lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) She came downstairs last night at 11:30 pm and said she was wondering what her China Mom looked like. (She is 7 years old. We adopted her from China when she was 13 months old). I took a deep, inner breath, pulled her up in my lap and settled in for that "talk". I knew someday she would ask about her birth mom. That there would be many questions and I wondered if I'd know how to answer them. I told her that I wondered too, but that I knew one thing. That I knew her China Mom is very pretty, because she (my dd) is so pretty. She asked questions about China. She asked questions about our skin color. Why are we different? (her and I). Then she asked the big question - "Why do people have to be adopted?" I talked about China's law about only having one child. She was really amazed at that. It felt so different looking into the eyes of my wonderful daughter and talking about that policy than it has when it was just a political reality that I have discussed with other adults. Knowing that for my daughter, she has to think that her birth Mom may have had another child and so could not/would not keep her. I talked about how some moms are really poor and can not afford to give the life they want their children to have. I talked about how brave her China Mom was to bring her to the orphanage. How there is also a law in China about not giving their kids up. That she risked getting in trouble to bring Rebecca (my dd) to a place where she knew she would be taken care of and even left a note saying when she was born and how much she weighed. Rebecca tried to hold back tears and I told her it is okay to cry. That I wanted to cry too. Then we both cried together. I asked her why she was sad and she said she felt so bad for her China Mom. I told her how precious that was for her to feel that way. I told her I feel sad for her China Mom too. It was an interesting conversation because it kept bouncing from more serious questions to more random questions. She wanted to know the science of our skin color. We looked up pigment and learned together about melanin. She wanted to see a picture of melanin, so I found one for her on Wikipedia. She talked about how "Po" (the character on Kung Fu Panda) was adopted. She asked me "Was Po really adopted by a Duck?" (she hasn't seen Kung Fu Panda 2 yet. It has some real intense scenes about Po dealing with the fact that his parents "left" him and I wasn't sure if she was ready for that yet. But she has heard from her cousins about some of the movie). We talked about Communism. She wanted to know what happens when a dictator dies. How do they replace him if they don't vote? She asked why China likes the color red, and why they think it is a lucky color. It was a strange mix of a conversation. It was interesting to see how she mixed the knowledge of science and politics in with her emotions about how she feels about adoption and her birth mother. There is a Chinese proverb that states: "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break." I've told her many times before about this proverb. I've told her that there is a red thread that ties our hearts together. That no matter what happens, that thread will never break. That I will always love her, that I will always be tied by this red thread to her. She has asked me many times before if certain things will break it, I've always told her that nothing can break it. Last night, after she had started asking me questions, but before it had gotten very deep, and before she had started crying, she asked me about that red thread again. She asked "Even if there were hundereds of scissors all trying to cut it? And if those scissors were super sharp? And what if something so sharp that it can cut through anything, even bone, will that red thread still not be cut?" I said, "no, not even then. Nothing can cut it." I thought it was so precious and sad how many tears she was crying for her birth mother. I thought, if her birth mother could see that, how much it would mean to her, how deeply it would touch her heart. I cried for my daughter. I cried because, as much as I wish I could keep the hurt away, this is not the only time she will have questions. That someday she may face the feeling of "Why did she leave me?" After it was all said and done. When I knew she didn't have anymore questions and she said she was ready to go back to bed, I carried her upstairs and snuggled in bed with her. In the dark I told her that I wanted to be sure she knew one thing. That she was right where she belonged. That God always meant for her to be my little girl. That for some reason He wanted her to be born in China. That He has special plans for her future. "Like going to DisneyWorld?" she says. :D No, bigger than that! Like special things you are going to get to do. Like how you want to invent things that no one else has thought of yet. That being born in China and having 2 moms changes who you become. That it will change how she sees things, it will change the choices she makes, it will change how she views the world and life. And that these changes make her who she is going to become. That, that is very special. That God could have caused her to be born from my "tummy", but that for some special reason, He chose for her to be born in China from her China Mommy's tummy. I wanted her to know that this is not an "oops". That this is not God's 2nd, back-up plan because the best one didn't work out. I wanted her to know she is where she was always meant to be. It was a heart-breaking and precious conversation. One that I wish she did not have to face on one hand, but one that will also be one of my most cherished memories on the other hand. It will always be close to my heart the night we cried in each others arms, and tried to make sense out of the mystery. Edited July 10, 2011 by lovelaughs_times_three Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Absolutely beautiful dear lady! As an adoptee myself, I was wishing I had been lucky enough to have the conversation you had with your dear daughter. You handled it superbly. The story of the red thread is spot on and will be something she carries with her throughout life. What a lucky young lady she is to have such an insightful, thoughtful and loving Mom. I bet her birth mother even 'felt' that conversation, it was so powerful. The search for the answer of why you are given up for adoption never really ends. It becomes a part of you just you say. Don't feel badly if answers to that question never quite satisfy. Well done Mom!