My sister bashed homeschooling in front of my dd..... :(

[sheryl]

My dh, dd and I are in the "heart" of Ohio (my homestate) visiting my Dad. We arrived Sat and we're leaving tomorrow, Tuesday, and driving to Kentucky for a few days before heading back to NC.

 

Yesterday, Saturday, my sister and her dh came down from MI to visit with us at my Dad's. We have an older first cousin who, like me, homeschools. One of my cousin's dd's is having "issues" and so my cousin sent her dd to spend the summer with my sister in Detroit area.

 

My sister is a know-it-all. I love her, but she and I are as different as left and right on many subjects. She just has this presence about her that commands and demands attention. Her presence speaks "I know it all, so listen to me....blah, blah, blah". She has answers for everything.

 

Well, she thinks my cousin's dd is messed up b/c cousin h'schooled dd and the dd is socially immature, not responsible, etc.

 

So, at the table, we were talking about cousin's dd and my sister in all her glory is speaking of her great work and accomplishments with this 19 yo girl. THEN, my sister out and out blamed h'schooling for the issues of this girl. She said, "I'm not, nor have I ever been a supporter of h'schooling".

 

She has her opinion and that's fine. Everyone else in our family supports it. My uncle and dad are both retired upper public school administrators. They support h'schooling.

 

What bothers me is that she was just so adamant (as she is about everything) about h'schooling not being a good option. It may not be for some, but I know it's good for many......including us! It took me by surprise b/c I "thought" she was pro h'schooling....I feel she discredited my dh's and my homeschooling choice in front of OUR DD!

 

How would you all have handled this conversation???

 

BTW, my sister likes to "up one" me when she can, so I'm sure this was calculated on her part to get a rise out of me. How sad.

Edited July 5, 2011 by sheryl

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, I would have a harder time with everyone discussing your dd's cousin's problems in front of her than in blaming it on homeschooling. I think those kind of discussions, when they happen in families, should be among adults only.

[eternalknot]

Well, she thinks my cousin's dd is messed up b/c cousin h'schooled dd and the dd is socially immature, not responsible, etc.

 

So, at the table, we were talking about cousin's dd and my sister in all her glory is speaking of her great work and accomplish with this 19 yo girl. THEN, my sister out and out blamed h'schooling for the issues of this girl. She said, "I'm not, nor have I ever been a supporter of h'schooling".

 

What bothers me is that she was just so adamant (as she is about everything) about h'schooling not being a good option. It may not be for some, but I know it's good for many......including us! It took me by surprise b/c I "thought" she was pro h'schooling....I feel she discredited my dh's and my homeschooling choice in front of OUR DD!

 

How would you all have handled this conversation..

 

What a rotten, hurtful experience.

 

FWIW I'm kind of that sister. Not the one-upping part (I know my limits within my sibling set!), but the opinionated, know-it all part? Yeah :blush: Quack!

 

You won't change her mind in any single conversation, so I wouldn't have even bothered to try. And without knowing your family, it could be true that homeschooling wasn't a good fit for all of your cousin and her child - if so, that's just more fodder for your sister that only time will contradict (as your daughter blossoms differently and more in-line with what your sister considers to be appropriate). You know that a socially awkward child could/would be the same or worse in a school environment, but there's no real convincing your sister of that. Don't waste the energy, and further set the foundation of her opinions about homeschoolers. It's just not worth it.

 

In your situation, with much fanfare I'd pat my sister on the back for the wonderful work she's done with your cousin's child, and suggest she's done a fabulous job of home (social) educating the child over the summer vacation. Educating, versus schooling. That would be enough to hush my own siblings, because they'd see the absurdity of their argument.

 

Barring that, I'd just have to shrug off her comments as her being her. I'd explain to my daughter -who likely knows how Auntie X can be- the silliness of forming an opinion based on such a limited sample, and we'd laugh it off then move on :) If it really bothered me, I'd follow up with sis and ask that she don't undermine your decisions in front of the children. That seems reasonable enough a request, regardless of the specific topic.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I probably would have called her on it right then and there.

[Jennifer3141]

Honestly, I would have a harder time with everyone discussing your dd's cousin's problems in front of her than in blaming it on homeschooling. I think those kind of discussions, when they happen in families, should be among adults only.

 

:iagree:

 

I would have instisted on ending the converation right there. It's rude and unless your family was brainstorming solutions to whatever problems this girl is having, it's simply GOSSIP.

 

And it cracks me up that someone from the eastern part of Michigan thinks public schooling is WORKING. What's the average class size of a Detroit math class now? 60? 70? I wouldn't DRIVE through Detroit, let alone allow the Detroit public school system have my kids.

[silliness7]

My dh, dd and I are in the "heart" of Ohio (my homestate) visiting my Dad. We arrived Sat and we're leaving tomorrow, Tuesday, and driving to Kentucky for a few days before heading back to NC.

 

Yesterday, Saturday, my sister and her dh came down from MI to visit with us at my Dad's. We have an older first cousin who, like me, homeschools. One of my cousin's dd's is having "issues" and so my cousin sent her dd to spend the summer with my sister in Detroit area.

 

My sister is a know-it-all. I love her, but she and I are as different as left and right on many subjects. She just has this presence about her that commands and demands attention. Her presence speaks "I know it all, so listen to me....blah, blah, blah". She has answers for everything.

 

Well, she thinks my cousin's dd is messed up b/c cousin h'schooled dd and the dd is socially immature, not responsible, etc.

 

So, at the table, we were talking about cousin's dd and my sister in all her glory is speaking of her great work and accomplishments with this 19 yo girl. THEN, my sister out and out blamed h'schooling for the issues of this girl. She said, "I'm not, nor have I ever been a supporter of h'schooling".

 

She has her opinion and that's fine. Everyone else in our family supports it. My uncle and dad are both retired upper public school administrators. They support h'schooling.

 

What bothers me is that she was just so adamant (as she is about everything) about h'schooling not being a good option. It may not be for some, but I know it's good for many......including us! It took me by surprise b/c I "thought" she was pro h'schooling....I feel she discredited my dh's and my homeschooling choice in front of OUR DD!

 

How would you all have handled this conversation???

 

BTW, my sister likes to "up one" me when she can, so I'm sure this was calculated on her part to get a rise out of me. How sad.

 

I would like to think that I would have challenged the naysayer then and there. "What makes you think cousin's social problems are caused by h'schooling? Do you mean to tell me that public school kids don't have social problems?"

"What is it about h'schooling that you can't support?" yada yada yada.

[Margo out of lurking]

I would probably respond, very pointedly, "Oh, THANK you" and then leave a very uncomfortable silence.

 

In the past few years, I have gotten SO over what anyone else thinks of my personal business or my family. An unwelcome opinion would mean nothing to me. Since your dd is quite a bit younger than mine, I would probably take a few seconds later to tell dd that's just how Auntie is, and how funny that she doesn't know very much about homeschooling--and too bad about Cousin, whatever is going on with her would probably be happening whether or not she was homeschooled.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't really understand the trouble. If she'd told you or your daughter that you were messed in the head for homeschooling, I'd agree with you. But she didn't, she stated an opinion you don't share. It's pretty hard to maintain relationships with people when any topic you disagree on is taboo. I don't think what she said needed to be said, but I don't think anything other than "uh huh" needs to be said about it.

 

Rosie

[sheryl]

Yes to all. And Jean, you got it right. I've realized that this trip...people can be so negative.

 

My sister was patting herself on the back so I didn't need to do that. :tongue_smilie: However, I do understand the reason why the pp suggested it. Be diplomatic.

 

She was talking on and on and on about pros and cons for doing this and that. She's also acting very mother like to this girl....so much so that when my cousin learned of a decision my sister made, my cousin called her on it and stayed the mother to this girl with an overriding decision to be made in the girl's best interest.

 

Gossip does tend to sneak in....people do become very comfortable with "catching up" that it "may" lead to gossip at times. For that reason I do want to be careful. OTOH, it's good to know what some of the issues are for prayer and also for me making decisions regarding my dd in the presence of this girl.

 

What a mess.

[Audrey]

Well, in my family, it would be egregiously rude to discuss a family member's difficulties in such gossipy, malicious tones.

 

In these situations, a precisely intoned and sharply delivered "Well, bless your heart!" followed by a pointed stare and a great big ol' teeth baring smile would be the well-deserved b!t©h slap that would make her little head spin.

[Joanne]

"I'm not a fan of adults who undermine parenting choices in front of minor children."

 

exit room, with child(ren)

[sheryl]

Audrey,

 

I hear what you are saying. I don't think she sees herself as my dh and I do. She's incredibly over-bearing.

 

Perhaps it would help to know that we are close in my family. Over the years and at many family get togethers it's common for the women folk ;) to chat and discuss this and that....issues with kids, advice and whatnot.

 

However, I agree with the thoughts from the poster's on this topic that it may be gossipy/bad taste to air this girl's dirty laundry even to family members.

 

Unfortunately, I was relieved when they left for home. Sad, but true. I love her, but we are different to say the least.

[TracyR]

Your always going to come across people who make comments like that and most likely it ends up being family. I have the same thing happen to me tonight. But thankfully not in front of my children ( since they are at camp right now). My father in law likes to get his digs in when he can.

 

My kids went to school last year but homeschooling really is best for us as a family. He gets his little digs in, but honestly my husband's parents are the last people on earth I'd ask for parenting advice for.

 

I just don't say much of anything anymore. I used to, but not anymore because there is no convincing these people. They are going to think what they want and then they feel to take it upon themselves to crap on you every chance they get because they are miserable people.

 

If it happens in front of my children, which it has in the past. I do let my children know that no matter how they are schooled they will turn out the way they chose to turn out.

 

As parents none of us are perfect, nor do we ever claim to be. But we try to do the best we can with what we know and the information we have at hand

I'm not understanding why she had this girl in her home anyways though.

Now with it being my sister I would have told her to mind her own business. Its not any of her business how anyone brings up their children, and how narrow minded , just because she knows one kid. Blech. Come on,

 

But then that's me. I have a younger sister just like that and I've gotten to a point in my life where I just tell her where to go. See the problem is we are considerate and respectful to people but others think they can crap all over us and we allow it. Sometimes its just fine to go tell them where to fly themselves.

See they don't know the person's situation, the reasons behind others decisions. Bascially they haven't walked in that others person's shoes and have no right to judge unless they have.

 

As for my kids. I always tell them that's the way their Aunt is and isn't that sad that Aunt X is so narrow minded. That its not right to judge others unless they've walked in that person's shoes. And that its tacky to think your a know it all! LOL

[Night Elf]

I never come up with witty comebacks at the appropriate time, but when I read your note, my first thought would have been to say, "Wow, really? I'll email the thousands upon thousands of homeschoolers in the world and tell them your opinion so that we may all benefit from your wisdom. I'll include your email address in case any of them want to contact you directly with questions."

[Audrey]

Audrey,

 

I hear what you are saying. I don't think she sees herself as my dh and I do. She's incredibly over-bearing.

 

Perhaps it would help to know that we are close in my family. Over the years and at many family get togethers it's common for the women folk ;) to chat and discuss this and that....issues with kids, advice and whatnot.

 

However, I agree with the thoughts from the poster's on this topic that it may be gossipy/bad taste to air this girl's dirty laundry even to family members.

 

Unfortunately, I was relieved when they left for home. Sad, but true. I love her, but we are different to say the least.

 

 

Of course you DISCUSS issues and you probably seek advice and guidance on those issues. That's not the same as gossiping about family to family. One is a concerned and caring approach. The other is just mean.

 

You can't let people get away with being mean -- especially family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course you DISCUSS issues and you probably seek advice and guidance on those issues. That's not the same as gossiping about family to family. One is a concerned and caring approach. The other is just mean.

 

You can't let people get away with being mean -- especially family.

 

This. I do think that it is important for the adults to discuss certain issues amongst themselves in a caring manner. I think it is important for the parents to let their kids know about some things that will be obvious - like the new baby born to the teen age cousin, for example. But I don't think that children should be included in the adult conversations because those conversations are unedited - just as you saw in this instance. As an adult, I would roll my eyes at someone's uninformed opinion but I would be able to handle it much better than if I knew that my dc were there to hear it.

[desertmum]

Of course you DISCUSS issues and you probably seek advice and guidance on those issues. That's not the same as gossiping about family to family. One is a concerned and caring approach. The other is just mean.

 

You can't let people get away with being mean -- especially family.

 

I tend to go on the defensive. I was brought up believing that at the end of the end family is family and all that. Having said that there are members of my family I avoid like the plague! If you can't avoid the know it all sister, just make sure your dd is not around when sister starts preaching about school.

Edited July 5, 2011 by desertmum

[kolamum]

If I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me I probably would have said, with great sincerity, "I know homeschooling, who would!" :lol: If I wasn't too busy biting my tongue to keep from being rude. ;)

[Mommy2BeautifulGirls]

:iagree:

 

And it cracks me up that someone from the eastern part of Michigan thinks public schooling is WORKING. What's the average class size of a Detroit math class now? 60? 70? I wouldn't DRIVE through Detroit, let alone allow the Detroit public school system have my kids.

 

We were just talking about this the other day. I think my sister-in-law said something like 60% of Detroit kids are in charter schools now because the schools are so bad.

[Mommy2BeautifulGirls]

Well, in my family, it would be egregiously rude to discuss a family member's difficulties in such gossipy, malicious tones.

 

In these situations, a precisely intoned and sharply delivered "Well, bless your heart!" followed by a pointed stare and a great big ol' teeth baring smile would be the well-deserved b!t©h slap that would make her little head spin.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[regentrude]

She said, "I'm not, nor have I ever been a supporter of h'schooling".

 

She is entitled to her opinion. By the same token, you are probably not a supporter of public schooling, which could be construed as insulting to somebody whose kids attend ps.

I'd just shrug. My kids know that not all people support homeschooling, but they know the reasons WE homeschool. I don't see a problem with these opinions being voiced in their presence - is it really the first time your kid encounters an opinion like this?

[Orthodox6]

Rude to trash the cousin's family. :iagree:

 

Nasty to insult OP and her choices in front of OP's daughter. :iagree:

 

 

What has come across beyond those points is a sketch of a woman (OP's sister) who is jealous of her sister, craves praise for her own efforts, feels intensely insecure about herself, and attempts to make herself feel better by putting down other people.

[ByGrace3]

Even if your cousin's problems were from homeschooling (not saying they are) then your sister using this as a case against homeschooling is like saying so and so behaves terribly, bad parenting has caused this, therefore I am against parenting. :001_huh: Not very good logic imho. Truth is, I often am the know it all in my family ;) and have often eaten my words . . . I imagine when you produce a responsible dd that thrives in society and succeeds, she just may have to eat her words . . . :tongue_smilie:

[elegantlion]

I never come up with witty comebacks at the appropriate time, but when I read your note, my first thought would have been to say, "Wow, really? I'll email the thousands upon thousands of homeschoolers in the world and tell them your opinion so that we may all benefit from your wisdom. I'll include your email address in case any of them want to contact you directly with questions."

 

I like this. :D

 

I have this sister. She has been seen as the "expert" for years, so I'm used to dealing with my opinion being second best. Most people who mouth off without any real evidence behind it will end up eating their words sooner or later.

 

I'm a patient person and have seen it happen with my sister, sadly, sort of sadly.

 

I'm also non confrontational and tend to use humor to diffuse situations. I probably would have raised my eyebrows and laughed and then said something silly. I might have shared the story of how my son would get in trouble in K (private school) for trying to socialize in class. Yup, talking in class got him in trouble.

[....]

So, you met my sister over the weekend? :tongue_smilie:

 

I also have family in Detroit. Yeah, the public schools are awesome (rolling eyes). Sheesh.

[Haiku]

How would you all have handled this conversation???

 

 

 

I wouldn't have let it bother me, honestly. My sister, while she has never said anything outright, doesn't think homeschooling is a good idea. Meh, whatevs. My kids, my choice, kwim? Other people having differing opinions does not discredit yours. I wouldn't have said a word to my kids unless they asked me, and then I would have said something along the lines of "Auntie [sister] sends your cousin to school; we have chosen not to send you to school. Everyone makes different choices."

 

I have a dd in school. I'm not a huge fan of schools, but right here in my own family we have different choices for different people going on. My kids take it in stride and have never even considered the idea that they would go to school even though their sister does and they are too young to remember when I homeschooled her.

 

Tara

[HS Mom in NC]

It's OK that she doesn't support hsing. I don't support psing. I however, don't I feel the need to go on about it around people who ps unless they specifically ask me why I won't send my kids to ps. (Which is a very different question than "Why do you homeschool?")

 

I have a SIL who has all sorts of wacky views on things that she goes on and on about and we view it as entertainment. The funniest part is, she has all this "knowledge" about how to everyone else's troubles, how they got that way, and how to "fix" them, while she is a walking disaster and so are her husband (my step-brother) and her kids. She's such a mess, she's legendary. Oh, and she's now a social worker.

[catz]

She is entitled to her opinion. By the same token, you are probably not a supporter of public schooling, which could be construed as insulting to somebody whose kids attend ps.

 

Hmmm ... I don't see these issues as nearly black and white. Homeschool may be good for some families and disastrous for others. We have wonderful local public schools but my highly gifted kid was not thriving there. For other kids it's great. Maybe homeschool wasn't a good fit or choice for cousin's kid? Or maybe she would have been worse off in PS? I think there's no point in speculating. And if it was done in a gossipy tone, also inappropriate, especially in front of kids.

 

Anyway - I think I would have shut her down fast in front of the kids.

[3RingCircus]

I do let my children know that no matter how they are schooled they will turn out the way they chose to turn out.

 

I really like this!!!

[gardenmom5]

My sister is a know-it-all. She just has this presence about her that commands and demands attention. Her presence speaks "I know it all, so listen to me....blah, blah, blah". She has answers for everything. What bothers me is that she was just so adamant (as she is about everything) about h'schooling not being a good option.

She has her opinion and that's fine. Everyone else in our family supports it. BTW, my sister likes to "up one" me when she can, so I'm sure this was calculated on her part to get a rise out of me.

 

 

and you care about her opinion why? she sounds like the type of relative sane people ignore because she's so insecure she must tell everyone else how to live their life to feel important.

 

Well, she thinks my cousin's dd is messed up b/c cousin h'schooled dd and the dd is socially immature, not responsible, etc.

 

So, at the table, we were talking about cousin's dd and my sister in all her glory is speaking of her great work and accomplishments with this 19 yo girl. THEN, my sister out and out blamed h'schooling for the issues of this girl. She said, "I'm not, nor have I ever been a supporter of h'schooling".

 

.

sounds like gossiping to me - and again, your sister sounds seriously insecure and must promote her greatness lest no one else see it. ('cause it ain't there.)

[BigMamaBird]

Since your dd is 12 I'd use it as a springboard for a discussion about how to handle confrontational people with grace. You'll never change your sister's mind but you can help strengthen your daughter's.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Ya'll are too polite.

 

I'd of gone all 8 mile, right then and there. Wouldn't happen again. Ever.:lol:

[3RingCircus]

Ya'll are too polite.

 

I'd of gone all 8 mile, right then and there. Wouldn't happen again. Ever.:lol:

 

Wish I had this kind of gusto!! :001_smile: