Paz Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I am wondering about relationships with adult children. My ds is 21 and will start his senior year of college. He calls us several times a week, asks for advice when necessary, etc. We provide assistance for his housing and a bit of tuition which we have agreed upon and are happy to do. He has a scholarship for most of it. He also has a job on campus which he loves. I think in general we have a great relationship. I am feeling sad, though, that he really doesn't spend time with us. The last time I saw him was at Christmas. When school was out he left from there for a wilderness certification in another state and then for training for a camp he is working at for the summer. He did get to see my dh for a few days before camp and was excited to see him. He would like to go to Europe for a year after graduation and then move out west which is the other side of the country from us. On one hand I am happy that I raised a confident, outgoing, and independent kid but on the other hand I feel like I may have failed because he doesn't really see the need to spend time with us. Is this just a part of letting go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I would take it as a positive that he calls you several times a week. He may just be going through a whirlwind of change and adventure right now. Also, this is an age where there is a lot of focus on self and outside friendships. My brother always called my parents regularly, but it wasn't until he had his daughter that he really reached out and wanted to spend lots of time with them again. It was the same with my sister. I think they were both wrapped up in their lives with their friends but, for whatever reason, didn't really fully appreciate my parents until they had their own families. And my parents are as wonderful as they come. Really, if he's calling you that often, it sounds like he's still very connected and like you've done a great job. I can really understand how you would miss seeing him, though! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Well... my kids are 2 & 4, so IDK how I'll feel when we get to that point. But I'm 25, and I think my mom went through exactly the opposite concerns for me when I was 21. I was raised to be an "independent woman" & not to let a man & kids tie me down as a young adult. I got married & had DS when I was 21. We live in the same town we grew up in. (lol-- ATM, we live in the house I grew up in.) My mom has told me several times that she is happy that I'm where I want to be, but that she always wanted me to have opportunities she didn't (due to having kids & marrying young). She always dreamed I would do the things your son is talking about/looking into doing. It's how I always thought my life would be. But... it just wasn't how things worked out for me. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I am wondering about relationships with adult children. My ds is 21 and will start his senior year of college. He calls us several times a week, asks for advice when necessary, etc. We provide assistance for his housing and a bit of tuition which we have agreed upon and are happy to do. He has a scholarship for most of it. He also has a job on campus which he loves. I think in general we have a great relationship. I am feeling sad, though, that he really doesn't spend time with us. The last time I saw him was at Christmas. When school was out he left from there for a wilderness certification in another state and then for training for a camp he is working at for the summer. He did get to see my dh for a few days before camp and was excited to see him. He would like to go to Europe for a year after graduation and then move out west which is the other side of the country from us. On one hand I am happy that I raised a confident, outgoing, and independent kid but on the other hand I feel like I may have failed because he doesn't really see the need to spend time with us. Is this just a part of letting go? My brother who is extremely close with my mother spent several years living in Europe after college. I don't remember seeing him more than 1-2/times a year. It had no effect on their relationship. They were as close as ever. I think its wonderful that your son is pursuing his interests. My son says he has no intention of ever leaving home :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dreamgig Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 it's not how often you see them. It is the quality of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Yes, dear, it's part of letting go. :-) I live in Central Texas. One dd lives in Central California; the other lives in Seattle. The last time we saw Seattle dd was last June; the last time we saw Calif dd was...hmmm...can't remember. But we talk on the phone frequently, and Mr. Ellie and I have made several trips back to the left coast: two bridal showers, two weddings, one baby shower, one baby :-), and one birthday at Disneyland (plus two trips to Disneyland just because). :D Both dds and dsil and dgs will be here in July for my bday-woohoo!--but after that...who knows? They're all grown up. They love me, I love them, we'll see each other when we can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paz Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 I miss him right now. When he left for college I really didn't feel that sad because I knew he'd be home on breaks and I could last a few months before seeing him. Now I'm not sure when I'll see him. We will probably try to go visit his camp for a few hours or a meal this summer and I will probably see him for a football game weekend at his school in the fall. The funny thing is that my ds has some intensive wilderness training so he can travel and stay anywhere. He takes his tent, camping stove, a few other essentials and can stay for about $10 a night in just about any city he would wish to travel to. That really expands what he can do because he he can travel on the cheap. And it reduces the amount of time that he'd like to spend at home. I understand that, but I miss him. I guess this just affirms that I need to work out our schedule to get some time to visit him where he is. He is very happy to see us whenever we stop in for a visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 :grouphug: My kids aren't there yet, and I'm not looking forward to it. DD and DS were just talking in the car this week about where they want to live when they grow up. We are currently in WA. DD says she's going to Florida. DS wants to live in Texas or Alaska. I was :001_huh:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) I think when they can go off like that, it means they feel comfortable leaving because they know you are there when they want to come back. To me, it's a given that the older my kids get, the less I will see them. My dd is only 18, but she's already making the break. On summer break from ballet training, she just came back from a week at her bf's parents' home in Maine. He will be coming here in two weeks to spend a week with her. In between, she will work and see friends. After he leaves, she'll go off to ballet school in Florida for five weeks. Summer break is not the summer break of the past where we all spent the days hanging out in the pool as a family. I don't love it, either, but I know it's life. (sigh) Edited May 31, 2011 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Is this just a part of letting go? Yes. I saw my folks about every two years and talked once a week on the phone until they got feeble. I called every other day until they moved near a sibling, and I started going back for a week twice a year to help them with the house, etc. Did it for years. Least I could do for them. Anyway .... in this day and age, people move and are busy. In the olden days, people might move to the US and never see their relatives again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I left home at 16 and never went back. I see my parents once every 2-3 years and have done my whole adult life. Its been hard on my mum. A lot of those early years, I didn't even talk to her much- we didn't get on. By the time I had kids in my late 20s, we had re-conciliated. I had settled on the other side of the country, though, and had my kids here- so its never been easy to spend much time together. But now- I do stay in touch. I really think it means a lot to just stay in touch regularly. I send my mum prayers for her wellbeing because she isn't well. I try to remember her every day and just send her love. ANd we email or phone maybe a couple of times a month. I feel we are in touch and we love each other. Your son is at the beginning of the large adventure of life- the stage when all things are possible and life is exciting. YOu are his foundation- from which he can fly. I think its natural for young adults to take their parents for granted even if they love them deeply. Phoning each week is a lot- he wants to stay in touch. I woudl focus more on the connection and its quality, and your love for him and desire for him to fly in his life, rather than your need for physical contact. Or, you could jsut say one day- I would love to give you a big hug, I wonder when you might visit us? Without putting too much on him. My stepdd23 doesnt see us and she lives a 15 minute drive away. She and dh clash and she is finding her independence from him- he is a bit controlling. It just seems to be those years when kids really need to find themselves and being away form parents can be a part of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 My kids aren't that age yet, but when I was young I was that kid. I left for college at 18 and went 5,000 miles away. I didn't talk to my mom much partly because of the time difference and partly because it cost a lot more back then to make long-distance calls--and we were pretty poor so it was a big deal for me to go to college so far away. I went home the first couple of summers but after that I stayed at school. I've always lived thousands of miles from my mom so we rarely see each other. Last time I saw her was nearly 5 years ago. :sad: We chat a lot more often now, about once a week. And in spite of the miles and the years, we've always been pretty close. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 My 21 yr old DS and his wife bought a house within walking distance of us, so we see them everytime we turn the corner to leave our neighborhood! Not typical I realize that, but we are blessed that they chose to live that close to us. Extended family and friends watched the local parade on their front lawn and then we grilled out in their backyard. We do have a DD who lives 700 miles away.. We see her as often as we can, usually 3-4 times a year. But it's never enough. Other two kiddoes and their families live 10 mins or 25 mins from us and we see them at least once a week. I would say your son is in transition in his life, but wants to stay in touch and when he "settles" on a career and a life you will see more of him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 It's the same with my 21 yo son. He's just busy, living his life. Unlike your son, he is financially independent of us though. We probably talk once or twice a week. I'm glad he's confident and happy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I have a 21 year old son and I hear from his girlfriend more than I hear from him. Right now he's in Germany and won't be home until the end of July. He'll go right back to school where he has a part time job and a demanding schedule so I won't see him much at all until Christmas. He's happy and doing well and living his life. I'm happy that we get along so well when I do see him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 The size of our country is a real pain! My friends in Europe complain when their children move 2 hours away. :( i want my dc to stay in a short driving distance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 It's hard when they leave. Our 23 year old daughter works in Kuwait and we see her twice a year for 10 days each visit. We do however skype, email and send care packages often. She calls at least several times a week. Our 21 year old daughter moved to TX last May, got married and had our first grandbaby. We also talk daily, email and skype often. We have sent them tons of goodies over the year. She's coming home for a year while her husband is deployed...we are so excited to have her and the baby. Kids growup...it's their job. I miss them both so much, but I think we raise very independent kids which isn't a bad thing. ;) Hugs to you!!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 My 20yo ds moved out last January and we don't see him very often at all. We just moved about one hour south of where he lives. We know we can always get in touch with each other but I see this time as asserting their independence. I think we will re-connect more when he gets a little older and settles down. In other words, I think this is very normal and healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I called my adult daughter who lives out of state the other day and she got on the line immediately and wanted to know what was wrong because "you never call me, Mom" :001_huh: Well, maybe I don't call her much. She does call me about two or three times a month. I think we have a great relationship and so does she. She does call for advice too, so I guess she thinks I have some wisdom to offer. My other adult kids who live in the area I tend to duck and dodge as they all have kids they want me to babysit, but I do talk to them regularly, maybe two or three time a month. Everyone knows I am a bit busy, with younger children still at home and now raising a couple of the grandkids, and they all have young kids and growing families so they are pretty busy too. I do know I can pick up the phone and call them anytime and talk, and I can go visit all of them except the out-of-state one anytime and feel welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We don't see our older son (my stepson actually, but still) as much as we'd like to but we know he and DIL are busy. They each work odd hours - him as a firemedic, her as an ER nurse. When they happen to have time off at the same time they understandably want to spend it together. We talk on the phone often. We get see them about every 2-3 months. It's part of letting go. It's part of life. I think the fact that you talk on the phone shows he wants to be in touch. Physically getting together isn't always easy, especially for the newly minted adult trying to get a handle on adult life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 When I was his age, I was in Texas and my family in Ohio. I saw them at Christmas and for a week or two in the summer. I have since moved back to Ohio and see my Mother much more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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