get dressed in more than stained baggy tees, do more than slap a pony in my hair, and use more than soap on my face for no other reason than because I can.

 

this is becoming me. Not when I was 32. Not when I was 35, but now that I'm almost 40. It could be that I have less babies, and have more time, but though that may play a part, it's not the whole.

 

I think its partly regional and partly social circle. Maybe age-related too? I live in NJ, and in my particular social circle, most of the women wear little to no makeup. Then again, most of the people in my social circle have kids 8 and under and are neo-hippies :lol:

 

I've found that to be true, too.

 

Now when I think about my best friend's social circle (public school, slightly more affluent area, slightly older), I feel that many more of the women are more put-together. Then again, I've only met most of them at events and lightly organized get-togethers, so there may be more of a tendency to pay more attention to appearance in those cases. I'm probably not exactly comparing apples to apples.

 

I've found that to be true, also.

 

I enjoy having things look cared-for...

 

Yes-I like seeing myself 'put together' when I see my reflection in the mirror. Its a reminder to me that I am caring for myself/my body- something that has become more important to me since having children. Early on, I realized I needed definition between being their mother and still being an individual- that my personal needs are just as important as caring for my family. I still believe that, and like the ritual of taking the time to prepare for the day instead of just sliding into it. For me, self-care shows a healthy pride & value in oneself- not just appearance, but nutritionally, physical exercise/strength & overall intentionality.

 

Incidentally, I prefer to have my house power-washed because *I* don't like seeing dirt/mold on my house. Some people really do prefer neat, attactive & obviously cared-for environments.

 

This is what I'm learning. First off, the habit of getting myself ready for the day mentally prepares me for the day. Taking care of myself is part of that ritual/habit, just as at bedtime, I wash my face, tone, tweeze, brush my teeth and pick at my face. :D

 

After many times of experimenting with NOT getting a shower in the morning, I've come to learn that with me, it erases that last bit of fog that lingers.

 

Why do I dress nicely and take care of my house? Because I respect the people around me. I don't think it's respectful to go around looking like heck. Maybe I'm getting old, but I really, really hate seeing boy's asses and boxers. I hate their skewed hats and the saunter. And that made me realize that if I want to be shown more respect, then I need to be respectful. So I have a standard I maintain for myself and I'm teaching it to my children. No holes. No stains. Pants up, hats straight. So yes, I get dressed for you. Not because I'm better than you, not because I may have more $ and need to show off, but because I've come to realize that all of you are made in the image of God, and I respect you.

 

We dress for church, not because we're going to be seen, but because we're participating in a ritual that deserves respect. So it has nothing to do with ME, and everything to do with it. Now, I don't expect everyone else to dress up for church. I really Do understand that there is not money in some households, but what I wonder about is where is the pride? When I was little, my neighbors didn't have much, but they had outstanding pride in what they DID have. It was more immaculate than some of the nicer houses.

 

Now I have to go get some groceries. I'm going to run and finish so I can get out fast.

Edited August 15, 2011 by justamouse

[Denisemomof4]

 

I guess I still wonder though--Do you (any of you, not just Denise) feel strange walking around the empty house without makeup? Or do you only feel weird if you feel "unkempt" around others?

 

I don't feel weird without make-up around the house IF my house is done. I can't go without styled hair AND make-up.

 

Yes, I do feel uncomfortable if I'm not "presentable" (for ME with MY idea of presentable) around people.

[simka2]

I am a visual person and I love beauty/art. So, if I look at my hands I see the potential for something beautiful or a medium for my artistic expression. Now, I bite my nails, so I really have to work hard at maintaining them if I want them to grow enough to be paintable.

 

The same applies to hair or clothes. "I" enjoy beauty. Do I do my hair in an elaborate style every. single. day? Heck no! But when I do it, I do it for me :D. Being admired by others is just icing.

 

I want to add that I pay attention to my enviroment. There are time where it is definately not appropriate for me to be drawing attention to myself. So, in those cases I will try to dress with a simple elegance.

 

Again, these are all things I do for myself...when I want to. I also go to walmart in my pajamas (late at night)! ;)

[JulieH]

I enjoy having things look cared-for...

 

Yes-I like seeing myself 'put together' when I see my reflection in the mirror. Its a reminder to me that I am caring for myself/my body- something that has become more important to me since having children. Early on, I realized I needed definition between being their mother and still being an individual- that my personal needs are just as important as caring for my family. I still believe that, and like the ritual of taking the time to prepare for the day instead of just sliding into it. For me, self-care shows a healthy pride & value in oneself- not just appearance, but nutritionally, physical exercise/strength & overall intentionality.

 

Incidentally, I prefer to have my house power-washed because *I* don't like seeing dirt/mold on my house. Some people really do prefer neat, attactive & obviously cared-for environments.

 

What she said..exactly!

[Jen in PA]

When I see myself well-dressed with my hair and makeup done, I feel confident and able. It affects my mood for the rest of the day even if I don't see myself in a mirror.

 

When I'm having a really bad day (especially when leaning towards depression), I'll have a do-over. I'll jump in the shower and wash/condition my hair well, shave carefully, etc. Then I'll spend plenty of time carefully tweezing my eyebrows, styling my hair, putting on makeup (when I could still wear it), and getting on nicer clothing. It always makes me feel better.

 

It falls under the same category of getting dressed for success even when you work at home. You are more productive when properly dressed than in pjs.

 

Every single time I have dropped my entire "beauty" routine, I have also let the house go, and my thyroid levels have turned out to be way off.... So for me, skipping lip gloss and earrings has correlated strongly with being unhealthy/depressed. I feel more together when I look together, when my home looks together, etc. I'm not saying that's right, but it is what it is.

[mrs.m]

I often hear (or read) women say that they dress carefully/wear makeup/spend time on their hair/have things like Botox done etc. because it makes them feel better about themselves and NOT because they care what other people think. I'm not sure I understand how this can be the case. If you truly have no care at all for what other people think when they see you, why would any aspect of your appearance matter? For example, if I apply makeup before going out of the house, I can't see or feel that makeup, so I don't see how it's making ME feel better unless I feel it improves the way I come across to the rest of the world.

 

Can you help me understand the mindset?

 

I think it is just an answer to give when we start to feel judged for doing things to care about ourselves. We don't want to look like we are lacking confidence so this is the reason we give to justify doing things like whitening our teeth or plucking our eyebrows. I think it's sad that we have to justify it to begin with. It should be ok to want to look nice.

 

I think there is a point where it is taken too far and self consuming. I personally draw the line at sticking needles in my face. ;) But some may find their line goes beyond that.

[Tammyla]

I feel better and get more done if I've showered, did a mini make-up and dressed for the day. My routine isn't set in stone and only takes about twenty minutes in the morning. (If I stay in my slippers and sweats...that day will waste away before I know what hit me, and of course, I'll run into someone or they'll pop-over.)

[melissel]

Love it or leave it, modern societies place expectations on people: who will 'get ahead' and who will not is more often than not determined within mere seconds, and is based, yes, on appearance. Should societies be so shallow? That is not for me to judge. But it has been borne out by research.

 

I completely agree with you. I think this is part of why I questioned how people can say that the things they do to their appearance are solely for themselves--how we present ourselves to the different societies we participate in so greatly influences how people think of us (for better or for worse).

 

I do think, though, that there's a world of difference between internalizing "I am ugly and untouchable" and internalizing "I am comfortable with who I am, in spite of what others may think" because there will always be someone out there who thinks you should do something differently (as the recent threads have shown!).

 

Maybe the people we're calling schlumps are very happy with their place in their society and don't feel the need to strive for anything different? And maybe we could refrain from calling people schlumps, the same way we'd refrain from calling people, say, high-maintenance princesses? Both judgments are unnecessary and unfair.

[angela in ohio]

I think it is just an answer to give when we start to feel judged for doing things to care about ourselves. We don't want to look like we are lacking confidence so this is the reason we give to justify doing things like whitening our teeth or plucking our eyebrows. I think it's sad that we have to justify it to begin with. It should be ok to want to look nice.

 

I think there is a point where it is taken too far and self consuming. I personally draw the line at sticking needles in my face. ;) But some may find their line goes beyond that.

 

:iagree: There is the implication (even in this thread someone posted it) that you must have problems to care how you look. :001_huh: There is definitely a holier-than-thou "I spend every single second on my family, so I can't even find a moment to shower" vibe in some local homeschool/ mothering circles I've been in. There is sometimes a contest to see who can care the least about their appearance, housework, etc., too. How do you argue with that? It's easier to find a pat answer: "It makes me feel better" seems reasonable. It's sort of liek answering, "It's what works for us" when confronted with an argument about homeschooling.

 

I do think it's true, though, too.

 

I do see myself before I leave the house (I think most people look in the mirror at least once in the morning,) and then I know how I looked the rest of the day.

