cseitter Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 My DS is in 9th grade. I HS'd him last year and started to this year and I scared the daylights out of him with TOG. It was completely my fault and he decided to go back to PS to play sports which he did. He played football and had a terrible time. And made the 9th grade BB team and the coach was a complete jerk and he refuses to EVER play for that coach again. That coach is talking about moving up to coach JV next year. Anyway, Tanner is being bullyed at school pretty bad. Spitballs during class, kids shoving him into corners, called him names like leprechan (he is only 5'4 with a growth disorder). It ticks me off to no end and we have talked to him about going to the guidance office as the head guidance counsleor is also the bishop at our church. But Tanner is scared of being beat up or it getting worse. I would LOVE to bring him home now but we made an agreement at the beginning of the year that he would finish out this year no matter where he chose (HS or PS). He is talking quite a bit about coming home next year but how do I convince him? SOrry for the long post and thanks for listening... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) I think I would just be direct and ask him, "In light of how you are being treated at school, what if we made an exception to our original agreement and returned to homeschooling now?". See what he says, but be prepared to honor his decision. If I were him I would jump at the chance to leave such an environment. I hope he decides to come home asap! Best wishes. Adrianne in IL Edited February 12, 2011 by jelbe5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I think I would just be direct and ask him, "In light of how you are being treated at school, what if we made an exception to our original agreement and returned to homeschooling now?". See what he says, but be prepared to honor his decision. If I were him I would jump at the chance to leave such an environment. I hope he decides to come home asap! Best wishes. Adrianne in IL :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I think I would just be direct and ask him, "In light of how you are being treated at school, what if we made an exception to our original agreement and returned to homeschooling now?". See what he says, but be prepared to honor his decision. If I were him I would jump at the chance to leave such an environment. I hope he decides to come home asap! Best wishes. Adrianne in IL :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarolfromIL Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 My DS is in 9th grade. I HS'd him last year and started to this year and I scared the daylights out of him with TOG. It was completely my fault and he decided to go back to PS to play sports which he did. He played football and had a terrible time. And made the 9th grade BB team and the coach was a complete jerk and he refuses to EVER play for that coach again. That coach is talking about moving up to coach JV next year. Anyway, Tanner is being bullyed at school pretty bad. Spitballs during class, kids shoving him into corners, called him names like leprechan (he is only 5'4 with a growth disorder). It ticks me off to no end and we have talked to him about going to the guidance office as the head guidance counsleor is also the bishop at our church. But Tanner is scared of being beat up or it getting worse. I would LOVE to bring him home now but we made an agreement at the beginning of the year that he would finish out this year no matter where he chose (HS or PS). He is talking quite a bit about coming home next year but how do I convince him? SOrry for the long post and thanks for listening... Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Tanner is being bullyed at school pretty bad. Spitballs during class, kids shoving him into corners, called him names like leprechan (he is only 5'4 with a growth disorder). It ticks me off to no end and we have talked to him about going to the guidance office as the head guidance counsleor is also the bishop at our church. But Tanner is scared of being beat up or it getting worse. Given the situation as described there - you don't "convince". You pull the mom card and take your child out of a threatening environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I would LOVE to bring him home now but we made an agreement at the beginning of the year that he would finish out this year no matter where he chose (HS or PS). Was this agreement originally intended for making HIM stick to the decision, or for you to accept it? Based on the answer to that question, I'd be inclined to bring him home. I honestly don't think learning can happen when a child is emotionally overwhelmed. It sounds like a bad environment for him. I'd be worried about the long-term effects this experience could have on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. This is the old argument against homeschooling that says we are being overprotective with our children. They ask how a child will deal with bullies as an adult if they aren't put into the situation with bullies as a child. There is a world of difference between what a child is thinking and doing and what an adult is thinking and doing. A typical homeschooling response to this argument is that if a child is allowed to grow up without being bullied, he will be better prepared to handle it intellligently since he won't already have some inclination to either be aggressive in order to fight the bully or be used to someone walking all over him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. "Office bullies", while behaving like jerks, don't generally throw you into corners and threaten you with worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. That isn't the equivalent question. The equivalent question is when he is in his first job after college and someone is assaulting him, does he stay quiet or does he call the police? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 The agreement was so that he sticks to HIS decision. I have not even thought about bringing him home now (how horrible is that??) He doesn't SEEM really unhappy and Tanner has ALOT of friends. That is the draw of PS to him is his friends. It just so happens none of his friends are in any of his classes. Just on a side note, my DH would agree with the poster that asked the question about how you would deal with bullies in the future. But I am uncomfortable because Tanner asked my DH the other day to teach him to box so that he could defend himself....:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 So you made an agreement that he could go if he wanted to but then he had to stick it out no matter what... but I'm guessing "no matter what" was MEANT to be: "you don't like your teachers. The work is boring. You have too much homework." That kind of thing. I'm assuming you didn't count on the fact that people would be laying their hands physically on your son, spitting at him, calling him names, causing him to be afraid to so much as talk to a guidance counselor or he might get "beat up," spending his time thinking about how he can learn to defend himself... That poor kid. This is NOT a safe or healthy environment. I would ask him, "Do you want to come home now? If you want to, you can. I don't care what we agreed on, I don't think either of us anticipated that things would be this bad." If he wants to come home, I would absolutely let the kid come home! If he wants to stay, I would do everything I could to make things better for him for the duration of his stay there. That would probably mean going and talking to the guidance counselor and principal whether he wanted me to or not and demanding that they put a stop to this, signing him up for those boxing lessons if that made him feel more empowered, letting him know he has the option to change his mind whenever he wants to, asking him if there was anything else I could do, and so on and so forth. ETA: And if your husband says something along the lines of him needing to learn to deal with bullies in the future, you now have some responses from this thread to fall back on. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. I disagree since school bullies tend to be much, much worse. I worked for over 20 years with some difficult people but none of them were as bad as school bullies that I witnessed or experienced since that sort of behavior is not tolerated. Plus if your job is that bad, you can leave wheres in school many kids do not have that option:(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 That isn't the equivalent question. The equivalent question is when he is in his first job after college and someone is assaulting him, does he stay quiet or does he call the police? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) IMHO I would be bringing him home asap whether he consents or not. Bullying can be devastating. Also, he is still not of age so the decision is yours IMHO. Normally I agree with trying to get a consensus but when safety is an issue I don't see it as a high priority. I would try to get him to see your position IMHO. :grouphug: Edited February 12, 2011 by priscilla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) For some strange reason he (Tanner) seems to think it is normal to be picked on. I guess it happened before I pulled him out ( I was working full time for a long time and lost my job 2 years ago). He says "Its not that bad now mom" which drives me nuts! He says (I just talked to him about the bullying, the coming home requires more time to talk) that the spitballs have stopped because the teacher caught them, the shoving in the corner hasn't happened in a few weeks because he told his guitar teacher but the name calling is and has continued. Oh and he also says that PS is much easier than HS.... Edited February 13, 2011 by cseitter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I think I would just be direct and ask him, "In light of how you are being treated at school, what if we made an exception to our original agreement and returned to homeschooling now?". See what he says, but be prepared to honor his decision. If I were him I would jump at the chance to leave such an environment. I hope he decides to come home asap! Best wishes. Adrianne in IL :iagree: "Office bullies", while behaving like jerks, don't generally throw you into corners and threaten you with worse. And if they're picking on someone because of their height they'd probably get fired and hauled off to jail because they're a moron. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. :iagree: I wouldn't stay in a job where I was being bullied. I would find a new one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 If I was willing to let him experiment with unschooling, at least for some subjects, I might give him The Teenage Liberation Handbook, or at least an excerpt.