Are you married to an adult with ADD?

[Heather in Neverland]

I know there have been threads on here about adults that struggle with ADD. But are any of you married to one of those adults?

 

I am.

 

My dh is classic ADD. He has been on and off meds most of his life. He is currently not on them because of the...ahem... "adverse" side effects. I know how hard it is to have ADD because I've watched him for 15 years and and my oldest ds has it too.

 

But is it ok if I whine for a moment about how hard it is to be married to someone with ADD? Especially if you are the polar opposite? I am type A, super-organized, goal-oriented, etc, etc.

 

I try really really really hard but some days I just want to scream. Like when I ask him to go outside and turn the steaks over on the grill and the next thing I know they are burning because he DID go outside but got distracted by something he saw in the garage and forgot about the steaks. Or like when he says he is going to 7-11 to get milk and he is gone for two hours because he got distracted...and forgot the milk.

 

He is a wonderful man. He tries. I try. We do our best to cope with our differences.

 

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

OK, pity party is over. :o

[Firestar Academy]

I am soooo living that life, too... Even my kids gave him little pocket size notebooks to carry around to make lists and help him....he keeps putting them down and can't find them:001_huh:

 

robin in NJ

[Barb_]

Yep. I'm the only one who's allowed to touch the grill. I feel your pain, Heather.

[WTMCassandra]

But is it ok if I whine for a moment about how hard it is to be married to someone with ADD? Especially if you are the polar opposite? I am type A, super-organized, goal-oriented, etc, etc.

 

 

Oh yes, I am living this life. I could have written this paragraph word for word. Sometimes I overlook, sometimes I chide, and sometimes, I just have to look away.

[Peela]

 

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

 

Yep, my dh is ADHD to the max. Expelled from 3 kindergartens, and again in highschool. Trouble child. Rebellious child and adult. Distractable. Anti authoritarian. And having a conversation with him can be SOOO frustrating because I will be sharing something and he will get up and leave the room while I am mid sentence, because he remembered something somewhere else. Or I will be in a deep conversation with him about something and he will change the subject to the dog mid sentence as if it was completely natural, and not even come back to the conversation we were having.

 

He has never done meds and doesnt want to- he thinks it is who he is and he wouldn't want to be any different, even though some parts are frustrating. His unique crazy wiring makes him independent, a right brain thinker, entrepreneurial, a leader- he wouldn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It was a very rough childhood for him but he learned coping mechanisms. He is a character and usually makes a strong impact on people.

 

However I am not always patient with him, and I don't always buy the "it's my ADHD" line, either. Rude is rude!(when it comes to cutting me off mid conversation to talk to the dog, empty the garbage etc)

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know if mine is ADD, but when his diet has been poor, his brain sure doesn't work the way it should. He'll say yes when he means no, and vice versa, and it'll take ten mins of "vigorous discussion" to tease it all out and he won't even believe he had been saying the opposite when it had only just happened.

 

I don't know if it will help, but you could try looking into dopamine deficiency.

 

Rosie

[delaney]

I am the spouse:D. I really have issues completing tasks and staying focused. It must drive DH nuts because he is a list checker and I always have 20 things going at once. Thankfully I don't grill but more than once I have boiled all the water out of a pot or something like that. I use the kitchen timer to remind me of just about everything. Sounds silly but it really works!

[Plink]

I hear you Heather. It is hard to be the only responsible adult in the house.

 

It isn't just what my ADD husband neglects that bothers me, but the hyper-focusing. Right now his new passion is making wine. We have six batches working in addition to all of the bottles aging from years past . . . I don't drink wine and he does so only rarely. Sigh. On the up side, he is good at it and all our friends love his wine.

 

I love my DH. I just wish I could change myself into a more patient carefree person so that I could enjoy his fun side more.

[2boysmom]

I know there have been threads on here about adults that struggle with ADD. But are any of you married to one of those adults?

 

I am.

 

My dh is classic ADD. He has been on and off meds most of his life. He is currently not on them because of the...ahem... "adverse" side effects. I know how hard it is to have ADD because I've watched him for 15 years and and my oldest ds has it too.

 

But is it ok if I whine for a moment about how hard it is to be married to someone with ADD? Especially if you are the polar opposite? I am type A, super-organized, goal-oriented, etc, etc.

 

I try really really really hard but some days I just want to scream. Like when I ask him to go outside and turn the steaks over on the grill and the next thing I know they are burning because he DID go outside but got distracted by something he saw in the garage and forgot about the steaks. Or like when he says he is going to 7-11 to get milk and he is gone for two hours because he got distracted...and forgot the milk.

 

He is a wonderful man. He tries. I try. We do our best to cope with our differences.

 

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

OK, pity party is over. :o

 

I'm the ADD spouse and my dh is like you:) But, I've realized this is exactly why God has us together. He needs my ADDness and I need his Type A-ness.

[JVA]

I can also relate! Mine has trouble with following through and finishing things. It bothers him almost as much as it bothers me.

 

These two books have been really helpful- I think there's a good portion in one of them devoted to marriage. It helped him understand what I go through.

 

Driven To Distraction

Delivered From Distraction

 

You're free to wine here. We get it. :grouphug:

[Impish]

Not ADD, but FASD, which has a lot of similar traits. Impulsiveness, and a serious inability to predict consequences, amongst others.

 

For example...spending hundreds of dollars this wk to help out his uncle...well, now we don't have the $ to pay for his van registration, which means we will have to use the money that was to go for other bills to cover the van, which leaves us screwed on bills...When I point this out to him, its a deer caught in the headlights situation. He genuinely does not connect the dots.

 

It gets frustrating to be the responsible one all the time. I love him dearly, he's a great husband and daddy, but being the heavy gets exhausting some days.

[Renthead Mommy]

Well I'm not married to anyone with ADD. However my husband claims he is!

 

Jackass bought me a tee shirt that says "I don't have ADD I just - OH look! A bunny!"

 

Apparently he feels, while it's mild enough, it's still there. He's chosen to use emails and pad schedules to cope with it. I try hard, and post-its are my friend. However it's also been said we could drown under all the post-it's around here some times!

[Heather in Neverland]

 

It isn't just what my ADD husband neglects that bothers me, but the hyper-focusing. Right now his new passion is making wine. We have six batches working in addition to all of the bottles aging from years past . . . I don't drink wine and he does so only rarely. Sigh. On the up side, he is good at it and all our friends love his wine.

 

.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean. :tongue_smilie: My dh has gone through several hyper-focus phases in our marriage. He will find a topic and spend all his time and energy (and often money) on it. Then one day... he just... stops. Then he goes on to something new. Cigars, computers, wood-working, weight-training, motorcycles (that one almost killed him)... I could go on and on.

 

The unfinished projects, books, conversations...

 

I try not to nag but if I go somewhere for a few hours I always call to make sure he feeds the kids. If I didn't he would not remember to do it until they complained.

 

When he is "in between" obsessions he is forlorn. So I am not sure which is worse. I guess when he is obsessed he is at least happy... he just forgets I exist.

 

He really doesn't mean to do any of it... it's just who he is. I get it but it is just so darn hard sometimes.

[Heather in Neverland]

Jackass bought me a tee shirt that says "I don't have ADD I just - OH look! A bunny!"

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I need a shirt like that for him! Hilarious.

[G5052]

I dated a guy with ADD and it was quite an experience. He was working on his dissertation, but his personal life was all over the place. Once he called the police because he was convinced that someone had stolen his car, but he had just parked it in a different lot. The rate at which he lost his personal belongings amazed me. I didn't grasp the issue until a friend of mine who was working on her family therapy degree pointed out that adults can have deficit problems as well. As it turned out, he found someone else who found his quirks more interesting than I did, and so that was that.

 

DH delegates the details to me and thus doesn't bother with them, but he certainly can track his vehicle and his own belongings just fine ;).

[Mejane]

ADHD. Undiagnosed except by me.

 

Dh can't keep a thought in his head for more than two seconds, goes missing in the middle of conversations, changes direction six times in mid-sentence, is constantly in motion... It is hard to live with, especially for us Type A's.

[Plucky]

Yes, he's ADHD like our son. It is hard, very hard. It is also hard on him. I hate ADHD.

[Lovedtodeath]

I am the spouse:D. I really have issues completing tasks and staying focused. It must drive DH nuts because he is a list checker and I always have 20 things going at once. Thankfully I don't grill but more than once I have boiled all the water out of a pot or something like that. I use the kitchen timer to remind me of just about everything. Sounds silly but it really works!

:grouphug: I am the spouse too and I really appreciate this thread.

 

Hyper-focusing is who I am. :D

Edited May 19, 2011 by Lovedtodeath

[Denisemomof4]

:sad: My dh must feel this at times but it's different for us. I suffered a TBI four years ago and it forever changed me. He saw how significant my challenges became after that so he never really gets mad at me, but I can certainly understand how frustrating it must be. I can't tell you how many times he's called to ask me to do something but once the phone is hung up, I completely forget that he ever asked me to do a thing. He will call me at the store to ask me to pick up milk, for example, and 9 times out of 10 I will come home without it. Recently dd11 and I stopped at the store on the way home and he called to ask us to get milk. When we got to the car I was so proud of myself for remembering and even said to dd, "Dad will be so shocked that he called to ask for milk and we actually GOT it!!!" But you know what? We got the milk but NOT the item we went to the store for!!! I get so frustrated myself. I can only imagine how frustrated your dh must get but being a man, he's probably not as vocal as me.

 

The girls and I laugh DAILY. On a DAILY BASIS I make myself a cup of hot tea and forget to drink it until it's cold. Yesterday I left my HOT TEA at the door so I could grab it as we walked out. It was RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. I only saw it when we returned and the tea was ice cold.

 

Today I made my morning cup of tea and then went to sit at the computer. Dd11 started to laugh and said, "Mom, are you going to drink your tea while it's hot?" It's just ridiculous.

 

I understand. I can only imagine how frustrating it is.:grouphug:

[JVA]

I just want to add that medication has REALLY helped my dh (and me). Our relationship came to a crisis point a few years ago and he went and sought help from a counselor. The direction to the books and eventual try at medication was the result. The therapy helped US to talk more openly about it.....I was almost continually frustrated and he got down because of the lapses and numerous unfinished projects. I've learned not to take his MO personally (hard for a type A, sequential, uber-organized person) and we are working as a team much better now.

Structure REALLY helps- like regular mtgs about bills, projects, goals etc..

Putting dates and deadlines on the calendar (which HE choose) has been a relief to me. He now has a greater sense of accomplishment (This for a CPA and finance director of a gov't agency) about what I would call the 'little things' in his life. He's got big fish to fry M-F and I don't want to overly burden with some things. But, our home is my office and he knows it has to function smoothly for me to be sane.

[Aubrey]

Have you *read* any of my threads? :lol: Yeah, there are plenty of times I've sat in a closet & cried. People want ME to do so much sometimes, plus 4 dc--esp the last couple of years when they were in diapers--& then dh. And since it's an invisible thing, no one knows, understands, offers help, etc. They ask dh to do more & more & more stuff, too, which means more for ME to keep up w/.

 

In sickness & in health, right? Even when the sickness is invisible, garners no sympathy or support, & even sometimes gets you ugly looks because you/spouse is obviously irresponsible, selfish, flippant, whatever.

 

Fwiw, my mom & my bro also have it. And oh. my. goodness. that makes the odds for my kids high. Yeah, sometimes I want to run away. :lol:

[Faith]

I'm not married to a person with ADD but I do have a son (age 20) with extreme ADD and not on meds currently and let me tell you, I have said many times (not in front of him, but to my husband) that I could NOT even begin to imagine being married to someone with ADD!!!! Yes, it is THAT difficult. Just being the mom of an adult ADD son is horrific. Don't get me wrong, I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world, but there are so many things that I help him with still. If I didn't, he wouldn't be able to keep up with life. I can only imagine your pain. I so feel for you!!!!!!!!!

[sleepymommy]

Heather your post describes my dh perfectly!

 

He is sooo not easy to live with. But I try to remind myself daily.. um no maybe hourly that he is who he is.

 

I get crazy frustrated, mainly because now my boys are starting to mimic his not-so-great traits.:001_huh:

 

The thing that drives me the most crazy though, is that his co-workers can go on and on about how organized and thorough he is at work, but somehow he cannot do the same at home. I tell them that his name and organized or thorough just do not belong together in the same sentence-it's just wrong!

 

His hyperfocus is his work.:glare:

[Night Elf]

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

:grouphug: Not true at all. Your feelings are very important regardless of the circumstances. My DH could relate since I'm ADD. :D Honestly, we've just learned that there are some things that just need to be done by him if he has certain expectations. Sometimes he has to help me focus on one task, much like some of the parents on this board have to get their kid to sit still and focus on one thing. But I tell you, I was only diagnosed this year and since starting meds, I'm so very different. I can't stand the thought of going back to the way I was before.

[Night Elf]

a tee shirt that says "I don't have ADD I just - OH look! A bunny!"

 

I want that shirt!!! DH laughed out loud when I read that to him. :)

[specialmama]

My dh is the exact same way. He's forever busy due to distractions. Taking the garbage out turns into a 3 hour affair because he sees so many things along the way that need his attention. On top of the ADD my dh has (un-dx) asperger's. He lacks the filter to differentiate between socially appropriate comments and things you should never say to anyone.

I struggle with it as well, but had a mini-revelation a few years ago. I looked at my son, who has classic autism, and thought, wow, how I pray that whoever marries him (if he ever reaches that level of ability) will be more loving and gracious toward him and his quirks than I am with my dh. :confused: It really got me thinking. My son, for the most part, can't help his quirks. I'd want a woman in his life to accept him and focus on the positives and help him (not hinder him or bicker) about his shortcomings. It just really dawned on me that I need to be that woman for my dh, because he can't help it either. :grouphug: I'm no saint, but I see it as a long journey to being the best wife I can be, to build him up and help him be all that God made him to be. On the bad days when I want to snap, a little escape is good for me. Coffee with a friend, a drive in the neighbourhood, anything to give me a little reflection space. Sending cyber-hugs because I get it. :grouphug:

[Heidi]

I know there have been threads on here about adults that struggle with ADD. But are any of you married to one of those adults?

 

I am.

 

My dh is classic ADD. He has been on and off meds most of his life. He is currently not on them because of the...ahem... "adverse" side effects. I know how hard it is to have ADD because I've watched him for 15 years and and my oldest ds has it too.

 

But is it ok if I whine for a moment about how hard it is to be married to someone with ADD? Especially if you are the polar opposite? I am type A, super-organized, goal-oriented, etc, etc.

 

I try really really really hard but some days I just want to scream. Like when I ask him to go outside and turn the steaks over on the grill and the next thing I know they are burning because he DID go outside but got distracted by something he saw in the garage and forgot about the steaks. Or like when he says he is going to 7-11 to get milk and he is gone for two hours because he got distracted...and forgot the milk.

 

He is a wonderful man. He tries. I try. We do our best to cope with our differences.

 

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

OK, pity party is over. :o

 

 

My husband swears he has ADD, but you just described us oppositely. I get distracted and my dh is definitly Type A. Now I'm confused. :001_huh:

 

Squirrel!

[LittleIzumi]

Me!!!

 

Hubby FINALLY (after years of denial & then years of counseling but refusing meds) started Adderall. *cue Hallelujiah chorus*

 

He's actually been on it for a while now, about two years I think. The difference is HUGE. He is also still seeing his psychologist, which helps him get his conscious brain wrapped around things better, but the meds make an incredible difference.

 

He took 5 years to graduate high school, tried going to college 5 times & dropped out, thought he was just stupid/doomed to failure, etc. Now he is in his third semester with a 4.0. He wants to go into psychology himself now. The hyper-focusing has slowly improved, too!

[sheryl]

Yes, you have permission to vent....why not?

 

My dd was diagnosed with add/adhd. Now her neurologist is questioning that and she may be oppositional only......:glare: He's not dismissing she has add/adhd, but he wants her to go back to a counselor and/or psychitatist.

 

I wa not knowledgeable with add, adhd issues before my dd was diagnosed. Now that I know how it looks, I've come to realize that my dh "may" have these tendacies. Why am I just now learning this after over 30 years of marriage????

 

He has not been officially diagnosed, but I do believe he may have one or more of these issues after I've learned these issues from my dd.

[Lovedtodeath]

Heather your post describes my dh perfectly!

 

He is sooo not easy to live with. But I try to remind myself daily.. um no maybe hourly that he is who he is.

 

I get crazy frustrated, mainly because now my boys are starting to mimic his not-so-great traits.:001_huh:

 

The thing that drives me the most crazy though, is that his co-workers can go on and on about how organized and thorough he is at work, but somehow he cannot do the same at home. I tell them that his name and organized or thorough just do not belong together in the same sentence-it's just wrong!

 

His hyperfocus is his work.:glare:

Tee hee. Yep. I have always been awesome at my jobs. I come home and I am useless.

 

but there are so many things that I help him with still. If I didn't, he wouldn't be able to keep up with life.

How does one with this ADD have any self esteem at all? Am I just taking up space and being a burden?

[Carol in Cal.]

I resemble Heather's description. The hyper focus thing is as bad as the other, I think.

 

Regarding sympathy, I do have it. Honest. But I also think that adults with ADD should take some responsibility for mitigating its effects on others.

 

For instance, I don't have ADD but I have NO sense of direction. None. I am pathetic in that regard. But I compensate. I print out maps of where I'm going, even if I have been there before. I turn off the radio so I can concentrate. I leave extra time to get lost. I don't expect everyone else to always make up for this problem of mine.

 

Similarly, people with ADD could make lists. They could instill a practice of looking back every time they cross a threshold to see if they left a trail of chaos behind. They could get those watches that vibrate every 10 minutes that doctors give kids--the signal is to look around and think about what you SHOULD be doing. They could write a list down when they call their wives and ask them for the 10th time what all they were going to get at the store. :glare: They could apply the same self-management skills in their family life that they somehow muster up in their careers. :glare:

[Firestar Academy]

ADHD. Undiagnosed except by me.

 

Dh can't keep a thought in his head for more than two seconds, goes missing in the middle of conversations, changes direction six times in mid-sentence, is constantly in motion... It is hard to live with, especially for us Type A's.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

this.is.my.life..

 

robin

[Lovedtodeath]

They could apply the same self-management skills in their family life that they somehow muster up in their careers. :glare:

That's just it. We would if it were possible. For some reason it just won't work.

 

You know, I have been thinking about this... my dad had polio and has walked on crutches his whole life. My mom has been overworked at times because he can't mow the lawn or carry in the groceries. But he did find a way to care for the kids, he does the dishes, he has skills to use to support his family financially and he has pushed himself (so much so that he has post-polio syndrome now).

 

Some kind of balance needs to be found for anyone with a disability...

 

I would think that a man who supports the family financially would get a break. IDK... I keep typing and erasing because this thread is for the spouses, not for me. I think we need a spin-off thread.

[Impish]

I would think that a man who supports the family financially would get a break. IDK... I keep typing and erasing because this thread is for the spouses, not for me. I think we need a spin-off thread.

I don't think anyone has said that their spouses are bad. Some things are challenging to deal with in a marriage...Believe me, my having RSD is a HUGE challenge for my husband. His having FASD is a challenge for me.

 

That doesn't mean either of us is 'lesser than', it simply means that the other steps in with their strengths to balance things out.

 

Does Wolf get tired of having a wife in constant pain? You bet. Do I get tired of having to police our bank acct, b/c his impulsiveness could break us financially? Yup. But we work it out.

[Unicorn.]

I

And I feel like I am not even allowed to get frustrated by it because he has a "condition" and "can't help it" so if I complain then I am being "insensitive". But it is HARD, ya know?

 

. :o

 

Hard doesn't even begin to describe life w/ a spouse that has add. Throw in 2 dc w/ extreme adhd, and one that is possibly add, but hyperfocuses, and life can be a living h*ll. Dh and I have conversations about the bold part all the time. Our lives got much better after he got a palm, and now he uses his cell phone. He must have lists. And yes, he leaves mid conversation, forgets w/in seconds, etc, etc. I have always had to take care of everything, house, kids, bills, yard, cars, etc. He is getting better since he uses lists, but it is still SO hard. And if he doesn't take his Omega 3's, he better not come home! Just sayin- wow!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to all of you dealing w/ this too!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Yes dh has ADD :glare:

[LittleIzumi]

Do I get tired of having to police our bank acct, b/c his impulsiveness could break us financially? Yup.

 

Dh cut up his debit card awhile ago b/c he realized he just could not control himself with it. That's how he handles his impulses--either gives in, or makes it completely impossible for himself to access it. He knows his self-control in the moment is tenuous at best. He also super-schedules & organizes his school stuff & essentially hyper-focuses there right now, & lets everything else slide. Fine with me--I'll take that over a video game or paintball hyper-focus any day!!

[Plink]

How does one with this ADD have any self esteem at all? Am I just taking up space and being a burden?

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I don't think anyone thinks of their spouse as a burden - they think of the ADD as a struggle to attack together. Please, please don't feel persecuted.

 

Similarly, people with ADD could make lists. They could instill a practice of looking back every time they cross a threshold to see if they left a trail of chaos behind. They could get those watches that vibrate every 10 minutes that doctors give kids--the signal is to look around and think about what you SHOULD be doing. They could write a list down when they call their wives and ask them for the 10th time what all they were going to get at the store. :glare: They could apply the same self-management skills in their family life that they somehow muster up in their careers. :glare:

 

As kindly as possible, may I entirely disagree with you? I think this is the biggest misconception about ADD. People with ADD can not just try harder and fix themselves. They can learn some coping strategies, but when your mind just flies away to another topic in the middle of a conversation, no list, system, or self-help book is going to help you to repair the dent in your relationships.

 

Meds help, digital reminders help, lists help, and things can improve but there is no miracle cure.

[AngelBee]

Tee hee. Yep. I have always been awesome at my jobs. I come home and I am useless.

 

How does one with this ADD have any self esteem at all? Am I just taking up space and being a burden?

:grouphug: It is hard having ADD/ADHD. I was diagnosed at 27. They said I was in the 98%. One of the worst cases of ADHD they had ever seen. :(

 

It is hard reading this thread, but it has opened my eyes to some things that I have not fully considered regarding my relationship with dh. Dealing with me has to be exhausting! :001_huh:

[Mejane]

They could apply the same self-management skills in their family life that they somehow muster up in their careers. :glare:

 

I tend to agree here, as I've watched dh grow in his career. He can handle multi-million dollar accounts, but can't remember if I said milk or bread. I think what happens, though, is that he puts ALL his attention on the job because that's what's most important. There just isn't any power of focus left for anything else.

 

I'm actually thankful it's he and not I when I think of the myriad tasks I do simultaneously in a given day.

[Aubrey]

How does one with this ADD have any self esteem at all? Am I just taking up space and being a burden?

 

This is why I cry in the closet when I need to--I don't want to make dh feel bad. But beyond frustrating, it is SCARY to live w/ him sometimes. And to put our children's lives in his hands.

 

He's put a carseat in the car w/out remembering to buckle it in before--on a long roadtrip. I found out when baby & carseat both careened into the floor board. He's lost keys because he left them in the door or the car, & then strange, scary men come beating on my door or window to dangle them in front of me threateningly, er, I mean, return them.

 

When he takes the kids to a church function, family thing, whatever, people call ME to tell me how he accidentally let the kids run off, get lost, play in the parking lot. There have been periods where I couldn't be alone because even dh really could not watch the kids.

 

When something he's done hits him in the face, he gets depressed. As bad as the ADD is, depression for him is MUCH worse.

 

I can't imagine why someone w/ ADD would open this thread or make my life harder because they think I don't give my dh enough slack, but as far as taking all of this personally: there are different degrees of disease. There are different personalities that handle it better or worse. My dh just had a wreck with an AIRPLANE. I'm guessing yours isn't that bad. ;)

[Aubrey]

As kindly as possible, may I entirely disagree with you? I think this is the biggest misconception about ADD. People with ADD can not just try harder and fix themselves. They can learn some coping strategies, but when your mind just flies away to another topic in the middle of a conversation, no list, system, or self-help book is going to help you to repair the dent in your relationships.

 

Meds help, digital reminders help, lists help, and things can improve but there is no miracle cure.

 

Here's the thing: *I* don't know what a person w/ ADD can/can't do. I can't say to dh: Look. This person uses a list. Why don't YOU?? Because a) I know dh would lose the list, & b) I don't know what HE is capable of. If I decide that he SHOULD be able to function normally if he'd just use a daytimer, list, watch, whatever, I'm no longer able to encourage, support, etc. Because then, when it doesn't work, I'm mad.

 

I have to focus on loving him in sickness & in health, for better or worse, or I'll start blaming him for not "fixing" the problem. If he CAN fix it, yeah, he needs to do so, but me telling him that hardly seems helpful. He's a grown man. He's heard it from me, his mother, & everybody else. If he CAN'T fix it, hearing that he OUGHT to is just...depressing.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I don't think anyone thinks of their spouse as a burden - they think of the ADD as a struggle to attack together. Please, please don't feel persecuted.

 

 

 

As kindly as possible, may I entirely disagree with you? I think this is the biggest misconception about ADD. People with ADD can not just try harder and fix themselves. They can learn some coping strategies, but when your mind just flies away to another topic in the middle of a conversation, no list, system, or self-help book is going to help you to repair the dent in your relationships.

 

Meds help, digital reminders help, lists help, and things can improve but there is no miracle cure.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Dd has many signs of ADD as well. We have short lists of the absolute basics posted on her door & the bathroom door. (You know--things like GET DRESSED or FLUSH in order.) Nope. Didn't help. She'll still come flying out of the bathroom saying she's done, but then when I ask her if she remembered to wash her hands--oops. I forgot! And she runs back.

[Mejane]

This is why I cry in the closet when I need to--I don't want to make dh feel bad. But beyond frustrating, it is SCARY to live w/ him sometimes. And to put our children's lives in his hands.

 

 

 

Aubrey, I understand. I remember when our kids were little, I had to tell dh not to let them walk behind him in parking lots. He was so focused on what he needed to get at whatever store, he would charge out of the car and ahead assuming they were following. Never even occurred to him that they were so small, a car could have backed right over them. I was furious the first time I realized he did this. Then angry that I had to remind him every time he took them out. Then scared wondering if he would forget. It's exhausting.

[LittleIzumi]

I imagine the career-focus works as the current hyper-focus. Dd will get in hyper-focus & do art all. day. long. and for days. But other times she'll cry/yell that she is "so distracted" and that her brain is spinning around.

[Lovedtodeath]

I tend to agree here, as I've watched dh grow in his career. He can handle multi-million dollar accounts, but can't remember if I said milk or bread. I think what happens, though, is that he puts ALL his attention on the job because that's what's most important. There just isn't any power of focus left for anything else.

 

I'm actually thankful it's he and not I when I think of the myriad tasks I do simultaneously in a given day.

:iagree:Our lives would work more smoothly if I (the one with ADD) could make enough money to support DH as a stay at home Dad. We have tried to work towards that goal, because we know this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I don't think anyone thinks of their spouse as a burden - they think of the ADD as a struggle to attack together. Please, please don't feel persecuted.

 

 

 

As kindly as possible, may I entirely disagree with you? I think this is the biggest misconception about ADD. People with ADD can not just try harder and fix themselves. They can learn some coping strategies, but when your mind just flies away to another topic in the middle of a conversation, no list, system, or self-help book is going to help you to repair the dent in your relationships.

 

Meds help, digital reminders help, lists help, and things can improve but there is no miracle cure.

 

I can't imagine why someone w/ ADD would open this thread

 

Wonderful posts. and you are right. Reading this thread started out as informative and ended up depressing. I shouldn't have opened it.

[kitten18]

 

 

As kindly as possible, may I entirely disagree with you? I think this is the biggest misconception about ADD. People with ADD can not just try harder and fix themselves. They can learn some coping strategies, but when your mind just flies away to another topic in the middle of a conversation, no list, system, or self-help book is going to help you to repair the dent in your relationships.

 

Meds help, digital reminders help, lists help, and things can improve but there is no miracle cure.

Thank You.:grouphug:

 

I'm definitely the one with ADD in our marriage. I know I make DH crazy, I make myself crazy!!!

[AngelBee]

This is why I cry in the closet when I need to--I don't want to make dh feel bad. But beyond frustrating, it is SCARY to live w/ him sometimes. And to put our children's lives in his hands.

 

He's put a carseat in the car w/out remembering to buckle it in before--on a long roadtrip. I found out when baby & carseat both careened into the floor board. He's lost keys because he left them in the door or the car, & then strange, scary men come beating on my door or window to dangle them in front of me threateningly, er, I mean, return them.

 

When he takes the kids to a church function, family thing, whatever, people call ME to tell me how he accidentally let the kids run off, get lost, play in the parking lot. There have been periods where I couldn't be alone because even dh really could not watch the kids.

 

When something he's done hits him in the face, he gets depressed. As bad as the ADD is, depression for him is MUCH worse.

 

I can't imagine why someone w/ ADD would open this thread or make my life harder because they think I don't give my dh enough slack, but as far as taking all of this personally: there are different degrees of disease. There are different personalities that handle it better or worse. My dh just had a wreck with an AIRPLANE. I'm guessing yours isn't that bad. ;)

:grouphug:

 

I think it also changes symptoms based on gender and personality.

 

I am OVERLY protective of my kids and I have ADHD. To the point of causing great anxiety in myself. My dh, who does not have ADHD, so laxed. Drives me batty! :)

[AngelBee]

Here's the thing: *I* don't know what a person w/ ADD can/can't do. I can't say to dh: Look. This person uses a list. Why don't YOU?? Because a) I know dh would lose the list, & b) I don't know what HE is capable of. If I decide that he SHOULD be able to function normally if he'd just use a daytimer, list, watch, whatever, I'm no longer able to encourage, support, etc. Because then, when it doesn't work, I'm mad.

 

I have to focus on loving him in sickness & in health, for better or worse, or I'll start blaming him for not "fixing" the problem. If he CAN fix it, yeah, he needs to do so, but me telling him that hardly seems helpful. He's a grown man. He's heard it from me, his mother, & everybody else. If he CAN'T fix it, hearing that he OUGHT to is just...depressing.

:iagree:

[AngelBee]

Wonderful posts. and you are right. Reading this thread started out as informative and ended up depressing. I shouldn't have opened it.

I am reading this as Katy Perry is singing Firework in the background. ;)

 

Do not be depressed! You were created perfect in the Gods image! :) :grouphug: We can't hide the fact that our way of doing things causes an affect onour families. But that can be said for all people whether they struggle with ADHD or not.

 

BABY YOUR A FIREWORK! EVEN BRIGHTER THAN THE MOON! :lol: