I don't know if I can ever let go enough to consider myself a "free-range parent" but

[NanceXToo]

I'm really making an effort here to let go some with my 10 1/2 year old daughter. So far she's mostly only been allowed to stick to our backyard and friend's backyards or the sidewalk in front of the houses on our street. I almost never let her go off of our block without an adult. Something that was rough last year when all the other neighborhood kids (consisting of a girl a year older than her, a boy a year younger than her, and her twin cousins who are about two years younger than her) all started being allowed to ride their bikes "around the block" and stop at the park around the corner and so on.

 

I PROMISED her that we would revisit that stuff "next spring, when you're 10 1/2."

 

Well... here we are. :P

 

I read "Protecting The Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)" by Gavin de Becker. (Loved).

 

I am in the process of reading "The Safe Zone: A Kid's Guide To Personal Safety" by Donna Chaiet and Francine Russel with my daughter. (Loving).

 

And I just today got in the mail from Amazon "Free Range Kids, How To Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry)" by Lenore Skenazy and started reading through the introduction and first chapter already. (Looking promising).

 

I talk to my daughter about various types of safety and common sense issues. She's been taking Judo classes for months now. I even called my very small, local, suburban police department to ask them if there was anything I should worry about in the neighboring streets and areas where my daughter wants to go walking and bike-riding with other neighborhood kids and was told that there are no registered pedophiles in the area.

 

I plan to give her a cell phone she can use when she's leaving our block so that we can get in touch with each other.

 

I was allowed to leave the house and wander pretty much wherever I wanted whenever I wanted as long as I was home by dark when I was a kid and I came through (mostly) unscathed.

 

I KNOW logically that odds are she'll be fine too.

 

So why is is so freakin hard for me to watch my kid walk out of my sight without this constant worry that "something" is going to happen to her? And does that EVER get easier?

 

(I have a 19 y/o daughter too so you'd think I'd be a pro at this by now, but because of her special needs it's just not the same, she's always had pretty much constant supervision all along).

[Janie Grace]

I think it's the media. I read somewhere that there aren't more horrible things happening nowadays, it's just that we read all about every. single. one. That makes us feel like the world is a much scarier place.

[Julie Smith]

I can't be of any help here, except to offer you encouragement. I am by nature a free range parent.

 

Im also pretty sure that unless you live in a bad area - things are statically safeer in comparison to when we were kids.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From your past posts it seems like the neighborhood kids are a greater danger to her (at least to her innocence). I would let her bike around the block if she were with her cousins.

[specialmama]

I don't think it gets easier. ;) We got my dd12 a cell phone for her birthday for this exact reason. She is only to use it to call us or 911. She walks the dogs and is gone for a half hour, but calls me halfway through. She has ridden her bike for half an hour also, along a predetermined route she is not to stray from. The way I see it, parenting is a slow release of control. You start with your hands firmly together, and by the time they're 20 you want your arms wide open. So right now your hands may be about a foot apart and it's panic time, right? :lol: I hear ya! As long as we slowly progress to that open armedness (?) then I think we're fine. I agree the cell phone is a good idea. It's almost impossible to find a payphone nowadays. :glare:

[milovany]

 

And I just today got in the mail from Amazon "Free Range Kids, How To Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry)" by Lenore Skenazy and started reading through the introduction and first chapter already. (Looking promising).

 

Finish this. It's really good at addressing our fears (not that nothing ever happens, but the reality is that our fears outweigh reality in a grossly exaggerated way). I loved this book. I'm still learning too! I have to swallow my fear when my 11 yo son or 9yo daughter ask to ride their bike to the end of a street near ours that goes for a good half mile before ending at a creek. They're waaay out of my sight, and I don't send a cell phone with them. Like you, I force myself to think about my childhood -- we had a school about four blocks from where we lived, and we rode out bikes down there to play regularly, in addition to riding them much farther and wider than that just to ride.

[Sahamamama]

I read "Protecting The Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)" by Gavin de Becker. (Loved).

 

I am in the process of reading "The Safe Zone: A Kid's Guide To Personal Safety" by Donna Chaiet and Francine Russel with my daughter. (Loving).

 

And I just today got in the mail from Amazon "Free Range Kids, How To Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry)" by Lenore Skenazy and started reading through the introduction and first chapter already. (Looking promising).

 

I read both of these books, too. I agree with Gavin. He writes from what he KNOWS about our present culture, which is NOT the same as it was when were children.

 

OTOH, I disagreed with Lenore. IMO, she writes from wanting to sell a book, based on a faulty concept -- that the media freaks us out about the dangers, but they're so statistically miniscule as to be negligible. Really? If your child is the .003% of murdered children per year? :glare: I don't believe that her approach is wise.

 

Nor was our childhood culture ever really as safe as our naive parents thought it was. Ask me how I know. :glare: I ran all over the place and had to be "in by dark," too... but I did not "get through" it unscathed. I think we had rose-colored glasses on in the 70s and 80s, and more of us actually did not "get through" than we were aware of. Just my two cents.

[annlaura]

I was just remembering last night how I used to ride my big wheel around far from where my mother could see, while I am only allowing DS to go up and down the sidewalk out front. I've read Protecting the Gift. I'll have to check out the other two. It's hard to let go. I hope you and your DD find what works for you both.

[milovany]

I was just remembering last night how I used to ride my big wheel around far from where my mother could see, while I am only allowing DS to go up and down the sidewalk out front. I've read Protecting the Gift. I'll have to check out the other two. It's hard to let go. I hope you and your DD find what works for you both.

 

Something that really spoke to me (and I can't remember where I saw it) was a graphic that showed how the boundary of how far kids were allowed to roam unsupervised has gone from a 3-mile radius in the last x-number of years to basically our driveways. I'm probably exaggerating a bit (although not much), I just remember how I saw that, compared it to my own childhood, and just want, "Huh."

 

ETA -- I just tried to Google "boundary kids roam driveway" to see if I could find the graphic I'm thinking of and this was the number one result. Apparently even our driveways are scary, dangerous places now, too. Just keep 'em inside. :D

Edited May 6, 2011 by milovaný

[WishboneDawn]

 

ETA -- I just tried to Google "boundary kids roam driveway" to see if I could find the graphic I'm thinking of and this was the number one result. Apparently even our driveways are scary, dangerous places now, too. Just keep 'em inside. :D

 

Wow! What a product! We'd never have to teach our kids road safety.

[Twilight Woods]

I have just allowed riding around the block with a friend. BUT I make her carry her cell phone with her when she goes. I also allow her to ride her bike to her friends house a couple blocks away, but in the same subdivision...cell phone usage is mandatory.

 

 

:)

[Word Nerd]

I appreciated Gavin de Becker's book and think it offers some excellent tips. I've also read a lot of Lenore Skenazy's blog posts and columns (though not her book) and like a lot of what she says as well. My parenting style is somewhere in between. My kids do play outside with minimal supervision, and my 10YO sometimes runs to the corner store a couple of blocks away by herself (gasp!).

 

It's true that the likelihood that a child will be the victim of a stranger are extremely small (the vast majority of crimes against children are committed by someone who the child knows), and the media most certainly exaggerates the dangers of being a kid. What bugs me about her perspective is that she seems to think that predatory strangers are as mythical as the boogeyman and that for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Her "Take Our Children to the Park…And Leave Them There Day" publicity stunt last year just seemed ridiculous to me. I also have the impression that she believes crime rates are lower now than when we were kids because people are just nicer now. She won't even entertain the possibility (in anything I've read by her, anyway) that the fact that parents are much more hands-on and protective in general helps to lower crime rates by giving would-be criminals less opportunity.

[DianeW88]

I am a free range parent. My 10 yo ds goes outside regularly when his friends (who all walk to school on their own, btw) come home "to play". They play at each other's houses, at the "dirt pile" and in general roam the streets of our neighborhood on their own, with no supervision and no cell phones.

 

You just need to do it. You don't want your child to all of a sudden be high school age and have absolutely no (for lack of a better word) "street skills". That is when they are more likely to be taken advantage of with more serious consequences involved. How can they develop that "gift of fear" if they never have to use it??? Kids confined to their driveways or their front yards with mommy looking out the window every other minute to make sure they haven't been abducted never have to use it.

 

There is also the very real problem of "tea-cup children" (coined by university administrators) of kids being so fragile and inexperienced that they can't handle college level life, decisions and independence. I do not want that to be my kids, so I forced myself (with my oldest) to be that "free-range" parent. It has probably been the greatest gift I have given my children.

[lmkzbcb]

Well, don't do what I did, which was to go to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children's website. I read story after story about kids. EYE OPENING!! in one sense b/c I never knew there were so many different ways that kids have disappeared or worse. Also gave me some good tips on how to keep them safe, just knowing how these *sses are tricking kids.

Then OTOH, I now have a story for almost every situation rolling around in my head. Not such a good thing sometimes.

[annlaura]

I do think it depends to a certain degree on where you live too. Kids in our neighborhood walk to school and the park, and lots of parents are out with the littles. The man who owns the furniture store stands in his doorway (not in a creepy way) when the kids get out of school. Everyone is looking out for each other's children, and that makes a big difference.

[twoforjoy]

I think technology has changed things for us; we now expect to be in 24/7 contact with people, and get worried when we're not. I don't know, I do think that's had a pretty profound impact on our sense of security, even moreso maybe than the media.

 

I'm a pretty easygoing parent, I think, but I still can't believe that, back in the 90s, my (pretty overprotective) parents would let me go out at night without any way to contact me. I mean, of course they did: cell phones weren't common then, and that's just what you did. But, given that I get worried if my DH is a little late coming home from work and doesn't answer his cell phone--because, of course, if I can't get in touch with somebody right away, I assume the worst, since most of the time I can immediately get into contact with anybody I want to--I can't imagine I'd be cool with my kids going out as teenagers without any way for me to contact them. It's just become an expectation that we can always get in touch with people, and when we can't, even if they're not that far away, it's disconcerting.

 

I just try my best to consider the real risks. Driving is probably the most risky thing we can do with our children; they are far, far more likely to die in a car accident than to be abducted by a stranger. And yet I don't know any parents who refuse to drive their kids around because of the chance of an accident, because we consider it a necessity. But isn't playing and exploring just as much a necessity? So if I can justify driving my kids on the highway to buy groceries, then I can justify allowing my six-year-old to walk three houses over to his friend's house by himself to play (although I do expect him to go into their yard and give me a shout when he gets there) or to play in the yard or in front of the house with friends his age or older without my supervising.

 

So much of it is that our expectations are conditioned by what other people do, though. I really struggle with this. Tonight my DS wanted to eat his dinner on the porch, where he'd been reading. Nobody else wanted to eat on the porch. Reasonably, I know that he's statistically more likely to choke on his sandwich than to be abducted by a stranger, and yet of course I wasn't worried about his choking without anybody around. Nope, I was worried that I shouldn't let him eat out there alone because other parents don't let there kids that age be alone on the porch in the evening because the child might be abducted, and does that make me an irresponsible/neglectful parent if I don't do the same?

Edited May 6, 2011 by twoforjoy

[Julie Smith]

I just try my best to consider the real risks. Driving is probably the most risky thing we can do with our children; they are far, far more likely to die in a car accident than to be abducted by a stranger. And yet I don't know any parents who refuse to drive their kids around because of the chance of an accident, because we consider it a necessity. But isn't playing and exploring just as much a necessity? So if I can justify driving my kids on the highway to buy groceries, then I can justify allowing my six-year-old to walk three houses over to his friend's house by himself to play (although I do expect him to go into their yard and give me a shout when he gets there) or to play in the yard or in front of the house with friends his age or older without my supervising.

 

I am most worried about car accidents. I actually don't drive many places because of this. We set up our live so we can commute via feet or bikes. I still worry about my youngest. But he is getting much better about streets. My eldest is very good about road safety. But road safety is the top priority here.

 

We have drawn out maps of roads and talked about how to properly look for cars (Look left and right just doesn't cut it). Talked about pretty much everything we can about road safety.

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, I think you need to let go somehow. I am a somewhat laid-bakc parent although I do freak out sometimes even so.

 

Today I dropped off dd 17 to take the T in a not-so-nice town. I actually literally dropped her off behind the station and she had to figure out how to find it on her own while there even were some sleazy-looking boys there (as pr. what she later told me). I got home and as we exited the car we realised she had forgotten her wallet (and I did not bring a phone). OK, drove back 20 minutes to not find her. I concluded that she either boarded the train and went to Boston sans monies (calling a girlfriend to then meet her and take the bus or something), or that she boarded the train without knowing she did not have her wallet, or that she was waiting for me. I did not find her and drove home. Had a few seconds of panic, thinking what if something happened to her (because I felt bad that I had dropped her, but I am always afraid of being over-protective.

 

Well, in the end I got back home and discovered she had called home and had decided to walk (pretty far) to the library where she had been waiting for me. The boys had actually hollered after her, but she had pulled out her phone and called up her dad and spoken to him.

 

No, I don't feel bad about the incident. She managed and did well. She felt ok with not going to Boston and meeting up with her friends after all because she felt it wasn't meant to be (her having forgotten her purse) and she was glad to know how I immediately had turned around to try and bring her the purse before the train left.

 

I am very much for safety for my kids, but I do want them to also think and be able to feel good about being out and about. When I think about what situations I was put in.....no way, Jose, but also no way, Jose, to the way many people here are over-protecting their kids....

[Word Nerd]

I do think it depends to a certain degree on where you live too. Kids in our neighborhood walk to school and the park, and lots of parents are out with the littles. The man who owns the furniture store stands in his doorway (not in a creepy way) when the kids get out of school. Everyone is looking out for each other's children, and that makes a big difference.

 

:iagree:

[*Inna*]

 

Nor was our childhood culture ever really as safe as our naive parents thought it was. Ask me how I know. :glare: I ran all over the place and had to be "in by dark," too... but I did not "get through" it unscathed. I think we had rose-colored glasses on in the 70s and 80s, and more of us actually did not "get through" than we were aware of. Just my two cents.

:iagree:

[Peela]

I have always been fairly free range but my son is telling me that he feels we were ridiculously over protective of his sister (older by 17 months) around the issue of going to parties and he is surprised we are not so over protective over him regarding them. All I can see is...she is a girl, she is our first born, and she is very peer influenced. But we are letting go in that area too.

But in regards to riding around, exploring the neighbourhood, and then catching public transport with friends and then alone....lots of freedom. Strange thing is, it still ended up being less than when I was a kid- catching a bus and train to school, leaving home at 6.45am, disappearing into the bush for half a day alone or with my brother, going for long walks alone...my kids have not been as free range as I was just by circumstance, and also by interest. They love Scouts, camping with friends, jumping off the cliff into the river with friends, but are not nature people in the sense their dad and i were. They wouldnt think to go for a bush walk on their own.

[idnib]

I'm glad you read Protecting the Gift. In it the author mentions a couple of organizations. One of them is KidPower and I can't remember the other. DH and 7yo DS are going to a KP program this summer. I like the idea of hands-on practice of situations and it's also for my own peace of mind.

 

I've recently let my 7yo began running around the block as a quick way to let off energy. A couple of days ago he didn't return to the house right away and I found him petting the neighbor's cat in their front yard. But that moment of panic in which I realized it had been too long was scary. I thought I must have made a mistake and I flashed back to a forgotten memory of riding in the car with my parents, looking for my brother in the neighborhood when he failed to turn up for dinner. (All was well.)

 

It's all a bit scary but we're moving forward anyway.

 

:grouphug:

[Halcyon]

I would recommend that she always have a "buddy"-someone whom she watches out for and someone who watches out for her. Alternatively, if she has an older friend who can be relied upon?

 

My son is almost 9 and he's allowed to wander around our gated community by himself, although he mostly wanders around with his 11 year old friend (a great kid who is responsible). He has made good choices so far: he encountered some kids who were throwing stones at a reptile and he wouldn't participate, and he told me he won't play with them. He also was walking the dog one afternoon, and the dog got away from him and chased after a neighbour's dog that was on his leash. The owner got really upset with my son, threatening to "call the police on him" because our dog was off the leash. Some adults who were nearby told me about it, and said our son was very polite but quickly moved away from him. I was proud.

 

I am not a totally free range parent, but having lived in Manhattan where I had to be with my children. every. single. moment (no running around the streets of Manhattan at 8 years old LOL) I am happy to give him this opportunity to grow up a little.

 

Oh, and we do have VERY set times when he must be home or check in. He must never be late, even by 2 minutes. He hasn't been so far. This eases my mind.

[Trish]

I think it's the media. I read somewhere that there aren't more horrible things happening nowadays, it's just that we read all about every. single. one. That makes us feel like the world is a much scarier place.

 

Do you really believe that there AREN'T more horrible things happening nowadays? That the newspaper didn't bother reporting them way back when? The horrible things I remember from my childhood are someone getting hit by a car, someone dying in a fire, someone mixing chlorine and gas in their backyard ending up in a burn unit.

 

These days I almost feel immune to stories like: man stabs wife to death in front of their two children (local 3rd grade teacher); guy walks into insurance office, asks for money, throws gasoline on them, sets them afire (one dies that day, other one days later), teens lure other teen to home for nationally-televised beating. Then the pedophiles: scout leader, church youth group leader, local PRINCIPAL. Woman just got sentenced to 30 years in jail because she and her boyfriend concocted hundreds of porn images (some of which included the nieces she babysat); woman murders boyfriend because he hit the lotto, hides his body with the help of her OTHER boyfriend (a lawyer), body entombed on his property. Teacher jailed or having affair with middle school student. Teacher busted for trading good grades for sexual favors at the local high school.

 

Okay I have a lot more but these are just the ones off the top of my head, recent, and LOCAL. not off the national news.

 

I'm sorry but no, the ubiquitousness of pornography, especially the child variety, leads me to believe that kids are not safe. I have sat with the kids at every practice, every game, every overnight baseball trip (parents who did not know ME well asked me to 'keep an eye on' their kids! Yes I'm trustworthy, but THEY don't know that!)

 

I think we're kidding ourselves if we believe we're just "hearing about it" more now.

 

Seriously.

[lauracolumbus]

:iagree:

Do you really believe that there AREN'T more horrible things happening nowadays? That the newspaper didn't bother reporting them way back when? The horrible things I remember from my childhood are someone getting hit by a car, someone dying in a fire, someone mixing chlorine and gas in their backyard ending up in a burn unit.

 

These days I almost feel immune to stories like: man stabs wife to death in front of their two children (local 3rd grade teacher); guy walks into insurance office, asks for money, throws gasoline on them, sets them afire (one dies that day, other one days later), teens lure other teen to home for nationally-televised beating. Then the pedophiles: scout leader, church youth group leader, local PRINCIPAL. Woman just got sentenced to 30 years in jail because she and her boyfriend concocted hundreds of porn images (some of which included the nieces she babysat); woman murders boyfriend because he hit the lotto, hides his body with the help of her OTHER boyfriend (a lawyer), body entombed on his property. Teacher jailed or having affair with middle school student. Teacher busted for trading good grades for sexual favors at the local high school.

 

Okay I have a lot more but these are just the ones off the top of my head, recent, and LOCAL. not off the national news.

 

I'm sorry but no, the ubiquitousness of pornography, especially the child variety, leads me to believe that kids are not safe. I have sat with the kids at every practice, every game, every overnight baseball trip (parents who did not know ME well asked me to 'keep an eye on' their kids! Yes I'm trustworthy, but THEY don't know that!)

 

I think we're kidding ourselves if we believe we're just "hearing about it" more now.

 

Seriously.

 

I agree. And the extreme nature of the violence has increased. It's not just murder and rape, it's torturous murder and rape.

[milovany]

.

[Sahamamama]

I appreciated Gavin de Becker's book and think it offers some excellent tips. I've also read a lot of Lenore Skenazy's blog posts and columns (though not her book) and like a lot of what she says as well. My parenting style is somewhere in between. My kids do play outside with minimal supervision, and my 10YO sometimes runs to the corner store a couple of blocks away by herself (gasp!).

 

It's true that the likelihood that a child will be the victim of a stranger are extremely small (the vast majority of crimes against children are committed by someone who the child knows), and the media most certainly exaggerates the dangers of being a kid. What bugs me about her perspective is that she seems to think that predatory strangers are as mythical as the boogeyman and that for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Her "Take Our Children to the Park…And Leave Them There Day" publicity stunt last year just seemed ridiculous to me. I also have the impression that she believes crime rates are lower now than when we were kids because people are just nicer now. She won't even entertain the possibility (in anything I've read by her, anyway) that the fact that parents are much more hands-on and protective in general helps to lower crime rates by giving would-be criminals less opportunity.

 

:iagree:Yes, this! It's her cavalier attitude that bothers me, as if she's the expert about how predatory people don't exist. They do exist. And they are only looking for an opportunity to have ACCESS to an unprotected child. In which case, they will be predatory.

[Attila the Honey]

I don't believe things are that much worse now, I believe we just hear more about it from the media. My grandmother was born in 1906 in a tiny village in Germany and told me stories of a neighbor that liked to touch small children. Her father was a police officer that was murdered by a gang of teenage boys. Bad stuff has always been around.

 

My dd is 7.5 and she's fairly free range. She's allowed to ride her scooter around the block with her friends (to be fair I can see her practically the entire time). We live in a quiet neighborhood with a ton of kids and a big park outside our front door. I know the neighbors and they know us, and we all watch out for each other. She's allowed to go in the park or any of her friend's front yards if she checks in once an hour. She has to ask if she goes in any backyards, or inside any homes.

[NanceXToo]

:iagree:Yes, this! It's her cavalier attitude that bothers me, as if she's the expert about how predatory people don't exist. They do exist. And they are only looking for an opportunity to have ACCESS to an unprotected child. In which case, they will be predatory.

 

I'm not trying to be snarky here (because I've always agreed and considered myself to be very protective), but.... then what are you saying? That a kid should never be unmonitored? I mean, at SOME point I have to let her go off on her own, right?

 

Are you saying you wouldn't let a 10 1/2 year old ride her bike around the block and stop at a playground around the corner with a group of other 8 to 11 year olds, a cell phone, and armed with as much as I can arm her with in regard to self defense and safety precaution skills?

 

(This thread has me conflicted all over again lol).

[Terabith]

Well, on the one hand, I think things like bike helmets, seat belts, etc are non-negotiable safety issues. We survived, but a lot of people didn't, and these are very real risks that are preventable.

 

On the other hand, I think kids do need time and space to have their own adventures. We need to gradually loosen the reins. I have to admit, I am probably a lot more free range than a lot of parents. I was the product of a truly overprotective mother and saw the issues it created with the lack of independence and skills in my own life. Sudden transitions from no freedoms and constant supervision to being completely on one's own at 18 is a really hard learning curve. I try to walk that tightrope, and sometimes I fall off it. I mostly just try to listen to my gut about what is okay.

 

I allow my seven year old to stay home alone at times for very short periods (15 or 20 minutes). She is confident, mature, and very rule abiding. She has shown her ability to handle herself while being at home "alone" with adults on the premises. I would not allow my six year old to stay home alone (or with her sister), because she is very fearful and doesn't have the problem solving skills of her older sister, and I don't really anticipate that happening any time soon.

 

In my mother in law's neighborhood, I allow the kids to play outside pretty much unsupervised. We go out and spot check on occassion, but we know the traffic situation, the neighbors, and the neighborhood kids. The culture in that neighborhood is one of letting kids run fairly free, but by no means willy nilly. Mostly this means playing in our yard or one of the connecting yards, but we are just starting to allow them to go around the block. We've been working on the skills to do this safely and finely decided it was okay based on how aware they have been of traffic, which is fairly miniscule.

 

In our neighborhood, they can play in the yard on their own, but cannot roam as free.

 

Free biking is not likely to happen for a very long time because of the traffic.....it's just not really safe for anyone to bike.

[Sahamamama]

I'm not trying to be snarky here (because I've always agreed and considered myself to be very protective), but.... then what are you saying? That a kid should never be unmonitored? I mean, at SOME point I have to let her go off on her own, right?

 

Are you saying you wouldn't let a 10 1/2 year old ride her bike around the block and stop at a playground around the corner with a group of other 8 to 11 year olds, a cell phone, and armed with as much as I can arm her with in regard to self defense and safety precaution skills?

 

(This thread has me conflicted all over again lol).

 

What I am saying is that there are two issues wrapped into one, but they need to be divided: (1) trusting/entrusting your child with autonomy/independence; and (2) trusting others with your child. These are NOT the same, of course, but herein is the conflict.

 

At a certain point in a child's maturing process, entrusting the child with more responsibility/autonomy/decision-making power is so essential to the child's further maturity that we feel we can't possibly skip it.

 

OTOH, when entrusting the child with increasing autonomy means placing her at risk -- or entrusting her TO another person/group -- we instinctively pull back, because we have been made more aware of what the dangers are (IMO, have always been).

 

How do we balance this? How do I know, my children are only 4, 4, and 6! ;) We never let them out of our sight, except with my parents (trusted completely) and at church (with some reservations, but....).

 

A 10.5 year old daughter is another story... we'll be there soon enough, and I don't know what we'll do. There is not ONE neighbor in our neighborhood who has our trust, but if you knew my neighbors, you would get that in a flash. Anyway, I think we can look for ways to increase a child's responsibility without putting that child truly in harm's way.

 

For example, (and I know my girl is only six, so your daughter is certainly past this) --

 

 

 

• At the store, she takes money, goes up to the cashier, and pays for her item. She counts her change. She thanks the cashier and carries her purchase to the van. She is responsible for bringing it into the house and putting it away. Small stuff, but still more autonomy than the four year olds are getting (for now). :lol:

• At the library, she takes her card, goes up to the counter, and checks out her books. She gets her card back. She thanks the desk person and carries her books to the van. Ditto.

• At 4-H club, she is responsible for bringing her folder, doing her assignments independently, remembering what her next assignment will be, reminding me to get the resources she needs, and so on.

• At home, she is responsible for folding entire LOADS of laundry (;)), making her bed each day, doing trash (little trash cans), watering her box garden, sweeping the kitchen floor, and doing other chores as assigned.

 

I wish we could think of more ways to "release" her, but we do try to give her autonomy within our protection. I think that is the balance, and I'm sure with pre-teens and teens it's so hard to find. But, IMO, they DO still need our protection. IME, the world is a violent place. I'm not afraid of it, but I've been that unprotected child.

 

It is so painful. My heart cries out to keep my children from ever knowing that pain. HTH.

 

 

Autonomy Within Your Protection

 

 

[astrid]

I can't be of any help here, except to offer you encouragement. I am by nature a free range parent.

 

Im also pretty sure that unless you live in a bad area - things are statically safeer in comparison to when we were kids.

 

Yes. Exactly. I've always been a free-range parent to my only. She never took judo, jujitsu, karate, or any other self-defense courses. We talked about stranger danger and she has common sense.

 

I do agree that it's safer now.

 

astrid

[astrid]

 

You just need to do it. You don't want your child to all of a sudden be high school age and have absolutely no (for lack of a better word) "street skills". That is when they are more likely to be taken advantage of with more serious consequences involved. How can they develop that "gift of fear" if they never have to use it??? Kids confined to their driveways or their front yards with mommy looking out the window every other minute to make sure they haven't been abducted never have to use it.

 

There is also the very real problem of "tea-cup children" (coined by university administrators) of kids being so fragile and inexperienced that they can't handle college level life, decisions and independence. I do not want that to be my kids, so I forced myself (with my oldest) to be that "free-range" parent. It has probably been the greatest gift I have given my children.

 

THIS. EXACTLY.

 

astrid

[MariannNOVA]

Perhaps I posted in the wrong thread:

 

Much to my chagrin, I was and still am a helicopter parent.