Do you or your dh maintain/develop friendship with

[LibraryLover]

I kissed the telephone guy :blushing: on the cheek after :hurray: because we'd been without internet and telephone for a week. I told dh when he came home for lunch. He thought it was :lol:

 

 

So now I am wondering how many people have affairs with the barista who hooks them up with their first caffeine fix of the day. I'm surprised I haven't had my way with the bagel shop guy.

[3lilreds in NC]

Maybe I can clarify a bit, for myself.

 

I am not a person who has lots of casual friends. I develop close bonds with the few friends I have. For me, I don't think it would be a good idea to develop a close emotional bond with another man.

 

This is because it's a struggle for me to feel close to my dh. He's not a talker. We don't like to do many of the same things. Our relationship takes work. I have met men for whom it is easier for me to feel close. I have been in a place where some VERY innocently intended flattery was like a balm to my aching heart when our marriage was in trouble, and I could see how easy it would be to get involved with someone else who made me feel more loved. The other person was NOT trying to lead me into an affair and I was NOT trying to find one. . . I just had a crystal-clear vision of how affairs happen and it made me see what I need to do to avoid one.

 

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. However, I know that some relationships come more easily than others, and it would be a HUGE mistake for me to pursue a friendship with a man that came more easily than my relationship with my dh. Believe me, they are out there.

 

I don't know if that makes sense. It's what works for me.

[LibraryLover]

 

it would be a HUGE mistake for me to pursue a friendship with a man that came more easily than my relationship with my dh.

 

QUOTE]

 

I can see where that would be a problem. While my relationship with my dh is complicated by the great needs of our children and family, I have never had felt more at ease with another man. An affair would be complicated, not easy, although a fling might be easy because we would not have other issues in our relationship, would not have to take care of each other, or get the kids to the orthodondist etc. Is that what you mean?

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Denisemomof4]

I have a friend whom I've been VERY close to for 28 years now, almost 29. I'm close to his family, I was close to his wife and son (they're separating) and he's like an uncle to my kids. I knew him and we were very close before I met dh and before he met his wife. When I became a Christian, a pastor's wife tried to shame me into giving up this friendship. THANKFULLY I never listened.

 

We have never lived in the same state and we have never spent time alone. I doubt dh would even blink an eye if we did, but it hasn't happened.

 

Anyway, I'm so blessed to have him in my life. He's a part of a HUGE family (one of 12 kids) but I only have two siblings, one who is in my life. He is truly family to me, as is my bf of 35 years. And she lives in CA! Should something happen to dh and I together, my bf would raise my kids and my male friend in NJ would run the trust.

 

He just drove out to spend time with us recently. My family. I stopped to meet him for breakfast with ds15 on my way to DC over the summer. We also stopped in to talk to his parents for awhile. So technically I've never been alone with him but really, I don't think dh would be uncomfortable. I don't know, I've never done it. But what WOULD be uncomfortable is to think of him in any other way than a brother. He even LOOKS like my brother! I could *NEVER* think of him any other way.

 

I would never have a male friend that I would spend time alone with regularly, and I would be intolerant of it with dh.

 

ETA: I also do not support making new friends of the opposite sex after meeting/marrying.

[lionfamily1999]

I am trying to think about how one in a typical week would go about avoiding people of the opposite sex. One of the attorneys on a huge project my dh is working one is female. I can't even figure out how I would get through a week without talking to, and being with various men. I see the same men over and over and over again.

 

I don't avoid men, I just don't allow them to visit me at home without dh here and I don't go out on dates. Dh interacts with women all day long, but he doesn't go out to lunch one on one with them or go somewhere where they can be alone.

Our policy is, if only dh is home then no females besides dd and blood relations. If it's just me no males except blood relations.

 

 

It seems to me that to even be on Jerry Springer, cheaters have to be related. Blood is best, but marraige is ok, too. :D

Well, my answer was serious. You might find it hilarious, I'm glad you had a chuckle.

Maybe I can clarify a bit, for myself.

 

I am not a person who has lots of casual friends. I develop close bonds with the few friends I have. For me, I don't think it would be a good idea to develop a close emotional bond with another man.

 

This is because it's a struggle for me to feel close to my dh. He's not a talker. We don't like to do many of the same things. Our relationship takes work. I have met men for whom it is easier for me to feel close. I have been in a place where some VERY innocently intended flattery was like a balm to my aching heart when our marriage was in trouble, and I could see how easy it would be to get involved with someone else who made me feel more loved. The other person was NOT trying to lead me into an affair and I was NOT trying to find one. . . I just had a crystal-clear vision of how affairs happen and it made me see what I need to do to avoid one.

 

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. However, I know that some relationships come more easily than others, and it would be a HUGE mistake for me to pursue a friendship with a man that came more easily than my relationship with my dh. Believe me, they are out there.

 

I don't know if that makes sense. It's what works for me.

I totally understand. I don't think it's worth the possible trouble, I don't tempt fate.

[LibraryLover]

Well, my answer was serious. You might find it hilarious, I'm glad you had a chuckle.

 

QUOTE]

 

Being related by marragie does not prevent affairs. Inlaw affairs are not that uncommon. If I were attracted to another man, it would probably be a sibling of my dh, as they are very similar in personality and looks. Although I am not. :)

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[lionfamily1999]

Well, my answer was serious. You might find it hilarious, I'm glad you had a chuckle.

 

 

 

Being related by marragie does not prevent affairs. Inlaw affairs are not that uncommon. If I were attracted to another man, it would probably be a sibling of my dh, as they are very similar in personality and looks. Although I am not. :)

Which is sort of why I said blood relation. We've both agreed that as much as I trust and love my sister (for instance), she should not be in our house alone with dh. I don't doubt that I can trust them together, it's an issue of giving cause for gossip.

[kalanamak]

I am friends with people. I'm not a "cultivator", and I don't have very many friends (I work at a large place where I talk to dozens of people every day, so I don't mind some silence at home), but I grew up with a mountain-climbing mother and a pack of brothers. I am very comfortable around men. I have found I tend to be friends with people "in the middle": neither macho nor femme. And yes, it is possible to be platonic friends with men. I've had many over the years, friends, co-workers, roommates.

 

I'll never forget the time I was working at a restaurant doing "a man's job"....line cook. A new branch was opening, and all "the men" were taken over to paint. Since I had a "man's job" I went, too. A very made-up, in tight pants, "cute" little thing showed up to measure for curtains, and "the men" started bubbling. One said "Oh, d*mn, I can never get any work done when there's a girl around". I was a pert, HWP strawberry blonde, only 20, (and a 36 B with no bra) but I didn't pluck my eyebrows, wear makeup, etc. He certainly didn't mean it as an insult to me, and I didn't take it as one. Actually, I felt "accepted" for the job I was doing and the person I was trying to be. I wasn't looking for attention in "that way" and I didn't get it.

[LibraryLover]

Which is sort of why I said blood relation. We've both agreed that as much as I trust and love my sister (for instance), she should not be in our house alone with dh. I don't doubt that I can trust them together, it's an issue of giving cause for gossip.

 

 

I don't even know who would gossip. I can't relate to that at all. My sister and dh are often alone...well, not if you count kids around.

 

I have never asked my dh not to meet with female clients or co workers. That is not even on my radar. If my dh were to cheat with a coworker, they can have each other. If my dh were to cheat with my sister, it would mean my kids have a shot at a stepmother who adores them. Seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? I don't wish it, but it would not mean the end of my life. I would never police my dh out of fear of an affair. If he started to police my relationships, I would find him totally unattractive.

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[lionfamily1999]

I don't even know who would gossip. I can't relate to that at all. My sister and dh are often alone...well, not if you count kids around.

 

I have never asked my dh not to meet with female clients or co workers. That is not even on my radar. If my dh were to cheat, they can have each other.

Good for you :) That's not how it works for us, though.

[kalanamak]

Which is sort of why I said blood relation. We've both agreed that as much as I trust and love my sister (for instance), she should not be in our house alone with dh. I don't doubt that I can trust them together, it's an issue of giving cause for gossip.

 

When I was married to a Panjabi (Sikh), the rule was I could not sit next to my FIL. There were some Chinese firedrill-like situations in crowded restaurants because I couldn't sit next to my FIL or BIL. (And of course, being alone with them was out of the question). What this did, I think, was make sex a thought at every meal. I never spent so much time worrying over some old guy's genitalia. But every time I was near them, sex was on the mind.

 

(The family was so strict, an infant boy and infant girl could not be laid on the blanket in the family circle together.)

 

If people gossiped about me because I was alone with my BIL, it would be an immediate flag for me that these people were not my friends and were not to be trusted as far as I could spit. I would always fear they'd be stoning me as a witch, next. But I know YMMV.

[LibraryLover]

If people gossiped about me because I was alone with my BIL, it would be an immediate flag for me that these people were not my friends and were not to be trusted as far as I could spit. I would always fear they'd be stoning me as a witch, next. But I know YMMV.

 

If you're born into this, culturally, you have to deal with it. It would be normal and acceptable. However, i would not choose it in a partner.

 

One of the many things I found attracted about dh was how he interacted with his family. They are solid and reasonable people. I see too many folks sufferring through insane and cruel inlaws. I knew I did not want to deal with that. Unfounded jealousy can be a sign of immaturity, and immaturity has always been a huge turn-off for me.

[3lilreds in NC]

One of the many things I found attracted about dh was how he interacted with his family. They are solid and reasonable people. I see too many folks sufferring through insane and cruel inlaws. I knew I did not want to deal with that.

 

Heh. I always tell myself that if my kids start dating someone with crazy parents they should RUN AWAY.

[lionfamily1999]

When I was married to a Panjabi (Sikh), the rule was I could not sit next to my FIL. There were some Chinese firedrill-like situations in crowded restaurants because I couldn't sit next to my FIL or BIL. (And of course, being alone with them was out of the question). What this did, I think, was make sex a thought at every meal. I never spent so much time worrying over some old guy's genitalia. But every time I was near them, sex was on the mind.

 

(The family was so strict, an infant boy and infant girl could not be laid on the blanket in the family circle together.)

 

If people gossiped about me because I was alone with my BIL, it would be an immediate flag for me that these people were not my friends and were not to be trusted as far as I could spit. I would always fear they'd be stoning me as a witch, next. But I know YMMV.

Hmm, maybe I wasn't clear. We don't restrict ourselves to only interacting or being near people of the same sex or each other. It's being with people of opposite gender in places or situations that we consider questionable. For instance, going out on dates or being in houses alone together (iykwIm).

 

Okay, I've seen YMMV a million times and have no idea what it means, could you explain?

 

While I know that gossiping is wrong, I also know it happens. I know that when I get "information" from an overly excited source not to take it seriously or to heart, because they're probably gossiping. I don't, though, expect everyone else to discern the truth. I know that many people love a juicy bit of gossip and will be happy to perpetuate it and I know that gossip can make life very difficult. Rather than having to explain ad nauseum and with little results (for instance) that the UPS man is my bil and needed to use the restroom, I wait on the porch while he does so. I'm not saying that gossip mongers are great people, what I'm saying is that they exist and other people (even knowing better) will be happy to pass on that information. We don't wish to be fodder for gossip so we do what we can to keep from giving anyone even the smallest thing to gossip about.

[LibraryLover]

Good for you :) That's not how it works for us, though.

 

I don't even know how my dh would be able to work at the same time he avoided women he might somehow end up in a cab with. He'd be in the unemployment line. (Do women work at the unemployment office? ;))

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Daisy]

I haven't read the other replies.

 

The only close friendships hubby and I have with the opposite sex are couples. For example, my best friend is L and her husband is T.

 

My husband would have no problem helping L if her car broke down or her boys needed to be picked up from school. I'd have no problem letting T come into my house and borrow a power tool from the garage, though he isn't likely to come by unless he knows my hubby is home or he really needs it then. T would mow my lawn and my hubby with mow theirs with the spouses of the opposite sex at home alone.

 

We hang out together as couples.

 

That said, I'd never meet T for lunch or a movie and hubby would never meet L for a social event. We don't do ALONE activities with members of the opposite sex unless it is an emergency like a broken down car.

 

My husband will not drive alone with a female coworker to lunch or seminar. He won't carpool alone with a female coworker. However, going to lunch with the entire first grade pod (5 1st grade teachers who are all female except him) is fine. He works with women all the time. They have meetings alone but in plain sight. Doesn't bother me at all. It wouldn't bother me if he commuted with a woman but he has decided to put that boundary into place & it has saved him grief.

 

This is how we were raised. Most of our friends operate under the same cultural norms. It isn't strange for us.

 

There are exceptions though. My husband would have absolutely no problem with me going to lunch with Jeff, (who was in my wedding party, is happily married, and living in another state) if he came for a visit. He'd have no problem with me hanging out for the day with a male cousin. I'd have no problem with him spending the day with Tracy, a girl he grew up with. Family is all allowed. I don't want to spend the day with my BIL but no one would care if I did.

 

But to develop and maintain deep social friendships with those of the opposite sex isn't wise in our opinion.

Edited November 20, 2010 by Daisy

[LibraryLover]

Heh. I always tell myself that if my kids start dating someone with crazy parents they should RUN AWAY.

 

 

I tell my children that one can judge a person's true character by how they treat their siblings and parents. If a person treats their family poorly, they will treat a partner and any children they have poorly. Maybe not right away, but it will happen.

[lionfamily1999]

If people gossiped about me because I was alone with my BIL, it would be an immediate flag for me that these people were not my friends and were not to be trusted as far as I could spit. I would always fear they'd be stoning me as a witch, next. But I know YMMV.

If you're born into this, culturally, you have to deal with it. It would be normal and acceptable. However, i would not choose it in a partner.

 

One of the many things I found attracted about dh was how he interacted with his family. They are solid and reasonable people. I see too many folks sufferring through insane and cruel inlaws. I knew I did not want to deal with that. Unfounded jealousy can be a sign of immaturity, and immaturity has always been a huge turn-off for me.

I can't help but think this is directed at us. Kalanamak was responding to my post and you respond in this manner to her. It seems as though you were referring back to my post.

 

This is a very good example of how gossip works! Thank you so much for making this easy for me. See, I said this:

Our policy is, if only dh is home then no females besides dd and blood relations. If it's just me no males except blood relations.

 

We do not go out alone with people of the opposite sex.

 

Since your ETA says other gender friends in a group settings don't count, I guess we don't have any :p

 

We've only had one real issue, a particular woman who thought she had the right to sneak up on dh at work, stop by the house when I wasn't home and all around act like a stinking sexual predator. When she kissed him, I was standing right there, dh finally saw things from my pov and she was cut off. Now, if she wants to see dh, she has to call me :D

And you took issue with the first section, pointing out that in-laws have affairs. I followed it by pointing out "blood relations" and now you are questioning how I raised and our choices in spouses.

 

You've managed to make a judgement on our upbringing and our choices in spouses. If this weren't a community in which I could literally show what I had said originally you could've already led others to question those things about me. Thank you for helping me illustrate my point.

[LibraryLover]

I can't help but think this is directed at us. Kalanamak was responding to my post and you respond in this manner to her. It seems as though you were referring back to my post.

 

This is a very good example of how gossip works! Thank you so much for making this easy for me. See, I said this:

 

And you took issue with the first section, pointing out that in-laws have affairs. I followed it by pointing out "blood relations" and now you are questioning how I raised and our choices in spouses.

 

You've managed to make a judgement on our upbringing and our choices in spouses. If this weren't a community in which I could literally show what I had said originally you could've already led others to question those things about me. Thank you for helping me illustrate my point.

 

I am not referring to anyone in particular. What is your culture? I am remembering now that you are Baptist/Protestant? All I remember about kalamack is that I think she is a physician? So I am thinking she works with men? This is getting to be a long thread, so I don't exactly know who said what, and I do not recall who represents the various cultures of the board. I am trying to consider that some people have certain cutlural expectations. There is nothing personal towards/about you or anyone going on for me.

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[lionfamily1999]

I am not referring to anyone in particular. What is your culture? I am remembering now that you are Baptist? All I remember about kalamack is that I think she is a physician? So I am thinking she works with men? This is getting to be a long thread, so I don't exactly know who said what, and I do not recall all the various cultures represented on the board. I am trying to consider that some people have certain cutlural expectations.

Perhaps I misunderstood. I am Baptist, dh is agnostic. Our backgrounds are very different. On this we agree, though.

[Mejane]

No, but I'm fairly anti-social so I don't know that it means much. I am friendly with the husbands of my friends (prefer them in some cases), but we do not spend time alone together. Conversely, I actively encourage my husband to take female business associates to work-related functions because I hate attending them. I'm sure some people would gasp at that. :D

[Gooblink]

I don't even know who would gossip. I can't relate to that at all. My sister and dh are often alone...well, not if you count kids around.

 

I have never asked my dh not to meet with female clients or co workers. That is not even on my radar. If my dh were to cheat with a coworker, they can have each other. If my dh were to cheat with my sister, it would mean my kids have a shot at a stepmother who adores them. Seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? I don't wish it, but it would not mean the end of my life. I would never police my dh out of fear of an affair. If he started to police my relationships, I would find him totally unattractive.

 

I haven't read through all the replies, but I'm more of a mind with LibraryLover.

 

Early in our marriage, dh decided it would be inappropriate for him to meet one-on-one with female clients. Okay, bully for him, I appreciate the sentiment but it wasn't a policy I instituted.

 

Fast forward several years and trying to grow our own business: one-on-one with female clients is practically unavoidable. :)

 

The way I see it, if he's gonna cheat they can have each other.

 

On a non-professional level, though, all of our friends are mutual and we don't spend time alone with any of the opposite sex. Part of that may be due to the fact that we moved to a new city when we got married and it's just worked out that way in forming friendships.

Edited November 20, 2010 by Gooblink
duh, did I really type 'femail'?

[Daisy]

I haven't read through all the replies, but I'm more of a mind with LibraryLover.

 

Early in our marriage, dh decided it would be inappropriate for him to meet one-on-one with femail clients. Okay, bully for him, I appreciate the sentiment but it wasn't a policy I instituted.

 

Fast forward several years and trying to grow our own business: one-on-one with female clients is practically unavoidable. :)

 

The way I see it, if he's gonna cheat they can have each other.

 

On a non-professional level, though, all of our friends are mutual and we don't spend time alone with any of the opposite sex. Part of that may be due to the fact that we moved to a new city when we got married and it's just worked out that way in forming friendships.

 

I think the bolded is the important bit. The boundaries hubby and I have put into place are ones we've mutually decided on and/or individually decided on and not been forced upon us by gossiping bitties or jealous spouses. That would be the big irritation for me.

Edited November 20, 2010 by Daisy

[mommaduck]

Any of my male friends are his friends. Any of his female friends are my friends. They are like brothers and sisters. We don't spend time alone, without kids, with the opposite gender. Even going to the store, we generally have a kid along for the ride. Just the way we were taught. I've seen too much happen in my life to not have that boundary.

[LibraryLover]

Perhaps I misunderstood. I am Baptist, dh is agnostic. Our backgrounds are very different. On this we agree, though.

 

 

I think so. I don't often (I would like to say never, but I have thousands of posts and two 24 hour bannings under my belt) post to personally attack. Nor did I think anyone you knew had ever been on Jerry Springer. ;)

Edited November 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

No, but I'm fairly anti-social so I don't know that it means much. I am friendly with the husbands of my friends (prefer them in some cases), but we do not spend time alone together. Conversely, I actively encourage my husband to take female business associates to work-related functions because I hate attending them. I'm sure some people would gasp at that. :D

 

 

LOL I was so happy when my dh's company stopped doing those hoopla holiday events.

Edited November 21, 2010 by LibraryLover

[kamom]

Believing it wouldn't be good for our relationship, we don't actively pursue freindships with the opposite sex.

 

He does have quite a bit of contact because of work. Dh sometimes meets together at costumer's homes and only the wife or a woman will be present, so that's that how it is. He often doesn't know ahead of time who will be present. He doesn't like it, but considers it as part of work.

 

We have lots of friends. Couples that we are both fiends with. No, I would never on purpose plan an outing with any of the men by myself. If they call and dh isn't home, I chat with them. If they stop by and dh isn't home I am friendly and talk, but it usually doesn't last long.

 

We once had a guy friend of ours boarding with us. So I had to be alone with him often. I hated it, but he needed a cheap place to stay and sometimes dh wasn't home in time for supper so he and I would eat with the kids. Not my choice, but I wouldn't leave the house everytime this came up. Actually this has happened more then once. WE take in friends that need a place.

 

Some stuff can't be avoided but we both firmly believe it should not be pursued on purpose.

[Abigail4476]

I have male and female friends, but my personal rules are:

 

1. I don't spend time alone with any male friend unless I'm sure my husband is comfortable with it. Not to be confused with simply giving permission, I want my husband to actually be *okay* with it, and not even remotely jealous or feeling awkward. There are only two guys that fall into that category; one of them is gay, and the other one is a gentleman to the core.

 

2. I don't spend time alone with men who are married. That's because I care about the comfort of their spouses, and I don't wish to do anything to make another woman (usually also my friends) feel uncomfortable or insecure. That would just be inconsiderate.

 

All other interaction either includes my husband or the man's wife/girlfriend, unless we're talking about group gatherings, in which case it probably doesn't matter (as much).

 

Business matters are a different issue altogether. Having private meetings may not be something you can always avoid. I would say that it generally shouldn't be a problem unless it turns out that it's a problem. e.g., unless your spouse has given you a reason to doubt their fidelity, then leave business meetings out of the equation. If your spouse has proven untrustworthy or has a self-confessed weakness, then they may need to make sure a receptionist or assistant is always present out of respect for their marriage.

 

As for family: I never feel uncomfortable if my sisters are alone with my husband, and he's never raised an eyebrow about me being alone with any male family member, extraneous or not. I think it would really bother me if my husband thought he couldn't trust me to go Christmas shopping or out to lunch with his brother or with one of my sister's husbands. To suspect *foul play* with a family member is just weird. I guess if it's been a problem in your family, then I could see the sensitivity to it, but in our family--that has never been an issue. :glare:

 

Bottom line: what's appropriate in your marriage is whatever creates a sense of comfort and security for both people. That won't be the same for everyone; it requires you to know your spouse's feelings on the issue; it's about respecting them and doing your best to make them feel like they're "the one." I would have no problem choosing my husband over having a private lunch with a male friend, if he were to ask me not to go. Personally, I feel that if I were to have difficulty making that choice, then perhaps I need to examine myself and make sure I'm not forming an unhealthy attachment to a man who isn't my husband.

[sarawatsonim]

To start off I'm an introvert, so I am not out every weekend/night with friends anyway. BUT, I don't choose my dh's friends and he doesn't choose mine. Friendships are based on personal reasons and I have male friends. Probably equal in amount to my female friendships. When I was working I was in a predominately male work place and quite a few of my male friends came from there. My dh has many solid female friendships, some I am friends with and some that I am more on an acquaintance level with. If he goes out for coffee or lunch with them, in no way has it ever bothered me. When you really need to get out and talk to someone you usually go out with your closest friend. Sometimes that friend happens to be the opposite gender.

On a side note if I didn't deal with the cable guy, phone guy or utilities guy and even our landlord, then many things wouldn't get done around our home. Especially since most of these things are under my name and they will usually only deal with the account holder anyway. There are also instances where I had to deal with the phone woman and the utilities woman. In my neighborhood, some people may raise their eyes at this.:tongue_smilie:

 

Plus, if either my dh or I wanted to cheat, all we would have to do is log onto the internet anyway.

 

I also wanted to add, that if I told dh I was going out for a night with a male friend he would probably do a dance and thank the guy for finally getting me to go out and socialize.

Edited November 20, 2010 by sarawatsonim

[BeckyFL]

There is no way that I would ever have male friendships apart from couples that we know together and spend time with together. People tend to think that they are "above" having any problems in this area and I think that is pride. All it takes is a few months of not getting along or fighting with your spouse, a time when he has been extra busy at work and not paying much attention to the home front or a time of stress in general and that compassionate "close" friend who is always there to listen (this is much easier as an outsider who is not a part of the stress, the kids, the marriage) can become more whether it's emotionally or physically. I've seen it happen many many times. In fact, I've seen it in families of christian friends my kids have had.

[BeckyFL]

I don't even know who would gossip. I can't relate to that at all. My sister and dh are often alone...well, not if you count kids around.

 

I have never asked my dh not to meet with female clients or co workers. That is not even on my radar. If my dh were to cheat with a coworker, they can have each other. If my dh were to cheat with my sister, it would mean my kids have a shot at a stepmother who adores them. Seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? I don't wish it, but it would not mean the end of my life. I would never police my dh out of fear of an affair. If he started to police my relationships, I would find him totally unattractive.

 

No kidding? If your husband cheated with your sister it's not so bad since the kids would have a stepmother who adored them? What?:confused:

[Jen in PA]

Which is sort of why I said blood relation. We've both agreed that as much as I trust and love my sister (for instance), she should not be in our house alone with dh. I don't doubt that I can trust them together, it's an issue of giving cause for gossip.

 

Really? Before my BIL (dh's brother) died, we were always doing things together without DH -- I considered him one of my closest friends. We would go out for drinks or hang out with his friends, sing karaoke, etc. I think DH liked the idea that I could go out and do the things I liked with someone he knew so well, and then he was off the hook on doing the social stuff that I enjoyed and he didn't. I never worried about what people thought about this -- he was family.

[Parrothead]

There is no way that I would ever have male friendships apart from couples that we know together and spend time with together. People tend to think that they are "above" having any problems in this area and I think that is pride. All it takes is a few months of not getting along or fighting with your spouse, a time when he has been extra busy at work and not paying much attention to the home front or a time of stress in general and that compassionate "close" friend who is always there to listen (this is much easier as an outsider who is not a part of the stress, the kids, the marriage) can become more whether it's emotionally or physically. I've seen it happen many many times. In fact, I've seen it in families of christian friends my kids have had.

IMHO if that is all it takes then the relationship was not sound to begin with. One has to choose to say, "What the heck, I'm mad at my spouse so I'm going to plant a sloppy wet one on my friend and see where it goes."

 

I can honestly say I've never looked at any of my male friends in a sexual manner.

 

I've got issues with my dh. I didn't much like him at the beginning of the week. It did not cross my mind to call a man friend for emotional or physical comfort. The closest I came to that was posting my prayer request here in an open forum. I suppose pqr or spycar could have responded.

[Abigail4476]

I can see where there might be a need for extra boundaries if your marriage is already in trouble. In a healthy relationship, though, the respect is there whether your spouse is present or not. Anyone can be "trustworthy" while they're spouse is watching. I'm not even sure that can be a measure of trustworthy. If you can't be faithful when your spouse isn't present, then you simply aren't faithful.

 

e.g., some rules only apply if the marriage is already on the rocks.

 

I can understand not maintaining close friendships with men who were once boyfriends - especially if you slept with them. My husband would be VERY uncomfortable with that.

[LibraryLover]

No kidding? If your husband cheated with your sister it's not so bad since the kids would have a stepmother who adored them? What?:confused:

 

 

It would be terrible. But if he's going to be a jerk and cheat it should be with my sister. Avoiding an evil step -parent counts for something.

[idnib]

I already responded, but now that I've read more responses I'll add a bit more:

 

Why would I give up my time with my male friend any more than with female friends just because I got married?

 

My best friend (other than DH!) and I are very close and have been through a lot together over 17 years, including the sudden death of his mother and the terrible end of an important relationship for me. His wife is always invited to whatever we're doing, but she declines because she doesn't like our 2 big mutual interests (computers and the outdoors). He's an Aspie who suffered child abuse so I think she likes our social connection (he doesn't have other close friends) and also it's a relief for her to have him out of the house as they both work at home, don't drive, and have no kids. So they spend a lot of time together.

 

I have no attraction for him at all. Even if I was tempted to cheat on my DH (which I never have been) it wouldn't be with this friend. It would be like cheating with my brother. My dad calls his his "other son". He's unattractive to me and I know way too much about his foibles to even think about getting entangled into that mess. :D

[mytwomonkeys]

i've not read the replies. the answer is absolutely no for us. we do not have friends of the opposite sex at all. we guard our marriage & this is just one of several ways that we do it.

[elegantlion]

I've always been one to make friends with guys easier than women. Right now I have a few male friends, but we share writing as a common hobby, so if we meet it's in a group setting (without dh).

 

We have a few good couple friends that I know dh would have no issue with us being alone together or me calling this friend.

 

I rarely get to go out with dh, so I wouldn't be making plans to do so with another man before dh, that would just be absurd. I'd like a date with my husband, actually that would be nice.

 

He's worked with a few women subs (he's a contractor) before and I've been okay with it.

[Mejane]

IMHO if that is all it takes then the relationship was not sound to begin with.

 

:iagree: If someone is willing to throw away their marriage because they're not the center of attention for a few months, they have bigger problems. Low self-esteem much?

[DarlaS]

I won't even let the cable guy in if hubby isn't home.

 

Nothing would ever get repaired around here if I had that policy.

 

Obviously your dh's schedule somehow allows it. Mine has the (very) rare weekend off and is barely home before 6PM.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree: If someone is willing to throw away their marriage because they're not the center of attention for a few months, they have bigger problems. Low self-esteem much?

 

 

I'm telling you. :iagree: Would one even want a man who would do such a thing?

[LizzyBee]

There are not many circumstances in which I'd have lunch or go out dancing with a male friend unless my dh was included. However, during tax season, it is not uncommon for me to work until 2 or 3 am, and sometimes all night. Just this week, I had to drive 1.5 hours each way with a male colleague for a work-related meeting. Fortunately, my dh trusts me and my co-workers, so it's never been an issue.

 

He still gets teased (by friends) because on the morning of our wedding, he was seen having breakfast with an old friend who happened to be female. :D

[Guest Cindie2dds]

Nope, not at all. <snip> It isn't a question a trust. I don't think anyone ever goes out looking for an affair. How many times have you heard the excuse, "It just happened!" And it isn't really even about the worry of an affair. If you married the best, why wouldn't you want to spend your free time with him?

 

 

I agree. It isn't a question of trust either way or I couldn't have the job I do. Dh is my best friend and I don't get enough time with him. I wouldn't want to spend that precious time with someone else.

[susankenny]

Nope. Not here either. Affairs are usually never intentional. I have seen enough examples to know that very good people can do very bad/stupid things. I do not regard myself above that vulnerability. If someone wants to be friends with my family. Great. But why would my husband need to go out dancing or to dinner or a movie with someone other than me.

 

He*l to the No.

[kalanamak]

 

Okay, I've seen YMMV a million times and have no idea what it means, could you explain?

\

 

Your Mileage May Vary. It is a reference the estimated miles per gallon blah-blah you hear in ads: The new Civic gets 42 mpg hwy, 35 mpg city, your mileage may vary.

 

It means I understand other people have their bells rung in different ways.

[May]

No and he only has a couple of guy friends. He deals with people in his job and said he doesn't need more then that:001_smile:

[texasmama]

Neither dh nor I spend time alone with members of the opposite sex who are not relatives. The exception is gay male friends of mine, with whom I sometimes have lunch and such. We have had men working on our home in the past (two have been personal friends of our who are part of a "couple" friend), but that seems different than socializing with members of the opposite sex. My dh has always made it a point not to have business lunches alone with women. He invites another person along. This decision of his predates our marriage and is his own personal policy.

[katemary63]

Maybe I can clarify a bit, for myself.

 

I am not a person who has lots of casual friends. I develop close bonds with the few friends I have. For me, I don't think it would be a good idea to develop a close emotional bond with another man.

 

This is because it's a struggle for me to feel close to my dh. He's not a talker. We don't like to do many of the same things. Our relationship takes work. I have met men for whom it is easier for me to feel close. I have been in a place where some VERY innocently intended flattery was like a balm to my aching heart when our marriage was in trouble, and I could see how easy it would be to get involved with someone else who made me feel more loved. The other person was NOT trying to lead me into an affair and I was NOT trying to find one. . . I just had a crystal-clear vision of how affairs happen and it made me see what I need to do to avoid one.

 

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. However, I know that some relationships come more easily than others, and it would be a HUGE mistake for me to pursue a friendship with a man that came more easily than my relationship with my dh. Believe me, they are out there.

 

I don't know if that makes sense. It's what works for me.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. You are a wise woman.

[katemary63]

He*l to the No.

 

:iagree::lol::lol:

[Audrey]

Good question. Not christian here, but dh and I don't have "rule" or anything about friendships. It's never been an issue, really. We do have friends of opposite gender, but all of those are other couples. It's just naturally worked itself out that way. I don't think either of us has ever been interested in pursuing outside friendships much.