Emotionally manipulative in-laws....

[Veritaserum]

:banghead: I don't know what to do. Dh's parents moved in with us three years ago because they were in deep debt and FIL had congestive heart failure. He got a heart transplant three months ago and is doing much better. We finished our basement as a contained apartment. The arrangement grew increasingly difficult for me due to a combination of my need for personal space and my MIL's frequent barging in. The straw that broke this camel's back was when she started "rescuing" my oldest dd when dd and I were having a disagreement. Excuse me, but I am the parent and I am handling this. Back off! I told dh that I needed his parents to move out. After a whole lot more drama than was anywhere close to reasonable, his parents agreed to leave. I gave them a deadline of June (MIL teaches at a public school).

 

They found a place that became available April 1st and have slooooowly been moving things over. I don't have much of an issue with that. My problem is that MIL keeps whining to dh about how hard it is to move and that she's worried about finances. For the past twelve years she has shared her financial worries with dh (he's the oldest child and the only one with his act together financially). She should have taken those worries to her husband (who has a habit of spending money he doesn't have), but instead she takes them to mine. That leaves him feeling unreasonably responsible for their financial needs. He has a wife and five kids. It is unfair of her to place this additional burden on him. We have helped them a lot, both with very large gifts of money (paid off their debts) and with shelter.

 

I have already told her once that she has made my dh feel responsible for their financial needs. I told her she needs to avoid placing that burden on him. That was over a month ago. Perhaps she needs a refresher because this morning it was more "woe is me" and dh went back to asking me to let them stay. Ugh. Every time their move comes up as a topic, she hems and haws and seems to be trying to get me to change my mind. Not gonna happen.

 

To top it off, on Sunday two of dh's siblings told us that they aren't mad at us for kicking MIL and FIL out, but that it would have been nice to give them more time. More time???? Four months is plenty of time, I think. And thank you so much for forgiving me for asking two adults to take care of themselves. :glare: One of the siblings also lived with us last year, along with his wife and baby. I nearly lost my mind. BIL&co finally moved out after ten months (instead of the expected 1-2) because I put my foot down. MIL makes $45,000 a year and FIL gets disability. I don't know what they're spending their money on, but that's enough for two people to live comfortably in our area.

 

Dh is unable to see the emotional manipulation for what it is. I'd so very much love to confront MIL and tell her to stop, but I'm not sure if that's the wisest course of action....

[Joanne]

{hugs}

 

Have you read the book Boundaries? It is Christian, but is is a very good resource for situations like the one you describe.

[kalanamak]

Yeek. M/FIL plus BIL with baby? And 5 kids. You need a medal. And it is hubby who needs a book.

 

:grouphug:

[Veritaserum]

{hugs}

 

Have you read the book Boundaries? It is Christian, but is is a very good resource for situations like the one you describe.

 

I haven't, but that sounds like a book Dh's whole family needs to read! I would love to put up some boundaries. :) Well, ok, I have put them up, but dh is a weak spot in our boundary fence. He thinks it's morally wrong of us to ask his parents to move out even though I've told him that I cannot live with them anymore. He's siding with me because I'm his wife, but it has really torn him up to think that he's "abandoning" his parents in their "need". When helping and giving are hurting his wife and kids they are no longer good things. :(

 

Is this the book?

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/177-7042430-7135044

[Veritaserum]

Yeek. M/FIL plus BIL with baby? And 5 kids. You need a medal. And it is hubby who needs a book.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thank you. :) His family doesn't seem to understand that it wasn't exactly convenient for us to add five more people to our household. In fact, MIL told me she felt betrayed and so upset that I wanted them to move out because she had left a good job and friends in another state to come live with us. Um, I didn't beg her to come. She begged us to move in! And they are moving ten minutes away, so it's not like we will never be able to see them again.

 

Can I exchange my medal for a week at a beach alone? :D

[Forget-Me-Not]

Good grief mama! That's a lot of stress. Have you and DH sought any counseling, religious or otherwise?

[Liz CA]

 

Is this the book?

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/177-7042430-7135044

 

Yes, this is the book. The authors are Henry Cloud and John Townsend, both accredited Doctors of Psychology and Christian if this matters to you. But even if you are not Christian you will find their style very common sense and non-preachy. You can also listen to their radio show on http://www.newlife.com

[arghmatey]

He is throwing you under the bus by making you handle this. He needs to handle his mother rather than letting you be the bad guy.

 

I feel for you most of all. At this point, though, the problem is your husband, not your in-laws.

 

Counseling would probably help him be a team player (your team).

[ThatCyndiGirl]

My husband's MIL lives with us.

 

You have my sympathies. :grouphug:

 

She is supposed to move out in July.

