Do you make your children continue with activities when they've been once...

[3lilreds in NC]

and decided they don't want to do it?

 

Abbie really wanted to try a local youth choir. We went tonight for the first time, and she doesn't want to go back. I think she should go for at least a couple more weeks before deciding she doesn't want to pursue it.

 

She *loves* to sing. She and Emma both participate in the children's choir at our church, which is fun, but there is very little instruction. The professor who teaches the youth choir we went to this evening is fabulous! She's teaching them harmony, songs in different languages, proper diction - great stuff.

 

I think it's a great opportunity for her. I am pretty sure the reason she didn't like it was the warm-up exercises; they were things she'd never done before, she's very shy & felt quite self-conscious, and she told me she doesn't ever think she will feel comfortable doing things like that.

 

The one and only performance they do will be over before Easter. I'd love to see her stick it out for just this term, and then if she really doesn't want to continue with it, she doesn't have to go back. She was VERY upset when I told her I want her to continue with it for at least a couple more weeks, though, and cried a lot. Crying in itself is not unusual for her, so it didn't worry me overmuch.

 

I don't want to make her miserable, but I do think she should give this a fair chance. Should I let her just not do it? Dh and I were talking about it and he agrees that it would probably be really good for her to continue to do it. Do I get to play the mom card here, and make her do it even though she doesn't want to? I feel like the biggest wimp ever.

[gardening momma]

Play the mom card. She should go. A good choir/singer should do warm ups, anyway.

[KristinaBreece]

I would make her see it through to one performance, then let her decide.

 

DS has been begging to play soccer since he was 2. This is the first season he's old enough, so we signed him up... Hasn't started yet, but even if he hates it, I'll make him play out one season.

[Starr]

My dc are in a youth choir. I agree that for many children once is not enough. Many kids quit before they really give it a try. If she likes to sing and is shy, it's a great opportunity. I really think that a good childrens choir teaches children music like a second language. They really soak it up. Soon the warm ups are known and they don't seem to take so long. And once she hears what they do at the end of the semester she'll be so proud!

[mama2cntrykids]

I would encourage her to continue. It was only the first time being there, she should stick with it to give it a fair shake.

 

My ds10 is playing basketball on the HS team this year and after two weeks he wanted to quit. I basically told him to keep going this year and next year if he didn't want to sign up, he didn't have to. You know what??? After all the crying and attitiude about it...he *loves* it lol.

 

Be encouraging mom!

[kristinannie]

The first two weeks that DS4 went to karate, he was complaining and didn't want to go. Now he begs to go every day! Make her stick it out for a couple of months and if she truly doesn't like it, then she can quit. Did something happen that upset her? Maybe if you talk to her about it, you can solve a potential problem.

[Mary in VA]

Whenever our girls wanted to do an activity/sport we made them stick it out for the duration of the activity, i.e. season, term, etc. New things are always hard, but if you quit after one time how can you tell if you like it? And sometimes even with things they liked they'd be tired and not want to go. But we'd say it's not up for discussion right now, at the end if you want to quit you can. And then we'd always ask when it was time to sign up again if they wanted to, with the understanding it was for the duration of that activity. Our 16 yo dd has been taking ballet for 12 years. If we'd let her quit everytime she asked in the early years she would have missed out on one of her passions in life!

 

If your dd goes at least through the performance she can really tell if it's for her or not. At this point she really doesn't know. I'd play the mom card on this one.

 

HTH,

Mary

[roxanne23]

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Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[3lilreds in NC]

Thanks everyone - I appreciate all the responses! I agree, she needs to try it more than one night. Hopefully, she will start to enjoy it. I think if she can make a friend or two, that will make a huge difference.

[jasar31629]

I was shy when I was younger as well...it was nice to have someone push me into a few things that were beyond my comfort zone (within reason of course). Now I must push myself :001_smile:

[3lilreds in NC]

I was shy when I was younger as well...it was nice to have someone push me into a few things that were beyond my comfort zone (within reason of course). Now I must push myself :001_smile:

 

I really think that's the key - she's WAY out of her comfort zone. :) I do think she needs to be pushed a bit. With homeschooling, she's almost always pretty comfortable. I know it will be good for her to try this.

[angela in ohio]

The professor who teaches the youth choir we went to this evening is fabulous! She's teaching them harmony, songs in different languages, proper diction - great stuff..

 

Because of this, I'd consider it part of her education and would not be likely to give her a choice.

[NanceXToo]

No. I wouldn't make her continue.

 

I think it's great that she wanted to try something new. She tried it. She decided for whatever reason it wasn't for her, or that she just wasn't ready for it, why can't she make that decision?

 

Forcing her to continue might make her decide she likes it, sure. Or it might make her still hate it and be more wary about trying new things next time.

 

There are some things kids should be allowed to be independent with and make their own decisions regarding, and what they do in their extracurricular activities, which are supposed to be for fun, and which are supposed to be for THEM not for mom and dad, should be one of them, IMHO.

 

I say give her the choice. Let her learn to make those choices by not always making them for her. Maybe down the road she'll change her mind and give it another chance. Maybe she'll find something else she loves. Give her the room to explore and the respect to make the choices.

[Gratia271]

I am pretty sure the reason she didn't like it was the warm-up exercises; they were things she'd never done before, she's very shy & felt quite self-conscious, and she told me she doesn't ever think she will feel comfortable doing things like that.

 

 

 

I think this is a great opportunity for her to stretch herself. At the end of the term/season, you can reevaluate whether to continue. One of my children has needed to be nudged outside comfort zone and has been glad in retrospect that she was.

[FO4UR]

Well, it's a huge difference between "church children's choir" and a "REAL children's choir"...she's in shock...it'll wear off.:tongue_smilie:

 

Make her go.

 

If she's walking into a room where all the other kids know the warm-ups and she doesn't....it's like walking into a classroom where everyone is reading Charlotte's Web, and you are still reading Bob Books. It's plain intimidating.

[TravelingChris]

I agree with Mary in VA. My kids know that if they sign up for an activity, they are doing it for the class term, performance, some natural break. With regards to this choir, I wouldn't even consider this an EC unless your daughter had already had such training. I consider such training to be a regular class, just not one that I teach. It is simply part of an education that one can choose to give a child.

[LidiyaDawn]

I was shy when I was younger as well...it was nice to have someone push me into a few things that were beyond my comfort zone (within reason of course). Now I must push myself :001_smile:

 

For others, being shoved into situations where they're not comfortable is HORRIBLE.

 

I was a quiet, shy, bookworm sorta kid and my parents and teachers were always trying to do this to me...often with very miserable results.

 

 

I really think that's the key - she's WAY out of her comfort zone. :) I do think she needs to be pushed a bit. With homeschooling, she's almost always pretty comfortable. I know it will be good for her to try this.

 

Ugh, I hate those words. "comfort zone" - you only hear them when someone wants someone else to do something they're not okay doing.

 

Those 'miserable results' I mentioned above? Here's one: my folks & teachers "pushed me" (ie: played the adult cards and ordered me) into taking part in a class presentation thing where I had to speak in front of 30+ kids. "Oh you'll be fine."

 

I was so nervous that I threw up - right there, in front of EVERYONE.

 

:(

 

 

 

No. I wouldn't make her continue.

 

I think it's great that she wanted to try something new. She tried it. She decided for whatever reason it wasn't for her, or that she just wasn't ready for it, why can't she make that decision?

 

Forcing her to continue might make her decide she likes it, sure. Or it might make her still hate it and be more wary about trying new things next time.

 

There are some things kids should be allowed to be independent with and make their own decisions regarding, and what they do in their extracurricular activities, which are supposed to be for fun, and which are supposed to be for THEM not for mom and dad, should be one of them, IMHO.

 

I say give her the choice. Let her learn to make those choices by not always making them for her. Maybe down the road she'll change her mind and give it another chance. Maybe she'll find something else she loves. Give her the room to explore and the respect to make the choices.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Mary in VA]

There's obviously a difference in pushing a shy child to try new things they are uncomfortable with and forcing a shy child to do something that terrifies them. Only you know where that threshold is for your daughter. From your description it doesn't sound like she is terrified, but you would know.

 

And for the record, I was a VERY shy child. In 1st grade my report card noted it and said if I didn't grow out of it it could become a problem. I was pretty shy all the way through high school, although it lessened over time. So I can empathize with your dd :grouphug: But I was in choirs all through elementary and high school. Choirs are great for shy people because you can sing but be surrounded by others, kind of lost in the crowd :001_smile: Never could have gotten me to do a solo though! Sounds like not knowing what was going to happen or having friends made her uncomfortable. I bet once she makes a few friends and knows the routine she will love it!

 

Mary

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

It totally depends on the kid.

 

My older son is an Aspie. He begged to take karate, even though he tried to take it a couple of years ago, and wouldn't participate in the class at all. He used to hide behind the mats and peek out to watch the other kids. I kept taking him back that first time, because I hoped eventually he would want to participate. He never came out from behind the mats, but at home, he could repeat all the moves the other kids learned. Fast forward to 2.5 years later, and he wanted to take karate again, with the same teacher in the same place. He insisted he was going to participate this time. So, I signed him up. At the first class, he clung to my leg and shrieked and cried and begged me to take him away, screaming, "I forgot what it was like!" over and over again. So, no, I don't force him to go back more than once.

 

DS2, however, is currently enrolled in a hip hop and tumble class that he claims to hate. He never wants to go and argues every week. Once we get there, though, he participates fully in the class, and even forgets to hate it, and ends up with a smile on his face. So, him, I force to go.

[LauraGB]

I'd try very hard to find out why she doesn't want to because the same reasons will likely show up again later as she joins other things. Depending on her reasons, I'd make her give it a chance; if her reasons are internal, I'd probably make her commit to several classes (4-6, maybe) and do a re-check then. If her reasons are external (like the instructor or other certain kids), I'd have to look a little closer at the situation and really listen to her before I made my decision.

 

New things always freak me out, too. I often find myself wanting to do something, and then when it comes time to actually do it, I get nervous and want to go home (or quit). But then, if I persevere, the new thing becomes common place and all is well.

[TXMomof4]

I really think that's the key - she's WAY out of her comfort zone. :) I do think she needs to be pushed a bit. With homeschooling, she's almost always pretty comfortable. I know it will be good for her to try this.

 

DD2 started playing in the youth orchestra this last fall and we had the same situation. She went the first time with her private instructor, but when it came time for me to take her she was all sorts of difficult about it. I had her instructor talk to her about it and encourage her some so it wasn't a 'mom' thing, KWIM? She still was reluctant with me, but she ended up loving it. She is just very uncomfortable in new situations.

 

I'd keep her going - it's only for a few months and the experience will be valuable even if she doesn't love it.

[----]

If my kids are begging to take a class and we agree and pay for it, then yes, they're expected to finish the commitment. Unless there was something absolutely terrible going on at class. Just because they don't like it? Nope, not good enough.

[Tammyla]

To save future heartache, consider visiting any activity or class one time vs. signing up and committing.

[AngieW in Texas]

It depends.

 

Most of the classes that we've done have had a trial class or even trial week. The whole purpose of the trial period is to see whether or not you'd like to actually sign up for it. If my kids did the trial and didn't want to go back, then I was fine with that.

 

OTOH, my youngest desperately wanted to learn to play guitar. She wanted it enough to buy a used guitar with her own money. I told her that I would pay for group lessons, but since I had to commit to pay for a full 4 months of lessons, she had to commit to take the full 4 months of lessons. She adored her guitar teacher. She didn't actually care for the group aspect and switched to private after the 4 months were over, but there were only 2 other kids in the class at the start and only one other at the end. A lot of the time she had private instruction for the first 10 minutes because the other kid was nearly always 10-15 minutes late.

 

She is still taking private lessons with this instructor now after a full year.

 

When she took ice skating lessons, I had to pay for a term of 4 weeks at one time, so that's what she had to commit to. She didn't return at the end of the term.

 

When she did ballet, you just had to commit month-to-month with 30 days of notice. She had me give notice halfway through the first month, so she was only in the class for two months.

[Lady Florida.]

I have to agree with NanceX and LidiyaDawn. It was something SHE wanted to try. She tried it. Maybe once is all she needed to know it isn't for her. Since she's young, this is the kind of activity where she can practice making her own decisions -- the kind that won't have a long lasting detrimental effect.

[K&Rs Mom]

To save future heartache, consider visiting any activity or class one time vs. signing up and committing.

 

:iagree: if it's possible, but lots of activities don't have that and one try isn't always enough to really decide. If something has a specific time/season, I make them finish it, then they can decide whether to sign up again for the next rotation. If it's ongoing, I guess I'd decide a time, one month or something, so that they really give it a chance, then at the end of that they could decide to continue or not.

[Carrie12345]

Depends on many different things.

 

I've had a daughter try cheering during wrestling season. I was never so happy to let a child quit something before! :tongue_smilie:

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I am pretty sure the reason she didn't like it was the warm-up exercises;

 

There wouldn't be a lot of gymnasts if all girls quit because they don't like the warm-up exercises.. Not a whole lot of ballerinas either. Warm up exercises are boring, hard, and not rewarding. But they are needed. Could you have a talk with your daughter about this? I'm pretty sure she doesn't enjoy making her bed, but I'm sure she's happy when she goes to bed at night in a nice bed. If truly it was just the warm-up, this is no cause in my household to quit an activity...

[AnitaMcC]

It depends on what the activity is.

 

If it is free (or very low cost) then they only have to go six times and then they can quit. I say six times because that really gives a good idea about the activity. If after six times, and my child doesn't like it... then I am pretty sure it isn't a good fit for that child.

 

If it is something that costs a lot or there is a expected/understood commitment that they agreed to do when joining, or if they begged and pleaded to join... then they must complete to the end of the commitment.

[rwilliams]

I think you should let her stop. Singing to me should be something you enjoy and is fun. I think kids should get to try new things....that's being a kid. My son has to take a certain amount of gross motor activities but he can choose which ones. He has to take some type of music but he can choose which one.