When your kids get married, please avoid meddling in their marital relationships.

[Veritaserum]

And please avoid putting unfair burdens on them to bail you out of your own bad choices. Please avoid driving your DIL or SIL crazy by parenting your grandchildren, "worrying" about the number of children your children choose to have, asking nosy questions, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

[Impish]

Amen!

 

Sometimes, I swear, the whole 'seen but not heard' could be so well applied to certain ADULTS in our lives, rather than children! :glare:

[meggie]

I assume they're at it again? :grouphug: I'm so sorry you have to put up with that.

[Veritaserum]

I assume they're at it again? :grouphug: I'm so sorry you have to put up with that.

 

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

[Alenee]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: All I can offer are hugs and a, "you're not alone." Sooo BTDT.

[Impish]

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

Oh, for pity sakes!

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[eternalknot]

Sorry, I'm Asian so I no can do LOL.

 

All joking aside, though, I'm sorry that your in-laws are letting their issues become yours ... that's so stressful, on top of everything else a busy wife and mother has to tend to.

Edited July 28, 2011 by eternalknot
i gots good grammar

[sparrow]

:grouphug:

 

I have different troubles with my own parents, but luckily they, and my in-laws, stay out of our business. How horrible.

[meggie]

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

 

Unbelievable! Stand your ground, girl :grouphug:. What a terrible thing for them to do to you guys

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

 

So you did say "No, but thanks for asking," right?

[Cassy]

:grouphug: I feel for you, I really do.

 

As Carli said, BTDT.

 

:grouphug: again

 

Cassy

[Sputterduck]

I have already decided that I am going to be me the best MIL ever!!!

 

Unless we are still in Mexico, where it is apparently perfectly acceptable to be all over your grown son's marriage and you can even move the new DIL into your home and REALLY meddle. MUAHAHAHAHA

[Impish]

I have already decided that I am going to be me the best MIL ever!!!

 

Unless we are still in Mexico, where it is apparently perfectly acceptable to be all over your grown son's marriage and you can even move the new DIL into your home and REALLY meddle. MUAHAHAHAHA

*eternally grateful to NOT be living in Mexico*

:tongue_smilie:

[Veritaserum]

So you did say "No, but thanks for asking," right?

 

You bet, I said no. ;) Despite reassurances that "things would be better," I said that I won't have extra family members living with me again. Apparently they are in debt again. :rolleyes: Dh wants to "help" them by letting them move back in. No. Just no. I gave them three years of my sanity. That's all they're going to get. If this stuff doesn't stop, they are in danger of losing access to their grandkids.

[Xuzi]

You bet, I said no. ;) Despite reassurances that "things would be better," I said that I won't have extra family members living with me again. Apparently they are in debt again. :rolleyes: Dh wants to "help" them by letting them move back in. No. Just no. I gave them three years of my sanity. That's all they're going to get. If this stuff doesn't stop, they are in danger of losing access to their grandkids.

Tell him that's not "helping" that's "enabling". They have no reason to change if they always have your home as a "fall back" when their bad choices get them into (yet another) tight spot.

[Impish]

You bet, I said no. ;) Despite reassurances that "things would be better," I said that I won't have extra family members living with me again. Apparently they are in debt again. :rolleyes: Dh wants to "help" them by letting them move back in. No. Just no. I gave them three years of my sanity. That's all they're going to get. If this stuff doesn't stop, they are in danger of losing access to their grandkids.

Eww boy.

 

Sounds like you and dh need to have a serious sit down discussion. For whatever reason, he falls for the emotional manipulation.

[Jennifer3141]

Tell him that's not "helping" that's "enabling". They have no reason to change if they always have your home as a "fall back" when their bad choices get them into (yet another) tight spot.

 

:iagree:

 

And what on earth are they doing that they got themselves in another financial pickle after three months???

[Sputterduck]

*eternally grateful to NOT be living in Mexico*

:tongue_smilie:

 

I actually had a young man (22ish) ask me the other day about Americans not caring about family. Why? Because I moved here with only my child and not with a husband and lacking one of those, my parents. I'm 31. I'm a grown woman. That's the not the first time I've gotten that reaction. "So you came with your husband?" "No." Oh, you came with your father, then." "What!? No."

 

Then he starting talking about how a new couple generally moves in with the guys parents, because family is important. I've heard this many times. It would all make sense to me if the ILs behaved, but they don't. It's their right to tell the young couple how things should be because what do young people know about life? What do they know about raising children? And no one bats an eye. Not even the tortured young couple. :lol:

[Impish]

I actually had a young man (22ish) ask me the other day about Americans not caring about family. Why? Because I moved here with only my child and not with a husband and lacking one of those, my parents. I'm 31. I'm a grown woman. That's the not the first time I've gotten that reaction. "So you came with your husband?" "No." Oh, you came with your father, then." "What!? No."

 

Then he starting talking about how a new couple generally moves in with the guys parents, because family is important. I've heard this many times. It would all make sense to me if the ILs behaved, but they don't. It's their right to tell the young couple how things should be because what do young people know about life? What do they know about raising children? And no one bats an eye. Not even the tortured young couple. :lol:

*shudder*

Don't get me wrong. I understand that some folks thrive in that environment, and wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I'm picturing my MIL having that much power in my life...and want to set myself on fire and run screaming in the streets.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

[Sputterduck]

*shudder*

Don't get me wrong. I understand that some folks thrive in that environment, and wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I'm picturing my MIL having that much power in my life...and want to set myself on fire and run screaming in the streets.

 

I get what you mean. I had a terrible MIL.

 

It does appeal to me, though, to be able to tell my DIL, "Nurse for years. Cosleep. Discipline with firm boundaries. Organic food for my babies... I mean... your babies. Use a sling. And HOMESCHOOL." and seriously have her listen to everything I say... :sneaky2:

[meggie]

You bet, I said no. ;) Despite reassurances that "things would be better," I said that I won't have extra family members living with me again. Apparently they are in debt again. :rolleyes: Dh wants to "help" them by letting them move back in. No. Just no. I gave them three years of my sanity. That's all they're going to get. If this stuff doesn't stop, they are in danger of losing access to their grandkids.

 

Oh geez.

 

For the love of all that is holy, SOMEONE write a in law how to guide.

Rule #1: Don't piss off your daughter or son in law or they will cut off access to the grandkids.

 

Rule #2: Don't mess with your child's marriage. It's terrible of you to put them in that position.

 

Rule #3: Children are not a retirement plan. Yes if something goes drastically wrong, hopefully they will be willing to take you in if they can. But if you've violated rules 1 or 2 I wouldn't count on it.

 

Why is that so hard?!?! (Thinking I may need to give a copy of this to my own mother sometimes)

[Mrs_JWM]

And please avoid putting unfair burdens on them to bail you out of your own bad choices. Please avoid driving your DIL or SIL crazy by parenting your grandchildren, "worrying" about the number of children your children choose to have, asking nosy questions, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

Well, now I have nothing to look forward to. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

:grouphug: to you!

[Garga]

I actually had a young man (22ish) ask me the other day about Americans not caring about family. Why? Because I moved here with only my child and not with a husband and lacking one of those, my parents. I'm 31. I'm a grown woman. That's the not the first time I've gotten that reaction. "So you came with your husband?" "No." Oh, you came with your father, then." "What!? No."

 

Then he starting talking about how a new couple generally moves in with the guys parents, because family is important. I've heard this many times. It would all make sense to me if the ILs behaved, but they don't. It's their right to tell the young couple how things should be because what do young people know about life? What do they know about raising children? And no one bats an eye. Not even the tortured young couple. :lol:

 

 

I'm an only child. My parents moved me 3000 miles away from the rest of the family. So, it was just me and them my whole life. And they were so crazy-in-love that I always felt like the 3rd wheel.

 

I am used to being alone and doing things MY way.

 

I would not thrive in the above situation. At all.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Wow, I remember your other posts when you FINALLY got them out of your house. Will your DH agree to some counseling?

[gardenmom5]

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

 

 

sorry, won't work, can't move in . . . . . stand your ground.:patriot: (not really the icon I wanted, I wanted something implying reinfocements)

 

My mil lived with us for 11 months when we were first married and 1dd was a newborn. It was my house, but she treated it like her's. the. woman. is. NUTS. (she was a psych nurse. her children would tell her not to loose her keys or the staff wouldn't know her from the patients.)

 

it was so nice when she lived 900 miles away. 123ahhh

[Impish]

I get what you mean. I had a terrible MIL.

 

It does appeal to me, though, to be able to tell my DIL, "Nurse for years. Cosleep. Discipline with firm boundaries. Organic food for my babies... I mean... your babies. Use a sling. And HOMESCHOOL." and seriously have her listen to everything I say... :sneaky2:

*shiver* I barely manage my life, I can't imagine someone else's.

Oh geez.

 

For the love of all that is holy, SOMEONE write a in law how to guide.

Rule #1: Don't piss off your daughter or son in law or they will cut off access to the grandkids.

 

Rule #2: Don't mess with your child's marriage. It's terrible of you to put them in that position.

 

Rule #3: Children are not a retirement plan. Yes if something goes drastically wrong, hopefully they will be willing to take you in if they can. But if you've violated rules 1 or 2 I wouldn't count on it.

 

Why is that so hard?!?! (Thinking I may need to give a copy of this to my own mother sometimes)

Ha! My MIL is perfect *choke* *wheeze* *gasp* It wouldn't apply to her.

[Sputterduck]

I'm an only child. My parents moved me 3000 miles away from the rest of the family. So, it was just me and them my whole life. And they were so crazy-in-love that I always felt like the 3rd wheel.

 

I am used to being alone and doing things MY way.

 

I would not thrive in the above situation. At all.

 

Me, too, except my parents weren't all lovey dovey. I will spend my own adulthood doing my own thing, TYVM.

[gardenmom5]

. :rolleyes: Dh wants to "help" them by letting them move back in. No. Just no.

.

 

please tell me he will support your refusal to allow them back and not overrule you and allow to them move back without you approval. I understand a "son's" desire to help his parents, but his FIRST loyalty and concern should be to his wife and children!

[CalicoKat]

and then I weep for dh's 97 yo grandmother who passed away this week -- completely alone.

 

No one even wants to go to the funeral because it's just too much to interrupt schedules, too much money, too much of an inconvenience. And they all loved her!

 

Dh's family is puzzled about why we're moving away from them to my family.

 

DH is the momentum behind getting us back to (my) family. It's messy, it's not always pretty, but it's better than the distance his family's managed to build and we're not even 5 miles down the road from them.

 

But then my mother and I are close despite having lived 250 miles apart for 18 years and my having attended boarding school starting at age 10 (missionary kid).

[RoughCollie]

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law, by Haywood Smith.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Twelve-Sacred-Traditions-Magnificent-Mothers-/dp/0982175604/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311874313&sr=1-2

[Crimson Wife]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My MIL had the nerve to call me yesterday to inform me that DH and I should wait on TTC a 4th child because it's SIL's turn to be pregnant. :rolleyes: She even went so far as to tell me that I should go on the Pill even though she knows we are Catholic (she is too but disagrees with the Church's teachings on contraception). :glare:

 

DH and I had just discussed the matter the night before and had actually decided it would be prudent to wait on TTC for a bit, but it was so out-of-line for MIL to offer her $0.02 on the matter.

[gardenmom5]

*shiver* I barely manage my life, I can't imagine someone else's.

 

my grandmother was one of "those" mil's. she had no life to manage, so she had lots of free time to interfere in my parents marriage and try and manage her grandchildren's lives. I committed the penultimate sin in her book - I didn't give a flying fig what she thought. drove her nuts, but there was nothing she could do . . . .

[HollyBee]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My MIL had the nerve to call me yesterday to inform me that DH and I should wait on TTC a 4th child because it's SIL's turn to be pregnant. :rolleyes: She even went so far as to tell me that I should go on the Pill even though she knows we are Catholic (she is too but disagrees with the Church's teachings on contraception). :glare:

 

DH and I had just discussed the matter the night before and had actually decided it would be prudent to wait on TTC for a bit, but it was so out-of-line for MIL to offer her $0.02 on the matter.

 

:svengo:

[Veritaserum]

please tell me he will support your refusal to allow them back and not overrule you and allow them move back. I understand a "son's" desire to help his parents, but his FIRST loyalty and concern should be to his wife and children!

 

He wouldn't move them in without my approval. He's upset that I won't agree to let them come back, though. It feels morally wrong to him for us not to take care of him. It feels morally wrong to me for two adults with adequate income to mooch off their adult child, especially since the situation was toxic to the spouse of their child. Between MIL's salary and FIL's disability, they make enough to live comfortably and put some money into retirement. The problem is, they don't budget and they don't communicate about finances. That's why they're in debt again.

 

I see very clearly that it's enabling to keep helping them, but dh just doesn't see it that way. It's a problem. :( The reality is that I cannot have them live with us AND be a happy, healthy person capable of enjoying life and fulfilling responsibilities to my husband and children. My husband and kids take priority. I wish he could see how "helping" his parents is harmful to his wife and kids. :(

[plansrme]

Gee, hope you're not in one of those states that can force adult children to support their parents...

 

http://www.elderlawanswers.com/Resources/Article.asp?ID=7666

 

:eek:

 

Terri

[Impish]

He wouldn't move them in without my approval. He's upset that I won't agree to let them come back, though. It feels morally wrong to him for us not to take care of him. It feels morally wrong to me for two adults with adequate income to mooch off their adult child, especially since the situation was toxic to the spouse of their child. Between MIL's salary and FIL's disability, they make enough to live comfortably and put some money into retirement. The problem is, they don't budget and they don't communicate about finances. That's why they're in debt again.

 

I see very clearly that it's enabling to keep helping them, but dh just doesn't see it that way. It's a problem. :( The reality is that I cannot have them live with us AND be a happy, healthy person capable of enjoying life and fulfilling responsibilities to my husband and children. My husband and kids take priority. I wish he could see how "helping" his parents is harmful to his wife and kids. :(

Would he go for counseling? Perhaps a 3rd party would help him to understand just how destructive the situation is, and how manipulative his parents are being.

[Tammyla]

Oh, shudder.:grouphug: I'm with you, no agreeing to them or anyone else living with us...

 

Yeah, I got asked this morning if they could move in with us again. :svengo: They moved out only 3 months ago, and I have been soooo happy about that. No way am I ever going to agree them or anyone else from dh's family moving in with us ever again. If I had no contact from them for 6+ months, I'd be a very happy woman.

[Veritaserum]

Would he go for counseling? Perhaps a 3rd party would help him to understand just how destructive the situation is, and how manipulative his parents are being.

 

I will suggest it, but I don't know if he'll go for it. :-/

 

And those filial responsibility laws? *shudder*

[Impish]

Gee, hope you're not in one of those states that can force adult children to support their parents...

 

http://www.elderlawanswers.com/Resources/Article.asp?ID=7666

 

:eek:

 

Terri

That's disgusting.

[Ohdanigirl]

I actually had a young man (22ish) ask me the other day about Americans not caring about family. Why? Because I moved here with only my child and not with a husband and lacking one of those, my parents. I'm 31. I'm a grown woman. That's the not the first time I've gotten that reaction. "So you came with your husband?" "No." Oh, you came with your father, then." "What!? No."

 

Then he starting talking about how a new couple generally moves in with the guys parents, because family is important. I've heard this many times. It would all make sense to me if the ILs behaved, but they don't. It's their right to tell the young couple how things should be because what do young people know about life? What do they know about raising children? And no one bats an eye. Not even the tortured young couple. :lol:

 

I think this is hard for most Americans to understand. When you see it, it's through American eyes, so you see it differently than those involved. I straddle both cultures and have had a hard time in the past balancing the two. When you have a mixed marriage, it can really put some strain on the relationship, but I guess that is a whole other thread:tongue_smilie:

[LG Gone Wild]

And please avoid putting unfair burdens on them to bail you out of your own bad choices. Please avoid driving your DIL or SIL crazy by parenting your grandchildren, "worrying" about the number of children your children choose to have, asking nosy questions, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

Hellll No! I can't wait to be monster-in-law!

[Tarreymere]

:grouphug:

 

 

I had to laugh, though, because in our family I AM the MIL, the Stepmom, the Ubermom. My parents are gone, DH's mom is in a nursing home with dementia and his stepmom is childless and still thinks she is a flower child in the sixties.

 

I try to avoid my adult, married kids (five of them) because they make me nuts complaining about their spouses and their kids. Okay, the four girls do, but the stepson never says a word. I've seen his MIL, and I think she has him under control :D.

 

I have a pretty casual, easy-going relationship with all three sons-in-law and the two baby daddies in my kid's lives. Although at times the one son-in-law in the Army who is in Iraq for his fifth tour is pretty hyper-easy to annoy at times. I think I made a comment on his facebook page like twice last year and my daughter told me that he accused me of trying to run his life :lol:

[LisaKinVA]

And please avoid putting unfair burdens on them to bail you out of your own bad choices. Please avoid driving your DIL or SIL crazy by parenting your grandchildren, "worrying" about the number of children your children choose to have, asking nosy questions, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

 

I so feel like this right now... sorry!

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My MIL had the nerve to call me yesterday to inform me that DH and I should wait on TTC a 4th child because it's SIL's turn to be pregnant. :rolleyes: She even went so far as to tell me that I should go on the Pill even though she knows we are Catholic (she is too but disagrees with the Church's teachings on contraception). :glare:

.

:lol: she reminds me of those who think they can plan their life down to the smallest detail and think life works that way. how old is she? guess she's never heard "life is what happens when you're making other plans" .. . .

[JVA]

Wow, I remember your other posts when you FINALLY got them out of your house. Will your DH agree to some counseling?

:iagree::iagree:

 

Sweetie- Get yourself the Boundaries book/s and read them together. He needs to get a grip on reality. He is first obligated to YOU and your children. Does he have a man in his life that he respects who could talk with him about this? Moving them back in with you will only enable them. I hope he sees the light.

 

Check out the book: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No--Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1311880350&sr=8-2

[lisamarie]

And please avoid putting unfair burdens on them to bail you out of your own bad choices. Please avoid driving your DIL or SIL crazy by parenting your grandchildren, "worrying" about the number of children your children choose to have, asking nosy questions, and offering unsolicited advice.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

:iagree: You must be talking about my inlaws. My inlaws keep having "discussions" with DH on how he's wasting his potential, killing himself, is a bad parent, a bad husband, etc. Not once do they ever encourage him or tell him they're proud of him. And if they do say something nice, it's always followed by a "but...." And then they wonder why we never talk seriously to them. He told them this week that he's going to law school. Unlike my parents who were super supportive and encouraging, they grilled him and left him thinking they were angry with him for doing something like that.:glare:

 

They don't think my kids are really baptized because we baptized them as kids--only adult baptism is effective. They think our church is bad because we switched from their Evangelical church to a conservative Anglican church. And on and on.

[AuntieM]

Oh, good grief.

 

But come on, Ver, down deep you were expecting this, weren'tcha? It was just a matter of time.

 

Sweetie- Get yourself the Boundaries book/s and read them together. He needs to get a grip on reality. He is first obligated to YOU and your children. Does he have a man in his life that he respects who could talk with him about this? Moving them back in with you will only enable them. I hope he sees the light.

 

Check out the book: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No--Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1311880350&sr=8-2

 

I have just finished reading (ok, audio "reading") this book and I have to tell you, it's good. I am very worried for you that your dh cannot see the terrible kind of manipulation and control they are exercising over him. It's quite cruel, and if his eyes were truly, fully opened to it, he'd be awfully hurt. But it might give him some spine in the matter.

 

I'd be giving him a copy of this book with the very clear message that it's them or you and the kids. And that you're not planning on moving out. And don't budge, not an inch.

 

I am really sorry you have to deal with this, what a colossal waste of time and mental energy. I wonder, how did the ILs survive financially while they were raising dh?

[Jenny in Florida]

Me, too, except my parents weren't all lovey dovey. I will spend my own adulthood doing my own thing, TYVM.

 

Me, three (without the lovey dovey part).

 

My father had cut ties with his family before I was born, and my mother made very sure to stay at least 2,000 miles from hers. As an only child, I have a lot of memories of very quiet, lonely holidays.

 

Ironically, although my parents more or less ignored me when I was a kid, I eventually found the only way to keep them from controlling my adult life was to push them away completely. So, now I'm the one who has no contact with her family.

 

Guess I'm upholding a family tradition, huh?

 

I always tell my kids that my very worst day as adult is better than being a kid, because at least now I have choices and control.

 

(By the way, my daughter in convinced I'm going to ge a really good grandmother, a fact that makes me extremely happy.)