 

:glare: <---this is me not holding my breath.

 

:grouphug:

[Trish]

Maybe you need to up the rent. Or, are they making that much money and not paying rent? Hmm. Well. I think you've already gone well above and beyond the call of duty.

 

How about this, if their financial need is so great, then if they STAY, you and dh get to manage their finances. i.e. They hand the checks over to you and you manage everything. Since they are in such great financial need surely they need help in this area. Then you can really find out "where the money goes."

 

Or, if they want to manage their own finances, they can have at it. Somewhere else.

 

I think DH needs to understand that his wife/family ought to come ahead of mooching relatives. Would they end up in a homeless shelter if they had to leave? If not, then they should really go.

 

Sorry, this is a tough one!

[cin]

Turn the situation around. What if it was someone from YOUR family pulling this stunt? How would DH feel then?

 

And my one comment, DH knew better than to even SUGGEST that his mom move in with us. Peela would have heard the fireworks!!!!!!!!

[Parrothead]

My husband's MIL lives with us.

 

 

 

Is that your mom?

[Harriet Vane]

It's sooooooo hard to remember those boundaries when dealing with someone you love, especially a parent. Yes, the boundaries need to be drawn, definitely, but what your dh is feeling is pretty normal. In this case, I think you're going to have to be the strong one, in a non-emotional, repetitive kind of way, about the need for the boundaries, and dh is going to have to trust you and maintain those boundaries with you.

 

I have an excellent relationship with my own in-laws and love them very dearly. However, even with them there can be issues. It's just the way human beings operate. I think of a frivolous example from many years ago. Dh was taking a series of really, horribly grueling exams. Less than 40% of the people who take a given exam in the series will pass. The year dd was born, Dh's exam fell on the day after Mother's Day. He was soooooo stressed out about this. I made it clear that I had NO need to be pampered and spoiled on that day--we could just reschedule Mother's Day for a week later, after the monster exam. We agreed to see mil and fil at church that week, and dh made it clear to all concerned parties that he just HAD TO focus on the exam, but would like to have celebrate with his mom in a lengthier way another time. Dh also BEGGED me to help him hold firm for the sake of the exam. Let me make this clear--this was HIS request, HIS decision.

 

When we saw the in-laws at church, everything fell apart. Mil just loves her son sooooooo much, and loves her grand-daughter soooooooo much she couldn't fathom not spending the day together. She kept begging to just have lunch together. Just a lunch. Dh suddenly began begging me as well, as if I were the one who was the problem. Suddenly in the presence of his mom his exam concerns and his earlier decision paled in the light of her love for him and her need. Next thing you know, everyone is begging me, and I felt I had no choice but to say it dh's decision.

 

We did lunch, but it didn't stop there. Mil wanted to stop by and play with the baby, just shortly. Goodness--by the time they left it was early evening. We both knew that's what would happen, but dh had been powerless to stop it.

 

Dh later apologized to me. He also talked to his mom about the difficulties she created. We did have to set the boundary again for another Mother's Day (same scenario--an exam scheduled the day after). It was better next time, but still very, very hard for dh to stand against his mom.

 

All this to say, you are RIGHT about what needs to happen, and RIGHT that the family needs to back off. It will be soooo hard for dh. You'll have to keep repeating, repeating, repeating (kindly and dispassionately) all the reasons why this needs to happen. Dh needs to repeat those reasons to himself as well, and keep setting those boundaries.

[Elisabeth in IL]

How about this, if their financial need is so great, then if they STAY, you and dh get to manage their finances. i.e. They hand the checks over to you and you manage everything. Since they are in such great financial need surely they need help in this area. Then you can really find out "where the money goes."

 

Or, if they want to manage their own finances, they can have at it. Somewhere else.

I love this idea! I think they would decide very quickly that they could handle life on their own.

[5forMe]

Yeek. M/FIL plus BIL with baby? And 5 kids. You need a medal. And it is hubby who needs a book.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

 

Your hubby needs a reality check - he needs to put *his wife* and *his own children* first. the Bible says to leave your parents and cleave to your wife. He needs to do that.

 

His parents aren't unable to care for themselves, they just won't and they've passed that lack of responsibility to their other children. You've already let mil know they need to be out by June (which is GENEROUS), if they aren't out, start charging a GENEROUS rent due June 1st as a motivater to get them out.

 

It might be worth taking a few days of school and "helping" your inlaws move. teach your kids to pack boxes, and haul them over yourself. it is a hands on lesson in spatial planning, etc. do not ask your mil if she wants help, just do it. If your mil complains about it, reminder her she says moving is so hard, so you're helping her. If you start with clothes, toiletries, and bed, it will make them go faster.

Edited April 10, 2011 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

Yeek. M/FIL plus BIL with baby? And 5 kids. You need a medal. And it is hubby who needs a book.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:with the medal - hubby needs a backbone. I question if a book would grow him one.

[pbt1294]

I absolutely could NOT handle this. My dad is in very poor health and my mother is even worse. I'm sooooo afraid that my dad is gonna pass on and my mother is gonna want to live with me.

 

If you had read another post of mine from another thread you might understand why this would be such a bad thing! And I'm all for families helping each other out, but that is IF the situation is emotionally healthy. It doesn't sound like it is, in this case.

 

Oh, and I'm gonna have to get that book! This is the second time this week I've heard it recommended. There is a lady my age at church that has been "stalking" me for the past 3 years, and it is getting worse. She wants to really "get to know" me better, but I have 6 kids including an infant and I homeschool! I don't have the time to "get to know" her!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

When we saw the in-laws at church, everything fell apart. Mil just loves her son sooooooo much, and loves her grand-daughter soooooooo much she couldn't fathom not spending the day together. She kept begging to just have lunch together. We did lunch, but it didn't stop there. by the time they left it was early evening. We both knew that's what would happen, but dh had been powerless to stop it.

.

 

That is NOT love - if it was, she would have supported him studying for his exam first - perhaps inviting you and your daughter to her house to play with while your husband studied undisturbed.

Your husband wasn't powerless - he could have said no he needed to study and just walked away when she wouldn't listen.

[gardenmom5]

. In fact, MIL told me she felt betrayed and so upset that I wanted them to move out because she had left a good job and friends in another state to come live with us. Um, I didn't beg her to come. She begged us to move in! And they are moving ten minutes away, so it's not like we will never be able to see them again.

 

Can I exchange my medal for a week at a beach alone? :D

 

I'd just remind her no one forced her to come, and she's welcome to move back to that state with her friends . . . . 10 minutes away might be too close.

 

Maybe after they get out of your house, you and dh can take a break for a getaway just the two of you. I'd imagine the stress of his parents there has had a negative impact on your marriage.

[gardenmom5]

He is throwing you under the bus by making you handle this. He needs to handle his mother rather than letting you be the bad guy.

 

I feel for you most of all. At this point, though, the problem is your husband, not your in-laws.

 

Counseling would probably help him be a team player (your team).

 

:iagree:

[Alicia64]

I haven't, but that sounds like a book Dh's whole family needs to read! I would love to put up some boundaries. :) Well, ok, I have put them up, but dh is a weak spot in our boundary fence. He thinks it's morally wrong of us to ask his parents to move out even though I've told him that I cannot live with them anymore. He's siding with me because I'm his wife, but it has really torn him up to think that he's "abandoning" his parents in their "need". When helping and giving are hurting his wife and kids they are no longer good things. :(

 

Is this the book?

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/177-7042430-7135044

 

I disagree. It's not a book for the whole family. It's a book for you. Your MIL is perfectly happy with manipulating her son -- there is no incentive for her to stop this insanity.

 

Your DH is ensnared because he loves his mom and this has been going on forever.

 

It's a very, very unhealthy situation: for you, dh and, most importantly, your children. Sadly, dh is part of the unhealthy system and won't be able to exit this on his own. He needs your help. It's unconscious on his part, but he needs your help.

 

Hoping that your MIL or dh will "see the light" by reading books is a sign that you're not realizing how serious this problem is. Nobody but you will be able to fix this problem.

 

Be prepared to be the "bad guy". . . but know that you're doing the right thing for your family.

 

And, take good care of yourself: lots of walks, good books, pizza. . . whatever you need.

 

Alley :grouphug:

[Anita in NC]

Your MIL sounds like a narcissist. (My mother is one too).

 

Your DH needs to have a revelation that his parents happiness is not his responsibility, that his wife and children come first, and that he needs to set firm boundaries and stick to them.

 

If I were you (since you've already given them money) I would pay a couple of guys with a truck to come and move all their stuff out ASAP to their new apartment. Then tell them to call before stopping by in the future.

[gardenmom5]

Your DH needs to have a revelation that his parents happiness is not his responsibility.

 

If I were you (since you've already given them money) I would pay a couple of guys with a truck to come and move all their stuff out ASAP to their new apartment. Then tell them to call before stopping by in the future.

 

:iagree: - change the exterior door locks as you can't ever be sure they've give back all their copies of your house keys.

[Veritaserum]

Dh is unwilling/unable to confront her, plus he doesn't think it's wrong of her to be "honest" in what she's thinking/feeling. I'm taking the kids on a trip for the next few days and I've got an impulse to confront her today before we leave. Just a "hey, stop complaining to my husband" sort of conversation. I think I got her convinced yesterday to let us hire movers. I want them out. I don't think we will make any progress until they're gone. And yes, I'd love to get back my 2,000 mile buffer!

 

I'm the villain according to dh and his family because I need space and boundaries. MIL does have some really great qualities, but it's difficult to appreciate any of them at the moment. She and I are not going to have a relationship if she keeps inserting herself into my marriage to her son. They are all blind to the unhealthiness of this situation. The betrayal and heartbreak over having to move ten minutes down the road is just unbelievable.

 

I spoke to our ecclesiastical leader about this a month ago and he invited me to bring dh back with me. Dh didn't want to go. He and I did go see a counselor and made some strides with communication. I think we need to go back and bring his parents with us. He shot down that idea this morning because he is worried that I'll "be mean" to them. Other than asking them to move out (which may be an unforiveable request @@) I have been polite. Maybe I should stop being polite and tell MIL to knock it off already or she's not going to see her grandkids anymore. :glare: I wouldn't really do that, but I'm feeling backed into a corner here. :(

[kalanamak]

:iagree:with the medal - hubby needs a backbone. I question if a book would grow him one.

 

Maybe smote on the head a few times with it. :)

Come to think of it, he may have the Stockholm Effect going on.

And be sure and be lovey dovey with the extra peace and quiet when they are gone.

[arghmatey]

... She and I are not going to have a relationship if she keeps inserting herself into my marriage to her son...

 

Tell her this, and explain how that will hinder her relationship with her grandchildren, also.

 

My initial response is to let DH handle it (just because it works in our family doesn't mean it works in everyone's), but if he won't, then yes, you should say something.

 

I just don't know exactly what to say because the entire family thinks YOU are the villain because your husband initiates this thought process. He is the one causing all of this by enabling his parents for x number of years and by not having a spine.

 

They shouldn't even know it is about YOUR feelings; the message should be, "We want you to move out because..."

 

His mother is allowed to bring up any topic with him. Because he cannot properly respond as a married man, she continues her behavior. Good luck controlling her behavior!

 

*********

 

I *might* say, with a more polite spin, "MIL, cut out the emotional manipulation. When is your move date?"

 

Her: You are so meannnnnnnnnnn...

 

You: Okay, so your move date is next Monday. How can we help you with that?

 

Her: But, this isn't fairrrrrrrrrrr...

 

You: That is very interesting. I will arrange a moving truck for xx/xx/xx. Please have all your things packed by then. Oh, the cookies are almost finished baking. I'll bring some over to you so you don't need to stop packing to enjoy them...

 

***********

 

Regarding other in-law's opinions:

 

IL: I need to discuss blahblah with you.

 

You: No, thank you. I will only discuss this directly with MIL. So, how are the kids?

[RahRah]

Dh is unwilling/unable to confront her, plus he doesn't think it's wrong of her to be "honest" in what she's thinking/feeling.

 

What she is doing isn't being 'honest' with your DH about what she's feeling - what she is doing is parentifying your DH, a form of emotional incest, where she goes to him with her problems rather than her husband. Doing that to a child, a minor or an adult, is wrong. She is supposed to be his mother, and she is placing him in a role to rescue her - not only from her own bad choices (financial), but from you, his wife, who is supposed to be priority number one!

 

Your DH feels trapped because it is the dysfunctional dynamic he is used to and you are now pointing out how unhealthy such a dynamic is - not only for him, as an adult, but for your relationship as a married couple with your own children.

 

What your MIL is doing is effectively triangluate you and your husband and ASSIGNED you the role of villian in the triangle - she is victim, your husband is hero. This dynamic sets up a loyalty bind for your husband - does he victimize his mother by switching you to victim and her villian, or does he save her? Because you're accepting the role of villian, and continuing to play your part as assigned, you're enabling the designation of villian to perpetuate and giving your husband permission to save his mother instead of you unconsciously.

 

Triangluating is one of the most effective tools in a narcissist's toolbox - it divides and conquers any set of people (a couple, children, friends) whom they apply it to, to their advantage. Your MIL sounds to me like a waif - the woe is me type - who will use triangluation to effect getting their way at any cost, even the happiness of their child and their relationship with their spouse.

 

I'm the villain according to dh and his family because I need space and boundaries. MIL does have some really great qualities, but it's difficult to appreciate any of them at the moment. She and I are not going to have a relationship if she keeps inserting herself into my marriage to her son. They are all blind to the unhealthiness of this situation. The betrayal and heartbreak over having to move ten minutes down the road is just unbelievable.

 

Waif, waif, waif....your MIL is specifically pulling a waif to stimulate the response of what's called "FOG" - fear, obligation and guilt in your husband. And it's working. Having each of these emotions is healthy and necessary in normal healthy relationships - they're unhealthy when used for manipulation of another - and that's what your MIL is doing - manipulating your DH, her son. She installed the buttons and knows which ones to push and that's what she is doing now. I bet if she doesn't get her way she might also assume other personalities - has she gotten angry (Witch) or said things to the effect that she's entitled (Queen) to be taken care of by her son? That he has an obligation to her as she is his family?

 

IMO you and your husband need to evaluate your boundaries and mutually agree to what you will and will not tolerate....keeping in mind that boundaries are not controling another or making them change their behavior - but changing your own reaction to bad behavior by taking an action different than you have in the past to reinforce your boundaries. For example, if your MIL begins to discuss her finances with your DH, your boundaries may be that such is unacceptable - your DH, rather than engage, may ask her how she is going to resolve that, instead of falling into helping her or saving her financially - giving her back her responsibility to solve her financial situation, not him. Or, when your MIL begins the pity-party, you and DH agree that you'll note to her that her doing that is unacceptable and then (while she's still in your house) you, he and your kids go out for ice cream and will return later, removing yourself from the discomfort she is setting up.

 

You cannot be allowed to be assigned a role, your DH is allowing this from his mother......you can point this out to him and let him know you will no longer play this game, your marriage is not a game and it is and must be priority!

Edited April 10, 2011 by RahRah

[RahRah]

They shouldn't even know it is about YOUR feelings; the message should be, "We want you to move out because..."

 

I totally agree - it can't be about your 'feelings' - once you go there, you open yourself up to lots of emotional stuggles....your feelings aren't the issue, the inlaws moving is the issue - so that needs to be the focus!

 

I *might* say, with a more polite spin, "MIL, cut out the emotional manipulation. When is your move date?"

 

Her: You are so meannnnnnnnnnn...

 

You: Okay, so your move date is next Monday. How can we help you with that?

 

Her: But, this isn't fairrrrrrrrrrr...

 

You: That is very interesting. I will arrange a moving truck for xx/xx/xx. Please have all your things packed by then. Oh, the cookies are almost finished baking. I'll bring some over to you so you don't need to stop packing to enjoy them...

 

:iagree:

 

And I'll add, you and your husband are not responsible for making or keeping your inlaws happy, nor are they responsible for your happiness. Staying focused on the issue, rather than feelings, works well if you can do it....but your DH first needs to recognize the FOG issues to be able to clear that away and hone in on the issues because the emotions being stimulated are having the exact effect your MIL wants - his attention and his placing her needs above yours and your marriage. That isn't to say he should throw her under the bus - but he does need to make it clear to her that you and his marriage are priority and that this, their moving, is in the best interest of your marriage and your ongoing relationship with them.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[3lilreds in NC]

It took my dh many years, and the threat of divorce, to understand that we needed boundaries with his parents. In some ways, I know he knew they were unreasonable, but he grew up with them and really did not see what the big deal was. To me, they are toxic (still) and a threat to our marriage. I do not trust them any further than I can throw them, and cannot allow our boundaries (which everyone but me thinks are extreme) to relax, because they would fall back into the same patterns and I would not be able to handle that.

 

I hope once they are actually out, things will improve. Encourage them to see a financial advisor, if they are so worried about finances. I don't know if they would be comfortable attending something like a Dave Ramsey/Crown Ministries/Good Sense Budgeting class, but they need to do something that will allow them to see what they need to do and help them make a plan to get there. We went to one and it helped us a lot.

 

The ball needs to be put in THEIR COURT. Unfortunately, until your dh sees that he needs to tell his mother to knock it off, nothing will change. At least in my situation, the ILs do not listen to me - no matter what I am trying to tell them - and in cases involving boundaries, particularly, dh has to handle it.

 

Can you go back to counseling and specifically discuss the need for boundaries with the inlaws, and why dh feels you are being unreasonable? I told my dh after the poo hit the fan a few years ago that I would not sit down and have any kind of discussion with his parents about our relationship with them without a mediator. They are that crazy - any discussion is pointless. Someone else needs to be there to translate and help come to an understanding. It would be interesting to see how your MIL responded to telling a counselor that she burdens your dh with her finances.

 

:grouphug: Inlaws - can't live with them and sadly can't shoot them either. I'm sorry, Sweetie.

[Veritaserum]

I think dh is worried about going to counseling again because he knows that it is his family that's nuts. I'm really upset right now because he and I had recovered from the whole kerfuffle of telling his parents to move out. Now he's hurt and angry at me again after MIL's little pity party.

 

I'm wondering about writing her an email to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that they need to be completely moved by the end of the week. Dh is NOT on board with that at all, though, so I'm not sure that request has any teeth. She'll just cry to him about how hard it would be to move that fast (she's off school this whole week). He'll be even angrier at me for being so mean to his mom. Etc.

 

I hate this! :(

[AK_Mom4]

It "is" hard to move. So hard, in fact, that you and your DH should hire a local company to come in and pack it all for them, move, and then unpack qt the other end. We did this for my Dad several times as he moved between apartments and it really made things go more smoothly.

 

It would be a small price to pay for your sanity, I am thinking. And maybe it would help your DH feel that he was being less "mean" by doing something nice to help them (at least you could phrase it that way....)

[Veritaserum]

Ok, I've written an email draft that dispassionately explains my perspective regarding the unfair emotional burden she's placing on her son. It also says she needs to hire movers tomorrow so that they can be out by the end of the week. We will reimburse her. If there is any shred of reason within her, she will react by hiring movers and keeping her mouth shut....

[gardenmom5]

I'm wondering about writing her an email to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that they need to be completely moved by the end of the week. Dh is NOT on board with that at all, though, so I'm not sure that request has any teeth. She'll just cry to him about how hard it would be to move that fast (she's off school this whole week). He'll be even angrier at me for being so mean to his mom. Etc.

 

here's where being diabolical comes in handy. you can send an e-mail announcing you are hiring movers (they can pack her so she doesn't have that excuse) to help her move this week - anytime she (or your husband) whines about it, point out you're helping her because *she* said moving was so hard. empathsize how much happier *she* will be in her own place. (you don't have to give any reasons "why" she'll be happier. if she protests about how mean you are, stare her in the eye - do NOT blink, and under NO circumstance look away before she does - and repeat in a sickly sweet voice with a smile on your face "you will be happier in your own place, and we all want you to be happy".) put the onous on HER.

 

do not bother telling her her behavior is unacceptable - it will fall on deaf ears, and she'll just use it as proof of how horrible you are. It won't change her behavior, but you can change yours. dh has a favorite saying "don't try and teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig."

 

Decide which is more important to you (and ask your husband to decide which is more important to him? 'cause right now, by his actions he's saying it's his mother. Note you're not deciding for him, you are forcing him to make a conscious choice so he can't blame you anymore for his refusal. refusal to make a choice IS a choice.) - Is it your family's longterm success, or your husband's family not being mad at you? they won't let you have it both ways. they're already mad at you, so you don't have anything more to lose by "being mean" and hiring a mover to move her this week. I assure you, if you don't get your manipulative il's out of your house, it *will* hurt your family and your children. (at the very least, your children will grow up not knowing how to set boundaries and they will be more likely to enter relationships where they will be manipulated . . . )

Edited April 10, 2011 by gardenmom5

[AK_Mom4]

Ok, I've written an email draft that dispassionately explains my perspective regarding the unfair emotional burden she's placing on her son. It also says she needs to hire movers tomorrow so that they can be out by the end of the week. We will reimburse her. If there is any shred of reason within her, she will react by hiring movers and keeping her mouth shut....

 

Never put anything in writing that can later be used against you. What you have written probably seems "dispassionate", but will undoubtably be sent out to all the friends and relatives to "prove" how cruel and COLD you are, forcing your DH to do all these things and issuing ultimatums.

 

Really, these email things with relatives (especially ones living in your basement!) never work out for the best.... Better would be to get your DH to let them know he is paying for movers that are showing up on Tuesday to help them. He might do it because that way he gets to be the good guy and you get them moved out. A win all around!

[Veritaserum]

Never put anything in writing that can later be used against you. What you have written probably seems "dispassionate", but will undoubtably be sent out to all the friends and relatives to "prove" how cruel and COLD you are, forcing your DH to do all these things and issuing ultimatums.

 

Really, these email things with relatives (especially ones living in your basement!) never work out for the best.... Better would be to get your DH to let them know he is paying for movers that are showing up on Tuesday to help them. He might do it because that way he gets to be the good guy and you get them moved out. A win all around!

 

He was supposed to call movers yesterday, but he didn't. When I asked him if he wanted me to take care of it he said no. :glare: At this point I do not care if his family ends up hating me. If that's what it takes to get them away from me, so be it.... Maybe I should take her aside tonight and speak with her in person, though.

 

I've been looking for movers online and I'm so annoyed that they all want you to enter your personal info to get a quote or see if they are available.

[gardenmom5]

Ok, I've written an email draft that dispassionately explains my perspective regarding the unfair emotional burden she's placing on her son. It also says she needs to hire movers tomorrow so that they can be out by the end of the week. We will reimburse her. If there is any shred of reason within her, she will react by hiring movers and keeping her mouth shut....

 

 

STOP, absolutely, under NO circumstances should you send it. There is NO "shred of reason" within her, and she will NOT hire movers of her own volition. no matter what you say, it WILL be used against you. I guarantee she will immediately take it to your husband and complain about "your lies and slander". He doesn't stand up to her already, this will make it worse. by using "your perspective" of how she adversly affects him, you are setting yourself up as the problem. This woman will destroy your marriage. (and your family. if she stays, your children will be more likely to connect with highly manipulative people.)

 

You need to be *much* more matter of fact and pre-emptive. Just announce since it is so hard for her to pack and move, you are helping her by hiring movers to help her this week and they will pack and move and she wont' have to worry about it. becasue after all, she is just so upset about what's invovled with moving and you want things to be as easy for her as they can. put the onus on HER.

[gardenmom5]

I've been looking for movers online and I'm so annoyed that they all want you to enter your personal info to get a quote or see if they are available.

 

I don't know what craiglist is like in your area, but they frequently have ads from college students looking for money. You don't need to hire a big name mover.

[Joanne]

Ok. Take a deep, cleansing breath. You have 2 issues (at least ;)).

 

1. The need for the in laws to move, and quickly.

 

2. An issue of diffused boundaries on your part.

 

3. An issue of unrecovery/dysfunction on the part of DH that effects this sitiuation, but more generally, the marriage.

 

Make a list for each item, what you can do and the priorities.

 

My *big* suggestion at this point is to not attempt to address the back issues of dysfunction with DH or extended family until you (or, better yet, as a couple) get professional support.

 

Right now, get them out. Then consider what is a non-negotiable in terms of your relationship with DH.

[OLG]

Excellent analytical post by RahRah!

 

My two cents...you can see the finish line(!) given that they have the apartment and you hired the moving guys, so hang in there. :grouphug: YOu are doing exactly what needs to be done so don't feel guilty. Hold your ground (and your tongue) and keep the process in motion. IT truly is best for all involved. Avoid talking about ti as much as is possible and just get them out. YOu are never going to resolve all of the dysfunctional dynamics yourself and are NOT responsible for doing so. WHen they are OUT your dh might have a better 'view' of things as well and will eventually thank you for doing what you are doing, dear lady!!! Don't get tangled up in added discussions or 'plans'. Just get them out!!!! Stay strong!!!

[Susan in TN]

I haven't experienced this personally, but my BIL and his wife did with my in-laws. It was torture for his wife because my BIL would not put any boundaries where they needed to be. Any of her complaints were written off as sour personality and ungratefulness (despite the fact that it was THEIR house!) and ignored.

 

All I can advise is that dh needs to make you and your kids his priority. period. It is good that you were willing to help your in-laws out, but it seems that everyone(?) agrees that it's time for them to be on their own. They can buy food. They can afford shelter. MIL already has a husband. She doesn't need another, even if she thinks she does.

 

Your MIL is no doubt under a great deal of stress with the moves, illness of FIL, and his surgery - and that's hard on a person. Nevertheless, YOUR dh needs to protect you/kids and put those relational, emotional, and physical boundaries where they should be, as soon as possible.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: (Here we are, circling the wagons for you.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

Edited April 10, 2011 by Susan in TN

[Veritaserum]

Ok, I won't send it. But I am calling movers tomorrow. I'm going out of town early tomorrow morning and will be gone until Wednesday night, but I'll bring the phone numbers with me and schedule something for ASAP after I'm home. And then I'll let MIL know the date to expect the movers. They haven't been boxing stuff, so I think full service is the way to go. The guys will come, bringing boxes, and just get it done.

[Mothersweets]

Turn the situation around. What if it was someone from YOUR family pulling this stunt? How would DH feel then?

 

And my one comment, DH knew better than to even SUGGEST that his mom move in with us. Peela would have heard the fireworks!!!!!!!!

 

This!! I know my dh would have NO mercy. Hire the movers ASAP!

[kalanamak]

They haven't been boxing stuff, so I think full service is the way to go. The guys will come, bringing boxes, and just get it done.

 

:grouphug:

 

Be prepared for your FIL to have chest pain and 911 to be called, and also to have to re-paint the door jamb, where your MIL's fingernails have taken the paint off as you pried her fingers off.

 

I don't mind being the "bad guy but what do you expect from an atheist" with my ILs. I grew weary of every time they were suddenly nice and interested in visiting, it was about money. Oh, and listening to them trash hubby when he wasn't around. To paraphrase Buddy in the novel Franny and Zooey, "Whatever might be said about our family, it isn't FISHY", and I'm so grateful MINE isn't.

Edited April 10, 2011 by kalanamak

[Trish]

I think dh is worried about going to counseling again because he knows that it is his family that's nuts. I'm really upset right now because he and I had recovered from the whole kerfuffle of telling his parents to move out. Now he's hurt and angry at me again after MIL's little pity party.

 

I'm wondering about writing her an email to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that they need to be completely moved by the end of the week. Dh is NOT on board with that at all, though, so I'm not sure that request has any teeth. She'll just cry to him about how hard it would be to move that fast (she's off school this whole week). He'll be even angrier at me for being so mean to his mom. Etc.

 

I hate this! :(

 

Maybe make it plain to him: they need to move out for the sake of the immediate family and yourself (which need to come first), also, for the sake of *your* relationship with your in-laws. Tell him the stress of having them is hurting the relationship, so if they continue to stay he's risking THERE WILL BE no relationship in the future. AND they will be moved out.

 

So if he wants the parents in your/the kids' lives in the future, he needs to man up now. You are the one there the most with them, right, not him? So you get to make this call. (actually, I think you get to make it regardless)

 

Does he know what the term Cut The Apron Strings means? The Umbilical Cord? Tell him you WANT to have a relationship with your in-laws, but that status is becoming severely jeopardized by the current situation.

 

It's biblical. Cleave, cleave, cleave.

 

Cleave to your wife. And, ahem, cleave that umbilical cord!

 

Good luck...I know all this is easier said than done.

 

:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

Ok, I think everyone is right when they say that you should call and arrange for full-service movers to come in and take care of the immediate problem.

 

I guess where my advice would stray a bit, is that I would *not* have any confrontation, and I wouldn't even discuss the problems with my dh any more (for the present time). In fact, I'd become as sticky, syrupy sweet as was in my means to do so. I'd continue to move the plan along full-force, all the while smiling, nodding, and passing the bean dip. I'd especially schmooze my dh, and I'd make darn sure that his mind (and, er, everything else) was focused on how happy I was making him. It will help soothe the immediate sting that he feels in having his parents leave, and he will probably feel more secure knowing that your marriage is the place he can go for comfort. Notice I said that all of this happens *while you're still calmly and sweetly doing what it takes to get them OUT*.

 

After the immediate need is taken care of (getting the in-laws out of your house), then, and only then, I' gently start to deal with the larger issue of "boundaries". That would be the time, imo, to seek some additional counseling with your dh. You'll never be able to change the in-laws. That's a losing battle. All that you can do is try to make your marriage stronger and more valuable to your dh than the occasional manipulation by his mother.

 

Now, some people would probably view this as yet another manipulation of your dh. In my case, it would not be, because I honestly love my dh and want to see him happy. Emphasizing how happy I can make him is not a negative thing, imo, as long as it's really heartfelt. If you love your dh, be his sweetie, help him get through what is (for him) a traumatic event, and *then* try to deal with the underlying problem.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Take the high road, sweetie!

[JVA]

{hugs}

 

Have you read the book Boundaries? It is Christian, but is is a very good resource for situations like the one you describe.

 

:iagree::iagree: Can't agree MORE. It is your dh that needs to grow a pair and get his parents OUT. He is enabling them and forcing you to be the 'bad guy'. Not fair.

 

Hope it improves soon. Haul him to a counselor so he can hear from someone else that he is part of a co-dependent relationship. So sorry you're having to go thru this. :grouphug:

[JVA]

Another helpful book (written by the same authors) is The Mom Book. It describes different mothering personalities and gives you tools to work with them. It help me know how to work with my cold, detached 'mother'. They have the narcissist and china doll mother....quite interesting. Sounds like your dh needs an education about all this.

[Harriet Vane]

STOP, absolutely, under NO circumstances should you send it. There is NO "shred of reason" within her, and she will NOT hire movers of her own volition. no matter what you say, it WILL be used against you. I guarantee she will immediately take it to your husband and complain about "your lies and slander". He doesn't stand up to her already, this will make it worse. by using "your perspective" of how she adversly affects him, you are setting yourself up as the problem. This woman will destroy your marriage. (and your family. if she stays, your children will be more likely to connect with highly manipulative people.)

 

You need to be *much* more matter of fact and pre-emptive. Just announce since it is so hard for her to pack and move, you are helping her by hiring movers to help her this week and they will pack and move and she wont' have to worry about it. becasue after all, she is just so upset about what's invovled with moving and you want things to be as easy for her as they can. put the onus on HER.

 

:iagree: