How do you NOT yell??

[Moxie]

My 9 year old DS makes me batty. I give him a job (right now he is supposed to be cleaning up his toys) and he just sits there. He will say okay when I give him the job but without me CONSTANTLY standing there, nagging, he does nothing. Really, how fun can it be to just sit and stare?? How can he not understand that it is a 5 minute job that he is stretching out to half an hour and only does after I blow my top?? I really do try to not yell, I try to be patient but I do have my limits!

[bettyandbob]

I do yell, but I yell a lot less when I've done my best to control my own stress. For me that means I start each day with exercise before everyone gets up. When I don't do this, it's shows. I lose my temper very quickly. I don't like getting up early, but it's clear it's a necessity.

 

The other thing to do is to keep in mind that the only person you can truly control in yourself. And the more you can't keep control of yourself, the less likely your child will be able to control himself.

 

As far as consequences for his behavior, I used to give my kids a daily assignment list. They didn't do fun stuff until it was done. Unfortunately, that might mean you don't get to do something either. When they were in early elementary, they had homeschool gymnastic classes and playgroups. We didn't go if it wasn't done.

Edited November 22, 2010 by betty

[sbgrace]

These books have bible/scripture throughout so might not work for some families though the principles are solid and applicable for any belief system I think (treating people with honor for example). I wouldn't recommend it though for someone who would be offended by scripture references and the like. Anyway, if scripture is ok I'd recommend these books. I've read a lot of parenting books that didn't make lasting change in patterns here. But these were different for us. They have turned around our home. We have this one and this one as well. They will address both the yelling and the behavior the child has that leads to parental anger as well.

[MamaSheep]

Sometimes it helps to remember that they're just little kids. Their brains are honest to goodness not fully developed, and sometimes they have a hard time with executive function type skills like figuring out where to start on a task like that. Sometimes it's easier to not yell if you can realize that they're not intentionally being obnoxious, they're just immature and still learning how life works. Plus, I think nine is a hard age for boys. I'm not sure why, but it seems that 9 year old boys just struggle. Maybe you could make it into a game for him in some way? I have always had better results with my kids cleaning up at that age if it could be a game. For example, I would sometimes string yarn across the room to divide it into sections and then time how long it took them to clean each section and see which one they got done the fastest. Or we'd assign each section a number and then roll a die to see which section to do first. If we rolled a section we already had cleaned up, they could have a 5 minute break. I might even race them--let's see if you can finish that section before I get the dishwasher empty (or whatever I was needing to do besides stand there and nag). Or sometimes I'd give them a bucket or basket small enough to carry and then tell them to collect items of a particular type or color--see how many blue toys you can find. Great, now go put them away. Now lets see how many red toys you can find.

 

At any rate, breaking it down and giving a starting point and small, specific goal seemed to help a lot, and the "game" aspect helped get them a little bit motivated--or at least took their mind of the fact that it was hard labor. And seeing them at least make an effort helped me hold it together.

Edited November 22, 2010 by MamaSheep

[....]

I breathe and walk away. Altho, my 9 yro and 7 yro are incredible. I very rarely yell at them. The 3 yro, however...:toetap05:...especially when teamed up with the 5 yro...:glare:

 

I've had to send myself to time-out in my bedroom a few times...

[Robin M]

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself - would you yell at your husband, mother, employer, the waitress in the restaurant. I really have to watch myself, because I have no problem yelling at my kid and no one else. So am training myself not to yell. Besides it was teaching him it was okay to yell right back. So, just stop and take a deep breath, speak in a quiet voice, then remove a privilege when they don't move fast enough. My son loves loves loves his technology. One word of losing it for a day, a week, whatever and he does what I say.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Get laryngitis for three weeks - it really cures the yelling!:D

 

Seriously - I will get out a timer and will tell them, I want to see how much you can do before the timer goes off in 5 min (or 10 min. to give them extra time).

[gingersmom]

If you grew up with a parent who yelled constantly you would not be repeating the cycle and yeling at your own children.

 

I would tell him he has X amount of toys to clean up the toys. If they are not cleaned up in alloted time then first you lose X, then y, the Z, etc.

 

Give it one or two times and when he sees you mean what you say I am pretty sure he will be cleaning up the toys, etc.

[Kathleen in VA]

I have yelled and I realize the reason is because I felt helpless and powerless. Yelling made me feel like I was doing something - but then I felt bad because I knew I would not want to be yelled at and being yelled at never motivated me to do anything. I have found that if I deal in my child's "currency" I get better results. If I want something done I sometimes offer a reward: "After the bathroom is clean, you may (fill in the blank with some desired activity)." It helps to have a list of things already in your head. There can also be negative consequences. I've withheld my son's privilege of playing his favorite video game when he gives me a bad attitude - I refuse to reward that.

 

My dh is very good at this and that's who I learned it from. He says to the kids, "When the house is clean, we can all sit down and watch a movie." It works. They hustle. But, then we don't watch that many movies, so it is a real treat.

 

I don't consider it bribing either. When I have a lot of work to do, I tell myself I will sit down with the computer and a cup of coffee after I get so much accomplished. It motivates me to keep going. I think we all function best when we see an end in sight and when our efforts are rewarded.

[missesd]

I have yelled, I do yell... but it all depends on the circumstances. It's not usually related to schooling, though today I resorted to bribery for A) being done first B) doing your best and C) not giving mommy a hard time. To date I have had 2 sodas and 800mg of IB and *still* have a headache though.... *sigh*

[kalanamak]

How can he not understand that it is a 5 minute job that he is stretching out to half an hour and only does after I blow my top?? I really do try to not yell, I try to be patient but I do have my limits!

 

Well, I don't wait half an hour. If my son disobeys are reasonable call (e.g. get dressed and meet me in the school room) x 3, I march him to his room and watch him dress. He haaaaaaaaates this. I tell him he'll be treated the age he is acting. By waiting 30 minutes, you will be enraged.

 

If I do lose my temper, I try to make it quick. If, rarely, I think I might yell more than one sentence, I get close and whisper. My son knows when I whisper, I've reached the end and he gets a very serious look on my face. Major perks, like the trainset he just set up, get seized if my whisper is ignored.

[Peela]

I think it helps to recognise that is IS normal behaviour and it isn't personal. They dont deliberately try to annoy us most of the time (I know sometimes they do but often it just isnt like that)- they are just being themselves, and it is perfectly age appropriate behaviour. We tend, as adults, to project our own understanding of life onto our kids. They don't see things like we do, they havent had the life experience...and what seems like a small job to us, and sensible to get it over and done with quickly...can seem huge to them, and they live so much in the present.

 

They need lots of patience. At that age, I was doing the Flylady thing and going into their rooms with them and putting music on and a timer, or giving them one small job at a time...but keeping it light and fun as possible. The timer worked really well to help them to feel a task was doable and wasnt going to go on forever- a kid's sense of time is very different from an adult's.

 

When I am yelling I know I have lost perspective and balance in my own life....and I try to deal with that, rather than think it is the kids job to change to make me feel better. Much easier said than done, but important to recognise. If i am in a grounded, light hearted, stress free space, teh same behaviour from the kid just rolls off me and I deal with it in a matter of fact way. WHen I am stressed, it gets to me and I might yell. I have certainly done my share of yelling, but I do recognise nowadays that it is a sign that I need to take some better care of myself.

[Debbie in OR]

Couple of thoughts..(because, hey, we all raise our voices to some degree ;))...

 

1) Someone told me one time to imagine that someone from my church is standing there with me...how would I talk to them? If I can control my tone when I know other people are watching me, I can do it when I am alone with them. This one actually works for me.

 

2) My SIL has 3 very boy boys. The more she needed their attention, the lower she would take her voice. She will start talking in a lower-than-normal voice and if they still are not listening, the lower and quieter her voice gets. Soon, they are listening and she gets to communicate whatever in this very low, very quiet voice. It's something to behold, really. I don't think this would work with all kids, and perhaps because she started out this way, she trained them inadvertently to listen to her lower voice...I don't know. But it worked. (I, apparently, clued in to this too late because...um, I can't do it. :glare:)

[angela in ohio]

I used to be a yeller, but as my oldest began approaching 5 or so, I noticed that she was yelling, too, so I took steps to quit. I give immediate, previously-determined consequences in a calm way. It keeps me from having to yell, removes me from the role of "bad guy", and gets us back to happy times quickly. I don't have time to nag, and I refuse to jeopardize our relationship by being a nag. I prefer to discipline. At that age, for us, it takes the form of lost privileges, early bed, lost snacks and treats, etc.

[Nestof3]

This sounds like Ben -- my 9 year old. I seriously feel like he has aged me tremendously; he just stresses me out so much.

 

I wish I had answers. Some days I just want to throw my hands up in exasperation. :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Yes, my kids are yellers too. I have good days where I do what you suggest, but then I just fall back into the old habits. Thanks for the reminder.

 

I used to be a yeller, but as my oldest began approaching 5 or so, I noticed that she was yelling, too, so I took steps to quit.

 

What makes it hard for me is that my mom NEVER had to tell me to clean up after myself. She will confirm this. I just don't get the leave your things all over the house thing. I don't get the, "I'm okay living in total chaos" thing either.

Edited November 23, 2010 by nestof3

[Karenciavo]

If you grew up with a parent who yelled constantly you would not be repeating the cycle and yeling at your own children.

 

I know some people do yell if they had parents that yelled, but I agree part of the reason why I don't yell is because I had a father who yelled and he yelled in a very demeaning way. I make the distinction because I have met some loud people/families. They yell across the house, they yell into the next room, yell, yell, yell. It's how they communicate and everyone seems alright with it. Funny thing is if I have any stress in my voice at all my boys think I'm yelling :lol: I say to them if they only knew. :tongue_smilie:

[Night Elf]

I used to yell. When I started making a conscious effort to stop, I had to give myself mommy time-outs. I even told the kids, I'm taking a time-out until I cool down. In the end, it was good role modeling and worked perfectly to help me kick the yelling habit.

[HappyGrace]

Someone one these boards recommended this book and it helped me so much "Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids"-I keep it on my bedside table-lol!

 

I am Christian, and didn't love some of the New Age hooey in it, but I skipped over any of that and gleaned what helped. It gave good examples of how to dialogue, how to stay calm, etc.

 

I've read TONS of parenting books, and this was the one that really helped me with *my* attitude in dealing with the dc.

[Sahamamama]

I have yelled and I realize the reason is because I felt helpless and powerless. Yelling made me feel like I was doing something - but then I felt bad because I knew I would not want to be yelled at and being yelled at never motivated me to do anything. I have found that if I deal in my child's "currency" I get better results. If I want something done I sometimes offer a reward: "After the bathroom is clean, you may (fill in the blank with some desired activity)." It helps to have a list of things already in your head. There can also be negative consequences. I've withheld my son's privilege of playing his favorite video game when he gives me a bad attitude - I refuse to reward that.

 

My dh is very good at this and that's who I learned it from. He says to the kids, "When the house is clean, we can all sit down and watch a movie." It works. They hustle. But, then we don't watch that many movies, so it is a real treat.

 

I don't consider it bribing either. When I have a lot of work to do, I tell myself I will sit down with the computer and a cup of coffee after I get so much accomplished. It motivates me to keep going. I think we all function best when we see an end in sight and when our efforts are rewarded.

 

:iagree:Yes, this is great advice, especially realizing WHY we yell at our kids -- that feeling of frustration, powerlessness. I have been learning this year that I'm not really that powerless to get my children to move and do. There ARE things that motivate them, and it is not the same as bribing. I get motivated by rewards, too!

 

I think one thing has helped me, and that has been to be CLEAR about what I want. I think that sometimes, a parent's frustration only reflects the child's bewilderment about expectations -- what EXACTLY did you want me to do, and what EXACTLY are the consequences for not doing it, and what EXACTLY is my goal in doing this (a break, a reward, a "well done")?

 

One other thing that helps me is realizing the extent to which I, as a mother, set the emotional tone in the home. And my kids are "stuck" with me. ;) IOW, this is the environment that will shape them -- that's what we SAY is a benefit of homeschooling, right? But our uncontrolled emotions can wreak havoc on the peace that children need to grow and learn and feel connected. If home is truly the environment that shapes the child, then I need to take the leadership/initiative to turn the situation around when things start to spin out.

 

And, I'd rather "get less done" and have peace than push, push, push with flare-ups -- at least at these young ages. HTH. Peace.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Sahamamama

[RanchGirl]

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself - would you yell at your husband, mother, employer, the waitress in the restaurant.

 

:iagree: We are adults, we don't (usually!!) let ourselves lose it on other people, so why do it with the kids -- my relationship with my child is much more precious to me than my relationship with the waitress. Five, ten, twenty years from now, the kids aren't going to remember what I said all day, but they will remember how I made them feel. And being yelled at does not make you feel good.

 

And let's face it: yelling at kids is flat out ineffective. In most cases, you're just wasting your vocal cords, LOL. In my case, I typically yell when I am feeling lazy. It's much more difficult to stay calm and think of creative, intelligent ways to motivate my children. But it's my JOB and I take it seriously! :)

[RanchGirl]

One other thing that helps me is realizing the extent to which I, as a mother, set the emotional tone in the home. And my kids are "stuck" with me. ;) IOW, this is the environment that will shape them -- that's what we SAY is a benefit of homeschooling, right? But our uncontrolled emotions can wreak havoc on the peace that children need to grow and learn and feel connected. If home is truly the environment that shapes the child, then I need to take the leadership/initiative to turn the situation around when things start to spin out.

 

And, I'd rather "get less done" and have peace than push, push, push with flare-ups -- at least at these young ages. HTH. Peace.

 

I think this is great advice... I needed a reminder about setting the tone too, not just wallowing in self-pity when I'm feeling a bit down LOL.

[Miss Sherry]

When my children were real young if their bedrooms were extremely messy it would be overwhelming for them to clean it all up on their own.

 

What I had to do was either sit down on the floor and work with them to clean it up or give them a very specific small task to do on their own. For example, I would say something like put this pile of blocks into the container. It was fruitless to just say "clean up your room".

[Barry Goldwater]

I think it's helpful to consciously anticipate your emotional boiling point and take steps to be prepared ahead of time NOT to blow. Nine yrs old is plenty old enough to have learned how to push your buttons...if you can foresee the scenario and then plan your 'pro-action' rather than allow a 'reaction,' you could get a better outcome. And you can plan an appropriate cause and effect sequence so the child begins to understand the consequences of disobedience.

 

It gets easier with practice.

 

It is far better to command respect than have to demand respect.

 

But, as others have said, it's critical to be sure you have taught (and modeled) the behavior you desire before doling out consequences. Otherwise it's just unfair.

[HappyGrace]

:iagree:

 

Yes, the book I mentioned has practical advice like mentioned above.

[Mejane]

I don't yell; I get quieter. It's amazing how the low, menacing tone snaps my kids to attention. (Sometimes I clench my jaw until my enamel practically cracks.) My dad did this, too, and it was very effective. My mom yelled, and no one listened.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Mejane

[Laura Corin]

I yell much less since I started cuddling much more. When Hobbes (it's always Hobbes) is spending the whole day 'tidying' his room, I give him a cuddle, talk through what is going on, ask him whether he would prefer to spend ages on the room or have free time to do something else, then help him to get some structure into the task. I think, even at his age, he is often overwhelmed. Things are much better since I cleared four big black bags of rubbish out of his room. It's all in the attic, waiting for him to sort through. Or maybe he'll ignore them for five years, then throw them away.

 

Laura

[ereks mom]

When my children were real young if their bedrooms were extremely messy it would be overwhelming for them to clean it all up on their own.

 

What I had to do was either sit down on the floor and work with them to clean it up or give them a very specific small task to do on their own. For example, I would say something like put this pile of blocks into the container. It was fruitless to just say "clean up your room".

 

"Let's clean up," the kids would stare at me blankly and keep right on playing. But if I made a game of it ("Pick up all the yellow things" and put them in the toy box" or "Put the puzzle on the shelf"), they would co-operate and it was done in no time, especially if I complimented the ones who tried the hardest.

[elegantlion]

I think it helps to recognise that is IS normal behaviour and it isn't personal. They dont deliberately try to annoy us most of the time (I know sometimes they do but often it just isnt like that)- they are just being themselves, and it is perfectly age appropriate behaviour. We tend, as adults, to project our own understanding of life onto our kids. They don't see things like we do, they havent had the life experience...and what seems like a small job to us, and sensible to get it over and done with quickly...can seem huge to them, and they live so much in the present.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I remind myself that he is 13, he's 12, he's 9. What is doing is age appropriate. I never want to make my child feel less than because I don't understand his age. It's my job to be the adult, right? :D Seriously worked on this one and I rarely yell now.

 

Instead I try to give him the tools to do a task. I break it down into specific steps and give two or three at a time. Yes, sometimes you have to break down things like brushing your teeth or bringing dirty laundry to the proper location.

 

Doing logic problems help. Having them learn how to sequence things.

 

We recently moved and we needed ds to pack his room. I seriously had no time to help. Fortunately we had sorted most of his stuff, but he needed to pack his Thomas trains. He's 13 and doesn't play with them, but we're keeping them. I walked in and he was hand wrapping each train in its own paper, they were just thrown in a box. Did we really have time for that, no. I almost yelled at him, I was out of patience, out of energy, but you know what. I didn't. He got the task done, in his own time and way, but it got done and he put value to those trains by packing them with care. At that moment I got a glimpse into his brain. I had a point to writing this, but I guess it could be that if we yell more than listen and teach we could miss a chance to glimpse into what our children really think. ...Sometimes that's I want to be lazy and not do a thing, but sometimes it's being overwhelmed (just like us) and not knowing what to do next.

[secular_mom]

I whisper when I'm losing my cool- the kids learn that we've 'reached our breaking point' when we do x- so they 'know' they don't 'really' have to get up and do what we said until we show them that we are 'breaking' by yelling, whispering, whatever it is that signals they have lit your fuse. I've decided that I need to treat my children like babies again, because they are behaving like babies- that means if they aren't 'able' to comply with my request right away I will take them by the hand and 'lead' them through the task, even if it means I have to take their hands and put them on the object, use my hands to close their hands on the object and keep them there as we walk to the spot where the object needs to go. My kids don't want to be babied in this manner, so they quickly straighten up.