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 If I was willing to let him experiment with unschooling, at least for some subjects, I might give him The Teenage Liberation Handbook, or at least an excerpt.... I am not sure if I could handle that.... I know my DH couldn't.... But thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Unless you feel he is in danger I think you have to let him decide after some in depth talking. If you decide to remove him from public school based on what he has told you and he doesn't want that, then you risk him feeling like he can't talk to you about problems in his life. I think as Mom's we want to fix things, and sometimes we just need to listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Unless you feel he is in danger I think you have to let him decide after some in depth talking. If you decide to remove him from public school based on what he has told you and he doesn't want that, then you risk him feeling like he can't talk to you about problems in his life. I think as Mom's we want to fix things, and sometimes we just need to listen. This is my instinct.... I don't want him to be picked on but I don't want to force him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in either.... I wouldn't even know where to start if he came home now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 If he is comfortable staying this year and the worst of the bullying has subsided, I'd let him stay. But I would do my research on appropriate materials for next year and I would share them with him and let him have a say in choosing from materials you've preselected as being good. If he gets to choose, he may find it appealing. Also - if his friends are the draw to school, you might submit a proposal to him on how he could spend more times with them or with new friends - perhaps research some outside classes or clubs etc. What was it about TOG that scared him? Does he want more of a textbook approach? A less reading intensive approach? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 If he is comfortable staying this year and the worst of the bullying has subsided, I'd let him stay. But I would do my research on appropriate materials for next year and I would share them with him and let him have a say in choosing from materials you've preselected as being good. If he gets to choose, he may find it appealing. Also - if his friends are the draw to school, you might submit a proposal to him on how he could spend more times with them or with new friends - perhaps research some outside classes or clubs etc. What was it about TOG that scared him? Does he want more of a textbook approach? A less reading intensive approach? He freaked when he saw how much reading it was. I tried to explain to him that it was every other day etc but he didn't buy it. I LOVE to read and can't imagine why anyone wouldn't but his love of reading was killed by the PS system. He loved it up until 2nd or 3rd grade and then it was all downhill from there. I personally LOVE the concept of TOG but not sure if he will buy it. Most of the friends he hangs out with are the same friends he had while he was HS so I haven't seen much change there. I gave him the option to help me choose his curriculum, help teach his siblings next year (they will be 5) that kind of stuff also play HS BB and football if he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I think I would just be direct and ask him, "In light of how you are being treated at school, what if we made an exception to our original agreement and returned to homeschooling now?". See what he says, but be prepared to honor his decision. If I were him I would jump at the chance to leave such an environment. I hope he decides to come home asap! Best wishes. Adrianne in IL :iagree: Changing courses when something that is not working is not the same as "quitting".:grouphug: to your son. I'm sure you can find him some sports teams to play on (homeschool ones or community ones). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 You need to honor your agreement with him. If he wants to stay and the bullying isn't to the point that it's dangerous enough to overrule him, you need to stick you your original agreement. That said, you can still try to persuade him, while letting him make the final decision, that homeschooling will be a better option in the future. Have you allowed him any input into what curriculum you would use? Perhaps if he had a say-so he'd be more inclined to homeschool again. If he knows you'll honor his choice regarding staying in ps this year, then he may understand that you'll honor your decision to allow him input in curriculum next year. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. That isn't the equivalent question. The equivalent question is when he is in his first job after college and someone is assaulting him, does he stay quiet or does he call the police? I wouldn't stay in a job where I was being bullied. I would find a new one. Changing courses when something that is not working is not the same as "quitting". That said, I would put a lot of thought and a lot of dialog with him into the decision. A certain amount of banter that many of us moms would consider abuse is part of p.s. high school culture, for better or for worse. It's all about how he is feeling about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Oh and he also says that PS is much easier than HS.... Perhaps he's just not a TOG or WTM type of student. We use a traditional correspondence high school program. It's just like public school work. Perhaps your son would be more interested in that type of program. It's not everybody's cup of tea, especially around here, but it's a way to homeschool without your child having to be in the brick and mortar school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 That said, I would put a lot of thought and a lot of dialog with him into the decision. A certain amount of banter that many of us moms would consider abuse is part of p.s. high school culture, for better or for worse. It's all about how he is feeling about it. The OP did not say that it was just banter - she said that it was physically being shoved into corners and being spit on. Once she said that the spitting and shoving has been resolved, I changed my answer to one of letting him stay if he felt comfortable in that environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 I have offered to let him take 2 courses at the PS but when he reliazed that that would limit his freedom of homeschooling he didnt want to do it. I guess it is all or nothing with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 The OP did not say that it was just banter - she said that it was physically being shoved into corners and being spit on. Once she said that the spitting and shoving has been resolved, I changed my answer to one of letting him stay if he felt comfortable in that environment. Yes, agreed. Careful dialog about the situation to discern if it is abusive or "friendly banter", assault or friendly wrestling, etc. If it's abusive/dangerous, take him out now. If it's just culturally different, and if he's ok with it (or it comes with other benefits), then it might be better to let him stay. Tough call, definitely. But without doubt I'd make sure he know it was OK to decide to come home, as the original terms weren't intended to cover abusive/dangerous/depressing situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I'm sorry, but I would have given him a chance to address and correct the problem and then if he didn't want to, I would have told him that I would step in with those in authority to make sure it was corrected. I would have gone to administration, teachers, my paster, etc. in order to make sure that all were aware of what was occurring and that all were accountable. Too many times, adults are aware this sort of thing is occurring and simply allow it. That is WRONG. No adult should be allowing this sort of behavior from students during classes! If the problem were not immediately addressed and corrected, I would pull him and file a complaint against the school and ALL those involved, including the adults who are supposed to be in charge.... If I were an adult and was being bullied in my workplace and those in charge refused to stop it, I would file charges with the police for assault, etc. and file a lawsuit against them. No one EVER has to put up with that sort of crap. EVER. It is wrong and there are multiple laws in place to address such wrongs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I'm sorry, but I would have given him a chance to address and correct the problem and then if he didn't want to, I would have told him that I would step in with those in authority to make sure it was corrected. I would have gone to administration, teachers, my paster, etc. in order to make sure that all were aware of what was occurring and that all were accountable. Too many times, adults are aware this sort of thing is occurring and simply allow it. That is WRONG. No adult should be allowing this sort of behavior from students during classes! It has gone on an awful long time now. I don't know if I would still go the complaint route at this point, or not. If I did and if the problem were not immediately addressed and corrected, I would pull him and file a complaint against the school and ALL those involved, including the adults who are supposed to be in charge.... If I were an adult and was being bullied in my workplace and those in charge refused to stop it, I would file charges with the police for assault, etc. and file a lawsuit against all involved. No one EVER has to put up with that sort of crap. EVER. It is wrong and there are multiple laws in place to address such wrongs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayDad Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. Thank you so much for saying this. I should add the school will do nothing about what is going on regardless of who the boy, or his parents, inform. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. :iagree: Very well said. You saved me from saying something I'd regret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 It is valuable for your son learn that sometimes a decision needs to be re-evaluated, even the ones that were hard and fast rules. It takes a level of maturity and humility to be able to say 'maybe I was wrong about this, maybe we should have been more flexible from the beginning." Working through the process together with your son will teach him discernment and a level of adult decision making that goes beyond "we said so, and now we're going to live with it." It shows him your humanity, and ultimately your love, that you place his well-being above a self-imposed rule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. Ya know, I am a 32 year old mother of four who is really, really big on personal responsibility. If I found myself in a situation where I was being repeatedly assalted at my job (and my husband wasn't around to provide for us), I would bundle my kids up and head down to my daddy. I wouldn't live off him a day longer than I had to, but I would go. The really nice thing about having a family is having a safety net. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Given the situation as described there - you don't "convince". You pull the mom card and take your child out of a threatening environment. :iagree: DS3 went to a parochial school in 8th grade, because DH decided it would be a good idea. He was miserable there on a daily basis, which I could tell even though he did not complain. DS1 was in his class, and told me what was going on, as did the principal and the teachers. I asked DS3 several times over the course of 6 months if he wanted to come home. He kept saying he didn't know. One day, we had lunch in my room so I could get to the bottom of how he felt. He didn't want to be thought of as a quitter, so he was willing to stick it out. I told him that things had gone far enough, and the decision was mine now. There was no reason for misery to be the price he paid for sticking it out. He never went back. He was so relieved! The events which occurred at this school were beyond DS3's control. The situation was not going to improve. I had already had many talks with the principal and the teachers there, and no one was willing to work with his special needs. They knew what was wrong; they just didn't want him in their school. Edited February 13, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 And, where are these office bullies? Dh & I are in our 40s, having spent all our adult lives (and most of the teen ones), working in various environments. I have had one crazy boss/major professor, and there were a few other bosses we didn't care for here or there. . . but, I can't think of a single coworker or boss who was a 'bully'. I think that in order to be bullied, one has to feel somewhat powerless, because if you have the power to change or leave the situation, you can simply abandon the ship and no longer submit to the bully. I can see folks falling prey to bullies if: 1) they do not have the power to leave the school or job (or family!) AND/OR 2) they are not emotionally strong enough to leave the situation or defuse the bully in some way I don't think many healthy adults meet the second condition. I agree with prior posters that the ways to help our children become healthy adults who can deal with all kinds of challenges does not include exposing them to unhealthy, abusive situations as young people. So far as condition #1, I think that being educationally and financially successful helps assure that people have choices to change work situations as needed. Anyway, I think this workplace bully thing is a lot of hype. There are creeps all over the place. Coworkers, bosses, clients. . . there're always people out to take advantage and exert control they have to right to. . . Learning to ignore/defuse/avoid/firmly deny the bullying. . . is an essential life skill, but the way to learn these skills is not to submit to their bullying, but to find ways to end it. I think most people who encourage kids to 'stick it out' are acutally enabling them to tolerate & submit to the bullying, which is the very last thing they should be doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 And, where are these office bullies? Dh & I are in our 40s, having spent all our adult lives (and most of the teen ones), working in various environments. Ditto. I asked DH who has been working in office environments for about 32 years and he doesn't recall a single bullying incident. I worked in offices for about 10 years and the only incident I saw was personal. A new employee began doing stupid things to my desk like unplugging my computer, putting my photos in the trash can and suggesting it was the office cleaners, and stringing all my paperclips together. Well, that last "joke" got her fired. When the owner of the company tried to pick up a paperclip from my desk and got a string of them instead, he was livid that anyone in his employment had time to do such a stupid stunt. He knew it wasn't me and believed me when I told him who it was. She was fired within 5 minutes. I hear about the same stuff from dd18 about her job. However, as the big boss has found out about stupid stuff being done at his restaurant, at least 3 people have been fired within the past 3 weeks. I don't think businesses really want to tolerate such foolishness. Instead, my dd18 was rewarded for her excellent work ethic, something I truly believe is being fostered in all of my children because they are able to learn/work without having to resort to falling into such foolishness that is normally seen in a child-peer-driven environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cseitter Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 I sat down and talked to him last night and he said that it was getting better and he wanted to wait a little while. I am ok with that as long as it stops. If it doesn't stop I want him to come home and he agreed. I told him that our agreement of him sticking with what he decided didn't include someone beating up on him or hurting him. He seemed ok with that so we will wait and see. :) Thanks everyone for their input I really appreciate it@! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I sat down and talked to him last night and he said that it was getting better and he wanted to wait a little while. I am ok with that as long as it stops. If it doesn't stop I want him to come home and he agreed. I told him that our agreement of him sticking with what he decided didn't include someone beating up on him or hurting him. He seemed ok with that so we will wait and see. :) Thanks everyone for their input I really appreciate it@! Very nicely handled! I hope it all works out. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No offense but I find attitudes like these dangerous. We do not need to allow our children (and this boy IS still a child) to be bullied because hey, they need to learn how to deal with bullies, and hey, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and hey, what are they going to do when they're grown up... ...he's not grown up. He's, what, 14? He's still a minor, he's still a kid, and he still needs and deserves his parents' protection when necessary. What he needs to "learn" is that he has that. Adults have more maturity, more logic skills, more choices, more of everything that is necessary to "defend" themselves if they run into bullying types then. He'll be able to choose whether to ignore an office bully, whether to go to human resources about it, whether to put his foot down, whether to call the police if someone shoves him, or, yes, whether it's bad enough to switch jobs. This boy wanted to try public school, and he did. He's being emotionally abused, harassed, physically assaulted and he's not happy. If he's not happy at school, and he WANTS to come back home to homeschool, and his mother WANTS to homeschool him, then it's foolish to let anything stand in the way of that. Be it a verbal agreement mother and son made, or some misguided attitude about "Well, he has to learn to deal with bullies someday!" Just my two cents. :iagree:Preach it, Nance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kareng Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I have read your post and those that follow. I wanted you to know that I have been praying for you, for God's wisdom about what to do in these circumstances. Please let us know how things work out. Here's a hug for you :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarolfromIL Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) No one has seen an office bully? The Manager who delivers vague threats about your job unless you kiss his ring, competitive co workers who cut you down in order to gain favor or promotion by cutting you down. No one has seen that? When my husband was first out of college, some of his co workers thought another employee looked like Homer Simpson. One employee framed a picture outside his cubicle of Homer Simpson without saying or doing anything. It was just implied that this was a picture of the employee. This is bullying and it happens everyday in all different types of work places. The employee had to of learned how to handle this type of bullying at some point in his life. Although this employee was 22 or 23 (post college grad), was it an option to leave his job and go home to mom? 14 is only 8 years away from 22 and you better learn to swim with the fishes at some point during that 8 year delta, or you will be eaten by the sharks. Edited February 14, 2011 by CarolfromIL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I pray things are going better for your ds. I just can't wrap my head around kids being so cruel.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Just to play devils advocate, when he is starting his first job after college and there is an office type-a bully pushing his weight around the office, will the message to your son be to "come home"? Just food for thought. Age 14 is prime bullying time and for a guy that is 5'4'', I can imagine it is quite problematic. Though some adults are bullied at work, it's 1) not nearly as common and 2) adults have cognitive thinking skills to process it that 14 year olds do not and they have legal options that kids do not. I do not see the comparison at.all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 No one has seen an office bully? The Manager who delivers vague threats about your job unless you kiss his ring, competitive co workers who cut you down in order to gain favor or promotion by cutting you down. No one has seen that? When my husband was first out of college, some of his co workers thought another employee looked like Homer Simpson. One employee framed a picture outside his cubicle of Homer Simpson without saying or doing anything. It was just implied that this was a picture of the employee. This is bullying and it happens everyday in all different types of work places. The employee had to of learned how to handle this type of bullying at some point in his life. Although this employee was 22 or 23 (post college grad), was it an option to leave his job and go home to mom? 14 is only 8 years away from 22 and you better learn to swim with the fishes at some point during that 8 year delta, or you will be eaten by the sharks. My dh worked with a "bully" recently and he just ignored him. His response was always, "what is he going to do? Fire me?" Bullies only bully because they are covering up for their own insecurities. If the "bully" had laid a finger on him, then he would have had him arrested for assualt (or laid him out more likely.:lol:) That Homer Simpson scenario is bizarre - would mature, professional people really do something like that? I can't imagine. That seems so...high school.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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