BMW Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Many of you know my dd wanted to keep getting married simple and elope... which meant she'd actually have a destination wedding with just a small number of people. So, we planned on parents of the bride and groom, groom's best friend and bride's best friend. Then my niece really wanted to come and since she was going to pay her own way (traveling 8 hours each way) and my dd didn't want to say no... we went with that. Then my 19yog was upset because she wasn't "invited". I explained that this was just a very small gathering... a private ceremony... we were keeping expenses as low as possible. But, she really didn't want her sister getting married without her being there. So, we told her she had to pay for her own way and her own expenses. (Can anyone ask, "Why didn't they just elope?") Then my 16yog got very offended. I explained the same thing... The thing is, there are a LOT of siblings in the family. The 18yo brother, 16yo sister nad 15 yo brother all say they want to be there. This was supposed to be small. I already asked my MIL to keep my two sons that weekend. She was upset, asking why we weren't taking them. I told her (last week) that none of the siblings were invited, that this was more of an adult get together, supporting my dd getting married... Dh and I were looking forward to two nights alone at the hotel, too! And the siblings bring with them a bit of drama... the 15yo hasn't spoken to me (once, very strained and he ended the conversation being purposefully hurtful) since Easter because I told his dad some things that weren't very nice that were going on. The 16yog snuck out of the house and disobeyed rules over and over during spring break. She always brings drama. I just don't want to deal with that. Now they are all upset because they feel that family should always be invited to weddings. I am supposed to discuss this today with the siblings "stepmom" (she and I actually communicate fairly well). I hate to bring it up to dd, too. But, she is already getting grief... rude little comments on facebook pages (not hers, but seeing them on her siblings page). I am not happy about this. Make me want to scrap the small wedding and send dd off to elope after all... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, from my point of view, immediate family should be there. For my first marriage, I got married in my sister's living room with our family. The only friends we had was my DH's two really good friends, one of them was his best man. The minister cost $25, which I didn't think was bad for a house ceremony. My dress was $180, found on a clearance rack. My DH already owned a tux because he was an orchestra musician. We had a simple wedding cake that cost $30, and 2 platters of food. One was meat & cheese and the other was a veggie tray, together they cost about $40. We had 2 bottles of champagne for a toast, but it was cheap and I have no idea how much they cost. That was supposed to be the total cost of our wedding, but my mom secretly rented folding chairs, dishes, and champagne glasses. I was furious because she made such a huge deal about my wedding needing to be el cheapo. So from my point of view, the wedding cost DH and me about $300. Where is the ceremony? You said destination. In that case, I would tell everyone they can attend if they pay their own way. I'm afraid that would include all the siblings because I'm sure it would be impossible for you to pay for so many. Could she get married at home and then go to that destination for a honeymoon instead? My second husband and I got married at the courthouse, all alone. It was a very simple ceremony and I really have never been satisfied with it. It made me feel like my marriage was not a big deal, just something we did on our lunch break. We each took the single day off of work. It was a friday so we could have a 3-day weekend which we spent at home. Oh, and while we were at the courthouse, my sister babysat my 3 year old dd. After the ceremony, we picked her up and went home and just got back to regular stuff. No one even offered to have any kind of celebration or party. It was rather hurtful actually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Oy. I'd go with either elope properly (not in the planned, destination wedding sense but in the sense of taking off and getting married, just the two of you and those officiating) OR invite the immediate family as a whole. It's hurtful to only invite your favorite immediate family--I think the sibs' feelings are legitimate. I also think the bride should have to explain her poor manners to her siblings, rather than you. It makes you the bad guy for her choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Oy. I'd go with either elope properly (not in the planned, destination wedding sense but in the sense of taking off and getting married, just the two of you and those officiating) OR invite the immediate family as a whole. It's hurtful to only invite your favorite immediate family--I think the sibs' feelings are legitimate. I also think the bride should have to explain her poor manners to her siblings, rather than you. It makes you the bad guy for her choices. :iagree: Once the niece got invited all of the bride's (and groom's) siblings should have been invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The teen girls who don't live with you, do they share a father with the dd getting married? Is there any chance their dad and "stepmom" could help with travel and/or hotel? I don't think hotel is strictly necessary for just 3 hours. I think inviting immediate family is important if you are going to have a wedding. I don't think it needs to be expected that you will cover everyone's travel arrangements, even for the siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Have them actually elope. Then plan a reception and invite everyone to celebrate the wedding. I was married in a church dress with the preacher, his wife, their 2 kids, my parents and my brother in attendance. My dad videotaped it so we would have that memory. I am glad we did it small. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Unfortunately those kind of events and the fallout from it stick forever in everyone's memory. I can see that you are tired of the drama the siblings bring to the table, however, perhaps especially since they are drama-prone and in a difficult phase of life (teenagers!), they need to feel included. How soon is the wedding? Can the sibs get part-time jobs and pay for their hotel room and trip expenses? I would say "You are so welcome to come and I am very sad, I cannot pay for it. Can you see if you could get a job?" Younger sibs who cannot work probably need to come along with you, or - if they truly don't care - stay with someone else. My ds was 7 when Dh's youngest brother got married and he rather spent the day with his best friend whose Mom was very much okay with it. After all of this is over, you and your dh need to arrange for a weekend away. You will enjoy it more knowing that everyone felt loved and included and the wedding will be a positive memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think inviting immediate family is important if you are going to have a wedding. I don't think it needs to be expected that you will cover everyone's travel arrangements, even for the siblings. :iagree:I would be insulted if my own sister did not invite me to her wedding. I agree with the above except that the parents should pay for the expenses of minor children. Perhaps it's cultural but to me, weddings are family celebrations. They don't have to be expensive but they do need to be inclusive. At minimum, the immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents) need to be invited. Inclusive or a true elopement (just the ones getting married, the required witnesses and the justice of the peace). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 After all of this is over, you and your dh need to arrange for a weekend away. You will enjoy it more knowing that everyone felt loved and included and the wedding will be a positive memory. Great idea, about getting a weekend away on your own later on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 It's an evening ceremony, 3-4 hours away from us... about 6 hours away from the siblings. We don't have the space in the cars for them, so they would need their own transportation. Since they would have to drive so far, they would need to sleep over... They share the same father, who is estranged from the bride-to-be. (abuse in the past...rude comments made by father regarding daughter recently... NOT someone she wants to see anytime on the weekend she gets married) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Oy. I'd go with either elope properly (not in the planned, destination wedding sense but in the sense of taking off and getting married, just the two of you and those officiating) OR invite the immediate family as a whole. It's hurtful to only invite your favorite immediate family--I think the sibs' feelings are legitimate. I also think the bride should have to explain her poor manners to her siblings, rather than you. It makes you the bad guy for her choices. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy1k Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 She should elope for real. And she should handle all of this stuff herself instead of having you do it. If she doesn't want to invite her siblings, she can tell them no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think maybe I'm just too far removed from this type of family dynamic to offer real input. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
profmom Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) My sister's second wedding was meant to be very small and private with almost no one invited. Everyone was invited to the reception, which is where they put their money. However, the fact that a few, even a very few, people were invited was hurtful to everyone else! We tried not to be offended, but it was tough. I ended up being able to go because I offered to video, but I was the only one in my (our) immediate family that was able to go (even though everyone has a good relationship with everyone else). In the end, the reception wasn't very well attended. I think weddings are special to everyone, and people want to share it with the bride and groom. If you aren't invited, it's very difficult not to think that you are not special to the bride and groom. I know it's tough not to think, "Hey...it's our wedding! Let us do what we want to!" But, the way the plans are currently, people are getting their feelings hurt and everyone is feeling distanced from the bride and groom. Could you consider changing to a very simple wedding locally and then using the destination as the honeymoon? Edited June 20, 2011 by profmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 That is EXACTLY why we had a planned "elopement". We would have loved to have had my parents at my wedding, but that would have meant inviting my sister, who I was iffy about. And then his brother would have wanted to be there, but couldn't afford to go there. Then if we invited friends, the ones we really wanted couldn't afford it, and the ones we didn't care about could, so there would be hurt feelings. So we laid down the law, no one but us! We had a photographer and videographer so everyone could watch it later. They were actually our witnesses,lol. We were married in a tiny chapel in Scotland, and when we got back we had a large, informal party where we showed the video and had Scottish themed food. It was PERFECT. Talk to your dd about this, and see what she says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I guess I can't quite imagine one of my children getting married without their siblings being there. I think I'd encourage the bride and groom to either get married on their own (as in a genuine elopement), and then you host a reception in your hometown later, or find a way that all siblings can be at the wedding. As far as others... I'd send an invite to family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.), explaining that you don't really expect them to be there (because of the distance, expense, etc.), but that if they would like to come you'd be honored. (But they would all pay their own way, of course.) We did it this way when our son was married out of the country, and next year, our daughter will be married in Costa Rica and we will do it that way again. In both their cases, they did not choose destination weddings, but visa issues (of spouse/future spouse) required this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeefreak Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think maybe I'm just too far removed from this type of family dynamic to offer real input. :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: Dorinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 One of my brothers got married in Vegas (we live in NC), so, obviously, that was a true elopement. But if he had gotten married here, as my other brother did, and not invited me, I would have been heartbroken. And teenagers are emotional, in general, so I can't imagine how hurt and angry they must be. I totally get that the dynamics are different and more complicated in your family, and maybe like Mrs. Mungo, I'm just too far removed from that type of thing to understand. I think "S" needs to decide: either have her brothers and sisters there or truly elope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
profmom Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) I think maybe I'm just too far removed from this type of family dynamic to offer real input. :grouphug: I probably am too, especially because my family gets along. (However, not inviting people to a wedding can make the relationships more distant -- people don't really understand.) I think, if the OP were to send invitations to everyone, they'd be surprised at how many would actually come at their own expense. Weddings are special to people, and they want to share in the happiness (and fairy-tale aspects)! You could always emphasize the simpleness of the wedding and the fact that you know not everyone will be able to attend. Tough one! :grouphug: ETA: Interestingly, I'm just now realizing that this same sister of mine that didn't invite many to her second wedding was highly offended when my brother wasn't sure he could get off work for her first wedding -- to the point of never forgetting it and still bringing it up sometimes (to me, not to him)! Edited June 20, 2011 by profmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thanks... dd and I will have a long talk this morning and work on making decisions regarding siblings AND expenses... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 In the end it's their wedding and they can invite whoever they want. If they only want parents, that's totally fine. But if that's the case, they need to un-invite the random cousin (even if she's paying her own way, that doesn't matter if nobody invited her) and stick to their "rules", and explain them to the siblings. I'm guessing the younger sibs have never planned a wedding; they might not realize that even destination wedding "packages" cost per person, more relatives there means a longer stay and more money for a photographer, bigger cake, bigger space, etc. All that is in addition to "paying your own way" via transportation and hotel. It would be ridiculous trying to divide everything up and figure out how much everyone has to contribute to attend. Even after all that there would be hurt feelings if Sib A can afford it and Sib B can't. It would be much easier to let the siblings plan a "reception" a week or so later and contribute/be involved that way, or for bride/groom/parents to take them all out to dinner when they return and limit the drama-causing time available to just a few hours. Do bring it up so she can decide what to do. She has a few choices. She can include all the siblings and figure out how to pay for them/who to pay for, un-invite the cousin and stick to the original plan, scrap the small destination wedding and give in to a big one (and figure out how to pay for that), or drop the whole thing and elope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I vote elope and then a big party for everyone! Weddings these days seem to lose the focus on the vows and the commitment with all of the family issues swirling around. If they eloped who would stand up for them? Maybe you could get the kids to throw the party afterwards and thus ;) feel involved and contributing to the whole affair? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Mommy Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 She should elope for real. And she should handle all of this stuff herself instead of having you do it. If she doesn't want to invite her siblings, she can tell them no. Well...I'm the bride... AND: I did tell my siblings that I didn't want them to come because there are soo many of them...and they all live with my estranged dad 3 hours away (did anyone hear my mom say he was abusive and I can't stand him...)... I wanted my mom to come because I wanted pictures and she has the nice camera... And the only reason our two friends (a couple) were invited was because they are really important to my fiance and he wouldn't agree to anything without them... *and then his parents had to come cause my mom was gonna be there... *and then that meant my step dad was going... *and then my niece really wanted to come and I didn't want to say no cause I'm around the same age as her sister that died a few years ago and I felt like it would be good for both of us (I like the idea of an older sis...)... *and then my sister called me bawling cause if she was getting married she would want me there... AND NOW ALL my siblings want to come... I was planning a real wedding but we just had a baby and the finances are super tight and a wedding didn't look possible for years. My mom told me if we did something soon and small then she and my step dad would help pay for it, and my fiance's parents agreed to help out too... so I know I shouldn't have agreed to more people then probably the parents but I DID...and the wedding is less then two weeks away and I everyone has bought the dresses/hotel rooms ect... SO I don't really know what I can do really, my youngest siblings are all rude to me on a regular basis (making fun of the fact that I don't have a lot of money, and act like they are superior because they live in a beach house and have UGGS and Miss me jeans ect...):glare: So really I just kinda want to run away and hide in a closet for a few weeks and ignore it all but I can't...And now I'm mad cause this is the only wedding I get and everyone is making it about them and I'm just getting super frustrated... ...rant over... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy1k Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, good. It's your wedding and you handled it. My advice to you would be different than my advice to your mother. Do what you want. It's your wedding. You get to decide who to include and who not to include. You can deal with whatever comes with that. I mean, you're getting married, you're a mother...do what you want. :laugh: I was also young with a baby very much on the way when I got married. Our ceremony was in my husband's parents living room and the reception in their backyard. Do I have regrets that I didn't have a larger wedding? That we didn't even have money/time for a honeymoon? Nah. It is what it is. My only real advice is to remember that the ceremony is a tiny part of a marriage. Focus on the marriage and worry less about the wedding. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy1k Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 If I COULD do it differently, though??? I'd elope. I'd travel somewhere fabulous...even if I had to drive...you live in California??? So many options. I'd spend a fantastic weekend with my new husband and I'd hire a photographer to take some great pictures. If my family HAD to be involved, I'd throw a party (even a freaking potluck) when I got back. Weddings are small. Hopefully your marriage will be huge. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 My sister's second wedding was meant to be very small and private with almost no one invited. Everyone was invited to the reception, which is where they put their money. However, the fact that a few, even a very few, people were invited was hurtful to everyone else! We tried not to be offended, but it was tough. I ended up being able to go because I offered to video, but I was the only one in my (our) immediate family that was able to go (even though everyone has a good relationship with everyone else). In the end, the reception wasn't very well attended. I think weddings are special to everyone, and people want to share it with the bride and groom. If you aren't invited, it's very difficult not to think that you are not special to the bride and groom. I know it's tough not to think, "Hey...it's our wedding! Let us do what we want to!" But, the way the plans are currently, people are getting their feelings hurt and everyone is feeling distanced from the bride and groom. Could you consider changing to a very simple wedding locally and then using the destination as the honeymoon? :iagree: Either siblings need to be invited (and minor siblings paid for), or the couple needs a real elopement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I was planning a real wedding but we just had a baby and the finances are super tight and a wedding didn't look possible for years. My mom told me if we did something soon and small then she and my step dad would help pay for it, and my fiance's parents agreed to help out too... so I know I shouldn't have agreed to more people then probably the parents but I DID...and the wedding is less then two weeks away and I everyone has bought the dresses/hotel rooms ect... SO I don't really know what I can do really, my youngest siblings are all rude to me on a regular basis (making fun of the fact that I don't have a lot of money, and act like they are superior because they live in a beach house and have UGGS and Miss me jeans ect...):glare: So really I just kinda want to run away and hide in a closet for a few weeks and ignore it all but I can't...And now I'm mad cause this is the only wedding I get and everyone is making it about them and I'm just getting super frustrated... If money is tight, then you can afford a wedding, maybe just not a destination wedding. There are a lot of things we want but can't have. I think a lot of young people today have expectations of having stuff that don't normally come until later in life, when you've put in many years of hard work, saving, etc... (I've seen in in SIL/BIL's spending). I still think siblings should be included. If that can't be done in a destination wedding that's not an elopement, then scrap the destination. It would bug me if my parents sprang for a destination wedding for a sibling of mine but didn't include me (if I were a minor and not an adult). It would not bother me if my parents helped one of my siblings be able to go on a vacation. But to exclude me from their wedding? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 :grouphug: it's complicated. fwiw... i sure hope people answering have read all of what you've posted and aren't just going with a set response. abuse negates all the rules. i would encourage her to have the people she wants to have. if that means it is at your house, then that's what it means. if it means that its at the destination, then that's what it means. i would shy away from "whoever can afford to pay their way can come", because that means its about who can coerce whom into paying for them rather than about relationship. i would be inclined to have her call the folks who have said they can pay to come and ask them to please not come as its making life a living h*ll for her with the rest. then, i'd suggest she change plans, pick a new location and date, and just have the original folks come and don't tell the others about it. at all. or say, you know, you all are right. we'll just have it here. (but from what i've read, i can't see that ending well). feeling sorry for her poor fiance... and for her, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat19 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think once the cousin was told yes, you should have invited your siblings. I'm sure your siblings will feel bad because a cousin is going but they didn't even get an invite. I hope it all works out :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 while i was posting, the bride-to-be posted. it sounds like you have/had good reasons for everything you decided, so i'd change my "uninvite" the niece/cousin because you did include her based on relationship rather than genetic proximity. do what you planned. say "no" to your siblings. good boundaries are hard, but good. lean on your fiance for emotional support. do not discuss it any more. just answer with "this is what we have decided. isn't the weather wild?" rinse. repeat. (unfortunately, likely often). :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 If she doesn't get along with her sibs it really changes the whole story. And an event planned for teens is different from an event planned for adults. I'm sorry it is so difficult. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Daisy, I say all of this with sincerity, no snarkiness intended. But I want to be honest, coming from years of how I've seen people end up really hurt in families. In all honesty, not inviting your dad is fine with your reasons. Not inviting your siblings because they are under his influence and brats is not, at least not unless you want to further alienate them. You are 21, they are preteens/young teens. Big difference in maturity there. You're right, it's your wedding. All decisions we make in life come with either rewards or consequences. So what you need to decide before it's too late is what you care about in your relationship when they are older, and have matured some. Do you want them to remember you did not want them at your wedding? Because that could do irreparable harm to your relationship, which is already strained. At this point, I doubt you can get refunds on hotels and chapels back but if you can, you may want to spend the same money locally, where they can sleep at your mom/step-dads (no hotel, just transportation expenses) and have a simple reception after a simple ceremony, with all family invited to witness your marriage. Or not. Choose what's important in the long run. I'm ready to be reamed... but I couldn't not say something after a lot of careful thought. Cathie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 If she doesn't get along with her sibs it really changes the whole story. And an event planned for teens is different from an event planned for adults. I'm sorry it is so difficult. :grouphug: Note she said her younger siblings, who are all pre-teen, very young teens. They don't have the maturity she should have, and often act under the influence of the custodial parent. I still think she should look to the future, and if she wishes to have a future relationship as they grow up, not alienate them for such a huge milestone in the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think once the cousin was told yes, you should have invited your siblings.I'm sure your siblings will feel bad because a cousin is going but they didn't even get an invite. :iagree: Absolutely, regardless of the maturity of the younger siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren R. Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Oy. I'd go with either elope properly (not in the planned, destination wedding sense but in the sense of taking off and getting married, just the two of you and those officiating) OR invite the immediate family as a whole. It's hurtful to only invite your favorite immediate family--I think the sibs' feelings are legitimate. I also think the bride should have to explain her poor manners to her siblings, rather than you. It makes you the bad guy for her choices. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbsweetpea Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) nevermind saw bride's post Edited June 20, 2011 by bbsweetpea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbsweetpea Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Daisy,I say all of this with sincerity, no snarkiness intended. But I want to be honest, coming from years of how I've seen people end up really hurt in families. In all honesty, not inviting your dad is fine with your reasons. Not inviting your siblings because they are under his influence and brats is not, at least not unless you want to further alienate them. You are 21, they are preteens/young teens. Big difference in maturity there. You're right, it's your wedding. All decisions we make in life come with either rewards or consequences. So what you need to decide before it's too late is what you care about in your relationship when they are older, and have matured some. Do you want them to remember you did not want them at your wedding? Because that could do irreparable harm to your relationship, which is already strained. At this point, I doubt you can get refunds on hotels and chapels back but if you can, you may want to spend the same money locally, where they can sleep at your mom/step-dads (no hotel, just transportation expenses) and have a simple reception after a simple ceremony, with all family invited to witness your marriage. Or not. Choose what's important in the long run. I'm ready to be reamed... but I couldn't not say something after a lot of careful thought. Cathie I totally agree with this as well. When I got married my step dad walked me down the aisle and I did not want my Bio dad there. However I do have two half brothers that at the time were pretty young. I could not stand my dad or step mom but invited them to both the rehearsal dinner and wedding in order to make sure my relationship with my half brothers stayed good. I got married at 21 and one brother was 8 and the other 3. They probably did not care at the time but now we have pictures to look back on and they can see where I tried. They now have a bad relationship with all of our bio dad (all due to abuse and neglect) but a good relationship with me and my brother. Think about the future. These kids will turn into adults some day and you probably will want a relationship with them. (((HUGS))) I know this is hard. I hated planning my wedding. No matter what I was going to hurt someone or be uncomfortable myself. My wedding still was small so it can happen. I would pray on this and then do what is in your heart. It is YOUR day. Edited June 20, 2011 by bbsweetpea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hotel reservations can probably be canceled. Tell everyone but your parents and his parents not to come, because the whole thing is causing hurt feelings. Or tell even the parents not to come. I bet they can get their money back. Have them wear the dresses to a reception at your mom's house, where you invite all family. Problem solved :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 What a mess! Here's a hug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Nothing wrong with eloping.......if it really means eloping. The couple can always plan or attend a cookout or get-together for family after they get back if everyone feels a need to celebrate the union that way. No couple is under any obligation to invite any one else to be there. I have been married three times, widowed once and divorced once and currently married. I personally think spending money on wedding is a waste. My last wedding took place after DH and I eloped to Las Vegas and we did not take anyone else with us and we had a blast. I'm sure some of the kids were upset that they didn't get invited, but I am way past worrying about hurt feelings for not behaving the way other people expect me to. We sent out cards announcing our marriage as our way of sharing our good news and that was that. Two of my step-daughters insisted on the whole wedding extravaganza and since we certainly were not about to pay for such a thing they ended up with expensive gowns in their closets and loans they are still paying off, all for the dubious pleasure of walking down an aisle in front of a lot of people and an over-priced dinner out for the entire family. I told them I would rather they spent that money on a house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 What I am hearing is that they want to keep it really super small and simple (and maybe avoid having the father there, who would not feel like a blessing). But then I read that the siblings can come but only if they pay their own expenses. So that sounds like it is really about the money and that she doesn't mind them being there. If she doesn't mind them being there, I would get them there. Or I would encourage her to have a super top secret wedding right in town that they can come to. I don't know. I wouldn't want to tell my children that they can only come to their siblings wedding if they pay their expenses. But I would be fine with "We are eloping but taking Mom with us." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Another "to wrap it up" post... I love that many of you took the time to take a close look at this. Thank you SO much. Today was rough, bits of tears by the bride to be and we got through it. I asked dd if she knew what was on her younger sister's wall... she didn't... I told her that it had a large bulletin board filled with pictures of JUST her and her baby. I reminded her of how all these siblings spent year after year with her... that she was the ring leader... she was the one building tee-pees or snow men with them in the yard. I asked her to try to separate her hurt feelings regarding her dad from this situation and to recognize that at this time the siblings really just want to be there. The siblings have their own transportation and arrangements and I have been told that they can be dropped off for the ceremony and picked up afterwards without drama. I am proud of dd. This is hard for her... she feels vulnerable... she doesn't want to be hurt, she just wants a lovely time. I hope that is what we all get. Now, I am off to pour a glass of merlot... Seriously, dd and I are doing much better than at the beginning of the day. Thanks, everyone, for being there to talk to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Another "to wrap it up" post... I love that many of you took the time to take a close look at this. Thank you SO much. Today was rough, bits of tears by the bride to be and we got through it. I asked dd if she knew what was on her younger sister's wall... she didn't... I told her that it had a large bulletin board filled with pictures of JUST her and her baby. I reminded her of how all these siblings spent year after year with her... that she was the ring leader... she was the one building tee-pees or snow men with them in the yard. I asked her to try to separate her hurt feelings regarding her dad from this situation and to recognize that at this time the siblings really just want to be there. The siblings have their own transportation and arrangements and I have been told that they can be dropped off for the ceremony and picked up afterwards without drama. I am proud of dd. This is hard for her... she feels vulnerable... she doesn't want to be hurt, she just wants a lovely time. I hope that is what we all get. Now, I am off to pour a glass of merlot... Seriously, dd and I are doing much better than at the beginning of the day. Thanks, everyone, for being there to talk to. What a nice navigating job. Here...have another glass :) Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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