S/O husband thread: Why? Hivemen, feel free to help us out

[LG Gone Wild]

I find most modern men to be lazy. That is work for them is only from 8-5. No, it's not. Work is from sun up to sun down just like housewife's hours.

[LazyDazy]

Okay here's my take on this issue. My hubby could do housework but he doesn't have to cuz I'm here to do it for him and I could go out and get a job but I don't cuz my hubby does it for me. Both of us do important parts to make our family life work. It might be very 1950's but it works for us and we are both happy. It's all about expectations.

 

ETA: I have friends who tell me I am ultra-low maintenance so it could just be my weird quirk!

Edited February 14, 2011 by LazyDazy

[Rosie_0801]

Okay here's my take on this issue. My hubby could do housework but he doesn't have to cuz I'm here to do it for him and I could go out and get a job but I don't cuz my hubby does it for me. Both of us do important parts to make our family life work. It might be very 1950's but it works for us and we are both happy. It's all about expectations.

 

I don't think anyone is complaining about taking responsibility for the bulk of housework. I think anyone who stays at home expects to be doing those things. What I think is bothering us stay-at-home types is that we don't think we should be responsible for the sorts of things an adult should take care of for themselves.

 

I assume you think it is your responsibility to do the vacuuming unless you've specifically asked your dh to take care of it for some reason and he has said he will? Do you think it is your responsibility to make sure the shower has been turned off properly after he's been in there?

 

Rosie

[joannqn]

My DH's answer: Sometimes they just want to be respected enough to be asked, especially if the wife is the kind that hints rather than asks.

 

When I described the attitude of some husband's described here, he said that some men are just jerks.

 

 

BTW, mine does help. He does the dishes every night, takes out the garbage, and will do any task I ask him to. He changes diapers more than I do, I think. He takes my son to three taekwondo classes a week and runs errands for me often. Generally, he prefers to be asked with a please and a time frame that it needs to be done in. That way he knows if he needs to stop what he's doing to do it right now, fit it into his schedule by a certain time, or do it when he has the chance. He's generally pretty good about getting the stuff done but needs a reminder sometimes if he gets busy and forgets. He doesn't see the reminder as nagging.

[Meriwether]

Okay here's my take on this issue. My hubby could do housework but he doesn't have to cuz I'm here to do it for him and I could go out and get a job but I don't cuz my hubby does it for me. Both of us do important parts to make our family life work. It might be very 1950's but it works for us and we are both happy. It's all about expectations.

 

ETA: I have friends who tell me I am ultra-low maintenance so it could just be my weird quirk!

 

 

I don't mind being responsible for housework. The problem I have is when he thinks an eight hour day at the office is equivalent to a 16 hour day at home. If I am getting up at night with the baby, start working with breakfast, and work through supper, then look around and see more stuff to get done than I can get done in an evening and Dh is watching TV every evening, all evening, I've got a problem with that. Since the baby was born, I have spent exactly 4 hours away from the children. I've got a problem with that.

 

My time and energy are finite. To me it is just as disrespectful for a husband to take a stack of clean folded kitchen towels and put them in a dirty firewood box so he can lie down on the couch as it is for a wife to spend so much money that the husband has to get a second job. But maybe that's just me. Both cause extra, needless work.

 

At this moment my Dh has the older three kids at a lesson while I am sitting here at the computer with the baby. When he gets back I'm going to leave him with all 4 kids and go to my 2nd ever TKD lesson. I fully expect him to put the kids to bed while I am gone, so it isn't like he does nothing. But our workload is not anywhere near equitable. My consolation is that when the kids are older, I'll still be home with them but we won't have the constant messes, potty training, etc, and they will be much more helpful. Then I will be the one with the light workload.

[Peela]

Lol, I notice the Hivemen have stayed well away from this thread. Probably very wise too :)

[Parrothead]

Lol, I notice the Hivemen have stayed well away from this thread. Probably very wise too :)

Yeah, geez what's up with that? I can understand why Reg doesn't speak up since Momsinthegarden is a member. Makes weird sense to me. But I'm trying to get into the mind of a man, a man should let us pick his brain. Come on Bill be brave. pqr? Barry?

 

Maybe it is something in the Guyble that says, "Thou shalt not let woman in on the secret."

[Barry Goldwater]

Lol, I notice the Hivemen have stayed well away from this thread. Probably very wise too :)

 

Well...the OP asked for help...my thoughts on the question, and on many of the comments...are not likely to be so...helpful...:)

Edited February 15, 2011 by Barry Goldwater

[Meriwether]

Hire someone to do it. Or yeah, I'd stay at mom's. I don't repair stuff. I don't paint. I do not move heavy stuff.

 

I'm afraid I painted too harsh a picture earlier. Dh's company pays for movers to box up most things and move us. I was mostly rearranging the furniture since all the biggest pieces were in the right rooms. I pushed heavy furniture around, but I wasn't loading it into a truck. I hauled a lot of goods/boxes up and down the steps, but if it was really heavy, I would unpack a box and make several trips. It is just a sore spot, because I felt most evenings that it was hard on my pregnant tummy.

 

I couldn't actually go to my mom's because I'm afraid that it would end up being a very looong stay if I waited for Dh to unpack boxes.:tongue_smilie:

[Parrothead]

I think the problem around here is that dh was trained to be obedient, not to take responsibility.

This could be "the thing." Oh, yeah, he was trained to be obedient. Something to ponder. Thanks, Rosie.

[justamouse]

My MIL loves by serving.

 

She will have worked all day, cooked a four course meal and then, when she was done washing dishes, she would ask if she could cut you up some melon.

 

Her children were asked to do NOTHING.

 

Knowing that, and accepting that, I have decided to train by boys to see the mess and clean it up and be responsible for their own messes.

 

That said, he is *meticulous* with the cars and would never ever think of putting me behind the wheel of one that was unsafe or not maintained. He doesn't do work on the house (He sweetly tried to caulk once. It's not his gifting, really. Trust me.), but he writes the checks when they're needed and I've never had to say boo about it.

 

My mother has it much worse than I do. Yes, my Step dad does dishes, does laundry, cleans up after himself-but they haven't had a master bath for 7 years because he *had* to do it himself and well, then the downstairs needed to be refloored, and he bought a harley, and so forth and so on...

 

I tell my mom, I used to think that's what I wanted-a guy who could do it all, but you know what? I'm so happy my Dh writes the checks. And now that the kids are older, and taught to clean up after themselves, all I really do for is he and I. I mean, yes, I vacuum the house, food shop, cook and do the laundry, but that's about it. The kids clean up after themselves.

Edited February 15, 2011 by justamouse

[Parrothead]

The thing that bothers me about the "have your kid(s)" help out more or do the cleaning is dd is 11. She shouldn't have to scrub the scuff marks from dh's boots off the kitchen floor any more than I should. She and I shouldn't be the only two people in the house cleaning the toilet.

 

All this does is reinforce "woman's work" and "doing for" a man.

[Spy Car]

I might have jumped in earlier to help...but I failed to notice that this thread was in need of attention :D

 

Bill

[texasmama]

I might have jumped in earlier to help...but I failed to notice that this thread was in need of attention :D

 

Bill

 

:lol: (We did ask for that.:tongue_smilie:)

[GWOB]

I might have jumped in earlier to help...but I failed to notice that this thread was in need of attention :D

 

Bill

 

I was waiting for one of the guys to chime in with this.:tongue_smilie:

[saw]

The thing that bothers me about the "have your kid(s)" help out more or do the cleaning is dd is 11. She shouldn't have to scrub the scuff marks from dh's boots off the kitchen floor any more than I should. She and I shouldn't be the only two people in the house cleaning the toilet.

 

All this does is reinforce "woman's work" and "doing for" a man.

 

It is kind of nice to know that my dds and I are not alone in this! The thing that bothers me is that my dh was in college and law school the guy who took women's studies classes and was very pro-equity for women etc. This is the same guy who won't put his dirty plate in the dishwasher. Well, he would if this were class in feminist theory.

[RoughCollie]

I don't have a problem with doing the housework myself. It might be because I'm older than a lot of you, and was raised that way??

 

I was raised that way too, and I don't have a problem with *that*.

 

That DH doesn't do the man's jobs bothers me, because then I have to do them. I don't know how, so I have to get a book and/or a video and teach it to myself. Later on, I have to teach these things to the kids. It drives me nuts. I think if we don't have the money to hire it done, then DH should be the one who learns how to do it and then do the work himself.

 

The man jobs include home maintenance and repair and yard work, and taking care of fireplaces, pellet stoves, dead mice, and the like.

 

Beyond that, I think everyone who is old enough should pick up after themselves. I think that she who cooks dinner should not have to clean the kitchen afterward. There is no way that I am ever going to take out the garbage. That is a man's job (or DD's), unless and until I live alone and it is unavoidable.

 

All of that is pretty much a traditional breakdown of labor where I'm from, for SAHMs and fathers who work outside the home.

 

My boys know how to do everything, and so does DD.

[fairfarmhand]

I suppose I am fortunate in that my dh considers anyone who has hands in the house able to work. He does know that I work hard and he appreciates it. One way he shows his appreciation is by putting his dishes away and not leaving his junk all over.

 

However.

 

I have learned that some thing annoy him more than others. IF the floor is picked up but needs to be vacuumed..."Why does this place look like a dump?" Yet, the counters, tabletops and beds can be stacked to the ceiling and the sink full of dished. The only thing he sees is the dirty floor :tongue_smilie:

 

For me, the floor can be so messy I have to wear stilts, but If the surfaces are cluttered I cannot stand it.

 

So we've worked out a good compromise.. I am the countertop Nazi and he is the floor Nazi.

 

Typically this comes up when we both have different priorities...He gets annoyed if the house is clean but the outside work is not done. For me it is just that I cannot stand to come in from outside, dirty and tired and STILL have supper to cook dishes to wash and mess to clean up. So I work on the house for a bit and then go out. Then even if I am not done with outside chores I could come in at supper time and never go back out.

 

It drives him crazy.

[fairfarmhand]

My husband actually helps out a ton when I'm sick but rarely without my having to tell him what needs doing...

 

1. Beyond making sure the kids are fed, he really just doesn't know what gets done. He has his list of things he does at work. He does them every day & he does them well. If he had to do my job every single day, he'd be great at it but he'd have to learn it. LOL.

 

2. He IS a detail man just sometimes with the wrong details. So when I'm sick, he'll spend an hour fixing the leaky toilet because it was making noise and might be keeping me awake. Meantime the kids are arguing and running through the house KEEPING me awake. LOL. He thought he was helping me. It's cute.

 

3. Stuff just doesn't bother him as much as it does me. When I'm stressed I want everything perfectly clean and in its place. When he is stressed, he wants to play. HUGE DIFFERENCE in how we respond to stress and that can create conflict. He just wants me to forget about the house and go to the park because he knows we'll be in a better mood when we get back. I want him to help me get the house clean because I know it is still going to be here when we get back.

 

I have bronchitis right now. The house is a mess but the kids got fed last night and Jon played a monster long game of Monopoly with them. Do I wish the laundry wasn't piling up and the dishes were all clean? Sure. But at least the kids are covered. He would do the dishes and the laundry if I asked him but why take him away from the game with the kids? Laundry and dishes are always there. Hey, I think after 16 years of marriage he might be wearing off on me or I'm just that sick. :D

 

Are we married to brothers separated at birth?

[forty-two]

I don't think anyone is complaining about taking responsibility for the bulk of housework. I think anyone who stays at home expects to be doing those things. What I think is bothering us stay-at-home types is that we don't think we should be responsible for the sorts of things an adult should take care of for themselves.

 

I assume you think it is your responsibility to do the vacuuming unless you've specifically asked your dh to take care of it for some reason and he has said he will? Do you think it is your responsibility to make sure the shower has been turned off properly after he's been in there?

 

Rosie

 

No, I don't think it's my responsibility to check the shower or such things :001_huh:. *But* if I knew that dh always forgot to do that himself, I'd probably start asking him after every shower if *he* had done so, and if he hadn't or couldn't remember, ask *him* to go check. CM habit training, basically ;). My dh has a few of those areas that he just doesn't remember - but I don't take responsibility so much as help him in taking responsibility. I guess I see a difference b/w being unable to notice things, and being unwilling to do something about them once prompted to notice.

 

But if upon being asked to do 'x' dh said or implied that he didn't think he should *have* to (and it's happened a few times), well, then there's a wee explosion ;). And we discuss it - and so far dh has always come to understand and agree with my pov (genuinely, not just to get me off his back ;) - dh is incapable of pretending to agree, he just. won't. do. it. - even when it would be pragmatically in his favor). He just needs some help in carrying it out.

[Melissa in Australia]

I haven't read all the posts, sorry.

I "fail" to notice things back. My DH leaves his coffee cups all over the property, just about every post around the whole 5 acres has a cup sitting on it. ds6 jokes that dad has planted them to see if they will grow. I refuse to let it bug me. and I also "fail ' to see them when I walk past. I keep a hidden few cups for visitors, other than that, when he runs out of mugs, he goes and collects them himself.

Other than that If I have something that needs fixing, I put it right in the doorway so he trips over it, he can't fail to see it then.

All the housework I have taken as my responsibility, and my Dh has taken on the responsibility of things out of the house. It works well for us, we both realize that we need our own area.

[mom32boys]

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best housekeeper - my mom always did everything, so I never really had too. It's been a real struggle for me - I'm probably ADD inattentive - definitely a "messy".

In our household dh is just as bad, if not worse than I am - when stuff doesn't get done, it bothers me greatly, but doesn't bother him at all.

The problem in our house: my dh works 3- 12 hour shifts per week, 2 of which are every Saturday and Sunday (he chose that schedule) - so he is home most of the week! I try to homeschool 4 days per week so we have Fridays off (homeschooling Saturdays when he's at work just doesn't work for me).

Since he's home so much, I've started thinking that I really need to talk with him about us splitting household chores down the middle. It's not really fair that I have responsibility for homeschooling and most household chores when he's home 4 days of the school week.

He'll probably agree to helping out more (then forget to do it :)). Oh well!!

 

Julie

[silliness7]

I find most modern men to be lazy. That is work for them is only from 8-5. No, it's not. Work is from sun up to sun down just like housewife's hours.

 

:iagree: This is my pet peeve. I don't get off at 5 and neither should he.

[Peela]

I find most modern men to be lazy. That is work for them is only from 8-5. No, it's not. Work is from sun up to sun down just like housewife's hours.

 

 

Although my hours are spread over the day, even when homeschooling I had plenty of breaks and free time It only takes me an hour to do a basically House Blessing (vacuum and tidy), an hour to cook the mail meal at most, and maybe another hour to do various bits an pieces- laundry and dishes etc.

I have been very assertive when I needed a break and wasn't getting it- mainly when the kids were little- but I do not see myself as working from sun up to sun down at all and havent for years. Its a cruisy life full of both work and play, even when homeschooling. Of course I had 2 kids, no babies after that etc. But I do not identify with the overworked housewife at all.

[kalanamak]

I've got one of those that can't/won't see certain things around the house that desperately need pretty immediate attention. I don't understand it. It baffles me to no end. I wonder if it is one of those Bill Cosby things - if I ignore it or do it badly I'll never have to do it.

 

Finding the answer to the question of why may save my marriage. Right now this is a big cloud over us. It started about 5 years ago when I got sick. The dynamic changed. The last three years have been especially bad.

 

So in general why don't men see what needs doing?

 

For my hubby, it is low standards. For my ex, well, he saw what needed to be done and did it, including dishes. For my old boyfriend of many years, and I quote: "It isn't women's work, but it sure ain't mine." He was out to out wait me. He did. (I pity his wife, for this, as well as the fact he looks HORrid bald (not all men do, I know, I know, I'm not bald-in-general bashing).)

[Mom0012]

Okay here's my take on this issue. My hubby could do housework but he doesn't have to cuz I'm here to do it for him and I could go out and get a job but I don't cuz my hubby does it for me. Both of us do important parts to make our family life work. It might be very 1950's but it works for us and we are both happy. It's all about expectations.

 

ETA: I have friends who tell me I am ultra-low maintenance so it could just be my weird quirk!

 

I do agree with this to a degree. There are certain things, though, like throwing clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper that just show a lack of respect.

 

Also, while I am very happy to take care of homeschooling, the housework, carting kids to activities, meal planning, shopping, cooking, the bills, taxes and all other administrative duties, I am NOT mowing the lawn or repairing the porch!

 

Lisa

[Jean in Newcastle]

Although my hours are spread over the day, even when homeschooling I had plenty of breaks and free time It only takes me an hour to do a basically House Blessing (vacuum and tidy), an hour to cook the mail meal at most, and maybe another hour to do various bits an pieces- laundry and dishes etc.

I have been very assertive when I needed a break and wasn't getting it- mainly when the kids were little- but I do not see myself as working from sun up to sun down at all and havent for years. Its a cruisy life full of both work and play, even when homeschooling. Of course I had 2 kids, no babies after that etc. But I do not identify with the overworked housewife at all.

 

:iagree: My dh works so hard at his job that he often barely gets time to eat. He does get the mandated breaks but honestly I get a lot more than the government mandates. I looked this up. Did you know that the US federal government does not require that you get breaks even for a meal? It is the States that have laws on this. My state only requires a 10 min. break for every 4 hours worked. State law only mandates 30 min. for lunch. Even when I had babies and toddlers I still got more breaks than this. And as a SAHM, I have a lot of choice in how busy I am. (That doesn't mean that I was not tired and stressed at times. But a lot of that was due to my health and to my system of tackling things.)

[fairfarmhand]

Although my hours are spread over the day, even when homeschooling I had plenty of breaks and free time It only takes me an hour to do a basically House Blessing (vacuum and tidy), an hour to cook the mail meal at most, and maybe another hour to do various bits an pieces- laundry and dishes etc.

I have been very assertive when I needed a break and wasn't getting it- mainly when the kids were little- but I do not see myself as working from sun up to sun down at all and havent for years. Its a cruisy life full of both work and play, even when homeschooling. Of course I had 2 kids, no babies after that etc. But I do not identify with the overworked housewife at all.

:iagree: