BMW Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 So, we got to talking about how we say we are "just fine" when asked... Does anyone relate to being a "strong" person because that's what you "have" to do? You see, I've had to "suck it up" over and over in life. I learned to just keep getting up and moving forward. Somewhere, in those lessons, though, I kept putting on the smiley face and acting stoic, so to speak. Yet, all the while hurting on the inside. I think, as a parent, I have had to hide the hurt numerous times because adult burdens are not to be shared with the young ones, you know. But, as said, it becomes a life habit... Many people who know me IRL will say how strong I am. How much I have overcome or done. But, I feel like there was no other choice... and on the inside I was hurting... a lot. Anyone relate? (Now, I'm not threatening, or anything, but if this gets zero replies, my esteem is going to nose-dive... no pressure... but, I sure hope someone out there relates.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I relate... My mom was (still is) a single parent, and she taught me that you can get through whatever you have to get through. What's the alternative? I mean, you can't just give up, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) Absolutely. There are very few people in my RL that I would tell if I were having a problem, health or emotional. I don't ask for help. I give help. Edited March 4, 2011 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 So, we got to talking about how we say we are "just fine" when asked... Does anyone relate to being a "strong" person because that's what you "have" to do? You see, I've had to "suck it up" over and over in life. I learned to just keep getting up and moving forward. Somewhere, in those lessons, though, I kept putting on the smiley face and acting stoic, so to speak. Yet, all the while hurting on the inside. I think, as a parent, I have had to hide the hurt numerous times because adult burdens are not to be shared with the young ones, you know. But, as said, it becomes a life habit... Many people who know me IRL will say how strong I am. How much I have overcome or done. But, I feel like there was no other choice... and on the inside I was hurting... a lot. Anyone relate? (Now, I'm not threatening, or anything, but if this gets zero replies, my esteem is going to nose-dive... no pressure... but, I sure hope someone out there relates.) Yes. The whole "hello-how-are-you-I'm-fine-thank-you" bit drives me a little crazy because most of the time it's a lie. I don't ask people how they are; I say hello, and compliment them on something. It usually starts the conversation off nicely. :001_smile: I'm also learning to be honest when people say "how-are-you" to me. Brief, but honest. I figure if they don't really want to know, they'll stop asking! Pain is too big to be kept in - for the most part I deal with it my talking or writing it out. My whole life - my ability to relate to people and do what needs doing - is stifled and stunted when I'm hurting, so it's needful to deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Yup. However I think my ds gets the situations we've been in. By the fact dh and I can be emotional about things and the fact ds is here all the time, we've been more transparent. Ds has been able to handle it. I think he is mature and wise beyond his years. We talk through many difficult subjects with him. The hardest thing is those days I want to give up. I want ds to know that we are not quitters and we will persevere, that keeps me going on some days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ncmomo3 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Yep. Just I deal with it. I would never ask for help nor show a crack in the armour. Never. I have come to the conclusion that it is a serious character flaw that needs attention. It would break my heart if my children felt they were unable to come to me for assistance because they felt they just had to deal and get through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I can relate, for sure. When asked how I am I usually reply, "Tomorrow will be a better day." No need to lie but I don't have to spill my guts either. I just deal better with obstacles on my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 As a pastor's wife I was told, "People want to know you are real, they just don't want to see you bleed." :glare: It was a very difficult. You feel like (and experience) your weakness become doors through which others hurt you. It took me a long time to find and value 1. forums ;), and 2. safe people. I understand your pain. :grouphug:'s Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I suck it up and keep going too. I am "fine" :001_smile: whenever asked. However, I did go through an incredibly stressful period about a year ago and for the first time ever I opened up to a couple of friends. I've never done that before. But I honestly thought that I was going to explode. I'd never felt the despair and hopelessness and yuck to that degree before and I just knew that I was going to crack. So I let a couple people in and was able to be "fine" :001_smile: to everyone else. I sure don't think we need to unload on every person who uses "how are you?" as a greeting. But it's good to have someone who you can share the stuff that's "not fine". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Yep, especially with dd4. People say all kinds of nice things to me when they find out she was foster/adopt and is my great niece. But, sometimes on the inside I am just screaming about how hard it really is and that when nice friends say "It must be so hard, I couldn't do it." I am thinking...."yep, there are many days when I wonder why we did this", and knowing that I don't deal with it so great myself some days!....but on the outside I say "we just do the best we can" :) with a fake little smile, clenching my teeth so I don't scream out the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 [quote=BMW;2489073 Anyone relate? Are you serious? You are asking a board of homeschooling parents if they can suck it up? :lol: I think a working definition of maturity is knowing how to suck it up. I think that's what we're telling the kids when we say, "No whining!" Still, as many have mentioned, knowing when and how to lay down the burden is just as important. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Yes. The whole "hello-how-are-you-I'm-fine-thank-you" bit drives me a little crazy because most of the time it's a lie. I don't ask people how they are; I say hello, and compliment them on something. It usually starts the conversation off nicely. :001_smile: I'm also learning to be honest when people say "how-are-you" to me. Brief, but honest. I figure if they don't really want to know, they'll stop asking! Pain is too big to be kept in - for the most part I deal with it my talking or writing it out. My whole life - my ability to relate to people and do what needs doing - is stifled and stunted when I'm hurting, so it's needful to deal with it. I saw an adult cousin (as in, my mom's age) recently, & asked how she was doing. It was sincere--w/ me, it always is. She said "fine" but was clearly not. When I asked what was the matter--this doesn't translate into print well--I can "see" people, if that makes sense--she turned & walked away as fast as you can w/out running. So the fakeness? It can totally go both ways. I didn't mean to scare her off. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*~Tina~* Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 So, we got to talking about how we say we are "just fine" when asked... Does anyone relate to being a "strong" person because that's what you "have" to do? You see, I've had to "suck it up" over and over in life. I learned to just keep getting up and moving forward. Somewhere, in those lessons, though, I kept putting on the smiley face and acting stoic, so to speak. Yet, all the while hurting on the inside. I think, as a parent, I have had to hide the hurt numerous times because adult burdens are not to be shared with the young ones, you know. But, as said, it becomes a life habit... Many people who know me IRL will say how strong I am. How much I have overcome or done. But, I feel like there was no other choice... and on the inside I was hurting... a lot. Anyone relate? (Now, I'm not threatening, or anything, but if this gets zero replies, my esteem is going to nose-dive... no pressure... but, I sure hope someone out there relates.) Yes, totally! And on rare occasion when I've allowed myself to slip into a moment of vulnerability, I almost always regret it. (usually with someone's help!) I generally stay in that place of feeling like there is no other choice but to be strong and forge ahead. It's both a vice and a virture. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks.... Do any of you who are relating... not allow yourself to "feel" as much? I didn't realize how much I stop myself from "feeling" things because I don't want to hurt and I have had to "be strong". I worked with my therapist on this several months back... I honestly had no idea that I was blocking my feelings. I also hate crying. I try not to cry at all in front of anyone, although I do occasionally have a tear or two slip... I know some parts of this, like just about anything we go to an extreme on, can be unhealthy. For me, I can talk and talk to a few people who are close to me... so, I don't keep it all bottled up... But, I block my feelings a good bit of the time. My grandmother was very much the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogMom5 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Yes. A former roommate used to say, "Everyone has five minutes to wallow. After that, get over yourself!" Another roommate said, "My problems are worse than yours because their mine. Your problems are worse than mine because they're yours." I guess I try to live by these statements. There is always someone who has it worse than me and life won't get any better if I sit around and feel sorry for myself. So I just keep moving forward and protecting my kids from most of my family members. Sometimes things get to be too much though. Dh helps a lot. He's the only person who has shown genuine concern for my emotional well-being. Still, I try not to burden him. Prayer helps a lot. It keeps me sane. Ok, this is sad. I have to go find some funny posts to cheer me up! Blessings and prayers to all of you.:grouphug: Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Aw! I didn't mean for this to have sad tones... more of a sit and reflect... On a positive note, I think that being strong can be a great asset. When there are emergencies, I do not waver, I do not get upset... I ask myself, "What should I be doing?" I've often been told that I'd be a fabulous nurse, because I don't get shaken easily and I can handle a lot. So, this doesn't have to be a downer thread!!! :001_smile: C'mon, smile with me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Growing up, I was required to be the parent. I had to police my parents' fights. At the age of 10, my mother decided I should have to raise my sisters. I kept the family going. I kept the finances in check. I had to be strong for everyone else. I had to convince my mom not to kill herself whenever (fill-in-the-blank) happened. I could go on, but I "have to be strong". Then I married a Sailor. Again, I had to keep it together while he was gone. I have to be the glue. My friends have always looked at me as the strong one. I actually had another Navy wife tell me deployment would be harder for her than me because I was just so strong. I was the glue that held my group of friends together during deployments. I put on a big old fake smile and just kept swimming. Sometimes I don't want to be the glue. Sometimes I just want to scream and let people take care of me. Sometimes I look at other people who have their parents or husbands take care of their every need/whim and I want to be like them. I also want to tell those people to quit their b****ing and deal. It's really hard sometimes. While I want to have feelings for people (and often I really can empathize with others), I just don't really know how to care sometimes, at least not as much as others do. I've had to be tough. I've had to shut down my emotions just to get by. I've had to bite my tongue to "be polite and strong" for so long I forget how to stand up for myself. I turned 30 last year. I think I've finally reached the point where I value honesty. I'm starting to get real with myself and others. I'm trying to care more. It will be a long road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks.... Do any of you who are relating... not allow yourself to "feel" as much? I didn't realize how much I stop myself from "feeling" things because I don't want to hurt and I have had to "be strong". I worked with my therapist on this several months back... I honestly had no idea that I was blocking my feelings. I also hate crying. I try not to cry at all in front of anyone, although I do occasionally have a tear or two slip... I know some parts of this, like just about anything we go to an extreme on, can be unhealthy. For me, I can talk and talk to a few people who are close to me... so, I don't keep it all bottled up... But, I block my feelings a good bit of the time. My grandmother was very much the same way. I relate. I don't think I stop myself from feeling, so much as I might delay it. By all means I would never begrudge someone their 5 minutes of tears on their dh/mom/friend/pillow. I don't so much hate crying itself as I hate the uselessness of it. People have tried to convince me there is a use, but I just haven't felt it much. It is exhausting, depressing, and ineffective. So I will walk off to take a few. I'm actually a rather sentimental person some times. But life goes on. Tears won't fix a marriage/parenting problem. It won't add money to the bank account or heal illness or make dinner. So I might go cry, in private, for a few, then it's time to get on with life and DO something to change the situation or help cope with it. The alternative is just not an option. Wallowing is, to ME, a selfish indulgence I don't have the right to make my husband and children pay the price for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I think by being "strong" all the time and refusing help, you are denying people an opportunity to be compassionate and caring. I know what Simka means, about being human but not "bleeding." Very few people want to either deal with a "messy" person or see themselves as one. It is ugly, and ugly don't work none in our society. Getting down in the ditch with the beaten one and giving help is somehow more noble and more desirable than admitting you are the beaten one and gifting someone with the chance to be Christ to you. I don't think it should be. I have been at the point where I was so anxious, I couldn't even feel the anxiety. But "numb and dumb" is not strong in my book. It takes an awful lot of strength to admit to powerlessness. But then you DO go on. You DO rise up. Somehow we've gotten the message that we have to pick ourselves up, that only self-sufficiency counts as strength. I think it's better to allow people close enough to help us rise, to lift us up, if we need it--to not be too proud to be vulnerable. That's my two cents for the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Aw! I didn't mean for this to have sad tones... more of a sit and reflect... On a positive note, I think that being strong can be a great asset. When there are emergencies, I do not waver, I do not get upset... I ask myself, "What should I be doing?" I've often been told that I'd be a fabulous nurse, because I don't get shaken easily and I can handle a lot. So, this doesn't have to be a downer thread!!! :001_smile: C'mon, smile with me! You are right! It really can be an asset. Thanks for putting a positive spin on this.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 So, we got to talking about how we say we are "just fine" when asked... Does anyone relate to being a "strong" person because that's what you "have" to do? You see, I've had to "suck it up" over and over in life. I learned to just keep getting up and moving forward. Somewhere, in those lessons, though, I kept putting on the smiley face and acting stoic, so to speak. Yet, all the while hurting on the inside. I think, as a parent, I have had to hide the hurt numerous times because adult burdens are not to be shared with the young ones, you know. But, as said, it becomes a life habit... Many people who know me IRL will say how strong I am. How much I have overcome or done. But, I feel like there was no other choice... and on the inside I was hurting... a lot. Anyone relate? (Now, I'm not threatening, or anything, but if this gets zero replies, my esteem is going to nose-dive... no pressure... but, I sure hope someone out there relates.) I completely relate. I am the same way. My sister has commented on how she wishes she could hold it together like I do. :glare: If she only new. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 thank you for admitting this and putting it out there. Yes, I COMPLETELY relate but I'm not as good at keeping it all from my kids. My parents never really talked about things and I probably talk too much. They hound me to no end if I'm upset and not sharing why.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Yep, especially with dd4. People say all kinds of nice things to me when they find out she was foster/adopt and is my great niece. But, sometimes on the inside I am just screaming about how hard it really is and that when nice friends say "It must be so hard, I couldn't do it." I am thinking...."yep, there are many days when I wonder why we did this", and knowing that I don't deal with it so great myself some days!....but on the outside I say "we just do the best we can" :) with a fake little smile, clenching my teeth so I don't scream out the truth. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I don't even have to tell you how much I understand, my friend.....:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks.... Do any of you who are relating... not allow yourself to "feel" as much? I didn't realize how much I stop myself from "feeling" things because I don't want to hurt and I have had to "be strong". I worked with my therapist on this several months back... I honestly had no idea that I was blocking my feelings. I also hate crying. I try not to cry at all in front of anyone, although I do occasionally have a tear or two slip... I know some parts of this, like just about anything we go to an extreme on, can be unhealthy. For me, I can talk and talk to a few people who are close to me... so, I don't keep it all bottled up... But, I block my feelings a good bit of the time. My grandmother was very much the same way. I've been there recently. I'm a very sensitive, emotional person anyway but lately I've been shutting down as a safety mode. Now I've been sick for a week, not sleeping, unable to rest and I spent the better part of yesterday crying and listening to songs about persevering. I don't want to talk to my mother because she can read me like a book, dh is too stressed, ds is trying to find his normal since we've moved. I had a nice chat with a friend yesterday that lifted my spirits and today is a new day, sort of. I feel like the little engine that could lately. I just hope the track doesn't stop right before a bridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) I can relate to having to suck it up. People tell me how much they admire me for bearing with my chronic pain all the time. And I think, "Are you kidding me? I don't really have a choice here!" But at the same time, I am a "heart on my sleeves" kind of person. I cry easily when I am sad. It's kind of embarrassing sometimes but it's just the way it is. So people often do know how I am feeling inside even if I don't always choose to tell them every detail about it. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. When I was r*ped and was getting nightly death threats, I was (to make an understatement) at a low point in my life. God did give me people who I could be real with. I cried with them but I did not expect them to bear my emotional burden. No one else is really able to understand what I am going through at any given point in time, except for God. He is the one that I really lean on. Sometimes I do share my burdens with other people but it is more in a thinking aloud, trying to come up with a plan to deal with it sort of way. Edited March 5, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I am, in general, a very positive, energetic, jolly, person. I'm what you'd call "bubbly" pretty much all the time. My son calls me "the happiest person on the face of the earth." And in general, this is the real me. The problem comes when I am having a problem. If I feel down about something, it throws my whole family off. They need me to be the happy me. It's a lot of pressure. I won't go so far as to say my "happy face" is fake. It's not. I love to smile and laugh and be the one to bring others up. I love it. I see the glass always half full. I can put a positive spin on anything. I can go with the flow. But I can't do it ALL. THE. TIME. and sometimes I do have to, even when I'm not up for it because it is so expected. It's actually really hard on my family for happy mom to be unhappy. They think the world is coming to an end if I don't bounce up and do a happy dance daily. God forbid if I ever get depressed - they might just all kill themselves. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I relate... My mom was (still is) a single parent, and she taught me that you can get through whatever you have to get through. What's the alternative? I mean, you can't just give up, right? This would be me and dh with our children. I'm not a single parent, but both of my children are on the Autism spectrum. It is SO FREAKING HARD, but we have to do it. There's no alternative. I love them to death and I've learned to laugh A LOT in order to not be crying all the time, but I don't think people who know me, who have typical kids, really have any clue how difficult our situation really is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I can relate to having to suck it up. People tell me how much they admire me for bearing with my chronic pain all the time. And I think, "Are you kidding me? I don't really have a choice here!" But at the same time, I am a "heart on my sleeves" kind of person. I cry easily when I am sad. It's kind of embarrassing sometimes but it's just the way it is. So people often do know how I am feeling inside even if I don't always choose to tell them every detail about it. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. When I was r*ped and was getting nightly death threats, I was (to make an understatement) at a low point in my life. God did give me people who I could be real with. I cried with them but I did not expect them to bear my emotional burden. No one else is really able to understand what I am going through at any given point in time, except for God. He is the one that I really lean on. Sometimes I do share my burdens with other people but it is more in a thinking aloud, trying to come up with a plan to deal with it sort of way. Oh my gosh, Jean! I had no idea. I'm so so sorry! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: For the record, I would agree that you are indeed a VERY strong woman. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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