Family size and vasectomy

[GypsieFamily]

If you have read any of my other threads on the SN board, you'll know that Peter and Lucy were/are dyspraxic but no longer have any issues with their speech. DH had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with Edmund. Edmund is also dyspraxic, but progressing very well with his speech.

 

We've since chatted and agreed that now Peter and Lucy can talk and we know that they are OK, we really want to go back to our original dream of a large family.

 

I feel so dumb for having made such a huge, live-altering decision when I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are spending a lot of energy thinking about getting a reversal, or IVF, or do we accept that we made a terrible decision and live with the consequences. I know that neither IVF nor reversal are guaranteed, and we could easily end up with more who are dyspraxic.

 

What would you do?

[Peela]

Such a hard one.

I think you can do whatever you can do- you can try the methods of reversal etc- but also its good to find acceptance if it is not to be that you have more children.

 

There are sometimes threads here where people talk about their inability to have more kids for one reason or another, and the grief involved. These threads helped me realise how common it is to grieve for more kids. I have felt it for 15 years now- the feeling to have more is still here and I am 44 soon. But I also have an acceptance of my situation (dh clearly wanted no more kids and i respect that, hard as it has been), and that I have 2 beautiful children. Many people don't even get what I have.

 

I think acceptance is the key to happiness- many people have more children than me and still feel grief at not having more. Its a natural human drive and emotion and its stronger in some of us than others. But life doesn't always give us what we want, and that's ok too. Even though I wanted and still want more kids, I am happy and not living in angst over it.

 

Inn other words, do whatever you can if the drive is strong enough- but don't ruin your life, your happiness over it. Remind yourself of what you have.

[Night Elf]

I agree with Peela about choosing what drives you most. I'm in the same spot as her in that my DH was done after we had our 2 children (my oldest is from my 1st marriage). He decided to get the vasectomy. That was 10 years ago and I'm 43 yrs. old. My drive is still fairly strong. If he put the decision into my hands, I wouldn't hesitate to do a reversal. And because I still have such a passioniate feeling, I know I would be devastated if I didn't get pregnant even though a reversal is not a guarantee.

 

Things I would consider if in your place:

 

1. Are my DH and I really on the same page?

2. What procedures can we afford and are we willing to go into debt?

3. Are we prepared for the possibility that we may not conceive even if we do these procedures?

 

These answers would be different for people based on so many things, so it's really something you're going to have to sit down with your DH and really talk it out.

 

Good luck with the decision! :grouphug:

[julikins]

My husband and I have the same desire to have more children. Except in our case, it's that my body doesn't want to allow it. We had to use fertility drugs (simple pills) to have our second, and now we are trying with injections--as my ovarian health progressively deteriorates. The question for us has been--is it safe to keep trying, and can we afford it. Are there other options for us? We will consider adoption if we cannot get pregnant within the next month, since our finances will no longer allow us to continue after this month.

 

I agree that we cannot push ourselves past the point of health--both physical and financial. And we need to be on the same page. It can be so hard emotionally--it is a grief to think we can no longer bring another little person into this world. And I know it will be a process to accept it. But if not, then I know the Lord (in whom I believe) will help us invest in the lives of the little ones we have and perhaps be able to give a home to another.

[mamakimberly]

Nothing to add-

 

I just see threads like this and always get a jolt of fear.

 

My husband had the big V between our 2 daughters (after several miscarriages we were done with the bio route and planning to foster-adopt). 2 weeks later, we found out about our little surprise- our 2nd bio daughter. Anyway, we're thankful for her- but very done biologically. VERY.

 

And I always read these threads and shudder in fear- it seems like almost everyone has this period of regret at some point over the Big V. But it has been 7 years now and I only fear that it will fail at some point and I'll end up pregnant. I've never felt the tiniest ounce of regret.

 

But am I doomed to someday have this great moment of regret where I want a 3rd bio baby and feel angst? I sure hope not!

 

To the OP: Good grief, sorry for hijacking. Your reasons for the Big V made sense at the time. And they were very valid. And whatever decision you make now, you have to be honest with yourself that it may not work and be okay with that reality too. There are loads of different adoption programs if your end goal is to add another child to your family. Yes, adoption costs $$ but there are great tax benefits right now and grants and such.

[astrid]

And I always read these threads and shudder in fear- it seems like almost everyone has this period of regret at some point over the Big V. But it has been 7 years now and I only fear that it will fail at some point and I'll end up pregnant. I've never felt the tiniest ounce of regret.

 

This is me.

And we only have one child. No desire, EVER, to have more. Dd was very planned, very wanted, and we're very blessed, but we NEVER wanted more after she was born. Dd had a vasectomy when she was six.

 

I used to think that made me weird. Maybe it does?

 

astrid

[Nestof3]

My dh is having one done next month, but he's almost 52. He would be in his 70's before the child left the house. No thanks. I really wanted to have some time when we are older -- just the two of us.

 

I will always miss having a baby. I will always miss having a chance to start "from scratch" so to speak, but honestly, I turn 39 next week, and I really like the fact that my youngest are 9 and 11. I've been a parent since the moment I met my husband (he had a seven year old when I met him). We've never had any time without children.

 

I am really looking forward to our empty nest. I love my boys, I love what I am doing right now, and I wouldn't want to do anything different -- but -- I really don't want to add a baby into the mix. I like that I can workout daily, I feel good about our homeschooling, and I feel like the stress of a young one would just be too much. Homeschooling Aaron was hard with the two babies, and I felt like he just spent so much time alone. I am really enjoying the amount of time I am able to spend with the boys right now.

[Desert Rat]

Oh, I don't think so, Astrid. I have 3 friends in real life with singletons that really, really didn't want more. I always did. I have 2 and would have liked to have a 3rd but, like Peela, my husband was really done after 2 and I respect his wishes.

Awhile ago I learned that it wasn't really another baby I wanted but MY babies back. After that realization, I'm okay with the 2 I have and don't have a desire (at least a huge yearning one) for another. But I did grieve for a long time.

OP, I think this is a really personal decision. I think you should take whatever measures you feel comforatable taking as long as it doesn't affect your health and happiness. Big families can be built in many ways. If you have the strong desire to build a biological family, then you know which course you have to take. If you don't feel the need to have bio kids but still want the big family, then adoption is a path to consider.

I wish you all the best!

[mommyoftwinboys]

The only thing I can add that helped us decide on more was I met several people(older folks) that have told us that their one regret was not having more children. I seem to run across people constantly that say they regret not having more children. It took us 8 years to decide to allow our family to grow(I'm pregnant now and we are open to more children after this one is born)

Good luck on your decision, I know it's a very hard, personal decision.

[Night Elf]

But am I doomed to someday have this great moment of regret where I want a 3rd bio baby and feel angst? I sure hope not!

 

I don't know really. The stories I've heard of people who regret it have mostly been from couples that weren't exactly in agreement about the procedure. My DH had one when our youngest was only 3 months old. I didn't want him too but he appealed to my miserable-from-colicky-baby side. But he also told me it was his decision and he would do it without my consent anyway. My grief hit when she was almost 3 years old. It took years for me to be able to think about it without crying. Then it just settled into a dull ache. I'm fairly certain I'll be thinking about it on my death bed to be honest. I just feel cheated by circumstances.

[FloridaLisa]

I feel so dumb for having made such a huge, live-altering decision when I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are spending a lot of energy thinking about getting a reversal, or IVF, or do we accept that we made a terrible decision and live with the consequences. I know that neither IVF nor reversal are guaranteed, and we could easily end up with more who are dyspraxic.

 

What would you do?

 

Well, I can only tell you that if you want more now, those feelings will likely continue. When we first decided to do a reversal (tubal ligation), dh wisely said he did not want me to grow old wishing we had tried.

 

We chose a doctor with a great track record and have two post-reversal children. The blessings have been exponential -- not just for dh and I, but also for our five other children.

 

Lisa

[astrid]

I just dont' know how people AFFORD such big families. I really don't. Granted we live in an expensive state (Connecticut) but wow... I just cannot imagine having many more mouths to feed, clothe, etc.

 

astrid

[pfamilygal]

I'd go for it! I have several friends who've had reversals and conceived. What a joy those babies are.

 

I wish we could have continued to have children. I dreamed that I was pregnant last week and was trying to figure out where the baby would grow since I have no womb.

[Peela]

I just dont' know how people AFFORD such big families. I really don't. Granted we live in an expensive state (Connecticut) but wow... I just cannot imagine having many more mouths to feed, clothe, etc.

 

astrid

 

I agree Astrid and at the bottom, I think that is why dh - and possibly many dhs- decided no more. My dh was an older dad in the first place - 40 and 42 when my two were born- and he also has an older daughter from a previous marriage. He really didnt want to be having kids in his 50s, although I know many do.

For him, it really was all about cost, and the responsibility of taking care of the family. He feels it very strongly and...sometimes, I would say heavily, that responsibility- and he has a great job he loves and which supports us all.

 

My dh also had a very strong fear of having a disabled child. He is the firstborn from a Catholic family of 5, where the middle child is severely autistic and once she was born- he was totally neglected- his childhood was very, very rough. His mother, now in her 70s, still has his only sister at home with her, and is stressed out and exhausted all.the.time.(Gina talks non stop at/to anyone around, but it doesn't make sense- and she is very stubborn and uncooperative much of the time, plus has seizures frequently.) So dh was grateful for 3 healthy kids and really didn't want to tempt fate. That fear would never have been a motivation for me to not have more- but I can understand growing up in a family that was totally dominated by one child's needs, would colour your outlook somewhat.

 

And i have many friends in real life who have only children and also many with no kids- and they have no regrets or strong hankerings for more. I think some of us just get given this extra strong pull and theres not much we can do about it- I think it is biological. I do not want to be bitter about it- but if I were to dwell on it, I could be.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Peela

[Plucky]

Well, I can only tell you that if you want more now, those feelings will likely continue. When we first decided to do a reversal (tubal ligation), dh wisely said he did not want me to grow old wishing we had tried.

 

We chose a doctor with a great track record and have two post-reversal children. The blessings have been exponential -- not just for dh and I, but also for our five other children.

 

Lisa

 

You can get over it. I wanted 2 more than I have now. I am okay with it and have filled my life with other wonderful teens and kids. Don't forget there is adoption and foster parenting.

[AngelBee]

I just dont' know how people AFFORD such big families. I really don't. Granted we live in an expensive state (Connecticut) but wow... I just cannot imagine having many more mouths to feed, clothe, etc.

 

astrid

By trusting God to meet our needs. That is what gets us through. We are financially poor, but do not feel it.

 

We make choices based on what is important to our family.

 

For instance:

 

We live with my mother and siblings. Lowers our housing costs HUGE!

 

We have one vehicle bought used for 3500.00.

 

I own a dance academy that makes no money but provides my children the chance to be competitive dancers.

 

The list goes on.....but we have never felt like we have suffered. :) God has blessed us above and beyond our needs.

 

EDIT: to clarify that I am not saying smaller families don't trust God. Just explaining for our family how we afford so many kids. :)

[GypsieFamily]

Thank you to everyone for answering. It is such a hard decision to make. I am thinking at the moment that with the kids we have now it felt like someone was very much missing before we had them. Now it doesn't feel like someone is missing, just that there is room for more.

 

In other words, we can accept it if no more children are meant to come to us, but I would still choke up every time I think about it. We are both only children, so I think that colors things for us both. Our children have no aunts, uncles, or cousins.

[BlsdMama]

If you have read any of my other threads on the SN board, you'll know that Peter and Lucy were/are dyspraxic but no longer have any issues with their speech. DH had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with Edmund. Edmund is also dyspraxic, but progressing very well with his speech.

 

We've since chatted and agreed that now Peter and Lucy can talk and we know that they are OK, we really want to go back to our original dream of a large family.

 

I feel so dumb for having made such a huge, live-altering decision when I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are spending a lot of energy thinking about getting a reversal, or IVF, or do we accept that we made a terrible decision and live with the consequences. I know that neither IVF nor reversal are guaranteed, and we could easily end up with more who are dyspraxic.

 

What would you do?

 

I have two friends who, along with their dhs, felt very led to have reversals. I also have an family member whose dh had a reversal.

 

Reversal #1 - done long after the original vasectomy, didn't work.

Reversal #2 - reversed tubes being tied - one tube scarred, they did conceive (several times) but had a hard time staying pregnant. It's been reversed for 8 years now and they have a 5yo son & she is currently expecting. They are so glad they did it.

Reversal #3 - also a reversal of a ligation. They've been reversed for almost four years and have a 3yo and 1yo to show for it. :D They are so glad they did it.

 

I don't know that you'd regret having it done, even if it didn't work. But I really wonder if you have regrets NOW how much you'd regret not having it reversed ten years from now.

[BlsdMama]

I just dont' know how people AFFORD such big families. I really don't. Granted we live in an expensive state (Connecticut) but wow... I just cannot imagine having many more mouths to feed, clothe, etc.

 

astrid

 

The funny thing is that expenses don't multiply with the children. Some things do, obviously, but other things? No.

 

You have a house payment regardless... Now I know big families who live in small houses and small families who live in large houses. The payment is the payment and doesn't increase with children.

 

The same is with a car payment. I will say my huge van drinks more gas but we compensate by staying home more and enjoying being here with one another.

 

Food - my budget for food is larger than most. At the same time you can't figure what you spend per person and just multiply it by ten. One, you learn to cook differently with large families. Two, it's cheaper in bulk.

 

Clothing - I wouldn't buy new if I had one child just because of basic beliefs of encouraging companies to make more and more goods... So, this is really a very minimal change in expense.

 

Utilities - It's very close to the same for a large or a small family.

 

Books - They last for more than 1 or 2 children. :)

 

Insurance - Health insurance is a family plan premium cost - not relevant of family size.

 

Yes, there are more costs associated with each child. One could not simply say there isn't. But I don't think it's nearly as crazy as people picture. We watched Table for 12 tonight and decided we'd be an AWFUL family for television - lol. It was saying how she has to work from 6:30AM to midnight to keep the house in order? Really?! I just don't have that much laundry or stuff to put away. ;)

[Crimson Wife]

I just dont' know how people AFFORD such big families. I really don't. Granted we live in an expensive state (Connecticut) but wow... I just cannot imagine having many more mouths to feed, clothe, etc.

 

astrid

 

The biggest financial hit we had going from 1 to 2 was that I quit my job to stay home. But it's something that I probably would've done anyways even if we hadn't been blessed with a 2nd child. Going from 2 to 3 also really wasn't that bad because we already had all the hand-me-downs from our oldest girl. We did move from a 3 BR to a 4 BR place, but again, that's something we probably would've done at some point even without having the 3rd child.

 

Now, some expenses do go up with the number of kids- food, out-of-pocket medical & dental, helping out with college. But overall, we're not spending that much more on 3 than we would if we only had one - we just forgo the luxury items that many single-child families we know enjoy. I'd rather have a house full of kids than a houseful of stuff :)

[kalanamak]

 

I used to think that made me weird. Maybe it does?

 

astrid

 

:lol: Hubby had his before my milk came in (well, almost). He was almost in AARP territory, and it was his third. It was time for him to stop.

[akmommy]

We had three great, healthy kids and then I chose to have to my tubes tied. Our oldest was almost 7, younger Dd had just turned 2, and DS was a newborn. Financially it made sense, and I just felt tired and done. Fast forward a few years and my babies were no longer babies, suddenly I wanted nothing more then to have another baby. After I had mentioned it to DH a few times he asked me what I think now was the most important question that I needed to answer for myself. Did I really really want another child or did I miss I having a baby? For me the answer was that I just really missed those baby and toddler years.

My youngest is 11 now and I know we made the right decision for us. I still miss having a baby around, but I look forward to one day having a grand baby, or two.:tongue_smilie:

[Melissa in Australia]

To the OP: Good grief, sorry for hijacking. Your reasons for the Big V made sense at the time. And they were very valid. And whatever decision you make now, you have to be honest with yourself that it may not work and be okay with that reality too. There are loads of different adoption programs if your end goal is to add another child to your family. Yes, adoption costs $$ but there are great tax benefits right now and grants and such.

 

I think the OP is in Australia, and adoption is very hard here, next to impossible in fact.

[cupajoe]

As a heads up, lots of CC in this post...

 

 

DH had a "V", at my prompting, when dd8 was less than a year old. My decision was based on how I perceived, at the time, society viewed larger families (irresponsible, comments about finances, etc). We had 4 dc and that seemed like a HUGE family... I remember people actually staring at me when I'd walk through the commissary with my 4dc under 9. Plus, dh was deploying shortly after his "V" and we knew many more deployments were on the horizon. So, he agreed with my request and it was done. That was January of 2003.

 

I'm sad to say that ours was not a decision based on prayer (we are Christians)...we really did *not* seek God's wisdom in our decision. Over the next few years, I felt that we had failed in this area of our spiritual walk. I felt that God had a plan for our family size and we thwarted that plan in some ways by taking that decision into our own hands, without prayer. God did not prompt us that we were done...*we* decided we were done.

 

So in December 2009, after much prayer and contemplation, dh had a reversal. I knew that the odds of the reversal working were slim (it had been almost 7 years). However, we were open to more children if we were so blessed.

 

In March of this year, I found out we are expecting! I am now 39 years old and 10 weeks pregnant! My oldest dd will be 17 in June! I do not regret this decision at all. I just *felt* that we were supposed to have more children. We are thrilled beyond words!

 

Sometimes, we just *know* or *feel* that our families are not complete. I believe wholeheartedly that God has a plan for each family...whether it be two or twelve... and He will always provide according to His plans.

[Carrie12345]

Dh needs to go and get his SOON.

 

Long story short, our "Maybe someday" conversations always result in someday coming much faster than intended!

 

I adore every single one of my children, but I am TIRED! Part of me would love a whole dozen, but I just can't hack it. If the urge strikes again down the line, I'd rather provide a safe, temporary home for kids in need. #5 is the most precious baby in the whole wide world, IMO, but he's doing a number on me!

[Nestof3]

We were surprised how long it took just to get a consultation. Then, it was nearly two months out from that to get the procedure done. Then there's the waiting.

 

I say go ahead and at least make the consultation appt.

 

I am tired of being this careful. I'm even to scared to take the pill.

 

Dh needs to go and get his SOON.

 

Long story short, our "Maybe someday" conversations always result in someday coming much faster than intended!

 

I adore every single one of my children, but I am TIRED! Part of me would love a whole dozen, but I just can't hack it. If the urge strikes again down the line, I'd rather provide a safe, temporary home for kids in need. #5 is the most precious baby in the whole wide world, IMO, but he's doing a number on me!

[Mommee & Baba]

Dh needs to go and get his SOON.

 

Long story short, our "Maybe someday" conversations always result in someday coming much faster than intended!

 

I adore every single one of my children, but I am TIRED! Part of me would love a whole dozen, but I just can't hack it. If the urge strikes again down the line, I'd rather provide a safe, temporary home for kids in need. #5 is the most precious baby in the whole wide world, IMO, but he's doing a number on me!

 

 

I'm so blessed to have 3 healthy children. After our dd2 was born I said I was DONE with having anymore children. Then 3.5yrs went by and I felt that need for another child again...and we tried and got pregnant with our son! I'm so thankful we had him!!

 

However I'm SPENT! Between homeschooling, my illness (fibro & epi), and everyday life as a busy mom...I just can't fathom the thought of diapers, breastfeeding, waking up thru-out the night and diaper bags and infant car seats and .... the list goes on and on for me.

 

When ds was a couple months old dh asked me if we were going to stop as he wanted to but wanted to know what I wanted and after much prayer and stress for MONTHS...too many months honestly because I thought about it so much that I really missed the enjoyment of having my newborn son! Finally the key answer for me was when I went into the OB's office for ds to get his 6m checkup and I didn't get the "aww so cute" feeling and when I saw a pregnant woman I thought "I'm so glad I'm over that" and I LIKED being pregnant...all those feelings was a sign enough for me. I went home and told dh immediately.

 

We've yet to get anything perm. done and even though we're COMPLETE...money is an issue for getting the procedure done right now, but once the money comes through we're going to schedule him to have it done.

 

I can't say that in a couple years I won't have the same feeling I had when dd2 was 3.5yrs old...BUT I do know that I really can't even use anymore energy thinking about it as this third blessing has taken EVERY ounce of energy, patience, and calmness from me. I've changed as a mom ALOT since having him...I use to be so calm, patient and understanding...my son has really showed me that there are two sides to EVERY person..:lol: Now I'm counting down the days he's out of this "2" stage..it's no fun!

Edited April 23, 2011 by mamaofblessings

[KerriF]

Well we are one of the ones who had the V and then regretted it. We had it done after our first two. We had moved away from all family and the second pregnancy was difficult. ( Although now I look back on it, I think I could have handled that second pregnancy better.)

 

About 2 years later I started feeling like we had made a big mistake. There were several reasons I felt that way. I started talking to dh and he was shocked, but willing to listen. Eventually we came to the mutual decision to have it reversed.

 

So about 3 years after it was originally done it was reversed. The surgery was a great success and the doctors were very positive. As soon as we could we started trying. Long story short it took us about 12-18 months to conceive (I can't remember!) because I started having some issues and I ended up going on Cl@mid. It worked at we had our first daughter.

 

Fast forward one year and we found out we were pregnant again. We were totally shocked. You hear stories about women having trouble conceiving and then they have one and things start working again :D That is what happened with us. We just thought that since we had a difficult time conceiving our first daughter that we were pretty safe :lol:

 

In August we had our second girl, fourth child. Having them close like that scared me and I didn't know how I was going to juggle it all, but she has been such a blessing.

 

What surprised alot of people is that my dh then went in and had the V done again. We knew this time we were done. It was a different feeling this time around and we are much more at peace about it.

 

I say go for it! :)

[Night Elf]

The funny thing is that expenses don't multiply with the children. Some things do, obviously, but other things? No.

 

There are some expenses we skip because we homeschool too. Daycare costs were extremely expensive. If my company hadn't paid for my daycare costs above my regular salary, I wouldn't have been able to go back to work. Yes, I was extremely lucky that my boss did that. He just *really* wanted me back. Then again, I made mega money for his company. :D

 

In having this conversation with some other mothers throughout the years, they limited their family size because they felt it was an obligation to pay for their children's college educations. We don't feel that way so that wouldn't limit the size of our family.

 

Education can be a big expense. This is true even of homeschooling, depending on the curriculum choices we make. The high school program we use for our children is expensive and I'm not sure we would be able to do it if we had more children.

 

The only other big expenses we can think of are things like sports, dance, or other similar club/group type situations. We haven't had to worry about that too much, but I can see where having several children in such expensive classes/training could add up.

 

Oops, this is getting way off track from the OP. Sorry! :tongue_smilie:

[astrid]

I believe wholeheartedly that God has a plan for each family...whether it be two or twelve... and He will always provide according to His plans.

 

But not ONE, hmmm.....? ;)

 

astrid

[astrid]

I'd rather have a house full of kids than a houseful of stuff :)

 

That must be where we differ, because I'll take a house full of STUFF any day. ;)

 

Seriously, this has always been a tough thing for me. People realize we have one child and often automatically assume we're selfish or something, or that she was an "oops." I'm not saying that's what you're assuming, but for many, especially in the homeschooling community, it's kind of inconceivable that we'd CHOOSE to have an only. It's frustrating at times.

 

And FTR, it's not that we're selfish, or want "stuff" or live some sort of high lifestyle. We certainly don't have "those luxuries that many people with only children can afford." We just chose to parent one child. Lots of personal reasons, none of which have to do with personal wealth, greed, selfishness, or anything of the sort.

 

Forgive the mini-rant.

 

astrid

[merry gardens]

If you have read any of my other threads on the SN board, you'll know that Peter and Lucy were/are dyspraxic but no longer have any issues with their speech. DH had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with Edmund. Edmund is also dyspraxic, but progressing very well with his speech.

 

We've since chatted and agreed that now Peter and Lucy can talk and we know that they are OK, we really want to go back to our original dream of a large family.

 

I feel so dumb for having made such a huge, live-altering decision when I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are spending a lot of energy thinking about getting a reversal, or IVF, or do we accept that we made a terrible decision and live with the consequences. I know that neither IVF nor reversal are guaranteed, and we could easily end up with more who are dyspraxic.

 

What would you do?

:grouphug:

If it were me, I'd go with the reversal. I wouldn't do IVF.

 

If a reversal didn't result in pregnancy, I'd accept that but I'd be a little sad. I do know people IRL who have had their sterilizations reversed. Some got pregnant and some did not. Even when it didn't result in pregnancy, they seem happier.

 

An organization called One More Soul helps with reversals. It might be worth checking out this link. http://onemoresoul.com/sterilization_reversal

Edited April 23, 2011 by merry gardens

[SailorMom]

DH had a vasectomy after DS #2. We always wanted two, and we have no regrets. However, we agreed before the big V that if we ever changed our minds we would adopt. Is that perhaps an option?

[Truscifi]

This is me.

And we only have one child. No desire, EVER, to have more. Dd was very planned, very wanted, and we're very blessed, but we NEVER wanted more after she was born. Dd had a vasectomy when she was six.

 

I used to think that made me weird. Maybe it does?

 

astrid

 

 

If so, I'm weird too. I'm totally happy with my one, and dh is on board with getting a vasectomy as soon as we have saved enough to pay our out of pocket up front.

 

To the OP, that's a tough situation. I don't really understand the drive for more kids, but I think if I ever wanted more I would look into adoption rather than a reversal. I hope you and your dh are able to come to a decision you both are happy with. :grouphug:

[ChandlerMom]

A couple thoughts:

 

As to cost: the big ones that DO scale 1:1 with # kiddos are extracurriculars (piano lessons, sports, classes) and travel (esp airfare). When you go over 5 you're usually stuck with a low gas-efficiency vehicle and hotels can be touchy.

 

As to the elderly "wishing they'd had more" -- classic rose-colored glasses. Heard the same from my dad recently which cracked me up since he was vocal about wishing they'd stopped at 2 for the preceding 30 years. :lol: And success stories: who's gonna say, "well, we should have stopped sooner?" (besides my dad) :D

 

As to God's plan: always tricky to know what that is, and I believe God works thru our decisions and is in our decisions even when they make the path more complicated.

 

Ultimately, I think you and dh need to decide what is motivating you now and how you want to spend your gifts. Is it about what you want for the future or grief over what you USED to want and decided you couldn't have but now might? We make decisions that change our paths and one of the toughest things is letting go of old dreams to be open to new ones. Maybe more kids is your new dream, but you have to be over the grief of losing the old dream first, imo. We can't rewrite history, and shouldn't waste time on "wish we had"s the trick is figuring out where to go from HERE.

 

I think it is interesting that you mentioned you wouldn't feel someone is "missing" just that you have room for more. Maybe that is suggesting a different way to fill your nest? Adoption? Foster kids? Volunteering with folks who are struggling with dysphasia or other challenges you and dh are uniquely suited for?

 

Good luck on a tough decision!

[cupajoe]

But not ONE, hmmm.....? ;)

 

astrid

 

 

Or one! :001_smile:

[Crimson Wife]

That must be where we differ, because I'll take a house full of STUFF any day. ;)

 

Seriously, this has always been a tough thing for me. People realize we have one child and often automatically assume we're selfish or something, or that she was an "oops." I'm not saying that's what you're assuming, but for many, especially in the homeschooling community, it's kind of inconceivable that we'd CHOOSE to have an only. It's frustrating at times.

 

And FTR, it's not that we're selfish, or want "stuff" or live some sort of high lifestyle. We certainly don't have "those luxuries that many people with only children can afford." We just chose to parent one child. Lots of personal reasons, none of which have to do with personal wealth, greed, selfishness, or anything of the sort.

 

Forgive the mini-rant.

 

astrid

 

:grouphug:

My comment wasn't personally directed at you or anybody else. It was more a reaction to the materialistic attitude I see expressed by many 1 or 2 child moms I know IRL. They talk about wanting another child but not being able to afford it, when the truth is that they cannot afford to have another child and still maintain the lavish lifestyle to which they are accustomed.

 

the big ones that DO scale 1:1 with # kiddos are extracurriculars (piano lessons, sports, classes) and travel (esp airfare).

 

None of these things are necessary to have a happy childhood. 4-H, Scouts, and church youth groups offer low-cost activities and a family can always road-trip to a national park & go camping.

 

Would it be nice to do private music lessons and family trips to Europe? Sure. But contrary to popular belief in my area, those things are luxuries rather than necessities.

[Audrey]

God has a plan for each family...whether it be two or twelve... and He will always provide according to His plans.

 

But not ONE, hmmm.....? ;)

 

astrid

 

What about none? What if you try but don't get pregnant at all? Wouldn't it be going against the God to use artificial means to get pregnant?

 

That must be where we differ, because I'll take a house full of STUFF any day. ;)

 

Seriously, this has always been a tough thing for me. People realize we have one child and often automatically assume we're selfish or something, or that she was an "oops." I'm not saying that's what you're assuming, but for many, especially in the homeschooling community, it's kind of inconceivable that we'd CHOOSE to have an only. It's frustrating at times.

 

And FTR, it's not that we're selfish, or want "stuff" or live some sort of high lifestyle. We certainly don't have "those luxuries that many people with only children can afford." We just chose to parent one child. Lots of personal reasons, none of which have to do with personal wealth, greed, selfishness, or anything of the sort.

 

Forgive the mini-rant.

 

astrid

 

We have only one by choice. If that causes some to think I'm selfish, then fine. I think it's kind of selfish to keep having kids you can't care for, or to have kids and then make your parents raise them, or to have kids and be a substance abuser while you're pregnant, or to go around impregnating women without bothering to be a parent.

 

I don't think it's selfish to make a conscious, rational choice on what you know you can and cannot do, and then follow through on that.

[Maverick_Mom]

Such a hard one.

I think you can do whatever you can do- you can try the methods of reversal etc- but also its good to find acceptance if it is not to be that you have more children.

 

There are sometimes threads here where people talk about their inability to have more kids for one reason or another, and the grief involved. These threads helped me realise how common it is to grieve for more kids. I have felt it for 15 years now- the feeling to have more is still here and I am 44 soon. But I also have an acceptance of my situation (dh clearly wanted no more kids and i respect that, hard as it has been), and that I have 2 beautiful children. Many people don't even get what I have.

 

I think acceptance is the key to happiness- many people have more children than me and still feel grief at not having more. Its a natural human drive and emotion and its stronger in some of us than others. But life doesn't always give us what we want, and that's ok too. Even though I wanted and still want more kids, I am happy and not living in angst over it.

 

Inn other words, do whatever you can if the drive is strong enough- but don't ruin your life, your happiness over it. Remind yourself of what you have.

 

Peela, your words are beautiful and wise. Thank you.

[ange]

Peela, your words are beautiful and wise. Thank you.

 

Such a hard one.

I think you can do whatever you can do- you can try the methods of reversal etc- but also its good to find acceptance if it is not to be that you have more children.

 

There are sometimes threads here where people talk about their inability to have more kids for one reason or another, and the grief involved. These threads helped me realise how common it is to grieve for more kids. I have felt it for 15 years now- the feeling to have more is still here and I am 44 soon. But I also have an acceptance of my situation (dh clearly wanted no more kids and i respect that, hard as it has been), and that I have 2 beautiful children. Many people don't even get what I have.

 

I think acceptance is the key to happiness- many people have more children than me and still feel grief at not having more. Its a natural human drive and emotion and its stronger in some of us than others. But life doesn't always give us what we want, and that's ok too. Even though I wanted and still want more kids, I am happy and not living in angst over it.

 

Inn other words, do whatever you can if the drive is strong enough- but don't ruin your life, your happiness over it. Remind yourself of what you have.

 

Just wanted to say :iagree:. Thanks.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Such a hard one.

I think you can do whatever you can do- you can try the methods of reversal etc- but also its good to find acceptance if it is not to be that you have more children.

 

There are sometimes threads here where people talk about their inability to have more kids for one reason or another, and the grief involved. These threads helped me realise how common it is to grieve for more kids. I have felt it for 15 years now- the feeling to have more is still here and I am 44 soon. But I also have an acceptance of my situation (dh clearly wanted no more kids and i respect that, hard as it has been), and that I have 2 beautiful children. Many people don't even get what I have.

 

I think acceptance is the key to happiness- many people have more children than me and still feel grief at not having more. Its a natural human drive and emotion and its stronger in some of us than others. But life doesn't always give us what we want, and that's ok too. Even though I wanted and still want more kids, I am happy and not living in angst over it.

 

Inn other words, do whatever you can if the drive is strong enough- but don't ruin your life, your happiness over it. Remind yourself of what you have.

:iagree:

I also have two beautiful children and I am also 44. Sometimes I long to have more children. But I have learned to accept that fact that we will just enjoy these two. I always say that if I were 5 yrs younger I would love to have one or two more children. But I am happy and don't want to ruin it. Thanks for what you said, which is exactly what I feel.

My dh is an only child and his mom had ligation done. But now when she sees our two beautiful kids and how much fun they have together, she says if she could do it over again, she would have two or more. Dh's dad wanted to have more but just respected her choice. Now he is having loads of fun with his two grandkids.

I just think the only child (whether by parents' choice or not) misses the fun of having intimate relationship only siblings can offer. They don't know what having a sibling feels. I always dislike the fact my dh is an only child because I have 4 siblings I love dearly. Since I am from another country, after dh's parents die, we will have no one to celebrate holidays with or visit. His cousins live far away and we see some 2x and some others 1x in the 11 years we are married. They are not nearly as close as siblings.

Edited April 23, 2011 by aomom

[GypsieFamily]

Thank you all. It's been great getting such frank responses. We are leaning towards a reversal and whatever shall be shall be. I think as someone said, we almost almost feel it is interfering with what nature dictates can be.

 

Adoption isn't really an option in Australia.

 

To Astrid: I know a lot of people are perfectly content with just one. I am an only child and so is DH. My parents only.ever.wanted.one. Actually, my father had had a vasectomy that he then had reversed to have me. After I was born, they were so sure that one was enough that my mum had a hysterectomy (spelling?). DH's father thinks one was absolutely enough and was perfectly content, his mother was and still is miserable and regretful about only having one. So, three out of four grandparents will tell us that we are nuts, and truly believe it, as even though we were both planned babies, they never had any desire for more.

 

It's just that nagging sense that there are more to come, or room for more. The kids don't do extra-curriculars as we are on the move. The extra cost would be another mouth to feed. University here is paid by the government, and only paid back on a sliding scale as an extra 2 - 7% of your wages once you earn $50,000+ so that is not a consideration.

 

Thank you again to everyone.

[Melissa in Australia]

University here is paid by the government, and only paid back on a sliding scale as an extra 2 - 7% of your wages once you earn $50,000+ so that is not a consideration.

 

.

:001_unsure: What state of Australia do you live in??? Or are you talking about getting a student loan?

I am studying at the moment, and it is going to cost me over $21,000 to get my degree ( primary teacher).

My ds is doing uni course at the moment, each 13 week course is $1000.

He wants to become an engineer, his degree will cost somewhere between $60,000 -100,000.

He will have to pay for it all. The government won't pay for any of it, just give him a student loan.

[Mommee & Baba]

In having this conversation with some other mothers throughout the years, they limited their family size because they felt it was an obligation to pay for their children's college educations. We don't feel that way so that wouldn't limit the size of our family.

 

 

:iagree:I've heard this too!

 

We have 3 children and we never once thought...wow we must've stopped at 1 if we're going to have to pay for college.

[GypsieFamily]

:001_unsure: What state of Australia do you live in??? Or are you talking about getting a student loan?

I am studying at the moment, and it is going to cost me over $21,000 to get my degree ( primary teacher).

My ds is doing uni course at the moment, each 13 week course is $1000.

He wants to become an engineer, his degree will cost somewhere between $60,000 -100,000.

He will have to pay for it all. The government won't pay for any of it, just give him a student loan.

 

Hi Melissa, I was referring to the FEE-HELP / HECS-HELP scheme. I know that we'll still have to pay it back in the long run, but if you have an interest-free scheme where you don't pay if you don't earn, I see this as being easier. That said, jeez that HECS debt adds up quickly!