Please do NOT tell me when your dh is getting a vasectomy.

[Britomart]

Well, dh has been snipped (yet) but we found a bag of frozen peas molded perfectly to his knee after his knee surgery. They do thaw, and we didn't cook them. We marked them so he would remember which bag was his "ice pack" and they became animal food afterward. I can't imagine how mushy they would be after repeated thawing and refreezing, plus the...unsanitariness (you know what I mean). Yuck!

 

That's reassuring. Very sensible handling of yucky peas. :)

[Nakia]

I must be weird because I have never been bothered when women tell me their husbands have had vasectomies. Tons of people know my husband had one (including all of you now, lol). It's no big deal to us.

 

ETA: Someone mentioned a husband who did it without telling his wife. All of the urologists/surgeons around here who perform vasectomies require the wife's signature on the consent form. I had to sign for Patrick to have his. I thought that was standard procedure, but I guess not.

Edited April 26, 2011 by Nakia

[Joker]

 

ETA: Someone mentioned a husband who did it without telling his wife. All of the urologists/surgeons around here who perform vasectomies require the wife's signature on the consent form. I had to sign for Patrick to have his. I thought that was standard procedure, but I guess not.

 

I didn't have to sign when dh had his. I actually think that's a bit weird if an adult needs permission form their spouse for a medical procedure. Maybe that's just me? My FIL had a V w/out my MIL knowing and they're fine now - in fact, they're celebrating 50 years next month.

[Nakia]

I didn't have to sign when dh had his. I actually think that's a bit weird if an adult needs permission form their spouse for a medical procedure. Maybe that's just me? My FIL had a V w/out my MIL knowing and they're fine now - in fact, they're celebrating 50 years next month.

 

Oh, I definitely agree that it's weird! I actually think it's ridiculous. Husbands do not have to sign for their wives to have tubal ligations, so why should wives have to sign for their husbands to have vasectomies? It's hogwash.

[Excelsior! Academy]

My MIL felt the need to inform the entire family about dh's older brother getting a vasectomy. I was sort of stunned.

 

#1) why did he tell his mother!?

 

#2) why is she telling ME

 

:blink:

 

DH and I have talked about him getting the snip but we never, ever considered telling his mother...unless of course we need the rest of the family informed.

 

Gah.

 

 

When my dad heard about one of my pregnancies, he informed me that he'd be glad to discuss a V with dh since he'd had one himself.:confused: um, no!

[Nestof3]

Just curious if women feel the same way about their friends who have their tubes tied. Or if discussing birth control in general bothers people.

 

I am not personally bothered by it as medical procedures are just medical procedures regardless of what part of the body they are performed on. Vasectomy -- cardiac ablation -- just procedures.

 

So, I'm just wondering where you draw the line on these conversations -- on the board and in real life. Do the women have to be your closest friends?

 

Just pondering.

[caitlinsmom]

Very typical in my circle to share this kind of info. In fact its like a rite of passage or ordinary table talk, "Oh dh is going to have one this weekend, pass the chips, anyone want to have a girls night out?"

 

LOL I always heard these things at a monthly get together, in fact I would much rather now about who has a V than who is playing with what during TeA. <<shudder>> Now that brings some unwated images to mind! I never could look at one friends dh the same again! :)

[Jeanne in MN]

I have a "friend" that posted about her husband's hemorrhoid surgery on Facebook. I really prefer boundaries. :ack2:

[Nakia]

I have a "friend" that posted about her husband's hemorrhoid surgery on Facebook. I really prefer boundaries. :ack2:

 

Oh my...I posted here about my husband's hemorrhoid surgery.

[Nestof3]

Oh my...I posted here about my husband's hemorrhoid surgery.

 

It wouldn't bother me. It's surgery -- nothing to be embarrassed about. Perhaps I should have been a doctor, LOL?

 

It seems okay to discuss thrush and athlete's foot, but not yeast infection. I think it's hilarious how we have different names for things. It's fungus, people. Just fungus. My mom had a lung removed because it was full of a fungus ball.

[Ginevra]

Really? Wow. It's a surgery. Are you equally squeamish about other medical procedures, or just reproductive ones? Maybe it's my general philosophy that human reproduction is not shameful or secret. . . or the family business in the medical field. . . but I just don't have an aversion to discussing reproductive health.

 

I have known of vasectomies, hernia surgeries, etc numerous times, and know the vasectomy status of most of my close friends' spouses.

 

When my dh had his vasectomy, it was very traumatic for me. In fact, 18 mos later, I am still conflicted about it. I did not want it. We discussed, cried, fought, discussed, cried, and after many many months, I relented with very mixed emotions, most of which boil down to grief and resentment.

 

Even for those who were in full agreement with their husband's decision, I am sure many/most wives feel some significant things about this transition in their life from momma-in-process-another-one-could-come-any-day. . . to I'm-done-no-more-little-ones-ever-again.

 

Also, unless the spouses are in complete harmony about the decision, it can be very hard to process your feelings about it with your spouse. Dh is my dearest, closest confidant. . . but for our marital health, I had to vent to OTHERS when he had his vasectomy. He had heard it all a thousand times, and discussing it with HIM was loaded b/c he COULD change things, he COULD carry guilt or blame. . . It wasn't healthy to keep talking about it the way I needed to. Thank God for the several dear friends who listened to my grief & encouraged me. . . for hour after hour, over many months.

 

So, I ask that when someone mentions a vasectomy, you ask yourself (and maybe even your friend) how the friend is feeling. . . what she is thinking. . . Is she looking for some support or encouragement? Someone to vent to? She's not bragging about a bedroom exploit (gross) or trying to creep you out. She's just talking about something that is really important to her. . . like a parent dying, or a child going to college, or entering menopause. . . it's one more important life transition, but this time it is particularly loaded emotionally b/c it involves a decision that is made, not something that just happened.

 

This is part of why I don't like to hear about it. I am not philosophically okay with vasectomies and what their purpose is. (I understand I'm in the minority; I get that many people are philosophically fine with it, so I'm not projecting that onto anyone else as a "shouldn't"; just my own personal belief.) The people who have told me are not saying, "I'm so grief-stricken; dh got the V and I wasn't ready for that..." The people who have told me are, "WooHOO! The things we can now DO! No more babies! Wow! I'm SO happy!" I don't relate to that AT ALL. That is the reason I detest hearing about it.

[K&Rs Mom]

This is part of why I don't like to hear about it. I am not philosophically okay with vasectomies and what their purpose is. (I understand I'm in the minority; I get that many people are philosophically fine with it, so I'm not projecting that onto anyone else as a "shouldn't"; just my own personal belief.) The people who have told me are not saying, "I'm so grief-stricken; dh got the V and I wasn't ready for that..." The people who have told me are, "WooHOO! The things we can now DO! No more babies! Wow! I'm SO happy!" I don't relate to that AT ALL. That is the reason I detest hearing about it.

 

:iagree: I don't see it as a good thing, so I'm not likely to be comforting about what she's going through (though I'll try hard not to be rude and just hope the subject drops).

[mrsrevmeg]

 

The best was when the neighbor had it done. His little boy yelled out to me, "my dad isn't allowed to come outside. He just had his wiener cut off".

 

.

 

 

Wow, that's worse than when my son told his kindergarten teacher, "Grandmama and Grandaddy will be picking me up from from school today because my dad is having surgery on his privates."

[sassenach]

:lol: Prior to the V, while I was preggers, hubby would periodically whimper how unhappy he was I was going to have to suffer, if only it could be HIM giving birth, to spare me. After the V, and the infection, and the baseball sized RED scrotum, he lay holding the bed post calling THANK GOD IT WAS YOU WHO HAD THE BABY.

 

How sensible of your dh. Mine lost his mind a little. The doctor drugged him and then left him splayed out on the table with the door hanging open and people walking by, gave him a stick to bite on rather than fully numbing him, ect. It was a terrible experience. As he was recounting the procedure to me (when he got to the door hanging open part), he exclaimed, "You have no idea how demeaning it is to be laid out like that for all the world to see!" :glare: To which I answered, "Are you kidding me?! (I may have used a different word than kidding) Have you forgotten the birth of our 4 children?!"

 

ETA: my apologies to the OP for discussing details of dh's V on your thread about not wanting women to talk to you about their dh's Vs!

Edited April 26, 2011 by Shannon831

[Julie Smith]

Wow, that's worse than when my son told his kindergarten teacher, "Grandmama and Grandaddy will be picking me up from from school today because my dad is having surgery on his privates."