 

When I went to the doctor for postpartum depression, all three times they told dh to get me to shower and get out of my jammies. There's a reason for that. I feel better when I look "presentable." I wasn't leaving my house, so no one was going to see me, but I felt better. Everyone's idea of presentable is different, so we can't judge someone else for what their level is. If mine includes makeup and earrings, so be it. It doesn't mean I have problems with my image, or that I neglect my family. It means I think about things differently than you, and that is okay.

[melissel]

Stretchy cotton pants are better than sweats that are cut off and a man's shirt.

 

According to who? Better how?

 

Doing things around the house compared to how one dresses is like comparing apples to oranges. I'm confused on where this came from. And probably so in that marriage there are other factors, but personally if my dh dressed like a slob 24/7 I'd complain, even if he was wonderful. It would be a turn-off.

 

Why? It was a request that came from a husband requiring that the wife make changes in her daily life. In order to make them, she'd need to adjust her comfort level, expend more of an effort, do something she doesn't feel is necessary, etc., and her husband is frustrated with that. My husband feels the same way about the things I asked him to do, and I am frustrated with that. You may find an unkempt appearance a turn-off. I don't. Feeling ignored and like I was cleaning up after a third child created a lot of resentment, and THAT is huge turn-off for me. However, I love him for who he is and managed to overcome those feelings. IMO, requests for a change in appearance are on the same level.

 

Anyway, this is not where I was trying to go with my question. I understand that appearance matters to different levels for different people. It matters a fair amount to me, as a matter of fact (WRT to my own appearance, I mean, not others'). I was trying to understand a separate, though related, issue.

[arghmatey]

Yeah.

 

I'm not crafty and don't do messy crafts with or without dd. I do bake during 3 seasons of the year. But I wear an full apron if I'm in more than PJs while I'm making dough.

 

I also more often than not have the June Clever look (sans pearls and hose) going on under the apron. And I may not even leave the house that day.

 

I love your words. See, I think I'm very low-maintenance, but I put on my pearls before I brush my teeth, which I do at least once a day, and floss, too. LMBO

 

I will put on lipstick and heels and an apron to bake sometimes, but it's mostly to be funny--as in, I'll text a photo to SO and say "It is so hard looking perfect and baking cakes all day!"

Edited August 15, 2011 by arghmatey

[LibraryLover]

1. I am not sure why I am participating in these questions as I am mostly a low key person when it comes to dressing and maintaining. :001_smile: 2. This is is a ****ed if you do, ****ed if you don't type of question. It seems that if you say anything about doing for yourself, you're not really, and if you say you are doing it to be presentable to the world, you care to much about what others think and/or you're vain.

 

So...my answer is 3. I really love the sound bangles makes on my wrist. It helps give some sound to applause without yelling 'Woot!" If I didn't wear them, I'd miss that nice soft clinking sound I enjoy so much. I have a 4. answer as well. I love seeing, for instance, a splash of color on others. A pretty scarf, say. A chunky loop at the neck, an artistic bit of color on the head, or interesting beaded earrings that look as if made by an artisian. I once approached a women wearing a gorgeous felted hat. The colors and patterns were so beautiful I couldn't resist asking. It turns out she was a knitter and felter and she made the hat herself. We had a 15 minute conversation in the dairy section about fiber arts, which really made my day. These things are pleasing to the eye. People are creative-- even the provocative people working the Paris runways. HUmans (and other animals) groom. Humans adorn. They play with their hair, they shave it off. Ancient Egyptians wore makeup. Jewlery, hair combs, flower wreaths etc have all been found in ancient burial and home sites. It's part of what we humans do: for entertainment, for creative outlets, to attract mates.

 

At any rate, we all should be off the hook. Who is more vain than a male peacock, really? ;)

 

Oh! Here's my Try Not to be Vain and Needy for Peer Validation 5. I have skin that tends to be on the oily side. It doesn't feel comfortable to go around all day with that. A wash, and an application of an oil absorbing gel and I'm not having to think about it. A little gloss on dry lips also looks nice and is comfortable.

 

Is it vain to put farbic over nipples, or a bit of tinted foundation over a little pimple we are sick of looking at, or maybe to tone down those broken capillaries we got from puking too much in the first trimester? Is it simply human/animal nature to want to groom and pick bugs out of our hair for each other?

Edited August 16, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Happy]

I am a visual person and I love beauty/art. So, if I look at my hands I see the potential for something beautiful or a medium for my artistic expression. Now, I bite my nails, so I really have to work hard at maintaining them if I want them to grow enough to be paintable.

 

The same applies to hair or clothes. "I" enjoy beauty. Do I do my hair in an elaborate style every. single. day? Heck no! But when I do it, I do it for me :D. Being admired by others is just icing.

 

I want to add that I pay attention to my enviroment. There are time where it is definately not appropriate for me to be drawing attention to myself. So, in those cases I will try to dress with a simple elegance.

 

Again, these are all things I do for myself...when I want to. I also go to walmart in my pajamas (late at night)! ;)

 

:iagree:

 

I love beautiful things. I appreciate making myself and my environment pleasant and lovely to look at. Am I good at it? Let's just say I'm a work in progress. :D

 

As I wrote on one of the I put on Lipstick today thread....I realized a few years ago that the image my boys were going to remember of me was of an overweight slob. I shaped up...losing 20lbs and keeping 15 off.(I could stand to lose 25 more, so I'm not a skinny thing yet.) Exercise, which I love, became a daily ritual. A touch of mascara, moisturizer, and earrings were what I did every day. I tossed out the slobby tee shirts and concentrated on getting nicer fitting ones. Some of them are the $5 jobs you buy at Kohl's, so not expensive, but pretty. A skort, nicer denim shorts, or kahki shorts in the summer. Great jeans in the winter. Decent shoes.

 

I figured out what looks great on me and I REFUSE to buy anything that doesn't. Do you know how many times I'd purchased a dress because it was on sale, not because it looked great????? Too many. :001_huh:

 

I spent most of my adult life before homeschooling as a professional photographer. With the proper hair and clothing, I can take 10lbs off a person, sometimes 20. By dressing right for my body, I look way better than I actually am. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't want to spend too much time on my looks, but I did want to make my sons and husband proud to be seen with me.

 

One last thing with all the mention of earrings. Here's a quote from a Nora Roberts novel..can't remember which one, but it seemed appropriate for this thread...

 

"Earrings are like org*sms. You can never have too many."

 

:D

[Mom-ninja.]

I think you're right. I was a women's studies major, so we had a lot of discussions about things like this. Women would swear up and down that they didn't do things to their appearance because of what others think, but isn't much of what we do, appearance-wise, because of what others would think? Why iron your clothes before you go out of the house? Wrinkly clothes aren't smelly or holey--they're just wrinkly. Why powerwash your house if you aren't worried about the neighbors' opinions? Dirty siding isn't unhealthy or dangerous--just unsightly.

 

 

 

Well, I know that *I* like the look of non wrinkly clothes. *I* like my house to not be moldy. I like how the look of neat and tidy because to me it pleases *my* eye.

 

So when I dress nicely, wear make up, do my hair, and wear jewelry it makes me happy because *I* find it pretty. If I'm wearing something I think is pretty then I'm happy. If my face looks pretty (by my standards) when I look in the mirror then I feel happy. If I look in the mirror and see my roscea, pimples, and oily nose then I don't feel as pretty and then I don't feel as happy. Is this due to cultural standards? Absolutely.

 

It's kind of like a bride looking for her wedding dress. If she is in love with a dress and loves how it looks on her and how it makes her feel, it doesn't matter what her family or friends think. It matters how *she* feels about the dress and it makes *her* feel.

 

If I wear slub clothes at home (which I do at times) then I've noticed I just don't get as much done.

 

If I get a compliment on how I look even better. Humans are social animals. We crave social acceptance....whether we know it or not. Every one of us needs acceptance from someone. Now, do I base my entire self esteem and self worth on what others think of me? No. However, it's nice to think others think I look nice.

 

When I see a woman and I notice something nice about her whether it's her clothes, shoes, hair, smile, whatever, I compliment her. It just feels nice to give and receive compliments.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Kleine Hexe

[Jean in Newcastle]

I spent the weekend looking at myself and other women in my community. I had said in another of these threads that I was on the frumpy side but now I'm not so sure. I wear neat, clean clothing that fits me. It isn't in the height of fashion but it isn't from another century either. I guess I wear "Mommy clothes" - clothes that allow me to clean the house, go to the park, run to the store and work in the garden, all without a change of clothing.

 

The only times I really feel self conscious is when I go out with wet hair. It happens from time to time that I only manage to get out of the shower and put on my neat, clean clothing before I have to dash out the door. My hair is very fine and air dries but sometimes isn't done by the time I'm at my destination. Punctuality is more important to me than having my hair finished, in that scenario.