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 :grouphug: What a sweetie. I love the red string! Are you keeping this somewhere for her. I imagine she will deal with those feelings many times and it might be nice for her to look back and read about the times when she talked to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BatmansWife Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I love this. It makes even me :crying: , maybe because I have a 7 year old too. I think this is very sweet and :iagree:...I think you should print this or write this down. Keep a journal about all your lovely thoughts about your dd and the things she asks and wonders about. She'll probably really enjoy and appreciate reading it when she gets older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbmom Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Your story brought tears to my eyes-how lucky you both are to have each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Absolutely beautiful dear lady! As an adoptee myself, I was wishing I had been lucky enough to have the conversation you had with your dear daughter. You handled it superbly. The story of the red thread is spot on and will be something she carries with her throughout life. What a lucky young lady she is to have such an insightful, thoughtful and loving Mom. I bet her birth mother even 'felt' that conversation, it was so powerful. The search for the answer of why you are given up for adoption never really ends. It becomes a part of you just you say. Don't feel badly if answers to that question never quite satisfy. Well done Mom!!! I can not begin to even express how much your words mean to me! I am in tears! I am so grateful to you for expressing them. You worry so much if your words are the "right" words. You know that you can not keep your child's heart from hurting, and that breaks your heart. I could not ask for a more meaningful reassurance or encouragement than the one you spoke from your heart and your experience. Thank you, thank you for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 :grouphug: What a sweetie. I love the red string! Are you keeping this somewhere for her. I imagine she will deal with those feelings many times and it might be nice for her to look back and read about the times when she talked to you. I love this. It makes even me :crying: , maybe because I have a 7 year old too. I think this is very sweet and :iagree:...I think you should print this or write this down. Keep a journal about all your lovely thoughts about your dd and the things she asks and wonders about. She'll probably really enjoy and appreciate reading it when she gets older. :iagree: I copied what I had written here into a journal on my computer. I think that's a wonderful idea. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 This is the sweetest thing I've read all week. Thanks so much for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 :grouphug: Thank you for sharing this -- it made me cry. I have a 7 year-old son adopted from Russia at 6 months old. We've told him his adoption story all along, and he's asked me similar questions. I just answer them as they come up -- that and loving and reassuring them is really all you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I can not begin to even express how much your words mean to me! I am in tears! I am so grateful to you for expressing them. You worry so much if your words are the "right" words. You know that you can not keep your child's heart from hurting, and that breaks your heart. I could not ask for a more meaningful reassurance or encouragement than the one you spoke from your heart and your experience. Thank you, thank you for sharing. My pleasure - you touched my heart too and I sincerely mean everything I wrote. I suspect you are building such a foundation of trust and openness with your daughter that it will survive any unintended miscommunications in the future (like those drat teen years!). Keep up the great work and as others have said, write it down for her too, somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warneral Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you for sharing :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 You are doing a wonderful job. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianachoate Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 wow! percious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Wow, what a beautiful story. You did such a remarkable job! My three children are all adopted, the boys we got as toddlers and my daughter was 2 days old. So far, they have really not asked any questions, but I am dreading the talk. I am especially dreading the talk with my daughter. She was a safe-surrender baby, essentially abandoned at birth and I have no idea how that's going to translate for her in her little mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheezie Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 *tears* That was beautiful. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenncslp Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 What an amazing conversation to have. My dd is adopted from Hong Kong and has Down Syndrome...I worry that she may have so many of those feelings but not be able to verbalize it. You gave your daughter a great gift by being so sensitive and open. I love it! Jenn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you for sharing. It made me cry, too. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in SW WA Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 This made me teary. We have 2 China Mommies in our family. I know exactly how you are feeling. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 :grouphug: I love the way you explained and answered your dd's questions. You are a wonderful mommy! You are both very lucky to have each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 We have had several similar conversations, except my Chinese 7 year old is a boy, so it never ends in tears, in ends with an "oh, ok, I am going to play now" and off he goes until the next set of questions comes. I often wonder myself about his birth parents. I was adopted too and wonder if my birth parents ever think of me. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Simply sweet! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 That sounds like it went so well! My daughters are both from China, 13 and 7. Despite trying my best to discuss their stories from day one, my older daughter has wanted to discuss adoption very little. My youngest is very open and blunt so hopefully it will be easier for her to process things. Communication is so important for our kiddos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Embassy Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 What a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing. Your little girl is blessed to have you for a mom.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 We have had several similar conversations, except my Chinese 7 year old is a boy, so it never ends in tears, in ends with an "oh, ok, I am going to play now" and off he goes until the next set of questions comes. :lol::lol: I often wonder myself about his birth parents. I was adopted too and wonder if my birth parents ever think of me. Dawn Dawn, I KNOW they do! I especially pray for my daughter's birth mother on her (dd's) birthday. I imagine that is one of the hardest days of the year for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel in FL Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Thanks for sharing that! My daughter is 5.5 and we talk about things occasionally but I know "the" talk is going to come one day and I'm really not looking forward to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 You handled that so beautifully! It brought tears to my eyes just reading it. She must feel so special and loved - and I know she is! Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. God bless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeschoolingMy4 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 This IS beautiful, you handled this in such a wonderful way, bringing honor to what her China Mom (I LOVE THAT) did for her... not only did she give her life in the physical sense, she gave her the chance for a GREAT life by dropping her off. Her China Mom had such courage! The way you handled this most definitely will make your daughter know that the adoption was out of so much love for her by all involved- her China Mom, you and your family and I LOVE that! My son is adopted through step-parent adoption (my husband adopted him) and the birth parent conversation can be so tough.. esp because in our situation, the birth father decided to not be involved and I ended up having to ask the court to terminate his parental rights. It's sometimes hard for adoptive children to not feel abandoned by their birth parents even though those choices have NOTHING to do with who that child is. It has everything to do with who the birth parent is. I pray that I can handle my son's questions at least half as well as you have! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauracolumbus Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 What a beautiful story. You have an amazing gift for compassion, insight, and eloquence. I have been very touched by what you have written. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 This is just beautiful. Had me in tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful writer and I felt the intense emotion you shared. While I have not adopted, we have been going through some heavy conversations here lately with our little boy that will be 7 soon. Our oldest son passed away in a car accident last year and nearly 8 years ago - my sister-in-law (also my best friend) died tragically. My little Sebastian just recently said to me that it was so sad that I had lost two my best friends. He knows that I always said that his brother was more that my son - he was my best friend. And more recently - he had heard me talking about my sister-in-law being my best friend. The other night, he just cried and cried that he couldn't understand WHY this all had to happen. It is just so hard as moms to see our little ones deal with BIG things. We know we can't protect them from everything, but we sure do want to. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 That was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing it with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Thank you for sharing that special moment with your daughter. She has a wonderful mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful writer and I felt the intense emotion you shared. While I have not adopted, we have been going through some heavy conversations here lately with our little boy that will be 7 soon. Our oldest son passed away in a car accident last year and nearly 8 years ago - my sister-in-law (also my best friend) died tragically. My little Sebastian just recently said to me that it was so sad that I had lost two my best friends. He knows that I always said that his brother was more that my son - he was my best friend. And more recently - he had heard me talking about my sister-in-law being my best friend. The other night, he just cried and cried that he couldn't understand WHY this all had to happen. It is just so hard as moms to see our little ones deal with BIG things. We know we can't protect them from everything, but we sure do want to. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. Kari, I am also sad for your loss! :crying: What a hard thing for both of you to deal with. Your son is so sweet to feel that loss with you. I know he is your special best friend now! I'll keep you and his sweet little heart in my thoughts and in my prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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