 

The Dad did take the time to yell out. "It is NOT cut off". I then heard that they had a good long conversation with the little boy.

[stripe]

This is part of why I don't like to hear about it. I am not philosophically okay with vasectomies and what their purpose is. (I understand I'm in the minority; I get that many people are philosophically fine with it, so I'm not projecting that onto anyone else as a "shouldn't"; just my own personal belief.) The people who have told me are not saying, "I'm so grief-stricken; dh got the V and I wasn't ready for that..." The people who have told me are, "WooHOO! The things we can now DO! No more babies! Wow! I'm SO happy!" I don't relate to that AT ALL. That is the reason I detest hearing about it.

Yes, I understand this difference, and it is an important one. And this is a separate thing ENTIRELY than someone talking about her husband being on the couch with a bag of peas or whose scrotum is red! Which is too much info for me.

[Katiebug_1976]

:lol: :rofl: :smilielol5: :eek: :ohmy:

That is just NASTY!!! That is a personal thing that should NOT be brought up in conversation! I don't care how long I have known you, I don't want to hear about it!!! Thanks for the heads up, now I will think twice before I eat peas anywhere else but at my house from my freezer!:lol:

[G5052]

This is one reason (among many) that Facebook turns me off. Even among friends of the same values, it seems like way too much personal stuff gets shared at times to way too many people.

 

Your mileage may vary of course...

[Jeanne in MN]

Oh my...I posted here about my husband's hemorrhoid surgery.

 

Yeah, but I don't know him! ;)

[Nestof3]

This is part of why I don't like to hear about it. I am not philosophically okay with vasectomies and what their purpose is. (I understand I'm in the minority; I get that many people are philosophically fine with it, so I'm not projecting that onto anyone else as a "shouldn't"; just my own personal belief.) The people who have told me are not saying, "I'm so grief-stricken; dh got the V and I wasn't ready for that..." The people who have told me are, "WooHOO! The things we can now DO! No more babies! Wow! I'm SO happy!" I don't relate to that AT ALL. That is the reason I detest hearing about it.

 

I truly respect your stance in regard to desiring to have children as long as your womb allows. I just get very uncomfortable as we spent years around people who made us feel very uncomfortable with not having more children. Even their children would come up and ask why we didn't have more children. I was even asked why I didn't like babies.

 

Geez. Honestly, people, feel free to call me selfish because I don't want to be homeschooling when my husband is 68. I want to have some years without raising children before my husband hits 70.

 

My husband is really wearing down in terms of energy at 52, so I don't know how much longer he will be able to mow lawns like a maniac. We need to start putting more money away for old age because he doesn't have any company retirement plan/military retirement. Our first aim had been getting out of debt. My dad, ex-Navy, never had to worry about his health insurance cost or retirement. I can only imagine what our health insurance will cost when I am in my fifties and my husband is 70. Right now, it is $500 a month for us.

 

Additionally, we are philosophically opposed to creating a lifestyle for ourselves at the expense of others. We have only met one family our of about 15 that does not depend on the tax payers to support their families financially. Barring the unexpected and tragic, we refuse to live beyond our means -- both in terms of what we are able to provide financially and emotionally.

 

The early years of our marriage truly wore me out. It was very traumatic blending our family and raising someone else's son from the start. I am thankful I was able to be there for our eldest when he needed someone, but I had no idea what I was doing, and I had little support from anyone.

[Peela]

Just because one does not relate to someone's joy at not having to worry about conception any more....can one not simply understand where they are coming from, anyway, and be happy for them? It is a relief for many women not to have that concern or anxiety in the back of their minds each month- what a burden to carry, if they are done having children for whatever reason (that is none of my business).

Is there no room for understanding the freedom and relief of the woman and her partner- a relief I have felt myself and taken for granted for years now, although I also would have liked more children- or is it so important to be a sour, wet blanket on other people's cause for celebration- and their openness in sharing?

Can we not at least be happy for other people's happiness, or can we only be happy for them if we agree with them and everything they do?

I have no problem with people sharing such conversations with me, even if I barely know them. They are just sharing themselves, their life with me. I hope my approval or disapproval is completely irrelevant to them.

[Margaret in GA]

Well of course if my friends needed support over the V, I would listen and Be There for them. If they were upset and needed to vent, I would totally understand that.

 

But for friends who are in agreement with dh: there's no reason to tell me about a surgery that will involve him putting peas on his *ahem*. It makes some unwanted images pop into my mind. :blush:

 

:iagree: When my dh got his he asked me please not to tell anyone. I do think it's TMI. Course, I just told y'all, didn't I? ;)

[Nakia]

Just because one does not relate to someone's joy at not having to worry about conception any more....can one not simply understand where they are coming from, anyway, and be happy for them? It is a relief for many women not to have that concern or anxiety in the back of their minds each month- what a burden to carry, if they are done having children for whatever reason (that is none of my business).

Is there no room for understanding the freedom and relief of the woman and her partner- a relief I have felt myself and taken for granted for years now, although I also would have liked more children- or is it so important to be a sour, wet blanket on other people's cause for celebration- and their openness in sharing?

Can we not at least be happy for other people's happiness, or can we only be happy for them if we agree with them and everything they do?

I have no problem with people sharing such conversations with me, even if I barely know them. They are just sharing themselves, their life with me. I hope my approval or disapproval is completely irrelevant to them.

 

Well said, Peela!

[Daisy]

There are all sorts of things that are TMI in my opinion. V would qualify. Carpet in the TeA room definitely qualifies. The neighbor being constipated for a week was WAY MORE than I ever wanted to know about.

 

Anyway, I just try to learn from it by keeping my own mouth shut about my TMI situations.

 

We are very conservative in what we talk about. My husband prefers I don't even join in on the circumcision threads because he thinks that is TMI.

 

Oh, and I just have to add that I never want to know when you are on your period either. Ever.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Daisy

[Garga]

Oh, and I just have to add that I never want to know when you are on your period either. Ever.

 

Me neither!

 

I don't mind so much hearing about these sorts of things online, because I don't actually have to look at you and interact with you (or your dh) in person.

[Audrey]

Can we not at least be happy for other people's happiness, or can we only be happy for them if we agree with them and everything they do?

I have no problem with people sharing such conversations with me, even if I barely know them. They are just sharing themselves, their life with me. I hope my approval or disapproval is completely irrelevant to them.

 

Good reminder, Peela. Thank you. I think I may still try to change the subject if the details start coming. (I'm squeamish at the best of times), but you are right... one should be happy for other people's happiness.

[Mynyel]

:D

 

It's a right of passage in our social circle, with the new guys getting welcomed into "the club." The ritual usually involves a big screen TV.

 

 

Great I have images of men with their feet up, bags of peas everywhere, football on the TV and pitiful looks on their faces.

 

:001_huh:;):D:smilielol5::blink:

[nmoira]

Great I have images of men with their feet up, bags of peas everywhere, football on the TV and pitiful looks on their faces.

 

:001_huh:;):D:smilielol5::blink:

:lol:

No football here. I believe it was Doctor Who. :tongue_smilie:

[kozamom]

We told people when dh got teAed off. We did have a reason. My dh bikes to work, and you aren't allowed to bike for 2 weeks afterwards. So for two weeks we had to work around car sharing, and everyone of course asked why dh just didn't bike to work.

 

The best was when the neighbor had it done. His little boy yelled out to me, "my dad isn't allowed to come outside. He just had his wiener cut off".

 

And for the poster whose X had it done without discussing it. That's what my MIL did. She only wanted 2kids. FIL wanted 4 kids. Mil won.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[annandatje]

I just get very uncomfortable as we spent years around people who made us feel very uncomfortable with not having more children. Even their children would come up and ask why we didn't have more children. I was even asked why I didn't like babies ......Additionally, we are philosophically opposed to creating a lifestyle for ourselves at the expense of others. We have only met one family our of about 15 that does not depend on the tax payers to support their families financially. Barring the unexpected and tragic, we refuse to live beyond our means -- both in terms of what we are able to provide financially and emotionally....

 

 

:iagree: :iagree::iagree:

 

I would not want to be a part of a group where members felt free to ask nosy invasive questions about my family planning.

[G5052]

Somehow I was thinking about this thread today and remembered how my aunt told me that their parents went in the middle of the night to the doctor's house to have it done in the late 1930's. My grandfather had recovered from TB but was very sickly and my grandmother was going crazy trying to run the family business and raise the children. It was so looked down upon then that the doctor only did them under the cover of darkness and apparently even helped people work out all kinds of stories about why the husband had to take it easy for several days!

[Ibbygirl]

Oh my goodness!! Removing carpets from the TeAroom, vasectomies, you gals are way to "young and hip" for me and are making me feel old and out of it. lol I don't know anyone IRL that has had a vasectomy or at least if they have they've kept that info to themselves (thankfully). I always thought the more common thing was women getting tubes tied :confused: shows what I know. I do know a couple of dh's relatives that have rather large tv sets though. Hmmmmmm :blink: I'll make sure to skip the peas if I'm ever invited to dinner at their homes. :001_huh:

[Nestof3]

I always thought the more common thing was women getting tubes tied :confused: shows what I know. I do know a couple of dh's relatives that have rather large tv sets though. Hmmmmmm :blink: I'll make sure to skip the peas if I'm ever invited to dinner at their homes. :001_huh:

 

Yes, that's what happened most according to my mom in her generation. That's what my mom did. Since v-s are easier to perform, I think they are done more often. They are outpatient procedures as opposed to tubal ligations which require overnight stay. So, v-s are cheaper.

 

I also think women just got to the point where they were able to voice their opinions more and say, "I went through child birth; you can go through this." :lol:

[twoxcell]

My dh would die if he new I told someone he was getting a vasectomy. Supposedly we are done after 4, but he is in no rush to get anything done. I figure I gave birth to 4 kids, so it is his turn to act.

[Ibbygirl]

Yes, that's what happened most according to my mom in her generation. That's what my mom did. Since v-s are easier to perform, I think they are done more often. They are outpatient procedures as opposed to tubal ligations which require overnight stay. So, v-s are cheaper.

 

 

Okay, thanks for making me feel even OLDER now! And to think I just wished you a happy birthday!! Hmph! :glare: LOL ;) :tongue_smilie:

 

Good for the men for stepping up then, but I still don't want to know! lol I'm with Garga on that one. :lol::lol:

[Julie Smith]

I'm told that Vs are only common in USA and Canada. So people elsewhere - do guys get Vs?

[Nestof3]

Okay, thanks for making me feel even OLDER now! And to think I just wished you a happy birthday!! Hmph! :glare: LOL ;) :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

I didn't mean it like that! I just mean that I do know there was a time when it was the woman's responsibility. :lol:

 

I just want to say that it isn't something I would post on Facebook, but I am thankful that I have friends who are open about it/willing to tell me if their husbands had it done because it has helped me know more about the procedure and what to expect. It's not something I think about when I see these people's husbands -- no more than I think about c-sections and pap smears when I see women. ;)

[Ibbygirl]

I didn't mean it like that! I just mean that I do know there was a time when it was the woman's responsibility. :lol:

 

uh huh... riiiiiiight! ;) :D:tongue_smilie::lol:

[Peela]

I'm told that Vs are only common in USA and Canada. So people elsewhere - do guys get Vs?

 

Very common here in Australia.

No way would I have got a tubal myself but especially because I was only 28 when dh got a V and he was 42- he was ready for the decision, I was not.

 

I am one of those people who are happy that times change in so many ways, and finds the fact that people freely talk about such things, and especially that men joke about them with each other (rather than the stoic silence of years gone), to be a GOOD thing, a sign of moving on, maturity, not a sign of fallen values.

[Julie Smith]

Very common here in Australia.

No way would I have got a tubal myself but especially because I was only 28 when dh got a V and he was 42- he was ready for the decision, I was not.

 

I am one of those people who are happy that times change in so many ways, and finds the fact that people freely talk about such things, and especially that men joke about them with each other (rather than the stoic silence of years gone), to be a GOOD thing, a sign of moving on, maturity, not a sign of fallen values.

 

I had just talked to one German guy (Friend of the family) who was visiting for a year to improve his English. He was in his mid twenties and had been to university. He had actually never heard of getting the V. He told me that in German it just wasn't done. No permanent type of birth control for men or women.

[Nestof3]

I had just talked to one German guy (Friend of the family) who was visiting for a year to improve his English. He was in his mid twenties and had been to university. He had actually never heard of getting the V. He told me that in German it just wasn't done. No permanent type of birth control for men or women.

 

Maybe it's just taboo to discuss it. :lol: